Self Help Radio Today! Parties!

Today on Self Help Radio:

* Self-satisfied radio personality "Self Help" Gary cedes content control to his apprentice, "Erin" (last name unknown). Rumors about the transfer of control abound, not the least of which is that Gary has apparently "quit smoking" & "needs a little time to freak out."

* Erin's choice of show theme: "parties." Discussion on the street is that Erin's been to every "it" party that's been hosted this season. Many famous political figures & local celebrities are afraid Erin was at a particular party wherein a playful partygoer took a lot of pictures with her cell phone. Governor Rick Perry, a regular attendee of "it" parties, has particularly been waiting for incriminating photos to come out before Tuesday's election (if they don't, he won't have to come out before Tuesday's election). Does Erin have these photos? Will she reveal secrets on today's show?

* For the seven-hundred-&-fourth show in a row, haikus will be read. Nearly two thousand Austinites per decade enter the famous Self Help Radio haiku contest & this Friday's show is no different. In that, there's a contest, & haikus. The Self Help Radio web site has a page about the haiku contest, if you care. No link, though. Find it yourself.

* Surprises? Would it be a surprise if you knew there'd be surprises? Or are you so jaded that expecting a surprise would only make you feel there's no surprise, so a surprise would truly surprise you? If so, I'm surprised you feel that way. If not, well, no surprise there. But it could be surprising if there were a surprise today on Self Help Radio & you in turn felt truly surprised. So if there's a surprise, I'm not telling. It would spoil the surprise.

Self Help Radio, 4:30 to 6:00 pm today on 91.7 fm KOOP Austin. Theme: parties. Live online at KOOP.org.

I Answer Your Letters - Again!

Ah yes, it's Thursday, so it's time once again to dip into the Self Help Radio eMailbag & look what you, the devoted listener - or you, the misguided stalker - or you, the person to whom I owe money - have written to me, the minor programmer at the small though amazing community radio station.

This letter comes from Maureen, who says she lives "a block or two over." But from whom? From everyone? Maureen is a transdimensional freak! She writes:

Gary,
As someone who's watched your career on radio since you went on that student station back in the 90's, I have to laugh when you mention you have a girlfriend. First I've seen you. Second who'd want to be your girlfriend. Third it's not nice to lie, altho you lie all the time and are proud of it. Forth I think it's time you told the truth about your sexuality and your lies.

Wow, that's an intense email. Maureen, since you live close to me, I'll assume you hear me sobbing right now. I am sobbing miserably because - how else can I put this? - you hit the nail on the head. You see, not only am I an abject failure as a blogger, I am also a liar whose sexuality - which is to say, whose absence of sexuality - I've dedicated my life to obfuscating, if not out & out distorting.

God, it feels so good to tell the truth. Having to pay a woman to be my "girlfriend" (not to mention having to pay three cats & two dogs to be my "pets") was really causing a lot of financial distress. Because of my minor celebrity status, I have been putting off the expensive surgery that I've wanted since 1994, which is basically a sexuality implant. Back then, of course, it was dangerous, but ironically, my years of subterfuge & deception let me wait out the technology - & now, not only is a sexuality transplant surgery actually quite safe & affordable, but it's also now available in two flavors - homosexual & bisexual. My choices ten years ago were nowhere near this amazing.

Also, I can finally quit pretending I'm a smoker. God that was embarrassing. Especially to my lungs.

Thank you, Maureen. I feel so good now I want to have a party. So listen to Self Help Radio tomorrow, & party with me. & the rest of Austin. & if you'd like to send me an email (not you, Maureen - the rest of Austin), you can click here to send it!

Whither Parties?

This week's show, as advertized on television & in the national print media, will have as its carefully-chosen theme "Parties." While November is hardly known as the month for parties, it might make a lot of sense, this choice of a theme, once it's explained. Unfortunately, I don't know why this subject is the theme for Friday's show. I don't know because I didn't choose it. My apprentice, Erin, did.

KOOP has a six-month training process for interested folks who want to get involved in Austin's best radio station. One aspect of the training is apprenticeship. At the beginning of the current training cycle, Erin was assigned to my show. She's been a lot of fun & only occasionally does she show up completely coked up & demanding her own dressing room. Since she's been so great, I thought, hey, give her a day. Let her choose the music & talk the talk for a day. Take a day off. Find something more interesting to do, like giving blood or quitting smoking.

So you'll have to ask Erin why the subject is parties, because I don't know & I haven't asked her. Partially because I really never know why I come up with the themes I do, so I don't want her to have to lie to me. & partly because, not knowing what's she's thinking, I can speculate:

1) She's a party girl. Duh.

2) It's a complicated pun based on the fact that it's election season, & elections are choices of candidates between "parties."

3) She went to a marvellous Halloween party this weekend, dressed, as she was on my show, as Barney the Purple Dinosaur, & everyone was there, & she had such a good time, & this show is just her playing all the great songs she heard at the party & oh my god she's going to tell us all about it.

4) She went to a dreadful party recently, one of a long list of mundane, criminally dull parties where she had to stand around & listen to the same old people talk & watch the same old drunkards embarrass themselves, & that was that, that's the last boring motherfucking party she's going to go to, & this show will be a searing indictment of the Austin "party culture" which wastes time, money, good booze & lives.

5) She's recently committed a crime & she's now the "guilty party." Or maybe she thinks my show is a crime & she's now "party" to the illegal act.

6) She knows I never get invited to parties & so she's totally taunting me - as someone who goes to all the great parties - & will reduce me, on the air, to tears.

Which is it? Is it all of them? None of them? Three of them? You'll have to listen Friday to find out.

Halloween Show!

Hey all!

Last Friday's Halloween show has been digitized & put online just in time for Halloween night. Please visit:

http://www.selfhelpradio.net/archive.html

It's at the top of the page. Happy Halloween!

Halloween Haiku Wrap-Up

I am sorry to say that I probably won't have my Halloween show (from last Friday) digitized by tomorrow night. Alas! A couple of listeners called to ask, since (apparently) my voice is scary & will frighten children. I recommend another show, perhaps? Or maybe last year's Halloween show?

But the ghouls chose to write haikus for the Halloween show, & here are the four winners:

FOURTH PLACE: Eleanor Reynolds

I guess I must be
What people call a monster
Since I have green fur

THIRD PLACE: Paul

On this Halloween
Don’t dress as something fiendish
You’ll look too normal

SECOND PLACE: Cecelia

Just like Godzilla
I hate models of Tokyo
I want to stomp them.

FIRST PLACE: Federico

If monsters scare you
I suggest you make a change:
Don’t re-elect them

You know the drill. This week's show is about parties. You can write a haiku for that show or any other show, really, if you want. You know you want. You big baby.