9 Shows To Go!

It's not fair it's not fair! The year gets an extra day but I don't get an extra show! Why me Lord why me?! I finally understand the blues!

All right, sport. Chin up. Back straight. Knees slightly bent. Don't be a mewler, be a man! You know you have to go. You know that you'll be leaving the city some call "Austin" soon enough, & you know it would be unfair to simply do your show until the day you leave. It'd be selfish! & real men are not selfish. Well, except in bed. But you are not in bed! You are leaving a fine community radio station with dignity. Do not embarrass us.

I'll try to be strong, I will. But I am so very lonesome & sad right now. Nine shows! That's as many stories as in JD Salinger's Nine Stories! That's as many lives as a cat has! That's as many nines as were naughty when we learned about naughty number nine! That's many holes as half the holes at a miniature golf course or even the number of holes at a really small strip-mall enclosed miniature golf course where once I had drunk an entire pint of Everclear in an orange slushie & I tried to steal a kiss from JF but she swing the little plastic club & hit my elbow & the nachos went everywhere! Nine is not a good number! I am very worried about the number nine!

No. I must be strong. Think about Batman. Batman would want to vanquish a set number of villains before he retired, or, since I'm not really stopping the making of the radio shows, I'm just leaving KOOP, let's assume Batman is moving from Gotham City to, say, Metropolis, just to fuck with Superman. Surely Batman would have a set number of baddies - say, nine - he'd like to make sure were all tucked away in Arkham Asylum before he split, right? & don't I share a lot of qualities with the Batman? We're both OCD!

Yea! As the clock ticks down, you can listen to the first of the last nine Self Help Radios today, on the air at the 91.7 fm frequency, live at 4:30pm, & on the computer net at koop.org. I'll archive it later if you're way too depressed to listen.

I'm a mewler!

PS: Didn't think I could name nine Batman foes? Ha! 9. Killer Croc; 8. Riddler; 7. Clayface; 6. Penguin; 5. Scarecrow; 4. Mister Freeze; 3. Two-Face; 2. R'as Al-Ghul; 1. Joker. Wanna know how I did? Maybe there's a list of Batman enemies online?

What's So Damned Funny?

Oh, nothing really. Yesterday I subbed KOOP's novelty/comedy show, which is called "Dr. Debra's Gone Mad!" & played some silly songs & stand-up, including music by the likes of the Dead Milkmen & Tiny Tim, & stand-up by Louis CK & Michael Ian Black. Plus! Extra! Songs about cats! & a version of a Paul McCartney song you can actually stand to listen to!

You can experience the whole show in the regular place: selfhelpradio.net.

Here are two anecdotes about the show yesterday which weren't broadcast (since they happened in the studio while I was playing music).

Anecdote the first:
The Entercom studio which the corporation has graciously let us use of course still belongs to them, & a tech fellow was around taking inventory, which he ominously said was "for when you guys are done." Eep! Anyway, he brought in what appeared to be his boss around the time I was playing the Tiny Tim song. The dude, who looked a lot like Mike Farrell & was carrying a coffee cup in the way Dave Foley's character always did on News Radio, said, "Is that Tiny Tim?" I said it was. He said, "Amazing! & it's not even his hit!" As he was leaving, he said to me, "I bet you're the only person in America playing Tiny Tim on the radio right now." For some reason, I just thought, "That's what KOOP's all about."

Anecdote the second:
The last song I played was the Mike Flowers Pops's version of "1999" & a very square middle-aged guest of the next show (a news & public affairs show called "A Neighborly Conversation") said, "Who's doing this horrible version of that Prince song?" When I told her I thought the cover was better than the original, she looked at me like I had told her that her kids were stinky. Which made me think, "Isn't it odd that this person who's on KOOP doesn't appear to listen to KOOP?"

Anecdote the synthesis:
I think I kinda liked the fact that the corporate executive was both more hip & had a greater sense of humor than the grassroots community activist.

Whither The Leap Day Show?

Because it's happening on February 29.

Now that that's out of the way, I'll take a moment to answer some of the other questions you've been asking me, either by email or in my dreams. Dead people who listen to Self Help Radio & who haunt me will NOT get their questions asked, as they are usually inane & generally a waste of everyone's time. Dead people ask the dumbest motherfucking questions.

I am NOT a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman. I don't know how that rumor got started but I am pretty sure I was drunk at the time.

There are many reasons to leave an organization like KOOP, but among those reason, I am not leaving because I got KOOP pregnant. KOOP & I are close, but we are just friends. Sheesh. I know KOOP is kind of homely, but surely a radio station like that can do better than ME. Plus, how do you know KOOP is pregnant? Who told you?

Thank you for your cards & letters, but I am not sick with Lou Ferrigno's disease. There really isn't any such thing as Lou Ferrigno's disease. Who would name a disease after Lou Ferrigno? Wouldn't a disease like that just make you awesome?

I thank both Z & S (whose names do not begin with those initials) for their requests for upcoming themes. I like that you want me to do shows about things like "battered spouse syndrome," "kitty box odors" & "songs that rhyme the word 'serrated'," but I probably won't get to them any time soon. Also, I think you should perhaps seek mental help.

Thanks all for now. See you Friday. We'll be leaping.

Preface To The Leap Day Show: What Can We Do On Our Extra Day?

Oh goodie! Science in its infinite wisdom has given us a whole extra day this year! I've looked everywhere to see if there's a catch, but nope: it's free! They're giving it to us for free!

I haven't checked yet to see if this day is actually subtracted from the days that are normally alloted to us by the Fates, but I'm guessing it's not, since it's also tax-deductible. (I think.) Since they've decided to place the day on a Friday, & since no one has to work on any extra day added to a calendar (that's a rule), it's also like you get a three-day weekend!

I have to do my show, since it's a Friday & since my KOOP shows are dwindling, but except for that ninety-minute period, you should totally do whatever you want. I mean, wow! An extra day! Science in its infinite wisdom hasn't done anything that cool since eliminating days in the Dark Ages by switching from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian calendar. People in those times (except the Russians, who, as usual, got completely fucked over by the Tsar) were so damned grateful that two more weeks of suffering, disease, hopelessness & misery were taken off their lives they agreed not to fuck with the Catholic Church until around the end of the 17th Century. & you know what? Peasants living in squalor keep their promises!

Another thing I'm almost completely certain about is this: since it's an extra day, it'll exist outside the bounds of the normal workings of the space-time continuum. & you know what that means: Klingons! Fuck yeah! Not only that, but the laws of science won't apply, & if the laws of motherfucking science don't apply, neither will the paltry human-made laws of our civilization. You can do whatever you want - just remember it resets at 12:01 on Saturday morning. & nothing will turn into a pumpkin, so pay attention to what you're doing!

I officially say to you have a happy extra day! I hope you'll have fun & do something crazy - but I have a bad feeling that you, like me, will sleep in, order a pizza, listen to the radio, rent something you have already seen but have forgotten about (& you'll say "fuck it" & watch it again), & fall asleep with your hand clutched around a bottle of cheap booze.

Oh leap day! Why must science in its infinite wisdom mock us so?

Why Do You Say Nothing About My New Socks?

For weeks you have been carping & complaining & otherwise making me feel like a pauper or a homeless person by telling me how frayed & grubby my socks are. Now that I have gone out - at great expense to my self-esteem - & gotten a new pair, you have said NOTHING. You have not even noticed them! What's the point of being such a dick & making me feel so bad if you aren't even going to notice when I make the CHANGE that you want me to make?

At this point I should make sure you know that I now have more than one pair of socks. I will add that I don't have more than two COMPLETE pairs of socks, but since you've begun ignoring my socks, I may return to my admittedly lazy habit of wearing mismatched pairs. I would like to certainly be able to explain where exactily my socks' partners have ended up, but I really don't know. There was an entire episode of CSI: Pflugerville about this, although it won't air until after the people who wrote it are allowed to write again after scabbing during the writers' strike.

I'm sick of talking about socks now. I'm going to go listen to my radio show, which is called Self Help Radio. Last Friday's show, which was not about socks (sadly) but instead was about guessing (radly) is up over at the Self Help Radio website. So even though I was there, I feel like I missed it, & if you feel that way, too, you should go listen to it.

I warn you, though. I did that show in my old socks.