'Twas five days before Christmas, Self Help Radio's on the air,
But Lexington was shopping - less they could not care.
Still Gary was deejaying, playing holiday tunes
When he felt a strange presence right there in the room.
"Damn those moths & cockroaches!" he cursed, shaking his fist -
Until he thought he heard a slight "Tsk, tsk, tsk."
Holy shit! It was Santa! This could not be!
It was the last time Gary'd do radio after dropping LSD!
"I am not a figment," said the jolly old dude,
"Of imagination, as you previously construed.
I am dear old Nick, & I wanted to say
Despite your humbuggery & atheist ways
That I appreciate you & your radio shows…"
Then he put his fat finger right up to his nose
& blam! he crashed right up through the ceiling
Into his waiting sleigh - Gary was reeling.
"If that wasn't real, I'm insane," he said on the air,
"Plus he talked in rhyme - I swear I swear!"
After his show, a show no one listened to
He drove home in the cold, he was sleepy too.
But at his front door, what's this he did see?
A present from Santa - the new Fall LP!
So Gary was muttering as he bid the evening farewell
"Happy Christmas to all - but especially listeners of WRFL."
Self Help Radio on tonight from 10 to midnight on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington, & also online wherever Santa may be on wrfl dot fm. Christmas tunes!
Friday, December 20, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Preface To A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2013: My Take On This Whole Cultural Mess Of The Season (Part XIII)
Hey! Can you believe it? Someone or something barely famous (or really famous) did said tweeted implied something offensive! Then someone who disagreed with me agreed with them! That makes me so mad I've spent the afternoon in the "comments" section of every website I visit!
I am sometimes glad I watch the television show The Soup, so I can be vaguely aware of things that are happening in the culture that I manage to avoid. Rich people who are famous for being famous, pop singers who no-one will remember a few years from now, & of course the "stars" of "reality" television. One of whom said something offensive recently. Which didn't offend me because I don't know who that person is & I don't think someone who's famous for being in a reality TV show has an opinion that I care to know.
The other thing I saw people upset about had something to do with musicians being inducted into some rock & roll awards thing. I am always a little amused that otherwise sensible people pay attention to that - like the Grammys & other music awards shows, it's never really about how good or important the music is but how much money it has made the parasites in the music industry (I'm sorry, I meant "executives"). The music world suffers for that - commercial radio accounts for less than 1% of 1% of the music being made in the world, & so they naturally can't focus on the quality of music made. It's all about moolah.
Christmas is, too, but like with popular culture, I don't generally participate. Except with my Christmas show. Which I need to go work on bye!
I am sometimes glad I watch the television show The Soup, so I can be vaguely aware of things that are happening in the culture that I manage to avoid. Rich people who are famous for being famous, pop singers who no-one will remember a few years from now, & of course the "stars" of "reality" television. One of whom said something offensive recently. Which didn't offend me because I don't know who that person is & I don't think someone who's famous for being in a reality TV show has an opinion that I care to know.
The other thing I saw people upset about had something to do with musicians being inducted into some rock & roll awards thing. I am always a little amused that otherwise sensible people pay attention to that - like the Grammys & other music awards shows, it's never really about how good or important the music is but how much money it has made the parasites in the music industry (I'm sorry, I meant "executives"). The music world suffers for that - commercial radio accounts for less than 1% of 1% of the music being made in the world, & so they naturally can't focus on the quality of music made. It's all about moolah.
Christmas is, too, but like with popular culture, I don't generally participate. Except with my Christmas show. Which I need to go work on bye!
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Trans Atlantic Anti-Galactic Power Chord Squadron XTT (Captured In Action)
Meeting room site undisclosed: somehow we missed the instructions and have landed instead over there.
That's Mitch, he insists on being called a quadroon instead of squadron leader and so far no one has corrected him because he's also scary.
No one brought enough ice cream for everyone and I know I will be left out.
This implant will enable you to transmit your coordinates whether or not you're conscious and I don't care if you're 'anti-vax' we're fucking putting it in your neck.
No cell reception out here; we need a better satellite.
Brian wants to make first contact and he imagines it will be all sort of awkward, like bumping into a beautiful woman at a party, relying upon charm to save the situation.
Injury du jour: torn rotator cuff.
Motherfucker thinks he's funny, he keep saying "brought to you by" and then some dumbass made-up company like "sticky's licorice" or "cream's corn dogs."
How did they know there was an invasion I mean we can barely figure out whether some rock the size of Manhattan is about to hit us and you're talking about an other-worldly alien invasion.
Computer says "holes in dimensional fabric spotted over Albuquerque," prompting at least half the squad to make Bugs Bunny jokes.
Teeth are grit - gritted - gret? - what's the past tense of "to grit"?
Invaders burst into our reality, then fall from the sky in the shape of teardrops, evaporating before hitting the ground.
"No one was expecting that," Mitch says, "it's a bit of a let-down."
Instant congressional hearing - those toys cost the taxpayers a lot of money!
Mitch pats his back & tells him, "You would've kicked their asses - if they had had asses."
That's Mitch, he insists on being called a quadroon instead of squadron leader and so far no one has corrected him because he's also scary.
No one brought enough ice cream for everyone and I know I will be left out.
This implant will enable you to transmit your coordinates whether or not you're conscious and I don't care if you're 'anti-vax' we're fucking putting it in your neck.
No cell reception out here; we need a better satellite.
Brian wants to make first contact and he imagines it will be all sort of awkward, like bumping into a beautiful woman at a party, relying upon charm to save the situation.
Injury du jour: torn rotator cuff.
Motherfucker thinks he's funny, he keep saying "brought to you by" and then some dumbass made-up company like "sticky's licorice" or "cream's corn dogs."
How did they know there was an invasion I mean we can barely figure out whether some rock the size of Manhattan is about to hit us and you're talking about an other-worldly alien invasion.
Computer says "holes in dimensional fabric spotted over Albuquerque," prompting at least half the squad to make Bugs Bunny jokes.
Teeth are grit - gritted - gret? - what's the past tense of "to grit"?
Invaders burst into our reality, then fall from the sky in the shape of teardrops, evaporating before hitting the ground.
"No one was expecting that," Mitch says, "it's a bit of a let-down."
Instant congressional hearing - those toys cost the taxpayers a lot of money!
Mitch pats his back & tells him, "You would've kicked their asses - if they had had asses."
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Self Help Radio 121313: Gary's Favorite Music Of 2013
The entire show + an hour more (I am terrible at whittling down lists) at Self Help Radio website. Or go directly to part one or part two or part three, & look below, I saw what's in each part.
Make your own radio show & share what your favorites are!
(part one)
"Bad Skin" Hunx & His Punx _Street Punk_
"Keep Exhaling" Wire _Change Becomes Us_
"True Vulture" Nobunny _Secret Songs: Reflections From The Ear Mirror_
"They're Feeding" Terry Malts _Nobody Realizes This Is Nowhere_
"Boys To Men" Bent Shapes _Feels Weird_
"Amorator!" The Fall _The Remainderer_
"Awake" Iceage _You're Nothing_
"Girls Like Us" Julie Ruin _Run Fast_
"No Tic, All Tac" Tullycraft _Lost In Light Rotation_
"Into Blue" Frankie Rose _Herein Wild_
"Hot Sour Salty Sweet" The Dirtbombs _Ooey Gooey Chewy Ka-Blooey!_
"Karaoke" Spectrals _Sob Story_
"Date It" Golden Grrrls _Golden Grrrls_
"Meditations" Holograms _Forever_
"Pretend To Be Brave" Boat _Pretend To Be Brave_
"Tripwire" Elvis Costello & The Roots _Wise Up Ghost & Other Songs_
"Parallel" MomusMcClymont _MomusMcClynont_
(part two)
"Check My Heart" The Pastels _Slow Summits_
"Is That Enough" Yo La Tengo _Fade_
"Age Of Victoria" The Secret History _Americans Singing In The Dark_
"Living, Loving, Partygoing" Future Bible Heroes _Partygoing_
"Just To Be Like You" Ski Lodge _Big Heart_
"A Sex Maybe" Mike Birbiglia _My Girlfriend's Boyfriend_
"Q&A: Advice For The Audience" Eugene Mirman _An Evening Of Comedy In A Fake, Underground Laboratory_
"Signal 30" Public Service Broadcasting _Inform - Educate - Entertain_
"Boo Hoo" Dot Wiggin Band _Ready! Get! Go!_
"Delicate Cycle" The Uncluded _Hokey Fright_
"Canned Tomatoes (Whole)" Courtney Barnett _The Double EP: A Sea Of Split Peas_
"When He Tells Me" Colleen Green _Sock It To Me_
"Wind-Up" Pity Sex _Feast of Love_
(part three)
"Mermaids" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _Push The Sky Away_
"Hypnotic Regression" Girls Names _The New Life_
"Sound Of A Void" Wax Idols _Discipline & Desire_
"Cri Du Coeur" Camera Obscura _Desire Lines_
"Marbled Birds" The Mantles _Long Enough To Leave_
"Better Luck Next Time" King Khan & The Shrines _Idle No More_
"Love Isn't A Right" Momus _Bambi_
"No One Knows Nothing Anymore" Billy Bragg _Tooth & Nail_
"Graveyard" Joanna Gruesome _Weird Sister_
"Suicide Pact" Tochigi _Tochigi_
"Ark Of Life" Minks _Tides End_
"Perfect World" The Proctors _Everlasting Light_
"Canteen" Superhumanoids _Exhibitionists_
"Musicians Are Scum" Pere Ubu _Lady from Shanghai_
"Paul's Not Home" Gibby Haynes _Paul's Not Home_
"Job" Iggy & The Stooges _Ready To Die_
"You Are A Lion, I Am A Lamb" Ex Cops _True Hallucinations_
"Borrowed Time" Parquet Courts _Light Up Gold_
"Sir William Wray" The Fall _Re-Mit_