It turns out it's good that I am not doing a show this week. I pulled a muscle in my shoulder & everything hurts. I am such a fucking baby. I know people who deal with carpal tunnel, who have continual & constant pain every day, & I'm like, "No I can't sit up it hurts waaah."
My wife had to have surgery in her neck - one of the most dangerous places to have surgery - & she was in pain months before it happened. But I know this will mostly be okay in a week but I am completely inconsolable.
There'll be a new Dickenbock Report on Tuesday & I'm working on it now but jeez it's taking forever & it's very, very uncomfortable to sit in front of a computer right now. Seriously, though. What a fucking whiny piece of shit I am.
Saturday, May 23, 2020
Friday, May 22, 2020
May 22, 2007
Thirteen years ago on this blog I was about to see Morrissey for the first time live, & I was prepared to do a radio show in tribute to him. This is what I wrote for the blog:
I have this dread feeling when it comes to people whom I admire greatly that, if left alone with them, I wouldn't be able to say anything & they'd dislike me immediately. This is partially why I have become such great friends with Scott McLellan*. Part of me wants to say it'd be different with Morrissey, but everyone thinks they'd have a great relationship with Morrissey. It's not like people who become friends with Elvis Costello, then come to loathe him because of his current wife. Morrissey's wife is, I'm told, very down to earth. Like June Cleaver with chest hair. She uses all parts of the tofu when she cooks it. She is, it has been widely reported, the sort of girl you'd bring home to meet mother. Not father. Mother.
I have never met Morrissey, & I won't when he comes to town this week. But I feel like I really, really know him. Not like that asshole Johnny Marr. Do I get a sense of him from the new Modest Mouse record? No! I get a Mousey feeling, but that fucker's not Modest. Why should he be? Didn't he write the music for "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out"? Yes, he did. So he can call me all the names he wants. He can shit on my head when I am lying bleeding on the pavement because Morrissey kicked me in the teeth again, I DON'T CARE. He's allowed. But I still don't know him.
I used to know Morrissey, too. In his lean mean period, after he released one crappy record too many in the late 90s & was forced to turn to Bingo to make ends meet. You'll remember those days - I was afraid I had scarlet rubella, & you were daydreaming of making a reality television show where you'd be trapped on a desert island with only fifteen fifteen-year-old boys & girls & the soundtrack to "Hackers." Morrissey existed almost entirely in our heads, saved from ten years before when we were lonesome & we didn't want to believe people could take anything more seriously than we did. Morrissey disappeared, though - up the ass of the universe, I once heard you say - & you disappeared, too. You became part of Kenneth Lay's Ethics Squad & you were the number one Blowjob Researcher in Washington, DC.
Neither one of you did badly, though - Morrissey made a comeback & he's coming to town this week, & you went to the private sector & now study blowjobs for GE. I am estranged from you both. I guess, like the characters in the songs that Morrissey sings that I listen to & which I'll play on my show Friday, I got left behind.
No tears! I am not the saddest clown! Worry me not, endless past! I shall be free of you one day, if only because I plan to remove pieces of my brain one by one until I no longer remember grunge! I am prepared for collateral damage!
Tomorrow: a very long poem to Morrissey written when I was 17 & had never been kissed. Not even by Morrissey.
* I confess I had forgotten who this person was. Wikipedia tells me, "Scott McClellan was the twenty-second White House Press Secretary for President George W. Bush, & author of a controversial No. 1 New York Times bestseller about the Bush Administration titled What Happened. He replaced Ari Fleischer as press secretary in July 2003 & served until May 10, 2006." He's from Austin & he was literally born six days before I was.
I have this dread feeling when it comes to people whom I admire greatly that, if left alone with them, I wouldn't be able to say anything & they'd dislike me immediately. This is partially why I have become such great friends with Scott McLellan*. Part of me wants to say it'd be different with Morrissey, but everyone thinks they'd have a great relationship with Morrissey. It's not like people who become friends with Elvis Costello, then come to loathe him because of his current wife. Morrissey's wife is, I'm told, very down to earth. Like June Cleaver with chest hair. She uses all parts of the tofu when she cooks it. She is, it has been widely reported, the sort of girl you'd bring home to meet mother. Not father. Mother.
I have never met Morrissey, & I won't when he comes to town this week. But I feel like I really, really know him. Not like that asshole Johnny Marr. Do I get a sense of him from the new Modest Mouse record? No! I get a Mousey feeling, but that fucker's not Modest. Why should he be? Didn't he write the music for "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out"? Yes, he did. So he can call me all the names he wants. He can shit on my head when I am lying bleeding on the pavement because Morrissey kicked me in the teeth again, I DON'T CARE. He's allowed. But I still don't know him.
I used to know Morrissey, too. In his lean mean period, after he released one crappy record too many in the late 90s & was forced to turn to Bingo to make ends meet. You'll remember those days - I was afraid I had scarlet rubella, & you were daydreaming of making a reality television show where you'd be trapped on a desert island with only fifteen fifteen-year-old boys & girls & the soundtrack to "Hackers." Morrissey existed almost entirely in our heads, saved from ten years before when we were lonesome & we didn't want to believe people could take anything more seriously than we did. Morrissey disappeared, though - up the ass of the universe, I once heard you say - & you disappeared, too. You became part of Kenneth Lay's Ethics Squad & you were the number one Blowjob Researcher in Washington, DC.
Neither one of you did badly, though - Morrissey made a comeback & he's coming to town this week, & you went to the private sector & now study blowjobs for GE. I am estranged from you both. I guess, like the characters in the songs that Morrissey sings that I listen to & which I'll play on my show Friday, I got left behind.
No tears! I am not the saddest clown! Worry me not, endless past! I shall be free of you one day, if only because I plan to remove pieces of my brain one by one until I no longer remember grunge! I am prepared for collateral damage!
Tomorrow: a very long poem to Morrissey written when I was 17 & had never been kissed. Not even by Morrissey.
* I confess I had forgotten who this person was. Wikipedia tells me, "Scott McClellan was the twenty-second White House Press Secretary for President George W. Bush, & author of a controversial No. 1 New York Times bestseller about the Bush Administration titled What Happened. He replaced Ari Fleischer as press secretary in July 2003 & served until May 10, 2006." He's from Austin & he was literally born six days before I was.
Thursday, May 21, 2020
Self Help Radio 051820: Keep It
(Original image here.)
Yes, yes, I know, I know, this show took too long to get to you. It's almost guaranteed to not be worth the wait. But it's yours now, you gotta keep it.
This past week I've learned I've overcommitted myself. You'd think it would be easy to prerecord radio shows from home, but I am the farthest thing from a natural on the mic (you didn't need me to tell you that) so I spend a good deal of time editing my airbreaks. Self Help Radio comes with its own issues with the interviews, which I edit & re-edit hoping to make them as entertaining as possible & also to make sure they showcase the best of the interviewees. Suddenly I had two prerecords due for a deadline & Self Help Radio went by the wayside. I hope Freeform gets its automation set up soon, I would not have done that if I knew I had to have it in by a certain time.
In any event, I'm going to skip next Monday to try to get ahead of the next cycle, & I have an extra episode of The Dickenbock Report to work on besides. Meanwhile, please enjoy this nonsense which features too many versions of Dylan's "I'll Keep It With Mine" plus my funny friends being very, very funny.
The show is now at Self Help Radio dot net. Remember the username - SHR - & password - selfhelp - because you'll need them. The show is two hours long, what happens on the show is below.
Self Help Radio Keep It Show
"Keep It" Dexys Midnight Runners _Searching For The Young Soul Rebels_
"Keep It Comin'" Rufus _Rufus_
"Keep It Moving" Deep Sea Diver _History Speaks_
introduction, definitions, & kazoo
"I'll Keep It With Mine" Bob Dylan _Biograph_
"Keep It Clean" Rufus & Ben Quillian _Hokum, Blues, & Rags_
"Keep It To Yourself" Sonny Boy Williamson II _Sonny Boy Williamson_
"Keep It Simple" Allen Clapp & His Orchestra _One Hundred Percent Chance Of Rain_
"Keep It In The Family" Black Box Recorder _Life Is Unfair_
interview with horror writer Bartleby O'Brien
"I'll Keep It With Mine" Nico _Chelsea Girls_
"Keep It Up" The Boomtown Rats _The Fine Art Of Surfacing_
"Keep It In Mind" Tramway _A Brand Of Lovin'_
"How You Gonna Keep It (After You Get It)" Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 9: 1969_
"I Keep It Hid" Alice Clark _Alice Clark_
interview with trendsetter/trendspotter Duke Simpson
"I'll Keep It With Mine" Rainy Day _Rainy Day_
"Can't Keep It In" Cat Stevens _On The Road To Find Out_
"Keep It Together" Sprites _Starling, Spiders, Tiger, & Sprites_
"You Keep It All In" The Beautiful South _Welcome To The Beautiful South_
"Keep It For Your Own" Pop Etc _Pop Etc_
interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently
"I'll Keep It With Mine" Bettie Serveert _I Shot Andy Warhol: Music From & Inspired By The Motion Picture_
"Keep It Simple Stupid" The King Khan Experience _The King Khan Experience_
"Keep It In Motion" Guided By Voices _Class Clown Spots A UFO_
"Keep It Coming" The Manhattan Love Suicides _Burnt Out Landscapes_
"Keep It Surreal" Ride _Tomorrow's Shore_
conclusions, goodbye, phone call from Elliot Klifnerd, & kazoo
"I'll Keep It With Mine (Scott Hardkiss Remix)" Dean & Britta _13 Most Beautiful: Songs For Andy Warhol's Screen Tests_
"I'll Keep It Inside" Belle & Sebastian _Days Of The Bagnold Summer_
"Keep It In Mind" Kleenex Girl Wonder _Sexual Harassment_
"Keep It Together, Somehow" Bearsuit _Oh:io_
"Keep It From The Baby" Overlord _In Soviet Russia, My Heart Breaks You_
Monday, May 18, 2020
Whither Keep It?
(This is the first thing that comes up when I google "keep it." It's apparently "a podcast about pop culture, politics, & what happens when they smack into each other at alarming speed." I'm sure it's great.)
A brief interview with myself about the current state of Self Help Radio:
What's the current state of Self Help Radio?
Hey, I'm still doing it weekly. It's just not appearing every week at a specific time like when it's on a regular radio schedule.
Why not?
Because they haven't got the automation set up properly at Freeform at the moment. Hopefully some time in June, the show will air during its regular time slot.
So it's not because you're lazy?
This has nothing to do with laziness. I have been subbing shows on KBOO, & I've been doing The Dickenbock Report, & those shows air at a specific time, & the prerecords have to be ready twenty-four hours before that, so I am prioritizing those.
When does Self Help Radio air on Freeform?
That's something I don't know. All the content - except the special episodes on Friday & Saturday - are random. A couple of weeks ago I got a note that the April 6th show was airing on a Thursday night. In that way it's probably unfair to foist Self Help Radio on an unsuspecting public. At least when it's on during its regular time, you have fair warning to avoid it!
It just seems like it's taking you longer & longer to do an episode. Why is that?
It might be because there's no deadline. I am a serial procrastinator, & deadlines keep me honest. We'll see what happens when the show is more regularly scheduled. Plus...
What?
This might not be the best place to announce it, but starting June 9th, I'll be re-doing old recent episodes of Self Help Radio to air on KBOO on alternate weeks from The Dickenbock Report! It might only be for a couple of months, but I'm excited!
Will there be a new show tomorrow, then?
Yes, I hope so.
Yes, you hope so?
All I can say is, check back here tomorrow, or on the SHR Facebook page, or on the show's Twitter page. I am working on it now. I hope to have it done by tomorrow. Or just keep an eye on Self Help Radio website. That's where everything ends up.
Okay, well, thanks for letting me interview you, me.
You're welcome me!