Twitter Pimping

I just wrote this ("tweeted") on my Twitter account:


"That's it! If Canada gets reelected I'm moving to Obamacare!"


That is just the sort of hard-hitting political observational humor you'll get from me, as well as short sentences that mean not a whole lot, if you "follow" me on Twitter.  It's @SelfHelpRadio.  You can read my ridiculous twits here.


Oh!  If you go there, you'll see I have only a handful of "followers."  That is appropriate but it makes me sad.  Why don't you "follow" me?  I'm not really going anywhere, but, you know.  It's something to do.


I'm really bad at this, aren't I?

Pressure Suits Me

Finally!  A searing exposé into the high-pressure world of non-commercial radio!  Listen as the deejay plays music on an empty college campus!  Overhear in the background the sound of a computer idling with disuse!  Sense the horrible regret almost forming as the deejay tells the caller ONE MORE TIME that he's pretty sure No Doubt never wrote a song about pressure!  It may break you!  It may shake you!  It may take you ninety minutes to listen to it!

The pressure-filled songs are listed below.  Hurry, before the pressure gets too great - & I'm not even talking about the peer pressure - & listen to the show over at the Self Help Radio website.  If you must have instant satisfaction - & in this high pressure high stakes world, who has time for satisfaction that takes longer than an instant - you can listen to part one here & you can listen to part two here.

I can't take this pressure!

(part one)

"Pressure's On" Red C _Flex Your Head_
"The Pressure's On" Rudi _Babylon's Burning - The Rough & Ready Rise Of Punk Rawk 1973 - 1978_
"Pressure Zone" Beat Union _Disconnected_

"Under Pressure" Xiu Xiu _Women As Lovers_
"Too Much Pressure" Selecter _Too Much Pressure_
"Pressure Drop" Toots & The Maytals _The Harder They Come_
"The Pressure" A Tribe Called Quest _Beats, Rhymes & Life_
"The Pressure Of Life (Takes The Weight Off The Body)" Fun Boy Three _Waiting_

"Inna City Pressure" Dr. Israel _Inna City Pressure_
"Inner City Pressure" Flight Of The Conchords _Flight Of The Conchords_

(part two)

"How Much Pressure (Do You Think I Can Stand)" Roscoe Robinson _The Sweet Sound Of Success_
"Get Up Offa That Thing (Release The Pressure)" James Brown _Star Time_

"Pressure Suit" Adult. _Resuscitation_
"High Blood Pressure" Bobby Marchan & The Clowns _Huey "Piano" Smith's Rock & Roll Revival_
"Can You Stand The Pressure" Bobby Freeman _Double Shot Of Soul_
"Pressure" The Kinks _Low Budget_
"Peer Pressure" The Defekts _Red Snerts_
"No Pressure" Secret Cities _Strange Hearts_

"Pressure" Neil Young _Landing On Water_
"Pressure" Bram Tchaikovsky _Pressure_
"Of Pressure" Mirah _You Think It's Like This But Really It's Like This_
"The Intolerable Pressures Of Modern Life" The Otto Show _The Otto Show_

Whither Pressure?

Do you think you know pressure?  Do you?

Today while I was working on the pressure show for tomorrow, my computer shut down.  It wasn't just my computer - the electricity in the entire house turned off.  I went outside - fearing I might not have paid a bill recently - & everyone was walking outside, asking what happened?

The power was off for six hours.  My phone was at less than 20% battery power.  I realized late into the process I could charge it in the car but I didn't want to sit in a hot garage.  Why sit in a hot garage? We have an electric garage door opener.  Oh I figured how to open the damn garage "manually."  It didn't charge the phone fast enough.  It wasn't fun, sitting in a car.  I played sudoku.  I tried to call the power company to get information about the outage.

No one answered at the power company.  I was on hold for half an hour.  I gave up.  I tried to nap.  I read an entire issue of Harper's.

I was stomping around outside, wondering if I could drive somewhere with my computer - which had my show on it, remember - & work on it in a coffee shop with free wi-fi or something.  Then the neighbors said, "Hooray!"  I looked in one of my windows.  The ceiling fans were turning again.

Six hours!  I nearly went mad.  We still don't know what happened.  Will we ever?

Think I'll talk about this on the show?  Maybe.  Maybe not.

The show is on tomorrow morning from 7:30 to 9:00 am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington.  Online it's a-streaming everywhere at WRFL dot FM.  I feel a lot of pressure to put it up later in the day at the Self Help Radio website.  It's the sort of pressure that never goes away.

Preface To Pressure: High Blood

Here are some facts about high blood pressure.

One in three adults in the United States have high blood pressure.  Much of this is probably related to the fact that one in three adults is also obese.  (I think I've mentioned this before, but being obese is the notch above being overweight - & something like 2 in 3 Americans are overweight.)

I confess I have high blood pressure, & I take medication to deal with it.  I'm not in the best of physical shape - I never have been - but when I found out, I stopped putting salt on my food & I gave up caffeine.  My doctor also suggested I stop drinking, to which I said, "Ho ho, you're funny!"

Most, if not all, of my siblings have high blood pressure, & I've been told it's genetic.  One of my sisters even told me how she lost a lot of weight & still had high blood pressure, all the while puffing on a cigarette.  I personally think it's probably more related to our health than our genes.

I take stumbling, half-assed steps to try to get in better shape in order to one day lose the pills, but I lack commitment & follow-through.  But I was raised by a fearful mother to take fear very seriously, & my reptile brain is kept alert by reading things like "high blood pressure greatly increases the risk for heart disease & stroke, the first & third leading causes of death in the United States."

A stroke!  Parts of your brain dying!  That should make everyone go see a doctor!

Look Ahead In Anger

There are things you can do to make sure you're not angry all the time.  I have several myself.

I don't watch local news, or any show about celebrity gossip.  Unless you count the Soup, which makes fun of shows like that but also sometimes makes me angry.

I don't listen to commercial radio.  Classic rock or pabulum rock stations ensure that shitty songs that are stuck in my head because I listened to radio when I was younger are more permanently etched in my brain; modern stations remind me how sad & soulless the music industry really is.

I mean, the same songs that I loathe now that I had to listen to over & over when I was ten are not only still being played, but if you're a ten-year-old & your parent is listening to whatever godawful radio station plays the ordure that you might see at a Grammy or American Music Awards ceremony, you're now, years later, in the same boat we all are: we know all the words to fucking Billy Joel songs.  There's got to be some way to make our parents pay for that.

I don't engage in any online discussions ever.  About two years ago I had a simple question I asked a conservative friend & she decided to respond by shitting vitriol into my eyes.  It's already a cliché that people are bigger assholes behind their screen names than they would actually be in real life.  But Christ, why even bother?  Have you ever been swayed by a rational argument on a message board?

I don't always tell people my opinion about something.  It's much easier to smile & nod while someone talks to you about a transcendent experience at something they did which was so obviously horrible that you wouldn't wish Gitmo detainees to experience it.  Oh, & I hope they do the same for me.

I do try not to be so negative.  I try not to say "don't" all the time.  Especially in lists.

I mean...  Oh hell.

But Is It Art?

I had to sit at a table today while incoming freshmen & freshwomen were accompanied by their always-embarrassing parents during - I guess it's orientation? - & student groups were showing off what they were & what they do.  I was of course at the WRFL table.  We had very little swag - unlike the Student Government table next to us which was giving away UK sunglasses, lip balm, & even hand sanitizer.  That was popular with the always-embarrassing parents.  They scorned us for not even having a pen to snag!

Really, there were horrible-looking women from some holler in Kentucky with bags just throwing things in them as if it were some kind of Halloween buffet.

The thing is, incoming students at this or any other university are not very likely to even know what radio is.  When my co-tabler, the station's Program Manager, told a parent we played "alternative music," the parent turned to his couldn't-have-cared-less kid & said, "You like alternative music, right?  You listen to that channel on Sirius!"

I'm not really in any position to advise the station on how to do outreach but it was a big waste of time. It's best to either have a station-centric event - which could have food or music or some other kind of incentive or enticement - or to let people find the station on their own.  Radio is not something kids really think about.

This made me think of a friend I have recently reconnected with.  When he knew me, I wanted to be a writer.  If you've read any part of this blog, you have had the same realization that I did many years ago: I'm not very good at it.  He seemed to think that me saying, "I'm not a very good writer," was some manifestation of low self-esteem, & tried to tell me that, no, I was a good writer, & I inspired him as well!

(This conversation was all texted, by the way.  What a shitty way to communicate.)

I shut him up by saying, "I never loved writing like I love radio.  Radio is my art form."

If radio is an art form - it may not be, but it can be a means of expressing oneself - it's certainly becoming something as rare as the fine arts of sculpture & painting & etc.  Which is why the WRFL table at the college orientation wasn't very successful - it was as successful as someone in a beret wearing a smock asking people to join a sculptor's club would be.

I think you can teach people to be tolerably good deejays, but you can't teach them to love & appreciate good music.  I know that fully 99.9% of the people in that building at any given time had terrible taste in music.  & that's because 99.9% of everyone has terrible taste in music.  Have you heard what people like recently?

She Said What?

What did she say?  Did anyone get that?  Should I have been listening?  Was it important?  Why am I asking you?  Did you even hear what she said?  Don't you think if what she said was serious she should've said it louder?  Maybe cleared her throat or something beforehand, like people do when they want to get someone's attention?  Will anyone tell me what she said?  Or do I have to listen to an entire radio show to find out?

Bingo!  Find out what she said at the Self Help Radio website.  If you want direct links to what she said, she said this first & then she said this second.  A preview of what she said is below.

Seriously, she said that?  Wow.

(part one)

"She Said" Hasil Adkins _Out To Hunch_

"She Said" Holly Golightly _Truly She Is None Other_

"She Said" Yeah Jazz _She Said_

"What She Said" The Smiths _Meat Is Murder_

"What She Said" The Feelies _Time For A Witness_

"She Said" Longpigs _The Sun Is Often Out_

"All The Things She Said (Peel)" Cinerama _Peel Sessions, Vol. 3: Holiday_

"He Said She Said" Bruce McCulloch _Shame-Based Man_

"She's Sad She Said" The Judybats _Down In The Shacks Where The Satellite Dishes Grow_

"She Said She Said" The Beatles _Revolver_

"She Said Yeah" Larry Williams _Bad Boy_

(part two)

"Just A Girl She Said" Dubstar _Stars: The Best Of Dubstar_

"Molly's Lips" The Vaselines _The Way Of The Vaselines: A Complete History_

"My Baby Said She Loved Me This Morning" Chris Hills/Everything Is Everything _Comin' Outta The Ghetto_

"She Said Goodbye" Billy Hambric _Nitty Gritty_

"Jennifer She Said" Lloyd Cole & The Commotions _Mainstream_

"Sylvia Said" John Cale _The Island Years_

"Melody Said" Bill Pritchard _Happiness & Other Crimes_

"Ooh, She Said" The Wonder Stuff _The Eight Legged Groove Machine_

"She Said" Scratch Acid _The Greatest Gift_

"She Said" Red Lorry Yellow Lorry _Nothing Wrong_

"Drive, She Said" Julian Cope _Peggy Suicide_

"She Said" Gang Of Four _Content_

"She Said Go" Private Dicks _The Heartbeat Singles Collection 1978-1981_

Whither What She Said?

It's really because of this song:



But it has become a lot more!  Tune in tomorrow morning from 7:30 to 9:00 am in Lexington on the 88.1 fm frequency, or online anywhere at wrfl dot fm to find out "what she said."  I'll archive the show later at the Self Help Radio website, but what if doing that destroys some of the magic?

Assuming there is magic.  How would I know?

Preface To What She Said: That's NOT What She Said

This week's theme, "What She Said," was something I had planned to do before the wife started watching "The Office" (the American version) on The Netflix in the evenings.  Though I wasn't really paying attention - the first episodes are really just pale versions of the superior British series - I confess, over time, I got sucked in.  The characters really drew me in.  & then the wife & I scrambled to watch the entire series.  In all of this, I forgot about this show I had vaguely planned with the theme "what she said" & never even thought about it when I heard Steve Carell's character's oft-repeated punchline: "That's what she said!"

It's such a character trait that it is (spoiler alert!) the last thing the character says (or mouths, really) as he leaves the show to be with his perfect love in Colorado.

That's not on this (unfortunately unembeddable) Youtube collection of slightly out-of-sync clips from the series, featuring Carell & others using the line.

This has happened before, & it's the fault of planning things in advance - the weird coincidence of culture coinciding with my dumb little radio show.  Although to be fair, Carell left the show over a year ago - I can't recall if people use the line as much or as often anymore.

That's what I say, anyway.

The Neighbor No One Likes

There's a man in the neighborhood whom I call the neighbor no one likes, not because no one likes him, because he's very likable, but because he acts like no one likes him.  I think he might be more proud than offended to be called "the neighbor no one likes."

The other day, he asked me about the my radio show, since I mentioned WRFL.  & since Lexington is still really a small town, he asked me about people he knew at the station.  He didn't really want to hear about my show unless he had actually heard of it.  Which of course he hadn't.  But that didn't stop him from telling me about people he knew at the station.  I listened patiently & I said, "Wow, Lexington is a small town!"

That same day I was fretting about not mowing the lawn in a while.  It wasn't crazy overgrown, but it was unkempt - the sort of unkempt that invites people in beat-up pick-up trucks with lawn care equipment piled in the back to come to your door & ask to mow your lawn.  It only suffers in comparison with the well-manicured lawns that our neighbors have.

The "neighbor no one likes" listened to me & gave me his advice.  He said, "Let it grow until it's really crazy.  That'll piss 'em off."

That's why I call him the neighbor no one likes.  Maybe he's more the neighbor who doesn't care if anyone likes him.  Hey!  I know two things about him: he sits & watched fireflies in the dusk & drinks white wine while he does it.

I wrote a truncated version of this helpless anecdote on my Twitter page.  I still have hardly any followers.  I need to synch my Twitter with my Facebook.  Maybe that will encourage people to follow me.  I expect it'll end in tears.  & those tears will be mine.

Man, What A Manifesto!

I like the word sobriquet.  I've never had a nickname.  At least not one that was not derogatory, but technically, that would be an epithet, not a proper nickname.  For example, I knew a kid in middle school whose name was Larry, but everyone called him Rocko.  That's a nickname.

Interestingly, a person I see on my dog walks is named Rocco, but that's a proper Italian name & not a nickname at all.

The closest I've had to a nickname was my last name.  Because in middle school & in high school pretty much everyone had to take a P.E. class, & because the coaches in "physical education" classes called everyone by their last name, I was usually called "Dickerson" by my classmates.  These did not include my closest friends, or the high school equivalent (I am currently in touch with only a few of the people I went to high school with, &, tellingly, none of them were in my graduating class).  My teachers also called me "Gary."  But it's enough that, if someone were to say "Dickerson," I'd respond as if they called me by my first name.

What would I have liked my nickname to have been?  How the hell should I know?

I do know what I am glad it isn't.  My father, who had the awesome named Everett Ray Dickerson, had a nickname, & not a very inventive one: people (including my mother) called him "Dick."  I'm sure the word had the same double meaning at the time (it's what people have called a penis for centuries I bet) but it was common enough that, rather than being called by the lovely name Everett, my father preferred "Dick."

As did his brother, my uncle Harold.  It's true!  One time I happened to be with both of them at their work - they worked together at that point in their lives - & someone said, "Dick!" & both of them turned around to answer.  That was freaky.

The Toast Was Not Burnt

I've never been more hungry while doing a radio show.  & WRFL's toaster is on the fritz!

Delicious songs are listed below.  The show of course is at the Self Help Radio website but if you're too impatient, you can listen to the show directly by clicking the links here: part one | part two.  Make sure you have a working toaster & a lot of bread handy!

(part one)

"Toast & Jelly" Poi Dog Pondering _Poi Dog Pondering_
"Doc Clock (The Breakfast Time Friend)" Sylvia & Murray Winant _It's Fun To Eat_
"Toast" Heywood Banks _If Pigs Had Wings_

"More Than Toast" The Mr. T Experience _Big Black Bugs Bleed Blue Blood_
"She Don't Use Jelly" The Flaming Lips _Transmissions From The Satellite Heart_
"At The House Of Toast" Bob & Ray _Classic Bob & Ray, Vol. 2_
"Toast" Archers Of Loaf _Icky Mettle_
"Guava Jelly" Johnny Nash _The Harder They Come_

"Cheese & Toast" BMX Bandits _My Chain_
"Jelly" The Bagdads _Double Shot Of Soul_
"Coffee & Toast" James _The Collection_
"Alan's Psychedelic Breakfast" Pink Floyd _Atom Heart Mother_

(part two)

"Toast" Streetband _Toast_
"I'm A Poached Egg (Without Toast)" Ella Fitzgerald _Jukebox Ella_

"Scraping The Toast (with George Murphy)" Alice Faye _The Ultimate Collection_
"It Must Be Jelly ('Cause Jam Don't Shake Like That)" Glenn Miller _Glenn Miller - Army Air Force Band_
"Peanut Butter & Jelly" Beastie Boys _Hello Nasty_
"Jam Up & Jelly Tight" Tommy Roe _Greatest Hits_
"Bread & Butter" The Newbeats _Golden Classics Collection_
"Smoky Toast" Space Ghost _Yeah, Whatever_
"Crazy Ellen's Home Made Blueberry Jam" Reneri's Raiders _Lost Jukebox, Vol. 80_
"Black Raspberry Jam" Fats Waller _1936_

"Toast & Marmalade For Tea" Tin Tin _Super Hits Of The '70s: Have A Nice Day! Vol. 16_
"Jelly Dancers" Bruce Haack _Listen Compute Rock Home: The Best Of Dimension 5_
"Jelly Belly" The Electric Company _The Electric Company/Original Cast_
"Jelly Covered Cloud" Scaffold _Lily The Pink_

Whither Toast & Jelly & Jam?

I was hungry damnit!

I am writing now about the history of toast & the history of jam.  I will read about them on my show tomorrow.  You must listen to find out.  7:30 to 9:00 am in Lexington at 88.1 fm on the dial.  You can listen live anywhere (as long as you adjust for the time zone difference) at WRFL dot fm.  I will archive it later at the Self Help Radio website.

A toast to you!  With toast & jelly & jam!

Preface To Toast & Jelly & Jam: Breakfast For Dinner?

Hell yeah!

In the past couple of years I've been doing most of the cooking in the household.  It is something one needs to turn to when one is vegan & lives in a town with few vegan/vegetarian options.  I've heard of vegans who can't cook but I believe being a passable cook (if I am that) is mostly a matter of time & will.  If you want to cook something well, you probably can - but you did need to want it & you need to have the time.

I have no idea how housewives of yore - & today - manage it.  A tasty meal, night after night?  Astounding.

Being vegan, I don't eat eggs, & as such I miss one of my favorite Tex-Mex dishes: migas.  You can click the link to see what those are.  In the United States, I haven't been able to find migas outside of Texas.  Vegans often make a similar dish - really, though, they're just trying to make a version of scrambled eggs - called tofu scramble.  The ubiquitousness & mundanity of tofu scramble makes some people feel the need to update it or zazz it up.

With my knowledge of both migas & tofu scramble, I've created a hybrid which would be great for breakfast - though I make it usually for dinner.  I call it scrapple.

But wait! you say.  There's already something called scrapple - & it ain't vegetarian.

Sue me.  That's what I call my tofu scramble/migas mash-up.  I fill it full of vegetables - green bell peppers, onions, carrots, jalapeños (pickled & fresh) - I add tofu & I add potatoes - I even crumble up tortilla chips in it like they do in migas - I add tomatoes at the end so they're extra fresh - mmmmmm.

There's spices & oats & nutritional yeast, too, but this isn't a cooking blog.  It's for a radio show.  Silly.

& one day I'll master pancakes & make them for dinner too!

Are You Or Someone You Love Afflicted With Homophobia

Now there's a website to help!

Hooray!

Twitster

So I listen to Marc Maron's WTF podcast a lot - not obsessively, since sometimes I don't know the guests or they're just not interesting to me - & he's always going on about Twitter.  I really don't know a whole lot about it, but it seems to work for him (of course, he's a famous comedian - I'm just a guy in Kentucky who does a little radio show) & he talks about how everyone should be on Twitter.  He's talking about comedians, not guys in Kentucky who do little radio shows.  It just kinda got into my head.

You know what that means: I've started a Self Help Radio Twitter account.  It's @SelfHelpRadio.  It's going to end badly.

I know I just started it today, but I so far have only two followers, both people who happened to read my post on the Facebook, & I've "followed" many more.  That's the trick, I am told: have a lot of people you're following, re-tweet stuff, be active.

A few years ago, pretending it was ten years before, I added a "guestbook" to my web site.  I hoped people would write nice things about my show.  But bad things happened, which I talked about here.  Eventually the guestbook had to go.

Will bad things happen with the Twitster account?  Oh, I am expecting them to.

But  I suppose I'll be trying to write clever & witty every day or so.  Do you want maybe to follow me?  If you, I'll follow you.  Seriously.  Anywhere.

A Show Full Of Ups & Downs

Self Help Radio's possibly inappropriate exploration of elevators & escalators had several double entendres of the sort one might expect when talking about things that go up & down.  Being run by a naive fellow who's really only a danger to himself, Self Help Radio apologizes for "sexing it up" on Monday mornings without properly contacting a ratings authority.  In case such things exist.

The show has its ups & downs, ho ho ho.  The show is stuck between floors at the Self Help Radio web site.  Should you wish to access the mp3 files directly, the first part is on the up escalator & the second part is on the down escalator.  The list of the songs on each level are below.

(part one)

"Elevators & Escators" PBNJ Buchanan _Ups & Downs_
"Elevator Hopper" Kid Koala _Some Of My Best Friends Are DJs_
"Elevator Love Letter" Stars _Heart_

"Elevator Man" Roy Nelson _Northern Soul Fever, Vol. 2_
"Elevator" Hannibal Buress _Animal Furnace_
"The Elephant Elevator Operator" Sesame Street _Sesame Street: Silly Songs_
"Escalator Of Life" Robert Hazard _Just Can't Get Enough: New Wave Hits of the 80's, Vol. 5_
"Elevator Baby" Frankie Starr _Western Dance, Vol. 1_
"Up The Down Escalator" The Chameleons _Script Of The Bridge_

"Elevator Papa, Switchboard Mama" Butterbeans & Susie _Please Warm My Weiner: Old Time Hokum Blues_
"Elevator Girl" Rainbow Red Oxidizer _Recorded Lies_
"The Crystal Escalator In The Palace Of God Department Store" Bill Nelson _The Love That Whirls (Diary Of A Thinking Heart)_

(part two)

"I'm Gonna Be Your Elevator" The Fresh & Onlys _Grey-Eyed Girls_
"Elevator Operator" Gene Clark _Echoes_

"Escalator Over The Hill" Talulah Gosh _Backwash_
"Elevator À Go-Go" Die Fünf Freunde _Inspektor, Inspektor_
"Hit H" Bitesize _The Best Of_
"Escalator" Holly Golightly & The Brokeoffs _Medicine County_
"Elevator" Eugene Mirman _God Is A Twelve-Year-Old Boy With Asperger's_
"Hippy Elevator Operator" W.C. Fields Memorial Electric String Band _Where The Action Is! (Los Angeles Nuggets 1965-1968)_
"Elevator Boogie" Bill Johnson & His Musical Notes _The Jive Is Jumpin': RCA & Bluebird Vocal Groups, 1939-52_

"Elevator Boy" Laid Back _Keep Smiling_
"Elevator Man" British Road Runners _The Super K Kollection, Volume 1_
"Elevator" Grapefruit _Lost Jukebox, Vol. 8_
"Elevator Man" AstroPuppees _Little Chick Tsunami_

Whither Elevators/Escalators?

The place I used to work - at the University of Texas - sort of doesn't exist anymore.  It's called Batts Hall & while this is what it looks like from the front, the inside is totally different because of a renovation that happened a few years ago.  The halls I used to walk down every day for a decade no longer look the same, & the rooms in which I worked are not there.

I miss two things most of all.  One is the marble foyer that stood outside an old auditorium.  I had several classes in that auditorium when I was a UT student.  In one psychology class, I fainted.  In another government class, I slept - a lot.  The teacher had to stand at a lectern at the stage right - there was a stage there - & I enjoyed, when there were no classes, wandering through the barely-used-anymore dressing rooms backstage.  The auditorium was fine, but that foyer was lovely.  I liked walking through to get to my office.

That's all gone.

& the old Otis elevator is gone too.  Toward the end, I seem to remember seeing the Otis repairman around several times a year.  The building had four stories (I suppose it still does) & the elevator went up to the third.  I used the elevator most days - some days I felt I should take the stairs (I worked on the second floor) - & I loved one thing about the elevator: you could stop it, pry open the doors without much trouble, & then get out (after opening the doors at the floor) & leave the elevator stuck.

I know, it's a little dickish, but I only did it once.  In some cases, it's just nice to know that something is possible.

That elevator, of course, is gone.  The one that replaced it is as impersonal as all new stuff invariably is.

Speaking of impersonal, Self Help Radio is of course having a show about elevators & escalators tomorrow morning from 7:30 to 8:00 am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington & you can of course listen online at wrfl dot fm.  I don't use any elevator at the University of Kentucky, but assuming I don't get trapped in an elevator, I'll post the show later on at self help radio dot net.

Going up!

Preface To Elevators & Escalators: Which Do You Prefer?

Some opinions here & here.

People on the Straight Dope message board discuss it here.

There's no word for a fear of elevators (it's close to claustrophobia) but if you are - & I think I know a claustrophobic person who does not in fact ride elevators - here are some tips to help out.

(Snap a rubber band?)

Apparently being afraid of escalators has a name, & it's escalatophobia.  These aren't quite tips, but here's a lot more information about escalatophobia.


Myself, I was always much more afraid of escalators than elevators.  To this day, the first step is a deliberate one - after all, there's an evil, reverse side of the escalator that we can't see - but which, it always seems, is lit with evil green light.  Isn't the light coming from the inside of an escalator always green?  What is lit with green light?


Evil is.


The scariest escalators in the world are in Washington, D.C.'s subways system.  Falling down this is not how I want to die:

Please Wait Ten Seconds

Does anyone remember Colorforms?

Do they still make Colorforms?

I wish I could go back in time & watch myself play with Colorforms.  I have memories of entire stories unfolding on that two dimensional space, with the strange plastic shapes ("forms") moved around like terrible animation by me, often mixing in some other Colorforms characters from different sets.  I remember sometimes continuing stories over the course of days.  Me, all by myself in a room, making a movie with my hands, my little brain & a couple of Colorforms stages.

I know that kids today get used to having constant stimulation & find such immobile things dull.  A friend of my wife tells me his kids find Mister Rogers boring.  Imagine!  I have no illusions that any child would have the same experience I had with Colorforms.

What I would like to hear were the stories I acted out.  I am a terrible storyteller - a failed writer - which I think is obvious - & I have no sense of plot or character development - & the adventures I was enacting were probably cliched & dull, whole narratives lifted from comic books or cartoons.

But what if they weren't?  I think it wouldn't hurt for me to find out.

Though I never will.

Grackle

I have a bird feeder.  I like to see birds very happily flutter around it & eat.  In general, I'd love to have many, many different kinds of birds, but over time it gets overrun with sparrows with the occasional dove, blue jay & cardinal hanging around.  I'd prefer a few more finches.

I bought the kind of bird feeder which is supposed to be primarily for small birds, "songbirds."  It has a circular metal grill that surrounds it which should only allow birds of a certain size, but because seed falls to the feeder floor, a larger bird can grasp the feeder & stick its head in.(*)  I don't always mind when it's a lovely bird, like a cardinal, although the bigger birds do tend to shoo the smaller birds away.

At some point recently, though, the most hated of birds descended upon my feeder: the grackle.  Suddenly they were everywhere, & they're big bullies, & they were battering the bird feeder to make the seed inside fall to the ground.  Big & stupid is one thing - big & smart is a bad combination.

In Austin, the grackles rule the University of Texas campus.  They are a trouble for the entire city - as this recent article in the city's "newspaper" reports.  They are such a fact of life that the smell of their excrement, their screeches from the trees at sunset & otherwise, & the ever-present danger of being shat upon as you wander across campus, all these things are almost taken for granted.

But in Kentucky?  I suppose I would see them in parking lots, but not in neighborhoods.

Eventually, I had to remove the bird feeder.  Just stepping outside, I could hear their calls, which sound like a sick animal clearing its throat, & they'd be visible at the tops of trees as the leaves were slowly coming back, at the end of winter/beginning of spring.  I imagined they were calling me names, but I know they're resourceful birds who can survive on most everything.  It was, as always, the smaller creatures that suffered.  All these grackles, everywhere, making noise that reminded me a little of home.

Until this past week.  I noticed the grackles had gone.  I put the bird feeder back out.  So far, no big bully-bird to bother the others.  & of course I have even seen a few finches, though of course the sparrows will probably crowd them away.  The sparrows have one thing the grackles don't have - they're awful cute.

I'm not anywhere near an amateur ornithologist, but I wonder: do grackles just come to my neighborhood to breed in early spring?  Do they go somewhere else when their children can fly?  I've asked a couple of people who've lived here a long time, but they didn't know what a grackle was.  Lucky souls!

I just hope it wasn't my bird feeder that brought them here in the first place.

(*) It's also supposed to protect from squirrels, although I've caught very young squirrels leaping into it from tall branches.

Double Double

Seeing double, or double vision, is a condition called diplopia & it can be caused by many things, all of them things I am terrified of &, as a hypochondriac, certain that I now have.  But just because each of the songs on the show today is somehow about something doubled doesn't mean you have diplopia.  It's just me.  I'm the one with the brain tumor & Graves Disease that's causing this double vision double vision.

The show is now available for listening at self help radio dot net.  It's in two parts - you're not seeing one show twofold! - & part one is available here part one is available here while part two is available here part one is available here.  The single list of double songs is below.

(part one)

"Science Fiction Double Feature" Me First & The Gimme Gimmes _Are A Drag_
"Double Trouble" Half Japanese _Greatest Hits_
"Double Up" C. L. Blast _The Complete Stax-Volt Singles 1959-1968_
"Old Double 'E'"The Electric Company _The Electric Company/Original Cast_

"Double Life" The Cars _Candy-O_
"Double Summer" The Chills _Heavenly Pop Hits (The Best Of The Chills)_
"Double Groove (Unfinished Outtake)" Talking Heads _Remain In Light_
"Double Dutch" Malcolm McLaren _Duck Rock_

"Agent Double-0-Soul" Edwin Starr _Beg, Scream, Shout: The Big Ol' Box Of 60's Soul_
"The Double Act" Grow Up _The Best Thing/Without Wings_
"Do The Double Take" Boat _Dress Like Your Idols_
"Do The Double Bump" Rufus Thomas _The Funkiest Man Alive: The Stax Funk Sessions 1967-1975_

(part two)

"Periodically Triple Or Double" Yo La Tengo _Popular Songs_
"Popcorn Double Feature" The Searchers _Ripples, Vol. 2: Dreamtime (British Sunshine Pop)_

"Double Knots" Bitesize _Sophomore Slump_
"Double Dare" Bauhaus _In The Flat Field_
"Double Chocolate Malted" Jonathan Richman _It's Time For Jonathan Richman_
"Double Fisted" Invisible Cities _Watertown_
"School Of Doubletalk" Gary Owens _Put Your Head On My Finger_
"Doubled Up" Heather Nova _Blow_

"Doubleplusgood" Eurthymics _1984 (For The Love Of Big Brother)_
"Double Vegetation" Julian Cope _Peggy Suicide_
"Double Talk" Shoes _Shoes' Best_
"Double Double Dare" Hoyt Axton _Quagmire, Vol. 8_

Whither Seeing Double?

Can I just say that nothing messes with my brain more than watching Game Of Thrones & Mad Men back-to-back.  I love both shows to distraction but for completely different reasons.  I sometimes don't know how I keep my brain in my head.

Anyway, I have to go to bed because I have to wake up again early (that is a terrible bargain in so many ways) to do a radio show.  The theme is "seeing double."  It is not inspired by actual events.  My eyesight grows poor with age, but I've never "seen double."  I've have so much to drink that the room has spun.  But never did the room split in two before me.

But there's still time!

Self Help Radio is on tomorrow morning - mere hours from now - from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington & its nearby satellites.  You can always listen online from anywhere, even a satellite, at wrfl dot fm.  I have been dreadful in the last couple of weeks at putting the show online but I promise I will do it soon after at self help radio dot net.

Now it's time to go to bed.  Now it's time to go to bed.

Hey wait a second.  Hey wait a second.

What's going on? What's going on?

You think this is funny?  You think this is funny?

Ah, screw it.  Ah screw it.

Preface To Seeing Double: Adventures With Foreigner

Foreigner is one of those "classic rock" bands that you cannot escape on modern commercial radio.  & you couldn't escape them back then, either.  When I was a sprog in the late 70s, they were hugely popular.  My brain, thanks to constant exposure to those radio stations, still knows the words to songs like "Feels Like The First Time," "Cold As Ice," "Hot Blooded," &, of course, "Double Vision."

Will anyone request "Double Vision," seeing as how this week's theme is "seeing double"?

The guitarist for Foreigner is named Mick Jones, & he's British, but he's not the same person as my idol Mick Jones of the Clash - but wouldn't it be hilarious if he was & I never knew?  (Mick Jones is apparently the only original member of the band, which still exists.)

That's how little I knew about the band Foreigner - you could have mentioned the names of any of their members over the years & I would have drawn a blank.  But reciting the lyrics to "Hot Blooded"?  Hey, check it & see, I got a fever of a hundred & three, come on baby you can do more than dance!  I just wrote all those out without consulting a lyrics site because my brain has them stored up.  Memories of my childhood shoved away so I could remember mediocre "classic rock" songs.

That being said, I can't say I "hate" Foreigner.  They're probably still making lots of cash from constant airplay & I'm sure there are people my age & older who go to see them in moderately large venues - tonight they're playing a casino in Indiana & earlier they played amphitheaters in Michigan.  But I have never never nerver met anyone who will say anything like "Foreigner were the consummate rock band of the 70's" or "Foreigner changed the rock & roll landscape."  There's not a Foreigner album anyone's ever said I have to listen to.  No one cites Foreigner as an influence - well, no one good, anyway, & certainly not anyone I would be listening to, or that would be making any sort of mark .  There are some seriously overrated bands that people utterly worship who are as successful as Foreigner that otherwise right-thinking people consider to be great.

Having said that, a friend of mine who pretty much only listens to classic rock radio once got mad at me for quoting the lyrics to "Cold As Ice" to her.  She said, "Don't sing Foreigner to me!  They ruined rock & roll!"  I don't think she understood that many of the bands she loved had already destroyed rock & roll at that point - & that Foreigner was something arbitrary she picked out to focus her self-loathing.  The rest of us, of course, allowed ourselves to be rescued by punk rock.

Please don't request "Double Vision" on my show.  I could sing it to you over the phone but I won't play it, especially since the classic rock station further up the dial is probably playing it anyway - hurry!  Or you'll miss the guitar solo!

PS I just discovered that Brave Combo do a cover of "Double Vision" on their record "The Process."  I don't own it so I can't play it.  But I can't imagine it's any good.

In Season

Suddenly it's hot in Kentucky.  & humid.  It reminds me of home.  & being sweaty all the time.  I apologize, Austin.  I realize now I was sweaty all the time.

I live with a woman who watches too many documentaries who doesn't want to turn on the air conditioner despite the fact that it is 80 degrees in the house because (she says) it will kill the planet.  The documentaries tell her that.  & I am the creature with the second-least amount of fur.  Also, my computer emits tremendous amounts of heat.

I know it's nothing like Austin.  Or is it?  Outside it's 79 degrees in Lexington.  It's 81 degrees in Austin.  Thanks Weather Underground!  It's mostly the same temperature where I am & where Austin are.

Except Austin has (I believe this is the scientific term) a shit-ton more vegetarian restaurants.  Most of these seemed to open after I left.  How many?  Have a look at this web site.  If you are a vegetarian or vegan in Lexington, this should make you sad.

I have to go now.  I am going to see how hot it is in our house.  81 degrees!  It's the same temperature in our house as in Austin.  At nine o'clock at night!

Hours Later

I can't remember when I came up with a theme called "hours."  I think I've already done a show about clocks, & then later, a show called "what o'clock is it?" which mentioned specific times (ie, five o'clock).  I don't remember an epiphany, a moment when the ghost of Dead Pop Star came to me & said, "This would be a great idea for a show."  It wasn't such a great theme, after all.  Do you think my cats are fucking with me?

In any event, here's the show in all its glory.  To be fair, I read some neat information from The Discoverers by Daniel J Boorstin, which is a cool book.  The songs I played are below & the show is where it art to be at Self Help Radio dot Net.  In two parts: part one & part two.

Yes, it's a show about hours in ninety minutes.  Time is more malleable that you ever dreamed.

(part one)

"An Hour Is Sixty Minutes Too Long" Imitation Electric Piano _Trinity Neon_
"A Few Hours After This" The Cure _Join The Dots_

"Blinder By The Hour" The Triffids _Calenture_
"Hours N Hours" Boat People _Chandeliers_
"First Few Desperate Hours" The Mountain Goats _Tallahassee_
"Favourite Hour (Church Studios Version)" Elvis Costello _Brutal Youth_
"After Hours" The Velvet Underground _The Velvet Underground_

"Sweet Tasting Hours" The Go-Betweens _Spring Hill Fair_
"Dead Hour" The Guild League _Speak Up_

(part two)

"Happy Hour" The Housemartins _London 0, Hull 4_
"My Finest Hour" The Sundays _Reading, Writing & Arithmetic_
"My Finest Hour" The Lodger _Life Is Sweet_

"In The Midnight Hour" Wilson Pickett _This Is The Modern World_
"After Hours" A Tribe Called Quest _People's Instinctive Travels & The Paths Of Rhythm_
"Hourglass" Squeeze _Babylon & On_
"Hourglass" Twig _Hourglass 7"_
"Golden Hours" Brian Eno _Another Green World_

"First Hour Of The Day" The Band Of Holy Joy _The Big Ship Sails_
"None But Shining Hours" The Books _Lost & Safe_
"Sleepless Hours" Originals _Las Vegas Grind Vol. 3_
"Amateur Hour" Sparks _Kimono My House_

Whither Hours?

Can I confess something to you?  I thought this would be a more interesting theme than it's turned out to be.  Because there are a LOT OF SONGS having to do with "hours."  Apologies in advance for what might turn out to be a dull show.

Come to think of it, I should always preface my shows that way.

It will be a show about hours that only lasts ninety minutes & it will air tomorrow morning (Monday the 21st) on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington.  You can listen live online at wrfl dot fm.  You can live recorded later at self help radio dot net.  You can try to travel into space faster than light, catch up to the stray radio waves, & listen to it as you return to Earth.  It's up to you!

Preface To Hours: Finally The Bow & Arrow Show

Gosh, I'm sorry this is so late.  I took a small vacation after my show on Monday & then had too much to do when I got back.  You didn't notice of course, but I still feel bad about it.  If I had a bow & an arrow, I'd let you shoot a radio off my head.  Or try to, at least.

Suffice it to say, I've learned my lesson: I should go on vacations more often!

The show was split in two by all the arrows shot at it.  You can find the two parts at the Self Help Radio website or you can download them directly.  Part one is right here & part one is right here.  I am tempted to make arrows to point the way like this ->>-----|>

& so I did!  The songs played on both halves are listed below.

(part one)

"Arrows & Baloons" Robert Pollard _Moses On A Snail_
"Cupid's Bow" Rodney Allen _Take The Subway To Your Suburb_
"Quiver (Arrows In My)" Bow Wow Wow _When The Going Gets Tough The Tough Get Going_

"William Tell Overture" Sounds Incorporated _Hazy Memories Vol. 2_
"Arrow In A Bow" The Go-Betweens _Send Me A Lullaby_
"Arrow Of Love" Six Teens _A Casual Look: The Flip Recordings_
"Fallen Arrow" Ida _Ten Small Paces_
"Arrow" Jeffrey Lewis with Jack Lewis & Anders Griffin _It's The Ones Who've Cracked That The Light Shines Through_
"The Flint Arrowhead" Johnny Cash _From Sea To Shining Sea_

"Broken Arrow" Neil Young _Neil Young Archives, Vol. 1: 1963-1972_
"Broken Arrows" Jose Gonzalez _Veneer_
"Broken Arrow" Chuck Berry _Johnny B. Goode/His Complete '50s Chess Recordings_

(part two)

"Days Of The Broken Arrows" The Idle Race _Nuggets II: Original Artyfacts From The British Empire & Beyond, Vol. 3_
"Slings & Arrows" The Wooly Ones _Scarey Business_

"Robin Hood" John Strachan _Songs From Aberdeenshire_
"Robin Hood" Dick James _Hello Children Everywhere_
"Little Arrows" Leapy Lee _Little Arrows_
"Me & My Arrow" Harry Nilsson _The Point!_
"Blue Arrows" Mick Harvey _Two Of Diamonds_
"Love Is An Arrow" Aberfeldy _Young Forever_
"Arrows" Mitch Hedberg _Mitch All Together_
"Zen Archer" Todd Rundgren _A Wizard, A True Star_

"Poison Arrow" ABC _Lexicon Of Love_
"Poison Arrow" Sonic Youth _The Eternal_
"Love Is Swift Arrows" Be Bop Deluxe _Axe Victim_

Still No "Bows & Arrows" Show Online

It's true, I didn't get around to it today.  Well, actually, I did get around to doing some of it, but I won't be able to get the show up by the end of the day.  Not that ANYONE REALLY GIVES A SHIT.  I have long gotten used to the fact that I mainly write this blog for me, not for any imaginary "listener" - & since I don't much care for what I write, I can only speculate on how the average person, stumbling onto this, might roll their eyes & try to find something else online, perhaps about a nipple slip.  Or a super-hero movie.

I will put the show up tomorrow.  I have just been hella busy.  Also hella lazy.  But in a busy way.  I had to watch white people play jazz in Lexington tonight.  Not all white people.  Mainly white people.  It was thunderously dull.  I am not someone who gets bored often.  But halfway through I thought seriously of maybe taking a nap.  Falling asleep on the older gentleman to my right.

The audience was mainly old people, & they enjoyed it.  The stumpy & obese "conductor" (he also played an instrument) (but looked like a cross between Penn Jillette & James Lipton), he got redder as he went on, & I worried he might stroke out at any minute.  Thank god for intermission!  Also, smokers.  We were able to sneak away, the wife & I, through the smokers, pretending we were doing the same.

Anyway.  Show.  Tomorrow.  I swear.  Like you care.

It's On The Way!

You haven't noticed, but I've been gone since Monday so I haven't posted this week's show (which was about bows & arrows).  But I will!  Soon!  Maybe not tonight, but definitely tomorrow.  Or tomorrow night.  Surely no later than Saturday.  Although Sunday is not out of the question.  Time management is not my strong suit.  I set aside time on Mondays, but if I can't put the shows up on Mondays, that task stumbles into another task's time.  Sometimes that task is "lying around eating cold sesame noodles."  Which task do you think wins that contest?

Stay tuned!

Whither Bows & Arrows?

No, it's not because of the Avengers movie, though Hawkeye is surprisingly bad-ass.  Or maybe I should just say Jeremy Renner is bad ass.  Because Hawkeye has always seemed like a low-rent Green Arrow.  & Green Arrow, done right, is really fucking bad ass.  I wonder how Jeremy Renner would look with a little yellow goatee?

This is neither here nor there, but I had a dream in which a friend did something despicable to me & I woke up wanting to unfriend him on the Facebook.

I have spent days finding songs about bows & arrows.  I hope you will spend ninety minutes tomorrow (Monday morning) listening to what I've found.  The show will air from 7:30 to 9:00 am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington.  You can listen in real time online at wrfl dot fm.

Normally I archive my shows the very same day I air them, but I will be taking a short trip up north so the show probably won't be on the Self Help Radio website until later in the week.  I apologize!

But listen tomorrow.  There's a song about an arrow that I shall send straight to your heart.

Preface To Bows & Arrows: Archery & Outdoor Education

If you were a geek or a nerd or woefully out of shape (the conditions were not incompatible) & did not play any team sports (which actually counted as a "class" in my high school - & may still), you were still required to take "physical education."

This was an unhappy experience for me all through my schooling, because I was not only a geek or a nerd but also woefully out of shape (not much has changed, except I am no longer in high school).  Taking "P.E." was a requirement.  In middle school, it was just a class you went to.  But in high school it was something different.

You see, back then, you had to take classes that weren't general but particular.  I believe it was once a year but it may have been once a semester.  There wasn't a generic class where you did whatever activity the "coach" planned for you that day - you chose something you were supposed to spend the semester focusing on.

& there were three - & only three - of those kinds of classes for the geeky & nerdy & woefully out of shape.  One was called "Tennis/Bowling."  The second was "Golf/Bowling."  The third was "Archery/Outdoor Education."

I took the first two.  Due to a particularly weird choice my counselor made for me in ninth grade, I spent a semester as a "trainer" for the football team, which meant I passed my last period of the day in a field house handing towels to sweaty football players.  That would've been a sweet gig, but I was required to go to their games & practices, too, & not only was that completely unappealing, but I didn't have a reliable means of transportation at that age, so I would have to spend a long time walking home from school - we lived kinda far away - & getting home at eight or nine at night.

Anyway, here's a description of both Golf/Bowling & Tennis/Bowling: most of the time, you'd "dress out" (meaning, put on shorts & a tee shirt), do five or so minutes of "stretches" (giving the "coach" the opportunity to yell at you) & then you'd go outside to either play tennis or hit golf balls.  If it was one of the happy bowling days (probably just two weeks of the entire semester) (but a shit-ton of fun!), you kept your clothes on, boarded a bus, & went to a local bowling alley.

But whether it was Golf/Bowling or Tennis/Bowling, there was one constant: on Fridays, you ran.

They made us run (or walk, if you were woefully out of shape) a mile every Friday.  On the little track near the football & baseball fields.  Four times around.  Did the "coach" run?  Of course not.  He stood at the starting line with his whistle & his notepad & yelled at you as you went past.  Most of the time it was just a chance to hang out with friends in the class & take a walk.  But you had to run a little when you were passing the "coach" - less time for him to yell at you.

We had a joke about the classes that we'd tell people who (for whatever reason) wanted to know what you did there.  We'd say, "In Tennis/Bowling, they teach you how to run with a tennis racket & with a bowling ball.  In Golf/Bowling, you also learn how to run with a golf club.  In Archery/Outdoor Education, you learn to run with a bow.  The outdoor education?  They teach you how to run outdoors."

I didn't have to take Archery/Outdoor Education, though, because of being a "trainer."  I have never regretted it until now - I'm going to be doing a radio show about archery & it might have come in handy.

But probably not.

Unsafe Thoughtings

There's a person named Leapy Lee & he still plays music all the time at the age of 72.

I forgot that Katharine Hepburn lived to be 96 years old.

While cooking something yesterday, it occurred to me that aluminum foil hasn't been around for most of human history.

(That could be said for Katharine Hepburn & Leapy Lee, too.)

It's New Intro Time!

About once a year, as I mentioned in a previous post, I make a new intro for my show. I have been doing Monday mornings on WRFL for a year now, & the station, being attached to a college, has "seasons" based on semesters. The summer semester season started this week, & it's been a year since my last intro, so I made a new one.

Do you want to hear it without having to listen to an entire interminable Self Help Radio show? You can listen to the new intro here!

In case you're curious, here are the previous intros. I can't believe I keep making them.  Surely I have better things to do with my time. (*)

You can listen to the 2002 intro here.

You can listen to the 2003 intro here.

You can listen to the 2005 intro here.

You can listen to the 2006 intro here.

You can listen to the 2007 intro here.

You can listen to the 2008 intro here.

You can listen to the 2009 intro here.

You can listen to the 2010 intro here.

You can listen to the 2011 intro here.

(*) Yeah, okay, I don't.

Do The Self Help Radio

Ah, dance crazes.  Who hasn't wanted to start &/or end one?  Today's Self Help Radio examines faddish & novelty dances that existed, that didn't exist, that were sarcastic commentaries on the whole concept of dance crazes, & even some dances that lasted long enough to become mainstream.  & since there was only ninety minutes, I read a bunch of other ones that I decided not to play.  Do you know how many songs about dances there are?  It's insane!

The show is dancing by itself at the Self Help Radio web site.  It's divided into two easy-to-learn steps: step one may involve putting your left foot out, while step two may involve something being shaken all about.  Details of the steps are below.

Thanks for coming to the dance!

(step one)

"Do The Dirt" The Meters _Cabbage Alley_
"Do The Clam" Elvis Presley _Girl Happy_
"Do The Hansa" The Cure _Join The Dots_

"The Twist" Chubby Checker _Twist With Chubby Checker_
"Do The Dog" Syko & The Caribs _Trojan Mod Reggae Box_
"Can Your Monkey Do The Dog" Rufus Thomas _Greatest Hits_
"Can Your Pussy Do The Dog?" The Cramps _A Date With Elvis_
"Land Of A Thousand Dances" Ike & Tina Turner _Get Yer Ya-Ya's Out! The Rolling Stones In Concert_
"I Gotta Do The Latest Dance" Gene Montgomery _Teen Town USA Vol. 5_

"Do The Choo Choo" Archie Bell & The Drells _Tightening It Up: The Best Of Archie Bell & The Drells_
"Tighten Up" Yellow Magic Orchestra _Kyoretsu Na Rhythm_
"Do The Brown Nose" The Dead Milkman _Death Rides A Pale Cow: The Ultimate Collection_

(step two)

"Do The Whirlwind" Architecture In Helsinki _In Case We Die_

"Do The Mashed Potatoes (Pt. 1)" James Brown _Star Time_
"Do The Booga Lou" King Coleman _It's Dance Time!_
"Do The Chop" The King Khan & BBQ Show _Invisible Girl_
"Do The Instant Mash" Joe Jackson _Look Sharp!_
"So, Do The Zonk" Donna Loren _Girls Go Zonk_
"Do The Zombie" The Symbols _Laff Blasts From The Past_
"The Time Warp" Cast _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_

"Do The Strand" Roxy Music _For Your Pleasure_
"Do The Donkey Kong" Buckner & Garcia _Pac-Man Fever_
"Do The Twistaroo" The Twistaroos _Twisted!_

Whither Do The Do?

We took the stray dog to the Humane Society today.  I hope she'll be okay.  We found out she was a she. She was sweet.  No one called the number after we put fliers out.  No one wrote to the Craigslist announcement.  How sad that, apparently, no one wants her.  I hope someone will.

Meanwhile, people continue to dance.  & dance they might during this week's Self Help Radio, which celebrates dance crazes from "The Twist" to "The Time Warp."  Maybe.  Or maybe so.  It's happening tomorrow morning (Monday) on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington.  You can listen to it online.  Or you can wait till later, & listen to it online then.  Either way, you can't escape the newest craze: doing the Self Help.

Unless you don't listen.  You're safe if you're not paying any attention at all.

Preface To Do The Do: I Don't Know Any Dances

I haven't started to do my "research" for my "radio show" yet but I suspect there are a million or so different "dances" that will go beyond what the theme this week covers.  Beyond, you know, "Do The Twist," "Do The Tighten Up," "Do The Dog," etc.  It makes me want to do make songs up for dances that don't really exist: "Do The Ted Danson."  "Do The Colonoscopy."  "Do The Charming Junkie."

But a dog - tagless & friendly - interrupted while we were walking which we brought home & now it's hiding in our backyard.  I've put an ad on Craigslist & I wandered the neighborhood looking for anyone calling out a dog's name, but it's too late to put up flyers - we'll do that tomorrow.  I just think about the poor thing in our backyard!  He is not eating anything.  He's just miserable.

We simply can't adopt another dog, & I'm not sure if he'd be happy here.  But oh my sweet Ed Helms bobble doll, I would hate to have to turn him over to animal control.  Lexington is probably not no-kill.  There's that voice inside you that says, "If you had left him on the street, he might have found his way home."  But you know that might not be true.

If one of our dogs were missing, we'd be waking up the neighborhood.

The saddest dance of all: Do The Lost Dog.

Thinking About Cats Today

Is your cat an outdoor cat or an indoor cat?  & outdoor cat here means "a cat allowed outdoors that spends some time indoors."

There are those who feel obliged to honor their furry companion's genetic programming by letting it outdoors to spray & kill whatever its tiny heart desires.  Should you live in an urban setting, this is practically a guarantee that your "pet" (said with a verbal caveat represented here by quotation marks) will live a truncated lifespan.  Did it or you make that trade-off?

Then there are those who wants to make their kitten's life as safe & happy as possible, & keep the cat indoors, even though it does seem to want to get outside, to chase falling leaves, to explore rustling sounds, to chase bugs & birds.  Such cats will most probably live very long lives - the average cat age is twelve to fifteen years, but some can live as long as twenty.

Here is a list of the things that can happen to an outdoor cat which may severely truncate its lifespan: "traffic accidents, fights with other cats, intentional acts of violence, poisoning (accidental or intentional), diseases caught from other cats, being picked up by animal control & subsequently euthanized if not claimed, & death caused by predators."


It's also worth noting that cats allowed outdoors kill lots of birds.  Lots of them.  Perhaps up to a billion a year.

The cats that populate the Self Help Radio landscape stay indoors.  One of them is too frightened to go outside.  One of them has asthma, & would most probably suffer needlessly, & die horribly, if she strayed & did not get her medicine.  The third is tough black cat who just turned six who'd doubtless be a terrific hunter - but who has a low white blood cell count & would probably succumb to the first infection that came his way.

They are all loved to distraction.  They stay indoors because their presence is required as long as humanly (& felinely) possible.

Are We Meme Yet?

Here's a list of the most popular memes generated by people just like you (& maybe even you!).

If you don't know your meme, there's a handy place to go to find out what it's all about.

For example, you might see an image with a cartoon drawing of genius astrophysicist & science popularizer Neil deGrasse Tyson.  Underneath it is some variation of the phrase "Look out, we got a badass right here."  That's called a rage meme.  Not because anyone is angry - least of all Tyson, who is amused by the whole thing, but because it's a "rage" as in the idiom "all the rage," meaning very popular.

Some people wonder where memes go when they die.  Some people fear the death of memes, so they get tattoos of them.

Luckily for everyone there are many repositories of memes, like this one, & probably dozens more - there's not really enough time to find & list them all - especially since that appears to be the reason Tumblr exists - so you never have to be surprised by a new meme again!

More Indiepop For The Masses

Yes, my exercise in futility continues.  I finished the Gs!  I started the Hs!  There was lots of good music!  But I understand I may be eighty-eight when I get to the letter S.

Hey, I have a freeform show that I do before Self Help Radio (it's called Sugar Substitute) & I hijacked that show so I could cover more indiepop ground.  Therefore the list of songs below is in FOUR parts & covers almost THREE hours of radio.  I hope you enjoy.  Here are the links to the separate parts:

part one I part two I part three I part four

The shows - & maybe all thirty-five previous episodes of the Indiepop A To Z series - are available at the Self Help Radio website.  Look for the indiepop shows on the archive page.

& thanks so much for listening!

(part one)

"Made-Up Lovesong # 43" The Gulliemots _From The Cliffs EP_
"A Brief Encounter" Guther _Sundet_
"For Your Smile" Gypsophile _Just For A Day_

"Funky Little Song" Bruce Haack _Listen Compute Rock Home: The Best Of Dimension 5_
"Our Love Was" Petra Haden _Petra Haden Sings: The Who Sell Out_
"Heaven Help You Now" Paul Haig _The Warp Of Pure Fun_
"The Last Stop" The Haircuts _Sorrow Is The Way To Love_
"Election Day" Hal _Election Day_

"Charmed Life" Half Japanese _Greatest Hits_
"Joy Division Oven Gloves" Half Man Half Biscuit _Achtung Bono_
"Eclipse" Half String _Eclipse * Oval * Hue_

(part two)

"Second City Blues" Halftime Oranges _Rotterdamnation_
"Rich Girl" Hall & Oates _The Essential Collection_

"Virginia Reel Around The Fountain" The Halo Benders _The Rebel's Not In_
"Stay Away For Awhile" The Halo Bit _Stay Away For Awhile 7"_
"Two Stones In My Pocket" Neil Halstead _Sleeping On Roads_
"You Might Not Believe" Handsome Train _This Engine Should Do_
"Another Day" Hang David _Another Day_

"Top Of Morning" The Hang Ups _So We Go_
"Love Is Blue" The Hangman's Beautiful Daughters _Love Is Blue_
"Soho" The Hangovers _Slow Dirty Tears_
"Hurray" Hanky & Panky _Labrador 100_

(part three)

"All These Things" Darren Hanlon _I Will Love You At All_
"Popemobile" Arne Hansen & The Guitarspellers _So Happy I Could Pop (Vol 2)_
"That's What I'm For" The Hanshalf Trio _Woosh! - Little Teddy Recordings 1991-2001_

"Girls FM" Happy Birthday _Happy Birthday_
"Terry" The Happy Birthdays _The Happy Birthdays_
"Another Sunny Day" The Happy Couple _Fools In Love_
"Puritans" The Happy Family _Man On Your Street_
"Under A Song" Happy Losers _Beikoku-Ongaku Magazine # 12_

"Step On" Happy Mondays _Pills 'n' Thrills & Bellyaches_
"Camera Song" Happy Supply _Crucial Cuts_
"Heaven No!" Happydeadmen _Eleven Pop Songs_

(part four)

"The Boy I Was" Harbour Bar _The Sound Of Leamington Spa Vol. 2_
"Orchid Sunrise" The Harbour Pilots _Welcome To The Wetherbeat Scene 1988 - 1991_
"Sleepers" Harbourkings _Summercolts_
"Bastard Son" John Wesley Harding _Here Comes The Groom_

"Wonderful Lie" The Hardy Boys _The Hardy Boys Play Songs From The Lenin & McCarthy Songbook_
"Finland" Hari & Aino _Hari & Aino_
"Make Me Smile (Come Up & See Me)" Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel _The Best Years Of Our Lives_
"Train Not Stopping" Harper Lee _Everything Is Going To Be OK_

"(There Is) No Refrain" Harrison _(There Is) No Refrain 7"_
"Crackerbox Palace" George Harrison _Thirty Three & 1/3_
"Bambi Eyes" Harry Hunks _20 Miles An Hour_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 37?

(& 36 too!)

Tomorrow on both Self Help Radio & the show that I do which comes chronologically before it, which is called Sugar Substitute, I will be continuing the ridiculous indiepop project which I began too long ago to remember & which now stretches into a future that I might not actually make it all the way to.  This will be the 36th (on Sugar Substitute) & 37th (on Self Help Radio) editions of the Indiepop A To Z.  Spoiler alert: we'll finish the Gs!  Spoiling alert: we'll start the Hs!  I am spoiling you.

That's happening tomorrow morning - Monday the 30th - from 6 to 9am on the 88.1 frequency on the fm dial.  You can also listen online at wrfl dot fm.  & of course the show will be archived at self help radio dot net later tomorrow.

& hey!  I think almost all of the Indiepop A To Z collections are available on the Self Help Radio website!  Look through the archive page - you'll see!

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 36 & 37: That Time Of Year Again

Oh god I don't know I am so obsessed with alphabetization.  What is wrong with me?

A person who feels the need to put things like bands they like in such order must have an underlying psychological condition.  By itself it's probably not so bad - but there surely are other issues involved.  Combined with, let's say, a discomfort at disorder or an unease with disorganization.  Do you see?  Everything starts to add up to - oh jeez - a condition.  For fuck's sake, should I be seeking professional help?  Getting myself a bespectacled head shrinker with a cold, stiff divan & telling my life story to someone paid to listen?  How can that be helpful?  I don't mean to discount the profession.  Just, I suppose I fear that the first thing that'll happen is that I'll be asked if I want some medications.  Kind of tempting...  Let's be honest, I've sort of been through this kind of thing before.  My psychological visits twenty years ago were deeply disappointing.  Not that I didn't need them - it's just that things didn't connect between me & the (admittedly poorly paid) analysts I was assigned to.  Oh, I know, people say it's as hard as finding a good doctor, finding a good psychologist, but I had neither the time nor the money.  Perhaps now, since I am older & more financially secure, it would be a different experience.  Questions I ask now would be more pointed.  Reactions might be better understood with greater experience.  Sessions could be processed with a (I can't believe I'm saying this) more mature mind.  Talk therapy, we are always told, is good thing, that it works.  Until it doesn't, unless it doesn't.  Very good, my love of order appears not to exist in my rationalizing mind.  Weaseling my way out of something I've never even committed to!  Xenophobes probably have more fun looking at maps!  You see what I am up against?  Zero probability of mental wellness in the near future!

This Random Dream About The Fall

I don't have a lot of dreams about The Fall even though I play them on virtually ever damn radio show I do these days.  I've seen them live maybe four times (the last time was the most recent famous meltdown, where Mark Smith fired the band after playing perhaps twenty minutes) (which is a thrilling thing for a Fall fan to see!) & the chances of me seeing them live in the near future are nil to none.  (But I might be going to Europe at the end of the year, so perhaps...)

I did dream about them last night.  The situation requires a bit of a backstory.  With recent advances in technology - which is to say, phones that can act as recording devices - it's easy to wander up to a more or less accessible musician & ask him/her/it if they would like to do an Artist ID for the radio station.  I did exactly none of these for KVRX or KOOP - but they weren't considered much of a priority at either station.  At WRFL, though, they got dozens of those things!  Stretching back many moons!  & not just musicians either - my favorite is the late, great Evel Knievel!

I managed to get one last year when I saw Darren Hanlon in Cincinnati & I got one when I saw the Wedding Present in Chicago last month.  But I've missed more than I've gotten - mainly because I forget, since it's not really a priority in my mind.  For example, when I was hanging out with my friends Bearsuit in Austin last year, I could totally have at any time gotten an artist ID.  I was just having too much fun to ask.

Oh, & you can't just beg people to do it through the emails.  They say they will but never do.  Or they just don't write back.  Because it's a little presumptuous!

In the dream I am in some kind of convenience store & I bump into Mark E. Smith, the mastermind of the Fall.  He's much shorter than I am - whether that's true in real life I don't know - & he seems to be a younger version of the very aged malcontent you see these days.  I ramble on about how much I like the Fall & even tell him that I knew I loved them when, like when you learn a language you know you're getting it when you dream in that language, I started to dream in The Fall.  He seems utterly uninterested in this information as well he should be.

A little embarrassed by my fanboy nonsense, I walk away & then think, "Holy crap I could get an artist ID!"  I find my wife - who has the iPhone I'll need to record the spot - & approach Mark Smith, now with his much-younger-than-he-is band, & ask them if that's okay.  They don't seem to mind, so I find some paper to write "WRFL Lexington" on so they can say something like, "Hi this is the Fall you're listening to" etc.

Here's where the dream becomes a typical Gary dream: the wife's iPhone has a lot of programs running that I need to keep closing until I can open the audio recording one.  Of course, an iPhone doesn't work that way, like a computer with screen after screen on a busy desktop, but in the dream it did, & I got upset at the wife  for running so many damn apps simultaneously.

Then, for some reason, I can't seem to write WRFL properly.  I am misspelling the call letters of my radio station!  I am writing with a black sharpie & I it's coming out W R E E or W R E L or some other combination that only vaguely resembles the actual call letters.

When I finally get it right, the band has gathered around Mark Smith & they do the ID.  You know, the folks who might not be in the band for the next record.  While the Fall's one constant sits there & smirks.

It almost made me not want to try to get artist IDs any more.

The Old Civic Servant

Fancies himself a kind of playboy.  Jokes that he gets time off for good behavior.  Isn't entirely convinced the haiku is an art form, let alone a form of poetry.  Was frightened as a child by a sculpture & hasn't visited an art museum since.

Likes to say he "loves hard & loves often."  Listens almost exclusively to radio stations that play music for teenagers.  Admits however that he has a soft spot for the Beatles.  Proceeds to break into his favorite song, which is "Yellow Submarine."

Used to play tennis but now can't seem to find the time.  Has an uncompleted five hundred piece jigsaw puzzle on his dinner table which the cat sleeps on.  Remembers that his father had a thing for Zane Grey.  Tells everyone he'd like to read more.

Hasn't been to the dentist since probably two thousand and two.  Punctuates his sentences with the phrase "I know my stuff."  Likes the spring better than the fall because it gets warmer & green is his favorite color.  Won't let you get a word in edgewise.

Nearly backed into a group of schoolchildren once.  Got lucky because he had been drinking.  Wants you to know that he hardly ever gets behind the wheel if he's had even one drink.  Insists in any event that he can hold his liquor.

May want to show you his scar from the bypass operation.  Has a few funny stories about nurses & morphine if you want to hear them.  Becomes very quiet these days when asked about where he worked & his pension.  Doesn't understand why it was such a bad thing.

Is getting up to go now.  Makes a few well-rehearsed comments about the noises his old bones make.  Seems a little forgetful about the etiquette involved with leaving a new acquaintance.  Decides to give a little wave & says his goodbyes.

Miracle Of Miracles

The only thing more miraculous than a Self Help Radio show about miracles is that Self Help Radio is still on the radio after nearly ten years!  Does this mean I could be a saint?  Will I get my own holiday?  Do they have saint conventions like Star Trek conventions where the beatified gather to answer questions, sign autographed photos (twenty bucks a pop), & perform a couple of sleight-of-hand miracles?  That would be awesome.  I could sell "Self Help Radio: The Unauthorized Hagiography"!

Though of course the word "miracle" technically implies something supernatural, I do sometimes feel that it's a minor miracle that I finish a show every week.  Hey!  I never said it was a good minor miracle!  You can listen to a show about miracles at the Self Help Radio website.  You can listen to the show directly (it's in two parts) (the two parts are detailed below) by clicking the following links: part one & part two.

It will be a miracle if you listen!

(part one)

"Miracles Are Hard To Find" Tullycraft _Old Traditions, New Standards_
"Make Me A Miracle" Jimmie Rodgers _The Best Of Jimmie Rodgers_
"Miracles & Wonders" The Chameleons _Why Call It Anything?_

"It's Gonna Take A Miracle" The Royalettes _Growin' Up Too Fast: The Girl Group Anthology_
"Miracles Will Start To Happen" Jonathan Richman _Jonathan Richman_
"A Miracle" Handful Of Snowdrops _Land Of The Damned_
"Promised You A Miracle" Simple Minds _New Gold Dream (81-82-83-84)_

"You Sexy Thing" Tom Tom Club _Dark Sneak Love Action_
"More Than A Miracle" Garnet Mimms _Cry Baby/Warm & Soulful_
"Miracle Man" Dorothy Black _Sister Funk_

(part two)

"It's A Miracle" Willie Hightower _Willie Hightower_
"I Believe In Miracles" The Ramones _Hey! Ho! Let's Go!: The Anthology_

"Miracle Of Miracles" Eugene Chadbourne _Knitting On The Roof: Modern Interpretations Of The Classic Musical Fiddler On The Roof_
"Miracle Man" Elvis Costello _My Aim Is True_
"If I Could Work Miracles" The Bartlebees _What Is It All About?_
"Face Of Jesus Seen On A Miracle Hippy" Onion Radio News _Onion Radio News_
"The Miracle Of Love" Eurthymics _Revenge_
"I Ain't No Miracle Worker" The Brogues _Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era, Vol. 2_

"Miracles Take Longer" Television Personalities _Yes Darling, But Is It Art?_
"Waiting For The Miracle" Leonard Cohen _The Future_

Whither Miracles?

Do you believe in miracles?  Are you an American?  If so, the chances are very good that you do.  The Pew Forum on religion, in a 2010 survey, found that 80% of Americans believe in miracles.

But what exactly is a miracle?  If you're in a terrible weather situation - as many have been in the last few months, with tornadoes destroying whole swaths of Indiana, Texas, & Kentucky - & you somehow survive the event with little or no damage, is that a "miracle"?  Some people certainly think so.

However, the religious definition of a miracle is an event that is inexplicable with the laws of nature, & is therefore of a supernatural nature & origin, usually through a (mostly Christian) god, but oftentimes through his saints & channelers, such as televangelists, or through supernatural agents, like angels.

But it's not too far a linguistic jump to say that how you survived the tornado above was through prayer to your deity, or through prayer to his saints, or through the invisible actions of his angels, who chose to move the tornado away from you & destroy the lives of someone else.

Some people believe it's a miracle that Self Help Radio has been allowed to be on the radio for almost a decade.  Frankly, Self Help Radio thinks it's just dumb luck.

Listen to Self Help Radio play songs & chat about miracles tomorrow from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington.  You can listen with the miracle of radio or with the miracle of the internets.  Or you can find out about the show too late to listen to it in real time & listen to it thanks to the miracle of online archiving.

If you listen, it will truly be a miracle.