Here's what to expect if you listen to Self Help Radio today: the same old thing. Wait! That's not true! In addition to the regular stuff - many different genres of music expertly mixed together in such a masterfully way you'd never know the guy doing it can't even tie his shoes - as well the lively, witty banter in-between that has been called by the ghost of Dorothy Parker, "A piss-poor attempt at humor that would have been utterly crushed at the Algonquin Round Table" - there are three pieces of music - nay, Art - that were specifically created by people for Self Help Radio.
Since the beginning of the summer, local avant-garde musician, soccer fan & alcoholic CJ Buchanan has been creating sound collage "intros" for my show. Today will be no different. I've never met CJ Buchanan, although he did tell me I once saw him in a police line-up & picked the wrong guy, but word on the street is that he collects sounds the way others gather aluminum cans, & although he hasn't yet found a way to recycle the sounds for money, he does send the audio files to me on recycled mp3s. His "Sugar" intro was accompanied by obvious forgeries from major music magazines calling it, "the best Radiohead record yet," "incontrovertible proof that Elvis is indeed the King" &, mysteriously, "four bassists lost in exploding van/coal fire incident." His official bio, written on the back of a cereal box & left slightly smoking on my doorstep, reminds everyone that, "The world has taken a restraining order out against CJ Buchanan, so everyone must stay 200 yards away from him."
Two first-time contributors to the show will also have songs for you to hear:
Local artists The Licorice Whips are a husband & wife team who distinguish themselves from the growing "married couple pop" field by actually liking each other. Frankly it shocks me every time. In their Playboy centerfold, they list their likes as "Good music, good friends, good grub, cold hands, warm heart." Interestingly, they list their main dislike as, "People on community radio stations who make stuff up about us on their blog." I'm not sure what that might mean. In any event, their song "Sugar Substitute" is one minute, forty-five seconds of delicious confection. I'd floss after you listen. & yes, I mean, floss your brain.
Dallas artists the Ramonalisas also contribute a song, "Raw Sugar Elements," which you will hear today. I've known the lead singer of the Ramonalisas for over three lifetimes now, & it's a wonder her voice hasn't propelled her out of the Metroplex, which is famously tone deaf, & into some other scene - possibly Australia? - where she would get the candy apples & radio station attention she deserves. You can start the revolution by listening today.
If I sound too much like a publicist out to make a buck, that's my fault. I am overwhelmed when talented people contribute to my show & I am completely grateful to them for sharing with KOOP & its listeners. It's just that I've grown up, like the rest of you, learning how to compliment people by listening to superlatives thrown at me by television advertisements. I am trying to fight it. For example, I managed to leave the following adjectives & phrases out of this essay so far: juicy, tempting, healthy, low fat, bouncy, fuel-efficient, gay, straight, bi, worry-free, little purple pill, where's the beef?, Jesus, "if you lived here, you'd be home now," killer, awesome, edgy, claustrophobic, possible side effects include, side-saddle, thick, rich, flavorful, jabbing index finger, real & artificial.
That is indeed a wonder, seeing as how I can recite, word for word, a "My Little Pony" commercial I saw on Saturday Morning Television in the late 70's.
I hope you listen today!
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