Preface To Gin: An Unofficial History Of Drunken Blogs

They say - they say - that gin was invented by Dutch people in the 1600s. Some people have even said it was at around ten in the morning. Smart asses. How could the world have lived for so long without gin? & really - the Dutch? If so, why doesn't gin taste like cheese? (Although, now that I think about it, gin does taste like clogs.)

They say - they again - that Thomas Jefferson invented the blog in 1943. I believe that shit. I believe that I have read email between Lincoln & Douglas. I believe that robots control every major artificial cheese-making facility not owned by Kraft. (I believe Kraft is run by zombies.)

Thomas Jefferson, as has been previously noted by famous liars like the King & the Cartoon Bob Dylan, was a notorious drinker. That guy could guzzle gin like no one before or since. Long after he invented the blog, while he was patiently waiting for the internet to exist so he could touch up his Wikipedia entry with lies about his sexual prowess & the color of his hair, Jefferson would drink lots of gin & write, write, write. Among the most famous things he wrote while completely smashed on gin were blogs entitled: "The Declaration Of Intoxication," "The Tyranny Of The Hangover," "Why Don't I Follow Roadie Rules?", "I Am Democratically Drunk, Motherfucker," & the much-forwarded "John Adams Lives! But His Liver Is Completely Dead!"

Jefferson was a remarkable example to many of his contemporaries, so why didn't blogging catch on for over fifty years? I suspect it had to do with the fact that Jefferson couldn't spell to save his life while he was drunk. Many of his much-read blog pieces now have been copy-edited, to save him embarrassment. But it took the Lush Writings Of Jefferson Project in 2001 to bring his true genius to light. Now sober, Jefferson has disowned much of what he wrote, & continues to insist he's dead despite my beliefs.

Here's your "Song Of The Day", mistrustful ones.

It's by the amazing Josef K from the 1987 collection Young & Stupid. (Interestingly, in 1987 I was in fact young & stupid. I believe Josef K had my number. I still do.) It's the hyperactive song Heaven Sent & it should rock you in a postpunky way. Click on the name to download, & do so before February 27, because then it will go away.

Tomorrow: though it's Valentine's Day, I'll focus on gin. As it should be.