Preface To Bathing: Is It Okay To Shower While Drunk?

The learned professor of smarty-pants stuff, Edmund Noggin, once produced a widely-derided study of the effects of certain drugs (including alcohol & tobacco) in the shower. Some background may be needed: Professor Noggin (or Nogsy, to his prostitutes) felt that he was way too grubby for his own good, & he bathed over six times a day. He was not strictly a shower man; he could & did enjoy a warm bath whenever the moment felt right. He developed over time a permanent wrinkliness to his skin. Mainly people thought he might be a pug. Despite that, he continued to test - mainly on himself - the effects of normal day-to-day experiences while in the bath or shower. The results were not really all that exciting, but it made him happy. His articles were never published in American scientific journals, but later it was discovered that many of them were translated poorly & ended up in Communist Party Newsletters in small towns of the former USSR satellites of Latvia & Lithuania.

Here are some excerpts from his report on drugs in the shower:

Alcohol: Need to remember not to sip directly under the shower head... Easy to slip & fall & break glass. Easy to get confused & accidentally eat soap.... Re: gin & tap water - my god, does gin go with everything?... If you pass out in the shower, most likely the cold water after the hot water runs out will wake you... Delicious.

Ecstasy: Oh sweet mother of god. Oh gracious universe. Oh this feels amazing. Why should I ever leave? Why won't anyone ever just love me like this water is loving every part of my body right now? I need to find someone to shower with me!

Marijuana: Got hungry, skipped the shower, fell asleep in front of the television.

LSD: Water is made of light. They lie, those scientists (I can't believe I once thought of myself as a scientist!) when they said light's speed is constant. Can't you see, water is light, wrapping itself around you, dripping off you. It takes the unclean parts of you when it leaves, so I am watching my bad parts slowly get sucked down the drain while I am replaced entirely with light. This world has poisoned me, there is so much of myself to replace with slow, solid, nourishing light!

Tobacco: It's fucking hard to keep this lit. Next time maybe I'll try a pipe.

Speed: I've never been so clean. I cleaned between my toes. I cleaned between my hairs. I think I also cleaned the shower. & the bathroom. & wrote this report. & typed it. & sent it out.