Professional Confessional

Carlton Wind, of Megasticks, Nebraska, writes: "I once fed the largest hamster known to woman (indeed, only a man had seen a larger hamster, & that man, alas, was not myself) the world's stickiest head of lettuce (verified by committee) & wrote the best narrative on the experience I had currently available."

Rita Mylar, of Curt, Delaware, responds: "Happy indeed is the (non-existent) soul whose piece of (intangible) mind is made (virtually) whole by kind & good (insufferable) works within the confines of (metaphysical) beauty!"

Dr. Emily Ouch, of Reeling, Nevada, commented later: "You may imagine that the sum is equal to the sum of its parts, but that is a common misconception by the layperson in regards to both diagnoses & treatment of what we in the business call 'the sum of its parts.' It's now well understood that some of its parts are in fact not really factored into the sum of its parts. We find that sumptious."

Children's entertainer Chet "Fluffy The Moose" Spurt weighed in on the editorial page of the Bongos, Alabama, Bingo Quarterly: "As superfluous as the destruction of a single species - a single species of a thousand thousand members we may want to remind ourselves! - may appear in the annals of the cosmos - a work that spans a billion billion volumes we may say as we try to find a book in this library! - as one of those such species who may yet die - who may find themselves as merely one of a trillion trillion trillion footnotes in but a single book in that momentous library we must be aware! - truly even so it should bum us out."

Famed newscaster & javelin catcher Horace Tilde of Woetown, Kansas, mentioned: "Old bumps, sit ye not on mine forehead, though thy crusty way be but crust in my way. Old folds of skin, lay ye not on mine flabby buttocks, but set ye gently, so I my yet rest comfortably on my piles. Old nasty thoughts, come ye not when my mind is most intoxicated, but approach ye calmly, bearing gifts of pornography written, photograped & filmed, so I may see thee when I may most need thee. Yay, verily."

But it's Grant Cheesecutter of Wormwood, Texas, who made it most clear: "I don't give two whooping cranes if you can't get your ass motivated to listen to Self Help Radio on 91.7 fm KOOP this afternoon. I don't give a flying fleidermaus whether you listen to it online at koop.org from 4:30 to 6pm central United States time. Truly, I couldn't give more than half a shipwrecked shogun. I'll do it with you, I'll do without you. God you make me puke."