Preface To Blossoms & Blooms: Let's Talk About The Weather

What is the nooz telling us about Austin's weather?

Monday the 4th of August was the 42nd day of triple-digit heat so far in this Austin summer, with readings of 100-105 degrees all over, from the Hill County to counties east of I-35. Self Help Radio's own Self Help Gary has reported that it's well over one hundred degrees in his pants, with possibly higher temperatures in his car, where neglected bottles of soda have been known to bend, fold & weep.

Monday's high matched the number of over 100 degree days Austin experienced in 2000, but was like a crying little girl compared to 1925 with 69 plus-100 days & 1923 with 66 (in the days before air conditioning!). But of course Austinites weren't coddled whiney-butts then. They weren't afraid of a little goddamn sweat. For 69 days. Also, they died of cholera & influenza all the time. When they weren't lynching people a little darker in skin tone than them.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. The National Weather Service, that august bureaucratic body, notes that Austin averages eleven triple-digit days a year, but everyone has already forgotten that it rained all last summer so that totally brought the average down. It's always really hot in Austin in the summer. That's all.

As I came out to go to work today, I noticed it wasn't as hot. Why is that? Motherfucking tropical storm Edouard, that's why! We're going to get some rain! Hot damn! Just remember, gentle reader: "Turn around, don't drown." & peep these awesome flood facts:

BANG! Six inches of water will reach the bottom of most passenger cars, causing loss of control & possible stalling.
CRASH! Twelve inches of water will float many cars. So size does matter.
SPLASH! Two feet of rushing water will carry off pick up trucks, SUVs & many other vehicles. & surely it will serve them right! Gas-guzzlers!
SWOOSH! Cars can become death traps because electric windows & door locks can short out when water reaches them, trapping occupants inside. Of course, if they're death traps, they'll also trap death inside. Which is bad news for the occupants.
CLANG! More Texans die in floods than any other severe weather event. When we have weather, it freaks us out.
& finally:
KA-BOOM! Most flooding deaths can be avoided if drivers turn around instead of driving into water across a road.

I am about to encourage that people who want to go out in the rain to follow instead my own advice, which is, when the weather's bad, dance! That's right: "Get down, don't drown!" Because we're all in the fourth grade in we can't remember anything unless it rhymes.

Wash us all away Edouard! It's too frickin' hot here! & it's been too long since I've seen any blossoms & blooms!