Vulgar Boysenberry

It had taken him forty-three minutes just to say something slightly clever to her; now that he had her attention, & she stared with her deep green eyes in his blinking peepers, what was he going to say?

Perhaps this describes you, or someone or other you know. Not likely do the members of a species like ours, which is described by our cats & dogs as "here come those primates again," easily swing through the trees of life like we owned the place. No, indeed, it behooves us & becomes important if not commonplace to have what many if not most would call a plan of action. Here then is a threshold parallelogram which we daresay may one day serve as a simulacrum of the course to steer to free you of the filthy waters & harsh desert nights of rejection & abjection. You may even consider this, due to the serious nature of our newly-crapped-out decade, first in a series:

1) Cards & letters are all but useless in moments of sheer decision. Learn adorable ways to hem & haw.
2) Do not rush romance unless you can afford generous quantities of moderately-priced & delicious alcohol.
3) If the partner says a tattoo is not necessary, this is an easy "out" & not as many presidents have told us in their State Of The Union messages a "dare."
4) Bleached teeth frighten thieves.
5) No one really carries around their money in bags with dollar signs painted in green on the side. Really? Really.
6) Hand holding may be a lost art, but do not imagine that foot-whipping nor thigh-tickling share the same room in the Mansion of Glorious Petting. They do not. They live in the Creepy Third-Floor Apartment Of Sado-Masochistic Awkwardness.
7) Let's return once again to the societal glad-handling called the "gentle reminder."
8) Love poetry? More like love pottery!
9) Tears should not be accompanied by either screaming or clawing. If you find it such, you also have an explanation as to why the local constable is asking you to put your hands behind your back.
10) Something about an omelet is both nasty & ridiculous. Be careful.

There is much more, including illustrated guides detailing pugilism in the Mid-Atlantic States, but all this talk about washing our socks demands a swift response in a neighborhood forum. Memorize the pertinent parts & conceal the rest from your parents & high school art teacher. & wait, please, for a sober knock on the door, which is the return, & the doom which shall consume you.