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Saturday, August 13, 2011

Preface To Confusion: Humid Pub Diagram

Humid Pub Diagram is a natural science presentation prepared by the children of P.S. 4 To The 8th Power from downtown You-Know-Where. While we the undersigned understand that children should not be allowed in any drinking establishment, we did make sure they had no fake IDs and shook each other's hands for a job well done.

Most of the children, it should be noted, had no concept of "death" & only a limited concept of "forever." This is why the choice of magic markers is so important to today's "education" crowd. But the children got lost in the sad, milling crowd of laid-off teachers and we feared for their - & our - safety.

There were too many butterflies & not enough nets, which (it turns out) suited the butterflies fine. Most of the children has enough sense not to stick the fluttering insects in their mouths. Oh, but not Charles! Charles was exhibiting the same traits that serial killers do in television shows. Oh that Charles!

The judges were on loan from different organizations - half from the Miss Sarasota Beauty Pageant, half from the National Science Foundation. While they found the children adorable, it is not hyperbole to say that their poster presentations were shabby, amateurish, and often utterly illegible. Two judges quit in protest!

As the survey ceased & the parents were released from lock-up, two patterns quickly emerged. The first suggested that alcoholic children managed to be only slightly more delightful than alcoholic adults. The second showed with some certainty that humid pubs are never desirable, not even in the driest of climates.

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