There was a time when I preferred the darkness. I hated mornings - school happened in the mornings! But when the lights went out, with everyone else asleep, I could read what I wanted to, & listen to the radio, & watch old movies on the television - darkness was a kind of loneliness that I retreated into when I was young.
& it lasted into my college years. In fact, I was stunned I could schedule my own classes so I didn't have to wake up in the morning. I worked the night shift - 11pm to 7am - at convenience stores in both Garland & Austin for a time. I liked to stay awake nights, when it was dark.
Then something changed. I had my heart almost totally broken, betrayed by people closest to me. Darkness became terrifying, especially since I couldn't sleep. I came to crave sunlight. As soon as I could, I'd be outside in the sunlight, sometimes sitting for hours under a tree just glad it was bright.
Though I have reclaimed some of my love of darkness - I love to do radio in the middle of the night, & have since the very beginning - I still feel so happy when there's sun. & not necessarily the punishing sun of Texas - today was a lovely day in Portland, it's been quite rainy, there's something about the contrast that makes the sunny days that much more special.
A part of me wonders if the devastated me of thirty years ago would appreciate a radio show about darkness. I think mainly the devastated me of thirty years ago would be surprised I was still here. & then he might say, "& I have a radio show?"
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