Fatkies

(image from here)

Today I've been reading about junk food because next Thursday, July 21, is National Junk Food Day, & that'll be what I talk about on the Dickenbock Report, the other show I do here in town.  While looking at the Wikipedia page for junk food (linked under the image), I barely glanced at said image, thinking it was just a vending machine, albeit a fancy one.  Nope!  It's a poster designed to dissuade junk food consumers from consuming junk food.  Plus!  It was at Camp Pendleton, so it's designed for adults, not children.

Upon noticing, & clicking to enlarge, I studied the different options & ignored the "facts" printed next to them.  Here are the products: Choco-Fato Nut Bar, Sugar Explosions, Sugar Cake Fatkies, Milk Chocolate O & O's, Chocolate Chip Multi-Fat Yummies, Extra Fatty Donuts, Freddy's Fat Pies, Liquid Sugar, Calorie Smack, & Salty Calorie Sticks.

Whoever designed the poster must have thought these were truly damning names for products that would scare off the average consumer.  But that person has obviously never seen cheaper versions of famous products, which often have names not far removed from "Salty Calorie Sticks."  But even more than that - are you saying you wouldn't stuff your mouth with something as delicious sounding as Sugar Cake Fatkies?  Holy shit that sounds amazing!

What I'm saying is that the folks attempting to get the Marines at Camp Pendleton to eat healthier (the fatkies that they are) really pulled their punches here.  I feel like there were trading cards making fun of junk food from the 1960s which would've been better templates.  Were there really such trading cards?  Let me look. Yes, I am thinking of Wacky Packages.

Someone at Camp Pendleton - probably on some General's staff - whose job it was to okay the above poster - although now that I think about it, it was probably someone from the Department Of Defense & almost certainly not in the armed forces at all - they should've said to the designer, "Talk to the those folks that make Wacky Packages.  After all, you're either deliberately or subconsciously copying them.  Give them the assignment & tell them to make the junk food extra evil."

& that person would show them, as an example, this one:

While I'd certainly love some Extra Fatty Donuts washed down with Liquid Sugar, I would absolutely not love Mud-Filled Hostage Cupcakes.  That sounds terrible!  & the next time I looked at Hostess Cupcakes, I might think, "Maybe those are filled with mud too!"

In fact, I have a memory of being young & seeing the Wacky Packages cards before I saw the actual product it was making fun of, & being confused my mother might buy such an awful thing.  For example, this famous one:

As far as I can remember, my mother never drank "Chock Full Of Nuts" coffee, & so when it appeared in our house, I thought there were actual nuts & bolts in it.  I remember really wanting to check.  I hated the idea of my mother drinking metal objects.

Anyway, I hope the next time the Marines want to help their famously obese troops slim down, maybe they'll find this modest post & turn to the experts to help them: the people who make Wacky Packages - which are apparently still a thing!  Here's a recent one:

Terrifying.  By the way, you can find all these & more at this link.  I have officially spent too much time there tonight.