Preface To Infinity: Nightmares

(image from here)

There's something called apeirophobia - which sounds like a fear of the thing you use to get to your boat on a lake or river or sea or whatever - but which is actually the fear of infinity.  We'll talk on the show tomorrow with someone who experiences this but I've been thinking about whether I have felt such a fear, & it reminded me of common nightmares I had as a child.

To understand the first one, it must be said I was very close to my mother until my teenage years.  Like all mothers I suppose she managed to instill in me a trust & loyalty that was seemingly permanent - until I started paying attention to her.  Once I started to recognize her many faults, I didn't feel as close to her - & certainly stopped trusting her or feeling a loyalty to her.  For a long time I thought that was a natural thing, but my brothers never stopped feeling that way toward her, so I guess my disillusionment with her was unusual in our family.

Anyway, before my teen years, a common nightmare would be that she & I would be sitting together & then the earth would move & she would somehow begin separating from me.  She seemed utterly oblivious but I was horrified, & I tried to go to her but the distance between us became a chasm.  In addition, it seemed as though that distance was exponential - I wouldn't have understood that as a child - but the more I tried to get to her, the more it seemed like she'd get farther away, the distance doubling with every attempt.  I would wake up from such dreams crying, horrified, feeling abandoned & alone.

My insecurities wouldn't let me abandon such horror even after I probably wouldn't have been so upset to have my mother wrenched from me.  So the dream changed in my teenage years to me being alone & suddenly realizing how vast the universe is.  In this iteration of my dream the distance between me & everything else seem to increase exponentially.  & it was for me mathematical - I could feel the distance growing as if squared again & again.  & it made me feel inconsequential, helpless, & utterly alone.  I would wake from such dreams in a cold sweat, absolutely terrified & unable to shake that feeling for a long time afterwards

Luckily as I got older this dream faded away - not because I felt any more secure, or because I found someone who made helped my insecurity & loneliness, but because I became more comfortable with those feelings.  They felt lived-in by my mid-1920s.  I haven't had that sort of dream in probably decades.

Was it a fear of infinity?  Do I still have a remnant of that in me?  & if I do, will a show about infinity help or help?  I don't know!