9 Shows To Go!

It's not fair it's not fair! The year gets an extra day but I don't get an extra show! Why me Lord why me?! I finally understand the blues!

All right, sport. Chin up. Back straight. Knees slightly bent. Don't be a mewler, be a man! You know you have to go. You know that you'll be leaving the city some call "Austin" soon enough, & you know it would be unfair to simply do your show until the day you leave. It'd be selfish! & real men are not selfish. Well, except in bed. But you are not in bed! You are leaving a fine community radio station with dignity. Do not embarrass us.

I'll try to be strong, I will. But I am so very lonesome & sad right now. Nine shows! That's as many stories as in JD Salinger's Nine Stories! That's as many lives as a cat has! That's as many nines as were naughty when we learned about naughty number nine! That's many holes as half the holes at a miniature golf course or even the number of holes at a really small strip-mall enclosed miniature golf course where once I had drunk an entire pint of Everclear in an orange slushie & I tried to steal a kiss from JF but she swing the little plastic club & hit my elbow & the nachos went everywhere! Nine is not a good number! I am very worried about the number nine!

No. I must be strong. Think about Batman. Batman would want to vanquish a set number of villains before he retired, or, since I'm not really stopping the making of the radio shows, I'm just leaving KOOP, let's assume Batman is moving from Gotham City to, say, Metropolis, just to fuck with Superman. Surely Batman would have a set number of baddies - say, nine - he'd like to make sure were all tucked away in Arkham Asylum before he split, right? & don't I share a lot of qualities with the Batman? We're both OCD!

Yea! As the clock ticks down, you can listen to the first of the last nine Self Help Radios today, on the air at the 91.7 fm frequency, live at 4:30pm, & on the computer net at koop.org. I'll archive it later if you're way too depressed to listen.

I'm a mewler!

PS: Didn't think I could name nine Batman foes? Ha! 9. Killer Croc; 8. Riddler; 7. Clayface; 6. Penguin; 5. Scarecrow; 4. Mister Freeze; 3. Two-Face; 2. R'as Al-Ghul; 1. Joker. Wanna know how I did? Maybe there's a list of Batman enemies online?

What's So Damned Funny?

Oh, nothing really. Yesterday I subbed KOOP's novelty/comedy show, which is called "Dr. Debra's Gone Mad!" & played some silly songs & stand-up, including music by the likes of the Dead Milkmen & Tiny Tim, & stand-up by Louis CK & Michael Ian Black. Plus! Extra! Songs about cats! & a version of a Paul McCartney song you can actually stand to listen to!

You can experience the whole show in the regular place: selfhelpradio.net.

Here are two anecdotes about the show yesterday which weren't broadcast (since they happened in the studio while I was playing music).

Anecdote the first:
The Entercom studio which the corporation has graciously let us use of course still belongs to them, & a tech fellow was around taking inventory, which he ominously said was "for when you guys are done." Eep! Anyway, he brought in what appeared to be his boss around the time I was playing the Tiny Tim song. The dude, who looked a lot like Mike Farrell & was carrying a coffee cup in the way Dave Foley's character always did on News Radio, said, "Is that Tiny Tim?" I said it was. He said, "Amazing! & it's not even his hit!" As he was leaving, he said to me, "I bet you're the only person in America playing Tiny Tim on the radio right now." For some reason, I just thought, "That's what KOOP's all about."

Anecdote the second:
The last song I played was the Mike Flowers Pops's version of "1999" & a very square middle-aged guest of the next show (a news & public affairs show called "A Neighborly Conversation") said, "Who's doing this horrible version of that Prince song?" When I told her I thought the cover was better than the original, she looked at me like I had told her that her kids were stinky. Which made me think, "Isn't it odd that this person who's on KOOP doesn't appear to listen to KOOP?"

Anecdote the synthesis:
I think I kinda liked the fact that the corporate executive was both more hip & had a greater sense of humor than the grassroots community activist.

Whither The Leap Day Show?

Because it's happening on February 29.

Now that that's out of the way, I'll take a moment to answer some of the other questions you've been asking me, either by email or in my dreams. Dead people who listen to Self Help Radio & who haunt me will NOT get their questions asked, as they are usually inane & generally a waste of everyone's time. Dead people ask the dumbest motherfucking questions.

I am NOT a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman. I don't know how that rumor got started but I am pretty sure I was drunk at the time.

There are many reasons to leave an organization like KOOP, but among those reason, I am not leaving because I got KOOP pregnant. KOOP & I are close, but we are just friends. Sheesh. I know KOOP is kind of homely, but surely a radio station like that can do better than ME. Plus, how do you know KOOP is pregnant? Who told you?

Thank you for your cards & letters, but I am not sick with Lou Ferrigno's disease. There really isn't any such thing as Lou Ferrigno's disease. Who would name a disease after Lou Ferrigno? Wouldn't a disease like that just make you awesome?

I thank both Z & S (whose names do not begin with those initials) for their requests for upcoming themes. I like that you want me to do shows about things like "battered spouse syndrome," "kitty box odors" & "songs that rhyme the word 'serrated'," but I probably won't get to them any time soon. Also, I think you should perhaps seek mental help.

Thanks all for now. See you Friday. We'll be leaping.

Preface To The Leap Day Show: What Can We Do On Our Extra Day?

Oh goodie! Science in its infinite wisdom has given us a whole extra day this year! I've looked everywhere to see if there's a catch, but nope: it's free! They're giving it to us for free!

I haven't checked yet to see if this day is actually subtracted from the days that are normally alloted to us by the Fates, but I'm guessing it's not, since it's also tax-deductible. (I think.) Since they've decided to place the day on a Friday, & since no one has to work on any extra day added to a calendar (that's a rule), it's also like you get a three-day weekend!

I have to do my show, since it's a Friday & since my KOOP shows are dwindling, but except for that ninety-minute period, you should totally do whatever you want. I mean, wow! An extra day! Science in its infinite wisdom hasn't done anything that cool since eliminating days in the Dark Ages by switching from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian calendar. People in those times (except the Russians, who, as usual, got completely fucked over by the Tsar) were so damned grateful that two more weeks of suffering, disease, hopelessness & misery were taken off their lives they agreed not to fuck with the Catholic Church until around the end of the 17th Century. & you know what? Peasants living in squalor keep their promises!

Another thing I'm almost completely certain about is this: since it's an extra day, it'll exist outside the bounds of the normal workings of the space-time continuum. & you know what that means: Klingons! Fuck yeah! Not only that, but the laws of science won't apply, & if the laws of motherfucking science don't apply, neither will the paltry human-made laws of our civilization. You can do whatever you want - just remember it resets at 12:01 on Saturday morning. & nothing will turn into a pumpkin, so pay attention to what you're doing!

I officially say to you have a happy extra day! I hope you'll have fun & do something crazy - but I have a bad feeling that you, like me, will sleep in, order a pizza, listen to the radio, rent something you have already seen but have forgotten about (& you'll say "fuck it" & watch it again), & fall asleep with your hand clutched around a bottle of cheap booze.

Oh leap day! Why must science in its infinite wisdom mock us so?

Why Do You Say Nothing About My New Socks?

For weeks you have been carping & complaining & otherwise making me feel like a pauper or a homeless person by telling me how frayed & grubby my socks are. Now that I have gone out - at great expense to my self-esteem - & gotten a new pair, you have said NOTHING. You have not even noticed them! What's the point of being such a dick & making me feel so bad if you aren't even going to notice when I make the CHANGE that you want me to make?

At this point I should make sure you know that I now have more than one pair of socks. I will add that I don't have more than two COMPLETE pairs of socks, but since you've begun ignoring my socks, I may return to my admittedly lazy habit of wearing mismatched pairs. I would like to certainly be able to explain where exactily my socks' partners have ended up, but I really don't know. There was an entire episode of CSI: Pflugerville about this, although it won't air until after the people who wrote it are allowed to write again after scabbing during the writers' strike.

I'm sick of talking about socks now. I'm going to go listen to my radio show, which is called Self Help Radio. Last Friday's show, which was not about socks (sadly) but instead was about guessing (radly) is up over at the Self Help Radio website. So even though I was there, I feel like I missed it, & if you feel that way, too, you should go listen to it.

I warn you, though. I did that show in my old socks.

10 Shows To Go!

Ten things to expect from the last ten episodes of Self Help Radio on KOOP:

1) More nudity.
2) Security has increased, so there will be fewer folks wandering into the studio, staring intently at Gary, & then breaking into a rage & just hitting him, hitting him, hitting him.
3) For guests, we've added a new fruit to the fruit basket: kiwi!
4) Gary has recently begun dealing with his crippling halitosis problem, so it should be easier to listen to Self Help Radio close up.
5) That thing where there's some sort of theme, & then there's a lot of music played vaguely, often tenuously, based on the theme? Yeah, that's not going to change. Sorry.
6) An extra laugh will be added to each episode. If you can't find your extra laugh, please talk to your radio provider.
7) It's dissertation season, so (as usual) there are dozens of academic treatises written about Self Help Radio & the damage it does not only to individual psyches, but also to the fabric of the space-time continuum. For the first time, at least half of those dissertations will be written in Chinese!
8) Annoying child character introduced in last season to be written out of the show entirely.
9) Up to 43% more discomfort per half hour.
10) The role of Gary to be played in the last three episodes by Corey Flintoff.

You don't want to miss the final ten episodes on KOOP! Listen online or listen to it live! Today at 4:30pm Austin time!

Zippo Says

It's very weird that a lot of folks are surprised by my outside volunteer work, like my tremendous support for the International Crusade For Holy Relics. They note that I, for example, own three Shrouds Of Turin, enough pieces of the cross they crucified Jesus on to make a full set of three, seventeen nails for nailing up a savior, & a whole photo album of polaroids that Martha & Mary took the day of the event, but the important thing is I don't disrespect these holy relics by selling them on eBay. That's just tacky.

I also enjoy mentoring kids in the natural sciences, where I often help them with their science experiments. You can guess which have been influenced by me - Crystal Meth: Friend Or Foe is of course one of my upcoming themes.

Oh, & of course, I donate a lot of my time to being high school mascots at sporting events. Have a look at where I get most of my costumes. Awesome.

I like to read short stories online, too. & worry about the destruction of the planet.

Of course, I also spend a great deal of time just getting old, & one of things that happens when you get old is that people you love & admire also get old. & they sometimes die before you. & sometimes you wish you could have a radio show every damn day of the week so you could give them a going-away they really deserve. So I say goodbye to Jim Jones, whose guitar work illuminated some of the best so-called "post punk" (even when it was before punk) in the world, with Pere Ubu. I'll find a way to say goodbye, Jim. I promise.

Whither Guessing?

The two doctors met in the room, one a resident at the hospital, the other a specialist called in for this very case. The patient in the room was on the verge of death.

"Can we treat him?" the first doctor asked.

"I guess," the other said.

"You guess?!" the resident said, exasperated. "Aren't you a world renowned expert on communicable diseases?"

"I guess," the expert said.

"There you go, guessing again!" his companion yelled. "There can be no guessing when it comes to a patient's life! You want this patient to survive, don't you?"

"I guess," the expert repeated.

"What the hell?!" This doctor was clearly terribly angry. "You don't feel strongly enough about your own patient to want to fight for his life?! Have you not heard of the Hippocratic Oath?"

"I guess not," the expert said, staring at the patient & apparently not affected by his companion's temper.

"It doesn't sound like you've even been to college!" the doctor thundered. "You are a fraud, sir! A scoundrel! You are a quack & you should not be allowed to practice medicine in this hospital!"

The other doctor seemed unmoved, oblivious to the other doctor's clenched fists, beads of sweat on his brow, & heavy breathing. After a moment, the resident said, "You will let me talk to you in this way?"

The specialist said, "I guess."

The first doctor threw his hands in the air & stormed out of the room, swearing & waving his arms in a frantic way. After a moment, noticing he was alone, the expert pulled up a chair & sat next to the patient, who was looking miserable indeed.

"Ah, there you are, doctor," a man said, entering the room. He held a folder which he offered to the specialist. "Here's the test results," he said. "It was exactly what you thought it was, which is incredible, since we wouldn't normally have run those tests. I have to ask, though: how did you know that he had such a rare condition?"

"I guessed," the doctor said.

Preface To Guessing: I Guess I'm Doing A Show About Guessing

Famous quotes about guessing:

"A friend should be a master at guessing and keeping still: you must not want to see everything."
- Friedrich Nietzsche, famously mysterious-acting

"The shrewd guess, the fertile hypothesis, the courageous leap to a tentative conclusion - these are the most valuable coin of the thinker at work. But in most schools guessing is heavily penalized & is associated somehow with laziness."
- Jerome S. Bruner, famously penalized for being lazy

"Who can ... guess how much industry & providence & affection we have caught from the pantomime of brutes?"
- Ralph Waldo Emerson, famously not good at sports

"I am sure,
Though you can guess what temperance should be,
You know not what it is."
- William Shakespeare, famously drunk

"When we hew or delve:
After-comers cannot guess the beauty been."
- Gerard Manley Hopkins, famously manly hewer/delver

"The power to guess the unseen from the seen, to trace the implications of things, to judge the whole piece by the pattern, the condition of feeling life in general so completely that you are well on your way to knowing any particular corner of it - this cluster of gifts may almost be said to constitute experience."
- Henry James, famously just guessing at shit

"I never guess. It is a shocking habit—destructive to the logical faculty."
- Sherlock Holmes, famously fictional ( & awesome!)

"Dancing is a wonderful training for girls, it’s the first way you learn to guess what a man is going to do before he does it."
- Christopher Morley, famously predictable

I guess that's enough. For today.

Off Whitening

I love the titles of spam messages. I don't read them, although I feel a little guilty about that. That's someone's livelihood I am disrespecting! Etc.

Here are some titles from today's treasure trove of unsolicited email:

-- Pull of Huge Jackpot
What does that mean? Are they trying to convince me that their online gambling establishment is exerting some kind of force drawing me to them? I just don't feel it.

-- Watch the lust in her eyes when you whip out your 9 inch monster
It sounds like I am about to unleash a devil puppy on a perversely motivated woman who's into bestiality. I know I am something of a prude, but good lord, why would it be attractive to describe your thingie as a "monster"? Aren't monsters supposed to be scary, or, like the Elephant Man, distorted or horrible examples of humans?

-- Small |nstrumment is not a problem.
Oh, wait. Actually, I think this is an email from my girlfriend trying to make me feel better after last night. Not spam at all. Never mind.

- Buy Must Have medications at Canada based pharmacy.
"Canada based"? & why must I have them? Do Canadian pharmacies sell ecstasy? No? Then I am fine. Canadians! Feh!

- Those locker room stares will be for the right reason...
Oh, back to this. Wouldn't the "wrong reason" depend upon one's sexual orientation? Is the right reason mentioned above envy? Really?

- You can listen to last week's Self Help Radio up now at selfhelpradio.net...
I hate these worst of all. God damn radio show people pimping their second-rate non-commercial garbage. Grrrr. & this show is about "butchers"! Why not do what The Retarded Bob Dylan is doing with his show & pick simple subjects like love, hair, rain, & interns? I can abide most spam but the spam I send to myself I just loathe.

I subbed the jazz show Non-Breaking Space yesterday & should also have that show up soonish. Then I'll spam myself again. Because if I don't, who will? Me. That's who.

11 Shows To Go!

Ah, the good eleven. It never gave me any trouble until after nine.

Before anything is signed or notarized in today's self-serving blog entry, can I ask you: will you ever forgive me for forgetting you on Valentine's Day? I didn't give you hearts or candy or syphillis or even a lousy blog entry. It's not that I don't love you, baby. It's just that I am forgetful. I'm like a child, you know, before they learn spatial recognition or some such - I just don't think you exist if I can't see you. Not all the time, of course. Just when you expect something from me.

And. Now. Eleven more shows on KOOP. What can you expect? I promise you the same quality of programming you have come to expect from the Self Help Radio family of programs. I mean, I don't really imagine it could get much worse, could it? If there is a jump in quality (as if), you may attribute it to my desire to make the last programs I do for you on KOOP the best programs in the universe. But you know as well as I do that'll be a fluke.

Hey! Speaking of flukes! If you want to hear me get all jazzy like I did back in December, you can hear me sitting on the show Non-Breaking Space on Sunday at 5pm. Listen in!

& also listen today at 4:30 pm Central Standard Tamale live on the 91.7 fm frequency & on the interwebs at koop.org. A show about butchers by an ardent vegetarian. What could possibly be better?

Whither Butchers?

It is not well-known how the themes get chosen for the Self Help Radio. Since the Self Help Radio is owned by the same mega-corporation which owns the Council on Foreign Relations Gift Shop, Illuminati-Masonry & Sons, & the Church Of Scientology (Reformed), I can't really tell you or I will have broken my non-disclosure agreement & some goons would come along & beat up my bicycle, but I can tell you that I got the order to - er, I mean, I conceived the idea of a show about butchers back in the carefree days of not long ago, when all the men were slightly surreptitious & all the women were harmonizing.

That is a long & confusing way of saying this: I had no idea that my show would coincide with the sad news of the death of the most famous butcher of my generation, Sam the Butcher from The Brady Bunch, whose occupation may have rattled his senses enough for him to be attracted to the disturbingly mannish maid Alice. The actor - who appeared all over the place on the television of my childhood - was named Allan Melvin & he died last month at the young age of 84.

I'm not sure if he alone would be enough to inspire a show. What did inspire the show? What moved me, a vegetarian for over twenty years, to devote ninety precious minutes to an occupation I find abhorrent? The answer may surprise you.

It was 1947, & I was a dashing young Lieutenant in His Majesty's Iraqi Occupation Army. You were the twinkie in your daddy's lunchbox. I had fallen asleep during the fifth siege of Basra that month & I had forgotten that Charlie was thick in the Bush. (Neil Bush, at that time.) Three or four members of the Greatest Generation were playing punkies off the side of the small wading pool &, with the DVD player not working, we used the discs to absent-mindedly chop tobacco & opium left outside by the Dutch Police who had visited the night before. Distracted, I almost met my end by friendly fire from an unfriendly woman who had neither asked nor told in That Man's Army. What saved me? Why did I not die?

A butcher was hacking away at some mystery meat in the shape of Dick Cheney when, due to the way Dick Cheney makes everyone's stomach churn, the butcher suddenly hurled, & his cleaver flew between me & the soldier, deflecting the bullet & making her (for whatever reason) believe that violence was not the answer. I think she decided that breakfast tacos were the answer. & I thank my lucky stars that, that day, I didn't die & I have a butcher to thank. Do you know when that happened? Or rather, when it will happen? That's right. February 15, 2143.

I celebrate that fateful day! Even if I loathe the practice! Now you know! Aren't you a nosy bastard!

Preface To Butchers: Flank Is A Funny Word

Actually, all the butcher-related words are pretty funny. "Meat." It even looks funny. How about "loin"? "Chop"? "Rashers" of "Bacon"? "Rack" of lamb? Just repeat after me: rump, round, brisket, poll, hock, ham, rump, belly & jowl. Har har har! Them's funny motherfucking words!

& everyone - except obese people - think the word "fat" is funny. Not phat, but funny.

Dude, you just ate a rump when you could've had a rack. Har har har!

I also totally love diagrams like this one - especially when they're in weird discotheque colors - which describe the names of the "parts" of the animal (in this case, the cow) that can be eaten. I guess meat-eaters will eat pretty much everything, so diagrams like this are for finicky western eyes only. Bon appetit!

Do you know if someone has done the same thing for humans? Any cannibals out there want to show us something similar? Damn! I wish I had the time to make one. Rats. I spent the day getting yelled at instead of being creative.

Why does a licensed vegetarian like myself want to do a show about butchers? Hey! Ask me tomorrow!

Love Is In The Erred

BOY what a dumbass I am. I conducted what I thought was a sweetly romantic version of KOOP's perennial favorite, the Lounge Show, this past Saturday, but due to user error (meaning ME), I screwed up the recording of it. What a maroon!

However, I have made a CD-length mix of a majority of the songs I played Saturday (no, I didn't recreate my oafish airbreaks) which is available as my Self Help Radio Extra for February. Go! Go young lovers! There is grooviness waiting for your untainted hearts!

But if you're bitter & wounded & frankly hate the whole fucking idea of Valentine's Day, you can listen to my Self Help Radio show about jealousy over at selfhelpradio.net. You can even listen to it without me. Do you think I care?

No, I'm too busy beating myself up about my stupidity.

12 Shows To Go!

What a bummer. Twelve more Self Help Radio shows on KOOP. How should I end my run in three months? I'm plum clean out of idears.

Surely you can tune in today at 4:30 as we start to nibble down the last dozen shows. Mmm, nibble. It's on the air in Austin town on the 91.7 frequency from 4:30 to 6pm, & on the online line at the same time at koop.org. You can listen all the KOOP shows that way, not just mine. Thanks to Thomas Alva Edison.

Speaking of Menlo Park, I'll be subbing the Lounge Show tomorrow morning, too. Self Help Radio will be about jealousy today, but the Lounge Show will be more romantic. It'll be about nibbling. That's not true. It'll be about romance. Because I may have only a broken heart, but I still believe in love. Or eating. Eating crumbly stuff. & love. Mmm, love.

Listen! Listen! Listen!

Laetrile For Fun & Profit

I found out but decided not to mention that I am "subbing" (which is a word we radio types use to describe what happens when a show's regular deejay asks an irregular deejay {c'est moi} to "substitute" deejay while the regular deejay is away) (look, I know you're not a moron, but I am going to add that "subbing" is short for "substituting," & not short for something like "submarine") (I tell you this in case you weren't paying much attention, & also because I just totally got this condescending email from someone I'm working with on a project & he obviously thinks I'm as smart as a half-opened bag of twizzlers & needs to spell out basic English grammar to me) (which isn't, I know, at all fair, since, again, I don't think you're a moron but think you're actually quite bright, if sometimes a little too self-involved to be continually quick on the uptake) (& you know me, I am passive aggressive & I keep this shit to myself - which is a good idea, because if this self-important douche knew what I really fucking thought about his going all special education on me, it would mean more trouble at work) (Jesus, did you really need to make such a big deal about this, because now this is all parenthetical asides to you & not at all information to the general reader of my blog, who is, you know, not nearly as sensitive as you are & is actually quite amused by me in ways you could never be because of the way we have always been competitive about being "clever" & "funny" & "one-upping" each other) (that wasn't intended to be a dig, & what's wrong, anyway, with the sort of friendly competition we have? have you been keeping track? do you imagine that one of us is winning? & if you think that, is the "winner" the one who has a radio show or the one who doesn't?) (oh did I hurt you poor little feelings? you always pull this on Thursdays, when I just want to convey some information on my little radio show blog, you want to make some big production & it's only a little annoying - what? are you just logging ou...








& you came back. what a baby! & me with no parentheses left. Well, let me just say: I am subbing the Lounge Show on Saturday morning. That's the news. That's all. Wanna go get a beer or something?

Whither Jealousy?

Here are what some of the finest minds living today all alone have to say about the subject of this year's Self Help Radio Valentine's Day show, which is "jealousy":

"Jealousy contains more of self-love than of love" - François de La Rochefoucauld. Actually, he's one of the finest minds living today who's been dead for hundreds of years.

"To jealousy, nothing is more frightful than laughter." Francoise Sagan. What? He died in 2004? Hunh.

"Plain women are always jealous of their husbands. Beautiful women never are. They are always so occupied with being jealous of other women's husbands." Oscar Wilde. Also dead. Apparently none of the finest minds living today are alive anymore.

“Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but Jealousy sees the sharpest for it is love and hate at the same time.” I don't really know who said this, but whoever the person is, I'm sure he or she is still alive, therefore one of the finest minds living today.

“Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.” Erica Jong. Who is still fucking alive, ha!

“A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” Robert A. Heinlein. Famous dead pervert & sci-fi writer. Who I think was actually quite jealous of Arthur C Clarke's success. Heinlein, dude! You just called yourself incompetent & needy!

“Jealousy is the tribute mediocrity pays to genius.” Fulton J. Sheen. He's a dead Catholic dude, so was never even a finest mind, but it's a weird quote from a priest. So I like it.

As you can see, the topic is very appropriate to Valentine's Day, when we buy things for people we love or people we want to love or people we're supposed to love because we bought a marriage certificate & also made a "vow" before "God." As we look at the gifts - candies, flowers, hot oil, fruit, gift certificates, noodles, candleabras, hastily-scrawled poems - surely we feel jealousy for those who are lucky enough not to be in a relationship. & jealousy for the Hallmark corporation & the National Association of Florists, who make a killing that day.

Jealousy! It makes the day go round! Or something like that.

Preface To Jealousy: You Listen To OTHER Radio Shows?

I can't believe you. I thought we had something. Something real, between us, just us. I thought you were my listener & I was your deejay. I just thought... Now I guess you've proven me wrong. Now I guess I was just... Just...

Don't you turn this around on me! Of course I made radio shows before we met! I was on the radio, how could I not be making other radio shows? But all the listeners before you - they might have said they were listening - I might even have believed them - might have talked to them on the phone, taken a request once in a while - but it was never serious. They didn't listen every week. They were fickle, flip, inconsistent. They hurt me! You know when we met I was damaged!

But you - you told me you really listened. You said - I remember your exact words - you said, "I listen every week!" Do you remember the first time you tuned in? I knew you were listening. I was nervous, I tripped over my words more than I usually do. & then the phone rang & you called - & you won tickets to something! You weren't even expecting it! It's like fate wanted you to be my listener & me to be your deejay.

I wish I knew where it all went wrong. You can't tell me you're able to appreciate my show if you're listening to other radio shows. I bet you're even listening to online radio shows. I knew it! You're downloading podcasts!?! What sort of listener are you, anyway? Is there a loyal bone in your ear? How can you even tell the shows apart? See, that's where you protest too much! You're not a dedicated listener, you're a dilettante! I can't believe I once dedicated a show to you!

What are the other shows you listen to? You have to tell me! How can I know what I'm up against? How can I know what stole your attention away from me? Why won't you tell me? Of course it matters! God, it turns out you've kept secrets from me this entire time & you're still keeping secrets? Tell me now! Tell me everything! I can handle it!

I can't handle it. Just go. Just go. But. Can you listen Friday? It's a show about jealousy. Please? Please?

How The Mighty Have Been Grown!

As a child, I shunned exclamation points - found them too ostentatious, too obvious, too emotive, ultimately too phony. But not anymore! I think the exclamation point, once in its infancy, has finally grown up! Yes, it's the puberty of the exclamation point & be careful not to get any on you!

How do punctuations age? I hear you ask, & when you ask, you ask perhaps the middle-agest of the punctuations, which is the question mark. The question mark? The question mark.

By the way, many think the oldest of the world's punctuation is the period. The period. The period? No, it isn't! & it isn't our friend the comma, the comma, whose rhythm has echoed ours - the comma is in fact the only one of the punctuations that breathes as we do - or seems to.

No, the oldest of the punctuations is the apostrophe. The apostrophe's been around long because not only have humans been needing to ram words together as long as they've been needing to use words - 'tis no argument, don't insult me, you can't know, I won't have this, y'all - but they've also always been covetous & needed desperately to tell others what belongs to them. So the apostrophe's role is older than the stopping of a declaration.

As for the youngest of them all - those deformed freaks, the colon, the semicolon - well, no one believes they'll ever grow up. Leave them in their cribs.

So let's celebrate the terrible teens of the exclamation point! Let's be ridiculous & gay! For soon enough, the world will be quiet, & excitement will wane, & there will be no more shouts & hurrahs, & we will be energetic no more... But not today! Fuck you, future! I got me an exclamation point!

Hey! Here's something exciting! Last week's show about beatboxing is available now for your listening pleasure! You know you want to! It's really loud! Here's where it is! selfhelpradio.net! See you there!

13 Shows To Go!

Ach! Thirteen shows on KOOP radio left! That means it's roughly three months. I am sad. But I know what can cheer me up! Beatboxing!

One of the great things about Self Help Radio today is that NOT ONLY will you get to hear the great old & new beatboxers (DOug E Fresh to Rahzel), & NOT ONLY will you hear some songs that cleverly incorporate beatboxing, but AS AN ADDED BONUS AT NO COST TO YOU you'll get to hear my visit with MC Beat Daddy, where he teaches me the basics of beatboxing AND THAT'S NOT ALL I'll also be giving away beatboxing CD collections. Wow! Hey! Super! Freaky! Mommy!

So while it's sad for me to wind down my time on KOOP, it's glad for me to be able to have as much fun as I am planning to have for the next three months. Don't miss it! Today at 4:30 pm Texas time, live on the 91.7 frequency, & on the web at koop.org!