Provender

The word of the day is "provender." It's pronounced prov-en-der, with the o in "prov" being short, like saying "prof" (for "professor") with a v instead of an f. The "ender" is two syllables & is pronounced like it rhymes with bender or sender. Provender. Use it at least once today, incorrectly. Might I suggest this sentence? "She's a real provender, man."

It means both the food you give to your livestock or domestic animals, & any supply of food. I seem to remember learning the word while reading "All Quiet On The Western Front," but it could also have been Stephen Crane. Or one of those "Little House On The Prairie" books. There was no real need in my life to use the word, so of course I used it incorrectly. Just to fuck with people. Like you should.

It's an old word, as it should be - those of us who use English are descended from people who kept stores for their livestock. It comes from the French word provende, where we also get "provisions," & that word comes from the Latin praebenda, which meant one's daily allowance of provisions. Its meaning hasn't changed much. It hasn't really had to. It's not really all that exciting a word.

Which makes it a little disappointing, as the Self Help Radio blog only has a "word of the day" on days that begin or end on September 26, 2009. It's in the contract. Might I suggest other "word of the day" sites on the internet? No? All right then.

Introducing... Dickenbock Electronics!

You all know Richard "Dick" Dickenbock, the entrepreneur, the raconteur, the saboteur, the voyeur, the wit, the witless, the eyewitness. It's no secret his many dollars & little sense are the financial backbone of the Self Help Radio media empire. But what many people don't know about him is that, besides being almost certainly fictional, he's a priest. Also, he absolutely adores electronic music. (Electronic religious music, though, not so much.)

That's why the same people who bring you both Self Help Radio & the pop show Sugar Substitute are proud to announce (mainly to Dick Dickenbock) the creation of a third radio show called Dickenbock Electronics, named in honor of (or in spite of) Mr. Dickenbock himself. The show will alternate with Sugar Substitute (since no one wants to give more radio time to yours truly) (& Mr Dickenbock is only supportive enough to buy the name of the show) on Wednesdays at 6am. The first show will be this coming Wednesday, September 30, & then the week after that is Sugar Substitute on Wednesday, October 7, & then the next week - well, you get the idea. It's basically the definition of alternating. Didn't mean to be condescending or anything.

You can certainly contact us in the usual manner (writing here or here, for example, or writing something on a stone & throwing it through the office window) if you have suggestions, requests, threats, subpoenas, recovered memories, etc., although every idea (sigh) will need to be pre-approved by Mr. Dickenbock. I'm sure you understand. The dude has serious cash. & not-so-serious cash, which he calls "funny money."

Aren't you excited? This Wednesday, the premiere of Dickenbock Electronics!

This Show, Like The Last Show

Wednesdays, which is now when Self Help Radio airs, will probably be a little rough for me. Not because of any work-week cliche like it's "hump-day," nor because of co-workers who feel perfectly all right humping me whatever day it is, nor because of anything at all related to employment - no, I don't have a job, therefore I can go right home after my three hours on the radio & snooze.

Or can I? Ask my dogs! I stayed up late Tuesday because I am an anxious sort, & returned after my show around half past nine & fed the menagerie, then retired to my boudoir, where I clutched a lumpy pillow to my head & dozed to dream about whatever sorts of awards they give people with amazing radio shows, & the ceremonies those awards would compel me to attend.

But this is a house with three dogs & a probably equal number of cats. They are cute fellows but they are selfish & mean. I was asleep not two hours - barely time to get interviewed on the red carpet by some entertainment news show! - when they were asking to go out, asking to be loved, asking to borrow the car keys to go get some lunch - you know, the shit pets do.

After explaining that they didn't know how to drive, & giving them a little loving, as they are cute as hell, I got up & put the selfsame shows I did that morning on the interweb. (I did a Sugar Substitute along with a Self Help Radio.) I then zombied my way through the rest of the day, retiring at the unheard-of time of 10pm (!) even before I watched the Daily Show. I should've said something yesterday, but it would've looked & read a lot like remarks in drool. & maybe this will be how my Wednesdays are from now on.

The shows are at selfhelpradio.net of course. Remember, if you're named Emily, the Self Help Radio show might be very interesting for you.

Whither Emily?

I am currently without an Emily in my life. I have a niece named Emily, & I saw her last week, although I didn't say anything to her & she didn't say anything to me. She's maybe nine or ten? She's my little brother's kid, & he & I aren't close, so there's no reason or expectation that I'd be close with his kids.

I worked with an Emily in Austin, but she didn't even come say goodbye to me when I left - we weren't more than co-workers.

I kissed an Emily once, but we lost touch a long time ago. I think she tried to get in touch with me a few years back, but I waited too long to respond & it fell through the cracks. In any event, neither of us seems to need each other in our respective lives, so most probably at some point we'll connect through Facebook & continue not speaking to each other.

None of these Emilys are the reason for tomorrow's Self Help Radio. It's just fun to make a show with songs about a certain someone, & at some point I noticed a lot of songs about an Emily in a lot of musicians' lives. I am actually grateful I don't have an Emily buzzing around me - if I did, she'd probably think the show was for her specifically. It isn't. It's for every Emily in the world equally.

Are you an Emily? If you are, & you'd like a CD of the songs I'll play on the show, write me & I'll send you one. Like I did for the Bills of the world summer before last. I'm good like that - & it's my way of saying thanks for letting me celebrate your name.

Preface To Emily's Show: What's All This About Emily Dickinson & "The Yellow Rose Of Texas"?

According to Wikipedia (on this page) the song "The Yellow Rose Of Texas" is "a traditional folk song which has long been popular in the United States & is considered an unofficial state song of Texas. The actual author is unknown; the original publisher (Firth, Pond & Co.) only stated that it was composed & arranged expressly for Charles H. Brown by 'J.K.' [...] The soundtrack to the TV miniseries James A. Michener's Texas dates a version of the song to 1927 & co-credits the authorship thereof to Gene Autry. However, Don George ('I'm Beginning to See the Light') reworked the original version of the song, which Mitch Miller made into a popular recording 1955."

Emily Dickinson was of course the reclusive 19th century New England poet whose morbid sing-song poems are the easiest thing to memorize in high school English class. But did you know that most if not all of her poems (which were mainly written in what is called "common meter" by snobby poets) can be sung to the tune of "The Yellow Rose Of Texas"? I learned that in high school just like you did, & this page has a midi file to compare, while this page explains that this is possible because of oh so common meter. Emily Dickinson & television! The nerve!

If you don't know "The Yellow Rose Of Texas," don't worry - most folks know the melody more than the words, & that includes most Texans. A lot of them would be shocked by the minstrel lyrics, which begin "There's a yellow rose in Texas that I am going to see/No other darkey knows her, no darkey only me."

Something I had never heard of is added on the Wikipedia page: "A twentieth century myth has turned the Yellow Rose into one Emily D. West, a housekeeper in a hotel in New Washington, Texas, during the Texas Revolution." It's of course unlikely, but what a coincidence for this week's show!

When Is A Vacation Not A Vacation?

I can't tell you, but I can show you. Just look back over the last five or six days of my life...

I am back in Huntington, not terribly rested & smelling like airport disinfectant. It turns out - did I tell you this already? - I will be premiering Self Help Radio (& its current sister-show Sugar Substitute) as three hours of morning offerings starting this Wednesday at 6am on 88.1 WMUL. Of course, you have to be in the tri-state area to hear the shows live, but I will post them to selfhelpradio.net as soon as I catch up on the sleep I miss getting up at 6am (!) to do a show. For the time being, Sugar Substitute will start off at 6am & Self Help Radio will stumble along ninety minutes later.

I am thinking - maybe you have some input - of doing another show on alternate weeks with Sugar Substitute that plays electronica. What do you think? I don't know what to think. I don't think I know what to think. You think?

Regular blog posting begins again tomorrow. I've missed you. If only you told me where you lived, I could have sent you postcards. Or text messages. Or little hearts with arrows through them on crinkly candy wrappers.

Some Things To Do Before The Vacation

It's true, I don't know where Self Help Radio will end up on the WMUL schedule in a couple of weeks. But I can't worry about that. I gotta get back to Texas to help my mother celebrate her 80th birthday! & knowing her, I'm going to designated driver all weekend long.

I'll let you know about the show's fate when I do, but until then, surely you can enjoy yesterday's show (theme: "Run!") available now at selfhelpradio.net, as well as the sixth episode of the pop show Sugar Substitute (theme: deliciousness) also available there.

If I see you in Dallas & Austin, I'll see you there. Expect a little radio silence for ten days or so - not from the radio, just from me. I may pop in every once in a while to say hey - & to tell you where Self Help Radio lands on the 88.1 schedule.

Now go, listen to those shows. I have to pack.

On Your Markers...

Hey! Yeah, you! Do you live in Huntington, West Virginia? Do you or anyone you know have access to a radio? Do you know how to turn it on? To adjust the volume to a level at which your ears are comfortable? Do you know how to tune it to a particular frequency? Yeah? Hey! Can you tell time? It doesn't matter if it's digital or uses an hour hand & a minute hand - any type of clock will do. You can? Swell! When it's three o'clock (big hand pointing to the top of the clock, little hand at a right angle pointing to the right) (or 3:00 on a digital clock) (if it's military time, it'll be 1500 hours), you can tune your radio to 88.1 fm. That's WMUL Huntington. You can listen to today's episode of Self Help Radio. That's right! The theme is "run!" Wait - I didn't mean for you to... Nertz.

Okay, you - do you live in Huntington, West Virginia? No? Do you have a computer? Is it connected to the internet? Yes? Do you know how to use a web browser? Yes? Super! Some time tomorrow - you can check back here if you like - you can listen to today's show at selfhelpradio.net! Isn't that great? It'll be the same theme because it's the same show. Just recorded. It's like science fiction of the nineteen-thirties only it's eighty years later & it's real!

This'll be the last Self Help Radio for a couple of weeks, so do tune in if you can, or listen online when you can. It not only makes you a better citizen, it entertains you in a grand old style. It's true!

Whither Run!?

in the auld database, where there are data saved, information about a musical collection gathered over many years, consisting of many media, vinyl, digital, compressed & uncompressed, scattered & strewn, the clever music maven begins to note similarities of title & theme, tiered & alphabetized handily, not coincidental, but in convenient blocks, lines of repeated words which signify not cover songs but originals.

"Run" is a song title. There are dozens!

"Run Run" is another song title. Only a few of these. Why?

"Run Run Run" is yet another song title. Many more of these.

Something like a spark ignites the tinder-quality gray matter in the deejay's song-soaked head. "A show!" thinks he, "A show with songs only titled "Run!" & "Run Run!" & "Run, Run Run!"

The gauntlet is thrown. The disparate, yet homogeneously named, tracks are gathered, listened to, arranged.

Another Self Help Radio is thus born!

Preface To Run!: A Wide History Of Flat Feet

I never knew I had flat feet until the girlfriend/wife (sometime either before or after the marriage, but I don't remember when, so I err on the side of calling her both although she cannot for whatever reason be both) pointed it out to me on some occasion with some surprise. I suppose she had never really looked at my feet before. She seemed startled. I was a little embarrassed.

She's an anatomist, so I take her observation as fact.

I hoped I had flat feet when I was a lad because I had heard that flat feet disqualifies you for military service. I didn't want to serve the military. I wouldn't have liked the killing or, on another level, the showering with other men. I wondered how one could fake flat feet, but decided instead on being a conscientious objector, although later research showed that you really, really had to prove you hated war. No spending the entire conflict with the Quakers for me!

However, since 20 to 30 percent of the population have flat feet, it would be moronic for the military to refuse those afflicted with this condition. They've even done studies about it, probably more to assuage old officers who believe in old officers' wives' tales, than to find proof of disqualification. However, it must be said, I have more or less well flat feet, while some folks with flat feet are in a lot of pain. Damn you fallen arches! How can you be so cruel?

Yet I run. I run free! My flat feet, my flat right foot, my flat left foot, & me.

Lyrics To Songs That May Or May Not Exist

I grew up in a medium-sized suburb called Garland, Texas. Here is the city's homepage. I knew that people paid a lot of attention to football, but myself lost interest as I grew older. I went to only a couple of games for my middle school team, since I was on the yearbook staff & had to take pictures. I never went to any of my high school's games. Actually, I might have gone to one. Yeah, I went to one. In my senior year. I remember everyone I knew being surprised to see me there. & it was chilly. & afterwards, I deejayed for the first time at the after-game dance, & I did an astonishingly bad job. The shape of things to come!

College football is another thing entirely, of course, & I never went to a single game at the University of Texas, when I was a student or later as staff. (Here is Austin's web site.) In fact, the games were very inconvenient for me since I used to spend Saturdays at KVRX, & of course campus was clogged when there were games. One time, I was walking to the station, which was away from the game, & some already drunk dudes passed me & said, "Hey, you're going to wrong way!" I said, somewhat snottily, "No, I think I'm going exactly the right way." I didn't smile or turn around or anything, but one of them said, "He's lookin' to get his ass kicked!" But I didn't get my ass kicked.

But even though Austin slowed down during UT football games, & it was generally quieter at supermarkets & the like during such times, the city never shut down the way Huntington was this afternoon. Granted, Huntington (whose web page is right here) is about a tenth the size of Austin, & less than a quarter the size of Garland, but wow! The city was quiet as if there had been an invasion this afternoon because of the football game. What football game? Er. I didn't ask. Let me check.

Ah! It was the season opener, & Marshall University beat Southern Illinois 31-28. I beat there's a lot of happy folks tonight. Good for them! I think I'm going to watch Green Acres instead. Speaking of, have I ever shown you my Green Acres fan fiction? I really should.

Manna Mania

From the Wikipedia:

As a natural food substance, manna would produce waste products; but in classical rabbinical literature, as a supernatural substance, it was held that manna produced no waste, resulting in no defecation among the Israelites until several decades later, when the manna had ceased to fall. Modern medical science suggests the lack of defecation over such a long period of time would cause severe bowel problems, especially when other food later began to be consumed again. Classical rabbinical writers say that the Israelites complained about the lack of defecation, and were concerned about potential bowel problems.

They used every part of the manna, no shit.

That's manna mania!

The Other End Of The Loop

Huzzah & hurrah! Yesterday's Self Help Radio show is up for those of you foolish enough to have missed its initial airing at selfhelpradio.net! Alert the authorities! Countermand the captain's orders! Belay that! Belie that! Bellow from the rooftips! Cut the blond from your hairtips! Cut the bland with your fingertips! & by all means tip your caddy!

Also huzzah & as well hurrah! In the same place, with a slightly more poppy feel, is the fifth non-fattening episode of Sugar Substitute. Loaded with confection, you can play it in public & it'll slightly increase your intrinsic self-worth. Psychologist-apprised & well worth its own sweet time!

Please be a dear & go listen to them. Daddy needs to have a nap now.

Game Duh

I'm on the air in about an hour on 88.1 fm WMUL Huntington. If you're not able to listen to it, I'll be archiving the show tomorrow at selfhelpradio.net. I have to go clean my shoes & shine my spats - must look spiffy for the radio crowd! Hope to hear that your heard!

Stay Of Elocution

Yeah, it turns out that there was scheduling issue today at WMUL, so I didn't get to do Self Help Radio. It'll air tomorrow on 88.1 at 3pm, & maybe again next Wednesday at that time. The new schedule will begin the week after next, so my timeslot (if I get one I hope I get one!) should be stable for a while after that. Tune in!

I probably didn't coin the pun "stay of elocution," but I did use it in a poem I wrote a million years ago. It was called "Stripper Girlfriend" & went like this:

what is light after all but the end of the denial & the rest
of the afternoon spent secretly dreaming of management games
& chests pressed sternly against sidewalk & self or did they
in half of one six dozen of the other somehow tell everybody
that subdued sadness or repressed depression manages to lift
out of sex & affection when least is likely & knowing naught
is not the right response but what i mean or what i'm trying
to say whether love or whether apple core clues or whether a
stay of elocution pumps honesty or not like i care to get at
the meat of the matter or the jism of the gist or the broken
heart of the moment need sweaty bloody teary-eyed courageous
& all i ever manage is hold on hold back hold it right there
ha eyelids make smashing sounds & perspective is a curse but
end of the tunnel faster than the thankfully schoolyard bang
bang or did i mention marriage because the shadow cross play
& play house too closely for me to pharmacy & farm community
in isolation is another dreamy dream like losing nothingness
your best friend the only one who understands you sacrifices
inlove for breakfast eugene v debs for places to go peephole
to see the never never ain't forever what with bookends here
& over here so excuse me tough time opening this jar of meat
loaf should be pandora's box it's surely not happening is it

I Was Going To Call This Particular Post "The Night Before"

But it turns out I may be moving the show around again to air on Wednesdays from 3 to 5.

So you'll just have to wait till tomorrow to find out. I have to wait the rest of the night, I think.

Whither Loops?

In high school, I came the closest to fulfilling my aspirations of being a rock & roll star (aspirations which, by the way, I never pursued with any sort of determination - so it's not like I'm heartbroken it didn't happen) when an old friend - who really could play musical instruments, &, unlike me, could also sing - had me come in & horse around with him, making stuff up while he played basic chord progressions on the guitar (in those days, this friend was more of a loner, & he would then spend days adding other stuff - drums, backing vocals, other guitars - in the privacy of his lonesome room with a four-track recorder). Thus was born such incredible songs you'll never hear like "Teenage Zombie," "Prom Night," "Battering Ram," "Officer Burrell Has Some Documents For You To Sign," & "Vandal With Me," as well as eminently forgettable covers of U2's "I Will Follow" (in which I ad-libbed the lines, "I'll follow you to your house - to you grandmother's house - I'll wait in the bathroom - I will follow!") & ZZ Top's "Sharp Dressed Man," which I was openly mocking by perfectly enunciating the doggerel lyrics. I still fucking hate that song.

My pal Joe gave us a name - Atheists On A Mission From God - but it turned out to be ill-timed, as my loner friend was finding Jesus simultaneous to our musical adventures & would eventually stop talking to me for years because I was an infidel & he couldn't save me. You can imagine that, for a young man surreptitiously (well, he didn't tell me) finding God, it must have rankled when I'd phone up & say, "Hey, wanna do some Atheists stuff this weekend?"

Those songs are all lost, more or less. I probably have them on cassette somewhere, but the cassettes have probably melted or oxidized or whatever happens to old cassettes. I was pretty young at the time - 17 or 18 - but boy did I have fun. I wish then we had had the digital technology we have now. My friend destroyed his copies (along with a lot of his own recordings, I think, & a lot of his record collection, which had a lot of Satanic stuff in it, like Talking Heads) when he was saved by Jesus. Jesus may well have been doing the world a favor!

Of all the songs to be least proud of is "Battering Ram," a sexist ode which is a ridiculous boast from me, a boy who hadn't yet had sex, about my member's terrifying abilities to break down the walls of love (literally?) over a twelve-bar blues. Inane, but the whole point was that I was trying to crack up my musician friend (who gave the song its title - I didn't then & still don't think that way) with dumb lines like:

I dated this girl about four days
I said "Baby something's getting in the way"
No problem, battering ram!

At the end of the song, while I was singing "I'm a battering ram," my friend said, "His bedroom's an obstacle course." So I added, "Watch it jump through the hoops, do loop-de-loops, battering, battering ram." I can still both see my friend crack up & hear it in my head. He was one of those people you liked to make laugh.

That "loop" song is one, though, you won't hear on Self Help Radio this week. Or ever. If I can help it.

Preface To Loops: You Can Loop This Blog Post & Rap Over It

I miss working at the University of Texas for one really big reason: the campus has a subscription to the Oxford English Dictionary Online. You know how much it costs for one person, like me, who might only use it now & again, & usually for my dumbass radio shows? Two hundred & ninety five dollars a year! That's amazing. Of course, the twenty-volume set costs a thousand dollars, so I suppose it's something of a bargain. Not all that looking up, leafing through pages, etc. You know, the stuff that makes books so much fun.

I can use dictionary.com, but it doesn't have those archaic quotes from writers that I'm sure seemed a lot more important at the time that the OED has. It does, however, have twenty-nine definitions for "loop" so I am a little grateful for that. I can also used Merriam-Webster, which is also free but a little clunky to navigate through. The other Webster's is by far the most comprehensive & free, yet I don't know why - I still miss the OED.

I think it's that you can turn off & on, like etymology & quotes. I am a sucker for sites that let you hide & show information.

You know, if you spend a little time with dictionaries online you can see where I get a lot of info I impart on the show. That's probably not a good thing to tell you - maybe you would otherwise think I am much smarter than I really am. But there you are. You can think I'm loopy - even if I'm not looped but sober - you can grab me by the pants loop or take me around town on the loop - but now you're in the Self Help Radio loop. Enjoy.

Loop Loopy

You get kind of loopy listening to songs both about loops (including the clothing kind) as well as songs constructed with weirdly obvious loops, & as such you begin to find yourself thinking about, I don't know, dressing up your dog as the Starship Enterprise. How bad an idea can it be?

Whatever happened to all those people who wanted to raise their own money to keep a Star Trek franchise show on the air? Did the new Star Trek movie quiet them down? Or will they continue to make their own movies? (I confess, I really like the tag line of that homemade Star Trek movie, "Star Trek - Of Gods & Men": "Legends come together one last time... To destroy each other." But wouldn't it be better if the last part were all caps? "Legends come together one last time... TO DESTROY EACH OTHER." Also, shouldn't there be an exclamation point? "Legends come together one last time... TO DESTROY EACH OTHER!"

Maybe then I'd find it & watch it.

That's not true - I'm a huge Star Trek nerd but I barely choked down Enterprise & Voyager. The new movie was a lot of fun. If they're not going to try to make a series like Deep Space Nine again, I can handle reinvention & big budgets. Although there should have a been a little Shatner in the new movie, you know?

You heard me!

Taking Thursdays Off

I was thinking of taking Thursdays off writing this blog. Having Self Help Radio be on a Tuesday severely screws with my ridiculous artificial structure for the blog, which, when SHR was on a Friday (or when I unveiled the podcast on Saturday), was all like:

MONDAY: Remind folks I put last week's show on the web site over the weekend.
TUESDAY: Mostly nonsensical "preface to" whatever theme I was covering that week.
WEDNESDAY: Equally inane "whither the theme?" post.
THURSDAY: Treading water.
FRIDAY: The show's on today! Or the show's on this weekend!

But I can't seem to get into any sort of rhythm with the show on Tuesday. & I tend to put the show up on Wednesday, which is sort of the new Saturday, so I can't not write something until Friday. That doesn't feel right. So I think I'll just take Thursdays off & maybe even Sunday or something. I am not in any way interesting enough to write something funny &/or/god forbid insightful more than three or four days a week.

I know, no one cares but me. Man, I wish I read this blog!

Also, if I take Thursdays off, I guess I have to start next week. Damn it!