A Brief History Of Lactation

Lactation is the secretion of milk (unflavored, & also not soy) from mammary glands. It is a process that occurs in all female mammals whether they like it or not. Usually it happens with the involvement of something that is very naughtily called the "nipple." However among platypuses it was decided at a meeting of the Conservative Platypuses of Australia (CPA) that that simply would not do & now they excrete milk primarily through their abdomen which makes perfect sense in the grand old style. By the way the excommunication of the male Dayak fruit bat for crimes pertaining to male lactation remains in full force. Scientists take note! You wouldn't want any of your precious email leaked now, would you?

Lactation as has been widely noted is a biological process & that's why it makes schoolchildren giggle. Also college students. If you really want to make them laugh, discuss in great detail galactorrhea, which isn't really a big problem but sounds enough like diarrhea to encourage mirth. In recent years however lactation has come under fire by the baby formula industry (now controlled by Halliburton & Montsanto, whose production of petroleum-based, genetically-modified-for-deliciousness infant enhancement juice will replaced mother's milk among most American mutants & zombies, & also the poor, by the year 2020) & has been discredited as an outdated practice mainly used by hippies, pagans, & the grossly uninformed. The grossly uniformed have been unfortunately implicated in this as well, but they are entirely innocent, except of course in regards to fashion crimes. Please learn to spell. Spellcheck isn't always right.

Lactation Liberation being a natural development to ridiculous forces acting in the real world, the shadowy world government under Supreme Leader Sarah Palin has begun replacing real mammalian breasts with artificial ones. To show their support, many women have chosen to support plastic surgery in any nearby mammal, which may explain where your Italian greyhound went, you know. Everyone told you to get her spayed but you were all like "But what if I want to breed her?" & now it's just too fucking bad you were such a selfish asshole & when your canine pal is returned to you she won't be the same & it's all your damn fault. No, don't whine to me. Too fucking bad for you.

What does the future hold for lactation? Only a young child nursing at his mother's teat knows for sure. By the way, is anyone out there as uncomfortable as I am when comedians talk about missing being breast-fed? I know the joke is that they enjoy breasts so much & have from an early age, but aren't they talking about their mothers' breasts? If you extrapolate it out, you know. It's like they are admitting to something incestuous, like they're attracted to their moms, & that kind of grosses me out. People get into fights about that sort of thing, right? "Dude, you're attracted to your mom." "Don't be talking about my mom like that!" Punch, bleed. It just seems like those comedians - they know who they are - are making jokes that they themselves would be horrified by if they really thought about it. Ick.

What Is Favorite If Not The Electronica?

I ask you.

I answer you: despite interesting snafu-lation (at about 6:12am, the power went off at the station for 20 seconds, leaving me a little confused & literally in the dark) & strange noises coming from my belly (what did it want? will I ever know?) there were three hours of 2009-flavored electronica on WMUL today & it was awesome.

Don't believe me? It is surely an easy matter to check for yourself: both this week's episode of Self Help Radio & Dickenbock Electronics is available for your listening to pleasure at selfhelpradio.net, where they should be. Shouldn't you also be?

I thought as much.

Time & Date Dot Com

Anyone who's ever seen me stand up & talk to people & want to plan something but be completely unaware of the date will know that I love timeanddate.com. It makes a calendar for you! It tells you what day the Landing Of The 33 Patriots will be in 2010! (It's a Monday! No school for Uruguayans!) It tells you that next year's Day Of Liberation in Norway falls on a Saturday so you know some fish will be smoked that night! & in Hong Kong (& anywhere else they celebrate it) the Dragon Boat Festival will be on a Wednesday next June, so you totally get a day off in the middle of the week! That's awesome!

One thing that would make timeanddate.com better would be if they also broke down individual days so you'd know when something cool was happening. Like, if you went to West Virginia on Wednesday, December 9, 2009, you'd see at 6am "Dickenbock Electronics" airs on 88.1 fm WMUL in Huntington, & then at 7:30am, Self Help Radio airs on the same station. Maybe if it got a little more detailed, it could predict when I played certain songs & when I did airbreaks. Wow! That would make putting the show together a lot easier for me!

But you can't. That's sad. It doesn't mean I don't still love timeanddate.com, but it does mean I don't love them as much as I could. & it's their own fault. Sad frowny face.

Whither Gary's Favorite Electronica 2009?

This is a short puzzle about Wilder, the loneliest robot. It takes place in your immediate future.

Preferably use the commercial (not the non-commercial, home-made) version of Wilder, the loneliest robot. Recommended models include: Heterosexual Wilder, Subway Token Taking Wilder, Wilder With New Bass Guitar Attachment, Senator Wilder Of Circuitsvania. Using a Plain Brown Wilder is acceptable but may not withstand the scorching heat in step seven below.

After several long conversations with your spiritual adviser of choice or, if you have no supernatural beliefs, with your bartender &/or cats, please enclose a self-addressed envelope stamp in a moderately comfortable billowy undergarment. Shake nervously. Sidelong glances, as always, are inappropriate but understandable.

With winter on the way, it's a good idea to check or change your antifreeze, not necessarily in that order.

Some women prefer wine, while some men prefer women. Seventeen revered statisticians (all with the letter 'e' in their names at least seven times) take such tidbits of data & write long, lengthy, several-paged abstracts about concrete ideas. In any given sample, then, someone is bound to use the word "literally" incorrectly, & of that a subset will use it laughably. Not a one, not even in sarcastic places like Buffalo, New York, or Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, will use it ironically.

When someone mentions bonfires, which they will at some point if precautions are not taken, & they are not, then the choices you previously had dwindle to merely several, or perhaps just a few. Stand firm, & tell the story of Timmy, the odiferous ocelot, & his above-ground adventures with the Whisker Gang. These stories get more entertaining as more gasoline is huffed, but that shouldn't be necessary unless someone wants to burn rock & roll records.

Viola! You've made Wilder, the loneliest robot, cry! & that's how electronic music was born!

Preface To Gary's Favorite Electronica 2009: Can You Give Us A Hint What To Expect?

Yes, it was a wonderful year for electronical music. I've been happily doing a biweekly show called "Dickenbock Electronics" on WMUL since late September (you can listen to those shows over at selfhelpradio.net) & it's made me focus a little more on electronica than maybe I normally would have, but I did compile a list last week of my favorite electronic records of the year & it was - shall we say - a bit unweildy. It contained the following artists:

Ametsub, Autoclav1.1, Keef Baker, Bibio, The Boats, Boxcutter, Cheju, Christ, Clark, Cybo, Demdike, The Exaltics, Exile, Falty DL, The Field, Flica, Ghosts On Tape, Jon Hopkins, Infinite Scale, Jega, Kettel, Phil Kieran, King Cannibal, Legowelt, Lullatone, Lusine, Melodium, Monolake, Nosaj Thing, Ochre, Prefuse 73, Rustie, Saycet, Shackleton, Shpongle, Stendeck, 10-20, Luke Vibert, Paul White & Zomby

Of course I still need to whittle it down - a lot of them just won't make the final cut. But wow! Isn't it nice to be able to choose rather than say "oh, golly, I need another song... what didn't suck too much?"

It was a very nice year for electronica, it's true.

Ah, Snow!

I'm inside this chilly morning going over all the wonderful electronic music made this year for this week's show, while outside it looks a little like this:



It's quite lovely.

A Birthday The Whole Year Round

Well, you made it through another birthday. Or did you? Did your nearest & dearest forget? Or worse yet, did they remember, & all you got was some insubstantial gift on Facebook? Do you think you deserve better? Well, Self Help Radio does too!

That's why the scientists & circus clowns at Self Help Radio have developed a Birthday Show (tm) which can be listened to all year around! Since the shows are simply songs about birthdays (even if specific people's birthdays are discussed within) the listener can think to him, her or itself, "Say! Self Help Radio cared enough about me to do an entire radio show about my birthday! Gee!"

In certain states of the United States & at least four different places in Canada, having a birthday mix prepared for you would cost you at the very least a half-pint of blood & a DNA swab quickly shared with authorities, but not this birthday mix! It's available whenever your computer is on & connected to the internet at Self Help Radio Dot Net. This award-desirous website also contains other radio shows (like this week's episode of Sugar Substitute) which may have greater appeal to you & can easily be considered birthday gifts if you aren't completely satisfied &/or think you deserve more gifts.

If you act now, or any time in the next couple of months at least, you can even listen to Last Year's Self Help Radio Birthday Show, which has believe it entirely different songs about birthdays, so you're not getting the same damn tie or pair of electric socks you get every year.

Happy birthday from Self Help Radio! Don't say we never got you anything!

The Classic Birthday Gift

I just typed into Google "the classic birthday gift" in quotes. Here's what I got:

birthdaypresent.org.uk (which seems to be a placeholder) called flowers "the classic birthday gift."

tikisurf.co.uk called socks "the classic birthday gift."

1888orchids.com had a "classic birthday gift basket." What's in it? "Ghirardelli dark & milk chocolate, Godiva creme brulee dessert chocolate with layers of butterscotch caramel & vanilla cream in a milk chocolate shell, Portlock smoked salmon (ugh), assorted Lindt Lindor dark & milk chocolate truffles, sesame breadsticks, Godiva dark chocolate covered pretzels & almonds, Italian hazelnut chocolate, peanut brittle, olives, serving dish, cheese knife & more." & more? Peanut brittle & olives? Doesn't that sound like the title of a Ween album?

suzisshabbydecor.com didn't have a classic birthday gift, but they did have a "classic birthday gift" BAG, for you to put your classic birthday gift into. What does the classic birthday gift bag contain? "One large bag, one small bag, twenty-six inches of grosgrain ribbon, twenty-six more inches of printer grosgrain ribbon, a written description of what grosgrain is, seven embellished 3D stickers, four sheets of tissue paper, two sheets of printed paper, & two decorative tags." Classy!

I personally think the classic birthday gift is a Wii. But that's just me.

Meanwhile, tomorrow, at 6am, a new Sugar Substitute, & at 7:30am, a new Self Help Radio. Live on 88.1 WMUL & archived later in the day at selfhelpradio.net of course.

Whither Magda's Birthday Show 2009?

Sing! Sing, like a totem pole!
Dance! Dance, like an ornery cuss!
Sigh! Sigh, like a dinner roll!
Applaud! Applaud, like a school bus!

For we're celebrating Magda's birthday!
Yes we're agitating for Magda's birthday!
It happens this time every year
& it's she we hold dear
So we're actuating Magda's birthday!

I said
Scream! Scream, like a winter's day!
Twirl! Twirl, like a dog before sleep!
Drink! Drink, like a drunken bouquet!
Wiggle! Wiggle, like in REM sleep!

For we're celebrating Magda's birthday!
Yes we're congratulating Magda for her birthday!
(Though it's not technically her fault)
& it's she we exalt
So we're accelerating towards Magda's birthday!

One more time
Laugh! Laugh, like a hobo in sunlight!
Buzz! Buzz, like electrical fires!
Zip! Zap, like a space-age gunfight!
Smolder! Smolder, like all your desires!

For we're celebrating Magda's birthday!
Yes we're collaborating on Magda's birthday!
She thinks she doesn't deserve it
But we'll still observe it
We're implicating ourselves in Magda's birthday!

Preface To Magda's Birthday 2009: You Can Ask Again - Why Is This Particular Birthday So Damn Special?

I married a girl named Magda. I sort of but not really recommend it. First, if you marry the same girl as I did, she could go to jail as a bigamist, even if she thinks she's being really cool & living the polyandrous life, which is the same thing & just as illegal. Second, Magdalena (which is the long-playing version of Magda) (but not the extended remix, which is so damned long it would fill this entire blog with disco lights & jazz hands) is a name from the Bible, referring to Mary Magdalene, who, according to the Bible Of Wikipedia, was like this:

"Mary Magdalene or Mary of Magdala is described, both in the canonical New Testament & in the New Testament apocrypha, as one of the most important women in the movement of Jesus. Mary was one of women who accompanied Jesus during his travels, following him to the end. According to all four Gospels in the Christian New Testament, she was the first to witness his resurrection."

That seems cool, doesn't it? But wait! Why wouldn't that be a cool thing for a (Christian) person to want to name his or her offspring? Because Mary Magdalene is widely considered to be a repentant prostitute. That's right. You heard me! My wife's parents named her after a former prostitute. What were they thinking?

I have only met a few Polish folks in my life, & most of them are my wife's family, & I feel like I keep hearing the same names over & over - but like I said, I only know the few that I've met through the wife. Looking at this page of common Polish names, it occurs to me that my wife's parents could just as easily have named her Agnieszka or Brygida or Cecylia or Dorota or Emiliana or Franciszka or Genowefa or Jacinta or Ivona or Justyna or Katarzyna or Lucja or Malgorzata or Olga or Pelagia or Rozalia or Stefania or Czeslawa or Urzula or Waclawa or Zofia rather than have her name be associated with the exact profession (even worse than stripper!) that a parent does not want his or her daughter to adopt - redemption or not!

That's okay, though, because names don't determine one's fate, despite what the Kabalarians think. (They say this, about the name Gary: "This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, & success, as well as cause health weaknesses or accidents to the head, worry & mental tension." Uncanny! I do have health weaknesses of the head!) She became who she was by successfully & utterly ignoring the Bible, & so should you.

It's a lovely name. I've changed my mind. But she still can't marry you as long as she's married to me.

Wow, & I Forgot!

Just looking at the blog I realized that I didn't tell you that this week's episode of Self Help Radio, entitled "Dysfunctional Family Holiday 2009," as well as this week's episode of Dickenbock Electronics, are available for listening at selfhelpradio.net.

What a maroon. There's also a new Self Help Radio Extra featuring my favorite hip hop of 2009. See the previous post for that story.

Enjoy a nice photo I made for the Self Help Radio Fan Page on Facebook. You can become a fan, too, you know. I demand it.

Extra At The End Of November

I like to record every one of my shows, even if I don't mean for them to be listened to except when they're happening (if then), & I have a fancy-schmancy digital recorder thing a dude at KOOP recommended I buy, which really doesn't ever fuck up on me. Rather, I fuck up on it. I don't delete the old shows from the memory chip, or I don't make sure the device is connected properly to the board, or, like I did on Thursday, I don't turn it on properly. (Don't turn it on properly? What sort of nimrod am I?)

So I did a sort "Self Help Radio" extra on Thanksgiving in which I played my favorite hip hop from 2009. I was going to share it (unlike the majority of shows I did on WMUL this past week) but of course I - god it's so embarrassing - I forget to press the record button on the device. Which sucks. Five hours of radio (of which the first two are the hip hop) disappeared into the aether, to annoy space people &, eventually, super-evolved crickets on Earth billions of years from now when the signals return, because I like to think space is curved.

But rather than simply feel stupid (which I do all the time, it is a simple thing to do) I put the tracks together in a continuous playlist & made them this month's Self Help Radio Extra. I listen to what some might call "underground" hip hop, so I don't really feature any size of Wayne or anyone who yells at skinny blond country singers or anyone who undervalues themselves by pricing themselves publicly, but I do have tracks from the Wu-Tang Clan, Mos Def, & Q-Tip just to show I am slightly paying attention to the commercial world. But only slightly.

Have a listen, & feel lucky - not only in this instance are you free from my inane banter, but also you don't have to listen to radio edits. You foul mouthed fucker you.

Pressure Dropped

A friend wrote me an email complaining that, even though I'm doing a few shows on WMUL this week, only my regular shows are going to end up on selfhelpradio.net. What up with that? he asks. Aren't you recording them?

Does this friend really want to hear all the shows I'm doing this week, or does he work for nefarious forces attempting to make me pay more for server space? Probably neither, but I think he thinks I said or did something embarrassing on the radio yesterday that's making me not put the show up. What faulty logic! I say & do something embarrassing on every show!

It's really just about oversaturation. He's not going to listen to everything I put up & neither will you. There are dozens of shows at selfhelpradio.net that are dying of loneliness - why subject others to that sad fate? I'm not that cruel.

Here's the important stuff: If you're in Huntington, you know you can hear a new Dickenbock Electronics at 6am, a new Self Help Radio at 7:30am, plus three hours of awesome jazz from 9 till noon tomorrow, on WMUL, 88.1 fm. The electronics show & Self Help Radio will be put up as per the usual at selfhelpradio.net; the jazz show will go into the ether to entertain our coming alien overlords.

Whither Dysfunctional Family Holiday 2009?

I'm farther away from my family than I've ever been... I hope to recapture some of my family's derangement with a few songs this Wednesday about messed-up families. I recommend you listen to it with your own.

That seems a glib blog entry, but I am doing ten more hours of radio this week (I did two hours today) so you'll have to simply enjoy it for what it is. I wanted to start a tradition & now I, in my tiny way, have. Four years straight of songs about dysfunctional families. It's certainly some kind of achievement.

Now I'm embarrassed.

Preface To Dysfunctional Family Holiday 2009: No Turkey Drippings In The Dressing, Please

This is a perhaps moderately amusing story from my young adulthood. I became a vegetarian around the time I went to college, in mid-to-late 1986. My family, mostly used to me being nothing at all like them, probably thought it was a phase, but now, over twenty years later - well, I'm sure some of them still think it's a phase. My mother, though, was alarmed. She honestly thought I needed some form of meat regularly or I would die. Never mind that I still ate dairy products - she became convinced my life would drain from me if someone didn't shove a pork chop down my throat every once in a while.

So, in those days, I came home from college for Thanksgiving, even though it wasn't much fun, since my family generally had a football game to watch or something, so the television was on while we ate. I made do - I could have corn on the cob, & mashed potatoes, stuff like that, but mostly I loved the dressing. Mmm, dressing. I ate it up. I took some back to school with me. Yummy!

A couple years later my sister tells me that our dear mother, fearing for my life, put turkey grease in the dressing. She apparently would do that whenever she made me any meals - find some way to put some animal fat in it. It obviously explained to her why I could be alive & not - gasp! - eat any meat at all. I stopped going home for Thanksgiving around then, & I don't think I've eaten anything my mother's prepared for me in many years. She'd probably still do it. Or else I'll die!

I'm not only thinking about this because it's Thanksgiving week, but also because I was at the supermarket here in Huntington (I make it sound like there's only one, but it's too late to say "Kroger's" now, you know?) (there are more than one supermarket in Huntington, I promise) last night wandering through the frozen stuff aisle - you know, the pre-made, flash-frozen, heat-in-your-microwave crap - & there were a few frozen dressing entrees, but all of them had some form of animal juice in them. My fears were thus confirmed. My mother controls all the frozen food in America.

& unless I make it myself (unlikely) I get no stuffing for Thanksgiving. Boo hoo!

A Glimmer Of Hype

This is of interest mainly to the subset of Huntington, West Virginia, residents who listen to WMUL 88.1 fm with some regularity. Next week (starting, I suppose, Monday) the entire university shuts down for Thanksgiving week. (Which I find astonishing.) (School lasts till Wednesday at the university in Austin.) (My dentist told me it might be because next week is the beginning of hunting season.) (But who knows?) This means several things about my radio work next week. Here they are:

1) Self Help Radio & Dickenbock Electronics will air regularly, during the 6 to 9am time on Wednesday. That's super news! I'm not affected by either hunting season or Thanksgiving!

2) Plus, I'll be doing the three hours after my shows, which means three hours of jazz oh boy! until noon. So that's six hours of me on the radio Wednesday. Pretty soon after, I'm sure, someone will make that illegal.

3) Plus also, I'll be doing a freeform show Monday at 2pm to 4pm. Just because I haven't done freeform for a while. It might be fun!

4) Plus also too, on Tuesday at noon, till 2pm, I'll be playing some hip-hop, & the same on Thursday. Tuesday will be old-skool, while Thursday will be an overview of the hip-hop I liked this year.

I may archive those shows, but probably not all of them. Still, how exciting! Don't you wish you lived in Huntington? Or, alternately, aren't you glad you don't live in Huntington?

Shows Up, Hose Down

Yes yes yes yes yes yes. This week's Self Help Radio (full of impertinent questions like "are you sure?" & "are you certain?") as well as this week's Sugar Substitute (which will satisfy your ear's sweet tooth) are both available for listening at selfhelpradio.net. There are lots of shows there. These are but two. But they are the newest two, &, maybe, the only two you haven't heard yet. Have a listen.

Meanwhile, I am embarrassed that I referenced this ridiculous documentary, which I don't think I ever saw - there was another one that was better-reviewed & -respected - but back in my video store days, people did love to check that movie out.

Self Help Radio is much better for you than a documentary about pimps & hos. Trust me. Of that I am sure.

Years Ends

Rapidly comes to a close the years 2009. What is to follow except perhaps 2010? Does that means to you for the beginning of the next of the decades of this or any other century? No!! We want to feel more like positives in numbers, not so much like they will negative be.

Certainly the trees die in the autumn of seasons where it is in West Virginia. Any leaves are scattered waiting for picking up or perhaps someone will blow. Dogs and tenants alike crunching through the dead dying litter leafs saying to the world "Yes!! Yes!! It is the end of someone's year!!"

Alternatively nothing makes a closing sale celebration or some other excuse to or from partying is Self Help Radio, which authorities submit finds 88.1 fm dial on days like Wednesdays exactly when the crow flies at 7:30 am. We live like so many do in West Virginia but someone doesn't always, & luckily therefore www.selfhelpradio.net often find itself strewn with the previous of shows. Huzzah!! Hurray!!

Naturally one expects listening. Or if so, much grateful!!

Whither Are You Sure?

- Are you sure?
- I'm not sure.
- Are you sure you're not sure?
- I'm sure I'm not sure.
- Then you're sure.
- I'm sure I'm not sure, but I'm definitely not sure.
- I'm not so sure about that.
- No?
- Certainly.
- So you're sure that you're not sure but you're not sure that I'm not sure.
- I'm not sure - can you repeat that?
- Sure.
- Wait. You're sure you can repeat it but are you sure you're really repeating it correctly?
- Surely you don't think I'd be so unsure in my faculties that I'd forget something I just said.
- I'm sure some people do.
- I'm sure most people don't.
- How can you be so certain?
- Scientific studies on the nature of certainty.
- I heard that those results were uncertain.
- You're thinking of the uncertainty principle.
- Assuredly I am not!
- For someone who thinks he's so unsure you're sure sure of yourself.
- I'm not sure I'm explaining myself well.
- Then why do you sound so sure?
- Are you sure I sound sure? I sure don't hear it.
- Sure you do. It's the certainty in your voice.
- I'm not sure it's certainty.
- What is it then?
- I'm not sure.
- But you're sure you're not sure.
- I'm positive!

Preface To Are You Sure?: In Praise Of The Humboldt Current

Not enough bloggers or their blogs, in these troubled times, choose to take time out of their busy schedules of reading politicians' new ghost-written books or complaining about the price of cheese in Shinola to simply sit back & appreciate the little bits & pieces of Nature that make our world the terrifying & lovely place it has always been & may yet one day be. Take the Humboldt Current. You have to go to South America to do it, but take it. Take what the Wikipedia says for granted:

"The Humboldt Current is a cold, low-salinity ocean current that flows north-westward along the west coast of South America from the southern tip of Chile to northern Peru. It is an eastern boundary current flowing in the direction of the equator, & can extend 1,000 kilometers offshore... [N]amed after the Prussian naturalist Alexander von Humboldt, [it] is one of the major upwelling systems of the world, supporting an extraordinary abundance of marine life... It is the most productive marine ecosystem in the world, as well as the largest upwelling system... [&] support the world’s largest fisheries. Approximately 18-20% of the world’s fish catch comes from the Humboldt Current LME. The species are mostly pelagic: sardines, anchovies & jack mackerel... The cold, nutrient-rich water brought to the surface by upwelling drives the system’s extraordinary productivity."

Fuck yeah! You can read the whole article here, & if you do, your friends will call you Jack Mackerel. & you'll say, "Of course! & thank you, Humboldt Current!"