Preface To Does It Matter?: Well, Does It? Does It Really Matter?

I had planned to write something snarky for this post like "No. No, it doesn't."

But the new record by The Secret History came out this week, & I can't stop listening to it.

So sometimes, you know, everything seems like it matters.

YOUR Secret Name! LEARN It Now!

Did you know you had a Secret Name?!? You DO! Shhhhh! It's SECRET!

How do you find out your Secret Name? You CAN'T! It's a SECRET! You can't just go around telling people a Secret! It stops being a Secret then. Then it becomes Common Knowledge! Yes, even if only TWO PEOPLE know it. There's no in-between!

Do you know who knows your SECRET NAME? Somebody does! If no one knew, it would not be a Secret! It would be UNKNOWN! Nobody knows that which is UNKNOWN! Once someone knows the Unknown, it become the KNOWN.

Right now your Secret Name is KNOWN but it's UNKNOWN to you. It's a SECRET! Furthermore, if the one person who KNOWS your Secret Name told you, then it would no longer be a SECRET. The two of you would know it, & it would therefore become Common Knowledge! OH NO! What happens then? Then YOU would have to KILL the person who told you your Secret Name!

But that's MURDER! It's absolutely NECESSARY if you want to keep your Secret Name a SECRET! But surely there's ANOTHER WAY!

THERE IS!

MAKE UP your own Secret Name! Your own made-up Secret Name automatically TRUMPS any Secret Name you might have out there! Now you don't have to MURDER anyone! Unless you tell them your SECRET NAME!

Don't do that.

I Lost Consciousness For A Bit There

& when I awoke, there was an entire radio show finished. Which is funny. I've never blacked out during a radio show before.

You can explore with me what happened during those missing ninety minutes at selfhelpradio.net. It's a little weird - while I was unconscious, I did a radio show about unconsciousness.

I guess I'm glad I wasn't shot. I would've bled out trying to play songs about getting shot!

818 CE!

Okay, virtually nothing happened in 818 CE. (I do use the secular "CE" for "common era," rather than the front-loaded Christian nomenclature "AD," which stands for "Anno Domini," which is Latin for "In the year of the Lord," a reference to Jesus/God, not to Zeus, in which case I'd probably use it.)

Here's all it says on the Wikipedia page about 818: "Bishop Theodulf of Orléans is deposed & imprisoned, after becoming involved in a conspiracy of King Bernard of Italy against Louis the Pious." It was four years after the death of Charlemagne, so the confusion at the end of his reign was just beginning. The Crusades were nearly three centuries away.

Here's a map of the "Eastern Hemisphere" at the beginning of the 9th century. Here's a map of the same part of the world at the end of the 9th century. So a lot of shit would happen in the 9th century. Just not in 818 CE.

Here's a list of stuff that happened in the 9th century.

How about them Arctic Marine Mammal Hunters? Don't you think that that would be an awesome name for a band? How long do you think they'd be hollered at by people at PETA?

Hey! Fans of the Western Hemisphere! There weren't any kingdoms like in Asia or Europe, by the Maya & the Aztec were getting the party started right, & in North America there were the Mound Builders, still going strong.

Sorry if you were expecting more exciting news about 818 CE. Might you be excited that there's a new Self Help Radio tonight at midnight on 88.1 WMUL in Huntington? Or that it will be archived tomorrow at selfhelpradio.net? No?

You're hard to please.

Whither Unconsciousness?

What's the difference between the unconscious & the subconscious? That's simple. The unconscious is a theoretical (from Freudian "psychology") state wherein things which you've repressed (like childhood trauma, or wanting to have sex with your parents) are hidden. The subconscious is the state just below your conscious state, where things you know are stored & to which you have relatively easy access. Like, say, the address of a friend in another state to whom you've written a lot. You have to recall it when you're writing out the envelope - it's not always in the forefront of your mind.

"Unconscious" of course also means the state of not being conscious, & that's how Self Help Radio will use it this week, because we're not Freudians. The things that Freud said which could be experimented for their scientific validity were long ago proven untrue, & the things he said which couldn't be falsified are not scientific any way. Not that that bothers Freudians, of course. They like the ideas & will run with them, which is a very human thing to do. But I & everyone at Self Help Radio (which is basically only me) like science better.

This show, haters, is not my answer to critics who have called me a "blackout drunk." First of all, I have no critics, since that would require listeners, which I'm also pretty sure I don't have. Secondly, the only person who would even know about me being a "blackout drunk" is Drunk Gary, who I turn into when I drink. I don't remember anything Drunk Gary does & vice-versa, although he's begun leaving me nearly indecipherable notes on the computer before he goes to bed, like this one, which says, "yr kriks say yr a blakout drnk." But, as you can plainly see, what he writes makes absolutely no sense.

Preface To Unconsciousness: Are You All Right?

On a Princeton University page dealing with alcohol-related issues (vis a vis students & their drinking habits), they have this pearl of wisdom: "Do not assume an unconscious person is sleeping. The individual may be suffering from alcohol poisoning." Or worse!

I was going to try to dig through the internets to find that possibly anecdotal (or do I mean apocryphal?) study wherein psychologists tracked the amount of time it took city folk to respond to someone unconscious in the street as opposed to country folk. I know I have passed unconscious people, but usually they look like they're asleep (although it might be alcohol-induced) & they also look like they basically live on the streets. Still, I always feel bad.

I have never seen someone go from consciousness to unconsciousness on the streets. I think that would make me poop my pants. I have stepped in-between two people, in both fights & some dude hassling a chick, to prevent an event that might have ended up with one or both of them unconscious. Not because I am brave, as I am a coward, but because I hope my considerable bulk will seem scary to a person who's thinking of making another person unconscious.

What I do do is faint. I faint quite a bit. Not recently, but I think I've fainted enough to label myself a fainter. It's true! & most every time I've fainted, someone's helped me. But perhaps that's because I tend to faint around friends or classmates. & never, you know, on the street.

If Only We Spoke The Truth...

A recently funny thing reminded me of a funny thing from many moons ago. This is apparently new(ish), & I found on Mark Evanier's blog:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFicqklGuB0

Which reminded him - & me - of a film called "Truth In Advertising," the full version of which I'd never seen. It's here:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1417085460030712897#

Please enjoy. One day I may even learn how to embed video. Not today!

Self Help Radio O'Clock

I am very lazy today & am just going to repeat here what I wrote on the Facebook Self Help Radio page. You should become a fan!

There are those who think that Self Help Radio doesn't tackle the tough & challenging issues of our day. They imagine the show is a frivolous, navel-gazing enterprise centered almost entirely around the quirks, idiosyncrasies, mental maladies & delusions of its host. Those people are entirely correct. However, occasionally Self Help Radio switches gears, puts on a shirt without holes in it, & looks difficult questions straight in the eye. So it happened this week, when Self Help Radio asked the question: What o'clock is it?

For though it was midnight in Huntington, it was not & could not be the same o'clock everywhere in the world. Who is to blame for this? What vast quasi-legal extra-governmental maneuvers made such a counter-intuitive world-view a reality? Self Help Radio decided to find out. Unfortunately, it didn't, but a radio show happened any way. Oh well.

The playlist is below. The show is at http://www.selfhelpradio.net/ - or selfhelpradio.net o'clock for those of you with digital time pieces. There is also another episode of Sugar Substitute in the same place, & I'm not sure, but I might have talked about foot sweat. It was late.

As always, thanks for listening. You're swell!

What O'Clock Is Self Help Radio Tonight?

It depends on where you are. For example, it will be on the air in Huntington when it is 5am in Frankfurt, but also when it is 6pm in Honolulu. But if you are in either of those places - or, really, anywhere but Huntington - it doesn't matter, because it airs live in Huntington on 88.1 fm WMUL & nowhere else. Nope! No streaming yet. But one day...

But of course I'll put the show soon after it airs on selfhelpradio.net, so it can air any time you want it to. It's just going to air originally at midnight tonight, so if you need to hear it as it happens, & not on some recording, then you need to get your ass to West Virginia toot sweet.

You have like thirteen hours. I'll be here when you get here. You crazy fool you.

Whither What O'Clock Is It?

Not terribly fun fact! In its infancy, Self Help Radio did a show about clocks! (On October 22, 2003!)

Corollary fun fact that is as equal in its lack of fun as the previous fun fact! This show will not be like that show at all!

Also not terribly fun fact! In the history of Self Help Radio (seven & a half years!) there has only been one (1) previous theme that's been a question! ("Are You Sure?" November 18, 2009!)

Darned uninteresting fun fact! In two (2) weeks, Self Help Radio will present another theme that is a question! ("Does It Matter?" March 29, 2010!)

These aren't fun facts! Why do you call them fun facts! They're not of interest to anyone but the host of Self Help Radio!

Well, you don't have to be so mean about it.

Preface To What O'Clock Is It?: Rhetorical Radio Shows & Their Inherent Difficulties

The radio show asks a question. Do you answer it? Or do you look a fool if & when you try?

Take the young man, Eugene Vapor, who did not understand that some questions were not meant to be answered, but were asked, as it were, to make a statement or gain some sort of effect. (It should be known that young Mr. Vapor also had a genetic resistance to sarcasm, one side effect of which was that Mr. Vapor was utterly convinced of everyone's sincerity.) Mr. Vapor often spent his days writing long letters (this was in the twentieth century) to questions he believed he was being asked, questions he felt needed prompt replies. Mr. Vapor of course died from an infection he received from an unprotected mailbox he happened across in an unpleasant part of town.

But should we condescend to (some might have said accommodate) the Mr. Vapors of this world? The answer is, if & only if they have a lot of money. Then it is, as expatriates in the Czech Republic say, de rigeur. Yet poll after poll taken amongst animals in the neighborhood reveal that people like Mr. Vapor do not listen to shows like Self Help Radio, which insists to ask & answer its own questions like some kind of pusillanimous politician afraid to take questions from Boy's Life & Sugar Tits magazines. But judging a radio show like Self Help Radio is easy; listening to it is the difficulty.

Noted rhetor & amateur garbage sculptor Semaphor Livid was recently asked as if he didn't already know why some radio shows need to ask questions & others felt comfortable simply supplying answers. A long, mostly riveting response about a late 70's Pink Floyd concert he missed & the botched back-alley tattoo removal that ensued entertained the paid studio audience even as the FBI surrounded the building. The crew who refused to film the event, complaining about the lack of proper lighting & copyrights, later informed wary passers-by that, yes, questions were often asked, but no, answers were not forthcoming. But was this betrayal?

In the previous selection (see previous selection), half a dozen abrupt landlords met with tenants & nearby hobos to inform them of new rights per pending legislation a continent away in California. Surprisingly, a modest fire was built right there in the auditorium & someone with the obligatory electric guitar (along with a multi-instrumentalist who had only brought her flute) sang long, sad songs about this or that flight of fancy in this or that youth. Then - & only then, because versions differ & memories are faulty but the most trustworthy report was from a guy who assures everyone he was totally there because he still has a burn mark from the electric guitar on his hypothalamus - the cry went up, & a hush fell upon the city, & while some have called it a religious experience, it was anything but, as prescription drugs were in the water supply.

Were was Self Help Radio in all this? It was, of course, huddled in its garage apartment, peering through spectacles smudged with filthy, music-listening hands. Doing what? you may ask. Oh, you know: asking questions it doesn't expect you to answer.

Abdication!

I am done talking about kings, monarchy, kingdoms, realms, crowns, all that. Just sick of it. Not once - not once - during this process have I been offered the rule of a country. Or a small village, even. How much must one radio show person hint? Seriously.

That's okay, though, I can still run for elected office if I so choose. Please look from my announcement whenever my theme is "democracy." Or maybe "corruption."

If you aren't sick of kings, or if you missed last night's show, it's available online at selfhelpradio.net for listening. Please do. & then vote for me for king!

King For A Day!

Apparently there used to be this horrible television show called Queen For A Day which is considered a godmother of television's modern "reality" craze. It began on radio. Tonight on the radio I shall be King For A Day!

Not really. It's only ninety minutes. & I won't be king. I'll be playing songs about kings, real & imagined, & also things that are titled "king" because of their importance. So there's no similarity between the old show & my new show. You can see one of the few extant episodes (they were usually destroyed like most of the television shows of the day) of "Queen For A Day" here. I warn you. It's awful.

You can listen to tonight's Self Help Radio live on 88.1 fm WMUL in Huntington & I'll archive it tomorrow on selfhelpradio.net. I can't predict how awful it will be. You'll have to listen to hear!

Whither King Fill-In-The-Blank?

People sometimes think I get too weird about my themes. They say to me, do like the zombie that used to be Bob Dylan does: make millions of dollars writing great folks songs & then coast for more than half your life on your reputation. Wait. I mean, do a radio show with simple themes. Like "cars" or "baseball" or "days of the week that end in 'day'."

I do want to be more like the zombie that used to be Bob Dylan, especially with the money & the commercials with Victoria's Secret models & the occasionally flirtation with evangelical Christianity. But for some reason when my brain tells me to come up with a theme for a show, the chemicals involved get sidetracked, possibly by memories of seeing girls in their underwear, & suddenly bam! There's a theme that seems unnecessarily complicated.

For example, the zombie that used to be Bob Dylan would do a show about "kings." That would be simply enough & no one would scratch their head. His assistants would eagerly find songs for him that he would nod at as if he approved & then someone would write his script & his show would go off without a hitch. But not me. I am nothing like the zombie that used to be Bob Dylan. I am, some might say, not even a fraction of the rotting ego that that zombie that used to be Bob Dylan has. Because instead of doing a show about kings, or monarchy, or the notion of the divine right to rule, what do I do?

"King Fill-In-The-Blank." What?

See, this is the grand idea my foolish brain had: "Anyone can do a show about kings," my brain told me, "even the unpaid interns who gather music for the zombie who used to be Bob Dylan's show. But what if you saddle yourself with arbitrary restrictions in the theme? Won't that be something you might call fun but no one else would?" & because I am drinking at the time, I say, "Sure!"

Wait. What restrictions? Simple: the songs can be about kings, but they have to be about a specific king. King _____ . So you can't play a nice song like Tyrannosaurus Rex's "King Of The Rumbling Spires" but you can play a song called "King James." See?

Wait, wait. Does it have to be a real king? No. It just has to say King & some noun. Won't that be fun?

Oh, yes. Fun.

Preface To King Fill-In-The-Blank: Someone Get Me Away From This Piano

Did you know that in a clavichord the strings are struck by tangents, whereas in a harpsichord they are plucked by quills? I think I did but it was of no consequence so I forgot I knew.

Here's something that might blow your mind: the first piano was built around three hundred years ago. Isn't that incredible? The piano is not a terribly old instrument at all. Not like the flute, versions of which have been found that are forty thousand years old. But then you have to build a piano, & you can carve a flute out of a bone. (They've found those.)

Of course younger still are "keyboards," which are basically synthesizers, which are just a little older than I am. What, do you think, is the youngest musical instrument? & no, you can't count Autotune. Which is younger than most (but not all) of the musicians who use it, but not even out of its teens.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, pianos. I think I admired pianos for a long time before I appreciated them. It might have something to do with Elton John. Not his music so much as the album "Don't Shoot Me, I'm Only The Piano Player." I must've seen that album when I was a kid & the title stuck with me. The piano player is immune from the saloon shoot-out! That seemed cool.

Was I afraid of being shot in a saloon? Who knows? I was just a kid, after all.

We're Not Out Of The Woods Yet!

We're not even in the woods! We're on the path that leads up to the woods! & oh no! That was our last exclamation mark. All we have are a bunch of periods, commas, & semicolons. We need to be extra careful as well - we don't have that many ampersands left either. If someone were to say, "We need to watch out for bears & tigers & hunters & lions & antelope and buffalos and giant cakes of brie, " well, there you go. We used all the ampersands up.

Now we have some of these: ¡¡¡ There are a lot of those, but they're useless without exclamation points, and also without words in Spanish. Or Portuguese maybe? Do they use both the ¡ and the ¿ in Portuguese? Oh, yeah. We got plenty of question marks. The trouble is, people like to answer questions. So it's confusing if I use too many question marks. You know? If we write sentences like this with a question mark, it's weird? You see? We won't do that then? After that one, at least.

By the way, if you've read this this far, you may be wondering why we refer to ourselves as "we" at this moment and not use the first person singlular pronoun. Can you imagine, we're out of those too. (Rats, we should've used a question mark there - Can you imagine? We're out of those too.) So even though it sounds like we're (at best) more than one person writing this or (at worst) we think we're royalty, we can't use the first person singular pronoun because we haven't got any.

Hey. We have an idea. Why not use the upside down exclamation point as the first person singular pronoun? Or would that seem pretentious? ¡ don't think so. ¡ just have to forgo capitalization. which is fine. ¡ was running out of capital letters anyway. but not question marks? no, ¡ have plenty of question marks. Also semicolons; but ¡ already said that.

ah, now ¡ think we're in the woods.

Boy! What A Long Night!

Wanna know what I did last night? It was on the WMUL web site yesterday:

Pretty exciting, eh? Also, pretty exhausting. I'm beat.

I did three hours continuing the indiepop a to z madness I started many moons ago. But I did finish the e's! Hooray for me! Hooray for indiepop!

Indiepop doesn't even notice what I'm doing.

Go! Listen! Now! At selfhelpradio.net!

I'll be here if you need zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 25?

Hey! Aren't you supposed to be sick in bed?

Well, I am sick at my computer. It's much the same as if I were in bed, only less comfy.

But if you're still sick tomorrow you won't be able to do Self Help Radio!

Ha ha, no worries there. I'll do it even if I'm deathly ill.

You just want to infect the kids at WMUL!

Infect them? With what?

With your cold!

Oh, I thought you were thinking of something else?

What?

The plague.

What plague?!?

Exactly.

So you'll do the show whether you're well or not?

I'll be fine to do the show tomorrow.

It's the next installment in your indiepop a to z series?

It is.

Why do you keep doing them?

I started it, I might as well try to finish it.

This would be number 24, yes?

No.

No?

No.

But the last time you did one of these "whither indiepop a to z" posts, it was called Whither Indiepop A To Z # 23!

It was. But I also did a Sugar Substitute after that & continued the indiepop a to z. So you can listen to either Indiepop A To Z # 23 or Indiepop A To Z # 24 if you want, but the new one will be 25.

You think you're so smart.

If I was this smart, would I be talking to myself like this?

I suppose not.

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 25: I Have A Cold

Am sick. Won't be able to radio show tonight. Will get better so can do Self Help Radio on Monday. Must go drain sinuses now. Excuse me.

Back In The Quiet

Yes, the Self Help Radio returned safely two days ago to the wilds of West Virginia after a brief sojourn in the New York City area, where it took in a Broadway show & a Daily Show, but mainly ate lots of delicious vegan food in Manhattan & Brooklyn. Oh god can that radio show eat! Even in cold rain!

It also looks like the Self Help Radio escaped a blizzard in the Large Apple... Though the plane from Cincinnati was daringly de-iced & flew the half hour to Huntington through some snowy resistance, there's no snow on the ground here but maybe some flakes floating in the sky.

Are you uncomfortable that the host of Self Help Radio refers to himself as the show? That's kinda weird, right? Is it a desire to anthropomorphize or some weird clingy ego that makes him identify entirely with the show? & what about the whole "writing about himself in the third person" thing? That's weird, right? Who else would be writing this if not him? It's not like he has a staff!

In any event, the Self Help Radio will return to its normal slot on Monday night, the first evening of March. In addition, on the night of the next-to-the-last-day of February, the host of Self Help Radio will be playing three hours of rock & roll on a show he's calling "Saturday Night Rock & Roll" because, frankly, after naming shows like "Self Help Radio" & "Sugar Substitute" & "Dickenbock Electronics," he's really all out of idears.

Also, he has the sniffles. That's not going to sound very good on the radio, is it?

By the way, though this blog post has a lot of questions, & there's a comments function so one could easily attempt to answer them, please don't feel obliged. They're rhetorical & the answers have already come to the Self Help Radio & it's feeling awful about everything.

After vacation, everything returns to normal.