If one wants one's mind cleared up about difficult definitions, one could do worse than to visit the Urban Dictionary. Here, for example, are five of its entries for the word "melon."
1. n. cranium, skull, brain case, brain box
I slipped my hat onto my melon today in hopes of keeping my scalp from getting sunburned.
2. n. A single breast. See melons.
One melon was larger than the other.
3. n. someone stupid or someone performing an activity with seemingly no intelligence; shortened form of "melonhead"
He just ran into that fence. He's a melon!
4. n. A round & juicy fruit that is usually about the size of a football. It is commonly sliced up & de-seeded before serving. There are quite a few variants of the fruit including the popular watermelon.
Might there be some watermelon in your fridge?
5. v. The act of smacking another's forehead as a sign & act of derision.
That wicker fool done gone swiped my pewter so I gone & laid a melon on him.
Definition number 4, of course, is the one Self Help Radio will be focussing on & of course the most common use. But wow! I totally forgot about calling one's head a melon! Bugs Bunny would be mad at me.
& definition number 2 is inappropriate for the radio.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Friday, April 09, 2010
Courtesy Call
When Mr. Phobe got his courtesy call at six o'clock in the morning, he let his eyes slowly adjust to the blue darkness in his room before edging off the bed & trying to remember where the bathroom was. Every hotel had a slightly different arrangement, & he was always in a different hotel. He had forty-minutes for a shower & all his other morning ablutions, & then he would have to go outside, determine what city he had found himself in, & begin his day.
As he was shaving, he remembered something strange about the courtesy call. His mind was always foggy up until he shaved; he believed it came into focus so he wouldn't slash his throat or something similar, since he used a straight razor. Always had, just like his father always had. & the use of the straight razor did focus his mind, woke him up actually, much as folks who needed a cup of coffee used the caffeine to sharpen their thoughts. He actually sharpened his thoughts with a steel blade. He said that aloud to himself & chuckled.
Was it something the woman said in the courtesy call? Usually it's a short sentence, something like, "Mr. Phobe, this is your courtesy call, it's six o'clock in the morning." The bigger chains had automated the process, which is why he tended to favor smaller hotels, or bed & breakfasts if he could find one. This morning, it had been a peculiar female voice - therefore it wasn't a recording - but she hadn't stuck to the script, she had said something unusual. What had it been?
He knew a thought like this would torture him for the rest of the day if he allowed it to. After he had dressed, he went downstairs to the small breakfast nook in this small hotel & got hot water for his tea. He saw an idle hotel worker & asked him pleasantly who made the courtesy calls in the morning. But the worker was unhelpful, even a little insolent, so Mr. Phobe left unsatisfied, even a little embarrassed to have asked. Yet he knew the unclear recollection would gnaw on him for the rest of the day, & he went to the front desk.
"Good morning, sir," said the young lady there.
"Good morning, young lady," said Mr. Phobe. "I have what might be an odd question. Who makes the courtesy calls in the morning?"
"Courtesy calls?" she asked with a smile.
"Yes," he said, "the courtesy call, to wake me up in the morning."
"Oh," she said, shaking off the confusion, "we don't call those courtesy calls. We call them 'wake-up calls.'"
Mr. Phobe didn't know how to respond.
"A courtesy call," the young lady at the front desk went on, "is what telemarketers commonly call their solicitations, to sugar-coat or otherwise obscure their intrusions. There's also a diplomatic courtesy call, which is probably where telemarketers & other salespeople got the term. But of course the 'courtesy call' in the telemarketer sense is the exact opposite of courtesy. It is, in fact, incredibly discourteous, often made at hours when one wants most to be with family or to relax. The calls made for the purpose of getting the consumer's money, not to help them in any way."
Mr. Phobe could not think of any sort of reply. He said, "Thank you," & turned away.
But now he had a bigger problem. He had been calling his wake-up calls "courtesy calls" nearly his entire life. What exactly, then, were his wake-up calls?
As he was shaving, he remembered something strange about the courtesy call. His mind was always foggy up until he shaved; he believed it came into focus so he wouldn't slash his throat or something similar, since he used a straight razor. Always had, just like his father always had. & the use of the straight razor did focus his mind, woke him up actually, much as folks who needed a cup of coffee used the caffeine to sharpen their thoughts. He actually sharpened his thoughts with a steel blade. He said that aloud to himself & chuckled.
Was it something the woman said in the courtesy call? Usually it's a short sentence, something like, "Mr. Phobe, this is your courtesy call, it's six o'clock in the morning." The bigger chains had automated the process, which is why he tended to favor smaller hotels, or bed & breakfasts if he could find one. This morning, it had been a peculiar female voice - therefore it wasn't a recording - but she hadn't stuck to the script, she had said something unusual. What had it been?
He knew a thought like this would torture him for the rest of the day if he allowed it to. After he had dressed, he went downstairs to the small breakfast nook in this small hotel & got hot water for his tea. He saw an idle hotel worker & asked him pleasantly who made the courtesy calls in the morning. But the worker was unhelpful, even a little insolent, so Mr. Phobe left unsatisfied, even a little embarrassed to have asked. Yet he knew the unclear recollection would gnaw on him for the rest of the day, & he went to the front desk.
"Good morning, sir," said the young lady there.
"Good morning, young lady," said Mr. Phobe. "I have what might be an odd question. Who makes the courtesy calls in the morning?"
"Courtesy calls?" she asked with a smile.
"Yes," he said, "the courtesy call, to wake me up in the morning."
"Oh," she said, shaking off the confusion, "we don't call those courtesy calls. We call them 'wake-up calls.'"
Mr. Phobe didn't know how to respond.
"A courtesy call," the young lady at the front desk went on, "is what telemarketers commonly call their solicitations, to sugar-coat or otherwise obscure their intrusions. There's also a diplomatic courtesy call, which is probably where telemarketers & other salespeople got the term. But of course the 'courtesy call' in the telemarketer sense is the exact opposite of courtesy. It is, in fact, incredibly discourteous, often made at hours when one wants most to be with family or to relax. The calls made for the purpose of getting the consumer's money, not to help them in any way."
Mr. Phobe could not think of any sort of reply. He said, "Thank you," & turned away.
But now he had a bigger problem. He had been calling his wake-up calls "courtesy calls" nearly his entire life. What exactly, then, were his wake-up calls?
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
When LIKE Turns To DISLIKE!
That doesn't sound too threatening, does it? Not like when LOVE turns to HATE! That sounds awful!
If you like Self Help Radio, I hope that this week's show, called "What I Like," doesn't make you dislike it. However, if you dislike Self Help Radio - & seriously, who could blame you? - maybe this show will make you like it. Probably not, but hobos spring eternal.
It's in its usual place (the show, not the hobo) (didn't Emily Dickinson say that hobos are the things with feathers? maybe she meant after being run out of town with tar & stuff) which is selfhelpradio.net. I would like it if you listened to it. I would like it more if you liked it.
However - it may soon turn to DISLIKE - so listen fast!
(How does one listen fast?)
If you like Self Help Radio, I hope that this week's show, called "What I Like," doesn't make you dislike it. However, if you dislike Self Help Radio - & seriously, who could blame you? - maybe this show will make you like it. Probably not, but hobos spring eternal.
It's in its usual place (the show, not the hobo) (didn't Emily Dickinson say that hobos are the things with feathers? maybe she meant after being run out of town with tar & stuff) which is selfhelpradio.net. I would like it if you listened to it. I would like it more if you liked it.
However - it may soon turn to DISLIKE - so listen fast!
(How does one listen fast?)
Monday, April 05, 2010
The Difference Between 'I Like' & 'I Love'
Is there one?
Perhaps 'I Like' is meant to mean that you spend a great deal of time & attention on the object of your liking, but 'I Love' means you have something like an obsession. For example, "I like cheese & I like potatoes, but I love cheese fries!"
Not to imply that there needs to be a correlation between the likes & loves. Another example could be, "I like traveling to Ohio but I love getting Swedish massages!"
In any event, strong feelings or no, there will be many things listed that are liked on tonight's Self Help Radio. It will air at midnight in Huntington, West Virginia, on 88.1 fm WMUL, & then will be placed on a dusty shelf for you to stare at on the Self Help Radio website.
Perhaps many secrets will be revealed! Or perhaps further confirmation of my utter dorkiness will be provided. Either way, I hope you listen.
Perhaps 'I Like' is meant to mean that you spend a great deal of time & attention on the object of your liking, but 'I Love' means you have something like an obsession. For example, "I like cheese & I like potatoes, but I love cheese fries!"
Not to imply that there needs to be a correlation between the likes & loves. Another example could be, "I like traveling to Ohio but I love getting Swedish massages!"
In any event, strong feelings or no, there will be many things listed that are liked on tonight's Self Help Radio. It will air at midnight in Huntington, West Virginia, on 88.1 fm WMUL, & then will be placed on a dusty shelf for you to stare at on the Self Help Radio website.
Perhaps many secrets will be revealed! Or perhaps further confirmation of my utter dorkiness will be provided. Either way, I hope you listen.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Whither What I Like?
Daniel Falsename of Winner Lakes, West Oregonia writes,
Dear Self Help Radio,
I see that your upcoming show is entitled "what I like." This disturbs me. I'll tell you why.
I and my grandmother Sam, who doesn't like your show because she can't understand what a radio is, we always assumed that whatever you played on the show was what you liked. I understand that other deejays at commercial radio stations have to play things that they don't like, but never Self Help Radio!
But if you now are presenting a show called "what I like," what am I and my grandmother Sam to think except that everything previously had been not at all what you like, and now you are finally, after forty years on the air, playing what you like.
Can that be? If so, what am I and my grandmother Sam to do?
Yours etc.
Daniel Falsename
Thanks for the letter, Daniel. I understand your concern but unfortunately, you're partially correct. As you might have read in The Wall Street Journal or perhaps Auto Trader, Self Help Radio, formerly a cooperative entity owned by all its employee, has been acquired by a wealthy multinational based on Easter Island (or rather a houseboat floating somewhere nearby - apparently the multinational is really creeped out by the big head statues) & the former host, Gary, has been replaced by a new host, Gary (me). To distinguish myself from the previous Gary, I am beginning my tenure on the series by stating obviously what I like. After that, I will be forced to play what the multinational likes.
Remember! The old Self Help Radio answered your letters! The new one, well, maybe not so much.
Dear Self Help Radio,
I see that your upcoming show is entitled "what I like." This disturbs me. I'll tell you why.
I and my grandmother Sam, who doesn't like your show because she can't understand what a radio is, we always assumed that whatever you played on the show was what you liked. I understand that other deejays at commercial radio stations have to play things that they don't like, but never Self Help Radio!
But if you now are presenting a show called "what I like," what am I and my grandmother Sam to think except that everything previously had been not at all what you like, and now you are finally, after forty years on the air, playing what you like.
Can that be? If so, what am I and my grandmother Sam to do?
Yours etc.
Daniel Falsename
Thanks for the letter, Daniel. I understand your concern but unfortunately, you're partially correct. As you might have read in The Wall Street Journal or perhaps Auto Trader, Self Help Radio, formerly a cooperative entity owned by all its employee, has been acquired by a wealthy multinational based on Easter Island (or rather a houseboat floating somewhere nearby - apparently the multinational is really creeped out by the big head statues) & the former host, Gary, has been replaced by a new host, Gary (me). To distinguish myself from the previous Gary, I am beginning my tenure on the series by stating obviously what I like. After that, I will be forced to play what the multinational likes.
Remember! The old Self Help Radio answered your letters! The new one, well, maybe not so much.
Saturday, April 03, 2010
Preface To What I Like: The Athens Of Ohio
Do you like that expression? Some people describe some cities as other cities. For example, because of the increasing number of movies & television shows being shot there, some might call Vancouver "the Hollywood of Canada." Or because of its horrible weather, Molly Ivins (I think) once called Houston "the Calcutta of the Western World." It's part of the human love affair with analogies.
Since it was known as the birthplace of democracy & science, among other things, Athens is always well-regarded (at least among people who like democracy & science, although revisionists who hate the implication "white people" {if you can even call them that twenty-five thousand years ago} inventing such things somehow makes them "better" than other races {see my Carl Sagan quote below})& people love to call a place "the Athens of whatever."
WIkipedia lists nineteen cities called Athens in the United States, although there are probably more. The most famous is Athens, Georgia, where a lot of bands in the "alternative" music spectrum have come from & continues to come from. Today I am traveling for the first time to Athens, Ohio, also a college town but one unlike Huntington, which is nearly two & a half times larger, but which doesn't appear to have nearly (if any) of the common appurtenances of college towns. Marshall University is weird like that.
Of course, "the Athens of Ohio" means something different than "Athens, Ohio." But surely they named it that, though, in the hopes that the name would somehow make Athens, Ohio, the "Athens of the United States." Or at least of Ohio.
NOTE:
Here's a Carl Sagan quote that will piss off racist scum & hopefully assuage the resentment of insecure folks not of a "Greek" or "Western" heritage about the idea that democracy & science were invented in Athens (this is from "Cosmos"):
"China and India and Mesoamerica would, I think, have tumbled to science too, if only they had been given a little more time. Cultures do not develop with identical rhythms or evolve in lockstep. They arrive at different times and progress at different rates. The scientific world view works so well, explains so much and resonates so harmoniously with the most advanced parts of our brains that in time, I think, virtually every culture on the Earth, left to its own devices, would have discovered science. Some culture had to be first. As it turned out, Ionia was the place where science was born."
Since it was known as the birthplace of democracy & science, among other things, Athens is always well-regarded (at least among people who like democracy & science, although revisionists who hate the implication "white people" {if you can even call them that twenty-five thousand years ago} inventing such things somehow makes them "better" than other races {see my Carl Sagan quote below})& people love to call a place "the Athens of whatever."
WIkipedia lists nineteen cities called Athens in the United States, although there are probably more. The most famous is Athens, Georgia, where a lot of bands in the "alternative" music spectrum have come from & continues to come from. Today I am traveling for the first time to Athens, Ohio, also a college town but one unlike Huntington, which is nearly two & a half times larger, but which doesn't appear to have nearly (if any) of the common appurtenances of college towns. Marshall University is weird like that.
Of course, "the Athens of Ohio" means something different than "Athens, Ohio." But surely they named it that, though, in the hopes that the name would somehow make Athens, Ohio, the "Athens of the United States." Or at least of Ohio.
NOTE:
Here's a Carl Sagan quote that will piss off racist scum & hopefully assuage the resentment of insecure folks not of a "Greek" or "Western" heritage about the idea that democracy & science were invented in Athens (this is from "Cosmos"):
"China and India and Mesoamerica would, I think, have tumbled to science too, if only they had been given a little more time. Cultures do not develop with identical rhythms or evolve in lockstep. They arrive at different times and progress at different rates. The scientific world view works so well, explains so much and resonates so harmoniously with the most advanced parts of our brains that in time, I think, virtually every culture on the Earth, left to its own devices, would have discovered science. Some culture had to be first. As it turned out, Ionia was the place where science was born."
Friday, April 02, 2010
Whoa
I can't think of anything to write today. I think my mind is just a little blank. I mowed the lawn, I did some work for the radio station & I have to forage for my own food tonight because the wife has to do something with academics or something. I don't really know because I wasn't really listening because I've learned to tune out.
I was reading about this writer named Gary Indiana (& no, I don't just like him because of his name, although his real first name is Gary & he was born during the height of the popularity of the name Gary, thanks to the actor Gary Cooper, whose real name isn't Gary, but who was named Gary by his agent who was from - ta-da! - Gary, Indiana) & although I've never read any of his books, I remember reading something from him in The Nation about what he felt the Democrat's political platform should be in 2004, & while I am ordering one of his books online, I'll share this with you & hope it doesn't offend either him or The Nation:
"Ratify the Kyoto Protocol and withdraw from NAFTA and the WTO. Replace the World Bank and the IMF with a single Islamic structure that doesn't charge interest. Offer tax credits for the purchase of small, fuel-efficient automobiles. Cut taxes for individuals and couples who decide not to reproduce. Make abortions available and free at shopping malls, along with blood- pressure and glucose-tolerance tests.
Cut the military budget in half to fund healthcare, childcare, education and job training. Cut the remaining half by another half to rebuild urban infrastructures and expand public transportation. Cut the remaining half in half and give it to the families of civilian casualties in Afghanistan and Iraq.
Restore full civil rights to convicted felons who have served their sentences in our gulags, the vast majority railroaded by the plea-bargaining process. Pay ex-convicts $100 an hour to meet their parole officers. Revise the grand jury system to allow defendants legal representation and the right to call their own witnesses. Simultaneously eliminate all plea bargaining so that every felony indictment results in a jury trial.
Restore the exclusive right of Congress to declare war, and declare any deployment of American troops 'war,' even if it's supposedly against abstractions like "drugs' or 'terror.' The only drug-related combat we need is a few years of intense forensic auditing of drug companies and punitive-damage awards to everyone they've overcharged. Make war profiteering and outsourcing of jobs federal crimes punishable by ten years of community service clearing litter from poor neighborhoods and seizure of corporate assets. Rescind the elements of the legal code that allow corporations to be considered 'persons.'
Make recreational drugs safer and available over the counter at pharmacies and liquor stores."
I was reading about this writer named Gary Indiana (& no, I don't just like him because of his name, although his real first name is Gary & he was born during the height of the popularity of the name Gary, thanks to the actor Gary Cooper, whose real name isn't Gary, but who was named Gary by his agent who was from - ta-da! - Gary, Indiana) & although I've never read any of his books, I remember reading something from him in The Nation about what he felt the Democrat's political platform should be in 2004, & while I am ordering one of his books online, I'll share this with you & hope it doesn't offend either him or The Nation:
"Ratify the Kyoto Protocol and withdraw from NAFTA and the WTO. Replace the World Bank and the IMF with a single Islamic structure that doesn't charge interest. Offer tax credits for the purchase of small, fuel-efficient automobiles. Cut taxes for individuals and couples who decide not to reproduce. Make abortions available and free at shopping malls, along with blood- pressure and glucose-tolerance tests.
Cut the military budget in half to fund healthcare, childcare, education and job training. Cut the remaining half by another half to rebuild urban infrastructures and expand public transportation. Cut the remaining half in half and give it to the families of civilian casualties in Afghanistan and Iraq.
Restore full civil rights to convicted felons who have served their sentences in our gulags, the vast majority railroaded by the plea-bargaining process. Pay ex-convicts $100 an hour to meet their parole officers. Revise the grand jury system to allow defendants legal representation and the right to call their own witnesses. Simultaneously eliminate all plea bargaining so that every felony indictment results in a jury trial.
Restore the exclusive right of Congress to declare war, and declare any deployment of American troops 'war,' even if it's supposedly against abstractions like "drugs' or 'terror.' The only drug-related combat we need is a few years of intense forensic auditing of drug companies and punitive-damage awards to everyone they've overcharged. Make war profiteering and outsourcing of jobs federal crimes punishable by ten years of community service clearing litter from poor neighborhoods and seizure of corporate assets. Rescind the elements of the legal code that allow corporations to be considered 'persons.'
Make recreational drugs safer and available over the counter at pharmacies and liquor stores."
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Matter
Here's a nice image I took from http://www.meta-synthesis.com/webbook/31_matter/matter.html:
I hope they don't mind if I reproduce it. I think it's cool.
That kind of matter of course is not the same matter as in the question "Does it matter?" which Self Help Radio attempted to answer last night. Do you want to know what the answer was? No? Not even a little? Oh. Well, if you change your mind, you can find out whether or not Self Help Radio thinks it matters by listening to last night's show at selfhelpradio.net. If I didn't answer the question, there's a few songs that did.
I hope they don't mind if I reproduce it. I think it's cool.
That kind of matter of course is not the same matter as in the question "Does it matter?" which Self Help Radio attempted to answer last night. Do you want to know what the answer was? No? Not even a little? Oh. Well, if you change your mind, you can find out whether or not Self Help Radio thinks it matters by listening to last night's show at selfhelpradio.net. If I didn't answer the question, there's a few songs that did.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Something About Menus
Do you know people who collect menus? I know one. One people who collects menus.
Why does this people collect menus? Wouldn't it be lonesome & hungry to sit in one's house, say, in Minnesota, while looking at a menu from, say, a lovely vegan restaurant in Brooklyn? Even if they delivered, it might be simpler to simply make a simple sandwich. Or a complex one. Though it's not as as tasty as the one that's on the menu. & what if the kid's on a bicycle? He could die in Cleveland!
Do you know people who can't decide what to order from most menus? I know several people like that. It makes eating out with them sometimes trying.
But I completely understand. If it's a great restaurant, like, say, a lovely vegan restaurant in Brooklyn, which you, living in, say, Minnesota, may not visit again for many months if not years, & who's to say it will still be there when you get back, you want to order the best food off the menu possible. What horrible regret faces you if you were to order the fourth- or fifth-best entree off the menu! Perhaps you should eat with people who will share with you.
Do you know of any radio show which has its own menu? I suppose that radio show would be more like a jukebox than a radio show. Is that what satellite radio is like? In any event, Self Help Radio has no menu. But it will be serving up its regular midnight snack tonight at midnight (that's why it's a midnight snack) on 88.1 fm WMUL in Huntington, & then as leftovers the next day at selfhelpradio.net. Bon appetit!
Why does this people collect menus? Wouldn't it be lonesome & hungry to sit in one's house, say, in Minnesota, while looking at a menu from, say, a lovely vegan restaurant in Brooklyn? Even if they delivered, it might be simpler to simply make a simple sandwich. Or a complex one. Though it's not as as tasty as the one that's on the menu. & what if the kid's on a bicycle? He could die in Cleveland!
Do you know people who can't decide what to order from most menus? I know several people like that. It makes eating out with them sometimes trying.
But I completely understand. If it's a great restaurant, like, say, a lovely vegan restaurant in Brooklyn, which you, living in, say, Minnesota, may not visit again for many months if not years, & who's to say it will still be there when you get back, you want to order the best food off the menu possible. What horrible regret faces you if you were to order the fourth- or fifth-best entree off the menu! Perhaps you should eat with people who will share with you.
Do you know of any radio show which has its own menu? I suppose that radio show would be more like a jukebox than a radio show. Is that what satellite radio is like? In any event, Self Help Radio has no menu. But it will be serving up its regular midnight snack tonight at midnight (that's why it's a midnight snack) on 88.1 fm WMUL in Huntington, & then as leftovers the next day at selfhelpradio.net. Bon appetit!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Whither Does It Matter?
I think I pointed out that this is only the third Self Help Radio that explicitly asks a question. (Other shows, of course, ask implicit questions, the most common of which is, "Why do they let this guy do a radio show?") I can't imagine why I haven't done more questions. Or maybe just formulated my themes more like questions, for example, "Cheese?"
The answer to which would of course be "Yes please!"
I do fear that Self Help Radio may get a bit too philosophical this week. I mean, "Does it matter?" Isn't that the sort of thing that short, bearded men in turtlenecks write big books about that are only read by their students? The truth is, I don't really know what I'm going to talk about. Y'see, one gets the idea for a show for whatever reason (a bolt from the blue, a telegram from one's mom, the desire to play a particular song on the radio & so constructing an entire show around it, etc.) & then one figures out what one is going to say in-between the songs. At least I suppose that's how it's done. I am like that dude from "Memento" - no, not buff, blonde & tattooed - I forget each radio show after I've done it. I'm surprised I haven't done this theme before. Or have I?
My one request is for the bands that I like to write more songs about cold noodles with sesame sauce. I would love to do any entire show about that. How delicious would that be? VERY DELICIOUS!
Also, does anyone else besides me think the word "makeshift" sounds naughty?
The answer to which would of course be "Yes please!"
I do fear that Self Help Radio may get a bit too philosophical this week. I mean, "Does it matter?" Isn't that the sort of thing that short, bearded men in turtlenecks write big books about that are only read by their students? The truth is, I don't really know what I'm going to talk about. Y'see, one gets the idea for a show for whatever reason (a bolt from the blue, a telegram from one's mom, the desire to play a particular song on the radio & so constructing an entire show around it, etc.) & then one figures out what one is going to say in-between the songs. At least I suppose that's how it's done. I am like that dude from "Memento" - no, not buff, blonde & tattooed - I forget each radio show after I've done it. I'm surprised I haven't done this theme before. Or have I?
My one request is for the bands that I like to write more songs about cold noodles with sesame sauce. I would love to do any entire show about that. How delicious would that be? VERY DELICIOUS!
Also, does anyone else besides me think the word "makeshift" sounds naughty?
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Preface To Does It Matter?: Well, Does It? Does It Really Matter?
I had planned to write something snarky for this post like "No. No, it doesn't."
But the new record by The Secret History came out this week, & I can't stop listening to it.
So sometimes, you know, everything seems like it matters.
But the new record by The Secret History came out this week, & I can't stop listening to it.
So sometimes, you know, everything seems like it matters.
Friday, March 26, 2010
YOUR Secret Name! LEARN It Now!
Did you know you had a Secret Name?!? You DO! Shhhhh! It's SECRET!
How do you find out your Secret Name? You CAN'T! It's a SECRET! You can't just go around telling people a Secret! It stops being a Secret then. Then it becomes Common Knowledge! Yes, even if only TWO PEOPLE know it. There's no in-between!
Do you know who knows your SECRET NAME? Somebody does! If no one knew, it would not be a Secret! It would be UNKNOWN! Nobody knows that which is UNKNOWN! Once someone knows the Unknown, it become the KNOWN.
Right now your Secret Name is KNOWN but it's UNKNOWN to you. It's a SECRET! Furthermore, if the one person who KNOWS your Secret Name told you, then it would no longer be a SECRET. The two of you would know it, & it would therefore become Common Knowledge! OH NO! What happens then? Then YOU would have to KILL the person who told you your Secret Name!
But that's MURDER! It's absolutely NECESSARY if you want to keep your Secret Name a SECRET! But surely there's ANOTHER WAY!
THERE IS!
MAKE UP your own Secret Name! Your own made-up Secret Name automatically TRUMPS any Secret Name you might have out there! Now you don't have to MURDER anyone! Unless you tell them your SECRET NAME!
Don't do that.
How do you find out your Secret Name? You CAN'T! It's a SECRET! You can't just go around telling people a Secret! It stops being a Secret then. Then it becomes Common Knowledge! Yes, even if only TWO PEOPLE know it. There's no in-between!
Do you know who knows your SECRET NAME? Somebody does! If no one knew, it would not be a Secret! It would be UNKNOWN! Nobody knows that which is UNKNOWN! Once someone knows the Unknown, it become the KNOWN.
Right now your Secret Name is KNOWN but it's UNKNOWN to you. It's a SECRET! Furthermore, if the one person who KNOWS your Secret Name told you, then it would no longer be a SECRET. The two of you would know it, & it would therefore become Common Knowledge! OH NO! What happens then? Then YOU would have to KILL the person who told you your Secret Name!
But that's MURDER! It's absolutely NECESSARY if you want to keep your Secret Name a SECRET! But surely there's ANOTHER WAY!
THERE IS!
MAKE UP your own Secret Name! Your own made-up Secret Name automatically TRUMPS any Secret Name you might have out there! Now you don't have to MURDER anyone! Unless you tell them your SECRET NAME!
Don't do that.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I Lost Consciousness For A Bit There
& when I awoke, there was an entire radio show finished. Which is funny. I've never blacked out during a radio show before.
You can explore with me what happened during those missing ninety minutes at selfhelpradio.net. It's a little weird - while I was unconscious, I did a radio show about unconsciousness.
I guess I'm glad I wasn't shot. I would've bled out trying to play songs about getting shot!
You can explore with me what happened during those missing ninety minutes at selfhelpradio.net. It's a little weird - while I was unconscious, I did a radio show about unconsciousness.
I guess I'm glad I wasn't shot. I would've bled out trying to play songs about getting shot!
Monday, March 22, 2010
818 CE!
Okay, virtually nothing happened in 818 CE. (I do use the secular "CE" for "common era," rather than the front-loaded Christian nomenclature "AD," which stands for "Anno Domini," which is Latin for "In the year of the Lord," a reference to Jesus/God, not to Zeus, in which case I'd probably use it.)
Here's all it says on the Wikipedia page about 818: "Bishop Theodulf of Orléans is deposed & imprisoned, after becoming involved in a conspiracy of King Bernard of Italy against Louis the Pious." It was four years after the death of Charlemagne, so the confusion at the end of his reign was just beginning. The Crusades were nearly three centuries away.
Here's a map of the "Eastern Hemisphere" at the beginning of the 9th century. Here's a map of the same part of the world at the end of the 9th century. So a lot of shit would happen in the 9th century. Just not in 818 CE.
Here's a list of stuff that happened in the 9th century.
How about them Arctic Marine Mammal Hunters? Don't you think that that would be an awesome name for a band? How long do you think they'd be hollered at by people at PETA?
Hey! Fans of the Western Hemisphere! There weren't any kingdoms like in Asia or Europe, by the Maya & the Aztec were getting the party started right, & in North America there were the Mound Builders, still going strong.
Sorry if you were expecting more exciting news about 818 CE. Might you be excited that there's a new Self Help Radio tonight at midnight on 88.1 WMUL in Huntington? Or that it will be archived tomorrow at selfhelpradio.net? No?
You're hard to please.
Here's all it says on the Wikipedia page about 818: "Bishop Theodulf of Orléans is deposed & imprisoned, after becoming involved in a conspiracy of King Bernard of Italy against Louis the Pious." It was four years after the death of Charlemagne, so the confusion at the end of his reign was just beginning. The Crusades were nearly three centuries away.
Here's a map of the "Eastern Hemisphere" at the beginning of the 9th century. Here's a map of the same part of the world at the end of the 9th century. So a lot of shit would happen in the 9th century. Just not in 818 CE.
Here's a list of stuff that happened in the 9th century.
How about them Arctic Marine Mammal Hunters? Don't you think that that would be an awesome name for a band? How long do you think they'd be hollered at by people at PETA?
Hey! Fans of the Western Hemisphere! There weren't any kingdoms like in Asia or Europe, by the Maya & the Aztec were getting the party started right, & in North America there were the Mound Builders, still going strong.
Sorry if you were expecting more exciting news about 818 CE. Might you be excited that there's a new Self Help Radio tonight at midnight on 88.1 WMUL in Huntington? Or that it will be archived tomorrow at selfhelpradio.net? No?
You're hard to please.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Whither Unconsciousness?
What's the difference between the unconscious & the subconscious? That's simple. The unconscious is a theoretical (from Freudian "psychology") state wherein things which you've repressed (like childhood trauma, or wanting to have sex with your parents) are hidden. The subconscious is the state just below your conscious state, where things you know are stored & to which you have relatively easy access. Like, say, the address of a friend in another state to whom you've written a lot. You have to recall it when you're writing out the envelope - it's not always in the forefront of your mind.
"Unconscious" of course also means the state of not being conscious, & that's how Self Help Radio will use it this week, because we're not Freudians. The things that Freud said which could be experimented for their scientific validity were long ago proven untrue, & the things he said which couldn't be falsified are not scientific any way. Not that that bothers Freudians, of course. They like the ideas & will run with them, which is a very human thing to do. But I & everyone at Self Help Radio (which is basically only me) like science better.
This show, haters, is not my answer to critics who have called me a "blackout drunk." First of all, I have no critics, since that would require listeners, which I'm also pretty sure I don't have. Secondly, the only person who would even know about me being a "blackout drunk" is Drunk Gary, who I turn into when I drink. I don't remember anything Drunk Gary does & vice-versa, although he's begun leaving me nearly indecipherable notes on the computer before he goes to bed, like this one, which says, "yr kriks say yr a blakout drnk." But, as you can plainly see, what he writes makes absolutely no sense.
"Unconscious" of course also means the state of not being conscious, & that's how Self Help Radio will use it this week, because we're not Freudians. The things that Freud said which could be experimented for their scientific validity were long ago proven untrue, & the things he said which couldn't be falsified are not scientific any way. Not that that bothers Freudians, of course. They like the ideas & will run with them, which is a very human thing to do. But I & everyone at Self Help Radio (which is basically only me) like science better.
This show, haters, is not my answer to critics who have called me a "blackout drunk." First of all, I have no critics, since that would require listeners, which I'm also pretty sure I don't have. Secondly, the only person who would even know about me being a "blackout drunk" is Drunk Gary, who I turn into when I drink. I don't remember anything Drunk Gary does & vice-versa, although he's begun leaving me nearly indecipherable notes on the computer before he goes to bed, like this one, which says, "yr kriks say yr a blakout drnk." But, as you can plainly see, what he writes makes absolutely no sense.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Preface To Unconsciousness: Are You All Right?
On a Princeton University page dealing with alcohol-related issues (vis a vis students & their drinking habits), they have this pearl of wisdom: "Do not assume an unconscious person is sleeping. The individual may be suffering from alcohol poisoning." Or worse!
I was going to try to dig through the internets to find that possibly anecdotal (or do I mean apocryphal?) study wherein psychologists tracked the amount of time it took city folk to respond to someone unconscious in the street as opposed to country folk. I know I have passed unconscious people, but usually they look like they're asleep (although it might be alcohol-induced) & they also look like they basically live on the streets. Still, I always feel bad.
I have never seen someone go from consciousness to unconsciousness on the streets. I think that would make me poop my pants. I have stepped in-between two people, in both fights & some dude hassling a chick, to prevent an event that might have ended up with one or both of them unconscious. Not because I am brave, as I am a coward, but because I hope my considerable bulk will seem scary to a person who's thinking of making another person unconscious.
What I do do is faint. I faint quite a bit. Not recently, but I think I've fainted enough to label myself a fainter. It's true! & most every time I've fainted, someone's helped me. But perhaps that's because I tend to faint around friends or classmates. & never, you know, on the street.
I was going to try to dig through the internets to find that possibly anecdotal (or do I mean apocryphal?) study wherein psychologists tracked the amount of time it took city folk to respond to someone unconscious in the street as opposed to country folk. I know I have passed unconscious people, but usually they look like they're asleep (although it might be alcohol-induced) & they also look like they basically live on the streets. Still, I always feel bad.
I have never seen someone go from consciousness to unconsciousness on the streets. I think that would make me poop my pants. I have stepped in-between two people, in both fights & some dude hassling a chick, to prevent an event that might have ended up with one or both of them unconscious. Not because I am brave, as I am a coward, but because I hope my considerable bulk will seem scary to a person who's thinking of making another person unconscious.
What I do do is faint. I faint quite a bit. Not recently, but I think I've fainted enough to label myself a fainter. It's true! & most every time I've fainted, someone's helped me. But perhaps that's because I tend to faint around friends or classmates. & never, you know, on the street.
Friday, March 19, 2010
If Only We Spoke The Truth...
A recently funny thing reminded me of a funny thing from many moons ago. This is apparently new(ish), & I found on Mark Evanier's blog:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFicqklGuB0
Which reminded him - & me - of a film called "Truth In Advertising," the full version of which I'd never seen. It's here:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1417085460030712897#
Please enjoy. One day I may even learn how to embed video. Not today!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFicqklGuB0
Which reminded him - & me - of a film called "Truth In Advertising," the full version of which I'd never seen. It's here:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1417085460030712897#
Please enjoy. One day I may even learn how to embed video. Not today!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Self Help Radio O'Clock
I am very lazy today & am just going to repeat here what I wrote on the Facebook Self Help Radio page. You should become a fan!
There are those who think that Self Help Radio doesn't tackle the tough & challenging issues of our day. They imagine the show is a frivolous, navel-gazing enterprise centered almost entirely around the quirks, idiosyncrasies, mental maladies & delusions of its host. Those people are entirely correct. However, occasionally Self Help Radio switches gears, puts on a shirt without holes in it, & looks difficult questions straight in the eye. So it happened this week, when Self Help Radio asked the question: What o'clock is it?
For though it was midnight in Huntington, it was not & could not be the same o'clock everywhere in the world. Who is to blame for this? What vast quasi-legal extra-governmental maneuvers made such a counter-intuitive world-view a reality? Self Help Radio decided to find out. Unfortunately, it didn't, but a radio show happened any way. Oh well.
The playlist is below. The show is at http://www.selfhelpradio.n
As always, thanks for listening. You're swell!
For though it was midnight in Huntington, it was not & could not be the same o'clock everywhere in the world. Who is to blame for this? What vast quasi-legal extra-governmental maneuvers made such a counter-intuitive world-view a reality? Self Help Radio decided to find out. Unfortunately, it didn't, but a radio show happened any way. Oh well.
The playlist is below. The show is at http://www.selfhelpradio.n
As always, thanks for listening. You're swell!
Monday, March 15, 2010
What O'Clock Is Self Help Radio Tonight?
It depends on where you are. For example, it will be on the air in Huntington when it is 5am in Frankfurt, but also when it is 6pm in Honolulu. But if you are in either of those places - or, really, anywhere but Huntington - it doesn't matter, because it airs live in Huntington on 88.1 fm WMUL & nowhere else. Nope! No streaming yet. But one day...
But of course I'll put the show soon after it airs on selfhelpradio.net, so it can air any time you want it to. It's just going to air originally at midnight tonight, so if you need to hear it as it happens, & not on some recording, then you need to get your ass to West Virginia toot sweet.
You have like thirteen hours. I'll be here when you get here. You crazy fool you.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Whither What O'Clock Is It?
Not terribly fun fact! In its infancy, Self Help Radio did a show about clocks! (On October 22, 2003!)
Corollary fun fact that is as equal in its lack of fun as the previous fun fact! This show will not be like that show at all!
Also not terribly fun fact! In the history of Self Help Radio (seven & a half years!) there has only been one (1) previous theme that's been a question! ("Are You Sure?" November 18, 2009!)
Darned uninteresting fun fact! In two (2) weeks, Self Help Radio will present another theme that is a question! ("Does It Matter?" March 29, 2010!)
These aren't fun facts! Why do you call them fun facts! They're not of interest to anyone but the host of Self Help Radio!
Well, you don't have to be so mean about it.