A Little Memphis At Night

The title is horribly misleading. I am in Memphis, but I am very tired, having driven from Dallas today (the wife did not drive, unless you count driving me crazy, which she didn't do). I am not going to experience Memphis at night, as I will go to sleep shortly after I write this. I had a lovely vacation that I am sad to see end, & it did not have the major frustrations of the Australia trip, although I did wake up this morning to the wife saying to me, "Um, either someone stole our car or it has been towed."

I was happy to visit with Josh & Scott & Karin & Pat & Mom in Dallas, & with Stacy & Kirk & Mike & Melinda & Joe & Suloni & Marcia & Anthony & Leah in Austin, as well as seeing my dear friends in Bearsuit again after two long years & also meeting Ryan & Ashleyanne in the same city. I am sorry I missed seeing Russell & Chris in Dallas. I am sad that I didn't see Edwyn Collins but I also didn't go looking for him so that might explain that. Though SXSW was happening, & you could tell by the even-worse-than-usual traffic, I deliberately did not look at who was playing where because I honestly didn't have the time to even see all the people I wanted to see.

Tomorrow we'll be in Lexington & life returns to normal which of course means a new Self Help Radio. I am looking forward to sleeping in my own bed with my own cats once again.

Hi Hiatus!

A hiatus is defined as "a gap or interruption in space, time, or continuity; a break." Normally the phrase is used (at least in my world) as a break between two seasons of a television show, as in "The Bob Denver Show is on hiatus." I am using it as a fancy word that means Self Help Radio will be taking a week off - by definition, it is a "hiatus," although the show really isn't "on hiatus" - for Spring Break. It'll be back on Tuesday the 22nd with a show about astronauts.

You can fill the sadness in your heart as you miss the show by listening to a year's worth of old shows at self help radio dot net. WARNING: do not listen to a year's worth of old shows of Self Help Radio. People will question your sense & your taste.

See you in ten days or so!

A Bagful Of Radio

Self Help Radio had this week many bags on it. So many, in fact, that people felt compelled to come by & either put things in them or look inside them to see if they contained anything. What kinds of bags? There was a comely antistatic bag; some unshaven & surly garbage & trash bags; polite & studious & sporty book bags & tote bags & duffel bags; official-looking burn bags & diplomatic bags & messenger bags; lonesome paper bags & plastic bags, envious of one another, wishing they were back in the supermarket, while some reusable shopping bags put on airs; & there were thermal bags, & money bags who insisted on calling themselves "purses" (the same thing was happening with some small bags who refused to join in the bag frenzy, claiming they were "pouches") & of course some travel bags who boldly declared they either be called baggage or their proper name, "suitcases," though there was no suit inside; sling bags; some air bags looking naked without an automobile or an accident; & a few sleeping bags which I thought were coming on to me.

It was tons of fun & you can listen to the show of course at self help radio dot net. As usual, the show is divided into two parts, & below is the playlist of the show, & which songs are on which part. The individual parts can be downloaded as such: part one & then part two.

Here's the playlist:

(part one)
"Bags" Public Image Limited _Compact Disc_
"Plastic Bag" X-Ray Spex _Germ-Free Adolescents_

"Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kit Bag" Minnutes _Pretty Baby_
"Little Green Bag" George Baker Selection _Colossus Gold_
"Bags Of Gold" Jay Jay Pistolet _Happy Birthday You_
"The Bag Hutch" Mr. Show _What To Think_
"Big Black Bag" Ed's Redeeming Qualities _At The Fish & Game Club_
"Fish Is In The Bag" Telephone Company _The King's Surprise?_

"Papa's Got A Brand New Bag (Parts 1, 2, & 3)" James Brown _Star Time_
"Mama's Got A Bag Of Her Own" Anna King _Soulin' Vol. 4_

(part two)
"That's The Bag I'm In" Fred Neil _The Many Sides Of Fred Neil_
"My Bag" Lloyd Cole _Mainstream_

"Carry Bag Man" The Fall _The Frenz Experiment_
"Bag Ladies & Bagmen" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"Head In My Bag" Birds With Ears _Youth In Asia_
"I'm Not Gonna Recycle My Paper Bags Anymore" The Symbolick Jews _Confession Time_
"Trick Bag" Artesians _Stomp! Northwest Killers 1960-1964_

"Scumbag" John Lennon & Frank Zappa _Sometime In New York City_
"Scumbag" Jobraith _Creatures Of The Street_
"Mr. Windbag" Derrick Harriot & The Revolutionaries _Reggae Chart Busters Seventies Style_

I am taking a week off to visit Austin for South By Cough Cough but will return in a fortnight with a show about astronauts. I hope you miss me, if only a little.

The Show Is In The Bag

That's a strange expression. Do you know where it comes from? Here's what they say on phrase dot org dot uk:

"An old superstition was revived at the Polo grounds, New York, recently when Eddie Sicking was dispatched to the clubhouse with the ball bag at the start of the ninth possession of one run lead. This superstition originated during the run of twenty-six consecutive victories made by the Giants in 1916, the significance of it resting in a belief that if the bag is carried off the field at that stage of the game with the Giants in the lead the game is in the bag and cannot be lost."

I don't want to let the cat out of the bag, but Self Help Radio's show about bags will air tonight at midnight. Hmm, that's a weird expression, too. I'll bet the Word Detective has a story about it. Yes, he does. What a strange story.

Still, this only scratches the surface of the bags that Self Help Radio will examine tonight at midnight. You can listen on the fm dial at the 88.1 frequency in Lexington, or you can listen online at wrfl dot fm. There will be bagfuls of fun, music, & perhaps even fun. I hope you'll listen!

Whither Bags?

Of all the bags one might hear on Self Help Radio this week, one will not hear about, nor actually hear the sound of, bagpipes.

Here is a picture of one bagpipe with its parts labelled, found on agezine dot blogspot dot com:



As one can plainly see, most of the bagpipe is taken up with the bag. That is all meet & proper.

One cannot plainly see, however, why a radio show about bags is neglecting the most obvious (arguably) musical instrument involving bags.

One bagpipe enthusiast, upon discovering this fact, attempted to organize a boycott of the show, even going so far as threatening an online petition against Self Help Radio (which frankly would have thrilled the owners of Self Help Radio) but his voice could not be heard above the cacophonous bleating of his fellow bagpipers.

Hail the bagpipe! Made your own sad noise, for Self Help Radio has neglected you.

Preface To Bags: Are You Using Your Own Bags?

Here in the - er - I guess it would be "north-east" of Kentucky - Wikipedia just says it's "located in the heart of Kentucky's Bluegrass region" - it looks kind of like it's center-north - I dunno - anyway in this region, the one main supermarket chain is Kroger, though everyone calls the place "Kroger's" as if it's somehow still owned by a friendly dude named Bernard in Cincinnati - which it was - but is now owned by the heir of a company that Kroger acquired in the 80s - anyway, Kroger has that self-check-out section that I kind of like where I don't have to interact with either check-out clerks or, worse, baggage boys. Patton Oswalt explains:



Again, I don't mind. But I do use my own bags. So when I put my bags where the godawful wasteful plastic bags are - seriously, it should be illegal to shop without your own bags - people just can't wait for this planet to die choking on the garbage we're filling it up with - anyway, when I put my bags down, the robot asks me, in a pleasant woman's voice, "Are you using your own bags?" I'll poke "√ yes" on the touchscreen, & then, because I usually have more than one bag, & there's space for four beside the computer, I'll add the rest, but every bag gets the same question: "Are you using your own bags?" After two "√ yes" pokes, a picture of a terrifyingly cheerful blonde Kroger worker appears & the soothing voice tells me, "Attendant has been notified to assist you." (It's also written on the screen in case I am a sociopath who can't hear "soothing" in voices.)

I'll note, it's never a terrifyingly cheerful blonde who helps me. At the Kroger near my house, it's usually an older Indian dude who seems pretty unhappy with his lot in life. It could be that he's an Indian dude in the sort-of center-north part of Kentucky (though it could be worse - it could be West Virginia) or it could be that he's just unfriendly. Either way, he usually walks over to me, gives me a dirty look, & punches a button on what looks like a tricoder. Then I can add other bags, or start checking out.

There's so much plastic out there. I am fascinated by what people call "the garbage island" in the Pacific Ocean, apparently now twice the size of Texas. They say in some places it's ninety feet deep. Here's a picture where it isn't:



Seeing stuff like that should make you take your own bags to grocery stores. Damn it!

One Hit Wanderer

This week's Self Help Radio will be the last one for a couple of weeks - a fortnight - as I take a brief weeklong break to travel to Dallas to see my mom & family, & then to Austin to see a few friends & maybe see a couple of bands, as we'll be there for the first couple of days of South By South West.

The comedian Jeff Sawyer wrote: "Middle Age defined: at a deli yesterday, I found myself trying to see around two gorgeous women to get a look at the food they were blocking." When I think about Austin - while I do want to see certain friends - I do think a lot about the food there. There are some places I'd like to see, but it's really more about the places I want to eat.

Austin keeps growing & changing & when I was there last May (I was also there last September, but only for a short stay) I was amazed at how much was different in one year - two years will probably have obliterated all of my memories. One of the great things about Huntington was that nothing much changed, & the main sort of change you could see was things simply rotting away from neglect & age.

(Of course, things change in a more dramatic way in this part of the world, mainly because of actually having seasons. Though it's still cold in Lexington, the trees have started to bud & soon spring will explode. I look forward to that. Although they do say there's a chance of snow tonight. That's just the way it goes.)

I don't think anyone will miss Self Help Radio if it takes a week off, but it is unusual for me to miss so many shows - I missed two or three weeks in December thanks to the Australia trip, & now this. It just seems rude. Though I could use a good road trip & of course some authentic Tex-Mex. Mmmmm.

All The Answers In Ninety Minutes

You are of course familiar with "the Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, & Everything," from The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, yes? If not, that answer was 42. The trouble was, (& this is why that answers is so funny) they hadn't really asked the question. They just wanted the answer. (If you haven't read the great Douglas Adams, you can read a discussion about this over on the Wikipedia.)

That's a long-winded way of saying that that's sort of what Self Help Radio was like this week. A lot of answers, not so many questions. In fact, the questions were often assumed in the songs. So, if the song said (as four of the songs I played did) "Love is the answer," you're left to wonder if the question is "What is the meaning of life?" or "What is an intense feeling of affection & care towards another person?" The Four Tops weren't about to tell us!

You can find as many answers as I could find over at self help radio dot net. There's also a new episode of Sugar Substitute which, at the very end, guest stars the young lady whose show follows mine. She brought a ukulele to a bar fight - & won!

Please enjoy this week's show full of answers. Next week, we'll have a show about bags, & you can use them to carry the answers away.

Plenty Of Answers - Tonight!

Plenty of answers! Or at least one! What answer? The answer to this question: "How many songs about answers can you fit into a ninety-minute radio show?" People of the world have been guessing that answer for a while, sort of like trying to figure out the number of jelly beans in a jar - but after tonight they will have to guess no more! The answer is forthcoming. & it may well be definitive.

As for other answers, well, it depends on the questions, right?

That's tonight, at midnight, on the radio dial at 88.1 fm in Lexington & the surrounding villas, & available most everywhere on the internets at http colon slash slash www dot wrfl dot fm. I would be happiest if you listened!

Whither Answers?

Q: Whom are you imitating now?
A: Why do you always assume I am imitating someone?
Q: Because you don't really have a style of your own.
A: Is that so.
Q: Yes, & usually you're paying some kind of "homage" or otherwise emulating, if not outright ripping off, some writer or comedian or something like that you've seen.
A: That's not fair!
Q: Didn't you once want to be a writer?
A: I did.
Q: & didn't you find it hard, after every book or short story you read, not to write exactly like the author?
A: ...
Q: Didn't you?
A: ...all right, sometimes.
Q: Didn't you once say that you could never be a musician because all of your songs would sound like your favorite band of the moment?
A: I never said that!
Q: Really?
A: I never did!
Q: I feel certain you're the one I heard say that.
A: It wasn't me!
Q: Sorry about that. It certainly seems like something you'd say.
A: Not at all. I am nowhere near being a musician, so I'd never idly speculate on what kind of music I'd make if I were a musician.
Q: Hmm.
A: Unless it was the catchall "crappy music."
Q: Now you're just being self-deprecating.
A: Does deprecating mean "honest"?
Q: I'm still not convinced this blog entry is entirely original.
A: Of course it's not original! Everything's been done before!
Q: Right, but this particular style, a dialog framed as a "question/answer" session, which really isn't one, but which is rather just a conversation between two people, therefore subverting the format of the "question/answer" kind. I really think someone else has done it before.
A: I'm just surprised you don't know who.
Q: Ah, so you admit it?
A: As long as you don't know who it is, I'm admitting nothing. It's like if I were on a desert island or in some isolated place that had never heard of, say, the Beatles, I would totally sing their songs & pretend they were mine if they got me some prestige.
Q: This is prestigious, mocking me?
A: It has its charms.
Q: You're a fool. I knew all along.
A: You did?
Q: Of course. Donald Barthelme.
A: Damn.

Preface To Answers: There Are No Answers Here

If there are no answers, are there only questions?

What if I wrote an entire blog entry about questions? Wouldn't that be ironic, while talking about a radio show purporting to be about answers? Who uses the word "purporting" anyway? Doesn't it sound a little pretentious?

Who wants to listen to a radio show with all the answers anyway? Aren't the questions what make life exciting? But aren't all these questions here the most simplistic form of questioning, which are yes/no questions? Do you even like yes/no questions? Aren't they the same as true/false questions? Don't you find them too simplistic & irksome?

Do you prefer multiple choice questions? Do you like it when a question is followed by the please, "if yes, why" & "if no, why not"? Or do you dread those kinds of questions? Why or why not?

Is this what people mean when they say "you're just arguing about semantics"? Or am I again just trying to be funny with something too obvious to be amusing? Wouldn't you naturally think of that, making a joke about "answers" by referring to "questions"? Have I taken it too far? Why do I always do this?

Do you know? Do you think I know? Do you think I'm going to surprise you by ending this series of questions with one declarative sentence? Would you find that hilarious?

Why or why not?

Help The Bearsuit Invade The United States!

One of my favorite bands ever is a rag-tag group of fab-fab kids from Norwich, England, called Bearsuit. (This is their website. This is their myspace page. This is their Facebook page.) They're coming to South By South West in Austin in a couple of weeks, & they need a little financial help. It's one of the few investments these days that actually has valuable returns - they get to keep making their wonderful music & can spread the word all over the world!

If you have a shilling to spare, please visit this page at wefund dot co dot uk to help them financially. I have!

I've met them, & they're as nice as their music is amazing. Help Bearsuit establish a foothold in this land!

With Bells On?

I resisted using the idiom "with bells on" - which means, in case you don't know, "eagerly, ready to participate" as in the cliché "I'll be there with bells on!" - all during my show (which did have lots of bells on it) & I am only using it now because I don't want to have to think of any more bell puns. Quite frankly I'm a little tired of bells. I keep making up new churches & what their bells say to the tune of the children's poem "Oranges & Lemons." That's how many bells are ringing in my head.

But! Last night's show was wonderful, & you should & can listen to it at self help radio dot net. It's there, along with last night's episode of Sugar Substitute. It is a small sample of the immense number of songs about bells out there, but not a very good sample of songs with bells in them, since that's not really what Self Help Radio does. Unless I want it to.

The show about bells rings out, calling everyone to it, like a giant bell in the middle of a Medieval village! Without, you know, all the cholera & stuff.

Bells Are Ringing!

To prepare you for tonight's Self Help Radio, which is about bells, please enjoy this odd YouTube video of famous bells in Europe:





Though that's pretty much the show I'm doing tonight, perhaps you'll still want to listen. It's at midnight Kentucky time, on the air in Lexington at 88.1 fm, online all over the world (except perhaps China & any Arab state in revolution) at WRFL dot FM.

Ask not for whom the Self Help Radio show about bells tolls. It's all for you!

Whither Bells?

Wow, there are a lot of songs about bells. Do you know which genre has the most songs about bells? You might guess something like electronica, or maybe jazz, but you'd be wrong. It's doo-wop. FUCKING doo-wop. Doo-wop, you know, defined as "a style of vocal-based rhythm & blues music, which developed in African-American communities in the 1940s & which achieved mainstream popularity in the 1950s & early 1960s." I swear to you, I listened to fifty or more doo-wop songs for this show. I might have more to listen to. I'm not done.

(Incidentally, while we call that music "doo-wop" now, the Wikipedia article I quote above points out that it wasn't used at the time, at least until 1961 or so.)

I thought, as I was listening to all that doo-wop, how interesting it might be to do a radio show - perhaps just one hour - that featured doo-wop, not only of the time, of course, but modern stuff too, if it exists, which I am sure it does. There are probably people who obsessively hoard it, & there are probably doo-wop shows on community &/or college radio stations right now. Why in fact there are!

The doo-wop songs I listened to were concerned with school bells, wedding bells, chapel bells, bells in their hearts, bells bells bells. I don't know if it's the subject matter - marriage, school, heartbreak - or the lovely sound of the word "bell" that made them want to sing so many songs about bells. Or maybe bells were more prominent in their world, in urban centers where doo-wop was born & flourished. The only bell I ever hear around here is from a church a few blocks to the south & frankly it's a bit anemic.

Preface To Bells: For Whom Do They Toll?

For me?

You know the John Donne poem, right?

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manner of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

That wasn't the inspiration for this show. It was the inspiration for at least two books - Hemingway's, of course, & I'm sure that someone has called a book "No Man Is An Island." In a way, Simon & Garfunkel's "I Am A Rock" is an answer song for this poem. But it wasn't the inspiration for this week's Self Help Radio.

Instead, I was listening to Phil Ochs a few months ago, & his "cover" of Poe's poem "The Bells." I looked up Poe's poem (you can read it yourself here) to see how well Ochs translated it into a song. I have always wanted to sing "The Raven." Ochs did an amazing job. & then I probably thought, maybe I should do a show about bells.

That's not a great story, so invent something about me being an in old church & a magical bell ringing out for the first time in ages. Perhaps insert a politician or sports hero you enjoy. Don't tell me who, though, because I probably wouldn't know who it was, or if I did, it might horrify me. You can think that's the story.

Also, why are you so afraid of poetry?

The Slightly Odd Return Of Self Help Radio Extra!

I listen to a lot of music, but at times I don't get to do a lot of radio shows, mostly getting one a week during my entire time on the radio. Also, some of the people who appreciate my musical taste don't necessarily want to listen to me yammer on about zombies & robots in-between songs. One simple solution for this dilemma was to make a mix CD for those people, put it up on my website, & call it something like "Self Help Radio Extra." I did that, starting in October of 2007, & more or less continued doing it up until sometime last year. I can hazard a guess why I stopped - I was doing a radio show & a weekly podcast, & then when we moved to Lexington, I was subbing a lot of shows on WRFL. But I had a little time this week & I thought I'd make a mix. For you. Here it is. On the Self Help Radio Extra page.

You may think there's a theme to the mix, but there really isn't. There's a reason it sort of looks the way it does, when you see the playlist, but I'm not going to tell you what the reason is, or why the reason is, or whatever. You can puzzle over it or you can listen to it or you can do neither because you don't care.

Self Help Radio Extra has returned. & you didn't even know it had gone anywhere!

Can You Hear Me Now? Oooomph!

As loud as Self Help Radio was last night, it was nowhere near loud enough to get everyone's attention, & as such, I am going to have to find another way to get everyone to look at me & listen to what I have to say & fall in love with me & think everything I say & do is valuable & adorable. Rats.

You control the loudness, though, so if you didn't catch the show, or caught it but had the volume down too low & need to listen to it again, or simply want to play it as loud as possible to scare all the cats in the neighborhood (or convince them to dance with you), you can listen to it now over at self help radio dot net. It's there now waiting for you to raise its decibels if that's your idea of fun.

Hey! Can you hear me? I'm writing in a whisper! Is it sexy? Or creepy? Or are you waiting for me to tell you a secret? I have no secrets. I'm just whispering to make everyone think I do. It seems counterintuitive but I think you can use an exclamation point in a whisper! It's just a louder whisper! Oh crap, why is it every time I whisper a librarian shows up to shush me?

The Loudest Radio Show Ever

I forgot to mention, with it being Valentine's Day & all, that you can still download the songs from the Self Help Radio Valentine's Day 2011 show, which was about love songs, at this link here. I'll leave the zip file there for a couple more days. Please to enjoy this (late, if you missed it) Valentine's Day gift from Self Help Radio to you.

Tonight, though, on 88.1 fm WRFL Lexington, Self Help Radio will be - well, not loud - I mean, as I've said before, you control the volume knob - so it's always as loud as you want it to be - but in its own head it will be the loudest radio show ever. Not because of its volume, or even because it's wearing gaudy clothing (though it will be), but because it's about loudness, & will explore loud in a way that presupposes volume. Or maybe supersedes volume. Or perhaps expands upon volume. Or maybe it would be better if I said it overtakes volume. All of these. Even, perchance, none of these. You know how it is.

That's tonight, midnight, on 88.1 in Lexington & all over the world at wrfl dot fm. It may be so loud, though, that you don't even have to have the radio on to listen.

Whither Loudness?

A decibel is a complicated thing (just read the wikipedia definition) but for our purposes here it is a measure of loudness. It measures power & intensity - in this case, the power & intensity of sound. When we speak to each other, for example, unless we have no indoor voice, we speak at around 60 decibels, or 60 dB. (Technically, it's dB(A), but I am a layperson & I will assume I'm not addressing an audio engineer or other smarty-pants in the world of sound measurement.) How does that compare with other sounds we hear?

The noise of a rocket taking off is 180 dB. A public library when the librarian is doing his or her job, 40 dB.

An air raid siren is about 130 dB. Leaves rustling, 30 dB.

Your typical night club is pretty loud at 110 dB. Your typical office, around 50 dB.

Oh, an important one for radio listeners: "amplified rock music" can be from 110 to 130 dB. A noisy restaurant is 70 dB.

A screaming child is as loud as a lawn mower is an loud as a "passing motorcycle": 90 dB.

You're lucky, though. You can control the volume knob on your radio. Self Help Radio need only be as loud as you want it to be. Some people, it must be said, turn it all the way down.