On The Off Chance

Does anyone ever really find love at the Consumer Design Expo? Even now, in what many have called the 21st century? Our man on the street, Dodger Rails, filed this report:

Thank you, Grimace. The 47th Annual Contumely Design Expo has risen from the ashes of the 22nd Bi-Annual Snake & Knife Show here at the Metropolitan Deranged Civic Center & what a crowd has turned out then turned away today! While the doors opened at 8am, to the dulcet tunes of power-rock band Kansas & their "Dumps In The Wind," retailers' alarm clocks were not set properly for Daylight Savings Time & they arrived late en masse to find confused visitors setting fire to their empty booths. By the time the National Guard arrived, there was nothing more to burn, so the National Guard set themselves on fire. Mayor Charles Clueless spoke briefly to reporters outside his Hairless McMansion:

We express our condolences & deepest prayers to the men & women who were so bravely lost on this, the nightmarish misunderstanding of consequence, & we encourage those who were not able to commit arson today to please return to the new, improved Expo tomorrow or possibly Thursday once the police tape is removed.

But what of the recession-hit people who paid to park in this smoldering parking lot? What happens to them? Their children? Their pensions & pet insurance?

I guess I'm sad, I've always wanted to see the new designs of the new-fangled consumer, but I was stuck in traffic listening to drive-time radio, so I wouldn't have been able to attend anyway. Now can I have my dog back, kind sir?

Reporting somewhat live from outside the ruins of the city gates, this is Codger Nails for High Tone News. Back to you, Grimley.

Last Night's Trip To Outer Space

Yes! Self Help Radio's show about astronauts (astronauts!) is now available online for your cosmic listening pleasure!

Oh, were you not as excited about it as I am? Sorry about that.

Still, if you'd like to enjoy it, it's there for you to enjoy. The show is waiting for you at Mission Control which is self help radio dot net. The show is ninety minutes long, & it's in two mp3s of somewhat equivalent length, part one & part two. The playlist is below. Enjoy!

(part one)
"Apollo XI" Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark _Sugar Tax_
"Chicken Astronaut" Five Du-Tones _Shakin' Fit_
"Masked Astronaut" The Jet Black Berries _Sundown On Venus_
"Why Go Up There" Tom Glazer & Dottie Evans _Space Songs_

"Space Oddity" Langley Schools Music Project _Innocence & Despair_
"Rocket Man" Fastbacks _Super Fantastic Mega Smash Hits!_
"Flash Bazbo, Space Explorer" National Lampoon _Buy This Box Or We'll Shoot This Dog: The Best Of The National Lampoon Radio Hour_
"Spaceman" Harry Nilsson _Son Of Schmilsson_
"Cosmonaut" Riff Raff _The Chiswick Story_

"Astronaut" Versus _Dead Leaves_
"Astronauts" Desk _Astronauts 7"_

(part two)
"The Astronauts" Wan Light _Labrador 100: A Complete History of Popular Music_
"I Am An Astronaut" Snow Patrol _Colours Are Brighter_
"Son Of An Astronaut" Butterflies _Butterflies_
"When I'm An Astronaut" Louis Philippe _Appointment With Venus_

"Ghosts Of American Astronauts" Mekons _So Good It Hurts_
"My Cosmonaut" Three Finger Cowboy _Kissed_
"Flash Bazbo, Space Explorer: Chapter 219" National Lampoon _Buy This Box Or We'll Shoot This Dog: The Best Of The National Lampoon Radio Hour_
"Space Race" Luke Vibert _Big Soup_
"Alan Bean" Hefner _Dead Media_

"A Day In Space" Ballboy _Club Anthems_

Next week's show is about rebels & rebellion. Is there something you want to hear? You can always write an email with requests &/or suggestions!

A Radio Show In Outer Space

Mission Control, this is Self Help Radio, prepared for take-off. Over.

That's right, Self Help Radio will be exploring astronauts tonight as it returns after a week's vacation, & we're hoping for clear skies over Cape Canaveral & a straight shot into the ether. That'll be midnight tonight, only on 88.1 fm in the town of Lexington, but you can track the flight anywhere in the world on the WRFL website in real time. Mission logs will be available for download tomorrow on self help radio dot net.

Is it easy to get drunk in zero gravity?

Whither Astronauts?

Lots of people - not enough, but a lot - make requests for themes for me to explore on the show. I might have previously complained about the more obvious themes people have suggested - songs about rain or cars or nouns - but I can't find a blog entry grumbling about it so I must have done it in private with you. Don't you remember?

For this week's show, the idea came a while back - maybe as far back as three years. My friend Leah, who works at KOOP Radio, & also does a fabulous show called Hip Hop Hooray, suggested that I do an astronaut show at some point before I left - & I left KOOP in 2008 - & I filed the idea away. It took a long time to make it from idear to radio show, but then again, look how long it took to get humans on the moon!

I also think that it's fun that I just visited with Leah in Austin this past week, & I'm about to do the show she requested. It's coincidental, I promise.

So the show is dedicated to Leah, who is, as far as I know, not an astronaut. But I wouldn't be surprised to discover otherwise!

Preface To Astronauts: First Deejay In Space!

An astronaut (from the Greek "astro," for star, & "naut," for sailor) is simply a person who has tried to sail the stars.

You may be surprised to know that over five hundred people have traveled in space. But only 24 have traveled beyond what is called "low Earth orbit," or beyond 100 - 1,240 miles above the Earth's surface. No one from Earth (that we can verify, anyway) has gone farther than the moon.

"Astronaut" & "cosmonaut" are synonyms. Some might disagree, saying that one is a capitalist & the other a communist. That seems so 1980s. Isn't everyone a capitalist now? Even the communists? I thought so.

Plans for a giant dance floor in space have so far not come to fruition, despite the advent of astronauts not trained by governments. Those astronauts are both capitalist & better-paid (probably) (who knows) (I don't really know) than government astronauts. That last sentence, I ought to really just delete it, because I made an assertion that just sort of spewed out my head onto this blog & didn't even make any sense when I wrote it. But having spent all this time - & three parenthetical expressions - talking about it, it seems weird to just give up on it. Kind of like the Space Program.

There are lots of space programs. I don't mean on the television. (There don't seem to be many of those being newly made these days.) I mean run by governments. Here's a colorful list. I hope more people get to go into space, but I'm not sure I'll be one of them.

I'd be scared of transporters, anyway.

A Little Memphis At Night

The title is horribly misleading. I am in Memphis, but I am very tired, having driven from Dallas today (the wife did not drive, unless you count driving me crazy, which she didn't do). I am not going to experience Memphis at night, as I will go to sleep shortly after I write this. I had a lovely vacation that I am sad to see end, & it did not have the major frustrations of the Australia trip, although I did wake up this morning to the wife saying to me, "Um, either someone stole our car or it has been towed."

I was happy to visit with Josh & Scott & Karin & Pat & Mom in Dallas, & with Stacy & Kirk & Mike & Melinda & Joe & Suloni & Marcia & Anthony & Leah in Austin, as well as seeing my dear friends in Bearsuit again after two long years & also meeting Ryan & Ashleyanne in the same city. I am sorry I missed seeing Russell & Chris in Dallas. I am sad that I didn't see Edwyn Collins but I also didn't go looking for him so that might explain that. Though SXSW was happening, & you could tell by the even-worse-than-usual traffic, I deliberately did not look at who was playing where because I honestly didn't have the time to even see all the people I wanted to see.

Tomorrow we'll be in Lexington & life returns to normal which of course means a new Self Help Radio. I am looking forward to sleeping in my own bed with my own cats once again.

Hi Hiatus!

A hiatus is defined as "a gap or interruption in space, time, or continuity; a break." Normally the phrase is used (at least in my world) as a break between two seasons of a television show, as in "The Bob Denver Show is on hiatus." I am using it as a fancy word that means Self Help Radio will be taking a week off - by definition, it is a "hiatus," although the show really isn't "on hiatus" - for Spring Break. It'll be back on Tuesday the 22nd with a show about astronauts.

You can fill the sadness in your heart as you miss the show by listening to a year's worth of old shows at self help radio dot net. WARNING: do not listen to a year's worth of old shows of Self Help Radio. People will question your sense & your taste.

See you in ten days or so!

A Bagful Of Radio

Self Help Radio had this week many bags on it. So many, in fact, that people felt compelled to come by & either put things in them or look inside them to see if they contained anything. What kinds of bags? There was a comely antistatic bag; some unshaven & surly garbage & trash bags; polite & studious & sporty book bags & tote bags & duffel bags; official-looking burn bags & diplomatic bags & messenger bags; lonesome paper bags & plastic bags, envious of one another, wishing they were back in the supermarket, while some reusable shopping bags put on airs; & there were thermal bags, & money bags who insisted on calling themselves "purses" (the same thing was happening with some small bags who refused to join in the bag frenzy, claiming they were "pouches") & of course some travel bags who boldly declared they either be called baggage or their proper name, "suitcases," though there was no suit inside; sling bags; some air bags looking naked without an automobile or an accident; & a few sleeping bags which I thought were coming on to me.

It was tons of fun & you can listen to the show of course at self help radio dot net. As usual, the show is divided into two parts, & below is the playlist of the show, & which songs are on which part. The individual parts can be downloaded as such: part one & then part two.

Here's the playlist:

(part one)
"Bags" Public Image Limited _Compact Disc_
"Plastic Bag" X-Ray Spex _Germ-Free Adolescents_

"Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kit Bag" Minnutes _Pretty Baby_
"Little Green Bag" George Baker Selection _Colossus Gold_
"Bags Of Gold" Jay Jay Pistolet _Happy Birthday You_
"The Bag Hutch" Mr. Show _What To Think_
"Big Black Bag" Ed's Redeeming Qualities _At The Fish & Game Club_
"Fish Is In The Bag" Telephone Company _The King's Surprise?_

"Papa's Got A Brand New Bag (Parts 1, 2, & 3)" James Brown _Star Time_
"Mama's Got A Bag Of Her Own" Anna King _Soulin' Vol. 4_

(part two)
"That's The Bag I'm In" Fred Neil _The Many Sides Of Fred Neil_
"My Bag" Lloyd Cole _Mainstream_

"Carry Bag Man" The Fall _The Frenz Experiment_
"Bag Ladies & Bagmen" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"Head In My Bag" Birds With Ears _Youth In Asia_
"I'm Not Gonna Recycle My Paper Bags Anymore" The Symbolick Jews _Confession Time_
"Trick Bag" Artesians _Stomp! Northwest Killers 1960-1964_

"Scumbag" John Lennon & Frank Zappa _Sometime In New York City_
"Scumbag" Jobraith _Creatures Of The Street_
"Mr. Windbag" Derrick Harriot & The Revolutionaries _Reggae Chart Busters Seventies Style_

I am taking a week off to visit Austin for South By Cough Cough but will return in a fortnight with a show about astronauts. I hope you miss me, if only a little.

The Show Is In The Bag

That's a strange expression. Do you know where it comes from? Here's what they say on phrase dot org dot uk:

"An old superstition was revived at the Polo grounds, New York, recently when Eddie Sicking was dispatched to the clubhouse with the ball bag at the start of the ninth possession of one run lead. This superstition originated during the run of twenty-six consecutive victories made by the Giants in 1916, the significance of it resting in a belief that if the bag is carried off the field at that stage of the game with the Giants in the lead the game is in the bag and cannot be lost."

I don't want to let the cat out of the bag, but Self Help Radio's show about bags will air tonight at midnight. Hmm, that's a weird expression, too. I'll bet the Word Detective has a story about it. Yes, he does. What a strange story.

Still, this only scratches the surface of the bags that Self Help Radio will examine tonight at midnight. You can listen on the fm dial at the 88.1 frequency in Lexington, or you can listen online at wrfl dot fm. There will be bagfuls of fun, music, & perhaps even fun. I hope you'll listen!

Whither Bags?

Of all the bags one might hear on Self Help Radio this week, one will not hear about, nor actually hear the sound of, bagpipes.

Here is a picture of one bagpipe with its parts labelled, found on agezine dot blogspot dot com:



As one can plainly see, most of the bagpipe is taken up with the bag. That is all meet & proper.

One cannot plainly see, however, why a radio show about bags is neglecting the most obvious (arguably) musical instrument involving bags.

One bagpipe enthusiast, upon discovering this fact, attempted to organize a boycott of the show, even going so far as threatening an online petition against Self Help Radio (which frankly would have thrilled the owners of Self Help Radio) but his voice could not be heard above the cacophonous bleating of his fellow bagpipers.

Hail the bagpipe! Made your own sad noise, for Self Help Radio has neglected you.

Preface To Bags: Are You Using Your Own Bags?

Here in the - er - I guess it would be "north-east" of Kentucky - Wikipedia just says it's "located in the heart of Kentucky's Bluegrass region" - it looks kind of like it's center-north - I dunno - anyway in this region, the one main supermarket chain is Kroger, though everyone calls the place "Kroger's" as if it's somehow still owned by a friendly dude named Bernard in Cincinnati - which it was - but is now owned by the heir of a company that Kroger acquired in the 80s - anyway, Kroger has that self-check-out section that I kind of like where I don't have to interact with either check-out clerks or, worse, baggage boys. Patton Oswalt explains:



Again, I don't mind. But I do use my own bags. So when I put my bags where the godawful wasteful plastic bags are - seriously, it should be illegal to shop without your own bags - people just can't wait for this planet to die choking on the garbage we're filling it up with - anyway, when I put my bags down, the robot asks me, in a pleasant woman's voice, "Are you using your own bags?" I'll poke "√ yes" on the touchscreen, & then, because I usually have more than one bag, & there's space for four beside the computer, I'll add the rest, but every bag gets the same question: "Are you using your own bags?" After two "√ yes" pokes, a picture of a terrifyingly cheerful blonde Kroger worker appears & the soothing voice tells me, "Attendant has been notified to assist you." (It's also written on the screen in case I am a sociopath who can't hear "soothing" in voices.)

I'll note, it's never a terrifyingly cheerful blonde who helps me. At the Kroger near my house, it's usually an older Indian dude who seems pretty unhappy with his lot in life. It could be that he's an Indian dude in the sort-of center-north part of Kentucky (though it could be worse - it could be West Virginia) or it could be that he's just unfriendly. Either way, he usually walks over to me, gives me a dirty look, & punches a button on what looks like a tricoder. Then I can add other bags, or start checking out.

There's so much plastic out there. I am fascinated by what people call "the garbage island" in the Pacific Ocean, apparently now twice the size of Texas. They say in some places it's ninety feet deep. Here's a picture where it isn't:



Seeing stuff like that should make you take your own bags to grocery stores. Damn it!

One Hit Wanderer

This week's Self Help Radio will be the last one for a couple of weeks - a fortnight - as I take a brief weeklong break to travel to Dallas to see my mom & family, & then to Austin to see a few friends & maybe see a couple of bands, as we'll be there for the first couple of days of South By South West.

The comedian Jeff Sawyer wrote: "Middle Age defined: at a deli yesterday, I found myself trying to see around two gorgeous women to get a look at the food they were blocking." When I think about Austin - while I do want to see certain friends - I do think a lot about the food there. There are some places I'd like to see, but it's really more about the places I want to eat.

Austin keeps growing & changing & when I was there last May (I was also there last September, but only for a short stay) I was amazed at how much was different in one year - two years will probably have obliterated all of my memories. One of the great things about Huntington was that nothing much changed, & the main sort of change you could see was things simply rotting away from neglect & age.

(Of course, things change in a more dramatic way in this part of the world, mainly because of actually having seasons. Though it's still cold in Lexington, the trees have started to bud & soon spring will explode. I look forward to that. Although they do say there's a chance of snow tonight. That's just the way it goes.)

I don't think anyone will miss Self Help Radio if it takes a week off, but it is unusual for me to miss so many shows - I missed two or three weeks in December thanks to the Australia trip, & now this. It just seems rude. Though I could use a good road trip & of course some authentic Tex-Mex. Mmmmm.

All The Answers In Ninety Minutes

You are of course familiar with "the Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, & Everything," from The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, yes? If not, that answer was 42. The trouble was, (& this is why that answers is so funny) they hadn't really asked the question. They just wanted the answer. (If you haven't read the great Douglas Adams, you can read a discussion about this over on the Wikipedia.)

That's a long-winded way of saying that that's sort of what Self Help Radio was like this week. A lot of answers, not so many questions. In fact, the questions were often assumed in the songs. So, if the song said (as four of the songs I played did) "Love is the answer," you're left to wonder if the question is "What is the meaning of life?" or "What is an intense feeling of affection & care towards another person?" The Four Tops weren't about to tell us!

You can find as many answers as I could find over at self help radio dot net. There's also a new episode of Sugar Substitute which, at the very end, guest stars the young lady whose show follows mine. She brought a ukulele to a bar fight - & won!

Please enjoy this week's show full of answers. Next week, we'll have a show about bags, & you can use them to carry the answers away.

Plenty Of Answers - Tonight!

Plenty of answers! Or at least one! What answer? The answer to this question: "How many songs about answers can you fit into a ninety-minute radio show?" People of the world have been guessing that answer for a while, sort of like trying to figure out the number of jelly beans in a jar - but after tonight they will have to guess no more! The answer is forthcoming. & it may well be definitive.

As for other answers, well, it depends on the questions, right?

That's tonight, at midnight, on the radio dial at 88.1 fm in Lexington & the surrounding villas, & available most everywhere on the internets at http colon slash slash www dot wrfl dot fm. I would be happiest if you listened!

Whither Answers?

Q: Whom are you imitating now?
A: Why do you always assume I am imitating someone?
Q: Because you don't really have a style of your own.
A: Is that so.
Q: Yes, & usually you're paying some kind of "homage" or otherwise emulating, if not outright ripping off, some writer or comedian or something like that you've seen.
A: That's not fair!
Q: Didn't you once want to be a writer?
A: I did.
Q: & didn't you find it hard, after every book or short story you read, not to write exactly like the author?
A: ...
Q: Didn't you?
A: ...all right, sometimes.
Q: Didn't you once say that you could never be a musician because all of your songs would sound like your favorite band of the moment?
A: I never said that!
Q: Really?
A: I never did!
Q: I feel certain you're the one I heard say that.
A: It wasn't me!
Q: Sorry about that. It certainly seems like something you'd say.
A: Not at all. I am nowhere near being a musician, so I'd never idly speculate on what kind of music I'd make if I were a musician.
Q: Hmm.
A: Unless it was the catchall "crappy music."
Q: Now you're just being self-deprecating.
A: Does deprecating mean "honest"?
Q: I'm still not convinced this blog entry is entirely original.
A: Of course it's not original! Everything's been done before!
Q: Right, but this particular style, a dialog framed as a "question/answer" session, which really isn't one, but which is rather just a conversation between two people, therefore subverting the format of the "question/answer" kind. I really think someone else has done it before.
A: I'm just surprised you don't know who.
Q: Ah, so you admit it?
A: As long as you don't know who it is, I'm admitting nothing. It's like if I were on a desert island or in some isolated place that had never heard of, say, the Beatles, I would totally sing their songs & pretend they were mine if they got me some prestige.
Q: This is prestigious, mocking me?
A: It has its charms.
Q: You're a fool. I knew all along.
A: You did?
Q: Of course. Donald Barthelme.
A: Damn.

Preface To Answers: There Are No Answers Here

If there are no answers, are there only questions?

What if I wrote an entire blog entry about questions? Wouldn't that be ironic, while talking about a radio show purporting to be about answers? Who uses the word "purporting" anyway? Doesn't it sound a little pretentious?

Who wants to listen to a radio show with all the answers anyway? Aren't the questions what make life exciting? But aren't all these questions here the most simplistic form of questioning, which are yes/no questions? Do you even like yes/no questions? Aren't they the same as true/false questions? Don't you find them too simplistic & irksome?

Do you prefer multiple choice questions? Do you like it when a question is followed by the please, "if yes, why" & "if no, why not"? Or do you dread those kinds of questions? Why or why not?

Is this what people mean when they say "you're just arguing about semantics"? Or am I again just trying to be funny with something too obvious to be amusing? Wouldn't you naturally think of that, making a joke about "answers" by referring to "questions"? Have I taken it too far? Why do I always do this?

Do you know? Do you think I know? Do you think I'm going to surprise you by ending this series of questions with one declarative sentence? Would you find that hilarious?

Why or why not?

Help The Bearsuit Invade The United States!

One of my favorite bands ever is a rag-tag group of fab-fab kids from Norwich, England, called Bearsuit. (This is their website. This is their myspace page. This is their Facebook page.) They're coming to South By South West in Austin in a couple of weeks, & they need a little financial help. It's one of the few investments these days that actually has valuable returns - they get to keep making their wonderful music & can spread the word all over the world!

If you have a shilling to spare, please visit this page at wefund dot co dot uk to help them financially. I have!

I've met them, & they're as nice as their music is amazing. Help Bearsuit establish a foothold in this land!

With Bells On?

I resisted using the idiom "with bells on" - which means, in case you don't know, "eagerly, ready to participate" as in the cliché "I'll be there with bells on!" - all during my show (which did have lots of bells on it) & I am only using it now because I don't want to have to think of any more bell puns. Quite frankly I'm a little tired of bells. I keep making up new churches & what their bells say to the tune of the children's poem "Oranges & Lemons." That's how many bells are ringing in my head.

But! Last night's show was wonderful, & you should & can listen to it at self help radio dot net. It's there, along with last night's episode of Sugar Substitute. It is a small sample of the immense number of songs about bells out there, but not a very good sample of songs with bells in them, since that's not really what Self Help Radio does. Unless I want it to.

The show about bells rings out, calling everyone to it, like a giant bell in the middle of a Medieval village! Without, you know, all the cholera & stuff.

Bells Are Ringing!

To prepare you for tonight's Self Help Radio, which is about bells, please enjoy this odd YouTube video of famous bells in Europe:





Though that's pretty much the show I'm doing tonight, perhaps you'll still want to listen. It's at midnight Kentucky time, on the air in Lexington at 88.1 fm, online all over the world (except perhaps China & any Arab state in revolution) at WRFL dot FM.

Ask not for whom the Self Help Radio show about bells tolls. It's all for you!

Whither Bells?

Wow, there are a lot of songs about bells. Do you know which genre has the most songs about bells? You might guess something like electronica, or maybe jazz, but you'd be wrong. It's doo-wop. FUCKING doo-wop. Doo-wop, you know, defined as "a style of vocal-based rhythm & blues music, which developed in African-American communities in the 1940s & which achieved mainstream popularity in the 1950s & early 1960s." I swear to you, I listened to fifty or more doo-wop songs for this show. I might have more to listen to. I'm not done.

(Incidentally, while we call that music "doo-wop" now, the Wikipedia article I quote above points out that it wasn't used at the time, at least until 1961 or so.)

I thought, as I was listening to all that doo-wop, how interesting it might be to do a radio show - perhaps just one hour - that featured doo-wop, not only of the time, of course, but modern stuff too, if it exists, which I am sure it does. There are probably people who obsessively hoard it, & there are probably doo-wop shows on community &/or college radio stations right now. Why in fact there are!

The doo-wop songs I listened to were concerned with school bells, wedding bells, chapel bells, bells in their hearts, bells bells bells. I don't know if it's the subject matter - marriage, school, heartbreak - or the lovely sound of the word "bell" that made them want to sing so many songs about bells. Or maybe bells were more prominent in their world, in urban centers where doo-wop was born & flourished. The only bell I ever hear around here is from a church a few blocks to the south & frankly it's a bit anemic.