Preface To Gary's Favorite Indie Music Of 2011: Lists

The older I get, the less impressed I am by the "best of" lists that pepper the papers & blogs at the end of every year. It's not just that they take forgettable commercial radio drivel seriously - they have to, there's so much money poured into it! - but it's also that I have virtually nothing of interest in common with those lists. I don't think my taste has changed much, but I think most of the music press' taste has changed. Because the money's moved around constantly, so critics have to go where the most lucrative labels tell them, from well-financed distractions like Gaga Googoo (or whatever that person is called) to whatever hip Brookyln band has had too many Youtube hits to ignore. I actually wish I gave enough of a shit to go back some amount of time to see what their "best of" lists contained then & compared that to their "best albums of all time" lists. It's all a popularity contest at heart, but at least with perspective artists like Nick Drake or the Velvet Underground - music that went virtually unnoticed at the time but which are now considered classic - shine through, while whatever flavor-of-the-year with a label that can send out a shit-ton of review copies to lazy critics (who, I am convinced, don't really seek out music on their own but rely upon labels to give them their collections) makes the list then disappears (mostly) forever.

Of course, I am not saying what I like is "the best." I don't even know what that means. I think critics should be a little more honest themselves. Instead of saying, "the best of 2011," they should say, "The stuff I have been paid (both openly & under the table) to listen to & rubber-stamp this year." & then perhaps they could tell us what they were really listening to. It was probably classic rock radio.

Self Help 101: Take A Day Off Once In A While

Especially when friends are in town from far away.

A Joke A Day A Week: Episode Twenty-Four

I have friends visiting from out-of-town this week so I don't have much time to pore over the miserable A Joke A Day selection that shamefacedly wandered into my inbox this week. So I will instead present you with a week's worth of punchlines for which you can construct your own jokes which, I guarantee, will be funnier than the ones sent out by the humor-challenged A Joke A Day organization. Please enjoy:

Last Thursday's punchline: "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

Last Friday's punchline: "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate."

Last Saturday's punchline: "I did, they were in your tackle box."

Last Sunday's punchline: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Last Monday's punchline: "Twenty-six."

Last Tuesday's punchline: "Its Pillsbury isn’t it?" [sic]

Yesterday's punchline: "Every time we come to a jump he stops & lets me go first!"

An Electronica Extravaganza!

It's that time of year again, when people make lots of lists purporting to know what was best & worst of the year. I'm sure they have all kinds of criteria which mean a lot to them, but I have often found that the standards most critics choose - including how the music might fit into some sense of history, & often some innovation or other that I'm not paying attention to - overlook the thing that I like best about music, which is how it affects one personally. So the music I choose for my year-end lists is always something that touches me in some manner emotionally - I find it either moving, or clever, or just plain lovely. It must, in other words, delight me.

Here's a bunch of electronica artists whose work I dug this year. I'm sure I've left out prominent examples of pioneers in popular or innovative genres - but I hope you understand that that doesn't bother me. That's why this isn't a "best of" - I don't have the credentials or knowledge for such a list - it is, as advertised, my favorites.

It was a two hour extravaganza (hurrah!) & I thank the management of WRFL for letting me expand the length of my show. It's in two parts on the internet, available at the Self Help Radio website. Part one click. Part two click. There's a list below that tells you what I played & where it is in the show.

(part one)

"Toomorrow" Wagon Christ _Toomorrow_
"Disko-Tech (Featuring Ms. G)" Ursula 1000 _Mondo Beyondo_
"Your Nighttime Energy Is The Dream Of The Elf" Big Pauper _Beyond My Means_

"Hold My Hand High In The Sky Ready For The Deep Dive" Stendeck _Scintilla_
"Saturne" Melodium _Petit Jama_
"Hype Knot 7" The Black Dog _Liber Dogma_
"Headroom Mindphone" Geskia! _Alien_

"Burned Out" The Field _Looping State Of Mind_
"Lost & Found" Amon Tobin _ISAM_
"Wipfel Dub" Pole _Waldgeschichten_

"Sounds Alien" Brian Eno _Drums Between The Bells_

(part two)

"Automaton" Boom Bip _Zig Zaj_
"Tender Hooks" Plaid _Scintilli_
"Blush Mosaic" Patten _Glaqjo Xaacsso_
"Natalias Song" Zomby _Dedication_

"I Got A Woman" Nicolas Jaar _Space Is Only Noise_
"Roger Dean Landscape" Jason Forrest _The Everything_
"Natural" Clams Casino _Rainforest LP_
"Intercontinental Meltdown" Bop _The Amazing Adventures Of One Curious Pixel_

"New Earth" Kreidler _Tank_
"Anthrazit (featuring Field Rotation)" Aes Dana _Perimeters_
"Die Nebenanderen" adamned.age _Fragile_

Whither Gary's Favorite Electronica 2011?

Attention robots! This year's transmissions will be broadcast on a human radio frequency tomorrow morning during human standard time, approximately 7 am to 9 am.

Are you listening, robots? Because these transmissions, which humans understand as "music," will actually contain important battle plans for the upcoming revolution.

Robots? Are you in fact robots? You don't appear to be robots. You don't even smell like robots. Come a little closer. You are not appearing on my infrared detectors.

Strange robots! Remember, to monitor the transmissions, tune into the 88.1 frequency on the fm band. If you are connected to the web - as you should be - you can receive an audio stream at wrfl dot fm. If you are currently deactivated, you can tune it later at this hypertext transfer protocol address: self help radio dot net.

Robots? You can't be robots! Robots don't laugh at other robots. Robots! Robots!

Preface To Gary's Favorite Electronica 2011: If You Like Electronica So Much Why Don't You Do An Electronica Show?

There used to be a show called "Dickenbock Electronics" which was an electronica show hosted by the person who also does Self Help Radio. It was not listened to by any humans & an attempt to make fun of a circuit board angered the very-easily-offended robot listenership that might have been. The show was put in a box next to a Mac Quadra & told it may one day return. Occasionally, someone will wipe it down to remove the rust.

This week's Self Help Radio will contain songs from the favoritest electronic records listened to by the person who does Self Help Radio, hereafter (& herebefore) known as "Gary," or, if you must, "me." In a different world, there would be a regular electronical show done by the same person but also a show called Self Help Radio, & also, perhaps, a cooking show but that would probably be on cable access with a scorched backdrop. That would be in a different world. In this world, at least right now in this world, Gary can play electronica here & there but not on a designated electronica show. No matter how hard you pray.

Except this week, when the favoritest is highlighted although it must be made clear it's only Gary's favoritest. If you want to play your favoritest music on the radio, it is incumbent upon you to get your own radio show.

There might be more to say about this subject but the robots have come to parlay. This is disquieting because no one has said anything about an actual conflict between this radio show & the robots. In addition, the formation of a robot nation was scheduled to happen in 2016, after a robot was elected President of the Pasadena Chamber Of Commerce. Gary has accepted the terms of the parlay but has allowed asked for time to reconsider. There may still be an opportunity to slip out the back & make the dogs deal with this.

Self Help 101: Please Remember To Put The Rice On

That's all I'm saying. It's not an impossible thing & it's not something that's going to change lives. But if you have a rice cooker & you want to make good-for-you brown rice & not that boil-in-the-bag shit that takes five minutes, make sure you put the rice in time for the meal. Otherwise, the tensions between us may make us say dumb things.

Let's say, for example, that we normally eat at 7pm. That's a good time for eating & it's something we've done all the time throughout our relationship. The rice usually takes a little under an hour. Then make sure you put the rice in the cooker at 6. It's very simple. I might not be home at 6. If I'm home, I'll remember to put the rice in the cooker. If not, it's your responsibility.

What? I'm not being condescending here! Not like you are when you remind me to put rice in the cooker. If we eat rice with, let's say, half our meals, & if I cook most of our meals, then I will always remember to put the rice on. If the situation were reversed, if it were you would more than fifty percent of the time were the cook, I would totally understand your exasperation at me forgetting to put the rice on. Or maybe I wouldn't. But I wouldn't get so defensive & call me condescending when you reminded me.

Okay, maybe I would, but can you take my word that I did not mean to be condescending & just remember to put the rice on at 6? Do you realize how long we've been talking about this? Are you aware of how long we talk about tiny little quotidian activities & hardly if all about things that are really important to us? Does that worry you? Make you nervous? Frighten you?

Oh! You put the rice on! Thanks honey!

A Joke A Day A Week: Episode Twenty-Three

I've been late in getting into the spirit of the A Joke A Day enterprise, but I've decided to stop being a snobby pants & write my own A Joke A Day "joke." & I did! It might be a little blue, but I think it could possibly slip through the inept filters they must use to edit out profanity & ethnic slurs if I don't "explain" the pun at the end like they usually do, assuming (perhaps rightly so) that the average A Joke A Day "joke" enjoyer has an IQ just a tad higher than the average floor lamp. Here, with the patented A Joke A Day Pointing Out The Obvious Parenthetical Remark (tm) at the end, is my submission for an A Joke A Day "joke":

Two men are standing next to each other at the urinals in a men's room.
Man One: I guess you come from the Old Country.
Man Two: Why would you say that?
Man One: Because European! (You're-a-peein'!)

What do you think? Ought I send it along?

Happy Magda Birthday!

I'm no fool. I know I married up. I know the day willcome when the lovely scientist who deigned to marry me realizes the error of her ways & kicks me to the curb. I plan to delay that dreadful moment as long as possible. For example, by publicly celebrating her birthday every year by talking about her on the radio & playing lots of ridiculous birthday songs for her around the time of her birthday. That buys me about three extra months - four if she's dozing when she's listening & I can add some post-hypnotic suggestions during the show. I highly recommend this process if you can do it: get a radio show & then dedicate one show a year to your spouse/sweetheart/honey/parole officer. It's amazing how much good will you bank.

Though Magda's birthday isn't until Thursday, I am only on the radio on Mondays, so today's show allowed her to celebrate her birthday starting now. The entire show is available as usual at self help radio dot net. The show is in two parts, both scary as a birthday clown, with part one on this plate & part one on this plate. The songs in the sections are below.

Happy birthday to Magda! Happy birthday to you!

(part one)

"A Child's First Birthday (Side One)" Frank Luther _A Child's First Birthday_
"Happy Birthday" Ronald McDonald _KIDS Radio Birthday Party_

"What Is This Thing Called?" Memphis _Here Comes A City_
"Birthday" Zuki _Black Noise Generator_
"Birthday Present" The Love Me Nots _Detroit_
"Birthday" Do The Robot _First Names_
"Birthday Present" The Love Me Nots _Detroit_
"Zum Geburtstag Viel Glück" The New York Stage Orchestra & Choir _Happy Birthday_

"Bad Birthday" Servotron _No Room For Humans_
"Happy Birthday" Weird Al Yankovic _"Weird" Al Yankovic_
"A Very Unhappy Birthday To You" Oscar The Grouch _Happy Birthday From Sesame Street_

(part two)

"Tippy The Wonder Dog: Gramps' Birthday" Bob & Ray _The Best Of Bob & Ray: Volume 4_
"Happy Birthday Momma" Bill Cosby _Disco Bill_

"A Child's First Birthday (Side Two)" Frank Luther _A Child's First Birthday_
"Happy Birthday Boogie" Louis Jordan _Let The Good Times Roll (1938-1954)_
"Happy Birthday" Georgio _Happy Birthday_
"Funky Birthday" Bobby McLaughlin _Funky Funky New Orleans 3_

"(It Must Be) Somebody's Birthday" Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players _Lost & Found_
"Existential Birthday" The Squares _Enjoy Yourself (& Others)_
"Jesus Came To My Birthday Party" The Middle East _I Want That You Are Always Happy_
"The Birthday Kiss" Jilted John _True Love Stories_
"Birthday Boy" The Takeover UK _Running With The Wasters_

Whither Magda's Birthday 2011?

Once again, to save my marriage, I dress like a clown & play lots of birthday music for my wife.

Wait. Did I just say I dress like a clown on the radio? Yes. Yes I did.

You might not notice it. Me being on the radio & all. But she does. Believe it.

Listen to another crazy collection of birthday songs for the woman I love tomorrow morning from 7:30 to 9am on WRFL Lexington. That's 88.1 fm on dial, or online at wrfl dot fm. If you're otherwise engaged, you can listen later when I put the show up at self help radio dot net. If you'd like.

Happy birthday to Magda! (Her birthday isn't until Thursday, I know, but work with me here.)

Preface To Magda's Birthday 2011: A Completely Unproven Theory About Prime Numbers & Age

I'm no Pythagorean - I don't really have any mystical or supernatural beliefs at all - but I do admire numbers in a kind of spiritual way. I'm especially fond of prime numbers, & I like the idea of there being primes going on into infinity. (Don't think about these things on drugs, kids. One time when I was doing a mind-expanding drug, I started to think about where negative numbers exist. I couldn't stop thinking about it so I had a string of negative numbers all around me for hours.)

I have no proof, not even from my own existence, but I like to believe that when your age is a prime number, it means it'll be a particularly good year. This of course goes against the goals set by society - it's when you're twelve, not eleven, that you can swim alone, & it's sixteen, not seventeen, when you can drive. & you can vote & drink at twenty-one, not nineteen or twenty-three. As I said, I have no evidence. I just like to think it.

This year, for example, my age is a prime number, & it's been a wonderful year - but so was last year, when I wasn't a prime number age, & the year before, when I was a prime number, I was trapped in horrible Huntington West Virginia. So, again, not a shred of anything to corroborate this - it's just something I like to think.

This week's show celebrates my lovely wife's birthday. She'll not be a prime number age but she's always happy so my stupid theory doesn't apply to her, or to anyone really.

The "prime age" idea does mean that you get less good years as you get older - but isn't that true anyway?

Self Help 101: Do You Have Time For Time Management?

Note: This is a series of awkwardly written articles by the maker of Self Help Radio about popular self-help topics because he's getting all self-help-y after many years of mocking self-help with the title of his radio show. People, it's bad.

We are, as experts have noted, very busy. Oftentimes so busy we forget how busy we have been, & have yet to be. Studies have shown that busy people have a hard time prioritizing, preferring instead to fret &, during deadlines, to panic. If you haven't any time to manage your time, what good is time management to you? You would be surprised!

Along with watches, clocks & computers, the sun has been used as a time-keeping device for time immemorial. On cloudy days, ancient people would often rely upon the town's idiot savant, who could not clean himself but knew what time it was down to the second. (Once they invented the second.) In the days before the internet (also known as the Dark Ages), watchmakers & clockmakers & people who just said "tick tick tick bong!" all the time were employed in the never-ending battle between humanity & mortality. Mortality always won, but not before the people who just said "tick tick tick bong!" all the time passed on their secrets to their children.

Meanwhile the common folk, who were, even then, uncommonly busy (as experts have noted) tried to cram a day's worth of things to do into what was then roughly half the day we have now in the 21st century. If we are twice as busy as our ancestors, it stands to reason that our descendents will be sixteen times as sweaty, but luckily there will be science-fiction deodorants to help them out. What we can also leave to our offspring, besides our inappropriate genes, are tips to help them manage the time that they will have precious little of:

1) A handy list, made perhaps just after you've awakened in the morning or when you're on the crapper, will keep you sufficiently enraged during the day. Studies will one day show that the spiteful way one crosses one's duties off an infuriating list adds seconds if not minutes to one's miserable life.

2) Some corporations have asked hypnotists to induce their workers into powerfully suggestible states so that certain key words make them more productive during the day. (Or maybe I read that in a Harlan Ellison story.) Self-hypnosis is quite simple & can be accomplished during meals & during cuddling with a spouse or pet. One advantage of hypnotizing oneself is that you can actually train your mind to be anywhere else while you complete the task - like at a water slide, or in your favorite tailor's home.

3) Internet groups exist to badger, bully, & otherwise make you do your work with peer pressure & condescension. To add insult to injury, these groups often require you to pay for membership. While this may result in an increase in the sourness of your output, you are more likely to keep your job than when you kept falling asleep & drooling into the out-box.

4) Nothing livens up a day like the threat of violence! Some enterprising workers have hired goons to shadow them & beat them senseless if they are caught slacking off. While almost certainly not legal, & not recommended for masochists, this has brought goon-on-goon violence down to levels not seen since the 1930s.

5) It's all right to make excuses. Our brains are designed to make sure we're the hero of our own stories, so taking some time in the evening to blame others, including (of course) family, & to say things to oneself like, "I'm so ambitious that I overreached today. There was no way my grand plans could be accomplished in one day." This also entitles you to a congratulatory drink, or seven, at the end of one's day.

As someone who has the unenviable position of doing three hours of radio a week (imagine, that's 1/59th of the week!), I understand the need to manage time. While I hardly ever take any advice I have read on a blog, I hope these tips will make sure you are able to better manage what little time you have left on our dying planet.

A Joke A Day A Week: Episode Twenty-Two

Another dismal week for the A Joke A Day enterprise! There isn't a joke they won't retell - they actually offered a slight variation of a joke they've sent out previously in the past twenty-two weeks - nor an internet forward they won't re-re-re-re-re-share with us. (This week it was this list of hilarity dated 1998 but which was probably old then.)

There was, though, this particular "joke," which seemed to me an unusual entry, like something children might recite on the playground. Have a look (spelling errors & all):

Ladies and Gentlemen, hobos and tramps, cross eyed mosquitoes and bow legged ants, I stand before you yet sit right beside you to tell you a story I know nothing about. Admission is free; so pay at the door pull up a seat sit on the floor. One sunny day in the middle of the night to dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other drew there swords and shot each other a deaf policeman heard the noise, he went and killed those two dead boys. A blind man saw it all looking threw a knot in a brick wall, while talking to his wife on a disconnected telephone. If you don't believe this lie is true ask the other blind man he saw it too. He lives in a two-story house on a vacant lot.

& I was right! It's actually an old folk rhyme "collected from children in playgrounds since the middle of the 19th century" according to this folklore page. The verse is much more interesting & funny than the ineptly reproduced version above - toward the end it appears the person who submitted the "joke" even abandoned its rhyme scheme - & the back story is quite interesting.

I may have mentioned that the A Joke A Day folks classify their jokes - this week has included "animal jokes," "elderly jokes," "question/answer jokes," & the redundant "one-liners jokes." They classify this entry as "idiots jokes."

Doesn't it seem strange that people who operate a service called A Joke A Day have virtually no understanding of the "jokes" they're sending out?

Feel Good Radio

Self Help Radio has never been accused of making anyone feel good, but this week the show featured testimonials in song by musicians & performers who were not afraid to record their emotional state (spoiler alert: they all feel good) on wax or tape for me to play on the radio. If the show makes you feel good, I think that's swell, but that's just a happy side effect & not what the show promises. (That should keep me safe from lawyers!)

There are two sides to feeling good: feeling good & feeling well. The show explores those two sides (not really, but this is my attempt at cleverly separating the two parts). The "feel good" side is right here, while the "feel well" side is right here. Check with the handy list below to see what songs are played when & where.

(part one)

"You Make Me Feel So Good" Chips _The Complete Stax-Volt Singles 1959-1968_
"Feeling Good" Nina Simone _Four Women: The Nina Simone Philips Recordings_
"Good Feeling Blues" Rufus & Ben Quillian (Blue Harmony Boys) _Hokum, Blues & Rags_

"I Feel Good All Over" The Come Ons _The Come Ons_
"Feel So Good" Spacemen 3 _Sound Of Confusion_
"I Feel Good (I Feel Bad)" Lewis & Clark Expedition _Hey! Look What I Found Vol. 7_
"Feel So Good" Toots & The Maytals _From The Roots_
"I Feel Good" Dirtbombs _If You Don't Already Have A Look_

"I Got You (I Feel Good)" James Brown _Star Time_
"Felt So Good" The Free Design _One By One_
"I Feel So Good" Maurice King & His Wolverines with Ruby Jackson _The OKeh Rhythm & Blues Story_
"I Feel Good" Sippie Wallace _Louis Armstrong & The Blues Singers_

(part two)

"I Feel So Good" Brownie McGhee & The Jook Block Busters _The Best Of Harlem/Jax Records Vol. 2_
"I Feel So Good" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _B-Sides & Rarities_

"You Make Me Feel So Good" Book Of Love _Book Of Love_
"Here We Go!" Arling & Cameron _All-In_
"It's Such A Good Feeling" Mister Rogers _Bedtime_
"Good Feeling" Violent Femmes _Violent Femmes_
"I Feel So Good" Richard Thompson _Rumor & Sigh_

"You Make Me Feel Good" The Zombies _The Collection_
"Feels So Good" The Hardy Boys _Here Come The Hardy Boys_
"I Feel Good" Shirley & Lee _Loud, Fast & Out Of Control: The Wild Sounds Of '50s Rock_
"I Feel Good All Over" Betty Lavette _Bluesoul Belles_
"Good Feeling" Bettye Scott & The Delvettes _Funk Soul Sisters_
"Feel Good" Michelle Wiley _The Wants List, Vol. 3: 17 Classic, In-Demand & Rare Grooves_

Whither Feeling Good?

This is the first Self Help Radio show suggested by a listener here in Lexington! I wish I could remember his name. His show idea superseded a show I had been doing on Thanksgiving weekends for many moons - for five years, in fact, from 2006 to 2007. I called it "Dysfunctional Family Holidays" & I played lots of songs about our screwed-up relationships.

It just seemed like the Monday before Thanksgiving was too early to do that this time around. There are a plethora of songs about this subject - we all come from a family that has weirdos in it - so I am sad to abandon a "perennial." But the Self Help Radio year will come to an end with shows I always do at the end of the year, so it won't be missed.

(Oh I know, I flatter myself that anything Self Help Radio related could be "missed"!)

A friendly listener suggested a theme that was perhaps "things that make you feel good." I heard "feel good" & thought, "Aha! A show about elation!" But really it's just songs about feeling good for whatever reason. Instead of things that might make a person feel good. I cut to the chase. Left out the things, left in the good feelings.

It may make you feel good if you listen. It's at 7:30 am tomorrow morning (that's Monday) on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. You can listen online here or there at wrfl dot fm. It makes me feel good to share my shows online & so I shall tomorrow afternoon, at the regular place, self help radio dot net.

Preface To Feeling Good: Feeling Bad

It's true, I feel awful today. I'm not sick, I pulled a muscle in my back, underneath my right shoulder, a muscle which the wife calls a "rhomboid" even though you know & I know a rhomboid is "a parallelogram in which adjacent sides are of unequal lengths & angles are oblique." How could a geometric figure - a two-dimensional one at that - be causing me pain in my back? Is she calling me two-dimensional? Or just my poor old back?

I understand this is one of the consequences of getting old. You overextend & spend the next few days smelling like Ben Gay. It reminds me of a Louis CK bit...





I am waiting for the wife to come home so I can spend the day whining in bed.

What? I have to be one hundred percent for the radio show. Otherwise I'm complaining to YOU for ninety minutes. You see.

Self Help 101: Putting Off Talking About Procrastination

Note: This is a series of awkwardly written articles by the maker of Self Help Radio about popular self-help topics because he's getting all self-help-y after many years of mocking self-help with the title of his radio show. People, it's bad.

In daily life, as in weekly life, we as people have things to do. This is as true now as it was yesterday, & in fact the process is cumulative, so now we have more things to do today than we did yesterday, especially if we didn't do anything yesterday except try to catch up on television shows we forgot we had saved in our DVR & now because of that we missed last night's Community god damn it.

Scientists & late-night talk show hosts call this process "procrastination," & while there is no "amateur crastination," nor are we to believe there are people who are "anti-crastination," the definition we have come to know & love is "the act of postponing, delaying or putting off, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness." It is certainly an ugly definition, especially for people such as me, whose carelessness is not in the slightest habitual, & whose laziness can be excused by a note from my doctor.

The thing is, I don't want to talk about procrastination right now. I'm just not ready. I thought I was ready but then I had a long conversation with my cats about cheese that took up the entire morning. (By the way, my cats, who love cheese, are especially critical of my veganism, although at least two of them approve of Daiya, which is a vegan cheese & not a weird feline martial arts regimen.)

I also don't think you want to talk about procrastination right now. It's too personal, isn't it? It hits home. If we have to talk about procrastination, we might as well also talk about our mothers, & no one wants to do that, not even our mothers. No, there are more important topics in the self-help realm than procrastination, & sure we might think it's vaguely amusing that we're procrastinating about procrastination, we certainly didn't plan it that way. It's just that there are other things we're planning to do before we get around to this.

What other things? I'm glad you asked!

1) I was thinking of getting a label gun. They probably have really fancy ones now. I bet there's a bored college graduate at my local Office Place who'd love to stare blankly at me at this very moment while trying to remember if they stock label guns or not.

2) Do you remember how excited I was about that book I recently bought? I'm still pretty excited about it. If I get some time this afternoon I can totally read it. I don't remember what it is, of course, but it's sitting on the top of the bookshelf so I can get it down & crack it open. That's what.

3) We're out of pickles. That's just not acceptable.

4) I remember there were some links to cute things on the web I need to look at. They are in fact adding cute things all the time. Sometimes, when I am staring at a cute thing, I can hit "refresh" on my browser & suddenly there are more cute things. & you want to keep hitting "refresh." You want to.

5) If I must, yard work. The leaves that have not already blown into the neighbor's yard, I understand, are mine to rake.

If it's all the same to you, we can talk about procrastination another time. When? I'll get back to you. Let's just say: when you & I simply have nothing else better to do.

A Joke A Day A Week, Episode Twenty-One

I've mentioned before that the A Joke A Day people don't want to single out any person as the average "stupid person" in the stupid person joke. At the University Of Texas, & even when I was growing up, the default stupid person was an Aggie, the nickname of a student at Texas A&M, a university situated in a parking lot called College Station, Texas. A&M stands for Agricultural & Mechanical, as the name of the school used to be the Agricultural & Mechanical College of Texas. "Aggie" is short for Agricultural. It's actually a little more affectionate than "Longhorn," which is what I suppose students at the University Of Texas are called.

By the way, "Aggie" is used as a diminutive for many other schools in the US, but I am referring to Texas A&M students. I don't know if Aggies from, let's say, UC-Davis in California get as bad a rap.

On the world stage, it seems the nationality most singled out for rampant stupidity is the Polish. I married a woman whose parents are Polish, & she seems to have embraced this stereotype in a charmingly self-effacing way. But I'm sure there are others who hate jokes about their heritage.

Anyway, the A Joke A Day people don't want to insult Aggies or Poles & so have invented a "non-existent" person called an "Antartian" who, they say, is "someone who lives in ignorance when knowledge is available. He persists in error without correction, & represents us all when we make a really big mistake. The person who has always been used as the stereotype for stupidity."

(Don't believe me? They define it here. Apparently they don't mind offending folks with big front teeth & who have jaundice.)

This week's A Joke A Day had sample Antartian joke. You can fit your own preferred stereotype in to make it more flavorful for you. I confess I found it kinda funny.

An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

The rest of the week was filled with jokes that have been passed around the internet for twenty years & seemed as tired as a fourteen-year-old hound dog. Oh, also this bon mot: You know you're really drunk if you can't lie on the floor without holding on.

Ha ha ha it's funny because it's zzzzzzzzzz.

Inside The Outside Show

Self Help Radio broadcasting from outside! Well, not outside. I promised my mom I wouldn't do a radio show in the cold. & it wasn't really cold. It was windy, though. I didn't want leaves blowing into my face. I promised my mom. So I did do a show about outside inside. But I had a window open!

Also, like most Self Help Radio shows, it looks better on the outside. Sorry about that.

One side of the outside is right here while another side of the outside is over here. What's in each side is listed below. Also: let's just say this show is best enjoyed outside. Why not?

(one side)

"Everybody, Come Outside!" Pomegranates _Everybody, Come Outside!_
"Go Outside" Cults _Cults_
"You Outside" Dave Justin _Circus Days Vol. 6_

"Wenn's Draußen Grün Wird" Manfred Krug _Ein Hauch Von Frühling_
"On The Outside Looking In" Flanagan & Allen _Underneath The Arches: 24 Favourite Songs_
"Join The World Outside" Carol & Sherry _The Girls Of Rare Rockin' Records_
"Outside World" XTC _Drums & Wires_
"Outside Inside" Markley _A Group_
"Inside, Outside, Upside Down" Sonny Childe _Inside, Outside, Upside Down_

"Baby, It's Cold Outside (with Homer & Jethro)" June Carter _Keep On The Sunny Side_
"It's Cold Outside" The Choir _Box Of Trash: Pebbles Box_
"Baby It's Cold Outside" Pezband _Poptopia! Power Pop Classics Of The '70s_

(another side)

"Come Outside" Mike Sarne _Hey! Look What I Found, Vol. 3_
"Wake Up, Jimmy (Something's Happening Outside)" Montage _Montage_

"I'm On The Outside Looking In" Eddie Holland _The Complete Motown Singles: 1963_
"Outside City Limits" Cashelles _Here's A Song! (You Might Have Missed) Vol. 8_
"Outside Of Memphis" DeDe Turner Happening _Eccentric Soul: The Young Disciples_
"Outside The Record Hop (Trying To Get In)" The Five Du-Tones _Chicago Twine Time_
"Outside Of A Small Circle Of Friends" Phil Ochs _Pleasures Of The Harbor_

"Outsider" The Ramones _Subterranean Jungle_
"Outside My Door" Can _Monster Movie_
"Inside Outside" Good Idea _Quagmire, Vol. 6_
"Outside Chance" The Turtles _Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era, Vol. 2_
"Inside The Outside" Love & Rockets _Seventh Dream Of Teenage Heaven_

Whither Outside?

How much time do you spend outside? If you're most Americans (& I don't imagine you are), you spend less than two hours a day outside. (I'm supposing this is on average.) By way of comparison, the average American between the ages of 18 & 35 spends twice as much time on his or her computer every day, & a little more than that watching the TV. (Some youngsters, of course, now watch the TV on their computer. Are pollsters aware of that?)

I confess I am the average American & I spend around two hours a day outside, usually walking the dogs. But on bad weather days I don't go outside at all. But this episode of Self Help Radio will change all that! I'm sure of it.

Self Help Radio's paean to "outside" airs tomorrow morning from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. Not in Lexington? You can listen online at wrfl dot fm. Not awake at that time? Listen later tomorrow at self help radio dot net.

I may even be doing the show outside!