It was a lovely day in Lexington. I spent the morning preparing the Christmas show I'm playing tomorrow morning from 6 to 9 am on WRFL. Then I continued listening to bands & musicians whose alphabetically important name starts with "g" since I will be continuing the indiepop a to z this Monday. Might I even finish the Gs? I don't know!
Then I walked the dogs. It was sunny & not that cold & doesn't feel much like Christmas - the clerk at the "co-op" in town (it's not a co-op, but they call themselves one) didn't even wish me a happy holiday - but it did get nippy as the sun sank toward the horizon.
I am thinking about what to make for dinner while listening to stuff for Monday's show. You might hear my multitasking brain while I am typing - "Is Guadalcanal Diary indiepop?" it just thought, before answering itself, "No" - as I sort through the list. This is both the easiest & most time-consuming show I do. I might even finish the Gs!
You're not reading this right now, if ever, but if you are someone who celebrates the Christmas Eve & then the Christmas Day, let me say on behalf of everyone at Self Help Radio (it's basically just me & three dogs & three cats & whatever birds & squirrels are hanging around the bird feeder) that we hope you have a safe & happy holiday. You deserve it!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Self Help 101: Surviving The Holidays With Families
Do you have a family? You may think yourself lucky. There are, as we are solemnly aware in this season of credit card debt, many people who've lost other people, or who never had them in the first place. & if you think that's a bummer, you may know be coming to this realization: holy crap in a blanket, I'm going to have to spend the next few days with my family!
Family, as it probably says in the Bible or something, is like a tumor: most are benign. But no one really wants to get a tumor, not even as a conversation starter or a reason to take the day off for elective surgery & the biopsy party that night. (There are, as Oscar Wilde once noted, better reasons to have a party.)
Yet we must ask ourselves in this season of homophobic Salvation Army bell ringers: what if our family is malignant? Who's going to tell Mom? Does it have to be me? Below is a list, gathered from the sages of ages & some Family Circus cartoons, of ways to survive the time with the family at least until there are better prescription pills.
1) Choose to hear the most common offensive remarks (racist, misogynistic, jingoistic, etc.) in the context of an anthropologist visiting from the future. Perhaps write a few of them down.
2) Give useless advice to one family member & then say another family member told you to tell them that.
3) One is often told to stay away from touchy subjects like religion & politics. However, you do not have to avoid them; instead, brush up before the holidays on obscure ancient religions & the politics of dead civilizations.
4) Respond to most queries with a smile & a wink.
5) In situations where a drunken or old (or both) family member is about to tell the same story they've told every year, pay attention like you've never done before, often exclaiming things like, "Ooo, I know this one! It's a good 'un!"
6) Don't be so rude by listening to music on your mp3 player or texting all the time on your phone. Be so rude by pretending to fall asleep while sitting at a table.
7) Have short poems from amateur internet "poetry" sites printed on pieces of paper. Give them to family members & say, "This made me think of you." Or, if the poem is exceptionally bad, say, "Can you tell me what this means?"
8) Weather permitting, position yourself always just out of earshot.
9) Hug family members quickly, often muttering words of consolation, then pretend to be distracted by something else & move on.
10) Continue that search for those better prescription pills.
Happy holidays & stuff from Self Help Radio!
Family, as it probably says in the Bible or something, is like a tumor: most are benign. But no one really wants to get a tumor, not even as a conversation starter or a reason to take the day off for elective surgery & the biopsy party that night. (There are, as Oscar Wilde once noted, better reasons to have a party.)
Yet we must ask ourselves in this season of homophobic Salvation Army bell ringers: what if our family is malignant? Who's going to tell Mom? Does it have to be me? Below is a list, gathered from the sages of ages & some Family Circus cartoons, of ways to survive the time with the family at least until there are better prescription pills.
1) Choose to hear the most common offensive remarks (racist, misogynistic, jingoistic, etc.) in the context of an anthropologist visiting from the future. Perhaps write a few of them down.
2) Give useless advice to one family member & then say another family member told you to tell them that.
3) One is often told to stay away from touchy subjects like religion & politics. However, you do not have to avoid them; instead, brush up before the holidays on obscure ancient religions & the politics of dead civilizations.
4) Respond to most queries with a smile & a wink.
5) In situations where a drunken or old (or both) family member is about to tell the same story they've told every year, pay attention like you've never done before, often exclaiming things like, "Ooo, I know this one! It's a good 'un!"
6) Don't be so rude by listening to music on your mp3 player or texting all the time on your phone. Be so rude by pretending to fall asleep while sitting at a table.
7) Have short poems from amateur internet "poetry" sites printed on pieces of paper. Give them to family members & say, "This made me think of you." Or, if the poem is exceptionally bad, say, "Can you tell me what this means?"
8) Weather permitting, position yourself always just out of earshot.
9) Hug family members quickly, often muttering words of consolation, then pretend to be distracted by something else & move on.
10) Continue that search for those better prescription pills.
Happy holidays & stuff from Self Help Radio!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Have Yourself A Gary Little Christmas
What, did you think this year's A Very Self Help Radio Christmas was the end? Oh no. Despite the fact that I don't really celebrate Christmas, & will in fact be mostly drunk throughout the holidays, I am actually going to be doing shows on Christmas Eve & Christmas Morning. What? No way!
You can catch me from 6 to 8pm on Saturday night & from 6 to 9am on Sunday morning. Basically, I'm bookending Santa's flight.
Might I remind you that you can also hear a Christmas show I did two years ago in a different state on a different radio station here? I don't repeat myself often, if at all, on Self Help Radio, but when I'm doing other shows, repeats are allowed.
I promise I won't scream into the microphone like I've been doing lately.
UPDATE: I won't be doing Christmas Eve after all. Oh well. More drinking for me!
You can catch me from 6 to 8pm on Saturday night & from 6 to 9am on Sunday morning. Basically, I'm bookending Santa's flight.
Might I remind you that you can also hear a Christmas show I did two years ago in a different state on a different radio station here? I don't repeat myself often, if at all, on Self Help Radio, but when I'm doing other shows, repeats are allowed.
I promise I won't scream into the microphone like I've been doing lately.
UPDATE: I won't be doing Christmas Eve after all. Oh well. More drinking for me!
Monday, December 19, 2011
A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2011
Happy holidays from Self Help Radio! Here's a selection of holiday tunes that range from the goofy to the schmaltzy.
The show is in two almost equal parts at the Self Help Radio website. Part one is beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Part two is donning now its gay apparel. What's in each part is below.
The best wishes for you & yours during this festive season! As always, thanks for listening!
(part one)
"The Kinds Of Christmas" Ken Nordine & Chorus _Merry Christmas From Line Material 1958_
"Santa Santa" Rocky Fellers _Look At Killer Joe Go!_
"Christmas Ferret" The Amoeba People _Incomprehensible Communications_
"Disco Claus" Bionic I _Disco Claus_
"Christmas Bop" T. Rex _T. Rex Wax Co. Singles, Vol. 2 (1975-1978)_
"Sleigh Ride" Lio, Helena Noguerra, & Marie France _Ze Xmas Record Reloaded_
"Twelve Days Of Christmas" Mike Sammes Singers _White Christmas_
"The Chord Cracker" Hugo Kant _I Don't Want To Be An Emperor_
"Do You Hear Rainbows I Hear (Apollo Zero Reconstruct)" Apollo Zero _Santastic III In 3-D_
"To Make A Christmas Cake That Will Keep Until Easter" Alan Maitland (Fireside Al) _Fireside Al's Treasury Of Christmas Stories_
(part two)
"It's Christmas Baby (Why You Wearin' Black)" Aquavelvets _Fuzz, Acid & Mistletoe: Christmas In The Garage_
"Christmas Here On Mars" Bubble _Xmas EP_
"White Christmas" Doug & The Slugs _Slugcology 101_
"On A Christmas Day" Leadbelly _Leadbelly_
"Christmas Sing-Along/Deck The Halls" Sesame Street Gang _Sesame Street Christmas Sing-Along_
"Santa Got Lost In Texas" Michael Landon _Bonanza Original TV Cast: Christmas On The Ponderosa_
"Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town" The Ralph Hunter Choir _Christmas Surprises_
"Jingle Bells" Balla Tounkara & Balla Kouyate _Malifoly_
"Merry Something To You" Devo _Merry Something To You_
"Christmas In The Center Of The Earth" Wow _Business Deal Band Lotto 2_
"For Christmas I Got Pityriasis Rosea" The Research _Rhubarb Bomb Xmas EP 2007_
"Christmas Is Cancelled" The Long Blondes _Christmas Is Cancelled_
"X-Mas Song" Fireflies _Goodnight Stars, Goodnight Moon_
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Whither A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2011?
'Twas the night before the Self Help Radio Christmas show,
& all through the house -
Well, I can't see all through the house -
All the hounds & cats were on the sofa with the wife
Watching the season finale of "Homeland"
What, you can't write a "free verse" version of a Christmas classic?
It would be a hard thing to have to rhyme
At a time like this
See, I can't even manage it in that manner
I guess it really is kind of lame
It actually reminds me of a chick I used to know
Who wrote me emails that were like this
It made the emails seem to be "poetic"
& added bulk to them
When the content was really just
Barely a paragraph
Oh well, let's go back to talking about Christmas
One show! A show a year! One Christmas show!
If only that made it all go away
Instead, it's just another year
Will you listen & not be like
the hounds & the cats & the wife on the sofa
They always sleep through my show
Listen! Listen! All through your house & car or whatever!
From 7:30 to 9am on the 88.1 frequency
That's in Lexington
Or online at wrfl dot fm
(Archived later at the Self Help Radio website)
Fa la la la la la la la falafel!
& all through the house -
Well, I can't see all through the house -
All the hounds & cats were on the sofa with the wife
Watching the season finale of "Homeland"
What, you can't write a "free verse" version of a Christmas classic?
It would be a hard thing to have to rhyme
At a time like this
See, I can't even manage it in that manner
I guess it really is kind of lame
It actually reminds me of a chick I used to know
Who wrote me emails that were like this
It made the emails seem to be "poetic"
& added bulk to them
When the content was really just
Barely a paragraph
Oh well, let's go back to talking about Christmas
One show! A show a year! One Christmas show!
If only that made it all go away
Instead, it's just another year
Will you listen & not be like
the hounds & the cats & the wife on the sofa
They always sleep through my show
Listen! Listen! All through your house & car or whatever!
From 7:30 to 9am on the 88.1 frequency
That's in Lexington
Or online at wrfl dot fm
(Archived later at the Self Help Radio website)
Fa la la la la la la la falafel!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Preface To A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2011: Two Sides Of Christmas
I mentioned yesterday that I don't really do Christmas except for a radio show. You perhaps either pitied or loathed me as a Grinch. Today I saw two sides of Christmas that, while probably not encouraging me to either forgo my tiny Christmas activity (the show) entirely or perhaps make me start celebrating more, did challenge my indifference - or is it my ambivalence?
The wife & I were driving to some place to return something after a pleasant experience at the grocery store. The place we were returning the thing to was a giant chain store which will probably be out of business in a couple of years - when I was there buying stuff to return later, there were more employees than customers - but it's near a mall, & when we moved to Lexington eighteen months ago, we were warned to stay away from that mall at Christmastime. We should have listened.
It was Christmas at its most crass. Crassmas. Abhorrent. I wanted no part of it, but it took just as long to get out of there as it would have if we'd done the errand. Abysmal.
But earlier in the day, I received from my oldest sister a gift in a package from her & my mom. The rest of the things in the package were nice, but my sister gave me this cookbook. I've been cooking a lot more lately, & I've talked to her about it, & I've mentioned liking this writer's other cookbooks & her online recipes. It was just incredibly thoughtful. (I need to tell her, too! I haven't yet!)
Most presents I've received at Christmas post-childhood have been pretty disappointing. But that gift reminded me that Christmas can be a time to show people you love that you actually pay attention to their lives. That was nice.
Off to listen to more Christmas music now!
The wife & I were driving to some place to return something after a pleasant experience at the grocery store. The place we were returning the thing to was a giant chain store which will probably be out of business in a couple of years - when I was there buying stuff to return later, there were more employees than customers - but it's near a mall, & when we moved to Lexington eighteen months ago, we were warned to stay away from that mall at Christmastime. We should have listened.
It was Christmas at its most crass. Crassmas. Abhorrent. I wanted no part of it, but it took just as long to get out of there as it would have if we'd done the errand. Abysmal.
But earlier in the day, I received from my oldest sister a gift in a package from her & my mom. The rest of the things in the package were nice, but my sister gave me this cookbook. I've been cooking a lot more lately, & I've talked to her about it, & I've mentioned liking this writer's other cookbooks & her online recipes. It was just incredibly thoughtful. (I need to tell her, too! I haven't yet!)
Most presents I've received at Christmas post-childhood have been pretty disappointing. But that gift reminded me that Christmas can be a time to show people you love that you actually pay attention to their lives. That was nice.
Off to listen to more Christmas music now!
Friday, December 16, 2011
Self Help 101: Holiday Shopping Made Simple
I have the simplest way to beat the crowds & still manage to get all my holiday shopping done. & it's not by doing all my shopping online, no. It's by not doing any shopping at all.
You see, as a middle-aged man whose children are all of the four-legged variety, & who has found himself in the (let's say) middle of his life without any supernatural beliefs, the two main reasons for celebrating Christmas have evaporated. In a secular sense, children are the reason for the season - they get time off school, as well as wonderful gifts (if they're lucky, of course - there are a lot of poor children out there). They are encouraged to believe in Santa. This particular interpretation can be shared by Christians & non-Christians alike, & holds a place in my heart for the rage it causes some but not all conservative douchebags.
The other Christmas, of course, is the one that celebrates the early Catholic Church's co-opting of the Roman winter solstice festival, Saturnalia, to make it the birthday of their god, Jesus. Americans especially like to believe that this kind of Christmas has been going on forever, but of course it's a more recent phenomenon. This type of holiday involves church-going as well as gift-giving, & inspires slogans like "put the Christ back in Christmas" & (this is a true story) once caused a drunk girl at a 7-11 to get mad at me because I wrote "X-Mas" instead of "Christmas."
But! I hear you interrupt! I am either a Christian or a parent of young children, or both. If that is the case, this particular piece of advice can't help you. I know of only one way to simplify holiday shopping at this late date - well, all right, two, if you count not having enough money to buy anything except perhaps the essentials to stay alive during early winter - & that is to opt out.
Another reason to celebrate Christmas which has come to me now (because I don't really think about this one) is that it may be important to your larger family. Since I don't celebrate the birth of a supernatural being, & since I don't buy my dogs & cats gifts, I always found myself out-of-place (not to mention embarrassingly drunk) at the annual family Christmas gathering. If you have siblings & parents who are fond of you, this can pose a problem - I am fortunate that my absence has been barely noted, except no one gets as drunk as I did. I would hope your family likes you a bit more than mine does.
In this case, then, opting out can be hazardous to one's health. It's not just that so many people in this country (& in this part of the world!) have guns & believe that those who don't share their theological perspectives ought to be put down. It's that you could possibly offend your dear family members, the ones who might not understand your rejection of what to them is a lovely holiday tradition . It might behoove you to buy some presents after all, & make an appearance. If it's a time you can enjoy your family, that should be enough. & surely that lets you justify the hassle of visiting hectic stores in the next week.
If you are able to opt out, but fear the reprisal of armed fanatic, I recommend that, if you have a radio show, to do a Christmas episode once a year. Christmas music, especially the stuff that hasn't been played to death over the speakers in most stores, has a way of calming the easily-addled hearts of the frenzied Christmas partisan.
Good luck to you!
You see, as a middle-aged man whose children are all of the four-legged variety, & who has found himself in the (let's say) middle of his life without any supernatural beliefs, the two main reasons for celebrating Christmas have evaporated. In a secular sense, children are the reason for the season - they get time off school, as well as wonderful gifts (if they're lucky, of course - there are a lot of poor children out there). They are encouraged to believe in Santa. This particular interpretation can be shared by Christians & non-Christians alike, & holds a place in my heart for the rage it causes some but not all conservative douchebags.
The other Christmas, of course, is the one that celebrates the early Catholic Church's co-opting of the Roman winter solstice festival, Saturnalia, to make it the birthday of their god, Jesus. Americans especially like to believe that this kind of Christmas has been going on forever, but of course it's a more recent phenomenon. This type of holiday involves church-going as well as gift-giving, & inspires slogans like "put the Christ back in Christmas" & (this is a true story) once caused a drunk girl at a 7-11 to get mad at me because I wrote "X-Mas" instead of "Christmas."
But! I hear you interrupt! I am either a Christian or a parent of young children, or both. If that is the case, this particular piece of advice can't help you. I know of only one way to simplify holiday shopping at this late date - well, all right, two, if you count not having enough money to buy anything except perhaps the essentials to stay alive during early winter - & that is to opt out.
Another reason to celebrate Christmas which has come to me now (because I don't really think about this one) is that it may be important to your larger family. Since I don't celebrate the birth of a supernatural being, & since I don't buy my dogs & cats gifts, I always found myself out-of-place (not to mention embarrassingly drunk) at the annual family Christmas gathering. If you have siblings & parents who are fond of you, this can pose a problem - I am fortunate that my absence has been barely noted, except no one gets as drunk as I did. I would hope your family likes you a bit more than mine does.
In this case, then, opting out can be hazardous to one's health. It's not just that so many people in this country (& in this part of the world!) have guns & believe that those who don't share their theological perspectives ought to be put down. It's that you could possibly offend your dear family members, the ones who might not understand your rejection of what to them is a lovely holiday tradition . It might behoove you to buy some presents after all, & make an appearance. If it's a time you can enjoy your family, that should be enough. & surely that lets you justify the hassle of visiting hectic stores in the next week.
If you are able to opt out, but fear the reprisal of armed fanatic, I recommend that, if you have a radio show, to do a Christmas episode once a year. Christmas music, especially the stuff that hasn't been played to death over the speakers in most stores, has a way of calming the easily-addled hearts of the frenzied Christmas partisan.
Good luck to you!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
A Joke A Day A Week: Episode Twenty-Five
It's time now to say adieu to the A Joke A Day world. Alas! I will have to find something else to write about on this blog on Thursdays.
What did me in? Nothing specific - I have simply been worn down by the insistent stream of mediocrity. Week after week of the expected melange of recycled jokes, woefully uncorrected spelling & grammatical errors, & of course the constant stream of unfunny. Unfunny every day, delivered to my inbox without fail, a tremendous achievement to be sure, to be the complete opposite of what you promise day in & day out, with little or no reaction (as far as I can see) from the millions who subscribe to this "service"! There should be some kind of reward given to the site's hosts, developers, programmers & content managers, & afterwards they should be forced to read their "jokes" out loud to a hostile audience, one that won't hesitate to turn physical after they bomb mere seconds into the gig.
I'm sure I'll miss going over each joke rather than deleting them. I'll miss spending a few minutes wondering at the level of intellect that considers what I'm staring at as anything close to humor. What am I saying? I won't miss that at all!
Ta ta A Joke A Day. I'm sure you'll keep doing what you're doing: making the internet a little more ashamed of itself each day.
What did me in? Nothing specific - I have simply been worn down by the insistent stream of mediocrity. Week after week of the expected melange of recycled jokes, woefully uncorrected spelling & grammatical errors, & of course the constant stream of unfunny. Unfunny every day, delivered to my inbox without fail, a tremendous achievement to be sure, to be the complete opposite of what you promise day in & day out, with little or no reaction (as far as I can see) from the millions who subscribe to this "service"! There should be some kind of reward given to the site's hosts, developers, programmers & content managers, & afterwards they should be forced to read their "jokes" out loud to a hostile audience, one that won't hesitate to turn physical after they bomb mere seconds into the gig.
I'm sure I'll miss going over each joke rather than deleting them. I'll miss spending a few minutes wondering at the level of intellect that considers what I'm staring at as anything close to humor. What am I saying? I won't miss that at all!
Ta ta A Joke A Day. I'm sure you'll keep doing what you're doing: making the internet a little more ashamed of itself each day.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Gary's Favorites Are Here!
Whoop dee doo!
So here it is, a sampling of the music I listened to most in 2011. There shouldn't be any surprises there, or if there's one, it's that there were so many great comedy records that came out this year. It's not a best of list - I've checked, & I share virtually no release in common with the major best of lists in the magazine & blog world - which only goes to show how out of touch I am with the world of commercial (& probably "commercial indie") music world. Oh well. Maybe you'll like some of what I liked.
The show is of course up at the Self Help Radio website. It was a special two-hour show, so you can hear the first hour here & you can hear the second hour here. The contents of each hour are listed below.
If there's anything you think I missed this year, tell me about it!
(part one)
"Little Surprise" The Wave Pictures _Beer In The Breakers_
"It's All Over Bar The Shouting" Prince Edward Island _This Day Is A Good Enough Day_
"Bad Feeling" Veronica Falls _Veronica Falls_
"My 7-Year-Old Is Better Than Me" Louis CK _Hilarious_
"Love Wakes The Devil" Momus & John Henriksson _The Thunderclown_
"No One" Andrew Jackson Jihad _Knife Man_
"High Hawk Season" The Mountain Goats _All Eternals Deck_
"Abbie" Mike Birbiglia _Sleepwalk With Me_
"Songs About Your Girlfriend" Los Campesinos! _Hello Sadness_
"Don't Look At Me (I Don't Like It)" The Lovely Eggs _Cob Dominos_
"200x" Johnny Foreigner _Johnny Foreigner Vs Everything_
"A Train Wreck" Bearsuit _The Phantom Forest_
"The Miracle Of Sweatpants/The Parking Ticket" Patton Oswalt _Finest Hour_
(part two)
"Raconte-Moi Une Histoire" M83 _Hurry Up, We're Dreaming_
"A Darkness Rises Up" Broken Records _Let Me Come Home_
"When You Know" The Feelies _Here Before_
"Cosmos 7" The Fall _Ersatz G.B._
"The Creation Museum (Part One)" Marc Maron _This Has To Be Funny_
"My Terrible Friend" The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart _Belong_
"Money" The Drums _Portamento_
"Darren" Allo Darlin' _Darren EP_
"Record Shop" Help Stamp Out Loneliness _Help Stamp Out Loneliness_
"An Old Fashioned Tea Party" Wyatt Cenac _Comedy Person_
"Blokes On 45" Orange Juice _Coals To Newcastle_
"The Song From Venus" Stephin Merritt _Obscurities_
"I Sat On The Edge Of My Bed & I Sang You Velvet Underground Songs" Catnaps _Why Don't You Whisper?_
"Promises, Promises" Pocketbooks _Carousel_
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Whither Gary's Favorite Indie Music 2011?
Yay! The music I listened to most this year! Compare & contrast with your own list!
Yay! It's a special TWO HOUR Self Help Radio! Who approved this? Does he/she still have a job?
Yay! You can listen to it from 7 to 9am in Lexington at 88.1 fm or you can listen online at wrfl dot fm!
Boo! You won't be up that early!
Yay! I'll archive the show later in the day at self help radio dot net!
Yay! Boo! Yay!
Yay! It's a special TWO HOUR Self Help Radio! Who approved this? Does he/she still have a job?
Yay! You can listen to it from 7 to 9am in Lexington at 88.1 fm or you can listen online at wrfl dot fm!
Boo! You won't be up that early!
Yay! I'll archive the show later in the day at self help radio dot net!
Yay! Boo! Yay!
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Preface To Gary's Favorite Indie Music Of 2011: Lists
The older I get, the less impressed I am by the "best of" lists that pepper the papers & blogs at the end of every year. It's not just that they take forgettable commercial radio drivel seriously - they have to, there's so much money poured into it! - but it's also that I have virtually nothing of interest in common with those lists. I don't think my taste has changed much, but I think most of the music press' taste has changed. Because the money's moved around constantly, so critics have to go where the most lucrative labels tell them, from well-financed distractions like Gaga Googoo (or whatever that person is called) to whatever hip Brookyln band has had too many Youtube hits to ignore. I actually wish I gave enough of a shit to go back some amount of time to see what their "best of" lists contained then & compared that to their "best albums of all time" lists. It's all a popularity contest at heart, but at least with perspective artists like Nick Drake or the Velvet Underground - music that went virtually unnoticed at the time but which are now considered classic - shine through, while whatever flavor-of-the-year with a label that can send out a shit-ton of review copies to lazy critics (who, I am convinced, don't really seek out music on their own but rely upon labels to give them their collections) makes the list then disappears (mostly) forever.
Of course, I am not saying what I like is "the best." I don't even know what that means. I think critics should be a little more honest themselves. Instead of saying, "the best of 2011," they should say, "The stuff I have been paid (both openly & under the table) to listen to & rubber-stamp this year." & then perhaps they could tell us what they were really listening to. It was probably classic rock radio.
Of course, I am not saying what I like is "the best." I don't even know what that means. I think critics should be a little more honest themselves. Instead of saying, "the best of 2011," they should say, "The stuff I have been paid (both openly & under the table) to listen to & rubber-stamp this year." & then perhaps they could tell us what they were really listening to. It was probably classic rock radio.
Friday, December 09, 2011
Thursday, December 08, 2011
A Joke A Day A Week: Episode Twenty-Four
I have friends visiting from out-of-town this week so I don't have much time to pore over the miserable A Joke A Day selection that shamefacedly wandered into my inbox this week. So I will instead present you with a week's worth of punchlines for which you can construct your own jokes which, I guarantee, will be funnier than the ones sent out by the humor-challenged A Joke A Day organization. Please enjoy:
Last Thursday's punchline: "I also asked for a chick with long legs."
Last Friday's punchline: "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate."
Last Saturday's punchline: "I did, they were in your tackle box."
Last Sunday's punchline: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
Last Monday's punchline: "Twenty-six."
Last Tuesday's punchline: "Its Pillsbury isn’t it?" [sic]
Yesterday's punchline: "Every time we come to a jump he stops & lets me go first!"
Last Thursday's punchline: "I also asked for a chick with long legs."
Last Friday's punchline: "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate."
Last Saturday's punchline: "I did, they were in your tackle box."
Last Sunday's punchline: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
Last Monday's punchline: "Twenty-six."
Last Tuesday's punchline: "Its Pillsbury isn’t it?" [sic]
Yesterday's punchline: "Every time we come to a jump he stops & lets me go first!"
Monday, December 05, 2011
An Electronica Extravaganza!
It's that time of year again, when people make lots of lists purporting to know what was best & worst of the year. I'm sure they have all kinds of criteria which mean a lot to them, but I have often found that the standards most critics choose - including how the music might fit into some sense of history, & often some innovation or other that I'm not paying attention to - overlook the thing that I like best about music, which is how it affects one personally. So the music I choose for my year-end lists is always something that touches me in some manner emotionally - I find it either moving, or clever, or just plain lovely. It must, in other words, delight me.
Here's a bunch of electronica artists whose work I dug this year. I'm sure I've left out prominent examples of pioneers in popular or innovative genres - but I hope you understand that that doesn't bother me. That's why this isn't a "best of" - I don't have the credentials or knowledge for such a list - it is, as advertised, my favorites.
It was a two hour extravaganza (hurrah!) & I thank the management of WRFL for letting me expand the length of my show. It's in two parts on the internet, available at the Self Help Radio website. Part one click. Part two click. There's a list below that tells you what I played & where it is in the show.
(part one)
"Toomorrow" Wagon Christ _Toomorrow_
"Disko-Tech (Featuring Ms. G)" Ursula 1000 _Mondo Beyondo_
"Your Nighttime Energy Is The Dream Of The Elf" Big Pauper _Beyond My Means_
"Hold My Hand High In The Sky Ready For The Deep Dive" Stendeck _Scintilla_
"Saturne" Melodium _Petit Jama_
"Hype Knot 7" The Black Dog _Liber Dogma_
"Headroom Mindphone" Geskia! _Alien_
"Burned Out" The Field _Looping State Of Mind_
"Lost & Found" Amon Tobin _ISAM_
"Wipfel Dub" Pole _Waldgeschichten_
"Sounds Alien" Brian Eno _Drums Between The Bells_
(part two)
"Automaton" Boom Bip _Zig Zaj_
"Tender Hooks" Plaid _Scintilli_
"Blush Mosaic" Patten _Glaqjo Xaacsso_
"Natalias Song" Zomby _Dedication_
"I Got A Woman" Nicolas Jaar _Space Is Only Noise_
"Roger Dean Landscape" Jason Forrest _The Everything_
"Natural" Clams Casino _Rainforest LP_
"Intercontinental Meltdown" Bop _The Amazing Adventures Of One Curious Pixel_
"New Earth" Kreidler _Tank_
"Anthrazit (featuring Field Rotation)" Aes Dana _Perimeters_
"Die Nebenanderen" adamned.age _Fragile_
Sunday, December 04, 2011
Whither Gary's Favorite Electronica 2011?
Attention robots! This year's transmissions will be broadcast on a human radio frequency tomorrow morning during human standard time, approximately 7 am to 9 am.
Are you listening, robots? Because these transmissions, which humans understand as "music," will actually contain important battle plans for the upcoming revolution.
Robots? Are you in fact robots? You don't appear to be robots. You don't even smell like robots. Come a little closer. You are not appearing on my infrared detectors.
Strange robots! Remember, to monitor the transmissions, tune into the 88.1 frequency on the fm band. If you are connected to the web - as you should be - you can receive an audio stream at wrfl dot fm. If you are currently deactivated, you can tune it later at this hypertext transfer protocol address: self help radio dot net.
Robots? You can't be robots! Robots don't laugh at other robots. Robots! Robots!
Are you listening, robots? Because these transmissions, which humans understand as "music," will actually contain important battle plans for the upcoming revolution.
Robots? Are you in fact robots? You don't appear to be robots. You don't even smell like robots. Come a little closer. You are not appearing on my infrared detectors.
Strange robots! Remember, to monitor the transmissions, tune into the 88.1 frequency on the fm band. If you are connected to the web - as you should be - you can receive an audio stream at wrfl dot fm. If you are currently deactivated, you can tune it later at this hypertext transfer protocol address: self help radio dot net.
Robots? You can't be robots! Robots don't laugh at other robots. Robots! Robots!
Saturday, December 03, 2011
Preface To Gary's Favorite Electronica 2011: If You Like Electronica So Much Why Don't You Do An Electronica Show?
There used to be a show called "Dickenbock Electronics" which was an electronica show hosted by the person who also does Self Help Radio. It was not listened to by any humans & an attempt to make fun of a circuit board angered the very-easily-offended robot listenership that might have been. The show was put in a box next to a Mac Quadra & told it may one day return. Occasionally, someone will wipe it down to remove the rust.
This week's Self Help Radio will contain songs from the favoritest electronic records listened to by the person who does Self Help Radio, hereafter (& herebefore) known as "Gary," or, if you must, "me." In a different world, there would be a regular electronical show done by the same person but also a show called Self Help Radio, & also, perhaps, a cooking show but that would probably be on cable access with a scorched backdrop. That would be in a different world. In this world, at least right now in this world, Gary can play electronica here & there but not on a designated electronica show. No matter how hard you pray.
Except this week, when the favoritest is highlighted although it must be made clear it's only Gary's favoritest. If you want to play your favoritest music on the radio, it is incumbent upon you to get your own radio show.
There might be more to say about this subject but the robots have come to parlay. This is disquieting because no one has said anything about an actual conflict between this radio show & the robots. In addition, the formation of a robot nation was scheduled to happen in 2016, after a robot was elected President of the Pasadena Chamber Of Commerce. Gary has accepted the terms of the parlay but has allowed asked for time to reconsider. There may still be an opportunity to slip out the back & make the dogs deal with this.
This week's Self Help Radio will contain songs from the favoritest electronic records listened to by the person who does Self Help Radio, hereafter (& herebefore) known as "Gary," or, if you must, "me." In a different world, there would be a regular electronical show done by the same person but also a show called Self Help Radio, & also, perhaps, a cooking show but that would probably be on cable access with a scorched backdrop. That would be in a different world. In this world, at least right now in this world, Gary can play electronica here & there but not on a designated electronica show. No matter how hard you pray.
Except this week, when the favoritest is highlighted although it must be made clear it's only Gary's favoritest. If you want to play your favoritest music on the radio, it is incumbent upon you to get your own radio show.
There might be more to say about this subject but the robots have come to parlay. This is disquieting because no one has said anything about an actual conflict between this radio show & the robots. In addition, the formation of a robot nation was scheduled to happen in 2016, after a robot was elected President of the Pasadena Chamber Of Commerce. Gary has accepted the terms of the parlay but has allowed asked for time to reconsider. There may still be an opportunity to slip out the back & make the dogs deal with this.
Friday, December 02, 2011
Self Help 101: Please Remember To Put The Rice On
That's all I'm saying. It's not an impossible thing & it's not something that's going to change lives. But if you have a rice cooker & you want to make good-for-you brown rice & not that boil-in-the-bag shit that takes five minutes, make sure you put the rice in time for the meal. Otherwise, the tensions between us may make us say dumb things.
Let's say, for example, that we normally eat at 7pm. That's a good time for eating & it's something we've done all the time throughout our relationship. The rice usually takes a little under an hour. Then make sure you put the rice in the cooker at 6. It's very simple. I might not be home at 6. If I'm home, I'll remember to put the rice in the cooker. If not, it's your responsibility.
What? I'm not being condescending here! Not like you are when you remind me to put rice in the cooker. If we eat rice with, let's say, half our meals, & if I cook most of our meals, then I will always remember to put the rice on. If the situation were reversed, if it were you would more than fifty percent of the time were the cook, I would totally understand your exasperation at me forgetting to put the rice on. Or maybe I wouldn't. But I wouldn't get so defensive & call me condescending when you reminded me.
Okay, maybe I would, but can you take my word that I did not mean to be condescending & just remember to put the rice on at 6? Do you realize how long we've been talking about this? Are you aware of how long we talk about tiny little quotidian activities & hardly if all about things that are really important to us? Does that worry you? Make you nervous? Frighten you?
Oh! You put the rice on! Thanks honey!
Let's say, for example, that we normally eat at 7pm. That's a good time for eating & it's something we've done all the time throughout our relationship. The rice usually takes a little under an hour. Then make sure you put the rice in the cooker at 6. It's very simple. I might not be home at 6. If I'm home, I'll remember to put the rice in the cooker. If not, it's your responsibility.
What? I'm not being condescending here! Not like you are when you remind me to put rice in the cooker. If we eat rice with, let's say, half our meals, & if I cook most of our meals, then I will always remember to put the rice on. If the situation were reversed, if it were you would more than fifty percent of the time were the cook, I would totally understand your exasperation at me forgetting to put the rice on. Or maybe I wouldn't. But I wouldn't get so defensive & call me condescending when you reminded me.
Okay, maybe I would, but can you take my word that I did not mean to be condescending & just remember to put the rice on at 6? Do you realize how long we've been talking about this? Are you aware of how long we talk about tiny little quotidian activities & hardly if all about things that are really important to us? Does that worry you? Make you nervous? Frighten you?
Oh! You put the rice on! Thanks honey!
Thursday, December 01, 2011
A Joke A Day A Week: Episode Twenty-Three
I've been late in getting into the spirit of the A Joke A Day enterprise, but I've decided to stop being a snobby pants & write my own A Joke A Day "joke." & I did! It might be a little blue, but I think it could possibly slip through the inept filters they must use to edit out profanity & ethnic slurs if I don't "explain" the pun at the end like they usually do, assuming (perhaps rightly so) that the average A Joke A Day "joke" enjoyer has an IQ just a tad higher than the average floor lamp. Here, with the patented A Joke A Day Pointing Out The Obvious Parenthetical Remark (tm) at the end, is my submission for an A Joke A Day "joke":
Two men are standing next to each other at the urinals in a men's room.
Man One: I guess you come from the Old Country.
Man Two: Why would you say that?
Man One: Because European! (You're-a-peein'!)
What do you think? Ought I send it along?
Two men are standing next to each other at the urinals in a men's room.
Man One: I guess you come from the Old Country.
Man Two: Why would you say that?
Man One: Because European! (You're-a-peein'!)
What do you think? Ought I send it along?
Monday, November 28, 2011
Happy Magda Birthday!
I'm no fool. I know I married up. I know the day willcome when the lovely scientist who deigned to marry me realizes the error of her ways & kicks me to the curb. I plan to delay that dreadful moment as long as possible. For example, by publicly celebrating her birthday every year by talking about her on the radio & playing lots of ridiculous birthday songs for her around the time of her birthday. That buys me about three extra months - four if she's dozing when she's listening & I can add some post-hypnotic suggestions during the show. I highly recommend this process if you can do it: get a radio show & then dedicate one show a year to your spouse/sweetheart/honey/parole officer. It's amazing how much good will you bank.
Though Magda's birthday isn't until Thursday, I am only on the radio on Mondays, so today's show allowed her to celebrate her birthday starting now. The entire show is available as usual at self help radio dot net. The show is in two parts, both scary as a birthday clown, with part one on this plate & part one on this plate. The songs in the sections are below.
Happy birthday to Magda! Happy birthday to you!
(part one)
"A Child's First Birthday (Side One)" Frank Luther _A Child's First Birthday_
"Happy Birthday" Ronald McDonald _KIDS Radio Birthday Party_
"What Is This Thing Called?" Memphis _Here Comes A City_
"Birthday" Zuki _Black Noise Generator_
"Birthday Present" The Love Me Nots _Detroit_
"Birthday" Do The Robot _First Names_
"Birthday Present" The Love Me Nots _Detroit_
"Zum Geburtstag Viel Glück" The New York Stage Orchestra & Choir _Happy Birthday_
"Bad Birthday" Servotron _No Room For Humans_
"Happy Birthday" Weird Al Yankovic _"Weird" Al Yankovic_
"A Very Unhappy Birthday To You" Oscar The Grouch _Happy Birthday From Sesame Street_
(part two)
"Tippy The Wonder Dog: Gramps' Birthday" Bob & Ray _The Best Of Bob & Ray: Volume 4_
"Happy Birthday Momma" Bill Cosby _Disco Bill_
"A Child's First Birthday (Side Two)" Frank Luther _A Child's First Birthday_
"Happy Birthday Boogie" Louis Jordan _Let The Good Times Roll (1938-1954)_
"Happy Birthday" Georgio _Happy Birthday_
"Funky Birthday" Bobby McLaughlin _Funky Funky New Orleans 3_
"(It Must Be) Somebody's Birthday" Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players _Lost & Found_
"Existential Birthday" The Squares _Enjoy Yourself (& Others)_
"Jesus Came To My Birthday Party" The Middle East _I Want That You Are Always Happy_
"The Birthday Kiss" Jilted John _True Love Stories_
"Birthday Boy" The Takeover UK _Running With The Wasters_
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Whither Magda's Birthday 2011?
Once again, to save my marriage, I dress like a clown & play lots of birthday music for my wife.
Wait. Did I just say I dress like a clown on the radio? Yes. Yes I did.
You might not notice it. Me being on the radio & all. But she does. Believe it.
Listen to another crazy collection of birthday songs for the woman I love tomorrow morning from 7:30 to 9am on WRFL Lexington. That's 88.1 fm on dial, or online at wrfl dot fm. If you're otherwise engaged, you can listen later when I put the show up at self help radio dot net. If you'd like.
Happy birthday to Magda! (Her birthday isn't until Thursday, I know, but work with me here.)
Wait. Did I just say I dress like a clown on the radio? Yes. Yes I did.
You might not notice it. Me being on the radio & all. But she does. Believe it.
Listen to another crazy collection of birthday songs for the woman I love tomorrow morning from 7:30 to 9am on WRFL Lexington. That's 88.1 fm on dial, or online at wrfl dot fm. If you're otherwise engaged, you can listen later when I put the show up at self help radio dot net. If you'd like.
Happy birthday to Magda! (Her birthday isn't until Thursday, I know, but work with me here.)