Preface To Miracles: You Sexy Thing

Self Help Radio labors forever in obscurity, & kinda deserves it, but on the radio on Mondays the deejay will often say, "If you have ideas for themes, or if you want to request a song for the show next week, you can always email me at Gary at Self Help Radio dot net."  Needless to say, the "email-bag" is hardly ever filled by listener requests - in fact, it's usually just full of desperate African potentates & information about penis enlargement &/or engorgement.

However, this week, the show about "miracles," having been duly announced on the previous Monday, encouraged not one but two Lexingtonians to write in & request a song.  That song?  "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate.  The song is so well known that it has its own Wikipedia page.  The reason for the request, of course, is the continually repeated lyric, "I believe in miracles."  (You can read the full lyrics here.)  Indeed, if you search for the song, there's a good chance that, in this day & age of mis-identified songs, you'll find it entitled "I Believe In Miracles."  One of the correspondents called it that in the request email!

You can watch a lip-synched version by the band (who were British - did you know that?) on Youtube here.  & you can expect to hear it on Self Help Radio on Monday.  Unless!  Might there be a funky version of it somewhere?

Is it disrespectful to play covers of songs people request, especially if the song is as popular & well known as "You Sexy Thing"?

Four-Twenty

Wikipedia uses the phrase "cannabis culture" & that amuses me.

Here's an anecdote that will demonstrate to you how square I am & always have been. When I was the Program Manager for KVRX in the 90s, I made it a point to tape & listen to everyone's show at least twice during the semester. The most difficult were always the late-night shows - since I was taping the shows with cassettes, I'd have to drag myself out of bed to turn the tape on, &, since most shows were two hours long, I'd have to wake again an hour later, & turn the tape over (hooray for 120 minute tapes!). Why I didn't just stay awake & listen to the show I don't know. It made sense at the time.

One new deejay at the station, in both shows of hers that I listened to, would come on the mic at (of course) 4:20 am & say, "It's four-twenty." She would interrupt a song while doing that. When talking to her about her show, I told her, "You can wait until a regular airbreak to tell people the time." She rolled her eyes & said, "You mean you don't know?" & I was schooled about 4:20. By the way, this same woman told me that "4-20" referred to the police code for possession, a common urban legend. & hilariously, she once came up to me & told me, "I've given up drugs!" & I said, "Wow, you're not smoking pot any more?" She said, "Pot isn't a drug! It's natural!"

I guess it's better than celebrating April 20 as Hitler's birthday!

Fragments Of A Haunted Song

"The fire, it almost starts itself
Looks like water comes from somewhere else
& I could use a thing or two today"

I threw these lyrics, which are from the song "Gone Tomorrow" by Lambchop, on their new record, at a few people younger than I am, people I barely know, as an example of how songs could haunt me. The collective response was disinterest as best, dismissal at worst. "I guess the water comes from somewhere else," one person said, looking around as people do when they've told a joke but wait to see if anyone else recognizes it as such before they admit it was actually a joke.

But the words act in my brain - as many lyrics often do - as the closest I'll thing I'll ever be able to understand or accept as a koan, which is, as one online dictionary defines it, "a nonsensical or paradoxical question to a student for which an answer is demanded, the stress of meditation on the question often being illuminating."

More often than not such fragments - & usually the entire song - just fills me up with emotions that I want to experience rather than understand.

I am a bad fake Buddhist.

Windows Airs

As the weather has gotten nicer, Self Help Radio, which spends a lot of time staring out of windows, has now felt comfortable opening the windows, & it's really about time, too, because it's kinda smelly in here. Opening the windows led to thinking about songs about windows, & thinking about songs inevitably leads to a show about the songs themselves. So one window opens while a show about windows airs!

The show is available on all operating systems, not just ones that are the namesake of this show's theme. It's available at the Self Help Radio website. Hey! If you're impatient & want to download the show directly, you can do so by clicking the following links: part one | part two. What's in each part is below.

Oh no! Bugs are coming in the window!

(part one)

"Window" The Microphones _Window_
"The Window" Acrylics _Lives & Treasure_
"Out The Window" Violent Femmes _Why Do Birds Sing?_

"Get Away From That Window" The Pickard Family _The History Of Country & Western Music Vol. 1 (1927-1928)_
"Love Jumped Through My Window" Arthur Lee & Band Aid _Vindicator_
"The Other Window" Wire _154_
"Stained-Glass Windows In The Sky" Felt _Poem Of The River_
"Voyeurism Is The New Tattoo" Luxuriator _Voyeurism Is The New Tattoo_
"Windows Of The World" Scott Walker _Scott 2_

"Take A Look Out Your Window" Pataphysics _Take A Look Out Your Window_
"My Little Window" Jack Scott _Great Scott!_
"Storm Windows" John Prine _Storm Windows_

(part two)

"The Window Song" The Mountain Goats _Protein Source Of The Future... Now!_

"My Window" Help Stamp Out Loneliness _Help Stamp Out Loneliness_
"Open A New Window" The Arbors _The Very Best Of The Arbors_
"She Came In Through The Bathroom Window" Joe Cocker _Happy_
"Life From A Window" The Jam _This Is The Modern World_
"Last Of The Window Cleaners" Momus _The Ultraconformist_

"Cleaning Windows" Van Morrison _Beautiful Vision_
"The Window (live)" Leonard Cohen _Field Commander Cohen: Tour Of 79_
"From My Bedroom Window" Dear Nora _We'll Have A Time_
"Cleaning The Windows" Kentucky Friend Chicken Training _Kentucky Fried CD_

Whither Windows?

Today was a day where windows were handy. Tomorrow will be a day of celebration for windows.

Self Help Radio will be heard through all open & (in cars) rolled down windows all over Lexington tomorrow morning from 7:30 to 9am. You can listen online at the WRFL web page or you can simply go to the audio stream.

If you can't get your windows open, or if your day is prematurely thrown out the window, you can listen to the episode later on at your convenience at the Self Help Radio website.

Seriously, crack a window. It smells awful in here.

Preface To Windows: Not That Kind You Know

You must resist the urge to equate the word "window" with a computer operating systems.

My favorite window memories are drawing on windows fogged by the cold when I was bored child. I also used to love slowly revealing the outdoors by rubbing the window fog away.

My family once lived at an apartment complex, the back end of which abutted the parking lot of a Lutheran Church. The parking lot, of course, was in church's rear. Some kids who went to school with me went to that church. Our apartment faced the church's parking lot, & my bedroom window looked out over the parking lot. Once in middle school, a girl who went to the church complained to me that her entire family could see, through my window, my sleeping body as they exited their car on Sunday mornings. I was surprisingly unself-conscious about this information, & don't remember changing my behavior. The window faced the east, & I loved being awakened by the rising sun. Now I feel a little flattered that something so innocuous caused church-goers to comment. It's not like I slept in the nude!

I have never been much of a voyeur, but I think that most people dream of seeing something surprising & revealing in a stranger's window. & maybe that's why most of us don't want people to stare into our windows. I would prefer blinds or curtains over every window. What do I have to hide? What do you have to hide?

A friend of a friend was in a Christian rock band in Dallas during my college years & I could never remember what they were called. They were called something like "House Without Walls," which is (of course) a reference to something in scripture. But during one visit to Dallas, I asked the friend whose friend was in the band, "Do you ever make music with him anymore, or does he still play in that Christian rock band - what are they called, World Without Windows?"

My friend corrected me but said, "I think yours is a better band name."

Paraskevidekatriaphobia

Are you afraid of Friday the 13th? You ought not be. But you should. From time immemorial, when we didn't have good records, to time memorial, which is what we also call now, when we have better records but people are instead saving music to their computers, humans all over the place have been afraid of Friday the 13th & that include many people's mothers.

Why would scared parents warn impressionable children of a day like any other which happened to be a Friday &, if the calendar is to be believed, also the 13th? Scholars & circus people alike have spent many hours poring through the annals of human thought (sometimes the two DVD set) overlooking the underpinnings of this nefarious date. Here's something similar to what they found:

- On Friday the 13th, people who otherwise can pronounce English words more or less correctly find certain vowel combinations difficult. "Dairy" becomes "diary." "Tier" becomes "tire." & some for strange reason "beet" becomes "beat."

- On a Friday the 13th when the moon is waxing gibbous, people who drive to work can't get the melody - but not the words - of "Frère Jacques" out of their heads.

- On a Friday the 13th in a Leap Year, any group of thirteen people - even if they don't know each other - must apologize profusely to passers-by or, if they're in an office, or a lobby, or an elevator - mutter undignified excuses to themselves, or else their children's children will be cursed with temporary ineffectualness on important national holidays.

There are terrifying stories about folks who chose to toy with their fates on Friday the 13th, & unfortunately none of them have survived to tell their tales. Here are some moderately accurate recreations:

- On Friday the 13th, 1891, a young man in Ohio refused to offer blandishments to a young maiden who was expecting them, & sixteen years later that young man was forced by President Theodore Roosevelt to put his head in a recently killed moose.

- On Friday the 13th some time in the last seven years, two children who have since stopped being children because of aging were struck by the inherent awfulness of cartoons in the 1980s & never spoke of it again.

- On Friday the 13th when it used to matter, a young minor league Baseball booster decided to cross the street under a ladder walking barefoot over a broken mirror & was accidentally side-swiped by a car owned but not driven by none other than Stevie Wonder's former bodyguard's niece.

How do psychologists treat those with an irrational fear of this day? It turns out it's the same way they treat those with rational fear of this day: with powerful chocolate-scented narcotics. Should you be one of those unfortunate souls without access to decidedly unethical analysts, there are some over-the-counter & over-the-top treatments recommended by those who ought to know better. Try at your own risk.

- Anything with lanolin smeared on any part of you that resembles a sheep.
- A red scarf draped over a blue hat billowing out of a yellow sportscar.
- Reading any three of Shakespeare's sonnets to a surly senior citizen.
- Standing uncomfortably in a hobby store asking uncomfortable questions.
- Calendar avoidance &/or "accidental" date rearranging.

Most of all, you should be entirely aware of the arbitrary nature of this day which happens to be a Friday coinciding with the thirteenth of the month (luckily, not all months have thirteen days). The ancient Eritreans, for example, found Tuesday the 3rd to be full of ill omens, especially if bills were due. Certain South American city-states used to plan no weddings, funerals, or ice cream socials on any Wednesday that fell on a 4th or 14th. & of course certain religious sects have cautioned against going against holy dicta on even-numbered months that fell in odd-numbered years, but you expect that sort of thing from them, don't you?

Hopefully the more information you know about the history of "Friday the 13th," the less you have an irrational fear of it! Have a happy 13th of Friday!

Second-Person Shooter Adventures

The Development Officer has an idea. It finds its way to a post-it note. The post-it note does not exist in the physical world per se - it's a small program on the Development Officer's laptop. "That's all right," she thinks, "the idea does not exist in the physical world either."

"That's where you're wrong," says the Production Manager. She is facing quite an unhappy group of developers this morning. She doesn't have time for the Development Officer's half-baked, hare-brained ideas. She quickly fires off a memo to corporate. The memo also doesn't exist in the physical world per se - it's an ingenious application designed for the office's internal network by the Computer Guy.

The Computer Guy, whom everyone called "Jesse," took too many pills last night. He has a terrible habit of taking his friends' prescription medications if they happen to leave them at his place. Or if he happens to be at their place & finds some in their medicine cabinets. He used to take the time to look up the pills in a Big Book Of Pharmaceuticals, but now he just takes them, often in small handfuls, & waits to see how they affect him. One result is: he sometimes does not remember what he did for hours before the effects wear off.

He does not know, for example, that he hacked into his own system - he may have thought he was testing its security, although he obviously knew more about it than any intruder would - & sent out sensitive documents to everyone in the office as well as some who worked from home & others who were subscribed to his Doctor Who mailing list. But thanks to the pills he took around 11:30 pm the night before, he does not know it was he who breached security.

The Chief Financial Officer has spent the morning "putting out fires," as he puts it, so when he finds the Development Officer's idea, sent among a flurry of emails while angry workers storm in & out his office all morning long, he finds the timing so ludicrous that he believes she must have somehow been responsible for the late-night security problem.

The Chief Financial Officer orders Jesse the Computer Guy to surreptitiously search the Development Officer's computer under suspicion of the crime. He tells Jesse, "You know the stakes are high - if you can't find something, make sure you still find something." Jessie the Computer Guy is still a little too messed up to really understand what he's being asked to do.

In the small hallway outside the break room, the Production Manager, who has in the past believed that the Computer Guy has something of a thing for her, corners Jesse & asks about the investigation into the hacking. The Production Manager has not been included in the investigation by the Chief Financial Officer because many of the leaked documents show her in a favorable light toward the employees - defending popular projects, authorizing overtime, supporting (as Production Managers often do) her employees - & while the Chief Financial Officer does not exactly suspect her, he does not entirely trust her at this point in time.

Although the Production Manager is somewhat correct - the Computer Guy doesn't exactly have "something of a thing for her," he just enjoys looking at her breasts - she is not prepared for him to confess that he's been asked to do something unethical, if not illegal, to put the blame on the Development Officer. This gives the Production Manager an idea - & it's not one she commits to a post-it note that does not exist in the physical world.

Later, after the Production Manager has been promoted to Production Director, & the Chief Financial Officer has been suspended pending a criminal investigation, the Development Officer overhears Jesse the Computer Guy tell an intern, whose breasts he enjoys looking at, that it's not entirely true to say that things that are "on a computer," like mp3 files or text documents, "don't exist in the real world," as they are composed of physical things called "bytes," which, he points out, used to be kept on very tangible items like floppy discs, & which now need to be stored on a "hard drive" inside the computer.

The Development Officer suddenly suspect the Computer Guy of hacking his own system &, although she can't understand why he'd do such a thing - he didn't benefit in any way from the episode - she still tells her suspicions - in person - to the new Production Director & the interim Chief Financial Officer.

Come To My Church (Show)

Two things to be aware of about this show: first, I plan my shows some time in advance & I had no idea - really - that I'd be doing a show about church the day after Easter. It's a big coincidence. & second, I think I've only been in a church for church-like business (that is to say, not sight-seeing, as at Notre Dame or a place like that) (& by church-like business, I mean, sermons or weddings or whatever) maybe twenty times in my life (if that). Nothing about churches or the business of going to church is part of my make-up - & I know some people who love church & I know some people who hate having been forced to go to church as a child. I hope the show delights the former & does not terrify the latter. & I hope my ignorance of the subject doesn't detract from the songs I play.

Churches real, imaginary, & both are explored on today's show. You can listen to the show at the Self Help Radio website. If you'd like a direct link to the shows, they are in two parts & they are here: part one, part two. I've handily listed the songs in each part so you don't have to.

The nice thing about a Self Help Radio show about church is: you don't have to tithe!

(part one)

"Get Me To The Church On Time" Rosemary Clooney _Rosie Solves The Swingin' Riddle_
"Church In The Wildwood" The Carter Family _Prayers From Hell: White Gospel & Sinner's Blues 1927-1940_
"The Magnificent Church" The Gargoyles _Steamflapper_

"Let The Church Roll On" Morehouse College Quartet _Atlanta, Ga. Gospel 1923-1931_
"A Little Old Church In England (with Ray Eberle & the Modernaires)" Glenn Miller _The Gold Collection_
"I Met Her In Church" The Box Tops _Soul Deep: The Best Of The Box Tops_
"Methodist Church" The Girls _Reunion_
"Meet Me In Church" Bobby Marchan _Cameo Parkway 1957-1967_

"Church Not Made With Hands" The Waterboys _A Pagan Place_
"The Church Of John Coltrane" Saint Jude's Infirmary _Happy Healthy Lucky Month_

(part two)

"The Vatican Rag" Tom Lehrer _That Was The Year That Was_

"Make Your Church Crackle & Glow (Parsley Sound Mix)" Ronnie Willhoite _The Doorkeepers: A Church Leadership Development Program For Ushers_
"Church Of The Poison Mind" The Yell Leaders _Gag Me With A Spoon: Don't Records Celebrates The 1980s_
"Cleaning A Church" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"Date To Church" The Replacements _All For Nothing/Nothing For All_
"To The Church" Lloyd Cole _Lloyd Cole_

"The Church On The Corner" Sound Of Six _The Church On The Corner_
"They Tore The Old Country Church Down" Goodwin Trio _Hallelujah Hoedown_
"All Seven Deadly Sins Were Committed At A Church Bake Sale" Onion Radio News _Onion Radio News_
"Waiting At The Church" Julie Andrews _Don't Go Into The Lion's Cage Tonight_
"Church Bells Blues" Luke Jordan _Broke, Black & Blue, Vol. 1: Up Country Blues_
"Church, I'm Fully Saved Today" Blind Willie Johnson with Willie B. Harris _Dark Was The Night (1927-1930)_

Whither Church?

It's entirely coincidental that Self Help Radio's show about church is happening after Easter Sunday.

Self Help Radio has never been to church.

This is somewhat remarkable, since Self Help Radio resides in Lexington, & Lexington is a city of churches.

This website counts 382 churches in Lexington. That's a church for every 700 or so people.

Don't try to find out which city has the most churches per capita in the world online. There are lots of competing answers. Plus quibbles about the question.

Though the city of Wheaton, Illinois, gets the honor, according to the game Trivial Pursuit.

Here's something I didn't know: Garland, Texas, which is my hometown, & has a population of around 220,000 people (60,000 less than Lexington), has apparently more than 500 churches.

That simply can't be true.

There might be more overt religiosity in Garland (& all of Texas) but I can't imagine there'd be so many churches.

I could be wrong, though.

Churches real & imaginary will be discussed & sang about tomorrow morning on Self Help Radio's show about churches. No tithing necessary! In Lexington (near any church) on 88.1 fm or online at WRFL dot fm. The audio stream is right here. The show will be archived later in the holy sanctuary at self help radio dot net.

As Mike Birbiglia said, "This week it's Good Friday, Holy Saturday, Easter Sunday, then Fuckin' Monday."

Preface To Church: What Comes Between Good Friday & Easter Sunday?

Apparently it's called Holy Saturday. That's a little disappointing, although it shouldn't be - after all, "Good Friday" is a little underwhelming as a name for a religious holiday. Often people will say things like, "Have a good Friday!" & they're certainly not suggesting that you celebrate the crucifixion of a religious figure.

However, one of the more interesting stories about Holy Saturday is that Jesus - who was of course at that point quite dead - literally goes to hell.

Don't take that the wrong way! He went there of his own accord & just to free the heroes of the Old Testament, from Adam & Eve on up. The implication - & if you weren't ever taught this, you're probably not Catholic - was that, before Jesus' death, everyone went to hell. Noah was in hell. Moses was in hell.

But Jesus only brings people from the Old Testament to heaven. Great humans of pagan faiths have to stay there. & probably no one explain to Socrates, say, why his old chess buddy Solomon just disappeared one day. Unless maybe Satan told them later, just to fuck with them.

It makes you wonder - did Jesus have that planned all along? Or did he think, right after his death, "Oh I know what I can do!" & though there's any real consensus on the subject - most Protestants utterly reject the notion, since there's nothing really in scripture about it - it's impressive how much Jesus got done on a day that for the most part he could have just taken it easy.

Did you get as much done today?

Saccades

"We cannot consciously control the speed of movement between stops & during each saccade, the eyes move as fast as they can."

That's from here.

The more we learn about ourselves, the more we discover we are less & less the overt controllers of our lives & thoughts.

This reminds me of a conversation I had over twenty years ago with a girlfriend & one of her girlfriends & that girlfriend's boyfriend. I'll call them Betty, Veronica & Reggie. I am as always Jughead.

Reggie was going on & on about something something Ayn Rand something. He was a bit of a self-important douche & I had had little or no experience with Randianism at the time so when he praised "logic" & "rationality," I thought he was more or less on my side. At least he didn't go on & on about the virtues of being selfish. He was talking & he made some comment about emotions being chemical.

The two women with us gasped. "Do you really believe that?" Betty said. (Yes, my Betty.) Reggie said sure, probably glad to have the chance to debate something, since none of us really cared to interrupt his monologue. She then turned to me & said, "Jughead, do you believe our emotions are chemicals?"

I was put in a difficult situation. I am pretty much a materialist & have rarely, if ever, seriously entertained supernatural explanations for anything. But I was being stared at a woman I loved who was asking a loaded question: DID I REALLY BELIEVE THIS CODSWALLOP? DO I DARE TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO THINKS SO LITTLE OF EMOTIONS?

Interestingly, I don't remember how I responded. It didn't end the relationship at that time. When I remember it, I curse myself for not asking the more serious question in response, which is this: "If our emotions are not chemical, what are they?"

There's some irony in getting emotional about being confronted with the material nature of emotions. As a species, we're the only living things on this planet that use the results of material processes - like thinking thoughts - to convince ourselves that the things that are produced by these processes are not & cannot be material. They seem more than that. To a lot of people. Like the feeling of love seeming like more than a chemical process.

& meanwhile, "Saccades are the fastest movements produced by the human body."

Birthday Dog!

Our old man George turns 14 today! According to this website, that makes him the equivalent of 82 human years old. This website says that he's actually closer to 69 human years old. (It also says that I am seven & three-quarters dog years old. It's so tragic when a child is older than a parent.) One more: this website suggests George is closer to 72 human years old.

Besides being a bit obdurate (which he's always been) & whiny (ditto) & a little deaf (though I might be mistaking that for him generally not giving a shit), he generally acts like he's half his age. Last night, for example, when we got home from seeing the Spooky Qs, he danced around the house like an idiot. I'm surprised he didn't hurt himself.

I wrote about George a few Thursdays ago. He is a terribly sweet dog who likes to be around me, which is fine by me: I like being around him!

100% Cotton Show

Cotton! Cotton everywhere! Hey! I did something on this episode of Self Help Radio I either have never done or may have done only once: I played all the songs in (more or less) chronological order. (I say more of less because I looked up the years but didn't really care about the month & day, so, for example, the songs from 1929 may be out of order.) How did it go? You tell me!

All the cotton pickin' songs I played are listed below. The show is divided into two parts & much easier to pick & sort than cotton. Part one is behind that link. Part two is behind this one. The entire show (& many other shows just sitting there hoping you'll visit) is over at the Self Help Radio web page.

(part one)

"Land Of Cotton Blues" Lucille Hegamin _The Ladies In Blues_
"Cotton Field Blues" Charlie 'Dad' Nelson _The Paramount Masters_
"Cotton Field Blues" Henry Thomas _The Easin' In: Essential Recordings Of Texas Blues_

"Make My Cot Where The Cot-Cot-Cotton Grows" Red Nichols' Stompers _That's What I Call Sweet Music: American Dance Orchestras Of The 1920s_
"Song From A Cotton Field" Bessie Brown _Down In The Basement: Joe Bussard's Treasure Trove Of Vintage 78s: 1926-1937_
"Mississippi Boweavil Blues" Charley Patton _The Complete Recordings 1929-34_
"Cotton Mill Blues" Wilmer Watts _1929_
"Price Of Cotton Blues" The Allen Brothers _The Complete Recordings Vol.1 1927-1930_

"Cotton Mill Blues" Lee Brothers Trio _Hard Time In The Country_
"Serves 'Em Fine (Cotton Mill Colic No. 3)" Dave & Howard _Black & White Hillbilly Music: Early Harmonica Recordings 1920-30's_
"11 Cent Cotton, 40 Cent Meat" Bob's Boys (Bob Miller) _Songs For Political Action: Folkmusic, Topical Songs, & The American Left 1926-1953_
"Cotton Mill Blues" Daddy John Love _Oh My Little Darling_

(part two)

"Floatin' Down To Cotton Town" Fats Waller _1936_

"Cotton Patch Blues" Tommy McClennan _Big Joe Williams & The Stars Of Mississippi Blues_
"Cotton Eyed Joe" Adolf Hofner & His San Antonians _Roots 'N' Blues: The Retrospective (1925-1950)_
"Cotton Pickin' Blues" Robert Petway _Broadcasting The Blues: Black Blues In The Segregation Era_
"Pick A Bale Of Cotton" Sonny Terry & Brownie McGhee _Blowin' The Fuses_
"Boll Weevil" Lead Belly _Sings For Children_
"Old Cotton Fields At Home" Odetta & Larry _The Tin Angel_

"Cotton Picking Hands" The Dukes _Lost Dreams: The New Orleans Vocal Groups_
"Cotton Picker" Wortham Watts _The 'D' Singles Collection Vol. 1_
"Cotton Head" Leon Peels _It Don't Mean A Thing If It Ain't Got That Beat!_
"California Cottonfields" Merle Haggard _Down Every Road: 1962 - 1994_
"Mississippi Cotton Picking Delta Town" Charley Pride _Country_
"The Backbone Of America Is A Mule & Cotton" Abner Jay _The Backbone Of America Is A Mule & Cotton_

Whither Cotton?

TEACH YOURSELF ABOUT COTTON.

Cotton is not, as one might think, a terrifying metal which can "learn" from those it maims or kills. The American Cotton Industry has made this very clear through an ingenious if not desperate series of advertisements on television & the radio. Also fat people wearing sandwich boards, although that was just as a tax write-off.

Cotton is also not "home to a race of mildly intelligent, though small, horticulturists" to which it is rumored that 30% of the male population is allergic. Widespread fear of horticulturists who are not necessarily clever but still rather competent continues after the Home Garden panic of the 1990s but this canard, which haunts tee shirt manufacturers everywhere, continues to be passed on as knowledge wherever garden tools are sold.

Cotton will never "come between you & your man." The last time cotton caused such a fuss became the American Civil War & it still feels really awful about it. So if you are a person who enjoys a close relationship with a man but have some insecurities, it is vehemently not cotton you should be worrying about. Have you taken a look at devious old fleece lately?

Finally, cotton does not want nor should it ever be a controlled substance. People who delight in growing cotton in secretive places - like hydroponically, or in secret sections of National Parks - need to be aware that it is perfectly legal to grow cotton anywhere. Sure, cotton has the classic "bad boy" image, but that's just a character it played in angsty teen dramas. People associating with cotton for its illicit qualities are totally missing out on naughtier plants.

TEACH YOURSELF ABOUT COTTON.

Listen to Self Help Radio's show about cotton, which will be on the air Monday (April 2nd) from 7:30 to 9 am on 88.1 fm WRFL Lexington & online at WRFL dot FM. There is a direct link to the audio stream & this is it.

For those of you who move at slower, more cotton-like, pace, the show will be archived sometime later at the Self Help Radio website.

SERIOUSLY, TEACH YOURSELF ABOUT COTTON ALREADY.

Preface To Cotton: Cotton-Eyed

What the hell does "cotton-eyed" mean? No one can decide.

The term, which was popularized in the song "Cotton-Eyed Joe," isn't really explained in the song. Joe is "cotton-eyed," but that's just an identifying physical characteristic, as if someone said "big-eared Joe," or "black-haired Joe." Or is it even more descriptive?

One definition is someone who's so drunk you see the whites of their eyes prominently. In this case, it perhaps is synonymous with "wide-eyed," although I don't get that way when I'm drunk.

A related meaning is what apparently happens when you drink wood alcohol, which, sources say, turns your eyes milky white. In addition, others believe that it's what your eyes look like when you have glaucoma or cataracts.

According to the Random House Dictionary of Popular American Slang, the term refers to someone with prominent eye-whites.

But I can't shake the feeling that the term is racist - that it refers specifically to black folks. If you've seen pictures of blackfaced minstrels, you understand that a prominent caricature of African-Americans in those unhappy days was that their eyes seemed very white & very large in contrast to their skin. & it seems pretty obvious - especially from the old lyrics - that Joe in the song was black.

Self Help Radio's show about cotton will probably feature one version of "Cotton-Eyed Joe" - how could it not? But even though there is no consensus about the term's meaning, I am still made a little queasy by the term. The song's popularity waned in the late 20th century - everywhere but in the South, where it's still quite popular.

But also where there are still lots of racists. You know?

I just received this email

(I have edited it to protect the innocent. Or guilty.)

The email reads:

Hi,

I'm interested in contributing an article to selfhelpradio.net - The article will be unique and interesting to read. In return, I ask that I be able to subtly include a link to my site within the article.

If you are not interested in the article, I am also willing to offer you a one time donation for a permanent link to my site in a prominent place on your website.

Hope you are having a wonderful week!

Thanks,
(deleted)

I find this fascinating, not just because this has never happened to me - it really hasn't. & I'm not such a naif that I imagined that this person has actually visited the site - there are no "articles" there, of course. I'm fascinated because the site about which he wants to write a "unique & interesting to read" article is actually just a product-oriented web page. They sell things.

For the sake of argument, let's say what they sell is hubcaps. (It's not entirely that specific, but close.) What sort of "unique & interesting to read" article is going to have a "subtle" link (not underlined?) for hubcaps in it? Would it be the only link in the article? That's not very subtle.

I'm also fascinated because this is really the first time anyone has ever offered me money to put something on the Self Help Radio website. I know that virtually no one goes to the site - & those that do are mostly looking for something else, & don't stick around to listen to my radio shows - so it makes sense no one's looking to spend money in the obscurity there. But what does that say about this dude.

I wish I were mean enough to ask for the article. It would probably be hilarious. But I am honest to a fault, & would never ask for something I had no intention of using in the first place. That's just a little too douchey.

Lonely Indiana Roads

I fell asleep driving through most of Indiana. In the dream I dreamt while driving the other drivers were sleeping & dreaming too. The farms, which cross carefully the nearly-empty highways, didn't have silo-space enough for the dreams of flight emanating from nearly every car.

You'd think the fields would remember all the snow, but no, there was burgeoning everywhere. It's easier to read the posted warnings when the landscape is easy on the eyes. There's no aggravation when a strange stoplight is deployed, or when the semi passing on the right ignores the sudden "Speed Limit 35" sign that's sprouted around the corner.

The polite man asks the wide-eyed woman something about cell phones. A very old woman looks confused when she sees that the ladies' rest room is out of order. We're near Ohio, & that explains: pizza for breakfast.

I asked the dozing state trooper: does everyone sleep through Indiana? He rolled over & said, "Only those like you & me, who drive alone." I looked at the gauge on his dashboard - instead of "gas" it said "marmalade." & I thought I saw lots of dogs just running around, racing along an invisible highway parallel to the one I was on.

& I drove through Indiana during the day - what must it be like at night?

Nothing Gold On The Radio Can Stay

A website called "Bad Money Advice" (really!) says this: "Gold is one the more peculiar investments out there. Although it is an exaggeration to say that it is a substance of no intrinsic value, it has several industrial uses & would undoubtedly have many more if it were not so expensive. Gold lacks some basic characteristics of a typical investment."

Therefore you should invest in Self Help Radio's show about gold. At no cost to you, this nearly ninety show also lacks some basic characteristics of a typical investment. It frankly also lacks some basic characteristics of a typical radio show. But didn't I say "at no cost to you"?

The gold songs are listed below. The show rests at the Self Help Radio website. It's in two parts, like two gold bars: part one is twenty-four carat & part two is twenty-four carrot.

(part one)

"Gold" Ken Nordine _Colors_
"Get The Gold" Three Peppers _1937-1940_
"Gold" Peter Blegvad _King Strut & Other Stories_

"The Ecstasy Of Gold" Ennio Morricone _The Ennio Morricone Anthology: A Fistful Of Film Music_
"It's The Gold (Ella Johnson, vocal)" Buddy Johnson _1939-1942_
"Bags Of Gold" Jay Jay Pistolet _Happy Birthday Me_
"Gold & Silver" Toots & The Maytals _Monkey Man_
"Heart Of Gold" Neil Young _Neil Young Archives, Vol. 1: 1963-1972_

"Fool's Gold" Rachel Sweet _Protect The Innocent_
"Fools Gold" Ghost Dance _Word To The Wise 12"_
"Fools Gold" Stone Roses _The Complete Stone Roses_

(part two)

"In The Gold Dust Rush" Cocteau Twins _Head Over Heels_

"Gold" False Friends _Burn The Bridges, Break The Gates_
"Good As Gold" Betty & The Werewolves _Tea Time Favourites_
"Goldrush" Champagne Riot _Moonstruck EP_
"Goldfinger" Man Or Astroman? _Return To Chaos_
"Diamonds & Gold" Tom Waits _Rain Dogs_

"The Gold Rush Is Over" Hank Snow _The Essential Hank Snow_
"Gold Is the Colour Of Thought" The Smoke _The Smoke_
"Spun Gold" The Three O'Clock _Arrive Without Travelling/Ever After_
"Gold" Harvey Korman _Americathon OST_

Whither Gold?

Generous miser! May we partake in your plethora of gold?

There are too many of you, mouth to feed! There is a finite supply of gold!

Oh healthy miner! That dear metal is so lovely to behold!

Like a dragon I shall guard my hoard. You hordes shall ever look but never touch!

Kind sir, kind sir, this air, it's full of gold dust, can we just breathe a little in?

Think you me a Rumple nor a Stiltskin? What is hard fought is hard won!

Dear familiar stranger, deny us not the luster of that soft, soft aurum!

Oh all right. Form a line at the right. No licking!

-----

The preceding parable was found many times in antiquity. It was then conveniently lost many other times.

-----

For scholastic purposes, this ancient dialogue should be read by a monk with a raspy voice. Whenever possible, the part of the inquisitor (known in some academic circles as "the mob") should be read by Dan Castellaneta, the voice of television's "Homer Simpson."

-----

The meaning of this so-called "poem" has been the basis of several unimpressive scholarly careers & even (it is rumored) one tenure, &, as might be expected, there is no consensus on the actual point of the dialogue. Why does the flattering interlocutor & the group he perhaps represents want so desperately to visit the hoarder's gold stash, besides, you know, the obvious? Why doesn't the wealthy grump employ some armed musclemen to beat back the grasping group, like rich people have done throughout history? Is this some sort of allegory or something? Use the back of the piece of paper if necessary. You are not allowed to use your texts.

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One famous "commentary" on this literary scrap will air on the morning of Monday, March 26, on a radio station called WRFL in Lexington, Kentucky, which, it must be noted, is roughly one hundred miles from Fort Knox, where the majority of United States gold is kept. You can listen to that show from 7:30 to 9am Eastern time on 88.1 fm in the Lexington area or anywhere if you follow this audio link. The show will be archived, reportedly, online at some site called Self Help Radio although that is not a reputable educational journal site so make sure you are wearing your spam pants.