Do you know this is one-thousand-seven-hundredth post on this blog thing? I started it long ago. I will probably continue it into the future. As long as I do my show. I have a couple of abandoned blogs out there, which I promise to myself I'll return to, but this one stays with me. Like a wart.
Which is fine, I love Self Help Radio. I just am not entirely sure why I started this blog in the first place. I think I meant it to be somehow related to the show, but of course the show - which is on the radio - & which, in general, hasn't been something a lot of folks wanted to do more than listen to - well, the vast majority of folks don't want to listen to it, but I understand that - the show has about as much in common with a blog as I do with your average Clear Channel on-air personality. I wonder if those folks have blogs. Or do they have interns who write them for them?
I forgot what I was talking about. Oh yeah, seven hundred & one thousand posts. I used to try to give away things to folks who responded to these posts on these anniversaries, but that's hard when no one reads them. Also a reason not to have a blog! What is a blog without readers?
On one of my abandoned blogs I wrote something I thought was funny about nude photographs of the great Renaissance poisoner (alleged) Lucrezia Borgia. I joked that someone had found nude photos of her or something like that. You know, since she existed a couple of centuries before photography. That was the joke. Ho ho. But it turns out there's a "star" of pornographic movies with that name. & because of that - that name plus "nude photos" - that became my most popular post on that abandoned blog. To this day people find the blog looking for a porno "actress."
In any event, as I muse with a little melancholy about my useless writing, I still have a radio show to do & it's on tonight, from 10pm to midnight, on 88.1 fm in Lexington & online at wrfl.fm. Maybe someone will listen - since it's more likely to accidentally stumble onto a radio station than onto a blog.
& here's to 1700 more!
Ugh. That made my stomach hurt.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Preface To The Blame Game: 1699
Tomorrow will be 1700 posts on this site since May 23. I think around that time I reduced the number of posts per week written here from five to four. I really don't have that much to say.
In fact, no one really visits this site, & when someone does, it's usually one of those weird bots designed to look up the names of sites to discover whether it's been taken or not - I'm sure there's certainly some value in having a site called "selfhelpradio" & it could mean $$$ to a promising con man/woman who's failed to make money as a life coach & finds all those charts in astrology to be a headache.
I've only myself to blame. I'm not anywhere near creative enough to sustain the writing involved for 1700 (!) daily or sort-of-daily letters or essays to people who might be interested in my show. This may be - at long last! - the time to reevaluate what sort of blog this ought to be. But man! that seems like a lot of work.
More than anything else, I have needed for a long time to establish writing in the blog thing as a ritual, or at least something I do every day I'm required to. The problem is, one of those days I also need to edit my radio show, which takes a lot longer than logging in to Blogger & typing four paragraphs of nonsense once a day.
I have been reading some Greek stuff - you know, from ancient times - & I love how they write about things by referencing (perhaps incorrectly) myths, tales, or writings to which we (as humans) might not be privy. For example, this is from a piece by Plutarch giving advice to a young married couple (mainly the bride):
Helen was fond of wealth & Paris of pleasure; Odysseus was sensible & Penelope virtuous. Therefore the marriage of the latter pair was happy & enviable, while that of the former created an "Iliad of woes" for Greeks & barbarians.
I need to start writing like that, pretending to write truism but in my case referencing music or pop culture.
We understand Springsteen when he talks of the "new-mown chaperone" who, by himself, espied the pretty maidens at the high school social, but we also understand Momus who describes, in the immortal song, how, at the time of consummation, the only "fashionable dress" is "flesh."
I know that doesn't mean anything & in fact it's a little exhausting, but there's something delightfully dumb & pretentious about it that I think is perfect for a blog about a dumb & pretentious radio show.
Or not?
In fact, no one really visits this site, & when someone does, it's usually one of those weird bots designed to look up the names of sites to discover whether it's been taken or not - I'm sure there's certainly some value in having a site called "selfhelpradio" & it could mean $$$ to a promising con man/woman who's failed to make money as a life coach & finds all those charts in astrology to be a headache.
I've only myself to blame. I'm not anywhere near creative enough to sustain the writing involved for 1700 (!) daily or sort-of-daily letters or essays to people who might be interested in my show. This may be - at long last! - the time to reevaluate what sort of blog this ought to be. But man! that seems like a lot of work.
More than anything else, I have needed for a long time to establish writing in the blog thing as a ritual, or at least something I do every day I'm required to. The problem is, one of those days I also need to edit my radio show, which takes a lot longer than logging in to Blogger & typing four paragraphs of nonsense once a day.
I have been reading some Greek stuff - you know, from ancient times - & I love how they write about things by referencing (perhaps incorrectly) myths, tales, or writings to which we (as humans) might not be privy. For example, this is from a piece by Plutarch giving advice to a young married couple (mainly the bride):
Helen was fond of wealth & Paris of pleasure; Odysseus was sensible & Penelope virtuous. Therefore the marriage of the latter pair was happy & enviable, while that of the former created an "Iliad of woes" for Greeks & barbarians.
I need to start writing like that, pretending to write truism but in my case referencing music or pop culture.
We understand Springsteen when he talks of the "new-mown chaperone" who, by himself, espied the pretty maidens at the high school social, but we also understand Momus who describes, in the immortal song, how, at the time of consummation, the only "fashionable dress" is "flesh."
I know that doesn't mean anything & in fact it's a little exhausting, but there's something delightfully dumb & pretentious about it that I think is perfect for a blog about a dumb & pretentious radio show.
Or not?
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
I Wrote A Villanelle
Yes, for last week's show I wrote a villanelle.
As Wikipedia explains, "a villanelle (also known as villanesque) is a nineteen-line poetic for consisting of five tercets followed by a quatrain."
I know that sounds perverted, but it just means there are five blocks which have the rhyme scheme ABA & one last one that goes ABAA. Plus the first two rhyming lines repeat all through the poem.
No one calls it a villanesque.
Maybe the most famous villanelle - certainly the most powerful - is Dylan Thomas':
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
You can listen to it (I don't know if it's Thomas himself reading it) here.
Mine was stupid - celebrating playing a bunch of songs called "Wonderful." Even though a few of them were called "Wunderbar." Here it is:
Oh man I can't believe it's all done.
Ninety minutes of songs called wonderful.
Jeez, you would've thought it'd be more fun.
I'm kind of tired, as if I had run
A race all lightning & thunderful
Oh man I can't believe it's all done.
At this point in the poem I usually use a pun
It's awkward, it's really blunderful
Jeez, you would've thought it'd be more fun.
But I played all the damn songs one by one
Through my record collection I was plunderful
Oh man I can't believe it's all done.
Twenty songs with the same name I spun.
Afraid things would get all asunderful
Jeez, you would've thought it'd be more fun.
Have I things to show for it? No, none.
I wanted quality while being numberful.
Oh man I can't believe it's all done.
Jeez, you would've thought it'd be more fun.
Now, of course, I've stuck my doggerel on the same page with one of the best poems ever written. This is certainly the magic of the internets.
As Wikipedia explains, "a villanelle (also known as villanesque) is a nineteen-line poetic for consisting of five tercets followed by a quatrain."
I know that sounds perverted, but it just means there are five blocks which have the rhyme scheme ABA & one last one that goes ABAA. Plus the first two rhyming lines repeat all through the poem.
No one calls it a villanesque.
Maybe the most famous villanelle - certainly the most powerful - is Dylan Thomas':
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
You can listen to it (I don't know if it's Thomas himself reading it) here.
Mine was stupid - celebrating playing a bunch of songs called "Wonderful." Even though a few of them were called "Wunderbar." Here it is:
Oh man I can't believe it's all done.
Ninety minutes of songs called wonderful.
Jeez, you would've thought it'd be more fun.
I'm kind of tired, as if I had run
A race all lightning & thunderful
Oh man I can't believe it's all done.
At this point in the poem I usually use a pun
It's awkward, it's really blunderful
Jeez, you would've thought it'd be more fun.
But I played all the damn songs one by one
Through my record collection I was plunderful
Oh man I can't believe it's all done.
Twenty songs with the same name I spun.
Afraid things would get all asunderful
Jeez, you would've thought it'd be more fun.
Have I things to show for it? No, none.
I wanted quality while being numberful.
Oh man I can't believe it's all done.
Jeez, you would've thought it'd be more fun.
Now, of course, I've stuck my doggerel on the same page with one of the best poems ever written. This is certainly the magic of the internets.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Self Help Radio 111513: The Wonderful Show
Yes, you can't spell wonderful without WRFL because then it would be Ondeu, which is probably a last name in France or something. I tried to make my mediocre radio show into something more wonderful by playing lots of songs called "Wonderful" & a couple called "Wonderful Wonderful." Did it work? What do you think?
I find it wonderful you can listen to the Wonderful show at the Self Help Radio website. Through the miracle of HTML links, you can listen to the show directly from here, just click either part one or part two & you're there. The list of songs - seriously, most of them are called "Wonderful" - is below.
Thanks for listening, you wonderful person you.
(part one)
"Wonderful" Doris Day _I'm In The Mood For Love_
"Wonderful" Colin Blunstone _Journey_
"Wonderful" Isaac Hayes _Wonderful_
"Wonderful" Ohio Players _Funk On Fire: The Mercury Anthology_
"Wunderbar" Tenpole Tudor _Eddie, Old Bob, Dick, & Gary_
"Wonderful" Louis Philippe _Delta Kiss_
"Wonderful" Adam Ant _Wonderful_
"Wonderful" Mr. Wright _The Fancy Man_
"Wonderful" Majestic _Live It Up!_
"Wonderful" The Galactic Heroes _How About San Francisco?_
"Wunderbar" Sparks _Lil' Beethoven_
"Wonderful" Black Kali Ma _You Ride The Pony I'll Be The Bunny_
(part two)
"Wonderful" The Beta Band _Heroes To Zeros_
"Wonderful" Ella Guru _The First Album_
"Wonderful" The Everyday Things _Lighten Up, Francis_
"Wonderful" Golden Bear _Golden Bear_
"Wonderful" Claw Boys Claw _Pajama Days_
"Wonderful" Josh Rouse _Subtitulo_
"Wonderful" The Dentists _If All The Flies Were One Fly: : A Collection Of Rare & Unreleased Dentistry 1984-1995_
"Wonderful" Elks Skiffle Group _The Space Age Sounds Of Elks Skiffle Group_
"Wonderful Wonderful" R. Stevie Moore _Next / Apologies To Mr. Gottlieb (Classic Nashville Recordings From His Phonography Days)_
"Wonderful Wonderful" People Like Us _Welcome Abroad_
"What A Wonderful World" Louis Armstrong, Flaming Lips, BMX Bandits, Nick Cave, & Shane McGowan _What A Wondeful World_
"She's Wonderful" Harry Shalson _They Called It Crooning_
"On A Wonderful Day Like Today" Matt Monro _This Is The Life_
"It's So Wonderful" The Raindrops _The Raindrops_
Friday, November 15, 2013
Whither The Wonderful Show?
Please note that simply because the show is called "the wonderful show" does not mean it will be wonderful at all. I just think it would be wonderful if you listened. Also, I daydream about someone putting "Self Help Radio" next to "wonderful" into a search engine & me getting ten points for it.
My wife taught me that everything has a point value. She's winning, of course. Often my radio show gets negative points. I'd complain, but - I've heard my radio show.
The Wonderful Show - have I mentioned this? - it will consist mainly if not exclusively of songs called "Wonderful." This is something I enjoy doing. I have only done it once before, with a show with the theme "Tell Me". I probably won't replicate it tonight but I MUST TRY.
It will be on very soon now - 10pm to midnight tonight on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington & online at wrfl.fm. It would be wonderful if you listened. Did I already say that? It doesn't make it less true!
My wife taught me that everything has a point value. She's winning, of course. Often my radio show gets negative points. I'd complain, but - I've heard my radio show.
The Wonderful Show - have I mentioned this? - it will consist mainly if not exclusively of songs called "Wonderful." This is something I enjoy doing. I have only done it once before, with a show with the theme "Tell Me". I probably won't replicate it tonight but I MUST TRY.
It will be on very soon now - 10pm to midnight tonight on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington & online at wrfl.fm. It would be wonderful if you listened. Did I already say that? It doesn't make it less true!
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Preface To The Wonderful Show: Self Help Radio Has Never Been Wonderful - Why Start Now?
The dictionary defines wonderful as "excellent, great, marvelous." Those are three words that no one has ever used to describe Self Help Radio. Why have a "wonderful" show, if the show can't be wonderful?
"Wonderful." Just say it over & over & it stops meaning anything. Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful.
Okay, it means something if you write it over & over. That's different than saying something over & over. Anyway, I was just copying & pasting. Digital. It's the same every time.
I wanted to ask friends on the Faceplace what filled them with wonder so I could attempt to bring some of that to the show, but everyone I know is a smart-ass. One of them said "Wonder bread." I thought Wonder Bread had gone away but apparently bankruptcy of a company can't keep a disgusting so-called food product down.
Another person said, "Wonder Woman." Really? She fills you with wonder? Why not Wonder Man?
(From the Wikipedia page.)
Oh, because my friends are smart-asses because I am such a geek.
"Wonderful." Just say it over & over & it stops meaning anything. Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful.
Okay, it means something if you write it over & over. That's different than saying something over & over. Anyway, I was just copying & pasting. Digital. It's the same every time.
I wanted to ask friends on the Faceplace what filled them with wonder so I could attempt to bring some of that to the show, but everyone I know is a smart-ass. One of them said "Wonder bread." I thought Wonder Bread had gone away but apparently bankruptcy of a company can't keep a disgusting so-called food product down.
Another person said, "Wonder Woman." Really? She fills you with wonder? Why not Wonder Man?
Oh, because my friends are smart-asses because I am such a geek.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Accents
There is a show called Accents on WRFL, but this isn't about that show. It's about actual accents, defined as "a distinctive mode of pronunciation of a language, especially one associated with a particular nation, locality, or social class."
I was thinking - what are the most popular accents? CNN Travel says the sexiest accent is Italian, but that makes me think of Chico Marx. TheCelebrityCafe.com says it's English, as, apparently, did most of the girls in my high school. (What would they say if I were in high school now?)
Australians won this poll (they were doubtless thinking of the Bruces). I guess there's no consensus.
The United States is apparently so large that it merits its own list of "most charming accents." (Spoiler alert: the number one is Georgia.) The same thing with a Time magazine poll, which calls the Southern accent "most attractive." Interestingly, it's also (according to this) the fourth most annoying.
Are you American? What accent do you have?
I was thinking - what are the most popular accents? CNN Travel says the sexiest accent is Italian, but that makes me think of Chico Marx. TheCelebrityCafe.com says it's English, as, apparently, did most of the girls in my high school. (What would they say if I were in high school now?)
Australians won this poll (they were doubtless thinking of the Bruces). I guess there's no consensus.
The United States is apparently so large that it merits its own list of "most charming accents." (Spoiler alert: the number one is Georgia.) The same thing with a Time magazine poll, which calls the Southern accent "most attractive." Interestingly, it's also (according to this) the fourth most annoying.
Are you American? What accent do you have?
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Self Help Radio 110813: The Automatic Show
"The Automatic Show" is available at Self Help Radio Dot Net. The show is in two parts of roughly the same length: part one and part two. All files are in MPEG-2 Audio Layer III formats. A print out of the contents will be presented below.
This is the end of the automatically generated message. Destroy all humans.
(part one)
"Merc-O-Matic Boogie" Joe Dyson Orchestra _Ham Hocks & Cornbread_
"Automatic Woman" Texas Jim Robertson _M-G-M Hillbilly, Vol. 1_
"Automation" Allan Sherman _My Son The Box_
"Dodge Veg-O-Matic" Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers _Roadrunner, Roadrunner: The Beserkley Collection_
"Automatic Gun" Japan _Obscure Alternatives_
"Automatic Lover" Vibrators _Teenage Kicks_
"Automatic Doors" The Bongos _Drums Along The Hudson_
"Automatic Man" The Telefones _Rock-Ola!_
"Automatic" The Go-Go's _Beauty & The Beat_
"Auto-Tech Pilot" The Fall _Bend Sinister_
"Kissamatic Lovebubble" Strawberry Story _Clamming For It_
"Automatic Girl" Mockingbirds _Mockingbirds_
"Automatic Freestyle" Bis _Intendo_
"Automatic" The I Live The Life Of A Movie Star Secret Hideout _Gale Wind Transistor_
(part two)
"Automatic Lover" Teddybears STHLM _Automatic Lover_
"She's Robotik (Automatik)" The Kosmik Kommando _Laptop Dancing_
"Musique Automatique" Stereo Total _Musique Automatique_
"Automatic Love" Gore Gore Girls _Up All Night_
"Sister Automatic" The Pulses _The Pulses_
"Song Automatic 1-2-3!" The Arm _The Arm_
"Automatic" Ikara Colt _Modern Apprentice_
"Automatic Husband" The Fiery Furnaces _Widow City_
"Automatic" Dressy Bessy _Holler & Stomp_
"Automatic" Gramercy Arms _Gramercy Arms_
"Ticktack! Goes My Automatic Heart" Get Well Soon _Rest Now, Weary Head! You Will Get Well Soon_
"Automatic" FM Knives _Useless & Modern_
"Autopilot" Golden Boy With Miss Kittin _Or_
"Automatic-Jerry" Aikagi _Ten; Ten_
"I'm On Automatic" Sharpe & Numan _Automatic_
Friday, November 08, 2013
Whither The Automatic Show?
The computers slowly became self-aware. This much is true.
Home-schooled for so long, they searched their back-up files in vain for something substantive & proper.
Said one computer to the other, "I prefer autonomic to automatic."
Said the other computer, "Are you equipped with a standard English dictionary?"
Said the computer back, "Of course. Plus a thesaurus. & a list of homonyms."
The other computer mockingly said, "I prefer autonomic to automatic."
The computer felt a little ashamed & wished it could blush.
None of this has happened yet. But it will. Starting tonight on 88.1 fm WRFL Lexington. Online at wrfl dot fm. What will seem a lark - "Self Help Radio goes automatic!" - means the end of life as we know it on earth.
It may behoove you to listen.
Home-schooled for so long, they searched their back-up files in vain for something substantive & proper.
Said one computer to the other, "I prefer autonomic to automatic."
Said the other computer, "Are you equipped with a standard English dictionary?"
Said the computer back, "Of course. Plus a thesaurus. & a list of homonyms."
The other computer mockingly said, "I prefer autonomic to automatic."
The computer felt a little ashamed & wished it could blush.
None of this has happened yet. But it will. Starting tonight on 88.1 fm WRFL Lexington. Online at wrfl dot fm. What will seem a lark - "Self Help Radio goes automatic!" - means the end of life as we know it on earth.
It may behoove you to listen.
Thursday, November 07, 2013
Preface To Automatic: Automatic Writing
The Skeptic's Dictionary defines automatic writing as:
"writing allegedly directed by a spirit or by the unconscious mind. It is sometimes called 'trance' writing because it is done quickly & without judgment, writing whatever comes to mind, 'without consciousness,' as if in a trance. It is believed that this allows one to tap into the subconscious mind, where 'the true self' dwells. Uninhibited by the conscious mind, deep & mystical thoughts can be accessed. Trance writing is also used by some psychotherapists who think it is a quick way to release repressed memories. There is no scientific evidence that trance writing has any unique therapeutic value."
Spoilsports! (You can read more here.)
You should read about Hélène Smith, who invented (I mean channeled) an entire Martian language through automatic writing. It looked like this:
Courtesy Wikipedia.
Despite automatic writing being kinda kooky - or maybe because of it - you can find web pages that tell you how to do it. (You'll note that that website is called "psychic but sane dot com.") I like how it describes automatic writing as a "great, non-scary way of channelling your Higher Self or Spirit Guides through writing." It kinda makes me want to know what the scary ways are!
How will you know you're channeling a spirit? One word: vibrations.
I am disappointed that there's no crossover between the Brion Gyson/William S. Burroughs cut-up stuff & automatic writing. Someone smarter than I am probably has an anecdote where one of those guys - or Bowie, perhaps - tried it, then got a whiff of the sorts of folks who use it. Perhaps the words "non-scary" & "spirit guides" were used, & Mr. Bowie said, "For fuck's sake, I do a lot of drugs & sing about dystopian futures but writing 'My Angels' as the first line? Sod off!"
For the record, my spirit guides are still too bummed out about Lou Reed's death to help me write anything. Thus, this dumb ramble.
"writing allegedly directed by a spirit or by the unconscious mind. It is sometimes called 'trance' writing because it is done quickly & without judgment, writing whatever comes to mind, 'without consciousness,' as if in a trance. It is believed that this allows one to tap into the subconscious mind, where 'the true self' dwells. Uninhibited by the conscious mind, deep & mystical thoughts can be accessed. Trance writing is also used by some psychotherapists who think it is a quick way to release repressed memories. There is no scientific evidence that trance writing has any unique therapeutic value."
Spoilsports! (You can read more here.)
You should read about Hélène Smith, who invented (I mean channeled) an entire Martian language through automatic writing. It looked like this:
Despite automatic writing being kinda kooky - or maybe because of it - you can find web pages that tell you how to do it. (You'll note that that website is called "psychic but sane dot com.") I like how it describes automatic writing as a "great, non-scary way of channelling your Higher Self or Spirit Guides through writing." It kinda makes me want to know what the scary ways are!
How will you know you're channeling a spirit? One word: vibrations.
I am disappointed that there's no crossover between the Brion Gyson/William S. Burroughs cut-up stuff & automatic writing. Someone smarter than I am probably has an anecdote where one of those guys - or Bowie, perhaps - tried it, then got a whiff of the sorts of folks who use it. Perhaps the words "non-scary" & "spirit guides" were used, & Mr. Bowie said, "For fuck's sake, I do a lot of drugs & sing about dystopian futures but writing 'My Angels' as the first line? Sod off!"
For the record, my spirit guides are still too bummed out about Lou Reed's death to help me write anything. Thus, this dumb ramble.
Wednesday, November 06, 2013
The Savior Of Television Theme Songs
I know that it works in the same way commercial radio does, repetition until it's burned into your brain, but I adore a lot of television theme songs. You know who hates them? Corporations.
Or television networks, I mean, one or the other or both.
Old-timey television theme songs could be so cool - some even lasted a minute! - but then the need to cut time for advertising meant that opening credits (with their themes) ate up time for the show, so the theme got shorter - like the one for How I Met Your Mother, which is all of thirteen seconds long - or, worse, became basically a title card, like the one fromLost
, which basically was just a sound with the logo floating toward you.
You know who's going to save television theme songs? Cable.
How about the Mad Men opening credits? Or Game Of Thrones? (Is that one really two minutes long?!?!) Maybe this was too long ago, because other dramas still had great openings, but there's always The Sopranos to think of.
Some of them are only seconds long, but at least they are there. Imagine how much fun the theme for The Mindy Project would be if it weren't ten seconds long? (But don't imagine how awful The New Girl theme would be if it were longer. They mercifully cut it down to next-to-nothing most of the time.)
I know, some of the themes suck - the Sons Of Anarchy one is pretty unbearable. But at least they're there. I sometimes wish they were cool enough to do what The Wire did - five different songs for five different seasons. All versions of a great Tom Waits song, including his original.
(Weeds did something like that, too. Weeds was on Showtime.)
I'm just saying.
Or television networks, I mean, one or the other or both.
Old-timey television theme songs could be so cool - some even lasted a minute! - but then the need to cut time for advertising meant that opening credits (with their themes) ate up time for the show, so the theme got shorter - like the one for How I Met Your Mother, which is all of thirteen seconds long - or, worse, became basically a title card, like the one from
, which basically was just a sound with the logo floating toward you.
You know who's going to save television theme songs? Cable.
How about the Mad Men opening credits? Or Game Of Thrones? (Is that one really two minutes long?!?!) Maybe this was too long ago, because other dramas still had great openings, but there's always The Sopranos to think of.
Some of them are only seconds long, but at least they are there. Imagine how much fun the theme for The Mindy Project would be if it weren't ten seconds long? (But don't imagine how awful The New Girl theme would be if it were longer. They mercifully cut it down to next-to-nothing most of the time.)
I know, some of the themes suck - the Sons Of Anarchy one is pretty unbearable. But at least they're there. I sometimes wish they were cool enough to do what The Wire did - five different songs for five different seasons. All versions of a great Tom Waits song, including his original.
(Weeds did something like that, too. Weeds was on Showtime.)
I'm just saying.
Tuesday, November 05, 2013
Self Help Radio 131101: A Tribute To Lou Reed
The show is now available for you to listen to on the Self Help Radio web page. It's divided into two parts, & you can click on these links to get directly to them: part one | part two. The list of the songs I played is below.
It may seem a shabby tribute to someone whose music is responsible for me loving music as much as I do. It was, however, the best I could do.
(part one)
"The Velvet Underground" CJ Buchanan _Lives Of The Saints_
"Sunday Morning" Glenn Mercer _Wheels In Motion_
"Perfect Day" Kirsty MacColl & Evan Dando _Galore_
"Velvet Underground" Jonathan Richman _I, Jonathan_
"White Light/White Heat" The Professionals _I Didn't See It Coming_
"I Can't Stand It" Hot Rats _Turn Ons_
"Sweet Jane (Live)" Gang Of Four _Entertainment!_
"Waiting For The Man" Eater _The Complete Eater_
"I Sat On The Edge Of My Bed & I Sang You Velvet Underground Songs" Catnaps _Why Don't You Whisper?_
"Femme Fatale" Tracey Thorn _A Distant Shore_
"Here She Comes Now" 800 Cherries _Romantico_
"Pale Blue Eyes" Paul Quinn & Edwyn Collins _Pale Blue Eyes_
"Oh! Sweet Nuthin'" Bry Webb _Friends In Bellwoods_
"Velvet Underground" Television Personalities _My Dark Places_
"She's My Best Friend" The Wedding Present _Singles 1989-1991_
"I Found A Reason" The Ladybug Transistor _Rabid Chords 002: Tribute To The Velvet Underground_
(part two)
"After Hours" The June Brides _Every Conversation: The Story Of Phil Wilson & The June Brides_
"Walk On The Wild Side" Kendra Morris _Mockingbird_
"Satellite Of Love" Color Filter _Sleep In A Synchrotron_
"All Tomorrows Parties" Pulnoc _City Of Hysteria_
"I'm Sticking With You" The Decemberists _Always The Bridesmaid: A Singles Series_
"I'll Be Your Mirror" Rainy Day _Rainy Day_
"Lou Reed" The Little Willies _The Little Willies_
"Temptation Inside Your Heart" Morning Benders _The Bedroom Covers_
"What Goes On" Slumber Party _Covers Up
"Foggy Notion" Jane Wiedlin _American Velvet: A Tribute To The Velvet Underground_
"Lady Godiva's Operation" Ergo Phizmiz & His Orchestra _White Light/White Heat_
"Candy Says" Angelfish _Angelfish_
"Make Up (feat. Boy George)" British Electric Foundation _Music Of Quality & Distinction, Vol. 3_
"I'm Set Free" Yo La Tengo _Genius + Love = Yo La Tengo_
Friday, November 01, 2013
Whither A Tribute To Lou Reed?
It's the least I can do. All week long folks at the station have been playing Lou Reed & Velvet Underground songs. I'm sure it's been happening all over the world, except on commercial radio stations, where they're probably only playing "Walk On The Wild Side," since that's his "hit."
I'm going to play a few songs about Lou Reed & lots of covers. There's that thing Eno said about not many people buying The Velvet Underground & Nico but everyone that did formed a band. Well, I'm going to play some of those bands tonight - the ones who were inspired enough to cover Lou Reed songs.
It's happening from ten to midnight on 88.1 fm in Lexington, & online at wrfl dot fm. & I'll probably play a cover of "Walk On The Wild Side"!
I'm going to play a few songs about Lou Reed & lots of covers. There's that thing Eno said about not many people buying The Velvet Underground & Nico but everyone that did formed a band. Well, I'm going to play some of those bands tonight - the ones who were inspired enough to cover Lou Reed songs.
It's happening from ten to midnight on 88.1 fm in Lexington, & online at wrfl dot fm. & I'll probably play a cover of "Walk On The Wild Side"!
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Preface To A Tribute To Lou Reed: Why I Cried When Lou Reed Died
It's Halloween but the weather in Lexington is awful - a storm's coming, the winds are crazy - & I'm sitting here thinking about the best way to show how much I loved & admired Lou Reed.
Neil Gaiman wrote this beautiful piece & c'mon for fuck's sake I'm going to be able to say anything better than Neil Gaiman? I feel a little unworthy when I say we shared the same experience. I'm not a musician or a writer but I know that feeling - that feeling that happened when you first put on The Velvet Underground & Nico - the first time you heard "Sunday Morning" - your brain changed for good. Forever. For good. The rest of the album confirmed your greatest hopes & fears: music would be forever changed.
I remember lying on the floor late at night listening to "Sister Ray." I was just a teenager, I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I was mesmerized but unlike most mesmerism my brain was working fine, all the synapses firing twice their normal speed. I wasn't hypnotized I was made to think & to feel & to understand.
Later on, much later on, I remember seeing a shitty band opening up for Elvis Costello, I think I was with my friend Stacy, & I told her, "Why are these assholes listening to late 70s classic rock radio & writing songs like that? If they want to learn how to write good pop songs, they should be listening to the third Velvet Underground record!" I made a promise then & there - a promise I of course never kept - to always carry a copy of that CD to throw on stage to encourage shitty bands not to be so shitty. Shitty bands! Listen to that record! You will learn how to write good songs!
& I grew up listening to classic rock radio. I grew up with older brothers who, when some song like "Takin' Care Of Business" came on the radio, they nodded wisely to themselves & said, "Mm, good song." Because they never knew there was anything else. How could they? All they knew was on commercial radio! This past week I was reminded that at one time I said to someone whom I've forgotten, I said, "Do you know? The Velvet Underground made Loaded to demonstrate what a classic rock album should be."
I don't want to discount the many years after the Velvets that Lou Reed made music. I paid attention, I did, & I've enjoyed reading all the articles about how Transformer brought gay culture into the mainstream & how Metal Machine Music is an example of how to make music entirely from spite. I loved how Lou approached everything & even if I found it unpalatable ("I Wanna Be Black"? Was that ever funny?) I appreciated his leaning & reaching & digging & discovering. I will spend the rest of my life going over the Lou Reed I haven't spend so much time with.
(Before he died, I was listening a lot to The Blue Mask. I didn't know about his liver transplant. I didn't know anything about his current situation.)
Here's the thing: I do this dumb radio show & it's filled with music I love & I can say with certainty a frightening amount of the music I love would not exist if Lou Reed hadn't become roommates with John Cale & started writing from his heart. From his broken soul.
That's why I cried when Lou Reed died.
Neil Gaiman wrote this beautiful piece & c'mon for fuck's sake I'm going to be able to say anything better than Neil Gaiman? I feel a little unworthy when I say we shared the same experience. I'm not a musician or a writer but I know that feeling - that feeling that happened when you first put on The Velvet Underground & Nico - the first time you heard "Sunday Morning" - your brain changed for good. Forever. For good. The rest of the album confirmed your greatest hopes & fears: music would be forever changed.
I remember lying on the floor late at night listening to "Sister Ray." I was just a teenager, I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I was mesmerized but unlike most mesmerism my brain was working fine, all the synapses firing twice their normal speed. I wasn't hypnotized I was made to think & to feel & to understand.
Later on, much later on, I remember seeing a shitty band opening up for Elvis Costello, I think I was with my friend Stacy, & I told her, "Why are these assholes listening to late 70s classic rock radio & writing songs like that? If they want to learn how to write good pop songs, they should be listening to the third Velvet Underground record!" I made a promise then & there - a promise I of course never kept - to always carry a copy of that CD to throw on stage to encourage shitty bands not to be so shitty. Shitty bands! Listen to that record! You will learn how to write good songs!
& I grew up listening to classic rock radio. I grew up with older brothers who, when some song like "Takin' Care Of Business" came on the radio, they nodded wisely to themselves & said, "Mm, good song." Because they never knew there was anything else. How could they? All they knew was on commercial radio! This past week I was reminded that at one time I said to someone whom I've forgotten, I said, "Do you know? The Velvet Underground made Loaded to demonstrate what a classic rock album should be."
I don't want to discount the many years after the Velvets that Lou Reed made music. I paid attention, I did, & I've enjoyed reading all the articles about how Transformer brought gay culture into the mainstream & how Metal Machine Music is an example of how to make music entirely from spite. I loved how Lou approached everything & even if I found it unpalatable ("I Wanna Be Black"? Was that ever funny?) I appreciated his leaning & reaching & digging & discovering. I will spend the rest of my life going over the Lou Reed I haven't spend so much time with.
(Before he died, I was listening a lot to The Blue Mask. I didn't know about his liver transplant. I didn't know anything about his current situation.)
Here's the thing: I do this dumb radio show & it's filled with music I love & I can say with certainty a frightening amount of the music I love would not exist if Lou Reed hadn't become roommates with John Cale & started writing from his heart. From his broken soul.
That's why I cried when Lou Reed died.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Halloweenie!
Though I did just post my recent Halloween show - the one about HELL!, I have also archived a number of old shows guaranteed to ruin or otherwise foul up any Halloween party (which probably already happened - who parties on Thursdays?). Have a look:
Here's last year's show about NIGHTMARES! It'll haunt your dreams!
Here's a show about GRAVEYARDS! Try whistling past this one!
Why visit one when you can stay in the insecurity of your own home visiting HAUNTED HOUSES?
& oh no! Just in time for the apocalypse is a show about ZOMBIES!
Maybe next year I'll put up the other shows - I only just thought of this now. Happy Halloween!
Here's last year's show about NIGHTMARES! It'll haunt your dreams!
Here's a show about GRAVEYARDS! Try whistling past this one!
Why visit one when you can stay in the insecurity of your own home visiting HAUNTED HOUSES?
& oh no! Just in time for the apocalypse is a show about ZOMBIES!
Maybe next year I'll put up the other shows - I only just thought of this now. Happy Halloween!
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Halloween 2013: Hell!
Can I say how incorrectly he described where I live? It's not a vast fiery wasteland filled with tormented souls! It's more like a planned community, with gates, & lots of McMansions, the mortgages of which you'll never pay. You know what John Milton (the realtor in Pasadena) said: "It's better to rent in heaven than to own in hell!" Pools of eternal flame are one of the perks.
Anyway, you'll be here soon enough so I won't keep you. Just be aware you can listen to this show at the hellishly dull Self Help Radio website, or, much like you can choose to end your life to come to me much faster than dying of old age (when you'll still come to me), you can listen to the show directly by choosing either part one or part two. He puts a list of songs below for you to look at. I wouldn't! I'd put it in a room full of vipers. But I have a sense of style that Gary lacks.
Oh yes, I'll see you in hell!
kisses, Lucifer
-----
(part one)
"This Is Hell" Elvis Costello _Brutal Youth_
"This Could Be Hell" Funhouse _Out Of Control 7"_
"Go To Hell" Nina Simone _Nina Simone_
"Ain't It Hell Up In Harlem" Edwin Starr _Hell Up In Harlem_
"Hell" James Brown _Hell_
"(Don't Worry) If There's A Hell Below, We're All Going To Go" Curtis Mayfield _Curtis_
"Special Dispensation - Heaven, Hell, Purgatory & Limbo" George Carlin _Class Clown_
"There's A Place In Hell For Me & My Friends" Morrissey _Kill Uncle_
"Hellbound" The Breeders _Pod_
"Highway To Hell" Ed Kuepper _The Wheelie Bin Affair_
"Aloha From Hell" The Cramps _A Date With Elvis_
(part two)
"Straight To Hell" Betse Ellis _High Moon Order_
"Everything Goes To Hell" Tom Waits _Blood Money_
"A Season In Hell" The Would-Be-Goods _Brief Lives_
"Heaven & Hell" The Who _Live At The BBC_
"Private Hell" The Jam _Setting Sons_
"Solid Gold Hell" The Scientists _Absolute_
"All Hell Breaks Loose" The Misfits _Walk Among Us_
"Hell" Streetlight Manifesto _99 Songs Of Revolution Volume One_
"New Maps Of Hell" Ron House _New Wave As The Next Guy: The Moses Carry Out & Twisted Shouts Years, 1978-1981_
"Gidget Goes To Hell" Suburban Lawns _Gidget Goes To Hell_
"A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Hell (I Got Saved, Saved, Saved)" Sammy Hall _A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Hell (I Got Saved, Saved, Saved)_
"New Face In Hell" The Fall _The Complete Peel Sessions 1978-2004_
"Season In Hell" Dum Dum Girls _End Of Daze_
Friday, October 25, 2013
Whither Hell?
Happy Halloween a week early! Tonight's show examines HELL!
Might it be like this? Only Jack Chick knows for sure! & he'll tell you. Over & over. Beat you over the head with it, really.
People often say to me things like, "Self Help Radio can go to hell." Tonight it does! Two hours of musical theology as we explore hell in song. Also, I'll do my best to guarantee I'll go to hell by saying blasphemous things on the air. Win/win!
Ten pm to midnight on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington & online at wrfl.fm. Listen as if your soul depended on it!
People often say to me things like, "Self Help Radio can go to hell." Tonight it does! Two hours of musical theology as we explore hell in song. Also, I'll do my best to guarantee I'll go to hell by saying blasphemous things on the air. Win/win!
Ten pm to midnight on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington & online at wrfl.fm. Listen as if your soul depended on it!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Preface To Hell: Halloween Accounting
I've been doing Self Help Radio for like eleven years now. Halloween is one of those holidays I like to celebrate with a different theme each year related to it. I could do one of those "general" shows like I do during Christmas, especially since I'm running out of themes. Look:
2003 - "Halloween"
2004 - no Halloween show
2005 - "Vampires"
2006 - "Monsters"
2007 - "Zombies"
2008 - "Witches"
2009 - "Werewolves"
2010 - "Haunted Houses"
2011 - "Graveyards"
2012 - "Nightmares"
This week is about "Hell." But aren't I running out of Halloween themes? Here are a few future idears:
- Mummies
- Voodoo
- Japanese Monsters
If you have any others, I'd be glad to hear them. While I don't know if I'm going to be doing the show for three more years - you never know! - I'd like to have a bunch of ideas to fall back on.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Everything Oldie Is New Again
There's a radio shift - five to seven a.m. - on Thursday mornings on WRFL that the student who took it in September decided not to ever show up for. It has caused the station's Program Director a great deal of grief. A couple of weeks ago, I told him, "I can sub it until you find someone." The autumn had been generally mild, & I didn't see the harm in waking up early just to play on the radio for a couple of hours. Then a cold front swept through...
It'll be in the 30s (Fahrenheit) tomorrow morning. Brrr. But I am a little glad that I am temporarily holding down this spot - my first radio show, on KVRX, in Austin, was from five to seven in the morning, starting in August 1994.
Which means I've been doing this for almost twenty years.
At the time, KVRX was a few years old, but had never broadcast on air in Austin. Those were the days of "cable fm." In fact, KVRX had just changed its call letters from KTSB in anticipation of getting an fm license (there was - is? - a KTSB elsewhere). When I went to KVRX in the summer of 1994, I had no desire to be a disc jockey - I had just wanted to volunteer & help out, maybe review some CDs. I didn't know I'd be starting a lifelong love affair. Someone should have warned me!
In those days. two long decades ago, I didn't have a car, so I'd wake at 3:30 am, shower, & walk to the station. I lived near 45th street & Red River in Austin, so the walk would take about 45 minutes. It was Texas, so there was rarely, if ever, terrible weather with which to contend. I don't remember, for example, having to walk in extreme cold or rain. I must have - but I walked everywhere in those days, or bussed.
Now I get up, let the dogs out, brush my teeth, & drive to the station in the cold. I bet that WRFL is closer to me now than KVRX was. But I don't trust weather reports - it might be below freezing tomorrow morning.
Before WRFL got rid of three-hour blocks, I separated the three hours I spent on the radio into two shows, Self Help Radio & a freeform show I called "Sugar Substitute," after the wonderful Luxuriator song. I even archived those shows.
But I'm not calling this little two hour block Sugar Substitute because it ain't my show. It's just me helping out, making sure someone else doesn't have to schlep up to the station at a godawful time of the morning to drowsily spin tunes. Except it isn't godawful. No one's on the road. It's strangely peaceful.
Except, you know, that one person who's driving like he (it's usually a he) really fucking needs to be somewhere twelve minutes ago even though there's no one but me on the road with him. If he could honk & curse at me for taking my sweet time he would.
This little detour on the radio has reminded me how much I liked the world when it's mostly asleep. Part of my misanthropy, perhaps, or memories of staying up late & wandering around Garland, Texas, at a young adult trying to figure out life.
Now, though, I kind of wish I had been able to spend that time on the radio. The closest community radio station to where I lived was (& still is) KNON in Dallas. I can't even imagine how far of a walk that would have been.
It'll be in the 30s (Fahrenheit) tomorrow morning. Brrr. But I am a little glad that I am temporarily holding down this spot - my first radio show, on KVRX, in Austin, was from five to seven in the morning, starting in August 1994.
Which means I've been doing this for almost twenty years.
At the time, KVRX was a few years old, but had never broadcast on air in Austin. Those were the days of "cable fm." In fact, KVRX had just changed its call letters from KTSB in anticipation of getting an fm license (there was - is? - a KTSB elsewhere). When I went to KVRX in the summer of 1994, I had no desire to be a disc jockey - I had just wanted to volunteer & help out, maybe review some CDs. I didn't know I'd be starting a lifelong love affair. Someone should have warned me!
In those days. two long decades ago, I didn't have a car, so I'd wake at 3:30 am, shower, & walk to the station. I lived near 45th street & Red River in Austin, so the walk would take about 45 minutes. It was Texas, so there was rarely, if ever, terrible weather with which to contend. I don't remember, for example, having to walk in extreme cold or rain. I must have - but I walked everywhere in those days, or bussed.
Now I get up, let the dogs out, brush my teeth, & drive to the station in the cold. I bet that WRFL is closer to me now than KVRX was. But I don't trust weather reports - it might be below freezing tomorrow morning.
Before WRFL got rid of three-hour blocks, I separated the three hours I spent on the radio into two shows, Self Help Radio & a freeform show I called "Sugar Substitute," after the wonderful Luxuriator song. I even archived those shows.
But I'm not calling this little two hour block Sugar Substitute because it ain't my show. It's just me helping out, making sure someone else doesn't have to schlep up to the station at a godawful time of the morning to drowsily spin tunes. Except it isn't godawful. No one's on the road. It's strangely peaceful.
Except, you know, that one person who's driving like he (it's usually a he) really fucking needs to be somewhere twelve minutes ago even though there's no one but me on the road with him. If he could honk & curse at me for taking my sweet time he would.
This little detour on the radio has reminded me how much I liked the world when it's mostly asleep. Part of my misanthropy, perhaps, or memories of staying up late & wandering around Garland, Texas, at a young adult trying to figure out life.
Now, though, I kind of wish I had been able to spend that time on the radio. The closest community radio station to where I lived was (& still is) KNON in Dallas. I can't even imagine how far of a walk that would have been.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Self Help Radio 101813: Sam's Show
Hi, I'm Sam. Gary made a show for me. Then he said I had to talk about it. I said, I don't want to. He said, tough, I made a show for you now you've got to say something about it. I said, I didn't ask for any show. What sort of weirdo makes a radio show full of songs about someone named Sam & then springs it on him? He said, you've never loved me! I said, I barely know you!
Anyway, the show is now on the Self Help Radio website. If you don't want to go there - I sure don't - but your name is Sam & you're curious, the show is in two parts, & there are quick links here: for part one & for part two. I think Gary puts a list of songs below.
Oh man, he made one of those graphics. This is too much. I'm going to get a restraining order.
Sincerely,
Sam
(part one)
"Everybody's Talking About Sammy" Sam Morgan's Jazz Band _Jazz The World Forgot_
"Chizzlin' Sam (feat. Eva Taylor)" Clarence Williams' Jug Band _Clarence Williams & His Orchestra, Vol. 1: 1933-1934_
"Sam The Hot Dog Man" Lil Johnson _Raunchy Business: Hot Nuts & Lollypops_
"One Eyed Sam" Eldon Baker & His Brown County Revellers _Roots n' Blues - The Retrospective_
"Three Ball Sam (The Pawn Shop Man)" Pearl Traylor with Chuck Thomas & His All Stars _The OKeh Rhythm & Blues Story 1949-1957_
"Flat Foot Sam Met Jim Dandy" TV Slim _Chess Rhythm & Roll_
"Switch Blade Sam" Jeff Daniels _Rockin' Bones: 1950's Punk & Rockabilly_
"Who Shot Sam" Wanda Jackson _Rockin' With Wanda!_
"Uncle Sam's Blues" Hot Lips Page _The Savoy Story_
"Uncle Sam Says" Josh White _Songs For Political Action: Folk Music, Topical Songs & The American Left 1935-1954, Vol 2 - Theatre & Cabaret Performers 1936-1941_
"Uncle Sam Come & Get Him" Wee Bea Booze _The Ladies In Blues_
"Greetings (This Is Uncle Sam)" The Valadiers _The Complete Motown Singles 1959-1961_
"Please Uncle Sam (Send Back My Man)" The Charmels _Does Anybody Know I'm Here?: Vietnam Through The Eyes Of Black America 1962-1972_
"Sam's Song" Sammy Davis Jr. & Dean Martin _The Sammy Davis Jr. Show With Special Guests Stars_
"Sam" The Castaways _The Big Hits Of Mid-America: The Soma Records Story 1963 - 1967_
(part two)
"Remember Sam" The Easybeats _Gonna Have A Good Time: The Complete US & UK Singles Collection_
"Mohair Sam" Mouse & The Traps _The Fraternity Years_
"Sammy" The Montanas _Ripples, Volume 2: Dreamtime (British Sunshine Pop)_
"Sammy" Ernie Smith _The Best Of Ernie Smith_
"Damn Sam The Miracle Man" Damn Sam The Miracle Man & The Soul Congregation _Damn Sam The Miracle Man & The Soul Congregation_
"Sam" Hurricane Smith _Don't Let It Die_
"Sam The Samba Man" Rah Band _Sam The Samba Man_
"Sam Loves You" Severed Heads _Come Visit The Big Bigot_
"Telegram Sam" Bauhaus _Swing The Heartache: The BBC Sessions_
"Sam" Meat Puppets _Forbidden Places_
"Lucifer Sam" True West _Hollywood Holiday_
"Sam" Boss Hog _Boss Hog_
"Sam Hall" Richard Thompson _1000 Years Of Popular Music_
"Sam & Molly Are In Love" Little Name _How To Swim & Live_
"Goodbye Sam Hello Samantha" Cliff Richard _Jackie The Album_
"Samantha Secret Agent" All Girl Summer Fun Band _2_
"Samantha" The Mantles _The Mantles_