Whither Confessions?

First of all, it says "Confess!" on the website, but I have always meant the theme to be "confessions."  I don't know why I wrote "confess!" on the website.  I think I am guilty about something.

I don't know how many confessions you will hear, but I have at least one song that talks about confessing to the cops, & more about confessing to one's priest.  It'll happen tonight at 10pm on 88.1 fm in Lexington & online at wrfl.fm.  Please to listen & feel free to add your own confessions.

Preface To Confessions: That's Not Funny, That's Sick!

I was a child in the 1970s, & had two older brothers who lived with us in their teenage years & whose cultural detritus littered my life.  Mostly I read their comic books, but increasingly I was exposed to their music & some of the other stuff (like drug paraphernalia & girlie mags) they left around or kept in their room where I & my little brother would break into & explore when they were off doing stuff.  (Remind me to tell you of the time I ate a lot of strawberry-flavored rolling papers because I thought they were supposed to be a treat.)  (Oh, wait, I just told you.)

One of the more enduring records they left lying about was this National Lampoon record, released in 1977 & featuring people like Bill Murray, Christopher Guest, & Larraine Newman.  I listened to this record a million times - & frankly I didn't understand much of it.  I just liked the way it sounded.  I didn't get that Mr. Rogers was portrayed as a pedophile, I definitely didn't get the Jewish humor, & I have never really heard a call-in show like the one Richard Belzer is making fun of.  But probably by the age of ten I had good chunks of it memorized.

I didn't know what a Catholic was when I was ten, & I barely knew anything about sex, not to mention euphemisms for our naughty parts.  So I had no context for this amazing (& short) sketch between Bill Murray & his brother Brian Doyle-Murray, with the latter playing a priest & the former a fellow in the confessional.  Have a listen courtesy of Youtube, but be warned - there are lots of bad words here:



It's really funny when you understand the set-up - a guy says a bad word in the confessional, the priest says "I've heard it all before," & then the two banter horrible indecencies back & forth.  Imagine a nine or ten-year-old who had barely been to a protestant church trying to make sense of them.  Never mind the outright dirty phrases - I wouldn't get "Madame Ovary" until I was in my late teens!

I do remember repeating the "afterbirth on toast - that's pizza" to a friend who found it very funny, but even then I didn't know what the hell afterbirth was.

It was fun learning the context of the sketch & revisiting the record years later.  I played that record so much that it came to skip on certain tracks - the curse of the cheap turntable - & I eventually just put it back in my brothers' record collection & hoped they never noticed it.  If they did, they never told me.

I am thinking about this because I would love love love to play this on WRFL tomorrow for my confession show, but the station's policy on indecency makes it impossible - & editing it would take all the funny out of it.  But I can post it here!

Happy New Year!

2014 will be a strange & ridiculous year for Self Help Radio.  In the next few days, you'll see why.

I made the wife a margarita & talked to one of my oldest friends on the phone on New Year's Eve.  Meanwhile, at the beginning of the year, Lexingtonians fired off lots of fireworks & made a lot of noise.  Strangely, it seemed more quiet than in previous years - but maybe my neighborhood went to bed early (or went to more happening places for parties).

Now it's the new year, & I guess I don't feel any different.  It may snow tomorrow.  I have a show on Friday.  My neck kind of hurts.  I need to watch "Orange Is The New Black."  Does that sound any different than 2013?

I know, we need rituals.  I should've been involved in a ritual.  What makes me think I'm better than any ritual?  Silly me!

Self Help Radio 122713: Indiepop A To Z # 42

Eeek!  I've soldiered through the letter H & now have begun the letter I.  I am glad no one has recommended me to the funny farm yet.

It's the end of the year, but the show's on the same old website: self help radio dot net.  It's also in two easy-to-download parts: part the one & part the two.  Alphabetical list of songs below.

Happy new year!

(part one)
"Too Young To Be In Love" Hunx & His Punx _Too Young To Be In Love_
"Fluoro" Huon _Library Records 1998 - 2003_
"The Sun Shines Here" Hurrah! _The Sun Shines Here 7"_

"Step Into My World" Hurricane # 1 _Hurricane # 1_
"Not That Easy" The Hurries _EardrumsPop 100_
"Saturday" Hushpad _From Here To There_
"Flower Of The Hour" Lida Husik _Joyride_
"When Time Was On Their Side" Husky Rescue _Ship Of Light_

"Sometimes You're Incredible" Hyacinth Girls _The Sound Of Leamington Spa Vol. 6_
"See Me Through" The Hybirds _The Hybirds_
"Questions I Can't Answer" Hydroplane (Darla 100)
"Car & Kettle" Hyper Kinako _Hyper Kinako_
"No Te Sientas Mal" Hypnomango _Ashell IV_

"Me To Be" I Am The World Trade Center _Out Of The Loop_

(part two)

"Charlemagne" The I Live The Life Of A Movie Star Hideout _Moshi Moshi (Pop International Style)_
"Preposterous Tales" I, Ludicrous _It's Like Everything Else_
"Norman Bleik" I Was A King _I Was A King_
"Lemonade & Somersaults" The Icicles _Pure Sugar EP_

"Poor Dumb Bird" Ida _Ten Small Paces_
"The Knack & How To Get It" The Idea _Sideways Smile_
"High Over Hollywood" Idha _Melody Inn_
"Loaded" Idle Hands _The Heart We Broke On The Way To The Show_

"Five Hours" Igloo _Pop American Style_
"Johnny Be Tristan" Iji _Unltd. Cool Drinks_
"We're From Barcelona" I'm From Barcelona _Sing!! With I'm From Barcelona_
"Brighton Beach Postcard" The Imaginary Friend _Letters Home_

"Pop Girl" The Immediates _A Chance To Shine - Dorian Records Compilation_
"The Things You Love" Impossible Tymes _Try A Little Sunshine: A Greek Indiepop Compilation_
"Baby, Baby" The Impossible Years _Baby, Baby_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 42?

Eek! It's late! I'm on in less than hour!

I continue indiepop alphabetical nonsense from ten to midnight on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington & online at wrfl.fm!  Listen if you appreciate the fine art of indiepop or doing things in a dictionary-type style!

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 42: What Is Boxing Day Anyway?

Elvis Costello seems to know:

Happy Christmas From Self Help Radio!

Though I don't celebrate Christmas - I often tell people who ask me why that I am not a Christian, & I don't have children, so there's not a lot of participating for me in the holiday - I do remember how wonderful it was when I was a child (a childhood, by the way, in which Santa seemed a hell of a lot more important than Jesus ever did) & I understand that it's a good idea to have a time that you can spend with your family, because that's important for most of us.

This year I made my wife go to California to spend Christmas with her mother, & I think I even convinced her to visit her father.  It's after five pm on Christmas Day & my own mother hasn't even called yet.  That would bother her if she were in my place, but I liked spending three hours on the radio this morning, & I liked sleeping through most of the day (although I did catch a cold this week - my first one this year, I believe - & I caught it from being in a house with small children, who are sickness incubators).  The wife is getting on a plane & will be home in time for boxing day when, I hope, we get a chance to go at it again in the ring - she luckily ko'd me in the third round last time.  She distracted me with flirting.

I do love Christmas carols.  Like television theme songs & advertising jingles & Saturday morning "educational" songs, they figure prominently in my childhood.  I do a radio show about them every year!  So I enjoy some aspects of the season.  Though I don't buy anything, or give gifts, or spend time with family, or believe any of the myths & superstitions associated with the holiday, there is something nice about it, & I hope you are having fun doing whatever you are doing on Christmas Day!

Self Help Radio 122013: A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2013

Hey!  It's Christmastime!  I should do a Christmas show.  Like I do every year!  I did!  I did it!  Another Christmas show!  In the can!  Wrapped under your tree!  Sneaky in your stocking!  Ho ho ho!

Radio show here ---> selfhelpradio.net

Or here in two parts ---> part I | part II

What songs did I play ---> listed below.

Happy holidays all!

(part one)

"Rod Serling Explains The First Christmas" National Lampoon _Buy This Box Or We'll Shoot This Dog: The Best Of The National Lampoon Radio Hour_
"The Twelve Days Of Christmas" The Master Chorale Of Tampa Bay & The Florida Orchestra _A Musicological Journey Through The Twelve Days Of Christmas_

"¿Dònde Està Santa Claus? (Where Is Santa Claus?)" Augie Rios _Christmas Songs_
"Let Me Be Your Christmas Toy" Chocolate Snow _Eccentric Soul: Smart's Palace_
"L'il Elfy" Ray Bolger _L'il Elfy_
"I Can't Wait" Richard X Heyman _I Can't Wait_

"The Ho Ho Chorus" The Queen Bees _The Queen Bees Buzz Christmas_
"A Very Very Merry Christmas" The Singing Grandmothers _A Very Very Merry Christmas_
"Christmas Caroling" Louis C.K. _Live In Houston_
"Christmas Shopping" Buck Owens & His Buckeroos _Christmas Shopping_
"Christmas" Clinic _Come Into Our Room_
"Little Stars" Holly Golightly _Little Stars_

"The Mistletoe & Me" Isaac Hayes _The Complete Stax-Volt Soul Singles, Vol. 2: 1968-1971_
"God Rest Ye Funky Bhangra" James Whetzel _Holiday: Sarod & Beats_

(part two)

"Green Chri$tma$" Stan Freberg _The Tip Of The Freberg: The Stan Freberg Collection 1951-1998_
"Twinkle" JD McPherson _Twinkle_

"The Little Drummer Boy" Kool & The Gang _Kool For The Holidays_
"You Are My" Big Tree _Decembet EP_
"The Smallest Christmas Tree" Ashtray Boy _Candypants Beach_
"The Snow Doesn't Fall" The Aislers Set _A Christmas Gift From Fortuna Pop, Volume One_
"Everything Is One Big Christmas Tree" The Magnetic Fields _Realism_

"When Santa Claus Gets Your Letter" Anne Lloyd & The Sandpipers _When Santa Claus Gets Your Letter_
"Santa Couldn't Fit You Under My Tree" Summer Hymns _Kindercore Fifty_
"Christmas At The Airport" Nick Lowe _Quality Street: A Seasonal Selection For All The Family_
"The Night Before Christmas (In Texas, That Is)" Gene Autry _Merry Texas Christmas, You All!_

"Back To The Beat (Jingle Bells Version)" Astonomar _A Very Decent Christmas_
"The Snowdog" MomusMcClymont _MomusMcClymont_
"Kiss You In The Snow" The School _Yo, También (Me, Too) OST_
"Am I Too Old For Christmas?" The Ashes _Mint 400 Records: A Very Merry Christmas Compilation_

Whither A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2013?

'Twas five days before Christmas, Self Help Radio's on the air,
But Lexington was shopping - less they could not care.
Still Gary was deejaying, playing holiday tunes
When he felt a strange presence right there in the room.
"Damn those moths & cockroaches!" he cursed, shaking his fist -
Until he thought he heard a slight "Tsk, tsk, tsk."
Holy shit! It was Santa! This could not be!
It was the last time Gary'd do radio after dropping LSD!
"I am not a figment," said the jolly old dude,
"Of imagination, as you previously construed.
I am dear old Nick, & I wanted to say
Despite your humbuggery & atheist ways
That I appreciate you & your radio shows…"
Then he put his fat finger right up to his nose
& blam! he crashed right up through the ceiling
Into his waiting sleigh - Gary was reeling.
"If that wasn't real, I'm insane," he said on the air,
"Plus he talked in rhyme - I swear I swear!"
After his show, a show no one listened to
He drove home in the cold, he was sleepy too.
But at his front door, what's this he did see?
A present from Santa - the new Fall LP!
So Gary was muttering as he bid the evening farewell
"Happy Christmas to all - but especially listeners of WRFL."

Self Help Radio on tonight from 10 to midnight on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington, & also online wherever Santa may be on wrfl dot fm.  Christmas tunes!

Preface To A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2013: My Take On This Whole Cultural Mess Of The Season (Part XIII)

Hey!  Can you believe it?  Someone or something barely famous (or really famous) did said tweeted implied something offensive!  Then someone who disagreed with me agreed with them!  That makes me so mad I've spent the afternoon in the "comments" section of every website I visit!

I am sometimes glad I watch the television show The Soup, so I can be vaguely aware of things that are happening in the culture that I manage to avoid.  Rich people who are famous for being famous, pop singers who no-one will remember a few years from now, & of course the "stars" of "reality" television.  One of whom said something offensive recently.  Which didn't offend me because I don't know who that person is & I don't think someone who's famous for being in a reality TV show has an opinion that I care to know.

The other thing I saw people upset about had something to do with musicians being inducted into some rock & roll awards thing.  I am always a little amused that otherwise sensible people pay attention to that - like the Grammys & other music awards shows, it's never really about how good or important the music is but how much money it has made the parasites in the music industry (I'm sorry, I meant "executives").  The music world suffers for that - commercial radio accounts for less than 1% of 1% of the music being made in the world, & so they naturally can't focus on the quality of music made.  It's all about moolah.

Christmas is, too, but like with popular culture, I don't generally participate.  Except with my Christmas show.  Which I need to go work on bye!

Trans Atlantic Anti-Galactic Power Chord Squadron XTT (Captured In Action)

Meeting room site undisclosed: somehow we missed the instructions and have landed instead over there.

That's Mitch, he insists on being called a quadroon instead of squadron leader and so far no one has corrected him because he's also scary.

No one brought enough ice cream for everyone and I know I will be left out.

This implant will enable you to transmit your coordinates whether or not you're conscious and I don't care if you're 'anti-vax' we're fucking putting it in your neck.

No cell reception out here; we need a better satellite.

Brian wants to make first contact and he imagines it will be all sort of awkward, like bumping into a beautiful woman at a party, relying upon charm to save the situation.

Injury du jour: torn rotator cuff.

Motherfucker thinks he's funny, he keep saying "brought to you by" and then some dumbass made-up company like "sticky's licorice" or "cream's corn dogs."

How did they know there was an invasion I mean we can barely figure out whether some rock the size of Manhattan is about to hit us and you're talking about an other-worldly alien invasion.

Computer says "holes in dimensional fabric spotted over Albuquerque," prompting at least half the squad to make Bugs Bunny jokes.

Teeth are grit - gritted - gret? - what's the past tense of "to grit"?

Invaders burst into our reality, then fall from the sky in the shape of teardrops, evaporating before hitting the ground.

"No one was expecting that," Mitch says, "it's a bit of a let-down."

Instant congressional hearing - those toys cost the taxpayers a lot of money!

Mitch pats his back & tells him, "You would've kicked their asses - if they had had asses."

Self Help Radio 121313: Gary's Favorite Music Of 2013

I haven't been listening to what America has been listening to, which I think is just fine.  They can debate what is "the best" & "the most important" etc. & I'll just share what I've listened to most.  If only we all had a radio show, we wouldn't need this sort of conversation!

The entire show + an hour more (I am terrible at whittling down lists) at Self Help Radio website.  Or go directly to part one or part two or part three, & look below, I saw what's in each part.

Make your own radio show & share what your favorites are!

(part one)

"Bad Skin" Hunx & His Punx _Street Punk_
"Keep Exhaling" Wire _Change Becomes Us_
"True Vulture" Nobunny _Secret Songs: Reflections From The Ear Mirror_
"They're Feeding" Terry Malts _Nobody Realizes This Is Nowhere_
"Boys To Men" Bent Shapes _Feels Weird_

"Amorator!" The Fall _The Remainderer_
"Awake" Iceage _You're Nothing_
"Girls Like Us" Julie Ruin _Run Fast_
"No Tic, All Tac" Tullycraft _Lost In Light Rotation_
"Into Blue" Frankie Rose _Herein Wild_

"Hot Sour Salty Sweet" The Dirtbombs _Ooey Gooey Chewy Ka-Blooey!_
"Karaoke" Spectrals _Sob Story_
"Date It" Golden Grrrls _Golden Grrrls_
"Meditations" Holograms _Forever_
"Pretend To Be Brave" Boat _Pretend To Be Brave_

"Tripwire" Elvis Costello & The Roots _Wise Up Ghost & Other Songs_
"Parallel" MomusMcClymont _MomusMcClynont_

(part two)

"Check My Heart" The Pastels _Slow Summits_
"Is That Enough" Yo La Tengo _Fade_

"Age Of Victoria" The Secret History _Americans Singing In The Dark_
"Living, Loving, Partygoing" Future Bible Heroes _Partygoing_
"Just To Be Like You" Ski Lodge _Big Heart_
"A Sex Maybe" Mike Birbiglia _My Girlfriend's Boyfriend_

"Q&A: Advice For The Audience" Eugene Mirman _An Evening Of Comedy In A Fake, Underground Laboratory_
"Signal 30" Public Service Broadcasting _Inform - Educate - Entertain_
"Boo Hoo" Dot Wiggin Band _Ready! Get! Go!_
"Delicate Cycle" The Uncluded _Hokey Fright_

"Canned Tomatoes (Whole)" Courtney Barnett _The Double EP: A Sea Of Split Peas_
"When He Tells Me" Colleen Green _Sock It To Me_
"Wind-Up" Pity Sex _Feast of Love_

(part three)

"Mermaids" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _Push The Sky Away_
"Hypnotic Regression" Girls Names _The New Life_
"Sound Of A Void" Wax Idols _Discipline & Desire_
"Cri Du Coeur" Camera Obscura _Desire Lines_
"Marbled Birds" The Mantles _Long Enough To Leave_

"Better Luck Next Time" King Khan & The Shrines _Idle No More_
"Love Isn't A Right" Momus _Bambi_
"No One Knows Nothing Anymore" Billy Bragg _Tooth & Nail_
"Graveyard" Joanna Gruesome _Weird Sister_
"Suicide Pact" Tochigi _Tochigi_

"Ark Of Life" Minks _Tides End_
"Perfect World" The Proctors _Everlasting Light_
"Canteen" Superhumanoids _Exhibitionists_
"Musicians Are Scum" Pere Ubu _Lady from Shanghai_
"Paul's Not Home" Gibby Haynes _Paul's Not Home_

"Job" Iggy & The Stooges _Ready To Die_
"You Are A Lion, I Am A Lamb" Ex Cops _True Hallucinations_
"Borrowed Time" Parquet Courts _Light Up Gold_
"Sir William Wray" The Fall _Re-Mit_

Whither Gary's Favorite Music 2013

Every year, the same old thing.  I sometimes think I should do this like a list or a countdown - but that's so hard to do.  Until I time myself - I must've listened to this record one hundred times but it seems I only listened to it ninety-three times! - I'll never know how to numerically represent my favorites.  I do know (like I talked about yesterday) you're not going to hear the things every seems to agree were the BEST of 2013.  I don't even agree with something as democratic (but with metalheads over-representing) as rate your music dot com, which has Sigur Ros, Peter Brotzmann, & Boards of Canada in the top three slots.  & even though I really haven't listened to any of those, I think it's safe to say those are better than Kanye West, Miley Cyrus, & Vampire Weekend, who are all supported by giant corporations who give critics all the copies they want, plus other swag, for free.  No wonder they end up on year-end lists!

I'm too cynical.  Listen to me say night things about bands I love tonight from ten p.m. to midnight on 88.1 fm in Lexington & online at wrfl dot fm.  I found so much music that I loved that I might add more to the show when I finally put it up at the Self Help Radio website.

Preface To Gary's Favorite's 2013: Other People Know Better

I can only conclude, after a short sampling of "best of" lists, that I am really almost completely out of touch with what people think is "good."  Did I say "people"?  I meant "critics."

The Rolling Stone list actually has two or three records I liked (out of maybe six I actually listened to), but - this is the bizarre thing - they include classic-rock-types (like Paul McCartney & David Bowie) as well as hip hop & country & pop.  Is it me or should these not even be in competition?  Are there radio stations (besides non-commercial ones) who'll play Keith Urban & Nine Inch Nails back-to-back?  You get the impression they're trying to appeal to a wider audience somehow…

The Bowie record, which is on their list, isn't bad; it's just dull.  Bowie fans want to like it, which probably also explains the Paul McCartney placement.  Vampire Weekend's new one is number one on the Rolling Stone list, which is weird, because everyone at RFL who played claimed to hate it.  My feeling is, it'll be forgotten in several years - like, I'm afraid, most of the things of this list.  Right now, though, I get the impression they're there because they made some important people a lot of money.

NPR's list forgoes the "best of" (they got that from me) & also includes electronica & jazz.  The question again is: why not have different lists?  Surely there's someone out there who thinks a particular metal CD is better than something like Blood Orange!  Why make those dudes (& you know they're all dudes) feel even more excluded than they already feel?

Pitchfork says "best" but the title is actually "highest-rated."  Does anyone read Pitchfork anymore?  Since when?

Spin has a lot more hip hop than the others.  Is that now who buys Spin?  White guys who like hip hop?

It's not strange to me that nothing I like makes the top 25 or whatever any more.  I have never had my finger on the pulse of what people like.  Well, maybe when I listened to commercial radio, some time before 1989 or so.  Even then, I was liking bands that now seem popular - Cure, Smiths, etc. - but then were "weird" or "obscure."  The first time I played the Smiths in a car with one of my classic-rock-raised brothers, he thought it was a joke.  Like something off of Dr. Demento.

All of which means nothing - opinion is opinion.  If you like to have your opinions backed up by magazines & websites, then you can see if they agree with you.  But the term "best" - it doesn't make any sense this early on.  My own opinion is that a lot of these records will, in a decade or so, be completely forgotten.

Today's Figure Of Speech: Bdelygmia

Spellcheck don't know this word: bdelgymia.  & why should it?  It's a heartless, unthinking, unfeeling, crappily compiled, moronically written, basic to the point of stupid piece of code in the middle of an unsatisfying, poorly-designed, horribly executed so-called What You See Is the Worst You Get content management system.

Not really.  I was just employing the bdelgymia.  It basically means a litany of abuse, sort of like what Michael Palin gets when he accidentally walks into the Abuse room while looking for the Argument room.  Graham Chapman describes him as a "vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert!"

This page has a lot more examples.

I don't really know how to pronounce it, though.

Self Help Radio 120613: A Touch Of Velvet

Beginning a new tradition: radio shows about fabrics!  I can't wait for some enterprising deejay to do one about gingham!

Show is at web site.  Or it's in two parts, called part one & then part two.  List of songs below.

So lustrous!

(part one)

"Velvet" PBNJ Buchanan _Velvet Blue_
"Soft Velvety 'Fer" MC Honky _I Am The Messiah_
"Velvet Pants" Propellorheads _Decksanddrumsandrockandroll_

"The Velvet Glove" Jerry Colonna _The Velvet Glove_
"A Touch Of Velvet, A Sting Of Brass" Mood Mosaic _The Swingin' Sixties_
"Velvet Illusions" Velvet Illusions _Pebbles, Vol. 9: Southern California 2_
"Velvet Sunsets" The Music Emporium _The Music Emporium_
"Velvet Cave" Silver Apples _Silver Apples_

"Velvet Goldmine" David Bowie _The Rise & Fall Of Ziggy Stardust & The Spiders From Mars_
"Some Velvet Morning" Lydia Lunch & Roland S. Howard _Some Velvet Morning_
"Velvet Launderette" Poison Girls _Statement: The Complete Recordings_
"Black Velvet" Swell Maps _Train Out Of It_

"Black Velvet" The Lilac Time _The Lilac Time_
"Velvet Days" Kristin Hersh _Hips & Makers_

(part two)

"Orpheus In Red Velvet" Marc Almond _Enchanted_
"Deep Velvet" Chris & Cosey _Trust_

"Torn Green Velvet Eyes" The Magnetic Fields _Holiday_
"Deep In Velvet" Phillip Boa & Voodooclub _Boa Best Singles_
"Velvt Atmosphere" Peppermint _Keep Your Chin Up There, Sailor_

"Paint Me On Velvet" Austin Lounge Lizards _Paint Me On Velvet_
"Deadweight On Velveteen" Jose Gonzalez _Veneer_
"Another Velvet Nightmare" Frank Black _Honeycomb_

"Velvet Morning" Weird Dreams _Choreography_
"Velveteen" The Rose Of Avalanche _Indie Top 20 Vol. 1_
"Velvet Itch" Bass Drum Of Death _GB City_

Whither A Touch Of Velvet?

I promise, I had this show planned before dear old Lou Reed left us.  I can't say what I had been listening to that brought me to the decision to make a radio show about a fabric - perhaps my first radio show about a fabric.  (I should keep better records.)

I don't think I own anything that's velvet.  Let me ask my wife.  She says no.  Oh well.  I do like the way it feels!

The Self Help Radio show I'm calling "a touch of velvet" will be on tonight (Friday) from 10pm til midnight.  On 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington, or online at wrfl dot fm.

I will probably use the word "lustrous" a lot.

Preface To A Touch Of Velvet: RIP Nelson Mandela

As I started to write this, I learned that Nelson Mandela has died.  It's hard to be serious about a dumb radio show in light of such news.

I wrote on the Facebook that he was one of my lifetime's real heroes.  Like a lot of indie kids growing up in the 1980s, I learned about him from the Specials' song.  I think, for me specifically, it was because Elvis Costello produced it that it found its way into my head - I was a huge Elvis fan & otherwise knew nothing about South Africa at the time.  Later, of course, was the big Artists United Against Apartheid song "Sun City," which, it turns out, I'm lucky to have heard, since half of American stations wouldn't play it because it criticized Reagan.

I took a class in my last year of college, in 1991, which was about the literature of South Africa.  I can't remember the professor's name - I think he was Dutch - he died some time in the 1990s - but the general feel of the apartheid literature was that it wouldn't end without a bloodbath.  Or at least some violence.  Thinking now about the character of Nelson Mandela, it's a wonder the requisite doubts we had were so great.

I don't have much to say - never been to South Africa, you know - maybe never will (although the wife has, & she's loved it).  Just remembering the unforgettable, the greatness & humility & strength of Nelson Mandela.  What a life!

The Invention Of The Glitch

Meet Elmo Notio, the inventor of the glitch.
Before Elmo, they say, things went off without a hitch!
(Mainly because no one knew Price Robert Fitch
Who promoted, not invented, the wonderful hitch.)
So people went without, they'd moan, they'd bitch,
Some person might scratch, the other might itch.
A friend, then, to Elmo Notio did snitch:
"Do you see what happens when they throw the switch?
It's lovely! It's perfect!  Why, it makes me twitch!"
"Hmmp," said young Elmo, "a dreadful sales pitch.
I'm a poor, young inventor who longs to be rich!"
But Elmo & his friend, whose name was Mitch,
Visited a local consortium, which
Advised them to find their own personal niche.
& Elmo, who felt his life was in the ditch,
Abandoned old Mitch to his despair & his twitch,
& decided he must the perfect workplace enrich.
At home he worked furiously, like a tailor on a stitch,
He cackled like crazy, high & wicked, like a witch,
Till suddenly, by accident, he invented the glitch!
In days of old, things now rare, like perfect pitch,
Were as common as nostalgia, & irony, & kitsch.
All because of Elmo Notio, & his ubiquitous glitch.
(Also, you'll know, things go off with a hitch.
No one is more happy than Price Robert Fitch.)
Glitches are everywhere, & as much as you'd wish
They failed to make poor Elmo Notio rich.

Self Help Radio 112930: Magda's Birthday Show 2013

Wife: It's my birthday! It's my birthday!
Me: Happy birthday!
Wife: Not good enough.  Radio show, please.
Me: But...  I've done one for you for seven years!
Wife: More, please.
Me: I'm running out of birthday songs!
Wife: More more more, please.
Me: Oh all right.
Wife: It's my birthday! It's my birthday!

Radio show:
Or directly: part I | part II
Birthday songs: below
Any repeats? Not allowed.

Happy birthday to everyone!

(part one)

"Happy Birthday" The Luddites _Detroit Musician Alliance: Motor CD_
"(Gimme That) Lipstick" Gruppo Sportivo _10 Mistakes / Buddy Odor Is A Gas_
"Birthday Song" André Herman D¨ne _Taglich Brot_

"Born Never Asked" Laurie Anderson _Big Science_
"Birthday Girl" Frontier Ruckus _Eternity Of Dimming_
"The Birthday Girl" Nobunny _Secret Songs: Reflections From The Ear Mirror_
"Happy Birthday" Cloud Control _Dream Cave_

"Birthday" Blur _Leisure_
"The Birthday Party" Don Gillmor, Michelle Campagne, Davy Gallant, & Marie-Louise Gay _The Fabulous Song_
"Spring Break (Birthday Song)" Ex Cops _True Hallucinations_
"Birthday Song" Blaine L Reininger _Night Air_

"Today It Is My Birthday" Synthetic Socks _Today It Is My Birthday_
"The Unbirthday Song" Dennis Day _Happy Birthday To You_
"Fiddler's Birthday Party" Benny Martin _Big Daddy Of The Fiddle & Bow_

(part two)

"Happy Birthday Darlin'" Conway Twitty _Cross Winds_
"Birthday Kiss" Spectrals _Fair Ohs / Spectrals 7"_
"Birthday" Royal Canoe _Today We're Believers_

"Why Can't My Dolly Have A Birthday Party?" The Bran Flakes _Hey Won't Somebody Come & Play?_
"At The Birthday Party" Bablicon _In A Different City_
"Bad Birthday" Skip That Birthday Party _Girls Rock Camp Alliance: 2010 International Camper Band Compilation_
"Happy Birthday Ralph" Atom & His Package _Hair: Debatable_
"Fat, Dumb, & Happy Birthday" Bob Marley _Upta Camp_
"Happy Birthday" Beep Beep _Enchanted Islands_

"Birthday Fella" Marva Josie _Girls On 45: A Collection Of Girl Groups, Girlie Pop & Soulful Ladies_
"(Happy Birthday) Mr. Twenty One" The Orlons _The Wah-Watusi + South Street_
"21" The Lucksmiths _Boondoggle_
"Romans" Minks _Tides End_

"Happy Country Birthday Darling" Rodney Lay & The Wild West _Happy Country Birthday Darling_
"Happy Birthday" Ben Morris & The Great American Boxcar Chorus _There Is No Fun In Funeral_
"Birthday" Sheepdogs _Learn & Burn_