Self Help Radio 030714: Hope

Well, I hoped I'd get this show posted in time.  But I guess it'll have to be a few minutes late.  Hey!  Do you see what I did?  For the second time only - this was the first time - I've done an entire show with songs all entitled the show's theme.  So here you are!  A hopeful show with all twenty songs called "hope"!  (All the background music I play under my airbreaks are called "hope" too.)  What a way to end Self Help Radio week!

The show is of course on the Self Help Radio website, but there are direct links to each part: part one here & part two here.  The song list (all the songs are called "Hope"!) is below.

Thanks for spending Self Help Radio week with me!

(part one)

"Hope" Hep Stars _It's Been A Long Long Time_
"Hope" Quicksilver Messenger Service _Quicksilver_
"Hope" Klaatu _Hope_

"Hope" The Go-Betweens _Send Me A Lullaby_
"Hope" Bauhaus _Burning From The Inside_
"Hope" Unrest _Fuck Pussy Galore (& All Her Friends)_
"Hope" The House Of Love _The House Of Love_
"Hope" Massive Stereo Sellout _By Now_

"Hope" Yothu Yindi _Tribal Voice_
"Hope" Nitin Sawhney _Migration_

(part two)

"Hope" Some Velvet Sidewalk _The Lowdown_
"Hope" Kristin Hersh _Strange Angels_
"Hope" Red Dye No.5 _Pure Spun Sugar_

"Hope" Tree Fort Angst _Last Page In The Book Of Love_
"Hope" The Shining Hour _Long Lost_
"Hope" Cloud Cult _The Meaning Of 8_
"Hope" Atmosphere _To All My Friends, Blood Makes The Blade Holy: The Atmosphere EPs_
"Hope" Lewis Black _Stark Raving Black_

"Hope" Boris _Attention Please_
"Hope" Seasick Steve _Hubcap Music_

Self Help Radio 030614: Swamps

Day four of Self Help Radio week finds us mired in a show about swamps! Luckily the show features not only lots of swampy songs, but also helpful hints on how to walk through swamps if that's the sort of thing you want to do. Also, the question is asked & answered: are there swamps in Kentucky?

Find out at the Self Help Radio website, or go straight to the show (it's in two parts) by choosing either part one or part two.  The songs I played are below.

Keep an eye out for crocodiles!

(part one)

"Caroni Swamp" Phil Madison _Calypso Pioneers_
"Mississippi Swamp Moan" Alfred Lewis _American Primitive: Pre-War Revenants 1897-1939, Vol. 2_
"Swamp Fire" Martin Denny _Ultra-Lounge, Vol. 1: Mondo Exotica_

"Swamp Thing" The Chameleons _Strange Times_
"Swamp (live)" Talking Heads _Stop Making Sense_
"Swamp Song" Blur _13_
"The Swamps" Widowspeak _The Swamps_

"Chloe (Song Of The Swamp)" The Ravens _Birds Of A Feather_
"Swamp Girl" Kay Martin & Her Bodyguards _Kay Martin & Her Bodyguards_

(part two)

"Swampland" Scientists _Blood Red River 1982-1984_
"Swamp Witch" Deadbolt _Haight Street Hippie Massacre: Best Of Deadbolt_
"Swamp Buggy Badass" Quintron/Miss Pussycat _Swamp Tech_

"Mah Sanctum" Nick Cave _And The Ass Saw The Angel: Readings & Music_
"Swamp Lily" Roy Acuff _King Of Country_
"Pompadour Swamp" Captain Beefheart & The Magic Band _Bluejeans & Moonbeams_
"Swamp Of Love" King Tuff _King Tuff_

"Swamp Thing" Tochigi _Tochigi_
"Swamp Woman" The Cryin' Out Louds _Texas: A Collection Of Texas Garage Punkers_
"More Swamp Than Elvis" Bloody Marys _Sixteen Hail Marys (The Best Of 1985 - 2004)_
"Swamp Campfire" Monster Rally _Coral_

Self Help Radio 030514: Indiepop A To Z # 43

Self Help Radio week continues!  If only someone were paying attention!

I continue with my self-explanatory & terribly OCD Indiepop A To Z series.  We're tearing through the Is right now.  Should have them finished by the next show!

You can listen of course right now at the Self Help Radio website or go directly to the show: part one is here & part two is here.  A worryingly alphabetical list is below.

Thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Meet Me Again" The Impossibles _Knowing Where It All Leeds_
"Lazy Summer Days" In A Day _Just For A Day_
"Rip Off" In A Spring _A Chance To Shine - Dorian Records Compilation_
"This Brilliant Evening" In Embrace _In Embrace_

"Grow" In Rain _Rough Trade Singles Club_
"Where Do I Stand?" Incredible Blondes _Where Do I Stand? 7"_
"Blue Cheer" Incredible Force Of Junior _Let The World Fall Apart_
"I Wouldn't Change A Thing" Incredible Rainbow _Sofa 1_
"Julia, We Don't Live In The '60s" The Indelicates _Julia, We Don't Live In The '60s_

"Talkin' Smoking" Indian Rope _Beikoku-Ongaku # 14_
"Pennyweight" Individual Fruit Pie _LemonLine Volume One_

(part two)

"The Moment" Indurain _What You Get For Being Naive_
"Halleluja!" [Ingenting] _Tomhet, Idel Tomhet (Emptiness, Nothing But Emptiness)_
"Contrafus.oo.watch" Ingo Star Cruiser _Little Molly Has A Treat For You, Vol. 1_

"Speak Our Minds" The Innocence Mission _Glow_
"This Is How It Feels" Inspiral Carpets _The Singles_
"Sydney" Insta _Airpop Terminal 2_
"France" Intastella _Intastella & The Family Of People_
"1994" International Waters _1994_

"Obstacle 1" Interpol _Turn On The Bright Lights_
"Hearts & Flowers" Into Paradise _Under The Water_

Self Help Radio 030414: Castles

Self Help Radio week continues!  & so far, no one's threatened to beat me up!

As I was listening to these songs about castles, I was wondering if I have ever been in a castle.  I think I have - when I was a child.  Not so much in my adulthood.  I don't think I've ever even been in a White Castle.  But there are lots of good songs about castles!

The show is available for listening now now now at Self Help Radio Castle.  If you can't wait for the drawbridge to lower, you may go there directly by clicking the following links: first part | second part.  A castle full of songs is listed below!

Thanks for listening!  Sorry it's so drafty in here!

(part one)

"My Castle's Rockin'" Alberta Hunter _The Women Of Classic Jazz: Female Artists 1939-1952_
"Bethlehem Castle" The Jacobites _The Ragged School_
"Queen Of Sandcastles" The Sporting Life _ A House Full Of Friends_
"Castle Of Nothing" Rollin Hunt _The Phoney_

"Paper Castle" Rotary Connection _Collecting Peppermint Clouds Vol. 1_
"Castles In The Sky" Blonde On Blonde _Circus Days UK Pop-Sike Obscurities 1966-1970_
"The Castle" Love _Da Capo_
"Castles In The Air" Colour Field _Virgins & Philistines_
"The Abandoned Castle Of My Soul" The Gothic Archies _The New Despair_

"Castles In Spain" Armoury Show _Waiting For The Floods_
"Castles Of Wales" The Scotland Yard Gospel Choir _...And The Horse You Rode In On_

(part two)

"She Lives By The Castle" Felt _Poem Of The River_
"Castle Train" Easy _Magic Seed_
"Castles In The Grave" John Maus _A Collection Of Rarities & Previously Unreleased Material_

"Gruesome Castle" The Wake _Here Comes Everybody + Singles_
"The Golden Castle" Watoo Watoo _Seven Summers (International Pop Vol. 2)_
"Clogged Castle" Boat _50 Sweaty Boat Fans Can't Be Wrong_
"Skull Castle Decorator" Bill Baird _Diamond Eyepatch_
"The Castle" The Lovely Eggs _Wildlife_

"The Turqoise Castle" The Dentists _Dressed_
"Cardboard Castles" James Kirk _You Can Make It If You Boogie_
"The Castle" Cocoanut Groove _Madeleine Street_

Self Help Radio 030314: Tests

Self Help Radio week begins!

Please do not open the Tests show until your instructor has told you to do so.  Remember, you only have the length of the Tests show to complete the Tests show.  There will be no curve.

Your booklet is available at the Self Help Radio website. Please note the exam is in two parts: part one is here, & part two is here.  The subjects you will be writing about are in the song list below.

Good luck!  No cheating!
xo gary

(part one)

"I Dreamed I Had To Take A Test..." Laurie Anderson _United States Live_
"Put It To The Test" They Might Be Giants _Here Comes Science_
"A Test" The Reivers _Saturday_
"Testing Time" Edwyn Collins _Hope & Despair_

"Just A Test" Beastie Boys _Hello Nasty_
"This Is Not A Test" Bikini Kill _Revolution Girl Style Now!_
"This Is A Test" Wendy James _Now Ain't The Time For Your Tears_
"This Is A Test" Oppenheimer _Oppenheimer_
"This Is Only A Test" Ross Beach _Orange Gerbera Daisies_
"This Is Only A Test" Smoking Popes _This Is Only A Test_

"Princess, You're A Test" Bearsuit _The Phantom Forest_
"Classical Music Quiz" Cake On Cake _Hymns I Remember_
"Fight Test" The Flaming Lips _Fight Test_
"AIDS Test" Chris Rock _Cheese & Crackers: The Greatest Bits_

(part two)

"Silly Noises Quiz" Monty Python _Monty Python's Previous Record_
"I Never Finished A Test" Edson _Unwind With Edson_
"Everytime I Pass The Test" The Skywriters _The Skywriters_
"Testcard Girl" Talulah Gosh _Backwash_

"Literacy Test Song" Pete Seeger _Gazette, Vol. 2_
"Testing The Bomb" Shel Silverstein _I'm So Good I Don't Have To Brag_
"Test" Don Dixon _Note Pad # 38_
"Pencil Test" Yo La Tengo _Prisoners Of Love: A Smattering Of Scintillating Senescent Songs: 1985-2003_
"Metal Test" Material _Memory Serves_

"Test Pilot" The Fizzbombs _Surfin' Winter 12"_
"Lie Detector Test" The Aluminum Group _Pedals_
"Finals Season" The Cocker Spaniels _Withstand The Whatnot_
"Test Of Time" Temples _Sun Structures_

Self Help Radio 022814: Split

What's worse than one Self Help Radio? A Self Help Radio split in two!  Okay, each episode of Self Help Radio is in fact split in two.  But the show has got all meta & is now about splitting as itself is split.  What's more, the show features an interview with a professional splitter & some spiritual advice for those of us who often feel as though we're split in two.  & of course, lots of songs.

Listen to the show!  It's now at Self Help Radio web site.  Or perhaps you'd prefer to listen directly?  The two halves are here: part one & part two.  The split list of songs are below.

Before I split - thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Banana Split For My Baby" Louis Prima _Angelina_
"Cherry For A Banana Split" Nipsey Russell _Things They Never Taught At School_
"We're The Banana Splits" The Banana Splits _Here Come The Banana Splits_

"You Can Split" Youngblood Smith _Big City Soul, Vol. 2_
"I Live In A Split-Level Head" Napoleon XIV _They're Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haa!_
"Let's Split" Syd Barrett _Opel_
"Split To The East" Jandek _Staring At The Cellophane_
"Split Second Feeling" Cabaret Voltaire _The Original Sound of Sheffield '78/'82_
"Love Split With Blood" Dog Faced Hermans _Hum Of Life_

"I've Got A Splitting Hedachi" The Dickies _Dawn Of The Dickies_
"Splitting In Two" Alternative TV _The Image Has Cracked_

(part two)

"Split" Liliput _Nag Nag Nag_
"Split Up The Money" Vic Godard & The Subway Sect _Twenty Odd Years: The Story Of Vic Godard & The Subway Sect_
"Split Myself In Two" Meat Puppets _Meat Puppets II_
"She Splits Me Up" Crocodiles _Crimes Of Passion_

"Split!" That Petrol Emotion _Babble_
"50/50 Split" Beatnik Filmstars _Beezer_
"A Beauty Of Love That Splits The Body In Two" Thee Headcoats _The Messerschmitt Pilot's Severed Hand_
"Split Single With Happy Lounge Labelmates" Half Man Half Biscuit _Four Lads Who Shook The Wirral_
"Cat & Split" Extra Medium Pony _11868_
"Split Minute" Darker My Love _Alive As You Are_
"Split Like A Lip, No Blood On The Beard" Buke & Gase _General Dome_

"Splitting Up" Edwyn Collins _Doctor Syntax_

Whither Split?

One day I split in two.  Was it mitosis?  Was it meiosis?  Was it youosis?  I have noosis idea.

I said to the new me, "Now there's two of us, we can work twice as long on each Self Help Radio show!"

But I looked horrified & said, "Screw that!  There's two of us!  Now we'll have enough time to do all the things that we've been wanting to do!"

I asked, "What are all the things we wanted to do?"

I replied, "Wait.  Don't you have a bucket list?"

I said, "No.  No, I don't."

"But," I said back to me, "isn't there something we've wanted to do our entire lives?  Exciting places to go?  Amazing things to see?"

I chuckled.  "You're new," I said.  "You haven't quite remembered how frightened & defeated we are."

"Oh," I replied.  "Well."

"Want to work on this week's Self Help Radio with me?" I asked.

"Sure, I guess," I said.  "What's the theme?"

"Split is the theme."

"How appropriate!" I said.  & we both laughed.

Sad, sad laughter.

The Internet Is Good/Bad For Obsessions

This wonderful article on my favorite game show - Match Game - led me today to YouTube which has an untold number of old Match Game episodes for me to watch.  I loved that show as a kid - & I'm not entirely sure why.

I had older brothers & sisters who cursed like sailors, & my brothers left pornographic magazines in the bathroom that I'd leaf through looking for cartoons or other things that would fascinate my comic book-loving brain (at a certain age, looking at naked people is kinda boring), so I don't think I was ever over-tittilated by the innuendo & risqué language & situations.  I know I found it funny, but I expected it - there were girls at school who would giggle & act horrified if they heard me say "fuck," so I imagine it would scandalize them much more than it would me to watch Match Game.

I think I liked the game show aspect of it - filling in the blanks! - & I know I loved Richard Dawson & Charles Nelson Reilly & even Brett Somers.  It was also fun to see people I saw in other television shows (though I knew Dawson from Hogan's Heroes) (& I'll bet every one of them had appeared on the Love Boat &/or Fantasy Island).  & I loved how ridiculously playful Gene Rayburn was (though honestly he also kinda creeped me out) (it may be because he resembles my mother's boyfriend at the time).  As the article linked above points out, it was like being invited to a cocktail party - on a garishly colorful set (although I'm certain I watched most of the episodes on a black & white television) with that insane microphone Rayburn used.

But even though I wrote a "review" for the show on the IMDb a lifetime ago - in 2001 - I missed this documentary, called "Behind The Blank," which aired in 2002 on the then-called Game Show Network, which at the time aired two episodes per night.  I recommend it!  It's fun to listen to older versions of my 1970s friends talk about the show - Gene Rayburn says, "We were just a bunch of friends having a good time."  The magic of the show was that they made you feel like you were one of their friends, as well.

Gotta go back to watch more now!

"Hollywood Sign Generator"

Thanks to this site (which looks to be out of date, so I hope they saved Cahuenga Peak) (I suppose they did?) (I can't find any information about it) - anyway, thanks to that site, I can make everyone see what Hollywood would be like if it were cool.

Or - wait - the opposite of cool.

Self Help Radio Week In A Week!

Next week is Self Help Radio Week!  Every day of the week is a new episode of Self Help Radio!

Yeah, I know it's not that exciting.  But it'll be fun!  I promise!

Here are the five themes the show will be exploring next week:

Monday: Tests
Tuesday: Castles
Wednesday: Indiepop A To Z # 43
Thursday: Swamps
Friday: Hope

Craziness!

Self Help Radio 022114: Dig It

We dug into our music collection today (groan) to find lots of songs about digging, whether of the "to excavate" meaning or of the "like, understand" slangy meaning.  If you dig through the show, perhaps you'll find something you'll dig (please stop).

The show is available for listening hooray! at Self Help Radio website place.  Should you want to simply click a button to immediately get to a show, & who could blame you, I have direct links here: part the I | part the II.  Soon you'll be digging on the songs that I played, which are handily listed below.

Hey! I dig you!

(part one)

"Diga Diga Doo" Bob Thompson _The History Of Space Age Pop, Vol. 1: Melodies & Mischief_
"I Dig Everything" David Bowie _Early On 1964-1966_
"I Dig Your Kind" Barons _Society Don't Let Us Down_
"I'm Digging You Digging Me" Boyce & Hart _I Wonder What She's Doing Tonight?_
"I Dig Your Mind" The Nervous Breakdowns _I Dig Your Mind_

"I'm A Ginseng Digger" Wally Burke _I'm Just The Other Woman! MSR Madness Vol. # 4_
"I Dig Love" George Harrison _All Things Must Pass_
"Do You Dig It" Titus Turner _What It Is! Funky Soul & Rare Grooves (1967-1977)_
"Dig On" Pablo Moses _Pave The Way_
"I Dig You" The Cure _Seventeen Seconds_

"Dig That Groove Baby" Toy Dolls _Dig That Groove Baby_
"Dig Me" King Crimson _Three Of A Perfect Pair_

(part two)

"Dig A Hole" The Wolfgang Press _Standing Up Straight_
"Dig For Fire" Pixies _Bossanova_
"Can You Dig It?" Mock Turtles _Can You Dig It?: The Best Of The Mock Turtles_

"Digging My Feet In The Ground" Smack Dab _Majestic Root_
"I Dig You" Beat Happening _Beat Happening/Screaming Trees_
"I Dig You" Boss Hog _Boss Hog_
"Dig My Pig" Anton Barbeau _17th Century Fuzzbox Blues_
"Digging For Water" White Rose Transmission _Magic Boomerang_

"Archaeological Dig" State Broadcasters _The Ship & The Iceberg_
"Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!_
"Dig You Out" Male Bonding _Endless Now_
"Dig A Little Deeper" Peter Bjorn & John _Gimme Some_

Preface To Dig It: I Have Measured Out My Life In Shovels

Not true!  Why do I assault TS Eliot in this way?  I have barely held a shovel since I was but a boy.

I did shovel a bit of our driveway during the last month when we were covered in snow (it's gone - for now - & it's 70 degrees right now but it's windy & storms are coming).  I didn't do the entire driveway because it's very big.  Here's a Google Maps picture of our driveway:

Perhaps you can tell that we have one of those driveways that people call "circular drives" even though it's mainly an arc.  If you can't tell, it's because that big tree is hiding the topmost part (which would show you our front door & garage door too).

As you can imagine, that's a hell of a lot to shovel.  I couldn't keep up.

But it is a driveway - on private property - & knowing that fact, you'd be pretty surprised how many people use it as a means to turn around.  It seems a little rude.  Also, when I see a car driving up, I wonder, "Who can that be? Is it a friend coming to visit?"  Then I have to say, "Oh, no.  Just a douchebag doing something he'd get really pissed if someone did on his driveway."

So yes, I've held a shovel this year.  It doesn't make up for all the years I haven't held a shovel.  But I wasn't using it to dig anything up - just trying to dig out of lots & lots of snow.  & failing to do that.

What Is… Self Help Radio Week?

Is it something "declared" by the United States Congress?

Is it something horrified schoolchildren must study in third grade?

Is it a blatant attempt by a self-help industry to cash in on all the attention & money that realtors make during Real Estate Week?

Is it a chapter in my upcoming autobiography describing how long it normally takes me to make one damn Self Help Radio show?

No, no, no, & no.  It is none of the above.

Here are some hints as to what it really is:

1) It's completely made up.  By me.  I have decreed it.  No one else will observe it or will even care.

2) It won't really last a week.  It'll last five days.  So it should be called "Self Help Radio Work Week."

3) But I am calling it "Self Help Radio Week."

4) More details will be detailed next week!

But don't be too excited about it - if it's possible to get even a little bit excited - because it's no big deal.  I just never get to "tease" anything on this blog, & I wanted to see what it felt like.

It feels a little dumb.

You Are Not Currently Following Any Blogs

That's what blogger tells me every time I come here to write something about my dumb radio show.  It makes me feel bad.  Should I be following any blogs?  I mean, I should, right?  Being that I should be part of the blogger community.  That makes a certain amount of sense.

Which blogs ought I follow?  Before you answer that - might you want to know something about my likes & dislikes?  I like indie music, obviously.  & comic books (I think also that's obvious).  & Star Trek.  Um.  Is that a good place to start?

Blogger doesn't suggest any blogs for me to follow.  It has a button called "Blogger Buzz" which appears to want to show me how to make more money with my blog - only I don't really want to make any money with my blog.  I know that sounds downright un-American of me, but I do all this as a labor of love - I have never made a cent doing Self Help Radio.  Though I've lost a lot of money & time doing it!

There is this list (from 2008) of the most popular blogs on Blogger (Self Help Radio's blog didn't make it, alas). Here's a list of 2013's "best bloggers," according to Time Magazine (also I am not on this list).  I have a feeling this whole "finding blogs to follow" is going to take a little time.

Which brings me to: hey! No one's following me!  At least I don't think so.  How would I know if someone was "following" the Self Help Radio blog?

It's all rather confusing.  If you have a blog you think I should follow, let me know.  I will attempt to do some recon & be back at base before reveille.  Gary out.

The Diggers

According to Wikipedia, the Diggers were "a group of Protestant English agrarian socialists, begun by Gerrard Winstanley as True Levellers in 1649, who became known as Diggers, because of their attempts to farm on common land."  I first heard about them on a Billy Bragg record (he was covering a tune by Leon Rosselson, called "The World Turned Upside Down"):



Chumbawamba have a song about them as well:



As someone who's never been terribly political in practice, but pretty political in talk, & who grew up in conservative suburban Texas, the Billy Bragg song seemed damned inspiring.  Utopian communities in the United States have usually been religiously based - I couldn't place myself in a Shaker community, or with the Beechers.  But stories of the Paris Commune & the Diggers have always made me wish I could belong to something that idealistic & good even though it would be doomed to failure.

(I had similar feelings about the recent Occupy Wall Street movement & the Arab Spring - hopeful they would succeed, but knowing in my cynical, defeated heart they would fail.)

(I might also mention here some of my work in community radio - but I won't.)

These two songs were in my mind as I thought about a show with the theme "Dig It" (which is the theme for this week's show, of course).  In addition to songs about actually digging things (like with one's hands, or shovels, or cranes), & songs about "digging" things like hipsters & hippies might say, there are these two songs about a seventeenth century socialist movement.  How does one fit them into the context of a radio show with the theme "dig it"?

Maybe one just mentions them on one's blog?

Self Help Radio 021414: Valentine's Day 2014

Happy Valentine's Day!  Here's a buncha songs about Valentine's Day, valentines, days of Valentine, & well - you get the drift.  Plus a Valentine's Day expert tells us what the day is really about.  Oh boy!

You can listen to the show all day long (starting now) at Self Help Radio Love Central.  Or you can listen to it direct-like by clicking either part I or part II.  All the love-filled songs are listed below.

Again: Happy Valentine's Day!

(part one)

"My Funny Valentine" Elvis Costello _Taking Liberties_
"Blue Valentine" Tom Waits _Blue Valentine_
"Valentines" The Real Tuesday Weld _At The End Of The World_

"Fool For A Valentine" The Gist _Fool For A Valentine_
"On A Valentine" The Morrisons _Songs From The South Of England (1986 - 1988)_
"St. Valentine's Day" The Dream Academy _A Different Kind Of Weather_
"Valentine" The Sisters Of Mercy _The Reptile House EP_

"Valentine" Psychedelic Furs _World Outside_
"St. Valentine's Day" Mekons _I Love Mekons_
"Valentine's Day" David Bowie _The Next Day_

(part two)

"Valentine's Day" Soul Merchants _1985-1987_
"Valentine's Day" The Kids Of Widney High _Act Your Age_

"Valentine" The Darling Buds _Shame On You_
"Valentine" Tsunami _Deep End_
"Everyday Is Valentine's Day" Kissing Book _Lines & Color_
"Valentine's Day" The Poconos _Days Are Getting Shorter_
"Be My Valentine Tonight" Remington Super 60 _Pling2001_
"Dear St. Valentine" Would-Be-Goods _The Morning After_
"Valentine" The School _Loveless Unbeliever_

"Black Valentine" Hey! Hello! _Hey! Hello!_
"Your Valentine (Takes Me Back In Time)" Bubblegum Lemonade _Some Like It Pop_
"My Bloody Valentine" Ratcat _Tingles_
"Valentine's Day Is Over" Billy Bragg _The Peel Sessions_

Preface To Valentine's Day 2014: Any Good Valentine's Day Stories?

I actually don't have a lot of Valentine's Day stories because for the longest time (my first twenty years or so, & many of the years since), I didn't have the slightest chance of getting a girl to be my valentine, & when I was finally (against all odds) dating someone, I was generally with women who didn't need or want flowers, candies, jewelry, etc. - the hallmarks of the day.  I might have given one or two valentines to the woman who is now my wife - but I doubt she'd even notice if I never mentioned that tomorrow was Valentine's Day to her.

But.  I do have one dumb story.  It took place in high school.  I bought some cheap not-even-Russell-Stover boxes of chocolate at a drugstore & gave them to some girls I was fond of in my AP History class.  This was in twelfth grade, Valentine's Day 1986.  I know I gave one to a girl named Laura, who was probably the first girl I really fell in love with, & also to a girl named Carrie, who sat next to me, but I can't remember if there was anyone else in class.  I might have given one or two to a teacher I liked - but my favorite teacher was the male history teacher, & he might not have reacted well to me buying him candy.

In my senior year of high school, I would get to school early - before 7:30 - when it was easy to park & when I could go sit in the halls (hall monitors came on duty to watch the doors at 7:30) & read or study rather than hang out with a growing crowd of students waiting for the eight o'clock bell to ring & stumble miserably into first period.  At the time, one other person would wait in the halls with me: a girl named Terri, who, at some point, decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore (that's another story).  We used to chat & stuff before school started, but for a month or two we just sat silently in the halls, next to the drinking fountains (& therefore not in the view of the hall monitors), waiting for school to begin.

That day, I meant to give one of the heart-shaped boxes of candy to Terri.  I didn't know if I thought being thoughtful would repair our friendship (we reconciled over the course of a couple of weeks in the spring, although we didn't stay friends after high school) - I couldn't possibly have been that clever - I think I just thought, I like Terri, we're friends, I'm giving candy to girls (& possibly male teachers) today, I'll give her one.

I gave it to her.  She took it & said, "Thank you."  & continued ignoring me.  I went back to reading or doing homework or whatever.  After a couple of minutes, she gave the candy back to me & said, "I can't take it!  It's a farce!"  She was crying.  She went to the restroom & didn't return that morning.

(I had to look up "farce" in the dictionary later that day.)

We never spoke about it - I never brought it up - & I think I was baffled I could affect anyone in any way when I was that young & dumb.  The story has a funny postscript, though.

I was left with an extra box of candy & even I knew how lonely it would be to eat a box of valentine chocolate I had bought for myself, so when I got home, I gave it to my mother.  She was extremely happy & she almost cried herself.  That, too, was baffling to me - it was a lesson no one had taught me, least of all her - & maybe that's what moved her so: her son was being thoughtful!  Maybe she also noticed that she & I weren't as close as we had been.  In any event, wow.  She was so happy.  That was crazy.

To this day, though, I'm probably not all that thoughtful.  Some lessons can be learned only barely.

Revenge Of The Love Song!

What happens when you no longer need the love song?  You might be married - or have given up on being with another - or have given your life over to sex & death - or many other fates.  But still - as if the world is populated entirely by teenagers - the love song continues.

The love song's reach has never exceeded its grasp.  The love song goes on forever.  But lovers do not. Lovers grow old & die.  Lovers lose interest or have their love worn away.  The love song abandons old lovers because there are always new lovers growing up, feeling the urge, entering into the world of longing & desire.

Like most love, the love song is trite & banal.  Like most love, the love song is exquisite & expansive.  Like most love, the love song wants everyone to sing along.

John Lydon made sure you understand that he was not singing a love song.  Bo Burnham says the secret to the modern love song is to repeat lyrics so the song is easy to memorize.  But it helps not to overthink it.  Love songs mostly suck because most of the ideas you have about love suck.  Why else would you even listen to most of the songs on this list?  Or this list?  Or this list?  Or especially this list?

Go ahead.  Give up the love song.  Dismiss it as juvenile.  Think you've outgrown it.  Pretend to be above it.  The love song doesn't care.  It never needed you.

You needed it.

Dead External Drive Blues

Tuesdays are usually the days I set aside for lots of listening to music for Friday's show.  I have many songs (like most people) which I have on both DVD & on an external hard drive.  But this morning my external hard drive died.  Or something.

I have a program that I use to recover files from such things but it's slow slow slow.  I may (sigh) end up just copying from the DVDs again.  That takes a LONG TIME.  It's EXHAUSTING.

Online forums are usually of mild help but I sure wish I had a Star Trek computer that I could say "run internal diagnostic" to.  Instead, the program looking for files on the dead &/or dying external hard drive says, "Overall Progress: 0%".

In other news, despite it still being cold as fuck & snow is still everywhere, the wife & I are going to brave the unpleasant weather to see Eugene Mirman in Louisville tonight.

Boo, computer programs.  Hooray, comedy!

Table Of Contents/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

TOC/OCD

This may strike many as absurd, being that Self Help Radio is a show unlikely to be heard by many people ever in the universe ever, but I have gone & made a page on the website which lists all the themes I've explored in alphabetical order, with links to the original playlists.

But why do a thing like that?  Are there people out there who think to themselves, "I wonder if an obscure radio shows that has little or no listeners have ever done a radio show about [whatever]?"  I can understand them being interested when Bob Dylan did his theme radio show, because even though I've done many of the same themes he did, he's Bob Fucking Dylan & I'm as close to the textbook definition of insignificant as one can get.

In fact, it's safe to say, with a show that has almost no listeners, I could only do such a thing for me.

It's true.  I have been doing this ridiculous show for over eleven years now & occasionally I say to myself, "Hey! I should do a show about…!"  & often I go through the trouble of preparing it, only to realize I have in fact done it before.

For the record, I have only accidentally repeated a show once.  The theme was "trash" & I did the show in both 2004 & 2008.  I did a show about "fame" & another about "stars" (as in "movie stars") that ended up being rather similar.  But I've almost repeated a theme about two dozen times.

This handy index is available for me to double-check when I think I've come up with an idea that I have in fact had a few times before.  It's also available to folks - there's always been a few at the radio stations I've been at - who have thought they could do a better theme-oriented show than I do.  They can look at the linked playlists & sneer!

It's okay - I'm almost certain anyone could do this show better than I have.  I'm the one, however, stuck in the Self Help Radio rut, & not getting out any time soon.  Because I have to keep updating this "table of contents"!