Garry

For the past several weeks, I've been running a stupid series on Saturdays that I was calling "The Gary Files," in which I featured a different famous Gary, since the name is going extinct.  In fact, I did one for Garry Shandling, which you can read here.

In many ways, I had very little to say about these other Garys, & a lot of the time, I tried to be funny rather than attempt something substantive, since I mostly copied info from their Wikipedia page.  Funny was attempted with the Garry Shandling entry, in which I pretended to have an argument about whether the names Gary & Garry were the same or different.

But in that entry, I did say he was a genius.  & I believe it.  He was an amazing stand-up, & when I was a kid, I liked it when he hosted The Tonight Show.  I confess I wasn't able to appreciate It's Garry Shandling's Show when it was on - I was too young, there were too many levels of comedy going on.  But when I saw The Larry Sanders Show, oh shit.

The first episode I saw was the one in which Elvis Costello is on & trashes the green room because Larry Sanders talks during his musical performance.  I watched it because I am a big Elvis Costello nerd - but I ended up liking the show in its entirety - I even think I thought Costello's performance was the least interesting thing on the show!

Somehow - I didn't have HBO at the time - I managed to acquire several episodes of the show.  I consumed them.  I talked the show up to friends, made them watch them.  & I evangelized up till this very day.

Also I followed Shandling on Twitter, & Bill Maher this week showed clips from his many appearances on Real Time, which I saw.  I watched all the extra interviews he did for the first DVD reissue of Larry Sanders.  I loved it when he hosted the Emmys.  I was a fan.  I was an admirer.  I kind of worshipped the guy.

As you know, he died this past week, at the age of 66.  It is so sad, so tragic on many levels.  66 is too young, & I like to believe he had some other greatness he was preparing to unleash on the world.

This is my way of saying, you know what?  With one less Gary in the world (this one spelled Garry), I think I'm going to retire my Gary files.  It might not have been much fun to read, but it'll certainly be less fun for me to do it.

Goodbye, Garry Shandling.  Thank you for being so smart & funny.  I'm going to pretend for the rest of my life that I was named after you.

Self Help Radio 032216: Slow Down

(Original image here.)

Self Help Radio this week is showing its age.  Yes, at an elderly thirteen years old, it has taken to grumpily mounting a rocking chair on the front porch, a wine cooler in one hand, the other hand balled up into a fist, ready to hurl invectives at cars going even one half-mile over the speed limit on the road in front of its house.

But it isn't just speedy drivers that has irked this show.  No, it's the fast pace of the modern world - its internet, its power lunches, its frantic afternoons at the gym fast-forwarding through streaming media on smart phones - that has gotten the show's dander up.  Didn't know a radio show could have dander?  You learn something new every day!

The result is this week's episode: slow down!  An imperative sentence said again & again & again with the hopes that, maybe, just maybe, someone out there could slow down a tiny bit.  Slow down & see the world at its regular speed.  Fall back into the regular vibrations.

Once the show was over, of course, everything would naturally accelerate again.

You can relive the futile attempt to slow things down whenever you have a space two hours at the Self Help Radio website.  To slow you down, a password & username will be required.  That information is on the front page.  The show is in two leisurely parts.  The songs played are below.

Self Help Radio will now be going down slow.

(part one)

"Slow Down" Anita O'Day _The Complete Anita O'Day Verve/Clef Sessions_

"Slow Down Baby (Russell Jacquet, vocals)" Illinois Jacquet _The Chronological Classics: Illinois Jacquet 1947-1950_

"Slow Down" Lou Mac _Rockin' At Midnight At The Parrot Club_

"Slow Down" Larry Williams _Loud, Fast, & Out Of Control: The Wild Sounds Of 50s Rock_

"Slow Down" The Cochran Brothers _Eddie & Hank: The Cochran Brothers_

"Slow Down Sandy" Eddie Quinteros _Rockin' On Broadway: The Time/Brent/Shad Story_

"Slow Down" Gus Jenkins & Orchestra _Jericho Alley Blues Flash! Blues In Los Angeles 1956 - 1959_

"Slow Down Brother" Ferlin Huskey & His Hush Puppies _Out & Out Rockabilly_

"Slow Down Heart" The Temptations _Emperors Of Soul_

"Slow Down" Tammi Terrell _The Essential Collection_

"The Merry-Go-Round Is Slowin' You Down" The Surprise Package _The Other Me 7"_

"Slow Down" Kris Kristofferson & Rita Coolidge _Breakaway_

"Slow Down" Taboo _Violators: The No Future Years_

"Slow Down" Maduu _Bombay Beats, Vol. 1_

(part two)

"Slow Down" The Feelies _The Good Earth_

"Slow Things Down" The Soup Dragons _Hang-Ten!_

"Slow Down" Blur _Leisure_

"Slow Down" Dump _I Can Hear Music_

"Hold On, Slow Down" Earlimart _Treble & Tremble_

"Slow Down" The Jordans _Katydid_

"Slow Me Down" Aberfeldy _Young Forever_

"How Do You Slow This Thing Down" Gothic Archies _The Tragic Treasury: Songs From A Series Of Unfortunate Events_

"Slowing Down" Blank Dogs _Under & Under_

"The Steady Slowing Down Of The Heart" Lloyd Cole _Cleaning Out The Ashtrays: Collected B-Sides & Rarities 1989-2006_

"Slowing Down the World" Savages _Adore Life_

"Slow It Down" The Frank & Walters _Greenwich Mean Time_

"Slowdown" Peter Murphy _Ninth_

Whither Slow Down?

(Image found here.)

A show about slowing down, eh? Yes!  Has the show been moving too fast?  No.  Does it seem to go by in the blink on an eye?  Heavens no!  If someone has ever been asked, "Does it seem like there's not enough Self Help Radio?" has the answer ever been "Yes!"  No, never!

Yet here we have a show about slowing down.  Well, the theme is "slow down."  Perhaps the show is being bossy.  Maybe the show thinks anyone who might be listening should slow down!  Maybe even slow the hell down!  But why would the show think that?

A related question might be: is life in Lexington - Central Kentucky - more fast-paced than any other place in the United States?  Can that be true?  Does this city deserve a radio program that's asking - or even telling - its listener to "slow down"?  Moreover, are these questions the show will answer?

Damn, there are a lot of questions here.  & they were only really answered in the first paragraph.  So.  Here's a stab at some answers for the rest: Because it thinks whatever it wants.  No, most definitely not.  No, not even in its most New Yorkish dreams.  It does not.  No.

Well!  Now that we've gotten all that out of the way, we can listen to another meaningless Self Help Radio today from 4-6pm on 88.1 fm in Lexington & online at wrfl dot fm.  Yes, I'll archive it later.  If you slow down too quickly to listen.

Preface To Slow Down: Wouldn't A Better Theme Be "Slowing Down"?

Ugh, everybody prefers the gerund.

Did I ever mention I took Latin in high school?  It wasn't because I was on my way to be a pretentious twat, although certainly that road was right there in front of me.  No, I did it to spite my mother & my family.

My mother, you see, is German, & all her other kids took German in high school.  The same high school I was at, actually.  The same damn German teacher, too; her name was Frau Phillips.  I had actually had Mrs. Phillips for English in the tenth grade.  When the time came to take a foreign language, though, I chose Latin.

It might have broken my mother's heart.  Or it might just have irritated her.  Or she might have thought, well, he's a smart boy, & smart people learn dead languages.  Or she didn't give a fuck.  She never said.  But the idea that I was doing something that no one else in my family had done - that I was somehow breaking with what maybe the family felt was tradition - that pleased me.

It's no surprise that my family didn't like me much when I was that age.  I assume they like me less now, but most certainly being different, when they all worked so hard to be the same, must have baffled them.  Well, if they stopped to think about it, which they didn't.  "Gary's weird," is probably as deep as that thought went.  Mostly I don't think they noticed me.

Damn it, I didn't want to start talking about my family!  I wanted instead to talk about Latin.  Latin!  I remember impressing Mrs. Phillips by using the word celerity - she didn't know that word - in a poem I wrote for her class.  "It comes from the word celer," I told her.  "Latin for 'speed.'"  Helpfully, I added, "Like in the word accelerate."

Did I say 'impress'?  She might have just thought me a pretentious twat.

Actually what I learned most about Latin - this is true - was how English works.  I knew all about nouns, verbs, pronouns, etc., mainly because of Schoolhouse Rock - but there were ways the parts of speech worked in a sentence that completely escaped me.

Latin nouns have endings depending on their use - they call them "declensions."  I learned about indirect objects, objects of prepositions, etc.  & of course Latin verbs conjugate much more regularly than English verbs.  Putting a Latin sentence together was kind of a puzzle, the rules of which were laid out before you if you took the time to know them.

In English class, I had struggled with the idea of the passive voice.  In Latin, it made sense because the pieces of the puzzle had to fit a certain way to make the sentence do what it needs to do to be correct.

The fact is, I learned more about English from studying Latin than I learned in English class.

Also, I almost got beat up in Latin class for saying I thought Eddie Van Halen looked "a little gay" in the video for "Jump."  But that's neither here nor there.

In any event, I don't feel tied to the idea of noun forms for my show themes.  They can be short sentences, like "slow down."  I might have thought that subjects should be nouns once upon a time, but no more.

Also, I've retained virtually no Latin.  What I remember from two years taking that language is pretty much the word "celer."  Also, "agricola."  That means "farmer."  Hence, "agriculture."

Damn, I am such a pretentious twat!

2,301 Posts

Wow, I completely missed the three-thousand-three-hundredth post of this blog!  I would have missed it even more if I had spent the Sunday, as I usually do, posting the week's Cradle To Grave show.  So, hooray?

2301 posts is a lot of writing.  I guess it will soon be ten years - ten years! - that I have had this blog. & I still don't know entirely what I'm doing with it.

Using the internet randomizer tool at random dot org, I will share with you portions of four random posts from the blog's almost-ten years.  See if any of them make any damn sense:

(from post # 768, January 9, 2010: Vulgar Boysenberry):

Here then is a threshold parallelogram which we daresay may one day serve as a simulacrum of the course to steer to free you of the filthy waters & harsh desert nights of rejection & abjection. You may even consider this, due to the serious nature of our newly-crapped-out decade, first in a series:

1) Cards & letters are all but useless in moments of sheer decision. Learn adorable ways to hem & haw.
2) Do not rush romance unless you can afford generous quantities of moderately-priced & delicious alcohol.
3) If the partner says a tattoo is not necessary, this is an easy "out" & not as many presidents have told us in their State Of The Union messages a "dare."
4) Bleached teeth frighten thieves.
5) No one really carries around their money in bags with dollar signs painted in green on the side. Really? Really.
6) Hand holding may be a lost art, but do not imagine that foot-whipping nor thigh-tickling share the same room in the Mansion of Glorious Petting. They do not. They live in the Creepy Third-Floor Apartment Of Sado-Masochistic Awkwardness.
7) Let's return once again to the societal glad-handling called the "gentle reminder."
8) Love poetry? More like love pottery!
9) Tears should not be accompanied by either screaming or clawing. If you find it such, you also have an explanation as to why the local constable is asking you to put your hands behind your back.
10) Something about an omelet is both nasty & ridiculous. Be careful.

(from post #1336, January 15, 2011: Does The Cat Want Her Medicine?):

You were at that impressionable age when you thought every example was the perfect example, when you thought the types you met were the only types that existed. You'd hear snatches of conversation that made absolutely no sense so you'd twist them around in your head until they made your kind of sense. Like that man who made the comment about "the next door over, past the railroad tracks." You got it into your head that a town's limits were circumscribed by railroad tracks. You finally got brave enough to tell your observation another kid & he said scornfully, "What did they use before railroads? Moats?"

(from post # 485, May 12, 2008: From Dynamite To Los Angeles):

Suddenly I am regretting not beginning all of my blog entries with a salutation. What a dreadful miscalculation! Now my blog has no personality! It's just like me!

(from post # 2205, November 9, 2015: Preface To Turtles: The Hunt For Turtle Songs):

Of course a radio show that's all instrumental is fine.  I have programmed electronic & jazz & surf shows which featured predominantly non-vocal music.  But something about Self Help Radio makes me want to make sure that the songs at the very least mention the theme, or something relating to the theme. 

I know one thing I can glean from this: the show's blog has become less interesting as time has gone by.  That's a shame.  Well.  Probably nothing I can do about that!  Happy anniversary!

The Gary Files # 25: Gary Grimes

(I found this image here.)

An explanation: Since the name Gary is going extinct, I thought it incumbent upon me to celebrate more notable Garys than myself.  This is the twenty-fifh of a series!

Gary Grimes is, according to the Wikipedia, "a former American actor."

What does that mean, "former"?  It means he acted for a time, & left the business.

Would I know him from anything? He appeared in a handful of television shows, & only six motion pictures.  They were: Summer Of '42 (1972), The Culpepper Cattle Co. (1972), Class Of '44 (1973), Cahill U.S. Marshal (1973), The Spikes Gang (1974), & Gus (1976).

Then he just quit?  Apparently so.

Was it because of drugs or something like that?  Did he go insane?  Not at all.  According to an interview he did in 2011, he said, "I got to the point where the work wasn't up to the quality that I wanted."

Were you familiar with his work?  Not a lot.  I mainly know about him as the guy who walked away.  Not a lot of folks leave a life of stardom behind.

Even if he might not have been a big star?  It seems to me that there are people in the industry that hold on to the smallest amount of fame & milk it for whatever they can get.  I kind of feel like most television I watched in the 1970s was filled with "stars" desperate to extend their fifteen minutes.

Did you know there was another Gary Grimes who was somewhat famous?  There was?  Who?

This guy.  Freaky.  That's a crazy thing to me, to build a career essentially performing as another musician, & one that's still alive.  The really Paul McCartney outlived his fake twin.

Apparently both of them were really named Gary.  The living Gary Grimes is probably sad to see the name go.  Plus!

What?  His name is alliterative!  That's too cool.

Self Help Radio 031516: Connections

(I have no idea what this image is supposed to mean except it's called "connections" & the original version of it is here.)

During Spring Break, when students go home or go to Austin for SXSW or go to the beach or just plain go, campus is pretty deserted, as is the radio station, & I assume, with forty thousand or so people no longer in the city, so is the listenership of WRFL.  It's of course at that point that Self Help Radio decides to make a radio show about connections.  Connecting with people, connecting things, managing things that connect us (like telephones).  All when there's less of a chance for people to be listening than usual.  Timing!  One day the show will master it!

Luckily you can now connect with the show anytime at the Self Help Radio website, which itself is someplace where connections are made.  The show is in two parts, & what songs I play in the two parts are below.  What's not below is that I talked to a person who makes connections, to the inventor of the "loose connections" section of the classifieds, & to my spiritual mentor the Rev. Dr. Howard Gently.  But that happened too!

Thanks for trying to connect.  I find I try less & less as I get older & older.

(part one)

"Connection" The Rolling Stones _Between The Buttons_
"Connection" Can _Unlimited Edition_
"Connection" The Brunettes _Paper Dolls_

"Connection" Elastica _Elastica_
"Connection" King Tuff _Was Dead_
"Connection" Call & Response _Tiger Teeth_
"Connections" Smog _Julius Caesar_

"Super-Connected" Belly _King_
"Get Connected" The Jessica Fletchers _Less Sophistication_
"The Connector" The Futureheads _The Chaos_
"The Connection Man" Ty Segall _Manipulator_

"Loose Connections" Channel Light Vessel _Excellent Spirits_
"Bad Connection" Tullycraft _Lost In Light Rotation 7"_

(part two)

"Bad Connection" The Square Peg _Kilt By Death: The Sound Of Old Scotland_
"Making Connections" The Saps _C'mon Already, Start A Fire_
"The Farm Yard Connection" Fun Boy Three _Waiting_

"The Rainbow Connection" Majestic _Just For A Day_
"Love Connection" Annette Snell _Southern Grooves_
"Tight Connection To My Heart (Has Anybody Seen My Love?)" Bob Dylan _Empire Burlesque_

"Me! I Disconnect From You" Tubeway Army _Replicas_
"Disconnected" The Creatures _Anima Animus_
"Disconnect" Plastikman _Closer_
"Disconnected" Beat Union _Disconnected_

"Mothership Connection (Star Child)" Parliament _Mothership Connection_
"Only Connect" Harper Lee _Go Back To Bed_

Whither Connections?

(I found this image here.)

As someone who's spent an entire life having difficulty making connections with people, I am the last person on earth to pretend to be an expert about connections.  I'm not even an expert about the television series Connections, which I've never watched, or I should say, I watched a couple of episodes, & found the connections the host made a little strained.

Indeed, I know so little about connecting with other human beings that I doubt it's even some kind of therapy to do a show about connections - a chance for me to learn more about connecting with others.  Because, seriously, if I haven't learned basic human interaction at this point in my life - way past its halfway mark, almost certainly - then what are a few songs going to teach me?

But you might find something helpful!  So have a listen today from 4-6pm on 88.1 fm in Lexington, &/or online at wrfl dot fm.  Who knows?  Maybe we'll make a connection ourselves!

Okay, probably not.

Preface To Connections: Missed Connections

Spoiler alert: one of the fake interviews I'll be doing tomorrow involves that section of the old classifieds (which one can now find on Craigslist) called "Missed Connections."

Did you ever peruse this section of the paper?  I never did - like Morrissey, "having learned my lesson, I never left an impression on anyone"* - but I remember working for a time in a hip video store in Austin, & the hip boys who worked there often read that section every week to see if they got any shout outs.  (If that's what you call a mention in a "missed connections" column.)  They struck pay dirt once (maybe more than once, but only once when I was there), & the "missed connection" co-worker went through a bunch of customers' accounts to see if he could figure out who had placed the ad.  As far as I know, nothing came of it - the people there made very little money, & certainly not enough to respond to an ad in the classifieds!

(Is it me or has that section always leaned heavily on men looking for whatever?  Even in the Craigslist link it skews heavily toward dudes.  I guess men are still more aggressive in our society.)

My favorite section of those kind of classifieds was the "Variations" section.  Not because I was ever into that sort of thing, but because when I used to do long, long fills on KVRX back in the 1990s - I'd be on the radio from midnight to 9am sometimes - I would often run out of things to say during airbreaks, & would also be delirious from lack of sleep, & one thing that would focus me was reading the Variations column from The Austin Chronicle  to weirdos who might be listening late at night or very early in the morning.

Luckily no one ever got mad at me for reading their ads!

& probably no one ever had a Missed Connection that began: "You: very tired, on the radio, trying to figure out what BDSM means..."

* After I wrote this, someone on Facebook noted that today was the 28th anniversary of Viva Hate, the record from which the song I'm quoting comes.  I'd like to believe Morrissey was working his magic through me on this special anniversary.

Cradle To Grave, Episode Fifteen

Fifteen episodes!  That's almost four months!  & I want to confess something: I thought doing this show might get more difficult as it went on.

Which is a dumb thing to dread, because one works out a system & over time streamlines it.  But here's my greatest fear: a day when nothing has happened.  It's probably not a reasonable fear, given probability, but I do worry there'll be a day, just one day out of 365, when very few musicians of note were born or died.  What do I do then?  Do I just play more than one song by an especially important (in my opinion) performer?  Do I attempt to find songs that are about a particular performer, or, in the case of a non-musician, some famous person from history?  The truth is, I don't know.  I don't know what I would do in that case.

Does that day exist?  So far - fifteen shows in - that has not proven to be the case.  There are musicians I've had to leave out of both hours.  But does that day exist?  In my heart, I think it does.  & I always assume it's going to be next week's show.

However!  This week's show is filled to the brim, & you can listen to it now (despite it being about people born or died yesterday) at the Self Help Radio website. It's in two parts - delineated below - & you can move easily from birthday party to funeral should you choose.  Like going backwards through time!  I hope it's good to listen to.

(birthdays)

"Man In The Street" Don Drummond & The Skatalites _Trojan Explosion! Intensified Club Reggae Classics_
"Little Chick-A-Dee" Kell Osborne & The Chicks _Little Chick-A-Dee_
"Baby I Need Your Lovin'" The Fourmost _The Best Of The Sixties_
"Mother Dear" Barclay James Harvest _Barclay James Harvest_
"Just A Chance" Badfinger _Wish You Were Here_

"Browns Ferry Blues # 2" Callahan Brothers _Roots N' Blues: The Retrospective_
"Head Rag Hop" Romeo Nelson _The Many Faces Of Boogie Woogie_
"Louisiana Boogie" L.C. Williams _Houston Jump 1946-1951_
"San Francisco Bay Blues" Jesse Fuller _The Good Time Jazz Story: Ragtime, Blues, Banjos_
"Walkin' All Night" Little Feat _Dixie Chicken_

"You're The Cream In My Coffee" Gordon MacRae _The Best Things In Life Are Free_
"New York, New York" Liza Minnelli _New York, New York_
"The Awakening" Pizzicato Five _Romantique 96_
"City Hall" Graham Coxon _A+E_
"Up The Bracket" The Libertines _Up The Bracket_

(death anniversaries)

"Stay A Little Longer" Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys _San Antonio Rose_
"Heaven" The Bailey Brothers _Take Me Back To Happy Valley_
"Down Yonder" Champ Butler _Down Yonder_
"Hey Jack" The Dozier Boys _Jive R&B: Vocal Group Classics, Vol. 2_
"Put On My Shoes" Mary Ann Fisher _Put On My Shoes_

"Ornithology" Charlie Parker _Complete Savoy Live Performances: Sept. 29, 1947-Oct. 25, 1950_
"Take Five" Dave Brubeck Quartet _Time Out_

"Baby Don't Look Down" The Blues Council _That Driving Beat_
"Apple Green" June Valli _Oh Why_
"Look For Me Baby" Goldie & The Gingerbreads _Rare Mod 3_
"Love Song" Lesley Duncan _Gather In The Mushrooms: The British Acid Folk Underground (1968-1974)_
"Hop Dedik" Erol Buyukburc _Love, Peace & Poetry: Turkish Psychedelic Music_

"Don't Let Me Go" Rockie Charlies _Born For You_
"From A Buick Six" Alex Taylor _Dinnertime_

The Gary Files # 24: Garry Marshall

(Picture from his Wikipedia page.)

An explanation: Since the name Gary is going extinct, I thought it incumbent upon me to celebrate more notable Garys than myself.  This is the twenty-fourth of a series!

Garry Marshall is, according to the Wikipedia, "an American actor, director, writer, & producer."  His list of credits is impressive.  Check out his Wikipedia page if you don't believe me.

So, another "Gary" that's spelled "Garry."  Is that a problem?

It just seems like, since your name is Gary, you shouldn't be celebrating people whose names are Garry.  They sound exactly the same!  Do you think people named John are different than people named Jon?

Sort of.  That's insane!

All right.  When did you first become aware of him?  Probably reading the credits of shows I watched when I was a kid, like Happy Days.

Were you excited to see his name?  Probably not.  It's not spelled the same as mine.

A-ha!  Look, the Wikipedia page for the name Gary also includes Garry.  There's no difference between the two.

If you say so.  I say so.  Ask me some more questions.

Did you also know he was an actor?  I didn't.  Did he act in things he directed?

Among other things.  Wouldn't you do that?

What?  Put yourself in movies or television shows you were producing.

I never thought about it.  I bet you would.

Maybe.  Was his name really Garry?  Garry Kent Marshall.

Born in 1934.  Not named after Gary Cooper?  Nope!  His parents must've had other reasons to name him Garry!

You wish you were as rich as he is, don't you?  My lord, doesn't everyone?

Self Help Radio 030816: The Empty Show

(Original image here.)

You've probably been asked, in a chain email or by an annoying friend, about the three English words that end in -gry.  The whole thing is kind of a dumb joke.  But it occurred to me, when I was overthinking this week's show, that you could ask a similar question about English words that end with -mpty.

There's empty, of course, & nonempty, which isn't the word's antonym at all.  There's humpty & dumpty, which shouldn't be counted because they're made-up names, but because they're part of our culture (& because humpty is also the name of a dance), they get counted. A list online (which I found here) also adds numpty (which apparently means "a stupid or ineffectual person") & umpty (which means "such & such," I've found - related, no doubt, to umpteenth).  Try that question at a party that's winding down - not the three English words that end with -gry, but the (maybe more than) six English words that end with -mpty.

This has nothing to do with my show this week, but it's what's on my mind.  My mind, which is usually empty.  Like this week's show!  Which can be listened to now at Self Help Radio's website.  It's in two parts, so it's an empty show that's quite full, & what's in each part is below.  Psst!  You'll need a username & a password.  Also psst!  They're on the front page.

Let's hope the emptiness doesn't consume us, although we know it will.

(part one)

"Empty" Eddie Spaghetti _The Value Of Nothing_
"Emptiness Inside" My Bloody Valentine _Feed Me With Your Kiss_
"The The Empty" Le Tigre _Le Tigre_

"Diary Of An Empty Day" The Nice _Nice_
"Stronger Hearts Than Mine Lie Empty" Ballboy _The Sash My Father Wore & Other Stories_
"The Empty Page" Sonic Youth _Murray Street_
"Empty Heart" The Rolling Stones _12 X 5_

"In An Empty Hotel" Northern Portrait _Napoleon Sweetheart EP_
"Empty Streets" Suspicious For The Winter _EardrumsPop 100_
"Empty Space" Holly Golightly _Slowtown Now!_
"Empty Roads" 50,000,000 Elvis Fans Can't Be Wrong _Baby Trash_

"Empty Girl" The Soft Boys _Invisible Hits_

(part two)

"Empty Boy" Lane Steinberg _Lane Steinberg Collection 1984-2000_
"The Empty World" The Cure _The Top_
"Empty Bottles" Opal _Northern Line EP_

"I Have Known The Emptiness" Dan Melchior _The Backward Path_
"My World Is Empty Without You" Diana Ross & The Supremes _Greatest Hits_
"Empty House" The Pastels _Crawl Babies 12"_
"Empty Glasses" The Amps _Pacer_
"Empty Place" Burnt Palms _The Girl You Knew_

"This Empty Place" The Searchers _The Look Of Love: The Burt Bacharach Collection_
"Sad, Free, Excited, & Empty" The Hepburns _How The Fallen Are Mighty_
"My Empty Head" The Flatmates _Potpourri (Hits, Mixes, & Demos '85-'89)_
"Empty Shell" Vic Godard & Subway Sect _What's The Matter Boy?_

"A Few Empty Waves" Cats On Fire _All Blackshirts To Me_

Whither The Empty Show?

(Image from this fun article here.)

Oh I know what you're thinking: Here's miserable ol' Gary again, doing another show rife with negativity, the emptiness, the void, angst, suicide, purgatory, Donald Trump presidency.  Nothing could be farther from the truth!

Except, of course, I am mostly miserable, & I'm quite a pessimist, & the glass isn't just half-empty with me, it's half-empty with poison.  & perhaps that is reflected in the subject matter of the shows I do.  But I submit that you are coming at this with your own preconceptions of the word "empty."  What if I told you that some religious traditions value emptiness as a starting place for spiritual growth?  Or that some people use "empty" as a metaphor for openness, curiosity, adventurousness?  What would you say then, smarty-pants?  Hanh?  Hunh?  Hanh?

Man, that was an easy straw man (or should I say straw person?) to knock down!  I'm going to have more arguments with myself!  But wait - if I argue with myself, doesn't half of me lose?  Damn rhetoric!  Damn it all to hell!

Despite my own internal issues, I will still do a show today with the theme "the empty show" from 4-6 pm on 88.1 fm in Lexington, & online at the same time (science!) at wrfl dot fm.  I have lots of guests & lots of music so it will be an empty show full of songs & talk & maybe a few surprises, although, to be honest, it's mostly the same old thing.

& now I'm back to feeling a little empty.  But I hope you'll listen!

Preface To The Empty Show: Ever Been Empty?

As I sit here, late on Monday, forgetting to write in this blog, editing the interviews that I pretend are happening live during my show, I think back to a time when I actually felt empty.

It was, I think, a while back.  I felt as though I couldn't generate real emotion from inside myself.  So I would consume things of any emotional nature: music, movies, television, books.  Nothing in my life seemed to make my heart race, but I would furiously read a fantastic novel till its end in the middle of the night.  Or I would turn an album up & dance stupidly around the room until it or I were done.  Or I'd drink a bit too much whiskey - my favorite vice - & watch a particularly meaningful episode of Star Trek & feel all weepy for my fictional friends in the future.

That emptiness, which pretty much defined the 1990s for me, was borne out of heartbreak.  It wasn't a happy time, & I myself ended up hurting people thanks to my inability to connect.  You can only return a fraction of the affection that one gives to you if you can't actually bring yourself to love.  I remember the shock of revelation when I first heard the Divine Comedy song "The Frog Princess" (the video for it is here) & came to the lines:

You don't really love me

& baby, that is all right

'Cause I don't love anybody

I come & go through people's love lives

There's a reason I got through that time - not worth going into here - though I haven't lost the habit of filling myself with the magnificent creations of other people.  One reason surely has to do with time itself.  No matter what you do, your past fills up behind you.  It was much simpler for me to be empty when I was younger because I had barely lived.

& maybe I've barely lived yet, but I've wasted a lot of time trying to live, & perhaps that counts for something.

However, I feel I'm as qualified as anyone to helm a show about emptiness.  Now - back to the fake interviews!

Cradle To Grave, Episode Fourteen

Oh my, fourteen episodes already?  That means I only have three hundred & fifty-one to go!

Here's something I want to complain about: even though I have a pretty good record collection, I don't have as many comedy albums as I wish I had.  Case in point: this week was the anniversary of John Belushi's death, & while I could have played something by the Blues Brothers (which wouldn't have represented his comic genius), I ended up playing something from his time in the National Lampoon group.  But there is actually a Saturday Night Live album which I don't own.  He's much more famous as an SNL cast member than anything else.  It would've been nice to have been able to have a recording from that time to represent him.

In other news - it was Mark E. Smith's birthday!  I don't know if he'll ever die - but I'm glad I got to celebrate his birthday.  I think he's a genius.

Lots of geniuses on this week's show!  You can listen now at the Self Help Radio birthday shop & mortuary.  Pay attention to username/password info if you wanna listen - but they're on the front page.  The songs I played in each hour (first hour, birthdays; second hour, death anniversaries) are listed below.

There should be a word that has two opposite meanings, like "aloha," that I can use at the end of these posts that means both "enjoy because it's happy" & "enjoy even though it's sad."  Is there one?  & is it in fact in German?

(birthdays)

"Makin' Faces At The Man In The Moon (Milt Coleman, vocals)" Ben Selvin & His Orchestra _The Very Best Of Ben Selvin & His Orchestra_
"A Boy From Texas, A Girl From Tennessee" Randy Brooks & His Orchestra _1945-1947_
"Peg Leg Stomp" Peg Leg Howell _Atlanta Blues: Big City Blues From The Heartland_
"G. R. Boogie" Gene Rodgers _The Boogie Box_
"Wild Card" Tex Williams _Vintage Collections_

"Eisenhower Blues" J.B. Lenoir _1951-1954_
"Seven Little Girls (Sitting In The Back Seat)" Paul Evans _Happy-Go-Lucky Me_
"Police On My Back" The Equals _Greatest Hits_
"Trust Me" Janis Joplin _Pearl_
"Lady Love Bug" Clodagh Rodgers _You Are My Music...  The Best Of Clodagh Rodgers_

"East Of Woodstock, West Of Viet Nam" Tom Russell _Blood & Candle Smoke_
"Over & Done With" The Proclaimers _This Is The Story_
"An End Has A Start" Editors _An End Has A Start_
"Wise Ol' Man" The Fall _Wise Ol' Man EP_
"Patripassian (feat. Nick Cave)" Current 93 _All The Pretty Little Horses_

(death anniversaries)

"Walkin' After Midnight " Patsy Cline _The Patsy Cline Collection (Honky Tonk Merry Go Round)_
"Hangman's Boogie" Cowboy Copas _Hillbilly Boogie: Crazy Bout The Boogie_
"Dog House Boogie" Hawkshaw Hawkins _The History Of Country & Western Music, Vol. 14 (1947-1948)_
"Hey Bartender Give That Man A Drink" Jumpin' Joe Williams with Red Saunders & His Orchestra _The OKeh Rhythm & Blues Story 1949-1957_
"Over The Rainbow" Judy Garland _Judy Garland In Hollywood: Her Greatest Movie Hits_

"The Immigrants" National Lampoon _Gold Turkey_
"Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe" Bob & Lucille _Rockin' Bones: 1950s Punk & Rockabilly_
"Chim Chim Cher-ee" Dick Van Dyke _Walt Disney's Mary Poppins (Original Cast Soundtrack)_
"Are You Having Any Fun?" Vivian Stanshall _Keynsham_
"The Impossible Dream (The Quest)" Richard Kiley _Man Of La Mancha Original Cast Recording_

"We Are Climbing" Chuck Wagon Gang _Flowers In The Wildwood: Women In Early Country Music_
"Love At Last" Leighton Noble with the Ted Fio Rito Orchestra _Radio & Recording Rarities_
"What Am I To Do" The Paris Sisters _The Complete Phil Spector Sessions_
"Sweet Dreams" Dave Sampson & The Hunters _British Beat: Before The Beatles 1955-1962_

"Tanguillo: Zambrilla" Carlos Montoya _Flamenco!

The Gary Files # 23: Gary Kurtz

(Taken from this page.)

An explanation: Since the name Gary is going extinct, I thought it incumbent upon me to celebrate more notable Garys than myself.  This is the twenty-third of a series!

Gary Kurtz is, according to the Wikipedia, "an American film producer whose list of credits includes American Graffiti (1973), Star Wars (1977), The Empire Strikes Back (1980), The Dark Crystal (1982), & Return to Oz (1985)."

When did you first become aware of him?  I told you I was a credits reader!  I saw his name in the credits for all the Star Wars movies

Did you know, when you were a kid, what a producer did?  Nope.

Do you now know what a producer does?  I think it depends on the producer, doesn't it?

I don't know.  I don't know what a producer does.  Oh, I thought you were trying to trip me up

Why would I do that?  I don't know, it seems like the sort of thing you'd do.

It is?  It would make the interview more fun, you know, maybe, just to say "aha!" every once in a while.

Oh I'd never do that a friend!  Right, but, you know, it's this interview format.

We're friends, right?  Uh.  I mean, you ask me questions once a week, I answer them.  I think our relationship is more - for lack of a better word - professional.

Oh.  What, did I hurt your feelings?

No, no.  It sounds like I hurt your feelings.

No, I'm fine.  Let's just get on with it.  Was his name really Gary?  Apparently so.

Born in 1940.  Probably named after Gary Cooper?  I would guess so.

I think we covered everything.  Yeah, not a lot to talk about with a producer.  Hm.

Would you like to get a drink or something after this?  Uh - I'm going to dinner with my wife, actually.

I understand.  Sniff.

Oh for fuck's sake.

Self Help Radio 030116: Let's Pretend

(Original image here.)

Pretending to do a radio show is something I did way before someone foolishly let me behind a microphone.  I suspect that that's true for many people.  I used to love to watch WKRP In Cincinnati & daydream of being in that tiny booth spinning records all day long.  I never had two turntables at home - but Dr. Johnny Fever & Venus Flytrap were so unconcerned about their own radio shows that, once they'd started a record & got off the mic, they rarely cued another record up right away, which is generally what deejays do.  How I wish I could be that carefree behind the board!

Guess what?  I don't have to pretend anymore - I am sort of almost kind of a deejay a little.  Now, I've never been paid for this work (& if I had, it's a guarantee that someone would be asking me for their money back), so I am glad to accept the title "amateur."  But it's leaps & bounds away from pretending.

Not to cast aspersions on pretending!  Holy smokes, it's what this entire show is about!

You can listen now at the Self Help Radio website.  Though the songs might've seemed like pretend, they were as real as music can be.  The show is in two parts; what I played in each is listed below.

Maybe the show is more fun if you pretend to listen to it?

(part one)

"Let's Pretend There's A Moon" Fats Waller & His Rhythm _1934-1935_
"The Great Pretender" Stan Freberg _Capitol Collectors Series_
"Pretend" Carl Mann _The Legendary Sun Records_

"Let's Pretend" The Raspberries _Overnight Sensation: The Very Best Of The Raspberries_
"The Great Pretender" Brian Eno _Taking Tiger Mountain (By Strategy)_
"Just Pretend" Department S _Is Vic There?_
"Let's Pretend" The Cannanes _Frightening Thing_

"Love Is Just The Great Pretender" Animal Nightlife _Love Is Just The Great Pretender_
"Let's Pretend" Cinerama _Disco Volante_
"Let's Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits" The Magnetic Fields _69 Love Songs_
"Pretend" Girlboy Girl _Fresco_

"You Pretend To Be The Moon" Future Bible Heroes _Memories Of Love_

(part two)

"Pretend Not To Care" Crippled Pilgrims _Down Here (Collected Recordings 1983-1985)_
"The Young Pretenders" Red Sleeping Beauty _Soundtrack_
"Just Pretending" My Dad Is Dead _Pet Sounds Volume One - A Benefit For Alter_

"Pretend To Smile" Le Futur Pompiste _Your Stories & Your Thoughts_
"Pretending Part 2" Tiger Baby _Lost In You_
"Trying To Pretend" Vivian Girls _Share The Joy_
"Pretend To Be Brave" BOAT _Pretend To Be Brave_

"Pretend It's Love" The Postelles _...And It Shook Me_
"Pretend & Descend" Magic Bullets _Magic Bullets_
"Pretend That We're Smart" Candyaudioline _Summer Escape_
"Pretend Girlfriend" Spray _Children Of A Laser God_

"Pretending To Be Drunk" Sparks _Pulling Rabbits Out Of A Hat_

Whither Let's Pretend?

(Original image here, of all places.)

Confession time: I loved to pretend when I was a kid.  My pretending would sometimes involve other people - in fourth grade, for example, I was such a huge comic book nerd that I organized all of the kids who, like me, didn't play soccer (geeks) into different members of the Legion Of Super-Heroes.  But more often my pretending involved me & me alone: I would spend hours with my Star Wars figures, & whatever other fully-posable action figures I had, making elaborate, episodic stories up &, if I had the time & space, using entire rooms to do so.

One fond memory I have was, for some reason, being alone in my mother's boyfriend's apartment, which was full of weird things an unmarried middle-aged man might collect, & bringing all my action figures (& vehicles, & structures, & whatever) over, & spending the afternoon telling an hours-long, star-spanning story.

Though I loved science fiction, I loved super-heroes more, & I hardly ever used any particular action figure as the character it was supposed to be.  More often than not, I'd make a masked character - like a Stormtrooper - the super hero identity of a non-masked character, like a Han Solo.  The Stormtrooper might be a hero called Cloud Man & the Han Solo would be its secret identity. & I would incorporate whatever toys I had around - legos, Fisher Price characters, whatever.

Naturally, I have no idea what the stories I made up were.  I'm sure they were borrowed from whatever comic book I was reading at the time.  But damn did I have fun.

No promises can be made about a Self Help Radio show about pretending, however.  It's on from 4-6pm today on 88.1 fm in Lexington + online at wrfl dot fm.  Lots of music, plus visits from experts of all stripes.

It would be fun if you listened, but given the show's topic, I'd be all right if you just pretended to listen.

Preface To Let's Pretend: A Brief History Of Gary's Acting Career

Pretend is what actors do.  They pretend to be fictional characters, or real people who have existed, or other species, space aliens, gods, demons, even anthropomorphic versions of non-human creatures.  & of course most everyone wants to be an actor.  It seems like such fun!

Certainly I thought I'd be a good actor.  I could memorize stuff!  & I took "Theatre Arts" in the ninth grade.  Despite the fact that the teacher was a terrifyingly rotund basket case who spoke way too much about her personal life, I persevered.  I thought I had it in me.

The school had a thespian group, I don't remember what it was called, & I joined.  An early triumph was an "improv" exercise in which I, just by constantly throwing myself back onto the stage, got allowed to do "improv" at a rival school with two old actors & someone else from my grade.  I was terrible at it.  I wasn't funny & I didn't know what I was doing.  But try telling me that!

Auditions for the first play of the year, which was The Serpent - whether it was the Jean-Claude Van Itallie play or not I couldn't say - were a disappointment, though I stuck it out with the club.  I landed a minor role in the spring play, which was Mother Courage (!).  But the new co-drama teacher planned badly, & we young "actors" were constantly standing around, arriving on nights in which we were scheduled to rehearse to discover that the previous night's rehearsals were still going on.  I lived at the time very far away from the school, & despite having a large family, I often found myself walking home at eight o'clock at night, getting home an hour later, hungry, tired, angry.  I quit.

Looking back, I wish I hadn't.  I was improbably self-important.  But I said goodbye & didn't get involved in the theatre arts at my high school again.*

Until.  My friend Terri, who happened to be the person with whom I did the "improv" stuff three years earlier**, & who stayed the course & starred in many of the school's performances, encouraged me to audition for the fall play of my senior year.  It was The Crucible (the oddball drama teacher who wanted kids to do Brecht having been run off after her second year).  I got a similar role as three years before - about three lines.  Still bizarrely self-important - & perhaps remembering how much time it would suck up - I declined the role.  I think I hurt Terri's feelings - perhaps she went to bat for me with the drama teacher who had other kids who deserved a chance (because, you know, they were in the classes & the group) more than I did.

But Terri's feelings aside, that decision I don't regret as much.  & while I discovered that I couldn't put on the one-act Woody Allen play The Query during the talent show, because each act was limited to five minutes, I did get to play several roles in our senior English project, which was an examination of power using texts we had read that year, using as a framing device a made-up children's program called The Mister Professor Show.  I was the title character, & I wrote most of it, although there was improvising aplenty.  I also played (an incomplete list from what I can remember) Hrothgar from Beowulf, Creon from Oedipus, Joseph the servant & Linton Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights, & Lady Macbeth from Macbeth, in which I wore drag, & played her like Blanche in Streetcar.  This performance is actually saved on videotape, although it's not that good.  I know, I've tried to get people to watch it.  Mainly they're freaked out to see me in all my high school whatever-it-is-that's-the-opposite-of-glory.

There was one great bit.  One of the girls in our group - I think her name was Jenny - had a bunny suit she wore as Grendel.  When Beowulf (played by a fellow named Kenny) slays Grendel (off screen), he emerges with the bunny suit, telling the camera that he killed Grendel.  We used the same gag when Macbeth was killed - Macduff (possibly also played by Kenny) comes in with the bunny suit announcing that he had killed Macbeth.  I thought that was pretty funny.

After that - not a lot of acting work for me.  I was involved with a girlfriend's performance art in college, & was in a "trailer" a friend at work made to try to get funding to make a movie, but once I got into radio, that was my performance "outlet."  & if you ponder how terrible I am at that, you can imagine how bad an actor I would be!

Interestingly, the radio would lead me to my last acting opportunity.  A few years back, some kids at WRFL approached me while they were making a film (the finished product would ended up having most of the people at the station at the time), telling me I'd be great as the lead's dad.  It kind of broke my heart to realize that, yes, I was now old enough to be cast as someone's dad.  But I was flattered enough that I said, sure!  I went one night to a disgusting efficiency near the university &, in three hours, filmed a scene that takes up about twenty seconds of screen time.  & I was not good at all.  It was sobering.

The filmmakers didn't edit the movie - it's three hours long - because I think they feared disrespecting all those who contributed by cutting them out - & they haven't "released" it, either - but seriously they could easily cut my part out.  It's dreadful.  The film could then by two hours fifty nine minutes long!

Such is the history of Gary pretending as an "actor."  Ah well.  I can still pretend to be a reasonably good deejay on the radio!

* A fun note: when I went to see the play, I discovered all three of my lines (which I of course had memorized the first night) were not given to anyone else, but were shouted from off-stage.

** We didn't become friends then - I was kind of a dick to her during the "improv" show we did at the other high school.  It would take being involved in something called Whiz Quiz in twelfth grade to make us friends.

Cradle To Grave, Episode Thirteen

Lucky episode thirteen. I'm not in the slightest superstitious (which is remarkable, because I was raised by a woman whose religion is superstition), so I wasn't going into this episode with dread.  In fact, I don't regularly number my radio shows (ie, this is Self Help Radio episode three hundred nine), so it doesn't usually come up.  Why am I number these shows?  I think it might be because I eventually hope to do 365 of these - one for each day of the year!

This week's show was bittersweet for me, because I had to play & talk about two people who are real heroes to me: Leonard Nimoy & Mister Fred Rogers.  I took their deaths pretty hard back into the day.  What's weird is that my heroes the easiest people to program - you know, because I know their work backwards & frontwards.  It would've been nicer, though, if I were celebrating their birthdays - & they were still alive.

The show is available now at Self Help Radio dot Net.  You can listen to it on your birthday.  But maybe not on the day you die.  I think you'll have other things to worry about then.

Here's what's on the show.  Enjoy!

(birthdays)

"Sometimes I Feel Like A Motherless Child" Marian Anderson _Softly Awakes My Heart_
"Down Hearted Blues" Mildred Bailey & Her Alley Cats _The Ladies In Blues_
"Love For Sale" Elisabeth Welch _The Ultimate Elisabeth Welch_
"Junk Man" The Spirits Of Rhythm _1933-1945_
"Brown Sugar" Doc Cook & His Dreamland Orchestra _Freddie Keppard: Legend_

"Stack-A-Lee, Part 1" Archibald _The Complete New Orleans Sessions 1950-1952_
"Bon Ton Roula" Clarence Garlow _Let Me Tell You About The Blues: Texas - The Evolution Of Texas Blues_
"(Everytime I Hear) That Mellow Saxophone" Roy Montrell _Mardi Gras Blues_
"Hesitation Boogie" Hardrock Gunter _Hillbilly Boogie: Crazy Bout The Boogie_
"Singing The Blues" Guy Mitchell with Ray Coniff & His Orchestra _The Best Of Guy Mitchell_

"Sugar & Spice" The Cryan Shames _Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era_
"Mony Mony" Tommy James & The Shondells _The Best Of Tommy James & The Shondells_
"Do Something To Me" ? & The Mysterians _Mindrocker: Anthology Of 60s US-Punk Garage Psych, Vol. 11_
"Make Me Smile (Come Up & See Me)" Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel _The Best Years Of Our Lives_
"(Forever) Live & Die" Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark _The Pacific Age_
"Three O'Clock In The Morning" Dexter Gordon _Go_

(death anniversaries)

"Highly Illogical" Leonard Nimoy _Two Sides Of Leonard Nimoy_
"Dr. Ben Basey" Micky Shorr & The Cut-Ups _Dr. Ben Basey_
"Australia" Spike Milligan _The Spike Milligan Collection_
"I Laughed" The Jesters _The Best Of The Jesters_
"I Put The Bomp" Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers _It's Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers! Essential Recordings 1955-1961_

"When I'm In My Tea" Jo Jo Adams _Jump Blue: Rockin' The Jukes_
"Congo Beat" Saka Acquaye & His African Ensemble _Gold Coast Saturday Night_
"Psychedelic Train" The Chosen Few _Don Letts Presents The Mighty Trojan Sound_
"Superstar (Remember How You Got Where You Are)" The Temptations _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 11B: 1971_
"The Breaks, Pt. 1" Kurtis Blow _Say It Loud! A Celebration Of Black Music In America_

"You Ain't Heard Nothing 'Til You Hear Him Roar" Sons Of The Pioneers _Blue Prairie_
"Tightrope!" George Duning _Television's Greatest Hits, Vol. 4: Black & White Classics_
"Surfin'" The Orlons _Everybody's Goin' Surfin'_
"Girls Don't Count" Section 25 _Always Now_

"Nighttime Sounds/Tree, Tree, Tree" Mister Rogers _Bedtime_