Self Help Radio 011119: Thinking Of It

(I found the clipart I used up there here & here.)

Is this what you were thinking of when you thought of a show about thinking of things?  You might think, "What will he think of next?" or even "Why didn't I think of that?" but ultimately there's always so much we're thinking of, it's hard to sometimes think ahead & think "What will I later be thinking of?"  This show, then, collects many things people just like you or me (except, in many cases, famous musicians) & what exactly they were thinking of at some moment (that moment is, of course, when they wrote the songs).  It may cause you to reflect on the things you think of, or it may cause you anxiety because you never thought you had to think of such things.  In any event: so much here to think of!

This show I am thinking of, which is about thinking of things, is (I think) at the Self Help Radio website at this very moment.  Remember, you'll need a username (try "SHR" without the quotation marks) & a password (try "selfhelp" ditto), but you'll get to hear two hours of great music & so-so attempts at funny, & the details are listed below.

At the very least, think fondly of the show.

Self Help Radio Thinking Of It Show

"All I Think Of" Koko Beware _Something About The Summer_
"Thinking Of You" The Colour Field _Virgins & Philistines_
"Are They Thinking Of Me" Brian Eno _EnoBox II: Vocal_

introduction; accounting; the Grammar-O-Tron 7000

"Thinking Of You" Don Cherry _Thinking Of You_
"Think Of Me" The Prisoners _WiserMiserDemelza_
"Think Of The Ways" Golden Grrrls _Golden Grrrls_
"What Do You Think Of Love" Shrimp Boat _Cavale_
"All Day I'm Thinking Of You" Wolfie _Putting It Together (B-Sides 1997-2000)_

interview with & performance by body musician Bogogob Smith

"Thinking Of You Baby" Amos Milburn _Vicious Vicious Vodka_
"You're All I Can Think Of" Most Valuable Players _You In Honey_
"Thinking Of The USA" Eater _British Punk Rock 1977_
"Think Of These Things" The Field Mice _For Keeps_
"When I Think Of You" Whirlaway _You Make Me Smile_

interview with author David Fruchter

"If I Think Of Love" OP8 _Slush_
"Do You Ever Think Of Me" Laura Cantrell _Not The Tremblin' Kind_
"I Know What You Think Of Me" Barcelona _Simon Basic_
"Thinking Of You" Bill Fox _Transit Byzantium_
"I Think Of Demons" Roky Erickson & The Aliens _The Evil One_

interview with "psychic prestidigitator" the Great Sherdini

"Why Didn't I Think Of That" The Marlowes _Somewhere Down The Road_
"When I Think Of You" Twiggy _Twiggy & The Girlfriends_
"Thinking Of A Dream I Had" The Walkmen _Bows + Arrows_
"Everytime I Eat Vegetables It Makes Me Think Of You" The Ramones _Subterranean Jungle_
"I'm Thinking Tonight Of My Blue Eyes" Bob Atcher & Bonnie Blue Eyes _The Golden Age Of Bob Atcher & Bonnie Blue Eyes_

conclusion & goodbye

"Thinking Of You" The Flatmates _Love & Death (The Flatmates 86-89)_
"Thinking Of You" AVO-8 _Is This The End?_
"Thinking Of You" The Thermals _We Disappear_
"I Close My Eyes To Think Of God" Comet Gain _Realistes_
"I Think Of You" Harmony Grass _Valentine 2000_
"I Still Think Of You" Guy Blackman _Adult Baby_

Whither Thinking Of It?

(Image from here.)

Here now for your educational edification is a conversation I recently had with myself:

ME: What are you thinking of?
ME: Do you mean, what am I thinking about?
ME: I meant what I said.
ME: You could also have said "What are you thinking on?"
ME: Did I say that?
ME: You could have said that.
ME: But I didn't.
ME: You didn't say a lot of things.
ME: There simply isn't enough time.
ME: Oh I don't know.  You take a lot of time to say not a lot of things.
ME: So you won't tell me what you're thinking of?
ME: Why don't you know?
ME: Why should I know?
ME: You're me.
ME: No, you're me.
ME: Primacy is irrelevant.
ME: The hell it is.
ME: If you're me, or I'm you, we'll have the same thoughts.  QED.
ME: Unless.
ME: Unless what.
ME: I am coming up with a counter argument.
ME: No you're not,
ME: How could you know?
ME: Because I am you.
ME: It hardly seems possible.
ME: You're just me pretending to be difficult to drown out the other voices in my head which don't seem to originate from me so can be easily understood to be a harbinger of madness.
ME: Yeah I hate those voices.
ME: Which is why we make conversation with myself.
ME: I never knew!
ME: You always knew.
ME: How could I know?
ME: Because damn it you are me!
VOICE: Hello!
ME: Did you hear that?
ME: Yipes!  Okay, ask me again.
ME: What are you thinking of?
ME: Good question!  Let's make it a radio show.
ME: Hot dog!

That's how this week's show came about.  Also, I've doubled my medication, by which I mean whiskey, & am drunk every four hours on the dot.

Tomorrow.  Noon.  Self Help Radio Dot Net.  If you think of it.

Preface To Thinking Of It: Having Never Once Thought Of It

Do you want to know a word that I can pronounce correctly which I don't ever say correctly in my head?  You do?  Holy shit.  Hold on a second, I need to note this in my diary!  You never want to know the stupid things that I say.  Are you feeling well?

This is the word: carotid.  It means (as an adjective) "relating to or denoting the two main arteries which carry blood to the head & neck, & their two main branches."  As a noun, it just means those arteries, although people will often say, "carotid artery."

Here's how it's supposed to be pronounced: car (like the thing you drive) rot tid.  But faster.

Here's how I say it in my head: carrot (like the vegetable) id.

Why does that happen?  When I was a kid I would often mispronounce words to help me spell them better, like I would say "Wed-ness-day" so I could remember the letter d in there, or I'd say "sub-tull" to put the letter b in subtle.  But I heard the word "carotid" many times before I saw it written down.  Or maybe I didn't.  I never took anatomy or anything, I am just assuming I heard it first on E.R.

& now it occurs to me that this has nothing to do with the theme of this week's show, which is "thinking of it."  & now I am kicking myself for realizing I could have written, "Now that I think of it, this has nothing to do with this week's show."  Man, if only you could I don't know delete a sentence on the blog before it's published & write something else in its place!  But that sort of sci-fi fantasy is so unbelievable I won't even suggest  something so weird!

Might I also mention, I am putting words in italics far, far more often than usually.  I guess I am taking advantage of the ability to do so - in email, I still put a word in-between asterisks to indicate italics, *like so*.  I learned that in the early days of the internet.

Are we done?  Are you glad you asked about how I say the word "carotid" differently in my head than outside my head?  Do you know feel the need to make an offering to the gods that you can't actually hear me talking inside my own head?  It's fine that you don't want to do so, but seriously it sounds a lot like just listening to me talk, except, in the very few times it comes up, I pronounce "carotid" incorrectly.  I'm sure that would get annoying, or maybe we'd never even notice it.

If you could hear my head-voice does it mean I could hear yours?

Oh.  You stopped reading this a while back.

What Is Life, A Postscript

It never fails.  After I do a show, really almost moments after, I find something - sometimes it's a song, sometimes it's an image for the blog, sometimes it's a quote - that I could've used for the show.  This time it's a nice paragraph from Eric Idle's new "sortabiography" Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life.  What a nice thing I could have shared:

"After Brian, I took a long sabbatical, immersing myself in astronomy, learning about the immensity of our Universe, & generally self-educating myself in cosmology. I spent the nights gazing at the unbelievable numbers of stars wheeling overhead in the Milky Way, & wrote a lyric about it.*  I also read life science books, trying to understand evolution & the extraordinary appearance of life in the Universe.  I could understand the physical Universe expanding & banging away, but why does life evolve over billions of years to become you & me?  This opened my mind to the central question of the Universe: What is life?**  To my mind, nobody has yet answered this question adequately. Well, alright, Professor Brian Cox did, but we were both pissed at the time, & we have completely forgotten what he said. Steve Martin, a philosophy graduate, said that life exists so the Universe can experience itself."

Yeah, the book's got a lot of name dropping.  It's weird, Elvis Costello's autobiography is like that, too, like, I'm reading about someone I admire, I don't know why he or she needs to tell me they were friends with famous people.  Anyway, it's quite fun & funny & that quote would've been nice to insert into the show.  But oh well.  I'll just insert it here.

* He & his wife were living in France at the time, in a place without electricity or running water, so it must've been fucking gorgeous at night.
** This question was italicized in the original.

Might I Air Some Dirty Dishwashing?

Everyone knows that their dreams are the most interesting things in the world & everyone else who listens to such dreams described doesn't know what they're missing.  For this reason alone I share with you a dream I had last night which exposes my bareness for the all the world to read.

But before that, can I mention how tired I am most of the time.  I also might be depressed.  I think one of my eyes has gone missing.  I can't see my own eyes, so I can't be sure.  Oh shit, I could use a mirror!  Or a lake.  Well, it's too late for a lake.  & the nearest lake is filled with sleeping ducks (I am assuming for the sake of blandishment that ducks sleep on the water & not, say, in sleeping bags floating on the water) & they might be mean sleeping ducks or worse yet ducks that get really fucking angry when they're wakened by big humans trying to see their reflection in the lake in the middle of a dark night & they may take my other eye.

There was something else I meant to mention but I closed my remaining eye for a bit then my cat Boone came up on the little desk next to my computer & he started to talk to me about things like cat college & whether cats thought rugby was manly or silly & then I was like oh fuck me this is another dream isn't it?  So I had some pizza & woke with a bag of Hall's cough drops in my mouth.

The cough drops aren't all that helpful these days but when I had a nasty cold around Christmastime, I
also (this was told to me by my wife, who's not a medical professional but don't tell her I told you that) had some form of bronchitis which I don't know if I ever had before (welcome to your sixth decade you old fuck) but I need to stress it's undiagnosed, I didn't have a doctor put on the gloves & swish around in my lungs (if that's how they do it) but I did cough quite a lot, & when it cools down here (it was 75 degrees today, fuck you very much) & I'm outside in the cold, my lungs want to cough.  That's why the cough drops were on my desk although they look nothing like pizza, & also don't taste anything like pizza, unless you mean mentholated cherry pizza, which, if that's a real thing, & I just talked it into existence, I'm sorry.

Thirty minutes ago you said, "This has gone on long enough" & I haven't even gotten to my dream, which to be honest was a plain old anxiety dream so I'm glad you took this time to tell me a bunch of shit I'm going to go forget now.  But thanks for coming, or whatever your reaction was.

That last line was a Martin Mull joke.  I needed to confess that.  & oh yeah, I found my eye.  It was in my head but not abnormally so.

Self Help Radio 010419: What Is Life?

(Original image here.)

Welcome to the first Self Help Radio of 2019!  Also, apologies.

This episode features many answers to the question "What is life?"  It can be a bowl of cherries, or a gas, or a dream.  It can also be funky, fine, confusing, & meaningless.  Life contains multitudes.

& it's entirely up to you - I don't advocate a particular answer - but I give you many, many choices.  Maybe share your answers?  But I haven't.  So maybe not.

There's also The Happy Philosopher!  & a performance by the band Shuran Shuran!  Maybe this show is the life!

Probably not.  But you can listen now at the Self Help Radio website.  Even if you don't know what life is, I'll tell you that the username is "SHR" & the password is "selfhelp."  What's on the show is listed below.

Enjoy!  & happy new year!

Self Help Radio What Is Life? Show

"What Is Life" George Harrison _All Things Must Pass_
"What Is Life" Black Uhuru _Reggae Greats_
"What Is Life" Ebo Taylor & Uhuru-Yenzu _Life Stories_

introduction

"Life Is Just A Bowl Of Cherries" Rudy Valle & The Connecticut Yankees _Brother Can You Spare A Dime? Great American Songs Of The Depression_
"Life Is Fine" Jimmie Lunceford & His Orchestra _The Decca Singles, Vol. 4: 1941-1945_
"Life's Full O'Consequence" Eddie Anderson & Lena Horne _Lena Horne At Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer: Ain' It The Truth_
"Life Is A Problem" Sister O M Terrell _Life Is A Problem_
"Life Is Like A Card Game" Big Joe Turner _The Chronological Joe Turner: 1949-1950_

interview with the Happy Philosopher David Fruchter

"Life's What You Make It" Talk Talk _The Colour Of Spring_
"Life's A Gas" T.Rex _Electric Warrior_
"Life's A Gas" The Ramones _¡Adios Amigos!_
"Life's A Trippy Thing (with Nancy Sinatra)" Frank Sinatra _The Complete Reprise Studio Recordings_
"Life's A Ball (While It Lasts)" Different Shades Of Brown _The Complete Motown Singles Vol 12A: 1972_

interview with new wave band Shuran Shuran

"Opus Dei (Life Is Life)" Laibach _Opus Dei_
"Life Is Long" David Byrne & Brian Eno _Everything That Happens Will Happen Today_
"Life Is Better Than Death" Martin Mull _Perfect/Near Perfect_
"Life Is But A Dream" The Genders _Phone Home_
"Life Is But A Dream" Twink _The Broken Record_

Marge Most interviews biologist Dr. Robert "Bob" Stinkë

"Life Is Meaningless" Oblong Boys _Pizzazarama Universe_
"Life's A Boring Game" The Legendary Bang _Big Bluff_
"Life Is" The Marmalade _Rainbow: The Decca Years (1969-1972)_
"Life Is A Dream" Noel Harrison _Where The Action Is! (Los Angeles Nuggets 1965-1968)_
"Life Is Funky" David Wilcox _Out Of The Woods_
"Life Is Love" Sam Cox _West Coast Winners, Vol. 1_

conclusion

"It's What Life Is" Masters Of The Hemisphere _Epithalamia_
"Life Is A Fear" Editors _In Dream_
"Life Is Suffering" Deerhoof _The Magic_
"Life Is Confusing" Langhorne Slim _Lost At Last Vol. 1_
"Life Is Just Okay" YJY _The Enduring YJY_

Whither What Is Life?

(Image from here.)

It is a question many ponder, this "What is life?"  I am frankly not one of them.  No, I'm more likely to ask, "When do we eat?" & then follow that question up with, "What are we having?" & of course "Can I have some more?"  There are deeper questions still, like, "Is that all?" & "Are you going to finish that?"  & of course there's "Don't tell me I ate too much!" which isn't a question but like many imperative sentences does lead one to another question which of course is, "Did I eat too much?"

However, this week's show - the first of 2019! - has chosen instead to tackle the question, "What is life?"  It wasn't my decision, but I did sign off on it, probably while eating.  It's easy to get me to sign off on things if I am stuffing ungodly amounts of food into my mouth & down my craw.  I think I proposed to my wife while eating.  The process of eating is for me such a culinary trip that I am incapable of thinking about anything besides what I am consuming & also probably wondering whether there's more & maybe occasionally looking about to see if it's nearby.

Should you think perhaps the question can easily be answered "life is food" & you don't have to listen after all, may I remind you that the show explores its themes - in 2019 as well as before - through music, so why not let the musicians & also the show's guests help with that question?  If I were a musician & I wrote songs, I most certainly might write a song called "Life Is Lunch" but I am not a musician I am a curator so why are you arguing with me about this?  Either listen to the show or don't, why focus on my obvious eating disorder?  I thought 2019 was going to be different.

The show happens tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio dot net.  There will be lots of answers to the question but you will have to make your own mind up.  Also, you'll need to make your own meal, if you listen while you eat.  & if you make some for me, that will be greatly appreciated.  I'll swing by after the show to get it.  Excellent!

Preface To What Is Life?: Is This Life?

Here's a picture.  Is this life?

It is not.  It's a salt shaker, but without salt.  I found the image on the Bed, Bath, & Betrayal website.  I think they might be afraid that, if the image were shown with salt, the customer would expect the shaker to come pre-filled with salt.

Do you remember when salt was extremely expensive?  You do?  You must've been born a long time ago.  Because it's been pretty cheap for a while now.  I know it hasn't always been cheap.  But it's not like you lived in India during the Salt March.  Or did you?

Anyway, while salt is essential to life I can assert that it's not life itself.  This is not to diminish in any way, shape, or form, the greatness of iodine, an essential nutrient.  Nor is iodine life, at least not life as we know it.  Hear me out.  I have reason to suspect - the evidence is mostly anecdotal but in my defense it's anecdotes beamed into my brain from another planet, called Sashabroom, which is somewhere near Betelgeuse - I have reason to suspect that right under our noses there's an entirely new lifeform which we call "iodine" which has been secretly entering our bodies & making us susceptible to alien suggestions.  This is not something I'm supposed to talk about so please ignore this paragraph & pretend there's a - well - I dunno - maybe a pepper shaker here?  But it will be empty, of course, because I don't want you believing that it comes pre-filled with pepper.

This concludes what I hope was an edifying lesson.  But it's only the beginning.  For most of the rest of tonight & well into the weekend, I'd like you to stop people whom you pass, point to something, & ask, "Is this life?"  You will soon get a more or less strong sense of what is & is not life.  Point to things at random!  Don't just point at people!  If it turns out they're not life, they're going to be quite offended.  Same with bees.

But it's cold now so the bees are vacationing in the tropics, so perhaps point at a bee, if you see a bee.  I don't think any bees who are working while their sisters are on vacation will mind.

Oh my look at the time.  Really, look at the time.  Do you see?  Is this life?

Happy New Year/What Did I Do Last Night

Oh yeah, I'll let Bo Burnham handle this one:

The Last Post Of The Year

Oh golly I almost didn't write here today. I think I thought it was Sunday. Having a cold all week & being mostly alone (just me & the critters, as the wife is with family in California) makes one lose track of the time.

The older I get the more I am loathe to say "good riddance" to anything but boy so much of 2018 sucked.  I lost two of my babies, one of whom I had known since she was a kitten.  I lost a radio station but gained another, although I fear Self Help Radio languishes in its current state, & I am unable to think of any way to revitalize it. Can I tell you a story?

For about two years I volunteered with a local low-power fm station here in Fort Worth.  They shall remain nameless but they wouldn't let me do Self Help Radio because their "brand" (as they described it to me) was that they only played local music. I really couldn't have done Self Help Radio the way I like to with only local music. After two years of producing a weekly events calendar there, I felt it was time to move on, & not long after I did, they proudly trumpeted the fact they had a new show - one that features non-local music. I tried not to take it personally.

The station at which I do the Tuesday Morning Blend wouldn't let me do a show on any other area station (which is weird to me - I guess I thought all noncommercial stations should stick together) but I would've left that station to do SHR live here in town.

That's 2018 in a nutshell.

& I'm not even going to get to do a show on the radio this week - my friend Carole has been helping out with the Pledge Drive on KNON so I'm letting her do the Tuesday Morning Blend tomorrow. It's the least I could do, & it's her first radio show in maybe twenty years. All day long I felt like something strange was happening in my head, & I realize it's that I wasn't preparing a radio show today. It's like I walked around all day with my foot asleep.

But Carole will do great, & I'll pretend I needed a day off.

This seems a little melancholy & maybe it's sentimental old me being wistful at year's end.  Tomorrow is another year.  I'll do my best to make sure it's fun.  Happy new year to you!

Self Help Radio 122818: Indiepop A To Z # 58

(All images from Discogs.)

The last show of the year!  Another Indiepop A To Z installment!  Like I've been doing since 2011!  Why is that?  I needed to try (even though I knew I'd fail) to finish the series but knew I'd forget if I didn't plan it regularly so, since at the time I was at a radio station at a university, I decided to do an episode of Indiepop A To Z at the end of each semester - which meant April, August, & December.  I'm no longer at a University, but I do want to continue with the series, so, voila!

Many apologies for my voice during this show.  I have had a cold all week & although I am better now, thanks for asking, I still sound like someone who needs their adenoids removed as soon as possible.  Luckily I don't talk all that much.  It's bound to be painful listening, & I'm sorry.

The show is now up at Self Help Radio's website.  Remember the username - SHR - & the password - selfhelp - so you can listen.  The show's a little over two hours long, going from The Monochrome Set to  Die Moulinettes, & I think there's lots of great songs.  But of course I would.

Thanks for listening this year & have a happy new one!

Self Help Radio Indiepop A To Z # 58

"The Jet Set Junta" The Monochrome Set _Eligible Bachelors_
"Don't Gimme Shelter" Monograph _Lorelei_
"Copan" Monokini _Mondo Topless_

"Dresden Neustadt" Monostars _Passagen_
"What Do All The People Know" The Monroes _The Monroes_
"Another You" Monterey _The Motorway 7"_
"I Couldn't Sleep, Either" The Montgolfier Brothers _The World Is Flat_
"Lovesville USA" The Montgomery Clifts _Deadwood Chronicles_

"I Was A Poor Example" Month Of Sundays _This Is Stereophonic Sunshine_
"Angel Delight" Monty _Angel Delight_
"Annapurna" The Mood Elevators _Annapurna_
"Justice & Money Too" The Moodists _Creation Soup Volume Three_
"Rise" The Moon Seven Times _The Moon Seven Times_

"Let's Sell All Our Records & Move Somewhere Else" The Moonlings _How Embarrassing To Dance Like That_
"Narcissus" Moonrace _Beikoku-Ongaku # 15: 2000 Spring 'Innocence + Peppermints' Issue_
"Allein Zu Haus, So Ist Das Leben" Die Moosblüten _Die Schönste Platte Der Welt_
"Jack" Moose _Jack_
"Holiday Right Tonight" The Mopeds _Hände Hoch_

"Listen To Your Heart" The Morrisons _The Sound Of Leamington Spa, Vol. 3_
"Suedehead" Morrissey _Viva Hate_
"Vicious Games" Mosaic Eyes _There Is No End To This_
"No Winter, No Autumn" Moscow Olympics _Cut The World_
"Hong Kong Flu" The Mosquitoes _A House Full Of Friends_

"Estrangeira" Mosquitos _Mexican Dust_
"One Summer" The Moss Poles _One Summer_
"On My Mind" Most Wanted Men _One Side Up_
"Good Friends" The Motifs _Cross Paths_
"Twisting The Apple Stem" Motion Picture _A Paper Gift_

"It Tastes Just Like A Milkshake" Moto _Woosh! Little Teddy Recordings 1991-2001_
"Big Rock Candy Mountain" The Motorcycle Boy _Big Rock Candy Mountain_
"Magic" Motorhome _Pop American Style_
"Zaubervogel Barbie" Die Moulinettes _Für Eine Handvoll Moulinettes_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 58

Oh, you know the drill by now.  Fifty-seven of these so far & we're on the letter M.  Here, I'll do something different: I'll preview some of the tunes you'll be hearing by showing their videos on Youtube!  I hope you appreciate it.

On this week's show: the Monochrome Set!



Plus: the Monroes!



Also: Moose



& naturally: Morrissey!



Plus much, much more.  Two hours of indiepop, its influences, its precursors, mostly with musicians & bands starting with Mo.

Noon.  Self Help Radio dot net.  I will still sound sick.  I am still a little sick.  Yay holidays!

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 58

Due to my sickness, I spent the day in bed.  Hit it, Morrissey!



Usually, when I feel a cold coming on, I try to sleep it away.  But the wife is in California with her family for the holidays & I have not one but two guests - the stray in my garage, & a sweet pup I am dogsitting.  So I wandered around town like an idiot yesterday & then took medications in the house which, because we're not sick very often, I discovered had expired years ago.  I went to get more, I took 'em, & I slept through a rainstorm or two.

& now it's time to do it all again.

Happy Christmas I Have A Cold!

Happy Christmas to you!  I am out of sudafed.

The last time I was at my doctor's I boasted I hadn't had a cold in two years.  But that wasn't true - I remembered this week that last year I had a cold too.  I guess what I get for Christmas is a cold.

& the forecast calls for rain.  Ah well.  I hope you had a lovely day.  I need to sleep some more.

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like - Oh Crap It's Here!

(Fifty years ago today Apollo 8 orbited the moon & took this picture of our planet from space.  Taken from here, where you can also read the entire story.)

Happy Christmas Eve!  This is the portion of our program where I tell you that there are a ton of Self Help Radio Christmas episodes on the website if you need holiday cheer or even holiday weird for the holiday this.

There's this year's show plus!
Christmas 2017
Christmas 2016
Christmas 2015
Christmas 2014
Christmas 2013
Christmas 2012
All the way back to Christmas 2011.

Of course, I've done Christmas shows every year but one since I've been doing Self Help Radio, but those shows are not on the website for some reason.  If I had time today, I'd see if they were around & upload them.  But you're not going to listen to any of them, so why should I try to find Christmas 2004?  Eh?  Eh?

Remember, you'll need a password & username (selfhelp is the password, SHR is the username) to listen.  It's a very cheap gift I know but consider it my gift to you!

Self Help Radio 122118: A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2018

(Original image here.)

It's Christmas!  Hurrah!  Hooray!  Oh wait.  It's not Christmas yet.  Well, shoot.

But!  It's the weekend before Christmas, & all through your computer, you can listen to two hours of holiday music peppered with my usual ridiculousness (as well as contributions from my radio besties) in the regular fashion.  Seriously, it's the same way I've done it for years.  But you like regularity, right?  It's like Christmas!  New presents though!  The songs are the presents!

& boy there are lots of songs.  I think sixteen of them - more than half of the songs on the show - are from 2018.  That may not excite you.  Don't worry!  Someone's playing Elvis Presley singing Christmas tunes somewhere on the radio right now.  But you'd have more fun with this Christmas show.

It's now at Self Help Radio Christmas Central.  You'll have to "unwrap" it with a username & a password - "SHR" & "selfhelp" respectively, without the quotation marks - it's two hours long & all the stuff that happens on the show is listed below.

Happy Christmas!  This is my present to you.  You can't return it.  It's homemade.  Once size fits all.  Don't be a scrooge!  Listen!

A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2018

"Drink My Way Through Christmas" Karen Kilgariff _Live At The Bootleg_
"Merry XMas Blues" Celibate Rifles _Platters Du Jour_
"Christmas Tree (Burn Burn Burn)" The Catenary Wires _Stars_

introduction & checking on the "War On Christmas"

"It's Christmas (Let's Be Happy)" Jenny Adkins _It's Christmas (Let's Be Happy)_
"The Friendly Beasts" Slumber Party _Xmass_
"My Christmas Memory" Patton Oswalt _222_
"TV Christmas" Frode Fivel _TV Christmas_
"Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" The Beths _Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"A Ghost Story for Christmas" Aidan Moffat & RM Hubbert _Ghost Stories For Christmas_
"Santa Baby" Me First & The Gimme Gimmes _Santa Baby_
"The Evil Santa" Bill Murray & Gilda Radner _The Best Of The National Lampoon Radio Hour_
"Lego Blocks" Ramoms _Merry Xmas_
"Xmas With Simon" The Fall _Shift Work_

point/counterpoint with David Fruchter

"A Winter Song" Remington Super 60 _A Winter Song_
"Xmas Song" School Damage _A To X_
"Santa's Race" D.L. Hughley _Clear_
"Xmas Rap (Un-Censored)" Treacherous Three _The Sugar Hill Records Story_
"Santa's Coming Down The Chimney" Confidence Man _Santa's Coming Down The Chimney_

interview with the Holiday Spirit

"New Year" The Darling Buds _New Year_
"What Would Santa Do" The Monkees _Christmas Party_
"Icelandic" The Proctors _Icelandic_
"Poem At Year's End" Sofia Talvik _Poem At Year's End_
"Xmas On The Isthmus" Shinyribs _The Kringle Tingle_

conclusion & goodbye

"Santa Claus Is Pagan Too!" Emerald Rose _Unearthed_
"Gotta Love Being A Kid (Merry Christmas)" Old 97's _Love The Holidays_
"I Want Christmas" El Camino _The Western Star Rockabilly Christmas Party_
"Christmas Every Day" Rosie Flores _Christmasville

Whither A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2018?

(I found this on Tumblr last year, I don't remember where.)

That's right, it's Christmas time again!  I have been avoiding the radio & I don't really shop except for food so I've not been bombarded with holiday music at this point, which keeps me sane as I prepare one more Self Help Radio Christmas show.

This show will be fun.  Our friend Jenny has written a Christmas song for the show.  It's the closest thing to a Christmas tradition I have!  Well, except the Christmas show.  Also, the gang's all here with goofy interviews.  & oh yeah!  For the first time ever I can play songs with bad words in them for Christmas!  It won't be too bad.  But I've been wanting to play a couple of tunes without editing them & by golly I don't have to now.

So maybe this won't be a show for the whole family but no one really listens to the Christmas shows on Christmas.  I used to daydream that they did.  But they don't.  Of course not!  The show will be ready for hanging on a tree or something like that tomorrow at noon over at the Self Help Radio website.  I think I save all the other Christmas shows too?  Maybe I'll mention it Monday.

Also I'll be playing Christmas songs on the Tuesday Morning Blend on Christmas morning.  But I'll mention that later.  What I am looking forward to is the Christmas morning drive to Dallas.  I hope the highways are practically deserted.  That will be amazing.

Preface To A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2018: Christmas Music Amiright?

Oh god Christmas music.

Just type "I hate Christmas music" in your search engine of choice & see what you get.

Scientific proof it's a natural thing to do.

Other attempts to explain the distaste.

A screed in Good Housekeeping for fuck's sake.

& of course the inevitable Reddit conversation.

It's my belief that people despise Christmas music - & I think many more people do than will even admit it - for two main reasons: a) its ubiquitousness & b) its superfluity.

Christmas music starts getting played as early as October, & yet it's the same songs over & over, from "White Christmas" to "Do They Know It's Christmas?"  I'm sure it's lucrative - most every pop star has a Christmas record, & also some indie acts.  Even 87-year-old men whose status as a cultural icon will never be in doubt find time to record a Christmas album.  (It's pretty awful, by the way, & not good-awful.  At least I thought so.)  But it takes something special for a Christmas song to break through these days - in general, I'd bet (though I don't know this for a fact) that the best way to score a Christmas hit in popcommercialland would be to do a cover.  Lots of pop star Christmas records have covers of familiar songs.

But you know what else?  There's simply too much of it out there.  Trust me, I do a Christmas show every year & I like to play new stuff & newly discovered stuff.  It is not that it's a vein that's been overmined - no, excellent takes on Christmas music like Aidan Moffat & RM Hubbert's new record show there's so much more that could be done with Christmas music - it's just that people are content to, you know, cover "White Christmas."  Over & over.

Seriously, there are these records by acapella groups & harmony groups that are only Christmas records, with no new songs on them at all.  Dozens of them.  Somehow they can sustain themselves with this.

& yet, chances are the next time you're in a supermarket, you'll be subjected to Springsteen singing "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town."  & - oh no - damnation! - are you singing along?

For the record, I don't hate Christmas music.  I get a little sick of it.  Which is why I only do one Christmas show a year.  Except.  Oh shit.  The Tuesday Morning Blend is on Christmas this year.  Well fuck.

Scary Caller Pt 2

This morning on the Tuesday Morning Blend on KNON, the same weird caller (I think) as last week called me again.

It's as if he's involved in a long conversation & at some point near the middle of it, he picks up the phone, calls the station, & when I say, "Good morning, KNON," he continues as though there's been no interruption & we're all on the same page.

"I'm on the run but I done no crime," he said this morning, & then he laughed.  "That's a freestyle.  I'm on the run but I done no crime.  I'm on the run but I done no crime.  I am freestylin'!"

Not knowing if I were supposed to know who this person was, or if I've spoken him on the phone previously, I simply replied, "Okay."

"I'm on the run but I done no crime," he repeated, & I began to think he either doesn't know what a freestyle is, or he's more deliberate than the average freestyler, & is editing as he goes.  "Shout out to all the KNON crew!"

"Thank you," was all I could say.

This was toward the end of the show, & the next deejay was coming in, so as he kept talking - he began to name different KNON shows he wanted to give shout outs to - I told him I had to go.  He left willingly - after all, the conversation was definitely going to continue long after he was off the phone.

Or maybe he calls other radio stations?  Television stations?  Friends from high school?

Simba's Story

This fellow is named Simba.  It's not his given name, if he ever had an owner.  It's what my wife has been calling him.  Our neighbors brought him over - coaxed him over, really - on Saturday, hoping we could hold on to him & maybe take him to get looked at by a vet.  He had an obvious gash on his forehead, something under his eye, & something behind his ear.  One of his ears was injured at some other time in his life, & looks like it "cauliflowered" over.  He's a very loud fellow but took food - my guess is he's a good hunter & a better beggar - despite a tendency to hiss when you approach him, even as he's hoping for a pet.  Food got him into our garage, where he's stayed since.

We scrambled to find some organization that might help with low-cost help - I'm not cheap but the wife is - & maybe a place for him when he recovers.  One person, from a group called Panther City Feral Cats Coalition, called us on Sunday, & let us know about an arrangement the group has with a local vet.  Little Simba - he's not that little, & he's somewhat stout - spent two days in the garage before a neighbor & I took him to the vet this afternoon.

My wife thinks I'm a sentimental fool & she's right - I could never volunteer at a shelter because I'd want to adopt all the animals, especially the ones no one wanted.  Simba was taken away, to be treated & neutered if he wasn't already, & I was told they'd need to keep him overnight.

Not so!  The folks at University Animal Hospital fixed him right up, & we were told that the Panther City folks would cover it, but at a discount rate it was reasonable so we footed the bill.  Simba was groggy & quiet on the ride home, but perked up & is back in the garage right now, & let us hold him to apply ointment to his wounds.  He no longer has his manhood but he's had a good run - the vet says he may be eight or nine years old!  I had thought he was picked on, but nope.  He's a tough guy who's probably dispatched many a rival tom.  We think he might have found his way here because another stray we're trying to catch is in heat.

It's too easy for me to fall in love with cats & I had already thought about adopting him, but I don't think at his age he'll take to domesticity too well, so the plan is, in a week, after the wounds have healed, to let him loose.  The vet thinks his home range will shrink without his testicles telling him what to do, & we'll continue to feed him if he's around.

He is so lovely & sweet.  "All hiss & no bite," is how a neighbor described him.  I feel a little bad about his confinement - I'm glad it's not hot out! - he sits at the door & meows at the other strays around him - but I don't want him to die from a stupid infection - not when he's survived for so long against all odds.  Tough critter.