Self Help Radio 041219: Indiepop A To Z # 59

(All covers found on Discogs.)

Here it is, the first installment of Indiepop A To Z of 2019 - & the last Self Help Radio from Fort Worth, Texas.

It's been a bit weird, I realized that fact (you'll hear it on the show) toward the end & now everything feels a little sad.  I wasn't this sad when I was at KNON, probably because I wasn't doing the show I love doing, & also from inside my home with my animals around.  I have spent about two & a half years in this room of mine with all my music around me, with a dogbed under my desk & just behind me (often populated by cats), & soon enough - in just a little over three weeks - this space will no longer be mine.  The power of endings is intense.

Speaking of endings, I also didn't finish the letter M.  I have like three or four more bands.  Why not just put them on the show, Gary?  Because I didn't want to go over two hours.  But in August, I promise, we finish M & start the letter N.

For those keeping count at home, we began the letter M in episode 53.  We'll finish in 60.  I should do some sort of accounting... No!  Gary!  You have to start packing!

The show is now at the Self Help Radio website.  Remember to find the username + password there, or here: SHR/selfhelp.  The songs I play, hopefully with the artists in alphabetical order, are below.

No new show till the middle of May!  However did you get so lucky?

Self Help Radio Indiepop A To Z # 59

"Riches & Wonders" The Mountain Goats _All Hail West Texas_
"Devil In The Deep Blue Sea" Mousefolk _Hazy Tambourine Days_
"Living Room Picnic" Moustache Of Insanity _Moustache Of Insanity_

"Love Me Or I'll Kill You" Mouth _Love Me Or I'll Kill You_
"Michael, Michael, Michael" The Moving Jelly Brothers _You Can't Be Loved Forever 2_
"Blay" Moving Pictures _Without Friends_
"Save It" Stuart Moxham _Personal Best_
"Number 4 St. James's Square" Mr. Martini _Abracadabra: The "Magnificent Triviality" Of Él Records_

"Around The May Pole" Mr. Wright _The Fancy Man_
"Bent Backwards" Mrs. Kipling _Sunny Sunday Smile_
"Solace" Muggins _A Chance To Shine: A Dorian Records Compilation_
"The Two Of Us" Mumbles _Breaking Up EP_
"Demain" Mumbly _Seven Summers (International Pop Vol. 2)_

"Go Honey" Greg Murray _Go Honey_
"Dream Sequence 1" Pauline Murray & The Invisible Girls _Pauline Murray & The Invisible Girls_
"Giving Way To Trains" Murrumbidgee Whalers _Giving Way To Trains_
"Going Crazy" Musical Chairs _Time Lapse EP 7"_
"Plain" My Autumn Sons _Perfect_

"Cigarette In Your Bed" My Bloody Valentine _You Made Me Realise EP_
"Burning Hearts" My Favorite _The Kids Are All Wrong_
"She Fakes Apples" My Finest Hour _Grimsby Fishmarket 4 Norrkoeping 0_
"Better Things To Do" My Friend Wallis _Split 7" with Watermelon_
"Something" My Guru Says _3 Seasons Are Enough!_

"You Feel Loved" My Laundry Life _The Art Of Science_
"You Don't Sparkle (In My Eyes)" My Life Story _Mornington Crescent_
"Kowloon Park Swimming Pool" My Little Airport _Hong Kong Is One Big Shopping Mall_
"My Little Brother" My Little Brother _A House Full Of Friends_
"Capital Of Norway" My Little Pony _Making Marks_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 59?

(I had to ask dictionary.com.)

Here we are, again, listening to & talking about this almost-forgotten musical genre called "indiepop," plus progenitors & influences when possible.  Do you really need me to talk about it some more?  I normally program this show every four months but (in case you've really not been paying attention) (& if so, good for you!), I'll be taking a break while we move from Texas to Oregon.  I have a lot of records & CDs & stuff I'm going to pack earlier than usual.  The wife gets a little stressed out & we're not in Portland yet where it's legal to buy things to help with one's stress.  You see?

Also: I thought I'd finish the letter M tomorrow but now I'm not so sure.  I have spent the day gathering music & I always find more than I intend to.  Now & then I wish I has simply gone down the list at twee dot net but of course that's not me.

Okay.  Tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio dot net, two hours of indiepop.  Hope you can join me.

Should I also mention that this is the blog's 3100th post?  No?  Then I won't.

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 59: Fifty Nine?!?

Is there a word for when you end a sentence with more than one question mark or exclamation point?

Is there?!?!

If you end a sentence with more than one period, it becomes an ellipsis.  I understand that an ellipsis is generally thought of as three dots, but I've known people who use as little as two & have seen sentences end with four or more.  I'm an old-fashioned three dot ellipsis kind of guy myself.  Anyway, I'm not talking about ellipses.  I promise...

At the radio station I just left, one of the fellows who does promotions loves to double up his exclamation points.  I would link to a page but it probably won't still be there after some time so let me get a screen shot.  I haven't seen this, I just know it's going to be there.

Yup:

Seven sentences in the copy (not counting the header).  Five end with double exclamation points, one surprisingly has only one (what did Cynthia ever do to KNON?), & one (the only imperative sentence) rates a period.

For me, I prefer three or more exclamation points to indicate boundless excitement & three or more questions marks to demonstrate serious confusion.  But my favorite is the mixture of exclamation points & question marks that I asked about at the beginning of this post.

If there's a name for it, I wanna know.  I love using it in combinations like:

This one?!?

Or this one!?!

Or some version of this one!?!?

But never ever like this!!??

Or this??!!

That doesn't make any sense.

Nor does anything I've written here.  What does any of this have to do with indiepop?!?!

Whatever I May Misremember

I woke up this morning at 5am.

Lots of people do that, I know, I'm not asking for applause.  But you must understand, most every Tuesday for the past year, I've awakened at 4am, taken a shower, let the dogs out, gave the cats a little more food, grabbed the last few things I wanted to play, & headed out (around 5:30) to Dallas to do a show.  A show called the Tuesday Morning Blend.  Which happened this morning without me.

Please don't think I'm sad about it.  I'm really not.  But my body & mind, which know things I might not be entirely aware of, wanted me up this morning at 5am.  I wandered around the house - this house that I won't live in in a month - & I drank some water & I think I might have hit my arm because I woke with a gash - with my little dog Yoko licking it suspiciously - in any event, it was a lovely night, the windows were open, I went back to sleep a little confused.

That'll pass.  A few minutes ago I listened to the first few minutes of today's show hoping I might get a slight mention but nope.  It's not my show anymore.  This is going to sound a bit envious & pathetic but it's true.  I handed over the Facebook page I created for the show to its new host, & he has many, many more Facebook friends than I do & doesn't mind blanket-requesting them to like the show*.  So while I had for the year I did the show maybe fifty "likes," over the past week it has more than quintupled.  I gave the new host admin privileges but can't seem to delete myself, so I keep getting these likes for a page that is no longer mine.  I suppose I've become numb to it but when KNON deejays who knew me, who knew I had a show, but chose not to "like" the show's page, & yet are now doing it when another person has taken it over - you know, it makes me feel I was not very much cared for at the place.

But of course I'll never be there again, & at some point I'll figure out how to extricate myself from that situation.  The truth is, despite the sting of one's peers being absolute dicks to you & not even knowing it, I don't miss the place or the show.  I didn't feel an emptiness or anything like when I have left other stations.  But then again, those stations/shows weren't disrespecting me right & left in ways I can monitor.  Maybe I would've hated that too!

Seriously, I have no idea how I cut my arm.  The wound is about an inch long, & there's blood on my sheets.  I remember the first time I heard about hemophilia, I worried for a moment I was hemophiliac & feared bleeding to death when I didn't know I was bleeding.  What I have might be far worse.  I injured myself in a kind of confusion & don't even feel pain.  I just notice it later.

UPDATE: I think I removed myself as any kind of person who can affect the page.  Let's hope now the notifications will stop!

* I didn't do that.  I asked maybe twenty people.  Many people who are "friends" with me on Facebook I haven't seen or spoken to in five or more years.  I don't really interact with them on Facebook, either.  They have never shown an interest in listening to me on the radio & if they "liked" the show it would be out of politeness & doubtless they'd make me like something they're doing that I would do out of obligation.  I don't think the new host of the show has the same qualms.

Hey! Didya Know?

(Remind me to tell you about the origin of the phrase "Hey! Didya know?"  I could probably also share some samples.)

You might not have listened to last week's Self Help Radio, but if you did you might not have noticed something - something I am stupidly proud of.

It was I think quite an achievement - a radio show full of songs that all mentioned every day of the week.  That was cool.  I think I did a good job.  But!

Hey!  Didya know?  All the other pieces, created by me & my collaborators - the interview, the fake ads, the interstitial "funnies," & the airbreaks - even the intro! - all of them also mentioned every day of the week.

Did I do that on purpose?  Of course!  Am I a little too self-satisfied right now?  You bet!

Self Help Radio 040619: The Days Of The Week

(Original image here.)

The show is a day late & it was recorded while a thunderstorm ripped through Fort Worth this morning - I was afraid the power would go out - but by gum here's the show where every song mentions (at least once) all the days of the week.  In retrospect, it wasn't that difficult to put together, but I did collect songs for over a year.  I wish I could do that with all my themes!

As well, it's the next-to-the-last episode before the show goes on hiatus while the wife & I & our brood move to Portland.  I will need the time off but I'll miss doing the show!

Never mind that: please enjoy this ridiculous episode of Self Help Radio which is of course at Self Help Radio dot net.  Remember! The username is SHR, the password is selfhelp.  All that happens on the show is listed below.

Also, might I add sundaymondaytuesdaywednesdaythursdayfridaysaturday?  I needed to say it one last time.

Self Help Radio Days Of The Week Show

"A Man For Every Day In The Week" Sippie Wallace _Louis Armstrong & The Blues Singers_
"My Sunday Gal" Cab Calloway & His Orchestra _1932_
"I Love To Walk In The Rain" Shirley Temple _Remember Shirley_

introduction & definitions

"Call It Stormy Monday (But Tuesday Is Just As Bad)" T-Bone Walker _The Original Source_
"Ain't It A Shame To Go Fishin' On A Sunday" Lead Belly _Lead Belly's Last Sessions_
"Lucy Mae Blues" Frankie Lee Sims _Lucie Mae Blues_
"Blue Monday" Fats Domino _The Fats Domino Jukebox_
"Everyday Of The Week" The Students _The Doo-Wop Box_

Marge Most & Ned Dry interrupt!

"I Met Him On A Sunday (Ronde-Ronde)" The Shirelles _The Shirelles Forever_
"Never On Sunday" The Chordettes _Golden Classics_
"Seven Day Fool" Etta James _The Essential Etta James_
"Let's Go Steady Again" Neil Sedaka _Oh Carol: The Complete Recordings 1956-1966_
"Solomon Gundie" Eric Morris _Intensified_

interview with cultural historian Malcolm Puckfuppet

"Nothing" The Fugs _First Album_
"2 Day's Monday" Scaffold _Thank U Very Much: The Very Best Of Scaffold_
"Police On My Back" The Equals _Greatest Hits_
"Coney Island Steeplechase" The Velvet Underground _Another View_
"The Quiet Man" John Prine _The Singing Mailman Delivers: Live Performance, 1970_

discussion: the origin of the names of the days of the week

"Tuesday Morning" Denny Doherty _Watcha Gonna Do_
"A Wednesday Car" Johnny Cash _The Rambler_
"La Grande Illusion" Television Personalities _...And Don't the Kids Just Love It_
"7 Nights To Rock" Nick Lowe & His Cowboy Outfit _The Rose Of England_
"Sunday's Slave" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _Tender Prey_

discussion: the origin of the length of the week

"Roots Rock Reggae" Pato Banton & The Reggae Revolution _Visions Of The World_
"Friday I'm In Love" The Cure _Wish_
"Without You" Bruce Springsteen _Blood Brothers_
"Days Of The Week" Dr. Jean Feldman _Dr. Jean & Friends_
"Black Betty" Tom Jones _Mr. Jones_

conclusion & goodbye

"Seven Days Of The Week (I Never Go To Work)" They Might Be Giants _Here Come The 123s_
"Thirsty Thursday" The Lancashire Hotpots _A Fistful Of Scratchcards_
"The Second Summer" Memphis _I Dreamed We Fell Apart_
"Saturday Night" Colton Turner _Colton Turner_

Whither The Days Of The Week?

(They had one for each day of the week, but my camera wasn't wide enough to get all seven.)

The idea for this show was a song by Bubblegum Lemonade from their record The Great Leap Backward.  There's a song called "Wishing It Were Friday" & I was thinking, that's a cool idea, right?  A show featuring songs that mention more than one day of the week?  That song mentions Monday through Friday.

But the more I started looking, the more I came to realize that just random days of the week - say, a song that only mentions Tuesday & Friday - would be pretty easy to find.  Maybe they had to mention five or more days - that would include "Lady Madonna" & "Seven Day Weekend" & "W.E.E.K.E.N.D." - all songs I thought about immediately when I decided on the theme.

Alas, my need to challenge myself led me to finally say, "No! All the days of the week!"  & that's what it's going to be.  Sorry it's late.  It might be worth the wait?  Probably not.

Tomorrow at noon at the Self Help Radio website.  A show on Saturday that features every day of the week.  Because it could've happened any day, you know.

Preface To The Days Of The Week: Other Media

Oh sure this week's show (which will be a day late, sorry) will feature songs in which every day of the week is mentioned, but what if Self Help Radio were a multimedia experience?  What if, for example, we had a Kid's Korner, where I read nursery rhymes, like this famous one:

Solomon Grundy

Born on a Monday

Christened on Tuesday

Married on Wednesday

Took ill on Thursday

Grew worse on Friday

Died on Saturday

Buried on Sunday

That was the end

Of Solomon Grundy

That's be cheery, right?  Kids love death.

Or what if there were a Self Help Radio Literary Salon?  I might share some James motherfucking Joyce:

"Sunday was dedicated to the mystery of the Holy Trinity, Monday to the Holy Ghost, Tuesday to the Guardian Angels, Wednesday to saint Joseph, Thursday to the Most Blessed Sacrament of the Altar, Friday to the Suffering Jesus, Saturday to the Blessed Virgin Mary

Every morning he hallowed himself anew in the presence of some holy image or mystery. "

That's from Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man.

But what about television or movies?  Okay, I didn't really look into movies, but I did remember just today that SCTV had its own soap opera, called "The Days Of The Week," which aired during their entire run in small installments but here some crazy obsessive pop culture hero has assembled them into one, movie-length run.  It's amazing:



Alas, I just got audio.  But you will be a bit overwhelmed how many songs there are that mention every day of the week.  Seriously, I could do a much longer than normal show.

But I won't!  I wasn't threatening you!  I won't do it!

Delay!

Welp, things this week took a turn so I won't have Friday's episode of Self Help Radio on Friday.  I'll have it Saturday at noon.  I'll announce it on the Facebook page tomorrow.  I thought I could get my shit together to get it done in time but nope!  Dag nab it!

This is why I need the weeks off to get moving done!  It might make it easier to get the show up & running in Portland, however.  We'll see.

Sorry sorry.

Last Day At KNON

David Pippin - the fellow whose show I took last year, when he left KNON for a job - that was the Wednesday Morning Blend - two weeks after I took over that show, another Blend person left, & I took her show - that was the Tuesday Morning Blend - David Pippin - who is now taking over the Tuesday Morning Blend, & a better person could not be chosen to helm that slot - what I was saying was - David Pippin came by the Blend this morning for me to pass the reins to him, & to let people know he was coming, & to say goodbye to me - & he bought me breakfast!

David asked me after the show if I were sad, & I had to say, no.  No, what I am sad about is that I never got a chance to do Self Help Radio in Dallas.  I have no idea if the show is any good - I don't get a lot of feedback, to be honest - but I enjoy doing it & I love asking my friends to come on & be ridiculous.  If I could make the show mainly interviews I probably would.  But there were no real opportunities to do Self Help Radio here.  So, when a freeform radio show became available, I auditioned for & got it.

But it was never really mine.  There was a particular thing we had to do - showcase music heard elsewhere on the station - which often got in the way of me playing the things I really wanted to play.  Not that I played things I didn't like - I have never done that.  Though I was "trained" at KVRX to mix genres, etc., I have a different sense of flow these days.  I don't like to think, "Hey, have I represented this or that genre yet this hour?"

To be fair, I did occasionally try to put a themed set together now & then, & once - just once - I did a bit with Allen.  But the show didn't lend itself to the same sort of shenanigans that I get up to with Self Help Radio.  It never felt right, I never felt I had enough time - the station promotes the hell out of its benefits, which is its right, but it often took eight to ten minutes away from the show per hour - & I never felt like it was something the station management would look kindly upon.

Boy, I would've loved doing Self Help Radio, though.  I would've pulled out all the stops.  I could've done it on KNON, on KTCU, on KFTW, on KUZU.  But there was no space on KNON, the station managers on KTCU did not want me at the station, the format of KFTW - all local music, except for a Grateful Dead show - did not lend itself to SHR, & no one at KUZU ever wrote me back.  For a place so big, it's crazy how few opportunities there are for community radio in D/FW.

But it makes sense.  Whole communities are being torn up to make space for apartments & condos for all the people moving here.  You can drive through entire shopping centers from Arlington to Frisco in which not a single place of business is local, they're all chains, & the fm radio dial is filled with stations from which most if not all content comes from corporate offices elsewhere.  KNON was an oasis, & they actually let me volunteer.  That was amazing.

Still, I was never more than a person doing a show.  It wasn't my show.  So I am not sad.  I kinda like the idea of staying at a place for a couple or three years & relocating.  But it's expensive & exhausting & anyway - I have this feeling - based on our visits - that we're going to like this Portland place.

Another Goodbye

Tomorrow I am doing my final show on the Tuesday Morning Blend on KNON.  It is a sad thing, & I am being lazy about it, basically repeating my "goodbye" show from WRFL.  Except, you know, it's not Self Help Radio.  I wish I could've done Self Help Radio on KNON, or any station in Dallas.  But I didn't get the chance.  My pledge drive shows were a piece of that - & they didn't raise any money, so maybe it's a good thing that I didn't do Self Help Radio in Dallas.

The funny thing is, I didn't really want to do the Blend, but I am glad I did it.  It reminded me of old freeform shows like I did on KVRX & the fills I took on WRFL.  I would've loved to do late-night freeform fills on KNON.  I would've totally dug driving the Dallas/Fort Worth highways without the traffic.  The traffic is the thing I will not miss.

So.  One more early Tuesday morning, a long drive at 6am with roads already choked with cars.  I see a lot of people talking on their phones in the mornings.  Who the fuck are they talking to?  Ooops, this started to descend into a bit.  Sorry.

See ya in the morning if you're listening!

Self Help Radio 032919: Stairs

(Original image here.)

Holy crap look at those stairs!  You could help fall down those stairs!  I can't stop looking at those stairs!  I am terrified & yet utterly compelled to find those stairs & walk on them until I fall or they collapse & either way I'm dead!  Because of those stairs!

By the way, don't look for "people falling down the stairs" videos on any video website.  It's not funny at all.  It's horrifying & I wish they'd show the person getting carried away by the paramedics & then the doctors telling him/her that they'll never walk again.  Because I understand that it's amusing when people tumble & stuff but falling down the stairs is a whole other degree of awful.

Oh yeah, I did a radio show!  About stairs!  No one fell.  As far as I know.  I can't get the images of poor souls plummeting down stairs out of my head now.  Ack!  I wish I'd never done a stupid show about stairs & thought it might be funny to watch people fall down stairs!

Okay, okay, radio show.  Yes.  Yes.  It's at the Self Help Radio website.  Username SHR, password selfhelp.  Almost two hours long, what's on the show is below.

Jesus, be careful on stairs!

Self Help Radio Stairs Show

"Precarious Stair" Crystal Stilts _In Love With Oblivion_
"Staircase Of Diamonds" King Tuff _Black Moon Spell_
"The Gentleman On The Stairs" Dagmar Krause _Commuters_

introduction & definitions

"Stairway To The Stars" Ella Fitzgerald _Something To Live For_
"I'll Build A Stairway To Paradise" Sarah Vaughan _Sarah Vaughan Sings George Gershwin, Vol. 1_
"Creepin' Up The Backstairs" The Fratellis _Costello Music_
"Backstairs" New Pornographers _Brill Bruisers_
"Walk The Back Stairs Quiet" The Wave Pictures _Beer In The Breakers_

the world's most notable stairs an interruption by Ned Dry

"The Staircase (Mystery)" Siouxsie & The Banshees _The Scream_
"Staircase At The University" Morrissey _World Peace Is None Of Your Business_
"Dachshunds With Erections Can't Climb Stairs" Les Barker _Up The Creek Without A Poodle_
"The Room At The Top Of The Stairs" Television Personalities _Privilege_
"The Girl Became The Stairs" The Heart Throbs _Jubilee Twist_

the world's most notable stairs a phone call from kids in Baltimore

"Spiral Stairs" Elf Power _In A Cave_
"Climb My Stairs" The Cat's Miaow _A Kiss & A Cuddle_
"Falling Down The Stairs" Even As We Speak _Feral Pop Frenzy_
"Fell Down The Stairs" Tilly & The Wall _Wild Like Children_
"Naked Girl Falling Down The Stairs" The Cramps _Flamejob_

a discussion about the song "Stairway To Heaven" by Neil Sedaka Led Zeppelin

"Stairway To Heaven" Me First & The Gimme Gimmes _Ruin Jonny's Bar Mitzvah_
"Stairway To Heaven" Rolf Harris _The Best Of Rolf Harris_
"Freeway To Stairbird" Reverend Billy C. Wirtz _Pianist Envy_
"Gilligan's Island (Stairway)" Little Roger & The Goosebumps _Gilligan's Island (Stairway)_
"Stairway To Heaven" Neil Sedaka _The Definite Collection_

conclusion & goodbyes

"Halfway Down the Stairs" Robin The Frog _The Muppet Show Album_
"Halfway Down The Stairs" Lawson & Four More _Thank You Friends: The Ardent Records Story_
"Halfway Up The Stairs" Rodriguez _Coming From Reality_
"At The Top Of The Stairs" Thundertree _Thundertree_
"At The Top Of The Ivory Stairs" The Pharmacy _Stoned & Alone_

Whither Stairs?

(Image from here.)

Hmm, stairs.  I guess I've been around stairs since the very beginning.  I didn't live in a house with more than one floor (therefore a set of stairs) until high school - which was also the time I first attended a school with many sets of stairs - but I did live in apartments with two floors (& stairs) from middle school on, & many apartment complexes I lived in had stairs to get to the apartments on the second floor.

My iPhone has an app that counts my steps, & whenever I look at it, it's strange when it notes that I've gone up a flight of stairs.  How did it know?  I bet I make funny noises when I go up stairs.  Like dreams dying.

In the last year I lived in Austin, I was a "secret smoker."  I had "quit smoking" in 2005 or 2006, but had found myself smoking a cigarette or two a day sometime in late 2008.  I used to keep a pack in my bag & I'd take a break once or twice a day, take some reading material, pull one cigarette out, & walk to a place called the UTC on campus, or the Undergraduate Teaching Center.  I'd go to the top floor - I'd take the stairs - it was maybe the fourth floor - where no one ever was - & I'd have my illicit cigarette & read at the top of the stairs there.  I tried to do it between classes, but there didn't seem to be many classes that high up in the building.  It was always so quiet.

Afterwards, I'd go to the restroom & wash my face & chew gum.  I was a "secret smoker"!  I don't smoke any more.  But I miss climbing those stairs to get a few minutes to read & relax.  That's my happiest memory of stairs.

Maybe there'll be happy memories of stairs after you listen to this week's show tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio's website.  Anyway, it can't be worse than falling down the stairs.  Can it?

Preface To Stairs: Didn't You Already Do A Show About Stairs?

Hypothetical listener: Say, I pay pretty close attention to your show because I am a hypothetical listener so anything's possible & I feel like you've done a show about stairs before.

Unhypothetical me: I can't believe anyone listens to the show!

Hypothetical listener: Yeah, yeah, but haven't you done a show about stairs before?

Unhypothetical me: Oh sorry, my eyes kind of filled with stars with the idea of someone actually listening to Self Help Radio.

Hypothetical listener: Right.

Unhypothetical me: It's just Charlie Brown winning a baseball game or something.

Hypothetical listener: I can just go check the list of your shows on the website if you're busy being weird.

Unhypothetical me: No, no, no.  I'll answer the question!

Hypothetical listener: Thanks.

Unhypothetical me: The answer is, no, I've never done a show about stairs before.

Hypothetical listener: But...

Unhypothetical me: But because you're a dutiful listener, you may recall that on April 11, 2009 - nearly ten years ago! - I did a show with the theme "upstairs downstairs".

Hypothetical listener: Oh yes, I remember!

Unhypothetical me: That was about places where stairs lead.  Not stairs themselves.

Hypothetical listener: Got it.

Unhypothetical me: I mean, the word "stairs" in the name, but I was meaning mainly like floors.

Hypothetical listener: Sure, I understand.

Unhypothetical me: I suppose some folks might have thought I was referring to the British drama from the 1970s but I wasn't.

Hypothetical listener: Great.

Unhypothetical me: I mean, I've never even seen it, except the end credits when it was on PBS right before Monty Python in my youth.

Hypothetical listener: Swell.  Oh gosh would you look at the time.

Unhypothetical me: Hmm?  What?  Oh, sorry.  I didn't mean to bore you.

Hypothetical listener: Now you know why I'm hypothetical!

Unhypothetical me: (very sad now) Yeah.

"Halfway Down"

Listening to songs today for this week's show, I found the Muppet Show song based on A.A. Milne's poem "Halfway Down."  You can read about it here, & I posted a crappy video of the song sung by Kermit's nephew on the Self Help Radio Facebook page but I was curious about the poem it was based on, which I found here.  But I repeat the sweet poem below.  & maybe I'll play the song on my show!

Halfway Down
by A. A. Milne

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn't any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I'm not at the bottom,
I'm not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn't up
And it isn't down.
It isn't in the nursery,
It isn't in town.
& all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn't really
Anywhere!
It's somewhere else
Instead!

Tumblr Blog I Like # 6

This one, called Deep Dark Fears.

For example:

You can submit your fears to be illustrated.  I'd do that, only I'm a little afraid of doing it.  Wait.

Self Help Radio 032219: Thumbs

(Original image here.)

Ah, thumbs!  Where would our hands be without you?  & yet, I don't think anyone's ever devoted a radio show to you!  What a sadness!  Well!  That ends today!  For on this day, Self Help Radio spends its time celebrating all manner of thumbs: green thumbs, golden thumbs, sore thumbs, sucked & unsucked thumbs!  In this space there is no judgment of thumbs; let them go up or down without jeers or cheers!  If one wishes to twiddle their thumbs or even sit on their thumbs & rotate, this is the time & place to do it.  Four cheers for thumbs!  Not as forceful as the pointer, nor as cute as the pinky, not your first choice for rings & totally incorrect for offensive gestures, it's the friendly thumb that gets you rides from strangers!  Thank you, thumb.  Have a ridiculous radio show for all your troubles!

The show is of course at Self Help Radio dot net, where it belongs.  As a rule of thumb, you will need a username (SHR) & a password.  All the contents of the show are listed below.

Happy day of thumbs!  Being "all thumbs" today is not pejorative!

Self Help Radio Thumbs Show

"Thumb" The Creatures _Wild Things_
"Thumb" The Chesterfields _Kettle_
"Thumb" Dinosaur Jr. _Green Mind_

introduction & interruption

"You've Got Me Under Your Thumb" Fats Waller & His Rhythm _One Never Knows, Do One: The Best Of Fats Waller_
"Under Your Thumb" Godley & Creme _The Very Best Of 10cc_
"Under My Thumb" Hounds _Puttin' On The Dog_
"Under The Thumb" The Len Price 3 _Pictures_
"Under Your Thumb" The Vaccines _What Did You Expect From The Vaccines_

interview with biologist Dr. Madeleine Unicorn

"Thumbs Down" The Chiffons _Sweet Talkin' Girls: The Best Of The Chiffons_
"Thumbsucker" Shel Silverstein _Freakin' At The Freakers Ball_
"Twiddle Your Thumbs Mum" Shrubbies _Memphis In Texas_
"Dancing On God's Thumb" Robyn Hitchcock _Black Snake Diamond Röle_
"The Man With The Golden Thumb" Jerry Reed _The Man With The Golden Thumb_

interview with filmmaker Paul Ees Douman (part one)

"Hitchin' A Ride" Vanity Faire _Super Hits Of The '70s: Have A Nice Day, Vol. 2_
"Thumbin' A Ride" The Coasters _There's A Riot Going On_
"Thumb Thumb" Frankie Lymon _The Complete Recordings_
"Thumbin' Johnny Brown" Burl Ives _It's Just My Funny Way Of Laughin'_
"Ridin' Thumb" King Curtis _Funk Drops: Breaks, Nuggets, & Rarities_

interview with filmmaker Paul Ees Douman (part two)

"Tom Thumb's Tune" Patience & Prudence _The Best Of Patience & Prudence_
"Tom Thumb's Drum" The Pasadena Roof Orchestra _Breakaway_
"The Story Of Tom Thumb" Joan Gerber _The Story Lady_
"Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues" Nina Simone _The Very Best Of Nina Simone_
"Thumbelina" Jimmy Boyd _I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus_

conclusion & goodbyes

"Neville Thumbcatch" The Attack _Magic In The Air_
"Thumbtack" Bob Mould _Bob Mould_
"Thumbtacks + Glue" Woodpigeon _Thumbtacks + Glue_
"Thumbtack" The Rad Trads _On Tap_
"Thumb A Ride" Melbourne Cans _Moonlight Malaise_

Whither Thumbs?

(Here's a bunch of thumbs from this place.)

Thumbs are fascinating.  Too big to stick in the ear, but perfect for the mouth.  Wait, am I writing weirdo erotica all of a sudden?  That's no good.  It won't surprise you that there are people with thumb fetishes but I don't think I will talk about this on the show.  But if you want to be more educated than anyone without the fetish needs, you can visit the Thumb Sucking Adults web site.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, I think thumbs are cool.  I have been toying with the idea of a show about fingers for some time, but thought I'd narrow it down to the handiest of fingers which is of course the middle finger.  But there aren't many songs about flipping people off but plenty of songs about thumbs.

It's happening tomorrow at noon at Self Help Radio dot net.  Two thumbs down?  Really?  Already?

Tough crowd.

Best Coercive Spam Ever!

Oh wow I just got the best threatening spam ever!  It came from someone calling themselves this:

"Janiece August"

(It's nice to know that the CIA has offices in Gabon.)

It's entitled:

Central Intelligence Agency - Case #14857293

Here's a big jpg of the message, but I'll print it out below:

Here's what it says:

"Case #14857293
Distribution and storage of pornographic electronic materials involving underage children.

My name is Janiece August and I am a technical collection officer working for Central Intelligence Agency.
 
It has come to my attention that your personal details including your email address (gary@selfhelpradio.net) are listed in case #14857293.
 
The following details are listed in the document's attachment:
 
Your personal details,
Home address,
Work address,
List of relatives and their contact information.

Case #14857293 is part of a large international operation set to arrest more than 2000 individuals suspected of paedophilia in 27 countries.
 
The data which could be used to acquire your personal information:
 
Your ISP web browsing history,
DNS queries history and connection logs,
Deep web .onion browsing and/or connection sharing,
Online chat-room logs,
Social media activity log.
 
The first arrests are scheduled for April 8, 2019.
 
Why am I contacting you ?
 
I read the documentation and I know you are a wealthy person who may be concerned about reputation.
 
I am one of several people who have access to those documents and I have enough security clearance to amend and remove your details from this case. Here is my proposition.
 
Transfer exactly $10,000 USD (ten thousand dollars - about 2.5 BTC) through Bitcoin network to this special bitcoin address:
 
39bwp3VtpMNLPQHwk89FgkNbWo7eEGnR7b
 
You can transfer funds with online bitcoin exchanges such as Coinbase, Bitstamp or Coinmama. The deadline is March 27, 2019 (I need few days to access and edit the files).
 
Upon confirming your transfer I will take care of all the files linked to you and you can rest assured no one will bother you.
 
Please do not contact me. I will contact you and confirm only when I see the valid transfer.
 
Regards,
Janiece August
 
Technical Collection Officer
Directorate of Science and Technology
Central Intelligence Agency"

When I read the email to my wife, she laughed out loud at the line, "I read the documentation and I know you are a wealthy person who may be concerned about reputation."

They should've listened to Self Help Radio, & they'd have known at the very least that I am not at all concerned about reputation!

It's so beautiful.  The only thing that would make this better is if it were a song.

This Is A True Story With A Silly Punchline

Shared on Facebook today:

I went to an Indian store a few weeks back meaning to buy some yellow lentils & instead bought chana dal (which is chickpeas) & finally decided to make them last week & the recipe I found was super spicy & delicious but the thing is, the entire time I'm making them I'm singing a song to the tune of that Iggy Pop ditty:
"I could escape this feeling with my chana dal
Wake up in the morning where's my little chana dal"

My wife talks a lot more about divorce these days it seems.