Preface To Chill: My Strange Love Of Fevers

Okay, I don't really love fevers.  What I love is when a fever breaks.

When I get sick, & when I get chills, I have the sense a fever isn't far behind.  & I feel strangely excited by that.  Chills are weird - you're cold but you're hot & you're constantly bundling up & throwing blankets off.  To have chills in the winter is a very confusing experience.

& believe me, I know fevers can be dangerous.  If you get over 104 degrees Fahrenheit, you can have brain damage.  Your brain is boilin' in there!  But again, because of what happens when a fever breaks...  I kinda look forward to fevers.

That should read up there "my strange attraction to fevers."  Or is that worse?

When a fever breaks, I'm usually asleep.  & I wake up.  & the world is crystal clear in a way that I have never felt except maybe - maybe - on acid.  It's clear even in the dark, I can make out details all around me.  It's what I imagine it must feel like to reach nirvana.  & it's so relaxing, after a few moments of taking it all in, I just go back to sleep.

Chills may lead to fevers & fevers have so far always lead to fevers breaking.  A broken fever is a sensation unlike any other I have felt.

Now, watch as I die from a fever cooking my brain.  Take that, you weirdo lover of fevers!

Electronic Music Show

There's computer magic with this post.  It's dated 10pm Friday night, but it's being written early Saturday morning.  The post has been backdated - Blogger allows this - because I wanted to share the show I just did on KBOO, which was an electronica show called Plugged In.

Plugged In is usually a deejay mix show, with guest deejays doing live mixes, but tonight it was just me playing pretty electronica.  You can listen to the show any time by clicking on this sentence.  It'll also show you the playlist.

You may notice two things: one, the songs are all very long; & two, I don't talk much.  Both are by design.  I didn't feel chatty & the songs I picked took their time & I enjoy that.

When I do talk, I mention KBOO's Holiday Membership Drive.  If you like the sort of station that plays a tribute to Curtis Mayfield, & then two hours of IDM, followed by a show that begins with Syd Barrett & New Order, you're going to want to support KBOO.

This post is from the future.  I hope you heed its excellent suggestions.

Uninterrupted Ambiguity

Two things happened to me today which have nothing to do with radio.

One, I met my first Jehovah's Witnesses.  I enjoy talking to religious folks & would've talked longer but my oven was beeping because lunch was ready.  The truth is, I think they realized I was not going to be someone they could convert, & were glad to leave.  The most interesting thing (to me) was that they both carried iPads with them & I could see one of them marking my address as the equivalent of "lost cause."

Two, I just read a comic book to my wife.  It's very hard to share with someone the love of & obsession with comic books, but this came up because I've been loving the show Watchmen & my wife is confused by it.  I thought if maybe I could familiarize herself with the comics, I could lead her into what I like about the show & to liking it herself.  She remains unconvinced after issue # 1 but was impressed with the excerpt from Hollis Mason's book in the back.  She didn't know they included stuff like that in comics.

Among the things she doesn't like: busy backgrounds & lettering.  She doesn't like that she has to pay attention to both the words & the pictures, & even more the lettering - like when Rorschach talks - isn't clear enough for her to figure out what it's supposed to sound like.  I told her that didn't matter - it was just designed to denote difference - but she has qualms.

Tomorrow - or soon enough - we'll try another issue & if she hates it, I'll give up.

One thing that's fascinating - I haven't taken my copy of Watchmen # 1 out of its sleeve in probably two decades - maybe even three.  But it is well-worn.  I must've read that over & over & over.  It certainly was far more familiar to me than I thought it would be.  It's as familiar as some songs that I haven't heard in as long, but know the words immediately.

Other things happened today - but these two stand out somehow.

Self Help Radio 120219: Pulse

(Self Help Radio is a star!  Well, a neutron star.  Spinning very fast.  Original image here.)

You already knew what a pulse was.  Maybe not the "lentil" meaning, but you understood it was a beat or a throb.  Perhaps you've checked your pulse before, or enjoyed dancing to pulsing electronical music.  This week's Self Help Radio didn't just want to tell you what a pulse was, but to show you all the different dimensions of pulse.  Did we succeed?  Isn't it weird when questions are asked in writing?  You know the writer is going to answer in the affirmative.  It's a lame rhetorical device utilized by the lazy scribbler trying to hammer a point home without demonstrating his or her absolute lack of skill?  It's infuriating.  That being said, did we succeed?  Oh yes.

The show today featured a poet, a scientist (or sorts), a motivational speaker, & the founder of the alternative health craze called Pulsology.  There were lots of pulsing songs &/or songs about pulse.  At one point during the show, I myself took my pulse & had to check WebMD.  That's not on the air, though.  Thankfully.  That was not gripping radio.  Just me gripping my wrist & thinking I might pass out.

The show can be listened to as readily as a pulse at the Self Help Radio website.  Remember, you'll need a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) to listen.  Anyone with a pulse is welcome!  Please no ghosts.  You haven't quite figured out computers & for some reason every time you touch the website, it fills with viruses.  The show is two hours long, & what happened on the show - songs & talk - is listed below.

Enjoy pulsing!

Self Help Radio Pulse Show

"Pulse" Ten Wheel Drive _Brief Replies_
"Pulse" The Psychedelic Furs _The Psychedelic Furs_
"Pulse" Todd Rundgren _Healing_

introduction & definitions

"Pulse" Loop _Fade Out_
"Pulse" David Ramos _This Up Here_
"Pulse" Lou Barlow _Brace The Wave_
"Pulse" Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark _History Of Modern_

interview with poet Phineas Johnston

"Let Me Feel Your Pulse" Furniture _The Wrong People_
"Picking Up The Pulse" The Hitmen _Torn Together_
"The Pulse Below The Ear" Chris Knox _Beat_
"My Pulse Pumps Passions" Hal Hubble _My Pulse Pumps Passions_

interview with motivational speaker Dirk Robbins

"Pulse Lovers" The Future _The Golden Hour Of The Future_
"Pulsating Dream" Kaleidoscope _Side Trips_
"Pulsing Pulsing" XTC _Rag & Bone Buffet_
"Slow Pulse Boy" And Also The Trees _Virus Meadow_

interview with sciencingtist Wally Grobe

"Pulse Of My Heart" The Soft Boys _Nextdoorland_
"Cosmic Pulse" Elephant Revival _Break In The Clouds_
"Find Me The Pulse Of The Universe" Laetitia Sadier _Silencio_
"Pulsing" The Body Electric _The Body Electric_

interview with inventor of Pulsology David Fruchter

"Pulsar (Fragment)" Astronaut Ape _Unknown Sector_
"Pulsar" Flaming Youth _Ark 2_
"Sibling Pulsars" Micromars _International Pop Modulations_
"Pulsar" Ride _Tomorrow's Shore_

conclusion & goodbye

"Pulsewidth" Aphex Twin _Selected Ambient Works 85-92_
"Pulse" Digitalism _Idealism_
"White Pulse" John Carpenter _Lost Themes II_

Whither Pulse?

(Image from here.)

Why, anyone who's got a pulse will want to listen to this week's episode of Self Help Radio, which is about PULSE.  That means, no dead people!  No vampires, no zombies, no one without blood flowing through their veins!  What, you're cryogenically frozen?  Sorry, you will not want to listen to this week's show.  You say you can slow your bodily functions through meditation to the point where you seem like you have no pulse?  Nope!  This show is not for you.  Check your pulse!  Do you have a vibrant, beating heart?  Then you'll want to listen to this week's show.

Is it because you can tell your alive when you check your pulse that made me think of this week's theme?  Sure!  Why not?  It's nice to have a pulse you can check to see if you're alive!  Maybe it's time to check Self Help Radio's pulse!  D'you think the show's still alive?  It must be!  This week's show has the theme PULSE!

It's on tomorrow morning from 6-8am on Freeform Portland - online everywhere, terrestrially in Portland at both 90.3 + 98.3 fm.

Will it make your pulse quicken?  How could it not?

Preface To Pulse: Not Really Much About Lentils, Sorry

To be fair, there will be some lentil content, but far more about the "beat" meaning of pulse.

Oh wait, you didn't know about that definition of pulse?  According to the Wikipedia, a pulse can also be "any agriculturally significant annual leguminous food crop, such as peas, beans, lentils, & chickpeas."

How I wish I could do an entire show about those pulses!  One day.  One day soon.

By the way, the word "pulse" meaning "throb" or "beat" is in no way related to the chickpea pulse.  The former comes from the Latin pulsus, meaning "beating from the blood in the veins" (as we use it now), while the latter comes from the Latin puls, which means "thick gruel, porridge, mush."  I guess mushy peas made them think of gruel or porridge as they slipped the word into English?

We're big fans of lentils here at Self Help Radio so I don't want you to think we forgot about them.  Especially as it's getting colder - a big ol' pot of lentil stew is just the ticket on long winter nights!  But for now - no radio show about them.  Alas!

Helpful Fellow

Someone just offered me bread.  "I work at a bakery," he said, wielding a large loaf of what I saw on the label was called Grand Central Rustic Bread.  "Have some."

Moments before, an irate young lady was angry at me for not buzzing her in.  She had buzzed four times, she was certain I saw the light, & now wanted to know if there were some issue that kept me from buzzing her in.  I had just stepped outside where she was smoking a joint & noticed the door was unlocked.  "It's not unlocked," she said, which indicated she had somehow propped it open so she wouldn't have to buzz in again.

She was very angry about not being buzzed in.  "Is there something else because if there isn't I'm done," she told me.

"What else could there be?" I said, genuinely perplexed.

It's quite cold out but there were lots of folks here - someone else obviously let her in - & I actually didn't see the light to let her in.  But that didn't matter.  My suspicion is that she was stoned & paranoid & angry & needed to believe it was personal.

What am I doing here?  Being a helpful fellow.  I'm shepherding new deejays who've just finished training & are doing their first radio show.  But only two people showed up.  & they regularly help out with another show.  I could be home, not being yelled at, & maybe enjoying a little whiskey.

The new deejay calls himself the Wolfman & is doing a passable Wolfman Jack impersonation.  He must know who that is.  I wonder if he knows who that is.  They're playing mostly hardcore punk, & he's quite hot on the mic, but I've recused myself to another room, where I imagine every song they're playing has a bad word in it.  He tells me checked all the music.  Ah well.

The irate young lady & another fellow went out for dinner.  She was muttering about "stupidity" & she raised her voice as she passed me.  I have no idea what slight she's imagining but I don't think she will ever believe it wasn't intended.  Ah well.  Just fifty minutes to go.

This is what it's like being a helpful fellow.

Thanksgiving Morning

This morning I was on the air on Freeform Portland from 2 to 6am.  When I arrived, there was no deejay - I guess he (it was a he, I think) either didn't show or left early.  Freeform has a rudimentary automation system - slightly more fancy than iTunes, which was KVRX's automation system when I did a show there a couple or three years ago - but not as fancy as XRAY's, which comes on after my show on Tuesdays & will cut me off the air like it's bigger & stronger than I am (which it is).

The wife doesn't understand it but I fucking love late night radio shows.  I discovered later that the streaming computer was offline, so my show simply went out into the ether, where it may, millennia later, convince an alien civilization to find the source of the transmission & destroy it.

Someone at Freeform actually wrote that he wasn't going to do his show because the stream was down - I suppose there's a sense that the internet is more important than terrestrial broadcasting - but I feel like I'd do a late-night show (or even Self Help Radio) even if it were just me in a little room where the only people who might hear the show were confused passers-by.  That's how I deejayed for the years before I actually got on the radio.

The deejay scheduled to come in after me didn't show either, so I stuck around for thirty minutes to make sure (I also texted him but got no response) & then I wrote the programming folks & headed home.  Maybe that deejay also knew that the streaming was down?  I didn't - I kept mentioning the website on the air - but I suspect he didn't come in because you know it's Thanksgiving.

It goes without saying I think that I don't believe in anything supernatural so I don't really have a deity or helpful elves or a space consciousness to thank on Thanksgiving but I am very grateful to have landed in Portland.  It's an embarrassment of riches with radio here.  I am literally turning down opportunities to be on the radio because I simply don't have the time.  (Also, the wife is getting jealous - she's always known that radio is her competition - & when I do three shows on three different station in three days, as I did last week, she can get a little grumpy.).

So yeah I guess I have an attitude of gratitude this Thanksgiving.  Even if people don't show up for shows that I would have died to do this time last year.

Self Help Radio 112519: Magda's Birthday Show 2019

(Original image from here.)

My wife's birthday week begins now!  Her birthday is on the first of December, but I felt it would be weird to do a birthday show after her birthday, so she got a birthday show one week in advance.  You'd think she'd appreciate a thoughtful husband like me but she instead thinks I'm cheap & should buy her a "real present."

She doesn't know how cheap I am!  This show is basically recycled - made up of songs that originally appeared on the first six or so birthday shows I made her (circa 2005-2010) plus funnies from a couple of shows I did in 2014 & 2105.  It was so easy I might do it again!  It's certainly more economical than listening to hours of birthday songs to find the three or four I like.

But it's all for love!

If you like birthdays, or want to listen to a birthday show when your birthday comes around, or just want to hear me talk about & play songs about birthdays, you can listen to the show now & on anyone's birthday at Self Help Radio's website.  There's no cake & ice cream left but you'll need a password (selfhelp) & a username (SHR) to listen.  What's on the show, including the in-between bits, is listed below.

Happy birthday!

Magda's Birthday Show 2019

"Birthday (Icelandic)" The Sugarcubes _Birthday 12"_
"Happy Birthday" Altered Images _I Could Be Happy: The Best Of Altered Images_
"Happy Birthday" Concrete Blonde _Free_

introduction & explanation

"Birthday" CJ Buchanan _Wives Of The Saints_
"The Happy Happy Birthday Song" Arrogant Worms _Gift Wrapped: The Best Of The Arrogant Worms_
"The Birthday Party" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"Unhappy Birthday" The Smiths _Strangeways, Here We Come_
"Sad Birthday Song" Girlfrendo _Surprise, Surprise It's Girlfrendo_

surprise phone call to the birthday girl!

"Sparkle Plenty Birthday Party Part I" Ben Aronin _Sparkle Plenty Birthday Party_
"Birthday Party" The Pixies Three _Growin' Up Too Fast: The Girl Group Anthology_
"You Are Allowed 20 Birthday Parties" Patton Oswalt _Werewolves & Lollipops_
"It's My Nose's Birthday" Jimmy Durante _The Great Schnozzle_

interview with birthday planner CJ Buchanan

"Birthday" The Ruby Suns with Esau Mwamwaya _Mojo Presents The White Album: Recovered_
"Birthday Lady" Emitt Rhodes _The Emitt Rhodes Recordings (1969 - 1973)_"Happy Birthday" The Innocence Mission _We Walked In Song_
"There's Always Someone's Birthday" Erik Halldén _Memories, Oh, The Memories_
"Happy Birthday You" Jay Jay Pistolet _Happy Birthday You_

birthday gift advice from the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"Happy Birthday To Me" Rose Melberg _Portola_
"Birthday" The Besties _Home Free_
"Birth & Death" Lewis Black _Stark Raving Black_
"Phil Spector's Birthday Song" The Sleazy Beats _Pure Spun Sugar_
"Yer Birthday" Casper & The Cookies _Oh!_

interview with party planner Allen from Surprise! It's Tom! For your party!

"Happy Birthday (Yet Another)" The Bambi Slam _Happy Birthday (Yet Another)_
"Birthday Wishes" Happydeadmen _Game, Set, Match_
"Birthday" Boris Smile _Young & It Feels So Good_
"Birthday" Shonen Knife _Fun! Fun! Fun!_

conclusion & goodbye

"Happy Birthday" Will Powers _Dancing For Mental Health

Whither Magda's Birthday Show 2019?

(I can't remember where I found this, sorry.)

Every year Self Help Radio has been on - well, almost every year - fifteen of the eighteen years it has been on - sixteen if you count this year - for some reason I skipped 2003 & 2005 - but I won't skip this year! - or next year, if anyone's expecting that - where was I? - oh yeah every one of those years I would reserve the episode of the show around the time of my wife's birthday for a birthday show filled with songs about birthdays just for her - well, the first birthday show I let her pick all the music - then I realized she would pick the same songs every year - that was troubling to me - so I let "birthday" itself be the theme - & this year as I've said will be no different!

Except it will.  This year will be the first Self Help Radio birthday show in Portland & I decided to revisit a few of the older shows - I am focusing on 2005 - 2010, actually - & play songs from those shows this year.  Why?  Haven't I been talking about that on this blog?  But wait, there's more!

Since 2014 I have been interviewing people on the show - people who are pretending to be experts about the show's theme - but who are in reality funny people I know - & tomorrow I will feature a few old interviews from previous birthday shows - in effect, it'll be like an old "clip show" - which the Wikipedia defines as "an episode of a television series that consists primarily of excerpts from previous episodes" - except you know Self Help Radio is not a television series (not yet, anyway) - & the excerpts will mostly be songs I played over a decade ago - so I'm not entirely sure it counts as "primarily of excerpts" - though the show will have new content - me hosting the show live on the air!  That's new!

So if you are having a birthday tomorrow - or if you've had a birthday this year - or if you plan to have one later this week or this month or this year - you can think of this week's Self Help Radio as your birthday show!

Listen tomorrow from 6-8am on Freeform Portland!

Unfortunately, my wife gets all the presents & cake.

Preface To Magda's Birthday Show 2019: Do-Over

Yesterday I wrote about my disdain for radio shows that basically program the same show every year for holidays or whatever, playing the same songs over & over, & how in a sort of reaction to that I deliberately choose to rarely if ever repeat myself with both themes & even holiday themes.

The reason I brought this up was because, for maybe the first time, I'm going to repeat myself for my wife's birthday show.  I said I'd tell you just why I'm doing that on the blog today, & so I shall.

Reason number one: I've never done a birthday show in Portland before.

Yeah, that's true.  Listeners here haven't heard the first fourteen or fifteen birthday shows, so they might be confused why I'd have a birthday show & not played a favorite - which I might have played over a decade ago.  & the show has just been on the air for like two months - how the hell is anyone to know I don't repeat myself?

Reason number two: I haven't really been looking for new birthday songs.

This is also true.  For some reason I just haven't taken the time to look for new birthday songs.  I have a handful, & some from last year I didn't play, but I don't know if it's enough to program two hours.  That's on me, I know - I certainly could take the time & dig for more birthday songs.  But then there's...

Reason number three: Sleep deprivation.

As I wrote here on this blog a week ago, I haven't slept a lot recently.  In fact, earlier this week I got very little sleep because I did three shows on three different radio stations within about four days. Sleep happened in snatched moment.  My thought about basically re-running an episode of Self Help Radio - not really a re-run, more a clip show - was that I could perhaps get a little sleep this week.

Have I?  I have!

Wait, did I just say "a clip show"?  What does that mean?  I'll talk about that tomorrow.

Reruns

As a rule, I'm opposed to doing the same thing on Self Help Radio.  I don't repeat themes unless they're holiday-related (including my anniversary) & even then I try to make them "new," whether playing Christmas music I've never played before on my Christmas show or coming up with a new Halloween-related theme on my Halloween show.

Why do I do this?  I guess I've listened to too many lazy themed shows in my life.  At one station I deejayed at, there was a blues program that played Elvis all December long.  His Christmas music.  He's not even a blues performer.  A whole month of programming just thrown out the window because, for some reason, the programmer believed the same Elvis songs they played every year should be played around Christmas.

Perhaps I am rebelling against that sort of radio show.

Except.  This week, I'm sort of doing a rerun.

It's for the annual birthday show I've done around the time of my wife's birthday every year.  In eighteen years of Self Help Radio, I've programmed fifteen years of birthday music for her.  That's a lot of birthday songs.  & I have to confess: there are plenty more.  There are as many birthday songs as there are Christmas songs.  Or at least almost as many.

One thing I used to say is that, however, the majority of those songs (like the majority of Christmas songs) aren't very good.  I don't think that's true.  I simply don't like the majority of those birthday songs.  You might.  Saying something is good or bad is a subjective opinion stated as fact & I find that boorish & limiting.

In any event: not this year.  I am sort of creating a rerun this year.  To be sure, I'll be in the studio at Freeform running the board & doing the airbreaks.  But I will choose from a selection of birthday songs from the past fifteen shows & replaying some of my favorite fake interviews from the last few years.

But why?  Why now?  I'll tell you tomorrow.

Pandaemonium

If you'd like to hear the sub show I did last night - which was of a heavy metal show, but I am not a heavy metal guy - so I play lots of noisy indie rock & some of what they used to call "post-hardcore" - but not a lot of punk - you can listen to it at the KBOO Pandeamonium page.

KBOO archives all their shows, which is super cool.  It's three hours long, & feels like it.  Around 2:56am, I wondered where the next deejay was, & she just magically showed up - apparently she was sleeping in the little room in the back where people can dub CDs from the music library.

So lucky I wasn't deejaying in the nude like I usually do.

Self Help Radio 111819: Number One Radio Show

(foam finger from here)

Imagine if anyone actually listened to Self Help Radio & they thought I was really calling the show the "number one radio show"?  I'd catch such shit.  Luckily we live & breathe in obscurity.

They'd be wrong, of course, to think the show was billing itself as the "number one radio show."  It's mainly about being "number one."  Whether being a number one something (fan, son, etc.) or being someone's "number one," it was the idea of a ranked position & not the number itself.  So that imaginary person I invented who bristles at the idea of anyone thinking Self Help Radio is the "number one radio show" can go take a limping leap at the moon.

Still, this might be the number one radio show to examine the idea of "number one."  Let's just say that it is until such time as evidence exists to suggest otherwise.

The show is safely sitting at Self Help Radio dot net when you want to listen.  The number one thing to remember about listening is that you need a username - SHR - & a password - selfhelp - to do so.  What happens on the show is below, songs & interviews.

We're (almost certainly not) number one! We're (almost certainly not) number one!

Self Help Radio Number One Show

"Number One" Etta James _R & B Dynamite_
"Number One" The Exciters _The Golden Torch Revisited_
"Number One" The Sad Sack Set _ Die Frankfurt Szene - Smash ...! Boom ...! Bang ...!_

introduction & definitions

"Number One" Bill Moss _Eccentric Soul: The Capsoul Label_
"Number One" Kris Kristofferson & Rita Coolidge _Natural Act_
"Number One" The Groove Farm _Plug (The Story Of Pop So Far)_
"Number One" Autumn Teen Sound _Seven Summers (International Pop, Vol. 2)_
"Number One" Colleen Green _Sock It To Me_

interview with Rupert Gleam
Ned Dry interrupts

"Being Number One" Black Box Recorder _Passionoia_
"Number Ones" The Push Kings _The Push Kings_
"Cretinous Number Ones" Guided By Voices _How Do You Spell Heaven?_
"I Take It You Are Prepared To Meet Number 1?" The Prisoner _The Prisoner [File #3] (Original Television Soundtrack)_
"The No. 1 Song In Heaven" Sparks _No. 1 In Heaven_

interview with writer/producer of # 1 pop songs Rupert Gleam

"Lonesome Number One" Roy Orbison _Roy Orbison Sings Don Gibson_
"Hello Number One" Kitty Wells & Red Foley _Together Again_
"Number One Son" Camera Obscura _Underachievers Please Try Harder_
"# 1 Must Have" Sleater-Kinney _All Hands On The Bad One_
"Number One Fantastic Day" Helen Love _Radio Hits 3_

interview with seeking of #1 world records Lollop Chumsy

"Number One Fool" The Fabulous Emotions _Northern Soul Fever 3_
"Number One In Your Heart" The Monitors _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 6: 1966_
"Number One Attraction" The Younghearts _All About Love_
"I'm Still # 1 (Numero Uno Re-Recording)" Boogie Down Productions _Jack Of Spades_

a list of seven United States number ones

"My Number One" Gregory Isaacs _The Story Of Jamaican Music (Tougher Than Tough)_
"Number One Station" Dennis Alcapone _High Explosion (DJ Sounds From 1970 To 1976)_
"Number One Fan" Homer & Jethro _Any News From Nashville?_
"Koi No Ban Ban (Number One Edition Of Love)" Linda Yamamoto _Nippon Girls (Japanese Pop, Beat, & Bossa Nova 1966-1970)_
"Number 1 Boy" Astro Babys _Sweet Hot Drive_

conclusion & goodbye

"Tighten Up (Japanese Gentlemen Stand Up Please)" Yellow Magic Orchestra _Kyoretsu Na Rhythm_
"Straight To... Number One (Dreamcatcher's Mix)" Touch & Go _Queer As Folk_
"Girl Number One" Tim Yen Yen _Everything Beautiful Reminds Me Of You_

Whither Number One Radio Show?

(I honestly could have made this myself but I am lazy so I took the above image from this website.)

Let me clear up a misconception.  This week's Self Help Radio is not proclaiming itself to be the "number one radio show."  If there were indeed rankings of radio programs - & I think there might be - Self Help Radio wouldn't even make the list.  No, this week's show is exploring the idea of being "number one."

Maybe you think it's just about the number one.  No, it's about the idea of being "number one."  If it were about the number one, the show would just have the theme "one."

What does it mean, being "number one"?  According to the Urban Dictionary, "number one" can mean:

1) Yourself.  Gotsta look after number one

2) The best, greatest of all time.  He was number one after he won

3) The shortest haircut a guy (or gal) can get.  Check out that bogan with a number one!

4) When you pee/piss/urinate.  Hey I'll be right back. I've got to go take a number one!

For our purposes, I think the show will cover definition number 2.

Do you understand now?  Listen tomorrow morning from 6-8 am on Freeform Portland & you'll understand.  Or maybe not.  There are no promises being made.

Preface To Number One Radio Show: What Is Sleep Anyway?

Do you get a good night's sleep?  Like, maybe six or seven or eight hours of sleep a night?  Really?  What's that like?

If you can indulge me, I'd like to describe an average couple of days - Sunday through Tuesday, so three days - for me.  By the way, there are many ways these days could be organized differently, but that would require foresight by yours truly, & that's not happening.

I wake after a probably drunken sleep Sunday morning.  Hey!  It was Saturday night!

I spend most of the day (there are dogwalks & hopefully a nap & I have to make dinner as well) working on Self Help Radio.  If you don't listen to the show - & maybe if you do - you're not aware of the work I put into the silly interviews, the selection of songs, the somewhat-amusing interstitial pieces.  It takes a while.  I haven't come up with a good system for all this.  I wish I could.  I have tried lots of things.  None seems more streamlined than another.

Usually I get to bed around ten or maybe eleven pm on Sunday nights.  This hurts a little, because it has meant, since I got my Freeform show, I miss John Oliver.  I can see him on Monday but for some reason I like to see things live or mostly live.  Anyway.  We make sacrifices.

What happens is I sleep a fitful few hours.  I wake at 4am, I shower, I gather my things, I head out to Freeform, which is north of here, & about fifteen to twenty minutes away, at 5am.  I stop to get a soda at a 7-11, I like to have a little caffeine, but I am there twenty or so minutes early.  It's who I am.  Don't judge me.

The show happens.  I hope it goes well.  The show that follows mine is awesome & I chat with the deejay.  I drive home, it's 8am, I avoid the highway.  I get home around 8:30.  If the wife is home, we walk the dogs.  Mostly she walks the dogs while I am on the radio.

Around 9:30 I feed my animals.  At some point I have lunch.  It's a haze around that time.  Did I lunch or feed the animals?  Have they eaten me?  I fed them, then.

For two hours - after lunch - I sleep.  It's not always noon to two, but it's around then.  It's not entirely restful or pleasant but it's necessary.  I sometimes oversleep.  I sometimes don't.  What do you want from me?

When I wake, I need to work on my show from XRAY.  Before that, though, I edit my Self Help Radio episode for the website, & write on this here blog, &etc.  I have a rough recording that I have to edit.  I don't change anything about the airbreaks - how could I?  You hear the show as it happened.

The XRAY show gets my attention.  Then, at some point, it's evening, the wife is home, I make dinner, there's the requisite dogwalk.

Sometimes I have the XRAY show done around the time I feed the kids, 9:30 or so.  Sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I can nap from ten to midnight.  Sometimes I don't.

Around 1am, I gather stuff & head out to XRAY (which is across the street from Freeform), & I program the show Sugar Substitute.  I am done at 4am, I head home.

Mostly I get maybe two or three hours sleep before I am awakened for the morning dogwalk.  Some Tuesdays I don't get to go back to sleep until the evening, some Tuesdays I nap after lunch.  But mostly I operate on very little sleep.

Is this sustainable?  Next week I am subbing a show on KBOO on Wednesday night/Thursday morning from midnight to 3am.  When am I supposed to sleep?  What is a good night's sleep, anyway?  As I have grown older, my dreams have gotten more vivid, memorable, & confusing.  I think I enter REM sleep right after I conk out.

Is it because for three or four days of the week, my sleep is erratic & limited?  I wish I knew.

When Will I Ever Learn?

People often say, "When will I ever learn?" after they have done something stupid, specifically something stupid they've done before.  Like buying a car from a family member.

"I bought this 1995 Dodge Dart from my brother Wayne for what I thought was a sweet deal - four hundred bucks!  Now I realize it's because the engine is made of dark chocolate.  Oh when will I ever learn?"

Sometimes, when staring at a screen or an empty page or the sky, a phrase will pop into my head.  If I am in front of a computer screen, I can sometimes type it into a text program or a search engine; if I have a pen or pencil, I can scribble it done; if I am staring into the sky, I can imagine it as if written by precocious birds showing off a little because they can.  & I will say to myself, "Why did I think of that?"

& so a few minutes ago, in regards to nothing, my brain said this to me: "When will I ever learn?"  It was followed by a brief memory of the frontage road that goes from Alta Mere Drive to I-30 in Fort Worth (going east).  That's how I often got onto I-30 on the way to Dallas.  I must've driven that way hundreds of times, so it's natural that occasionally I remember that route, although why I remembered it randomly while thinking of the phrase "When will I ever learn?" is a mystery.

It strikes me that, idioms aside, I really don't know when or if I'll ever learn why some phrases trigger seemingly random visual memories.  That happens more than I care to admit.  & right now I don't care to admit that.

Speaking of "care to admit," check out this lovely exchange, from here:

What is the meaning of care to admit in the context below?
I go to the bathroom, too. Sometimes more frequently than I care to admit.
Why do people use this "than I care to admit" in what situations?

When you're saying something that you don't usually tell anyone, or say in public because you might be embarrassed about it, shy or simply just don't want to tell.

Mostly used in a non-serious way, although there may be exceptions:

I love her more than I care to admit. (basically would mean: I love her more than I really want to tell anyone/her)

I cry whenever I see a sad movie, more than I care to admit. (basically would mean:I cry whenever I see a sad movie more than I want to tell anyone/Let anyone know)

He eats more than he cares to admit (basically would mean: He eats more than he wants to tell anyone)

When Does A Thursday Not Feel Like A Thursday?

When it's Thursday.

Alas, I am too old to submit this wonderful riddle I just made up on my very own to one of my favorite Twitter accounts, Kids Write Jokes.  Here's a recent joke that's amazing:

Why did the banana flush himself down the toilet?

Because he was peeled

This is something I've noticed: people make these accounts & a select few get book deals.  I bet the kids don't see any of that cash, do they?  It's the curators in this society that are making the big literary bucks these days.

Anyway, I am busy writing jokes that people will think kids wrote, & that's a Thursday for me, more a less.

When is it a Friday for me?

When I haven't gone home yet.

Hm.  Better stick to curating.

Self Help Radio 111119: Weird

There's an interesting story about that image up there.  The original (without the SHR logo) was taken by me when we visited Portland in November of 2017.  We had no idea we'd be living here two years later.  The original is a bunch of signs to pointing to hotels & fast food joints, under which (as you can see) someone just posted a sign that said "weird."  I have no idea what the story behind it is.

Portland has the capacity for great weirdness, & that's one of its many charms.  By contrast, the Dallas area has pockets of weirdness but the overwhelming money-grubbing desperation & money-celebrating inebriation of the metroplex makes weirdness a precious commodity.  There never was a "Keep Dallas Weird" campaign as far as I could tell, because Dallas was never really weird.  (I'd guess however there were many "Keep [insert area of Dallas] Weird" campaigns.)

We talk about Portland's weirdness & we celebrate it & we ask for you to support the experiment in free expression that is Freeform Portland on this week's Fall Fundraiser show.  Your support is greatly appreciated!  & I thank Jaxxmaster Kevrock for helping me out today.

Please excuse the long airbreaks - there are super tunes here in-between.  Listen now at Self Help Radio's website & remember the username (SHR) & password (selfhelp).  It's one long two-hour mp3 & what songs I play are below.

Did I thank you for your support?  Give what you can to help out our amazing little station!

Back to the regular weirdness next week.

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Self Help Radio Weird Show

"Weird" The Wee Four _She'll Hurt You In The End (Teener Garage Explosion Volume 2!)_
"Weird" Kicking Giant _Halo_
"I'm Weird" Guana Batz _Loan Sharks_

"Whole Weird World" The Chills _Kaleidoscope World_
"Worlds Gone Weird" Crystal Stilts _Nature Noir_
"Weird On Me" Lloyd Cole _She's A Girl & I'm A Man_

"Weirdo" New Order _Brotherhood_
"Weirdo" The Charlatans _Between 10th & 11th_
"Weirdo (At 25,000 Miles Per Hour)" The Dentists _Deep Six_

"You Make Me Feel Like A Weirdo" Pataphysics _Take A Look Out Your Window_
"All The Weird Kids Know" Built By Snow _Mega_
"Totally Wired" The Fall _Totally Wired: The Rough Trade Anthology_

"Weird Diseases" The Magnetic Fields _50 Song Memoir_
"Weird Heart" The Lovely Eggs _Have You Ever Heard The Lovely Eggs?_
"Weird Son" Cloud Nothings _Leave You Forever EP_

"Some Weird Sin" Iggy Pop _Lust For Life_
"Is She Weird" Pixies _Bossanova_
"Extremely Weird Snakes" The Snow Queen _The Patio Collection Volume Two_

"I Like You Weird" Love Love _Love Love_
"Weirdoz Everywhere" The Prefab Messiahs _Keep Your Stupid Dreams Alive_
"Weird With You" Ex Cops _Daggers_

"Wonder" Colin Meloy _Colin Meloy Sings Live!_
"It's So Weird" Juliana Hatfield _Weird_

Whither Weird?

(Just a shirt.  From here.)

What does it say on the Self Help Radio web site?  "A Weird Show."  I guess it's better than "weirdness."  & it can't be The Weirdo Show, as that was a great radio show that aired on KVRX in the 1990s, & there's no way I can compete with that.  So I guess "weird" covers it?

The show was conceived by me knowing it would be during the Fall Fundraiser, & I wanted to be weird because sometimes my favorite stuff on Freeform is a bit weird.  I thought I could weird it up.  You know?

Be weird with me, listen tomorrow from 6-8am on Freeform Portland.  & think about helping out, please.  We need your help to meet our goal & continue being as weird as possible for you every night & day.

This wasn't terribly weird & I hope to make up for it tomorrow.