Preface To A Personal Show: Remember Being Fearful

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& now for the main event:

Remember being fearful?  It's a trip down "Memory Lane"* with me, Gary, the host of Self Help Radio.  This is a story about being too personal, on the radio, right out of the gate, & fearing afterwards that you'd somehow revealed too much...  Like people's names you shouldn't have said.  Or maybe details about your life.  Or maybe your phone number...  Did you actually give out your phone number on the air?

We'll be back to this stressful situation after this Public Service Announcement:

Eeww.  Is it the proper reaction to most situations?  Almost certainly.  Next time, remember: Eeww.

When we last left our hero (me, Gary**), he was fretting about possibly revealing too much personal information about his life on the air.  It seemed to flow naturally, he was trying to be funny, how could anyone make such stuff up?  Riding his bike home, he wondered: Would anyone call?  Or find out where he lived?  Jeez, hadn't he seen Play Misty For Me?

But, like most worrying, it was all for naught!  No one cared.  No one, most likely, was listening.

& the next time he (I) blurted out more personal information, he was beside himself with concern.  It became something like a ritual.  What if I said something too personal?  What if I made someone mad?  What if I betrayed a trust?  Why do I keep doing that?

& on & on, even now to the present day!  & no one cared.  No one took advantage of personal information the radio host might have said or shared on the air.  No one was listening.  Or if they were listening, they simply didn't care.

We'll be back after these footnotes:

* Not an actual thoroughfare.
** This is confusing, sorry.

Track Changes

These are some things I'm not doing during this pandemic:

Thinking about the future.  No, my wife does that.  Sometimes way into the future.  Jobs have been lost, houses have been foreclosed upon, I suppose I might be arrested.  That's her, not me.  Mainly I am thinking about what radio show I need to do next.  Which leads me to something else I'm not doing this pandemic:

Getting radio shows done on time.  This is my classic procrastinator's pattern.   I have a little bit of time to plan, & instead I read stuff online that depresses or enrages me, I eat, or I nap.  I nap a lot.  Like, probably an unhealthy amount.  I actually think I nap for that moment when I wake when I have no idea what time it is, where I am, & what the hell I have been doing.  That used to be frightening, now it's a comfort.

Which reminds me, something else I'm doing during this pandemic is:

Getting anything done.  Sure, I have made some radio shows, but there are a million things I wish I could do - from finishing books I've started reading to simply getting ahead of the curve for other projects - that I am not taking the time to do.  Yes, I have a good deal of anxiety & yes, I am often a bit depressed, but I have to admit that that's par for the course of my life.  What is keeping me from doing this?  I am not drinking more than usual.  I am not doing other drugs or otherwise occupying my time in that way (although I do nap a lot).  So what is it?  Laziness.  Pure & simple.

It's been so beautiful & warm around here lately so I wish I could tell you I've been spending time outside, but nope!  I do walk the dogs twice a day, & am stunned by folks who require you to cross the street out of some weird privilege - dude, we have three dogs & one of them is a senior citizen who's old & slow, but sure, I'll move so you & your fucking husky can breeze past us - but that's not nearly as much time as the wife, who also has to work, has spent in our garden.  Does sitting outside in the backyard on the porch playing games on the phone count?  No.  No, it doesn't.

Yes, I am eating a bit more.  I am going to eat something now, in fact, while reading things that will raise my blood pressure online.  I actually just saw something I thought was thoughtful & wanted to see what the reaction online was - & of course it was bugfuck crazy.  We need to defend our "side" over anything - & luckily there are obfuscation tools available at the ready once you've committed.  I feel awful for anyone who might have questions, or doubts, or reservations - surely you, like me, will be destroyed first.

Oh yeah, I mentioned I would eat something now.  That's what I'll do, then.

May 7, 2019

It may seem a little cheap to return to something I wrote barely a year ago, but today is a momentous day for me & my family.  A year ago today we left a beautiful home & truly great neighbors to begin what would be an exhausting four-day trek across the United States to come live in Portland.  I'm glad I wrote these travelogues every night in the hotel rooms.  To this day I can't believe we actually did it.  Here's what I wrote a year ago in a hotel room in - well, it's what the post was called:

Santa Rosa, New Mexico

We made it.  516 miles.  Three dogs & me in a tiny Prius.  Three cats & the wife in a rented minivan. (A Chrysler Pacifica if you really want to know.)  The wife was happy because it had Sirius radio, & she loves the First Wave channel.  I am exhausted.

Last night I couldn't get to sleep, which is par for the course.  I get anxious before trips - my first trip by car to this part of the world, I spent the night until I collapsed from exhaustion around 3am thumbing through a Mapsco deciding the best route.  (This was in 1995, in the days before GPS.)  Then, as this morning, I woke at six.  It's 9pm New Mexico time, & I am running on fumes.  Which is great!  I'll sleep like the dead tonight.

We planned to leave at eight but it took a little longer to get the house cleaned & our shit packed - kudos to the wife for putting four & half times as much as realistically possible into the minivan - & so far the only thing we left behind was Magda's lunch.

It was sad to let the house go.  It's a lovely place, & I know even though they really can't miss it, the dogs (especially Pauline) are going to miss the beautiful yard.  I think my anxiousness about last night was equal parts going from the house & going to Portland.  The wife put so much work & so much of herself into the house & it was the most comfortable place I've ever lived.  Even after all our belongings were taken away on Thursday, I would find myself going to this room or that as I had been doing for two or more years, out of habit, surprised that my stuff wasn't there anymore.

But I love moving, I love going to new cities, I am very excited about getting to know Portland.  It's not that I have wanderlust per se, I just wish I could relocate every two or three years & spend time in a new place.

The dogs - who doubtless thought we were just going to the park - were easily cajoled into the car.  The cats, however, were freaked out - we put them in an empty room while we packed up & it unnerved Bolan, who was quite frantic.  Bronte & Boone hid in an empty closet, & they were easily grabbed & put into carriers.  Bronte & Bolan shared a large one, Boone had to be by himself in a regular-sized one.  The wife tells me that Bolan complained occasionally throughout the drive, & when we stopped & I checked on them, Bolan was meowing to get out while Boone & Bronte stayed in the back of the carriers.  I wish I could have trained them to be walked like dogs!

We hit the road after 9, I got to hear a bit of my friends Pippin & Carole begging for money on the show I used to do, the Tuesday Morning Blend.  They were much, much better at it than I was, & I was glad they were doing it & not me.  The route began on I-30 till it became I-20 & wound its way through Weatherford, past Mineral Wells, through Abilene, & made a right onto 84 at Sweetwater.  Thanks to the magic of cell phones, the wife & I talked a great deal of the drive, although I did listen to some new records, & a collection of Momus tunes I made so I could sing along.  I didn't listen to any podcasts or books on tape, though I brought those, too - I just really love to listen to music when I drive.

We made a promise to stop every hour or so, for everyone but the cats to go pee, & we pretty much kept the schedule.  We stopped outside Abilene to eat lunch - we brought a lot of food, since we ate out with friends pretty much the entire last week we were in Fort Worth (though, as I've said, the lunch Magda prepared for herself last night was left, we later realized, by our unused fireplace).  While I was eating my sandwich, I met a fellow at a gas station who had a pro-beagle bumper sticker & I also met his beautiful sixteen-year-old beagle named Buster.  The guy was so obviously pro-beagle that Winston, who is famously stingy with his love, gave him a lick when the fellow put his face close to Winston's.

The route took us around, & not through, Lubbock - which seems to have more wind turbines than oil derricks these days, hooray! but the same amount of stockyards, so boo!  - & we had to improvise to find a gas station, which we did, in a town called Littlefield, at a service station on Waylon Jennings Road.  Would you believe I was listening to Townes Van Zandt when we drove up?  I was, but you don't have to believe it.  It began to rain as we left, & the very gregarious cashier told us bad weather was coming.  How did she know? I asked.  She said, "I don't watch TV!  It's just what people tell me!"

She's very good, it turns out.  We later discovered we just missed a storm which included a tornado watch.  We had escaped over the border to New Mexico by then.

The highway was smaller, & we had to drop from 75 mph to 35 mph in a matter of fractions of a mile from time-to-time.  That happens in Texas, too, of course, & also there are generally cops there to give tickets to the unwary.  About an hour from Santa Rosa - in a town called Fort Sumner - we met a young woman who was moving from Washington State - the wife noticed her license plates - to Austin (we asked).  We talked about the Austin that we knew & she admitted that she was moving reluctantly - her husband recently got a job there.  Magda thought I might sympathize but nope!  There isn't a lot of reluctance with this move.

Highway 84 took us to Santa Rosa & I noticed we were in a new time zone.  It is earlier than it once was.  We sneaked the cats into the hotel room - luckily our room was near the back door - hey, we paid extra for three dogs! - & they were pretty unhappy.  It's been a few hours & they've finally come out to eat. They still don't know what to make about the noise in the hallway, but I think they'll be fine - although I am not entirely sure they won't hide when it's time to go.

The hotel is on what used to be Route 66, so we walked the dogs a mile or so down the road & back & I took a lot of pictures of cool signs & abandoned places, two of my favorite things.  I'll post the ones I like best at some point - to my personal Facebook page & to the show's Tumblr blog - but knowing how long it takes me to get through my pictures, I'll be settling into regular life in Portland by the time they make their appearances.  Hey!  I take a lot of dumb pictures!  I go through them chronologically!  They remind me how much I forget things!

For dinner, we ate leftover enchiladas I made in Lexington*.  There are not a lot of vegan choices in Santa Rosa.  Let me rephrase that.  There are hardly any vegan choices in Santa Rosa.  Might I try again.  I would be surprised if there were vegan choices in Santa Rosa.  The enchiladas were good.  If I don't say so myself.  Though I just did.

It's earlier than I feel, but I am exhausted.  The wife has already fallen asleep.  I had last driven in this part of the world maybe twenty-five years ago, & for some reason back then I usually drove around here at night.  But the desert is lovely in its way & I've missed it.  Like Jonathan Richman says, "When I'm in the desert, I wanna see the desert some more."

Luckily we're driving up into Utah tomorrow!

*  (I wrote this sentence at the end of a very long day; of course I meant Fort Worth)

Self Help Radio 050420: Maps

(Never the treasure on the map.  Original image here.)

If you used a map to find this week's Self Help Radio, good for you!  The show is in fact about maps. I am unaware of any actual maps made for the show - it's where all the shows turn up, at Self Help Radio dot net - but there are so many maps out there, I suspect it would be easy to repurpose, let's say, the #9 downtown to find your way to a radio show.  Hey.  It's not fun to get lost!

& you won't get lost.  There are plenty of maps on today's show.  There's even a GPS!  & handy tips on making your own map!  It's a mapstravaganza!  A mappapalooza!  A maptastic mapselebration!  Sorry.  I always take these things too far.

Visit the Self Help Radio website to listen to the show.  You should know by now there's a username - SHR - & a password - selfhelp - which you need to enter but you won't have to do it more than once a visit.  & of course all the songs & what happens on the show is noted below.

You're safe!  You have a map now!

Self Help Radio Maps Show
"Maps" Yeah Yeah Yeahs _Fever To Tell_
"Maps" The Front Bottoms _The Front Bottoms_
"Map" Call & Response _Call & Response_

introduction & definitions (with the Definition-O-Tron 3000!)

"Map Of The World" Comsat Angels _Waiting For A Miracle_
"Maps For Lost Lovers" The Rosie Taylor Project _This City Draws Maps_
"Case Study: Maggie The GPS" Superego _Superego Season 2, Episode 7_
"The Map To Your Good Graces" Ad Frank _Mr. Fancypants_
"A Map Below" The Blue Aeroplanes _Detective Song_

interview with educational software Mappy The Map Maker

"Guess How Much I Love You" The Lucksmiths _A Good Kind Of Nervous_
"Maps & Legends" R.E.M. _Fables Of The Reconstruction_
"Moon Map" Jonathan Winters _Another Day, Another World_
"Map Ref. 41°N 93°W" Wire _154_
"Map Of The World" The Corn Dollies _The Corn Dollies_

interview with cartographer & psychologist Dr. Mortimer Davis

"Midnight Maps" Shriekback _Jam Science_
"Map Your Eyes" Bernthøler _Merry Lines In The Sky_
"Map Of The World" The Smothers Brothers _The Two Sides Of The Smothers Brothers_
"El Mapa" Family _Un Soplo En El Corazón_
"An Animated Description Of Mr. Maps" The Books _Lost & Safe_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"Hey, Map My Way" Cutaways _Earth & Earthly Things_
"I'm Using My Bible For A Road Map" Porter Wagoner & The Blackwood Brothers Quartet _The Grand Old Gospel_
"Lewton Cole, The Doc, The Map, & The Gunfight" Roger Miller _Waterhole # 3_
"Off The Map" Guy Clark _The Dark_
"Dot On The Map" Volcano Suns _All-Night Lotus Party_

conclusion & goodbye

"New Map" M83 _Hurry Up, We're Dreaming_
"Maps For Sleep" Half String _Eclipse * Oval * Hue_
"Map" The Ex _Disturbing Domestic Peace_

Whither Maps?

(Could this be the oldest map in the world? It's a map on a mammoth's tusk.  It's from around 25,000 BCE.  Read more at this link.)

Oh wow, do you see that picture up there?  It's a map from maybe 27,000 years ago.  It's an amount of time that's hard to wrap one's head around (although this quarantine has made it somewhat more understandable).  Smart people who study these things aren't entirely sure what it's a map of - it could be a map of the area where it was found, in the current Czech Republic.  Or it could have been a hunting map.  It's just fascinating to think, human beings were making maps way back when.  & I still can't tell someone exactly where the nearest dispensary is.

You might be wondering about my own fascination with maps.  I will tell you two stories about my youth - one which I am certain I've mentioned here before, another that I haven't.  I had this notion, because as a child I loved to look at maps, that every city was surrounded by railroad tracks.  That's how you knew you were leaving one city & entering another.  I hadn't thought about it before, but I suspect I might have thought that because of the broken line borders that designated boundaries, which perhaps I interpreted as railroads.  Anyway, my family members disabused me of that notion by calling me an idiot when I spoke the idea out loud.

This did not deter me from thinking I might be helpful & come up with a kind of map.  As I sat in the back seat while someone else (probably one of my brothers) was driving, I took to carrying a notepad & pencil & I attempted to scribble down the street names as we passed.  In a sense I meant to make a kind of "word map" that would help someone - if you memorized, for example, "Medina, Prescott, Ridgedale," you'd be able to know where a street was off another street (in this case, Fifth Street) if you needed a sense of where something was located.

Also I really just wanted a list of every street name.  That fascinated me.  I don't always know when my projects as a child began & ended, but I know when this one was quashed: when I saw my first map of Garland.  There, on the right hand side, was a list, in alphabetical order, of all the streets in the town.  I don't know if that's what I wanted all along, but I remember having a feeling that someone has somehow beaten me to the punch.  & I lost interest in that kind of cartography.

Until tomorrow, of course.  An entire show about maps!  But.  I can't say when tomorrow - I am still operating on what I'm calling quarantime - but some time tomorrow I hope there'll be a Self Help Radio episode about maps.  You can find it at the Self Help Radio website, but I'll announce it here & the other usual places.

You won't need to follow a map to find it.  Although if I planned better, that would've been fun.

Preface To Maps: Maps On Tumblr/New Uploads

You don't mind if I use today's blog for two things, do you?

Here's number one:

There's a blog I like a lot on Tumblr, which is called quite handily Maps On The Web.  It's where the above image comes from, & where you can go to find out what exactly that map is supposed to represent.  Or, you know, I could just tell you.  It's "US States whose names' letters perfectly alternate between consonants & vowels."  If that's something you enjoy, I recommend you visit.

Here's number two:

I have uploaded three recent KBOO shows to the Self Help Radio website.  You can simply go to selfhelpadio.net to find them, or you can click the following direct links, remembering that you'll need to enter a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) to listen, at least the first time.  The shows are:

A three-hour general format show that aired April 18.

The Dickenbock Report from April 21 (it's Episode Ten).

A two & a half general format show that aired April 23.

The Dickenbock Report episode was assembled in haste & has two glaring errors which I got to experience while live tweeting & couldn't do a thing about it.  One is that I played a song twice.  I don't know how that got by me.  The other is that I didn't play a song, but still back-announced it.  I'm sure it had something to do with both exhaustion as well as handling dozens of sound files.  But even though no one would have noticed if I hadn't said something, I am still mortified by it.

That's all!  Please enjoy!

Quarantimes

Once upon a time I was talking to an old acquaintance, someone with whom I hadn't spoken in decades.  We found each other again on Facebook, like you do.  At some point he marveled about how fast time seemed to have passed since last we talked.  I said something to him that I'd said to him before.  He even said, "You used to always say that."  It was this: I said, "Life is unbearably long."

My mother - with whom I talk weekly - will often tell me, "I don't know how it happened.  I don't know where the time went.  It all went by so fast."

To which I reply, "Really?  Can you not remember those difficult moments in your life when time seemed to come to a standstill?  When you were bored, or worried, or trapped in a shitty job or I don't know a church service?"

Those are things - those times when time seemed to come to a standstill - that dominate my memories.  I remember being so lonesome in my room I thought I might go insane.  I remember being bafflingly awake in tedious college classes that didn't somehow make me sleepy.  I remember waiting in lines, waiting for buses, waiting for food when very hungry, waiting for a band to fucking get onstage because I was tired of standing up.  I remember still-painful moments of loneliness when I had no friend to reach out to, no one to call, nowhere to go, nothing to watch or listen to or see.  The truth is, they seem like the vast majority of time I've lived on this planet.

When I'm dying, I'll not stand bewildered at where the time went.  I'll be able to envision it like a graph in a textbook, a map of geologic time.

It's true, as I've gotten older, it's become harder for me to get stuff done - tonight I timed myself cutting potatoes to make french fries & was astonished it took three times as long as I thought it would.  & never mind how long it's taking me to do my dumb prerecorded radio shows!  I suspect I have more responsibilities than when I was thirty-five years younger - certainly seventeen-year-old Gary might be bored on a Friday night with nothing on television, no friends to hang out with, & nothing new to read.  I'm hardly ever bored at all in my old age.  But I can't say time moves faster.  & I can't say that life feels any less long.

Maybe this perspective has helped me psychologically during this pandemic.  I do miss many things - I often think about the last time I went out to dinner, the last time I saw a show, the last time I saw a movie - but mostly I miss going to my radio stations.  I've had to listen to myself on the radio so often in the past two months I completely understand why very few people listen to my show.  But I don't feel the way many in the pandemic seem to feel.

My wife, who's much more social than I am, has begun to wonder if she should visit friends.  From a safe distance, of course.  She gets much of her social needs from work, from interacting with co-workers & students.  That's all gone for now.  It's taking its toll.  Me?  I am catching up on my comic book reading.

When I should be doing radio shows.  Damn it!

Anyway, yeah, I still feel life is unbearably long.  & who isn't feeling that right now?

April 30, 2007

In April 2007, this blog wasn't even a year old.  I wasn't even forty years old.  Self Help Radio wasn't even five years old.  I feel like I was a bit more creative then.  For example, this is what I wrote in the blog for that day:

It was entitled "When Pirates Dance!"

As April ends, I want to remember the fourth month I experienced in 2007. It seemed gloomy, rainy & sad, but also weirdly sunny, bright & warm. I may have lost fourteen dollars this month. But I also may have gained a new tooth. As April ends, I am forced to wonder: was I involved with April at all? Or did I simply just mow the lawn a couple of times & then sleep fitfully?

In April, I found out the bees are dying. My own experience with bees has been that, while they appear to be listening, they really retain nothing. After I patiently explained the difference between sugar, high fructose corn syrup & aspertame to a very sweet worker one afternoon, she still wanted to make out with my diet soda. Then she stung me & died, which I found a little too much. My mother used to guilt me like that.

If there's one lesson we should take from April, it's that daylight savings time is taxing. Oh shit, that's like a pun. Ha ha! Or, we can say that tax day saves you everything but daylight. No, that's not true. I know. That the only thing safe from tax day is sunlight. Unless you deal in solar futures. Then, never mind.

I promised last April that I would keep a running tally of the number of times I clipped my nails this April, because I had dreamt that Sid Caesar told me that your fingernails grow twice as long but your toenails twice as slow in April. Or maybe I had dreamt that April Stevens had warned me about the Ides Of March last month, because that's when Caesar died. Or maybe I was just daydreaming while watching HBO's Rome. Did that end this April?

April's not over yet! There's still time to win the lottery, grow a goatee, nail 95 theses to your church's wall, become a vegetarian, design a series of stamps that commemorate McLain Stevenson, bag a thrush, help a friend learn her vocal scales, care for a particularly sickly tree, crawl from the wreckage, reject a telemarketer's advances, get lost in someone's eyes, hit it but don't quit it, & possibly squeeze in a good cry with a friend.

But hurry!

Self Help Radio 042720: Indiepop A To Z # 62

(All images from Discogs - what a resource!)

If you'll recall, I said I'd try to have the show done by noon today.  It will be noon in Honolulu soon.  So naturally I meant noon, Hawaii time.  How weird must it be to live so far away?  I feel like the west coast misses out on all the east coast's craziness as it is!

As you can see if you've skipped ahead, I did not finish the letter O today.  I thought I might - but it wasn't to be.  Too much good stuff!  I think I am a music hoarder - I find it hard to leave some things off the list - although I reject plenty.  Which I will explore in the series I will make after I finish Indiepop A To Z, called Indiepop A To Z: The Rejects.  Just kidding.  I will never finish Indiepop A To Z.

The show is now at the Self Help Radio website.  Remember: username is SHR, password is selfhelp.  The playlist, hopefully in perfect alphabetical order, is below.  My thanks to you for listening.

Self Help Radio Indiepop A To Z # 62
"Happy Little Bumblebee" Of Montreal _The Bedside Drama: A Petite Tragedy_
"Rachel Put Your Arms About Me" The Ogdens _Rachel Put Your Arms About Me_
"Yummy, Yummy, Yummy" Ohio Express _Pleasure From The Buddah Group_

"Boy" Oklahoma Scramble _Throw: The Yoyo Studio Compilation_
"Pretty Girlfriend" Old Hickory _Brain Travels Before The Heart Stops_
"Hide Away (World Trade Remix)" Olivia Tremor Control _Kindercore Fifty_
"Mrs Harrington" On The Waterfront _The Sound Of Leamington Spa, Vol. 5_
"Temporary Tattoo" One Happy Island _Secret Party That The Other Party Doesn't Know About_

"Panda Riot" One Hour _Little Darla Has A Treat For You, Vol. 12_
"Until" One Night Suzan _Don't Let Them Kill Our Taste_
"Mayfly" One Star _Moshi Moshi (Pop International Style)_
"Start Digging My Grave Sugar" One Thousand Violins _Hey Man That's Beautiful_
"Transport" Yuji Oniki _Tvi_

"It Comes Around" Onionhead _The Sound Of Leamington Spa Vol. 3_
"It Doesn't Even Matter" Onward Chariots _Take Me To Somewhere_
"We'll Know When We Get There" Ooberman _Running Girl_
"Empty Box Blues" Opal _Early Recordings_
"Pension Day" Open Book _Pension Day_

"Actors Studio" Oporto _French Blue EP_
"Saturday Looks Bad To Me" Oppenheimer _Oppenheimer_
"Walk & Chew Gum" Optiganally Yours _The Powerpuff Girls: Heroes & Villains_
"Revelation At 3:33 am" Orange Cake Mix _Dream Window_
"Rip It Up" Orange Juice _The Very Best Of Orange Juice_

"You're So Clever" The Orange Peels _So Far_
"So In Love" Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark _Crush_
"Something For The Longing" The Orchids _Who Needs Tomorrow_
"Steven Smith" The Organ _Grab That Gun_
"Growing Old" The Origin _Growing Old_

"A Song For Robert G" Original Sin _A Song For Robert G_
"Chocolate Box" The Originals _Chocolate Box_
"Furthest Point Away" Orlando _Passive Soul_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 62

(Apparently this links to a "quick intro to twee."  I just googled the word "twee."  It took me this place.)

Yes, yes, we're continuing the Indiepop A To Z despite the quarantine, & possibly the lack of interest, & all the other radio stuff I'm doing.  & we're at the letter O, which is neat.  It stands for Oregon, you know.  I don't know if we'll finish the letter O, though.  I am still gathering songs.  We'll probably get to the "orange" bands, though: Orange Juice, Orange Peels, Orange Cake Mix.  So maybe not.  Hey, I'm going to include some decidedly not-indiepop bands this time around.  Like who?  Like OMD, duh.  Like you care.  You stopped reading before you actually made it to this blog.  That takes skill.

Big fat bees are bumping on my window.  Spring in Portland is lovely, & eerie too - we went for a bike ride today & there were very few people driving.  Lots of folks in their gardens, though.  Which may be why the big fat bee wants to come in.  Those people are intense!

The show will happen some time tomorrow - I'm aiming for noon but I also want to sleep in & the wife is going to make me walk the dogs early so I won't be able to sleep in but I will be walking the dogs & not working on the show - at the Self Help Radio website like always.  I might have time to add the others shows I do, too - the most recent Dickenbock Report, for example.  But I shouldn't overwhelm you.

Gotta go - turns out the big fat bee wants me to come outside & play.  I'll get my mask!

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 62: Information Please

After a day spent working on this week's Self Help Radio & also editing some audio files for Freeform (not to mention watching "Extraction" starring Thor who weirdly didn't use his godlike powers at all during the film), I just looked at a news site & it was like drinking a giant cup of sadness right before bedtime.

So I went to re-watch last Sunday's Last Week Tonight, which I embed below:



There's real genius in that show - something you don't get in general, let along with comedic news programs.  I used to think that The Daily Show with Jon Stewart was the best thing possible, but damn, has John Oliver lapped that program & then some.

Both John Oliver & Sam Bee has found their voice again without an audience, something that has eluded Bill Maher, who continues to do his monologue to laugh tracks.  Which is fine, I suppose - he can't berate them for not laughing at his jokes because he believes the audience is too sensitive.  I admire his confidence that he won't accept they just might not be funny.

But he still occasionally makes an amazing point, & this week he was as brave & truthful as he imagines himself to be when he's making jokes about sexless marriages or the trouble with vaccines:



He's absolutely right in this piece.  I have nothing to add, only that it was undercut somewhat by an embarrassing interview with Jay Leno right before it, with Leno rattling off unfunny topical "jokes" & Maher laughing appreciatively like Ed McMahon.  Excruciating.

Anyway, good night!  939,000 cases in the United States!  Over 53,000 dead!  Good night!

Long Day's Drive Into Otherwise

Two things:

One, I asked Twitter if I should continue growing my stupid quarantine beard - I haven't trimmed it in about two months - & the poll so far - it's just been five votes, but - suggests I keep growing it.  My wife can only vote once, so I know it's not just her.  (I'm totally going to trim it this weekend.)

Two, I keep working on radio shows but have been repurposing old Self Help Radio episodes - like I did last month at KBOO - into one-hour segments.  Is that something I should share on my web page?  Of course I am looking for & adding new songs to the mix, but my airbreaks are perfunctory & not at all fun or funny.  (As if they ever are.)  (But at least I try to make them so.) (Not in these short remakes.)  I ask again: should I share these on the web page?

That's all.  Working on the next indiepop a to z episode as we speak.  Hope it's fun.  Hope that in the near future Freeform is able to air programs when they are scheduled to be aired - like KBOO does with the Dickenbock Report - & so I have a more regular schedule.

I said, that's all!  Sheesh.  I'm not important!  I don't have to write things that matter on this dumb blog!  Damn you!  Damn you all to hell!

So Tired

Is it weird to be exhausted during a pandemic?  I can't speak to those who have actual jobs; that is one thing I don't have.  My wife, who teaches at a medical school, conducts lectures in one of our rooms & it's charming to listen to her - I've never actually seen her teach.  In fact:

There was a time, when she was teaches a huge class of nurses at the University of Kentucky that I thought about crashing one of her classes - she had like 250 students - & if there were ever a moment where she asked for questions, I'd raise my hands & say, "Professor - do you date your students?"

Today she showed me a slide from her recent (online) lecture which her students shared in some med school forum.  She said, "It's good to become a meme."

Memewhile, I am making radio shows that may or may not be aired.  I am gathering things for upcoming shows.  I am trying to help out at the stations where I volunteer.  & I am so, so tired.

Here's the thing: when I nap, I wake utterly confused.  I don't know where I am, I am not sure what time of day it is, I am even baffled by the same alarm I've been using for years.

It's a metaphor for our times.  But.  I'm still so tired.

Self Help Radio 042020: Thunder

(Isn't this a lovely image of thunder?  No?  That's right!  It's an image of lightning! Because you can't take a picture of thunder! It's a sound! Damn it! Original image here.)

Finally!  The thunder show!  Was it worth the wait?  Absolutely not!

But think of it this way: the farther away the lightning strike, the longer it takes the thunder to reach you.  So imagine this show about thunder originated in a lightning strike two days ago but it was very far away, so the sound of the strike - the thunder - is just arriving now.  Now, knowing the speed of sound - isn't it 770 miles per hour? - & assuming 48 hours (why not?) - that means the lightning struck around 37,000 miles away.  Which is about one & a half times around the world.  That thunder must have stories to tell!

Well - it's got two hours' worth, anyway.  The thunder show is now available at the Self Help Radio website.  Please remember, you'll need a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) to listen.  What happened on the show is below.

Trigger warning: astraphobes may not want to download.  Otherwise, go to town.

Self Help Radio Thunder Show
"It's Thunder" Burnt Friedman & The Nu Dub Players _Just Landed_
"God Of Thunder" M83 _America_
"Thunder" Mekons _Me_

introduction & definitions

"Who's Afraid Of Thunder" Dorothy Collins _Experiment Songs (From Ballads For The Age Of Science)_
"Thunderstorm" Jeffrey Lewis & Los Bolts _Manhattan_
"Blue Thunder" Galaxie 500 _On Fire_
"Voice Like Thunder" The Babies _The Babies_
"Thunder & Lightning" Chi Coltrane _Super Hits Of The '70s: Have A Nice Day, Vol. 9_

interview with clinical psychologist Eustace Teagarden

"Thunder" Wayne County & The Electric Chairs _These People Are Nuts!_
"Thunder" Huon _Knowing We Was Right From Da Start_
"Thunderous Silence" Alan Watts _Out Of Your Mind_
"Hug Of Thunder" Broken Social Scene _Hug Of Thunder_
"Thunderstorm" Pierce Turner _The Compilation_

interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently

"The Ballad Of Thunder Road" Robert Mitchum _That Man_
"Thunder Road" Bruce Springsteen _Born To Run_
"The Thunder, Perfect Mind" Willis Barnstone, Marvin Meyer, & Nancy Lesniewksi _The Gnostic Bible_
"The Thunderclown" Momus & John Henriksson _The Thunderclown_
"Thunderstruck" Antarctica Takes It! _Constellations_

Gary shows how to make thunder at home
Ned Dry interrupts!

"Thunder & Rain" Graham Parker & The Rumour _Stick To Me_
"Thunder In The Sky" The Dirtbombs _Dangerous Magical Noise_
"Thundertunes" Pauline Murray & The Invisible Girls _Pauline Murray & The Invisible Girls_
"Thunder Of Hearts" Buzzcocks _Modern_

conclusion & goodbye

"Thunderstorm Blues" Maggie Jones _Complete Recorded Works In Chronological Order, Vol. 1 (August 1923 To April 1925)_
"Thunderbird" The Casual-Aires _Las Vegas Grind!_
"The Case Of The Thundering Dunderhead" Thee Headcoats _Beach Bums Must Die_

Whither Thunder?

(There is no thunder without lightning.  Here, lightning photobombs a picture of thunder.  Image from here.)

Hey!  I know I've been terrible at that "getting Self Help Radio done on time" thing.  There are several reasons for it, the most convincing of which is have you seen the world lately?

But that's not really an excuse.  The main excuse I believe is lack of a deadline.  I spent the past couple of days working on Tuesday morning's Dickenbock Report, which has to be turned in twenty-four hours before it airs so it can be properly placed on the automation.  I'm certain if that were the case with Self Help Radio, I'd have it done at that time, too.  It's just not really scheduled - I even have no idea if the last two episodes, placed on the station's automation, have aired at all.

That being said: I think I thought about doing a show about thunder when I was talking to my family in Dallas & there were thunderstorm warnings.  I realized we don't really get a lot of thunder up here in Cascadia.  & sometimes my ruminations lead me in the direction of "are there enough songs about thunder to make a radio show about thunder?"

So!  I will have a new Self Help Radio tomorrow some time, earlier if possible, but definitely sometime on a Monday.  It will of course happen at Self Help Radio dot net & I'll let you know here.  & on Facebook.  & Twitter.  I might text you.  I might also call.  If I show up at your house, I'll just yell from the curb.

Preface To Thunder: I Guess I Don't Miss The Thunder

It's hard to believe it's almost a year since we've moved to Portland.  We lived in Fort Worth, Texas, for nearly three years, & although I'm not a meteorologist & I haven't actually looked this up, I have theories about why the storms in Fort Worth in particular are so awful.

Did I not mention the storms in Fort Worth were awful?  Oh yes!  Lots of wind & thunder & lightning.  Skies darkening menacingly & suddenly.  Flash floods & power outages.  They seemed to always roll in from the west, where the city began & the plains ended.  & that was my theory:

Something about the size of a city, plus the way it absorbs heat, acts as a kind of natural barrier for extreme weather, which seems to need space in order to build its destructive strength.

Is that true?  According to this article in the Dallas Morning News, no.  Instead, the explanation for the intensity & frequency of Texas thunderstorms involves "the jet stream, moist air, & lingering cold fronts."

But, you see, thunderstorms in Fort Worth seem way more intense & ferocious than those on the other side of the metroplex, which is way more populated - & farther away from the storm, which has to travel through a giant collection of cities, suburbs, highways, even an enormous airport.

So in that willful way that is the hallmark of being a human, I will continue to believe there's something to the geography of Fort Worth that invites worse thunderstorms - mainly its position as the first major city the storms will encounter as they come from the west.  It just seems true.  You know?

& anyway, there's only been a couple of thunderstorms since we arrived here, & I haven't missed them at all.  The steady rain of Portland is its own kind of drama, really.

Did You Forget?

Did you forget?  I forgot.

How could you forget?  How could I not?

You wanted to forget?  I wanted it forgotten.

Is it hard to forget?  I used to know - but I forgot.

Don't we struggle to remember?  If we remember to.

So it's best to forget?  Perhaps it's best to be forgotten.

I never want to forget!  I forgot you always say that.

Oh, forget all about it.  Consider it forgotten.

The Dickenbock Report (Episode 9)/A KBOO Sub Show

Hey, I know there are far more interesting ways to pass your time during this quarantine/social distancing reality we have, but in case there isn't any more lint in your belly button to dig out & all the paint has already dried without spectators, I have put two recent radio shows on the Self Help Radio website for your audio "enjoyment."

Yes, those are quotation marks.  I understand how desperate one need to be to choose to listen to anything I do on the radio.

One is last week's Dickenbock Report, which made its (prerecorded) Tuesday morning premiere.  It's a hefty three hours long, & most of the show celebrates National Beer Day with boozy tunes, although the regular birth day/death day segment happens & there are beaver songs for International Beaver Day.

If you don't want to go to the website, click on this discolored set of words to access the show directly.  You will be asked for a username (which is SHR) & a password (which is selfhelp) to listen.  But you'll only be asked once!

The second is two & a half hours of me playing new music on Thursday morning in the space where the Dickenbock Report used to be.  It's mostly stuff released in 2020, & I keep my yapping to a minimum.  If you'd prefer to go directly to the show, click on this sentence to access the mp3 without all that yucky Self Help Radio web page nonsense.  Again, you'll need a username - SHR - & a password - selfhelp.

That is all.  I mean, it's five & a half hours of radio, but that's all from me right now.

Self Help Radio 041320: Surprise!

(Original image here.)

Surprise!  Self Help Radio's show about surprise is a day late!  This may not be much of a surprise, especially considering that it's nearly impossible to determine what day it is most of the time, & time seems itself to be quarantined, trying to get rid of some sickness.  But who cares!  It's a show about surprise!  Surely everyone loves a surprise!

Actually, there are a lot of people who really, really hate surprises.  I have documentation about this assertion.  Still, hating surprises doesn't necessarily mean you'll hate a radio program about surprises.  Because songs about surprises, especially when you're expecting songs about surprises, aren't surprising at all.  So you get the best of both worlds!

The show is, unsurprisingly, at the Self Help Radio website when/if you'd like to listen.  Remember, there is a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) needed to listen.  That's no surprise.  & also what songs are played is not a surprise.  They're listed below.

Honestly, for a show about surprise, I'm not really offering many surprises.

Self Help Radio Surprise Show

"Surprise!" +/- _You Are Here_
"Surprise" We Are Scientists _Crap Attack_
"Surprise" Royal Headache _Royal Headache_

introduction & definitions

"Surprise, Surprise" The Rolling Stones _Singles Collection: The London Years_
"Surprise, Surprise (Sweet Bird Of Paradox)" John Lennon _Anthology_
"You'd Be Surprised" Mike Birbiglia _Two Drink Mike_
"Surprise, Surprise" Girlfrendo _Surprise! Surprise! It's Girlfrendo_
"Surprise! Surprise!" Laptop _Don't Try This At Home_

a surprise phone call from Bingham Killkid

"Secret Surprise" Joanna Gruesome _Weird Sister_
"I Am Not Surprised" The Organ _Grab That Gun_
"On Surprises" Fabio _Fabio After Dark_
"Don't Be Surprised" Lynn Williams _Eccentric Soul: The Outskirts Of Deep City_
"Surprise Party For Baby" The Vibrating Vibrations _The Golden Torch Revisited_

an attempt to plan a surprise with Elliot Kliffnerd

"Surprised" The Sugargliders _A Boy, A Girl, & A Rendezvous_
"Surprised" Holiday Flyer _You Make Us Go_
"The Element Of Surprise" The Last Shadow Puppets _Everything You've Come To Expect_
"Little Surprise" The Wave Pictures _Beer In The Breakers_
"A Big Surprise" Sparks _Introducing Sparks_

a surprise phone call from Alyssa & Jason

"I'll Be Your Surprise" Hurrah! _The Sound Of Philadelphia_
"Taken By Surprise" The Family Cat _Tell 'Em We're Surfin'_
"It Was The Surprise More Than Anything" Les Barker _The War On Terrier_
"Surprise, Surprise" X _See How We Are_
"No More Surprises" The Ettes _Shake The Dust_

another surprise phone call from Bingham Killkid

"My Dog Surprise" Guided By Voices _Warp & Woof_
"Surprise Me" Altered Images _Happy Birthday (The Best Of Altered Images)_
"Surprise Symphony" Deerhoof _Reveille_
"Don't Be Surprised" Twerps _Twerps_
"Taken By Surprise" Varsity _The Basement Takes: 2015-2016_

conclusion & goodbye

"Avocado Surprise" Mo Douglas _Healthy Instrumentals_
"Some Kind Of Surprise" Winter _Supreme Blue Dream_
"Surprise Us" Palomar _All Things, Forests_

Whither Surprise?

(I wish I could remember where I found this.)

Surprise!  Tomorrow there'll be another Self Help Radio, & the theme will be "surprise."  This is the theme that would've been explored if circumstances hadn't changed life as we know it so dramatically four weeks ago.

Have I taken the time to work on the show?  Nah.  I am just now gathering music at this late date.  I'll work on the show into the night & tomorrow, & it'll appear during the day sometime on the Self Help Radio website.  I'll announce it here, on Twitter, & on the show's Facebook page.  Basically wherever you saw this, it'll be the same place.  Hopefully it won't be so late in the day, but to be honest, I've been needing afternoon naps a lot recently.

Hey!  Am I deliberating being vague so where I announce that the show about surprise is ready, it'll be something of a surprise?  Of course not.  Unless you think that's cool.  Do you think that's cool?  You choose.

See you tomorrow!