The last time anyone was at an airport, there was already disease in the air.
Were you at the airport then? the man who looked like a waiter asked the woman who looked like an actress from the nineteen-forties.
Oh no she replied We had already stopped going to the airport.
Because of disease in the air?
She laughed. No, because we had found alternative methods of flight.
Some of the alternative methods of flight included time-tested practices such as drugs, imagination, & imaginative drugs. Other methods seemed novel, like giant machines & home-made wings. Some methods could be dangerous or downright frightening, like magic or futuristic science, which may have been the same thing.
You know said the man who looked like a waiter I have heard about these alternative methods of flight but I confess I love aeroplanes.
Looking slightly cross, the woman who looked like an actress from the nineteen-forties asked in response Are you going to take my order now?
If you feel at this moment somewhat embarrassed for the man who looked like a waiter, & perhaps even feel a bit of pity for him, please don't. He looked so much like a waiter that he would often just go into restaurants, act as though he worked there, & steal the tip money from the actual staff.
He took her order. She received it in a colorful to-go bag. & then stepping outside, she looked up at the full moon, said a slight incantation, & flew away.
The man who looked like a waiter pocketed the tip money, told no one in particular that he was going to take a break, & he walked quickly away, into the night.
Saturday, August 01, 2020
Friday, July 31, 2020
Thursday, July 30, 2020
We Found An Unfortunate Echo
Because it was, after all, a long song, we rested easy, we knew we had time, like waiting in a line, or falling in a dream, or scanning the sky for faint stars, or looking down the street hoping to see the bus.
Hopping to see the bus, the child was pretending to be a rabbit pretending to be interested in buses. The hopping got tiring; the child however did not have to pretend too hard to want to see the bus. The kid adored the bus.
The kid adorned the bust with flowers & tiny figurines she found on a shelf in the attic. She wanted to know, perhaps, exactly who the bust was supposed to represent, but she loved her anyway. & she pretended it wasn't always white, that once it had some color.
Once its handsome color was enhanced by the sun, we stood in that slightly pretentious pensive manner & admired it, heaping considered praise on the artist who, it must be said, took our admiration with excessive modesty. Perhaps she also blushed.
Perhaps she also brushed her hair with the old brush her mother left her. Everyone knew that she kept a box of her mother's things to go through in her darker moments. So many regrets, so many things left unsaid. How could that tiny box hold them all?
The tiny box told them all that they had come in vain. They were not going to be buzzed up; the host was not feeling well; the party was cancelled. Standing around the crumbling doorstep, a slight mist descending on them, they decided then & there to have the party in the street.
Partly in the street, partly on the sidewalk, most of my belongings were strewn. They hardly seemed like mine, to be honest, so hastily & haphazardly were they thrown from the second floor during the fire. Here's what I was thinking: you should've let it all burn.
You should've let it all turn to gold, you should've wished for more precious metals, you've should've taken as many baubles as possible, filling your pockets & cupping your hands. Instead, you were literally empty-handed. You escaped with less than you had when you arrived.
She took your hand when you arrived, a perhaps too-familiar gesture, but one which gave you comfort at the right moment. No one expects death, even the death of the very old. It was a strange song to bring you together, though, not because it was sad or painful, but because it was, after all, the wrong song.
Hopping to see the bus, the child was pretending to be a rabbit pretending to be interested in buses. The hopping got tiring; the child however did not have to pretend too hard to want to see the bus. The kid adored the bus.
The kid adorned the bust with flowers & tiny figurines she found on a shelf in the attic. She wanted to know, perhaps, exactly who the bust was supposed to represent, but she loved her anyway. & she pretended it wasn't always white, that once it had some color.
Once its handsome color was enhanced by the sun, we stood in that slightly pretentious pensive manner & admired it, heaping considered praise on the artist who, it must be said, took our admiration with excessive modesty. Perhaps she also blushed.
Perhaps she also brushed her hair with the old brush her mother left her. Everyone knew that she kept a box of her mother's things to go through in her darker moments. So many regrets, so many things left unsaid. How could that tiny box hold them all?
The tiny box told them all that they had come in vain. They were not going to be buzzed up; the host was not feeling well; the party was cancelled. Standing around the crumbling doorstep, a slight mist descending on them, they decided then & there to have the party in the street.
Partly in the street, partly on the sidewalk, most of my belongings were strewn. They hardly seemed like mine, to be honest, so hastily & haphazardly were they thrown from the second floor during the fire. Here's what I was thinking: you should've let it all burn.
You should've let it all turn to gold, you should've wished for more precious metals, you've should've taken as many baubles as possible, filling your pockets & cupping your hands. Instead, you were literally empty-handed. You escaped with less than you had when you arrived.
She took your hand when you arrived, a perhaps too-familiar gesture, but one which gave you comfort at the right moment. No one expects death, even the death of the very old. It was a strange song to bring you together, though, not because it was sad or painful, but because it was, after all, the wrong song.
Monday, July 27, 2020
Self Help Radio 072720: Heroes
(Original image here.)
Here it comes to save the day! Yay! Heroes! Because a radio program about cowards would seem too much like a radio show about the police or about politicians, Self Help Radio chose instead to spotlight those we choose to call heroes. & so we did.
Is there something heroic about listening to the radio in this day & age? Self Help Radio can't answer that - even though technically it was a questions the show just asked - but here's as noncommittal a statement as you're ever going to here: there are acts of ordinary heroism everywhere!
Sheesh. It might be better to just listen to the dumb show instead of trying to frame it in heroic terms, even if that's the theme. & you can do that while still in your secret identity! Please don't listen to the show while on patrol. It'll be distracting.
The Self Help Radio "hero" show is now at Self Help Radio's anti-heroic web page. Please remember, you'll need a username & a password to listen. Those are SHR & selfhelp. You can see below what was played.
& now, citizen - up, over, & away!
Self Help Radio Heroes Show
"Heroes" David Bowie _"Heroes"_
"Superhero Music" Fingathing _Superhero Music_
introduction &
"If I Could Be Your Hero" Dot Wiggin Band _Ready! Get! Go!_
"We R Super Heroes" Robbert Bobbert & The Bubble Machine _Robbert Bobbert & The Bubble Machine_
"This Place For Heroes" Bob & Ray _Classic Bob & Ray, Vol. 1 - Selections From A Career: 1946-1976_
"The Conquering Heroes" The Divine Comedy _Office Politics_
"Just Like The Hero" Ed Cooper _Allnighter II_
interview with my youngest friends Alyssa & Jason
"Working Class Hero" John Lennon _Plastic Ono Band_
"A Bunch Of Lonesome Heroes" Leonard Cohen _Songs From A Room_
"Hero Worship" The B-52's _The B-52's_
"Heroine" Jehnny Beth _To Love Is To Live_
"Superhero" Lifestyle _At The Risk Of Sounding Pretentious_
interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently
"My Hero, Zero" Bob Dorough _Schoolhouse Rock: Multiplication Rock_
"Hero Of The War" Scott Walker _Scott 4_
"Heros" Guy Clark _My Favorite Picture Of You_
"Heroes Who Died For Their Country" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"Heroes & Halos" The High Violets _Heroes & Halos_
interview with author Rod Nielsen
"Hogan's Heroes March" Robert Clary, Richard Dawson, Ivan Dixon, & Larry Hovis _Hogan's Heroes Sing The Best Of World War II_
"I'm A Cult Hero" The Cure _Seventeen Seconds_
"Cult Hero, Come Home" My Favorite _A Double Agent Compilation_
"Friends Of The Heroes" The Aislers Set _Terrible Things Happen_
"Hometown Hero" Free Cake For Every Creature _The Bluest Star_
conclusions & goodbye
"No More Heroes" The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra _The Anarchy Arias_
"Heroes" Period Pains _It's The Cheap Damaged Goods Sampler CD_
"Hero Takes A Fall" The Bangles _All Over The Place_
"Million Dollar Hero (In A Five & Ten Cents Store)" The Radiators _The Chiswick Story: Adventures Of An Independent Record Label 1975-1982_
Sunday, July 26, 2020
Whither Heroes?
(From a different show called "Heroes" from the Wikipedia page.)
In the early 1980s, we were told, thanks to commercial radio, that we didn't need another hero. & in fact, the 1980s had very few heroes. But then CGI superhero movies hadn't been invented yet. Nor internet memes!
As it is, these days the world is awash with heroes & heroics & by gum it's time for Self Help Radio to show its appreciation! By playing songs about heroes. Although not specific heroes. I couldn't find any songs about Green Lantern. No songs about Green Lantern, no songs about any other superhero. That's just the way it is.
The show happens tomorrow from 8-10am on Freeform Portland. That's tomorrow Monday in case you're seeing this late.
Does listening make you a hero? Not to this show, but yes to listening to Freeform!
Saturday, July 25, 2020
Preface To Heroes: Define It
So... The show this week... Self Help Radio this week... It's already done. I'm not saying so on the air - I find there are few benefits to mentioning one's show is prerecorded - but I'm saying so here because (if it's possible) less people read this blog than listen to the show. & almost no one listens to the show.
One thing I like to do for my themes is define them. You might expect I would have done it for this week's show. & I tried to, really, I did. But I was interrupted. Which sometimes happens. It would be nice if it happened comically, but I doubt that's the case for this week's show. In any event, I did not get to define the word hero. Which, should you tune in Monday, you'll discover. Should I have said "spoiler alert"?
However, we have time & space for definitions here. So, without further ado, here's what it says on the Wikipedia page for hero:
A hero (heroine in its feminine form) is a real person or a main fictional character who, in the face of danger, combats adversity through feats of ingenuity, courage, or strength. Like other formerly solely gender-specific terms (like actor), hero is often used to refer to any gender, though heroine only refers to female. The original hero type of classical epics did such things for the sake of glory & honor. On the other hand, are post-classical & modern heroes, who perform great deeds or selfless acts for the common good instead of the classical goal of wealth, pride, & fame.
It goes on to mention - you can read it yourself - that the word comes from the Greek heros which meant "protector" or "defender." One of my favorite sites, the Online Etymology Dictionary, notes these things:
Meaning "man who exhibits great bravery" in any course of action is from 1660s in English. Sense of "chief male character in a play, story, etc." first recorded 1690s. Hero-worship is from 1713 in reference to ancient cults & mysteries; of living people by 1830s. In Homer, of the Greeks before Troy, then a comprehensive term used of warriors generally, also of all free men in the Heroic Age. In classical mythology from at least the time of Hesiod (8c. B.C.E.) "man born from a god & a mortal," especially one who had done service to humankind; with the exception of Heracles limited to local deities & patrons of cities.
That's all I wanted to say today. Something I didn't get a chance to say on the show. Which airs on Monday. But which I finished yesterday morning. Not to be too confusing or anything.
One thing I like to do for my themes is define them. You might expect I would have done it for this week's show. & I tried to, really, I did. But I was interrupted. Which sometimes happens. It would be nice if it happened comically, but I doubt that's the case for this week's show. In any event, I did not get to define the word hero. Which, should you tune in Monday, you'll discover. Should I have said "spoiler alert"?
However, we have time & space for definitions here. So, without further ado, here's what it says on the Wikipedia page for hero:
A hero (heroine in its feminine form) is a real person or a main fictional character who, in the face of danger, combats adversity through feats of ingenuity, courage, or strength. Like other formerly solely gender-specific terms (like actor), hero is often used to refer to any gender, though heroine only refers to female. The original hero type of classical epics did such things for the sake of glory & honor. On the other hand, are post-classical & modern heroes, who perform great deeds or selfless acts for the common good instead of the classical goal of wealth, pride, & fame.
It goes on to mention - you can read it yourself - that the word comes from the Greek heros which meant "protector" or "defender." One of my favorite sites, the Online Etymology Dictionary, notes these things:
Meaning "man who exhibits great bravery" in any course of action is from 1660s in English. Sense of "chief male character in a play, story, etc." first recorded 1690s. Hero-worship is from 1713 in reference to ancient cults & mysteries; of living people by 1830s. In Homer, of the Greeks before Troy, then a comprehensive term used of warriors generally, also of all free men in the Heroic Age. In classical mythology from at least the time of Hesiod (8c. B.C.E.) "man born from a god & a mortal," especially one who had done service to humankind; with the exception of Heracles limited to local deities & patrons of cities.
That's all I wanted to say today. Something I didn't get a chance to say on the show. Which airs on Monday. But which I finished yesterday morning. Not to be too confusing or anything.
Friday, July 24, 2020
Vince
(Taken by Jim, my Fort Worth neighbor, over two years ago.)
You probably don't read this blog regularly, or at all, so it's weird to refer to old stories I have written about. This post concerns a cat that my neighbor rescued in December 2018 who recuperated in our garage. I told that story here. When I wrote that story, the cat - called "Simba" by my wife - had not been rescued. The story of his rescue is written here. Too long, didn't read: a graduate student at UNT adopted him. When I was still in Fort Worth, I'd volunteer to look in on Vince - the grad student gave him that name because of his ear - when needed. I liked to go over there, hang out with him - he was a very loving cat - & occasionally sit on the balcony with him. Vince didn't seem to mind being indoors - he seemed to have a sense that he'd spent so much time outdoors that he should be an indoors cat from now on.
The truth is, there was very little feral about him, so he must have once been an indoors cat. The theory is that some family who lived in the apartment complex near where he spent most of his life probably abandoned him when they moved away. He was a tough guy - his face told you that story - but he loved to cuddle, he loved to simply be near humans - heck, he even seemed to lose his trademark hiss after a time. It broke my heart to leave Texas & not be able to see him again. But I knew he was in good hands.
The grad students (whose name is Holden) doted on Vince. He apparently started an Instagram account just to show him off. (I don't do Instagram so I don't know where it is.) When the pandemic started, Holden drove to Ohio where his family & his girlfriend are, & my wife told me the cat simply rode in the back seat - without a carrier - &, when Holden stayed at his girlfriend's, Vince was forced to live with three golden retrievers, all of whom were immediately made aware who was in charge. You want proof? Here's proof:
The wife tells me Holden actually walked Vince on a leash. I was already dumbfounded about a cat that would travel without a carrier - my own cats would go nuts in a car left alone to wander - but I could no more walk my cats on a leash as I could teach them how to fly. But Vince was exceedingly chill - the almost-perfect house cat - & certainly the best first cat for a young person like Holden.
It goes without saying that living rough for years - I'd say Vince had been a "feral" cat for eight years or so - took its toll. Vince was FIV positive, which never bodes well, & he had other issues related to the injuries that brought him to our garage in the first place. The infection in his cauliflower ear was never resolved, & it moved from time-to-time to his eye. There were other issues that I am not entirely privy to - but suffice it to say, keeping Vince well meant more than a few vet visits.
Of course I'm speaking about Vince in the past tense now. We found out today from Holden that early Tuesday morning Vince had a seizure from which he never recovered. From what I understand, it happened too fast to get him to an emergency vet, & since it was the very early morning when Holden woke to discover his condition, there was no telling how long he had been seizing. That's a nightmare for every pet owner, & I can't even imagine what Holden has been going through. I lost my first cat to feline leukemia when he was just five years old & I don't think I've ever gotten over it. Here's what I texted Holden when I found out:
So sorry to hear about Vince. You adopted him knowing he had years of hard living that eventually would catch up to him. But his last year was the best of his life & he obviously was happy & well-adjusted. Thank you for giving him the housecat life that was denied him for so long.
This may be the last picture I took of him before I left Texas:
He was a beautiful cat with an amazing personality. The folks who abandoned him have no idea what they lost. Honestly, if I knew we were staying in Texas, we might have adopted him. As it was, he came to us when he needed help, & we were miraculously able to give him, like I said to Holden, the life he so deserved.
Goodbye, Vincent. I'm glad you found Holden & I'm glad your retirement into senior housecat living was so glorious. We should all be so lucky.
Thursday, July 23, 2020
Monday, July 20, 2020
Self Help Radio 072020: One Thousand
Radio shows about numbers can be kinda lame. I wonder how many numbers Self Help Radio has explored? I seem to remember zero. & there was nine. It feels like recently I did a show on the number seventeen (though it was over two years ago now). Also, one hundred. Does it count if I focused on a single number like one million miles? It doesn't? Ah well.
This lame radio show focuses on the number one thousand. Not one thousand of any particular thing, just, you know, one thousand. Here's something I just realized: I don't think I said the word "millennia" once during the show. How about that. I might have, but I don't recall. I wasn't really listening, though.
Should you want to listen - there are almost certainly a thousand reasons not to - you can do so at Self Help Radio's website. You'll only need two bits of information to hear the show: a username, which is SHR, & a password, which is selfhelp. You can see what happens on the show, songs & interviews, below.
As always: a thousand apologies.
Self Help Radio One Thousand Show
"A Thousand Stars" Kathy Young & The Innocents _The Sound Of Kathy Young_
"A Thousand Love Songs" Tiny Tim, The Eternal Troubadour _Terra Serpentes_
"A Thousand Shades Of Blue" Ron Banks & The Dramatics _The Dramatic Jackpot_
introduction & definitions
"A Thousand Hours" The Cure _Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me_
"Hold Back A Thousand Hours" The Gentle Waves _Falling From Grace_
"A Woman Went One Thousand Miles To See A Man" Rev. D.C. Rice _Complete Recorded Works In Chronological Order (1928-1930)_
"Thousand Miles Away" Otis Redding _The Immortal Otis Redding_
"Thousand Mile Blues" Jean Ritchie _None But One/High Hills & Mountains_
interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently
"Land Of 1000 Dances" Wilson Pickett _Wilson Pickett's Greatest Hits_
"A Thousand Lovers In A Day" Future Bible Heroes _Eternal Youth_
"1000 Dreams" Miss Kittin & The Hacker _Two_
"A Thousand Words" Styrofoam _A Thousand Words_
"La Valse Mille Temps" Jacques Brel _Infiniment_
interview with author Albert Bierstadt
"$1000 Wedding" The Mekons _Slightly South Of The Border_
"A Thousand Burning Bridges" Edna McGriff _Start Movin' In My Direction_
"Land Of A Thousand Boys" Brenda Holloway _The Motown Anthology_
"A Thousand Ways" La Sera _Music For Listening To Music To_
"A Thousand Trees Were Dancing In The Dark" Gary Wilson _Alone With Gary Wilson_
"A Thousand Wonders" Archie Bell & The Drells _After Hours: The Collection (Northern Soul Masters From The Vaults Of Atlantic, Atco, Loma, Reprise, & Warner Bros. Records 1965-1974)_
"My Thousand Years With Robots" From Bubblegum To Sky _Me & Amy & The Two French Boys_
"Man Of A Thousand Faces" Regina Spektor _Far_
"One Thousand 20th Century Chairs" Kahami Karie _K.K.K.K.K._
"Like 1000 Violins" 1000 Violins _Like 1000 Violins_
conclusion & goodbye
"1000 Stars" Big Country _The Crossing_
"One Thousand" The Maybellines _The Maybellines_
"Life Of A Thousand Crimes" Echo & The Bunnymen _The Fountain_
"A Thousand Shadows" The Seeds _Future_
Sunday, July 19, 2020
Whither One Thousand?
(Image from here.)
This week on Self Help Radio - one thousand songs!
Wait, let me clarify - there will be one thousand songs although the number of songs on the show will probably not be one thousand. Usually we average about thirty songs per episode, give or take. Depends on how long they are. & how much I talk. In any event, let's say we'll have around thirty one thousand songs on the show this week. Still, on the show, there will be nothing but one thousand songs. Songs about things that number one thousand. Gosh, I can see how that might be confusing. If only there were a cleared way to express that. But I suppose there isn't.
Therefore! Listen to Self Help Radio tomorrow from 8 to 10am on Freeform Portland - 90.3 & 98.3 fm in the city, freeformportland.org everywhere - to hear one thousand songs! Only one thousand songs! Nothing but one thousand songs!*
*Again, though, the actual number of songs won't be one thousand. I mean, just doing the math, each song would have to be no longer than seventy-two seconds each, & that would be without any talk at all, which, if you've heard the show, that will never ever happen.
Saturday, July 18, 2020
Preface To One Thousand: No, Not The Thousandth Show
Man, I wish I had the time to count my shows! It was hard enough making the "table of contents" page back in the day! But as I keep saying, there's just no way this could be Self Help Radio's thousandth show. Shall I show the math?
The show debuted in October 2002. That's about seventeen years & nine months (or let's say thirty-six) weeks ago. Seventeen years is approximately 884 weeks. Plus 36 is 920 shows. That assumes, however, that I have produced an episode of Self Help Radio every week during that time, which is, of course, not true. Just this year I skipped an entire month because of the pandemic. That means there have been (probably) less than nine hundred episodes of Self Help Radio.
But what about other shows, like the Dickenbock Report, which explored different themes? I am currently not counting them nor putting them on my "table of contents" page. But that doesn't mean I haven't done that in the past - the show I did on XRAY for National Radio Day is on there. Should I count those?
What I've decided to do is create a kind of spreadsheet (ugh) to keep track of the number of shows I've done. Although I can't do a "one thousand" show for the actual one-thousandth Self Help Radio episode now. At least I can note it.
The show debuted in October 2002. That's about seventeen years & nine months (or let's say thirty-six) weeks ago. Seventeen years is approximately 884 weeks. Plus 36 is 920 shows. That assumes, however, that I have produced an episode of Self Help Radio every week during that time, which is, of course, not true. Just this year I skipped an entire month because of the pandemic. That means there have been (probably) less than nine hundred episodes of Self Help Radio.
But what about other shows, like the Dickenbock Report, which explored different themes? I am currently not counting them nor putting them on my "table of contents" page. But that doesn't mean I haven't done that in the past - the show I did on XRAY for National Radio Day is on there. Should I count those?
What I've decided to do is create a kind of spreadsheet (ugh) to keep track of the number of shows I've done. Although I can't do a "one thousand" show for the actual one-thousandth Self Help Radio episode now. At least I can note it.
Friday, July 17, 2020
Garden Envy
(Observations in haiku)
My wife envies this
Your new garden lush & green
She'll tell me, not you
My wife slanders you
She claims you use pesticides,
Toxic chemicals
See your berry bush!
Ripe berries in your front yard!
Urban foraging!
My wife built raised beds
To thwart the slugs; now she finds
Paw prints in the soil
Is it wrong to try
To make friends with the neighbors
Whose gardens are great?
The neighbor's caught on!
She smiles at our poor garden
"Better luck next year!"
My wife envies this
Your new garden lush & green
She'll tell me, not you
My wife slanders you
She claims you use pesticides,
Toxic chemicals
See your berry bush!
Ripe berries in your front yard!
Urban foraging!
My wife built raised beds
To thwart the slugs; now she finds
Paw prints in the soil
Is it wrong to try
To make friends with the neighbors
Whose gardens are great?
The neighbor's caught on!
She smiles at our poor garden
"Better luck next year!"
Thursday, July 16, 2020
July 16, 2020
There's too time today to find an interesting post from my past, so enjoy this radio-related comic from
Poorly Drawn Lines, one of my favorite internet comics:
(The original is here.)
Poorly Drawn Lines, one of my favorite internet comics:
Monday, July 13, 2020
Self Help Radio 071320: Lessons
(Using a cheat sheet on a Self Help Radio lesson! For shame! Original image here.)
You're expecting me to start this with something like, "What have we learned?" Sorry, not going to play your game. I learned my lesson long ago about conforming to expectations. It makes one well-liked, happy, & satisfied. I mean, have you heard this show?
There certainly were a lot of lessons on today's show. Although now that it's over, I can't think of a one. Something probably about knowing oneself. Maybe something about love? I did what I always do, I dozed off while the lecturer was going on & on, just reading off the Powerpoint slide. I did have nice dreams though. I always had the best dreams sleeping in class. & I woke so refreshed! It makes one wish one could return to school. To get better rest.
The lesson of all this is that Self Help Radio had a show this morning & you can listen to it now & anytime really at the Self Help Radio website. You must remember your username (SHR) & password (selfhelp) to access the lesson. It's only one lesson, though. There's really not much the show has to teach you. The syllabus is below.
Do not begin the test until you are told to do so.
Self Help Radio Lessons Show
"I Learned My Lesson" Bobby Blue Bland _I Pity The Fool: The Duke Recordings, Vol. 1_
"The Lessons To Unlearn" Fonda _The Strange & The Familiar_
"Lesson One" Gavin Guss _On High_
introduction, definitions, & Tom Homonym interrupts!
"Piano Lessons" Poison Girls _Statement_
"Piano Lessons For Beauty Queens" Tullycraft _The Singles_
"King Arthur & The 'Old Woman': A Lesson In Anarcho-Syndicated Commune Living" Monty Python _The Album Of The Soundtrack Of The Trailer Of The Film Of Monty Python & The Holy Grail_
"Lesson" Sarah Shook & The Disarmers _Years_
"Funkin' Lesson" X Clan _Funkin' Lesson_
interview with Darius Allen Hook Shariaty
"Lesson 2 (James Brown Mix)" Double Dee & Steinski _What Does It All Mean?: 1983-2006 Retrospective_
"Love Lesson" Mickey & Sylvia _Love Is Strange: All The Hit Singles As & Bs 1950-1962_
"Lessons" Kate Tempest _The Book Of Traps & Lessons_
"The Lesson Of Sodom (According To Lot)" Momus _Circus Maximus_
"The Heart's Filthy Lesson" David Bowie _Outside_
interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently
"History Lessons" Allo Darlin' _We Come From The Same Place_
"There's A Lesson To Be Learned" Gladys Knight & The Pips _All I Need Is Time_
"Lady Lessons" Nancy Kulp & Donna Douglas _Flatt & Scruggs 1964-1969, Plus_
"French Lessons" Metrovavan _Little Darla Has A Treat For You, Volume 18: Winter 2002_
"Lesson Learned The Hard Way" Death By Unga Bunga _Tell Me Why EP_
interview with Coach Miller
"Lesson In Survival" Joni Mitchell _For The Roses_
"Learned My Lessons" Jenny O. _Automechanic_
"Italian Lesson No. 3" Space Ghost _Space Ghost's Surf & Turf_
"How I Learned My Lesson" X _Under The Big Black Sun_
"A Lesson We Should Learn" The Mighty Diamonds _Jam Session_
conclusion & goodbye
"Free Guitar Lessons For Animals" Flossie & The Unicorns _L M N O P_
"Let That Be A Lesson To You" Louis Armstrong _The Complete Louis Armstrong Decca Sessions (1935-46)_
"You've Been Taking Lessons In Love" Fats Waller _1935_
Sunday, July 12, 2020
Whither Lessons?
(Image from here.)
Who's ready to learn something? Uh oh. Self Help Radio is not ready to teach anything. No, the best the show will be able to do this week is talk about lessons, rather than give lessons. But - is there a difference?
Can you look over a lesson without learning at least a little something about the lesson? Perhaps - but for the sake of argument, which is to say, to pretend that perhaps there might be something to learn in this week's Self Help Radio, let's say no, you can't. Simply knowing the outline of a lesson by its nature teaches you something. Even if the lesson is in a foreign language you don't understand.
Oh damn it, I took it too far.
Anyway, if you're fond of lessons, but not learning, or if you're fond of lessons & learning, but can get by without learning much at all, or even if you're not fond of lessons or learning but wouldn't mind hearing a bunch of songs about lessons, then you'll want to tune in to Freeform Portland tomorrow morning at 8am for this week's Self Help Radio. It'll happen from 8 to 10am on 90.3 & 98.3 fm & online at freeformportland.org.
No word yet whether there'll be a test & if there is whether there'll be a curve.
Saturday, July 11, 2020
Preface To Lessons: The Brain Asks Questions It Tries To Answer
How do I store memories, asks the brain. In bottles or socks, in chests of drawers or boxes? In discrete rectangles of time, in little flashes of electricity that bounce from neuron to neuron?
Or do I store memories at all, asks the brain. Do I not so much store them as revise them, a painting never completed? Do I not so much store them as rewrite them, an editing job unending?
But then how do I lose memories, asks the brain. Do the mice that live inside me nibble away at them until they're mere fragments? Do they simply fade away like vanishing gods, no longer worshipped, so only crumbling temples & inscriptions remain?
Why teach me anything, asks the brain. Would I not learn my lessons anyway? Would those lessons eventually molder & sleep, sighing fitfully under ever more memories stowed away in the dark, dusty attic of the mind?
It's too bad I love learning lessons, thinks the brain. Sometimes, though, I think I haven't learned anything at all.
Or do I store memories at all, asks the brain. Do I not so much store them as revise them, a painting never completed? Do I not so much store them as rewrite them, an editing job unending?
But then how do I lose memories, asks the brain. Do the mice that live inside me nibble away at them until they're mere fragments? Do they simply fade away like vanishing gods, no longer worshipped, so only crumbling temples & inscriptions remain?
Why teach me anything, asks the brain. Would I not learn my lessons anyway? Would those lessons eventually molder & sleep, sighing fitfully under ever more memories stowed away in the dark, dusty attic of the mind?
It's too bad I love learning lessons, thinks the brain. Sometimes, though, I think I haven't learned anything at all.
Friday, July 10, 2020
Getting Ahead Of Myself
Here's something you might not know: next week's Self Help Radio is done.
What does that mean? Well, to facilitate the placement of shows on Freeform's schedule - all the current shows are prerecorded - the powers-that-be asked that they be turned in three days (72 hours) in advance for reviewers to make sure that they have proper legal IDs & they don't have naughty words (if they're on during the day). I have no problem with this. & so next week's Self Help Radio was finished this morning around 7am. It was due at 8am. I am completely incapable of doing anything until the last possible minute.
The point is, this morning I recorded my final airbreak for the show in which I mentioned that the theme of the next show (on July 20) has the theme "one thousand." & I thought, as I was recording the airbreak, did I do that because that will be Self Help Radio's one-thousandth show? Could it actually be?
Because that wasn't my intention choosing that theme. Still. Wouldn't it be weird if that were the case? Tonight, I did a little digging.
Using the themes page at the website, I tried to count the number of episodes of Self Help Radio I have done. Remember, I've done the show since 2002. Did the number come to one thousand?
Suspense. Suspense. Suspense.
No, it did not. A rough estimate is around nine hundred shows. You may be like, "Dude, you've been on since 2002, you have have a thousand shows by now, bra!"
But should I? The show's been on for eighteen years, & averaging one show a week for that time, the number should be - this would be in October - 936. & I know I haven't done a show every week without pause for eighteen years.
My subconscious was not telling me there were one thousand episodes of Self Help Radio. That won't happen for a couple of years. I wonder what nonsensical theme will be explored in spite of that momentous occasion?
What does that mean? Well, to facilitate the placement of shows on Freeform's schedule - all the current shows are prerecorded - the powers-that-be asked that they be turned in three days (72 hours) in advance for reviewers to make sure that they have proper legal IDs & they don't have naughty words (if they're on during the day). I have no problem with this. & so next week's Self Help Radio was finished this morning around 7am. It was due at 8am. I am completely incapable of doing anything until the last possible minute.
The point is, this morning I recorded my final airbreak for the show in which I mentioned that the theme of the next show (on July 20) has the theme "one thousand." & I thought, as I was recording the airbreak, did I do that because that will be Self Help Radio's one-thousandth show? Could it actually be?
Because that wasn't my intention choosing that theme. Still. Wouldn't it be weird if that were the case? Tonight, I did a little digging.
Using the themes page at the website, I tried to count the number of episodes of Self Help Radio I have done. Remember, I've done the show since 2002. Did the number come to one thousand?
Suspense. Suspense. Suspense.
No, it did not. A rough estimate is around nine hundred shows. You may be like, "Dude, you've been on since 2002, you have have a thousand shows by now, bra!"
But should I? The show's been on for eighteen years, & averaging one show a week for that time, the number should be - this would be in October - 936. & I know I haven't done a show every week without pause for eighteen years.
My subconscious was not telling me there were one thousand episodes of Self Help Radio. That won't happen for a couple of years. I wonder what nonsensical theme will be explored in spite of that momentous occasion?
Thursday, July 09, 2020
July 9, 2017
Three years ago, I decided to start a series that I never finished or really added very much to, called "Things I Really Hate." The first was "Being Stuck In Traffic." I had been back in Texas for a year & was spending way too much time in traffic. It was awful. I can't believe I lived like that for two more years. & not only that - I never got into an accident. I swear I thought I'd be in an accident like a hundred times.
Here's what I wrote:
You know, I'm the sort of guy who doesn't hate things. If someone I know says they hate a band or a musician, I am more likely to say I just don't like them. Opinions are opinions, there's no accounting for taste, etc. I once told someone at a radio station who was shitting on an artist that they just didn't like them, that many other people liked them, that they couldn't dismiss them out of hand as "bad" just because they had a negative opinion.
But traffic is different. Look. Human drive cars. Humans who are stupid have accidents that cause traffic. Humans who are stupid decide in a situation where their attention should be on the road to do other shit. They decide to drive poorly. They decide to talk to their moronic friends on their phones. They decide to do anything but as quickly as possible get from one place to another.
This happened yesterday: while taking my wife to the airport, I found myself on a highway reduced to a standstill. At one point, someone decided to just sit in her car & use the time to rummage through her back seat. Yards of empty space opened before her idling minivan. People honked. To no avail.
The reason for the slowdown was an accident at an important exit so also fuck those guys. But traffic slowdowns are not excuses to fuck around. Everyone in their cars is just as important as everyone else. When you as a driver decide to be nonchalant, you're fucking everyone else over. Also, if you decide you're more important than anyone else, &, say, decide to drive on the shoulder - you're also fucking everyone else over. God damn it!
But that moment when everyone isn't moving, & it seems like nothing is happening, & there's no way out - agh! I hate that. I feel like someone who's about to go crazy.
Today I drove in a terrible storm. Rain & hail were blowing sideways, the streets filled with water, it was terrifying. But I would prefer that to being stuck in traffic.
Seriously.
Here's what I wrote:
(This nightmare photo from here.)
You know, I'm the sort of guy who doesn't hate things. If someone I know says they hate a band or a musician, I am more likely to say I just don't like them. Opinions are opinions, there's no accounting for taste, etc. I once told someone at a radio station who was shitting on an artist that they just didn't like them, that many other people liked them, that they couldn't dismiss them out of hand as "bad" just because they had a negative opinion.
But traffic is different. Look. Human drive cars. Humans who are stupid have accidents that cause traffic. Humans who are stupid decide in a situation where their attention should be on the road to do other shit. They decide to drive poorly. They decide to talk to their moronic friends on their phones. They decide to do anything but as quickly as possible get from one place to another.
This happened yesterday: while taking my wife to the airport, I found myself on a highway reduced to a standstill. At one point, someone decided to just sit in her car & use the time to rummage through her back seat. Yards of empty space opened before her idling minivan. People honked. To no avail.
The reason for the slowdown was an accident at an important exit so also fuck those guys. But traffic slowdowns are not excuses to fuck around. Everyone in their cars is just as important as everyone else. When you as a driver decide to be nonchalant, you're fucking everyone else over. Also, if you decide you're more important than anyone else, &, say, decide to drive on the shoulder - you're also fucking everyone else over. God damn it!
But that moment when everyone isn't moving, & it seems like nothing is happening, & there's no way out - agh! I hate that. I feel like someone who's about to go crazy.
Today I drove in a terrible storm. Rain & hail were blowing sideways, the streets filled with water, it was terrifying. But I would prefer that to being stuck in traffic.
Seriously.
Monday, July 06, 2020
Self Help Radio 070620: Dragons
(Ouchies. Original image https://www.pinterest.com/pin/509258670348886614/">here
.)Yay, dragons! I always thought I was a dragon. Maybe a dragon cursed to walk the earth in human form. But once I break this curse, watch out!
But what kind of dragon am I? It's cool I can discover thanks to an internet quiz! It turns out I'm a very sad, old, weak dragon with poor personal hygiene & low self-esteem. Thanks, internet. You wouldn't have been so mean ten years ago.
Even if I'm not a rad dragon, I still think dragons are rad, & if you feel the same, have I got a radio show for you! It's this week's Self Help Radio, which features lots of dragon songs, interviews with people who know a thing or two about dragons, & a chance to ride on an actual dragon (okay, that last one didn't happen, but wouldn't it be cool if it did?).
Listen now at Self Help Radio dot net. Remember the username & password - SHR + selfhelp. What happens on the show is listed below. Respect a dragon's hoard of wealth! If you need a loan, just ask. Stealing is wrong!
Self Help Radio Dragons Show
"The Green-Eyed Dragon" John Charles Thomas _An Affectionate Recollection_
"In The Days Of Old" Emitt Rhodes _The Emitt Rhodes Recordings (1969-1973)_
"Cutest Lil' Dragon" Danielson Famile _Tri-Danielson!!! (Omega)_
introduction & definitions
"Puff, The Magic Dragon" Peter, Paul, & Mary _The Very Best Of Peter, Paul, & Mary_
"Dragon # 1" Helium _Ends With And_
"St George & The Dragonet" Stan Freberg _The Capitol Collectors Series_
"Red Dragon Tattoo" Fountains Of Wayne _Utopia Parkway_
"Dragon Blood" MC Lars _The Zombie Dinosaur LP_
interview with folklorist Melbourne Adkins
"Dungeons & Dragons" Montt Mardie _Skaizerkite_
"In League With Dragons" The Mountain Goats _In League With Dragons_
"Komodo Dragon" Bob & Ray _The Two & Only_
"Dragonhead" Throwing Muses _Hunkpapa_
"The Dragon" Biz Markie _The Biz Never Sleeps_
interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently
"Slaying Of The Dragon" Constantine _In Memory Of A Summer Day_
"Dragon's Ear" Tyrannosaurus Rex _A Beard Of Stars_
"Albi" Flight Of The Conchords _Folk The World Tour_
"Where Is My Dragon?" Felix _You Are The One I Pick_
"Dragons" Possessed By Paul James _There Will Be Nights When I'm Lonely_
interview with Alyssa & Jason
"Big Red Dragon" Little Green Cars _Absolute Zero_
"Dragons Awake" Guided By Voices _Do The Collapse_
"The Dragon Of Grindly Grun" Shel Silverstein _The Best Of Shel Silverstein (His Words His Songs His Friends)_
"Dragon" Smoke Fairies _Through Low Light & Trees_
"Dragons To Slay" Garland Jeffreys _Truth Serum_
conclusion & goodbye
"The Ballad Of Bilbo Baggins" Leonard Nimoy _Spaced Out: The Best Of Leonard Nimoy & William Shatner_
"Blue Dragon" Hot Lava _Lavalogy_
"Pitied Be The Dragon Hunter" The Buckinghams _Time & Charges_
"The Prince & The Dragon" The Story Lady _The Story Lady_
"Dragons" Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors _Dragons_
Sunday, July 05, 2020
Whither Dragons?
(Jack Horner becomes a dragon, from the comic Fables, found here.)
It's at this point I think many people are asking not "why is this week's Self Help Radio a show about dragons" but instead "why did it take you do long to do a show about dragons?" To which the answer is, "I don't know I'm sorry!"
Because like dragons are awesome. Dragons are so awesome I want to capitalize them like a German noun every time I write them. I am doing a show about Dragons this week. Don't you love Dragons? Wasn't it insane on that episode of Game Of Thrones when it took them almost no time to get from King's Landing to the Wall riding on the backs of Dragons? In my opinion that's when the show experienced a sharp drop in quality. I'm sorry, did this become some kind of stupid fan whine about Games Of Thrones or am I announcing that this week's Self Help Radio is a show about Dragons?
Aw, can't it be both?
No, it can't, & you'll want to tune in tomorrow from 8-10am Portland time to 90.3/98.3 fm Freeform Portland also online at Freeform Portland dot org. So many Dragons stop by! It's gonna be awesome.