The Gary Files # 9: Gary Burghoff

(I found this image here.)

An explanation: Since the name Gary is going extinct, I thought it incumbent upon me to celebrate more notable Garys than myself.  This is the ninth of a series!

Gary Burghoff is, according to the Wikipedia, "an American actor, known for playing Charlie Brown in the 1967 Off-Broadway musical You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown, & the character Corporal Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly in the film M*A*S*H, as well as the TV series."

When did you first become aware of him?  On M*A*S*H.  Can I just write MASH?  No, maybe not, that looks weird.  But it's such a pain in the ass to write out those damn asterisks.

Sounds like a personal problem.  No lip from you!

Did you like the character he played?  Yeah, I mean, I think the show was brilliant, even know, but I guess Burghoff was funniest in the movie, where he knew was Henry Blake was going to say before he said it.  That was the kind of joke what would've gotten old pretty fast on television.  He was never as interesting or funny as the leads of the show were (especially Alan Alda) but as a member of the ensemble cast, he was fine.

Did you watch AfterM*A*S*H?  Yeah, a couple of episodes, but even my young, completely non-discrimating self realized it was an unfunny turd.  It needed more Hawkeye!  Hell, it could've used a sprinkling of BJ Hunicutt!

Did you know he played Charlie Brown?  I did not.  I don't think I've ever seen a performance of You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown.  Though I like some of the songs.

He was on Match Game a lot.  You love Match Game, right?  Oh yes.  Best. Gameshow. Ever.  But sort of like on M*A*S*H, he was overshadowed by funnier people.  I can't really remember seeing him on Match Game, though his Wikipedia page says he was on 428 episodes.  Eep.

Is his name really Gary?  No, it's Radar.  Actually, it's Gary Rich Burghoff.

Do you know why he was named Gary?  Gary Cooper was at the height of his fame so, probably in honor of the actor.

"Big" "Announcement"

(I found this image there.)

Surely something you know about me is, despite an almost embarrassing lack of natural ability, I love to be on the radio.  If any radio station in town gave me a daily 2am to 6am slot to just play music & be ridiculous on the air, I'd do it.  (I'd want to be able to pick the music I played, but I'm not going to double-down on this flight of fancy with a list of conditions because that's like making plans on how you're going to spend your money right after your bought your first lottery ticket.)  So when I discovered that new community radio station WLXL needed volunteers, I volunteered.  I am always glad to help out, but I did hope I'd eventually get a show there.  & now I have!

Premiering tomorrow night (that's Saturday), I'm doing a show from 7-9pm called Cradle To Grave.  The premise is dumb but simple: during the first hour of the show, I'll be playing music from artists who were born on the day of the show, & in the second hour, I'll be playing music from artists who died on the day of the show.  Obviously, tomorrow is Saturday the 21st, so if you love an artist who was born on that day, or who died on that day, there's something of a chance that you'll hear them tomorrow.  (How big a chance I can't say.  I mean, we might not have the same taste in music, you know.)

Who was born on November 21st?  Well, there's K.C. Douglas, Charlie Palmieri, Dr. John, & Alex James, to just name four of the folks you'll hear tomorrow.  Who died on November 21st?  Oh, there's Jim Eanes, Hadda Brooks, Robert Lockwood, & Matthew Ashman, to name four more folks you'll hear tomorrow.

If that sounds like fun, tune your radio dial to 95.7 fm in Lexington &/or tune your computer dial to the WLXL web page & click the "Listen Now" button.

Yes, I'll archive the shows for a short time on the Self Help Radio web page, but they're time-sensitive, aren't they?  Good for a day?  Something like that?

Maybe you'll listen?

Self Help Radio 111715: Stuck

(Original image here.)

Stuck in your life?  Your relationship?  Your career?  Your garage?  Then please don't listen to this week's Self Help Radio.  It may depress the hell out of you.  & not in the regular way!

The show features an interview with a fellow who's been stuck to a piece of wood for almost two decades!  Also, an unhappy Mark Miller calls to talk about how he's feeling stuck in a rut.  & I feature another installment of that forgettable series Dramatic Readings Of Classic Rocks Songs.  Plus the regular assortment of songs, this week all about being stuck.  Like you expect.

Listen now!  Don't wait till you're stuck somewhere & it's the only option you have!  It's at the Self Help Radio website.  If you get stuck & forget about the password, that information is on the page.  It's in two parts.  The songs in the two parts are listed below.

& thanks for listening!  I'm glad you stuck around.

(part one)

"Stuck" Birthmark _Antibodies_
"Stuck" Butterglory _Downed_
"Stuck" Pulses _Dirtnap Across The Northwest_

"Stuck Up Blues" Roy Acuff _Night Train To Memphis_
"Don't Be Stuck Up" Paul Hampton _Rockin' Doll_
"Little Miss Stuck Up" The Playmates _At Play With The Playmates_
"Mr. Stuck-Up" Christine Quaite _Gems One_
"Stuck Up" Shirley Gunter _Soulful Kinda Ladies_

"Safety Pin Stuck In My Heart" Patrick Fitzgerald _1 2 3 4: Punk & New Wave 1976-1979_
"Stuck Under My Shoe" The Dirtbombs _ If You Don't Already Have A Look_
"How Stuck Are You" Skating Polly _Skating Polly_
"Stuck On You" Sardine V _Inner City Sound: Australian Punk & Post-Punk_

"Stuck In The Middle" Astropuppees _Yo _u Win The Bride_
"An Orchid Stuck Inside Her Throat" Comet Gain _Paperback Ghosts_

(part two)

"Stuck On You" Elvis Presley _From Nashville To Memphis: The Essential 60s Masters_
"I'm Stuck" Jerry Reed _Capitol Rockabilly_
"Doing The Unstuck" The Cure _Wish_

"Stuck With You" Zones _Kilt By Death: The Sound Of Old Scotland_
"(I'm Stuck In A Pagoda With) Tricia Toyota" The Dickies _Dawn Of The Dickies_
"Stuck In A Movie!" Aquabats _Charge!!_
"Stuck Up A Hornbeam" Half Man Half Biscuit _Urge For Offal_

"Still Stuck Out Here" The Ocean Party _Soft Focus_
"Your Words Are Still Stuck In My Head" Garlands _The Garlands EP_
"Stuck In Transit" Slow Children _Slow Children_
"Stuck" Magazine _The Correct Use Of Soap_

"Stuck Inside Of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again" Bob Dylan _Blonde On Blonde_

Whither Stuck?

(I found this image here.)

Confession time: I would be lying if I told you that I didn't think of the idea of doing a show with the theme "stuck" when I discovered that we were not moving to Los Angeles.  I wisely decided not to do a show in which I bemoan the fact that I was stuck in Lexington as my first show as a podcast.  I don't enjoy rubbing salt into my own wounds.

Honestly, I forgot all about the theme until a few weeks ago.  I found it sitting forlorn in a folder of possible themes.  I had done lots of legwork for it.  I figured, I'll do it now.  I don't feel stuck in Lexington at the moment, I'm enjoying the show, I think at least some people with questionable taste are liking Self Help Radio, I might as well do a show about being stuck.

It'll be sticking from 4-6pm today on 88.1 fm in Lexington, & also here, there, & everywhere things adhere at wrfl dot fm.  As usual, when it's done in real time, I'll stick it till it's stuck over at self help radio dot net.  But that's tomorrow.  Today's it's just sticky.

Hope you'll listen in!

Preface To Stuck: Sticky?

Looking over the Self Help Radio "themes index" page, I was certain I had done a show with the theme "sticky."  It turns out, the closest to "stuck" I had explored was a show from eight years ago (!) with the theme "glue."

"Sticky" doesn't preclude "stuck," although "stuck" doesn't imply "sticky."  I believe I learned that in Kant's Critique Of Pure Reason:

Stickiness, by means of sensation alone, is stuck in only one moment, that is, if I do not take into consideration a succession of many sticky sensations. In the phenomenon, the tackiness of which is not a successive synthesis stuck to parts to an agglutinative representation, being sticky has therefore no extensive syrupiness; the want of sticky in a moment of time would represent it as stuck, consequently stuck stickied. That which in the viscous intuition corresponds to stick is stuck (stick to sticked, stuck up to stick down); that which corresponds to the absence of it, unsticky. Consequently, sticky doesn't preclude stuck, whereas it can be shown that stuck does not imply sticky.

See?  Told you so.  Not that I understand any of that, of course.  I Kant really get into it.

Ho ho ho.

Oh - I have interesting news coming up in regards to me doing another regular radio show but can I tell you after this week's show?  I'm not done with it yet.  & I need to watch Fargo tonight!

I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris

Paris.  Sometimes people who write these blogs get the sense that they have to comment on things that are happening around them, but, if you're even glanced at this blog, you'll know I don't feel that responsibility at all.  In fact, today someone was playing songs about Paris on RFL, & I thought myself somewhat callous for not doing a show about Paris this week.

The truth is, I have nothing to say that could possibly help the people of that great city, nor offer consolation to anyone who values our way of life, where tolerance & inclusion are celebrated.  Someone more eloquent than I pointed out that the people who were targeted, the people who died, they were out on a Friday night having a good time: eating, seeing shows, listening to music, socializing, living.  I'm not sure I know how to respond to an enemy who find such things not simply distasteful or abhorrent, but worthy of homicide.

Maybe at some point I'll attempt a show about dear Paris.  I loved the city when I visited & hope I can visit again some day.  The people there are strong, & will recover, & will find their way.  The secular European social democracies may just be a greater experiment than the American one, so hard-fought & hard-won are their principles.

One other thing: I've turned off & ignored the outrage from those who wish to politicize the event & those who enjoy being outraged for the sake of outrage.  It does one no good to get down into some ideological pit with people incapable of seeing the world other than the white to everyone else's black.  Honestly, those folks deserve only pity, & to remain unheard.

My favorite response was from a Charlie Hebdo cartoonist, who wrote a cartoon about the attacks, which you can read (translated) here.  I choked up with this one, which I believe with all my heart:

It says, "They never succeed."  & they won't, if we don't let them.

The Gary Files # 8: Gary Coleman

(I found this image here.)

An explanation: Since the name Gary is going extinct, I thought it incumbent upon me to celebrate more notable Garys than myself.  This is the eighth of a series!

Gary Coleman was, according to the Wikipedia, "an American actor, voice artist, & comedian, best known for his role as Arnold Jackson in Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986) & for his small stature as an adult."

When did you first become aware of him?  The television show Diff'rent Strokes, of course.

Did you watch all eight years of the show?  Oh no.  I probably stopped watching it around the time I went to high school.  But before that, yeah, I watched the show a lot.

Did you like it?  Here's the thing.  There was a time in my childhood when the television was always on.  You just watched it.  Only later, probably after puberty, did one start thinking, "Oh, this is good" or "Man, this sucks."  Watching television was something that I came to think critically about once I was taught to think critically.  So the clichéd & preposterous hijinks of Arnold & Willis in a rich white man's household were not nearly as interesting to me as, say, a situation comedy set in World War II German POW camp.  I could appreciate that sort of nonsense!

Do you remember when you decided you wouldn't watch the show?  It's important to understand that I was horrified when Ronald Reagan became president.  I wasn't a Democrat or a Republican then, but I understood he was a charlatan who was there to reward the rich people who supported him.  Plus, he was a religious nutjob who talked about nuclear armageddon in a more or less positive light.  I went to bed every night for the first half of the eighties expecting to die in an atomic bomb apocalypse.  So when his bird-boned wife appeared on a very special episode, I knew I couldn't watch the show anymore.

Do you remember when he ran for governor of California?  I do!  It was after Gray Davis' recall.  Everyone ran for governor, & of course the Terminator won.  Coleman himself received over twelve thousand votes!

Did you know his growth was stunted by a disease?  Yes, I just read that.  He suffered from "focal segmental glomerulosclerosis, an autoimmune kidney disease," & had two kidney transplants, both unsuccessful, & had to have daily dialysis.  A fucked up way to live.

Do you know how he died?  Yeah, he feel down the stairs, & suffered an epidural hematoma.  He possibly had seizures.  He was 42.  It's crazy that, during the time he was on Diff'rent Strokes, he & I were the same age.  He was born less than a month after I was.

Is his name really Gary?  Yes, Gary Wayne Coleman, though he was adopted.  I don't know if that was his birth name - it probably wasn't - his adopted parents' name was Coleman.

Do you know why he was named Gary?  I assume his adopted parents had their reasons.

Self Help Radio 111015: Turtles

(Original image here.)

Yay turtles!  Listen: turtles loved yesterday's show.  How do I know?  I know because I got zero - that means none - calls from turtles complaining about the quality of the show!  That hardly ever happens!  Which is why I need to do more reptile-based shows.  Otherwise, it's complaining, complaining, complaining from turtles, snakes, alligators - & those guys get on the phone & they're mean.  They make me cry, sometimes.

No matter!  The turtles are happy, & perhaps you will be too.  In addition to tons of turtle songs (all listed below), I interview the famous internet sensation Turtle Man, I talk to a gerontologist who studies the longevity of turtles, & I talk to the turtle-ish Mark Miller in Hollywood.  I can guarantee that for the length of the time you listen to the show, you will not get any complaints from turtles!

The show is in its shell at the Self Help Radio website.  Psst!  Pay attention to password information on the page.  Otherwise: turtle complaints!  Enjoy both parts of the show which, in played in succession in real time, approximate what the actual show as it aired sounded like!

Turtles!

(part one)

"Turtles" PBNJ Buchanan _SHR: Take Carapace_
"The Turtle Song" Connie Haines with the Russ Case Orchestra _The Heart & Soul Of Connie_
"Green Turtle" Burl Ives _A Little Bitty Tear: The Nashville Year 1961-1965_
"Turtles & Trees" Bobby Sherman _Here Comes Bobby_
"Turtle" Tuna Helpers _I'll Have What She's Having_

"Little Turtle" Joe Bennett & The Sparkletones _ABC/Paramount Rock & Roll Party, Vol. 1_
"Turtle" Ernie & Neal _Rock & Roll Band_
"Turtle Woman" Christopher Guest _Buy This Box Or We'll Shoot This Dog: The Best Of The National Lampoon Radio Hour_
"Turtle Crazy" Toy Dolls _Cheerio & Toodlepip!_

"The Hare & The Tortoise" Mercury Childcraft _The Hare & The Tortoise_
"The Tortoise & The Hare" Joan Gerber _The Story Lady_
"The Turtle & The Hare" The P.F. Flyers _Hollywood Maverick: The Gary S. Paxton Story_
"Tortoise & The Hare" The Moody Blues _Question Of Balance_
"Tortoise Regrets Hare" James Yorkston _When The Haar Rolls In_

"Turtle Island" Beach House _Devotion_
"Turtle Pond (feat. Mark Kozelek)" Desertshore _Drawing Of Threes_

(part two)

"Bert The Turtle (The Duck & Cover Song)" Dick "Two-Ton" Baker _Atomic Platters_
"Turtles" Professor Peter Schickele _Sneaky Pete & The Wolf_
"Tricky Turtle" Blockhead _The Music Scene_

"Turtle Bait" The Jazz Butcher _Cult Of The Basement_
"Data For The Turtle In The Maze" Kleenex Girl Wonder _Graham Smith Is The Coolest Person Alive_
"Turtle Songs Of North America" They Might Be Giants _Podcast Highlights_
"Turtle Shell" Cloud Cult _They Live On The Sun_

"Turtles Have Short Legs" Can _Radio Waves_
"Turtle" Artery _Into The Garden: An Artery Collection_
"Turtles" Moustache _Moustache_
"Who Would Understand A Turtle?" Lemuria _The First Collection_

"Turtle Beach" Eric Von Schmidt _2nd Right, 3rd Row_
"Turtles All The Way Down" Sturgill Simpson _Metamodern Sounds In Country Music_

Whither Turtles?

(This image - & many very cute others - are here.)

Hmm, didn't I tell you yesterday why I'm doing a show about turtles?  Someone asked me to.  Someone I know who, I might add, does not have a turtle as a pet.  But I guess you can just like turtles.  That's cool.  I loved cats for like twenty-six years before one befriended me.

Maybe also I told you I was gone all weekend, so this show is going to be a shambling mess.  I spend a great deal of time on my shows - not that you can tell - but I had to cram three or four days of listening, rearranging, planning, fretting, into a little over twenty-four hours.  I am a bit frantic & ill-prepared at this moment.

Please come watch me stumble & flail about & fall!  All in the name of turtles!  That's 4pm today on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington, & online at wrfl dot fm.  I'll archive it tomorrow at self help radio dot net but don't worry!  I'll leave it as big a mess as it happened.  I am terrible at polishing turds.

See you then!

Preface To Turtles: The Hunt For Turtle Songs

This is going to be a boring discussion (if you can have a discussion with yourself) about a dumb dilemma I sometimes have with the radio program I do.  It's about certain themes.

Themes will happen when I least expect them, & they'll often happen without a cursory glance about to see if there are enough songs to populate a radio show about that theme.  In the case of turtles, it was a suggestion from a friend.  "You should do a show about turtles," she said.  "Okay," I said, & put it on the calendar (I will often program requested shows sooner than the ones that spring from my poor imagination), without checking first if I have in my ramshackle music collection enough songs for two hours of turtle music.

The short answer is, I do.  The issue I had is, many of them are instrumental.

Of course a radio show that's all instrumental is fine.  I have programmed electronic & jazz & surf shows which featured predominantly non-vocal music.  But something about Self Help Radio makes me want to make sure that the songs at the very least mention the theme, or something relating to the theme.  I wanted to play the Sundays last week, on the poetry show, not because the word "poetry" was in the title of the song (it wasn't, the song was called "My Finest Hour"), but because I liked that singer Harriet Wheeler repeatedly sang, "Poetry is not for me," throughout the song.

Instrumental tracks can have the show's theme in their titles, & I usually play such tracks under or behind my voice during airbreaks.  But during the show?  Something about the song needs to speak to the show's topic that week beyond the title.

There are great jazz tunes with turtle in the title.  Ditto electronica.  What I discovered is that there aren't really all that many songs, period, about turtles.  Not even children's songs!  Rest assured, there are enough turtle songs to populate tomorrow's show, but I like to have a lot to choose from.  There weren't a lot.  Alas.

Don't worry about me - I think it'll be a good show.  & I think I shouldn't worry about such things, you know, because it's just a dumb radio show.  But still.  It's something I do fret about.

Okay, I'm Back - What? Sunday's Nearly Over?

Let me tell you, the worst thing about having eight awesome animals is that you miss the hell out of them when they're not around.  Of course, they didn't go anywhere - my friend Ben watched them - & I have to be honest, it was nice to not have to worry about them while I was in Texas.  So glad to be with them again though!  Four days away was rough.

Now I have to work on a show!  I should probably get some sleep.

Any thoughts about Texas?  Look, I've complained about this before: there's not a vegetarian or vegan restaurant within sixty miles of Lexington, & places that have vegan options (of which there are maybe five) seem to have them begrudgingly.  Going to Dallas, you have not only amazing Ethiopian food (Lalibela), but possibly the best all-vegan diner in the world (Spiral Diner), among other treats (like vegan donuts at Glazed Donut Works, which has a vegan donut choice every damn day*).  Then we went to Austin for a day, where we discovered an extraordinary vegetarian (many items vegan!) food truck called Shhmaltz (the Reuben is divine, the Bob Dylan is a revelation), & I had breakfast (vegan pancakes, yum) at the same old Kerbey Lane (now twice its size) that I went to twenty-seven years ago, & pretty much all the time until five years ago.  Gah!  So much food!

Also I got to see dear friends whom I never really ever get to see.  That was better than all the food in the world.

Oh no!  Look at the time!  Radio show!  Sending tee shirts out!  Maybe even getting sleep?

* I called a hip new donut place here in Lexington & asked if they served vegan donuts.  The person on the other line said, "Why would we do that?"

On Vacation

Your fumbling host is having a weekend getaway to the exotic wilds of Texas (I hope I am spelling that right - I'm not sure what language that is) this weekend, so posting here is going to be light or maybe even nonexistent (well, okay, not that).  Please excuse.  Irregularly regular posting should resume when I'm back in town Sundayish.

Self Help Radio 110315: Poetry

(Original image here.)

Ooo, Self Help Radio got all literary & shit this week, with a highbrow show about poetry.  All the pseudo-intellectuals were there.  Who was there?  Let me see.  There was me.  & that was enough!

Also: I talked to a professor who's written a book called "Anyone Can Write Poetry."  We returned to our never-popular "Talk Back" segment to hear a listener tell us why he doesn't like poetry.  & I cold-called my spiritual advisor the Reverend Doctor Howard Gently, who was kind enough to share his insights about poetry.  Of course plenty of swell music.  About poetry.  & poets.  Like I said: highbrow.

There was a rumor that listening to this show will count as a three-credit college English class credit, but I can neither confirm nor deny that I totally made that up.  I suggest you take it up with the bursar.  Or the ombudsman.  Or the registrar.  Or any bureaucratic office on campus whose actual duties are confusingly named.

The show is now at the Self Help Radio website for your listening - er, enjoyment?  Maybe?  Please remember the password information, or don't, as it's written on the page.  The show is in two hour-long parts.  What are in the parts I have noted below.

Try to guess the show's rhyme scheme!

(part one)

"Mr. Poem" Mike Batt _Mr. Poem_
"San Francisco Poet" Nikki Sudden _Crown Of Thorns_
"Poet" Sly & The Family Stone _There's A Riot Goin' On_

"Poets Problem" Blondie _Plastic Letters_
"Poets Turmoil No. 364" Anne Clark _Changing Places_
"Poems" Bo Burnham _WHAT._
"Bad Poetry" Soko _My Dreams Dictate My Reality_
"She's Never Read My Poems (7" mix)" Television Personalities _She's Never Read My Poems EP_

"Poetry Of Destruction" Andrei Codrescu _No Tacos For Saddam_
"Poet, Fool, Or Bum" Lee Hazlewood _Poet, Fool, Or Bum_
"The Old Poet" The Palisades _A Month Too Soon 12"_
"Poetry Man" Phoebe Snow _Phoebe Snow_

"It's Not A Poem" Brideshead _Some People Have All The Fun_
"Not Poetry" Milky Wimpshake _Popshaped_
"Dead Poets" Lida Husik _Fly Stereophonic_

(part two)

"Dead Poets Make Me Smile" Bubblegum Lemonade _Some Like It Pop_
"The Poet's Dead" Rah Rah _The Poet's Dead_

"Cemetry Gates" The Smiths _The Queen Is Dead_
"Sister I'm A Poet" Colin Meloy _Colin Meloy Sings Morrissey_
"The Uncertainty Of The Poet" Kurt Elling featuring Stefon Harris & Laurence Hobgood _Man In The Air_
"Physics For Poets" Patton Oswalt _Werewolves & Lollipops_
"Teenage Poetry" Suburban Kids With Biblical Names _# 2 EP_

"Poetry In Motion" Bobby Vee _The Very Best_
"Poet For A Generation" Charlie Fawn _Charlie Fawn_
"Profit In Your Poetry" Butcher Boy _Profit In Your Poetry_
"My Finest Hour" The Sundays _Reading, Writing & Arithmetic_

"Poet Is Priest..." Julian Cope _Jehovahkill_
"Chatterton" Mick Harvey _Intoxicated Man_
"A Poem On The Underground Wall" Simon & Garfunkel _Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, & Thyme_
"Pop Art Poem" The Jam _Sound Affects_
"Love Poems To The Lovely Juanita Beasley" Andy Griffith _This Here Andy Griffith_

Whither Poetry?

(I found this image here.)

Confession time: I used to write poetry.  I might even share some with you if you ask.  But it was pretty bad.  & that's okay, because most poetry is pretty bad.  I once compared poets with singer-songwriters - the vast majority of each are most probably going to be churning out god-awful material.

There was a conundrum I had to deal with in regards to this show, which is this: should the show be about poets & poetry, or should it be songs that are inspired by poems?  Or perhaps songs that were actual poems, set to music?  I decided to go with the former.  It doesn't mean that I won't do the latter at some point, but today the show will focus on songs about poetry & poets in general.

Will there also be an interview with someone who wrote a book called "Everyone Can Write Poetry"?  Will a listener who hates poetry get a chance to explain why?  Will I maybe decide to telephone my spiritual mentor?  What will a radio program about poetry sound like, anyway?

You'll have to listen to find out!  It's on from 4 to 6 pm on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington, & online at wrfl dot fm.  I'll archive it tomorrow at the Self Help Radio website, but it might sound more rehearsed then.  It may be more like a slam poetry night if you listen live.

(Seriously, I have no idea what I'm talking about.)

Preface To Poetry: 2200!!

Oh yaz, we have now reached post number two two zero zero commonly known as twenty-two hundred or two thousand & two hundred - & no one's really very excited about it except me.

That's cool.  I am perfectly able to appreciate the achievement ("achievement") without you throwing me a party or baking me a cake or even saying "congrats!" in the comments section of this very blog.  Just like I've gone several weeks at a time doing my radio show without a single caller.  I understand I operate in near obscurity.

Here's some news, though: the shirts for the 13th Anniversary should arrive this week.  Alas, I'll be out of town this weekend.  But I'll start sending them out next week.  I hope they look good.  I'm pretty excited.

One of my oldest friends is a poet.  His name is Dale Smith, & he may be my only close friend who has a Wikipedia page.  He's quite good, too.  I asked him if maybe he'd like to write poems for my show, & he was very sweet & wrote a very touching one for my kitchen show this summer, & the wife asked me today why I didn't involve him in my show this week.

Here's the thing: while the songs I play are usually pretty seriously about the theme, most of my airbreaks are designed to be entertaining.  (Just because they may not be is mostly my fault.)  Dale is a pretty serious damned poet.  I felt weird presenting his talent in the midst of my farce.  So I haven't asked him again.  Honestly, I think he was just humoring me the first time!  Self Help Radio is several levels below his pay grade.

The past few days I have been wondering if he'd like this week's show.  I won't tell him about it - the whole idea embarrasses me.

But!  I soldier through!  Tomorrow!  A show about poetry!  That might even feature some poetry!  But!  Today!  An accomplishment!  2200 posts on this stupid blog!

Damn it!  I should've written a poem about it!

2199

That's a scary future date.  Will the world be underwater?  Will it be Martian water?

It's also the number of this post.  I've written two thousand, one hundred, & ninety-nine posts on this blog.  Counting today's.  That's fucking crazy.

When I was a kid, like in elementary school, I wanted so badly to have my own line of comics books.  I would take a piece of paper, fold it, & on the outside draw a front + back cover, & on the inside the story.*  Rarely did I finish an actual story.  I remember I had named the comics line - something like GAD Comics (GAD are my initials), but I can't really remember - but I was most proud of the tag line: "We're not newer, we're just better."

There were probably no more than ten of these - many of them written & drawn hastily in-between dumb assignments in school - & naturally they were all very derivative.  I was not going to be a comics writer or artist when I grew up, not with this stuff in evidence.

The point of this little aside is that I hardly ever finished anything I started when I was a kid, & really, well into adult life.  I grew bored easily, & I lacked the patience & follow-through to commit to something that might have led to a more creative life.  But oh well.  Because:

This blog has almost got 2200 posts!  The fourteen year old me would have been astonished.

Hell, I am astonished.  Not just because of the posts here, but that I'm on my fourteenth year of a silly radio program.  Who would've thunk it?

Probably not my mom.  She would've thrown out all my tapes after I moved the show from Austin.

That last line only has bite if you've read the note below.  I am still not a very good writer.

* Oh yes, I would have gladly saved all of these, & carried them with me for the rest of my life.  Alas, I came home from school some time in the seventh or eighth grade to find my mother had thrown them all away when she cleaned out my closet.  Any bit of creativity - anything I wrote & drew before that time - was consigned to a dumpster.  No, I have never forgiven her for that.

The Gary Files # 7: Gary Numan

(I found this picture here.)

An explanation: Since the name Gary is going extinct, I thought it incumbent upon me to celebrate more notable Garys than myself.  This is the seventh of a series!

Gary Numan is, according to the Wikipedia, "an English singer, songwriter, musician, & record producer."  You probably know him, if you know of him at all, from his hit single "Cars."

When did you first become aware of him?  I heard & enjoyed the song "Cars" on the radio.

You like it?  Sure, it was catchy.  It was the beginning of new wave music, & it coincided with my discovery of other bands that would, briefly, appear on commercial radio, thanks to their popularity.  I would say they appeared in spite of the corporate radio structure.

Did you know anyone who hated him?  Oh yeah.  My friend Russell thought he was a Bowie rip-off.  He spoke of him with great disdain.  At the time, I hadn't heard anything else but "Cars," & wasn't really in a position (had no money, had no know-how) to explore any artist.  I didn't know about independent record stores, etc.  What I liked & knew about was confined to what I heard about on the radio, what I had been given to me by friends on cassette, & my older brothers' meager classic rock collection.  If they had a Gary Numan disc, I wasn't interested enough to listen to it then.

But did you start liking him later?  I like him fine, mainly the Tubeway Army stuff, & the album Replicas.  I confess that while I have a few of his 80s & 90s releases, I haven't listened to them much.  But boy do I know people who really love him.  Whew.

Did you know he married a member of his fan club?  Really?  When?

1997.  Ah.  He must be one of those musicians who really benefit from having an online presence.  But I suppose he's also much more popular in Britain than he has ever been here, since I know his 80s albums did well there.  Maybe I should have listened to more of his stuff before I started answering questions about him.

Is his name really Gary?  Yes, but his last name really isn't Numan.  His full name is Gary Anthony James Webb.  Sounds rather British.

I think Gary Numan is a pretty good punk rock name, even if he really isn't punk rock.  When a dude renames himself, he may feel like a new man.

Do you know why he was named Gary?  I have no idea.  He was born in 1958 so it might not be because of the actor.  Perhaps it was the name of a friend of his parents in London.  It's not something that's easy to find online.

Are 'friends' electric?  You know I hate to ask.

Hallowe'en Spooktacular!!

It turns out that I've been hoarding old Halloween shows on my site, & perhaps you opt out of the old Halloween fun & games, so why not listen to old radio shows of questionable quality?  In alphabetical order below are five old & one new Self Help Radio Halloween shows plus one RFL sub show that revised & expanded on an old Halloween show.  Enjoy, if you can!

Halloween 2015: Clowns!

Halloween 2014: Mummies!

Halloween 2013: Hell!

Halloween 2012: Nightmares!

Halloween 2011: Graveyards!

Halloween 2010: Haunted Houses!

Halloween 2010 Bonus: Zombies!

Self Help Radio 102715: Halloween 2015 - Clowns!

(I found the original image on the Clownopedia.)

There were two interesting phone calls I got yesterday (I should say especially interesting - all of the calls I get are interesting!) regarding this show I did about clowns:

The first caller told me something I didn't know, which is that clown colleges are apparently closing all across the country.  It surprised me that there was more than one clown college, as I had known about only one, which closed in the last century.  But, as I hate & fear clowns, as all sane people should, I said "Good!"  The caller did not share that sentiment, but did imply that my show was part of the general zeitgeist that's resulted in people not wanting to be clowns anymore.  I also think he hung up on me!

The second caller asked me, "Are you really afraid of clowns?"  I was taken aback!  What sort of person would do an entire radio show about clowns, revealing his anxiety & phobia on the public airwaves, talking with his psychologist, his spiritual advisor, & a former clown about his apprehensions?  It's almost like that person imagined that I would pretend to be someone else for the sake of the show's theme, that I would air fake interviews with funny people pretending to be experts!  I have no idea how anyone would get such an idea.

In any event, if it's a Halloween show you want, it's a Halloween show you'll get.  You may listen to it, if you dare, anytime at the Self Help Radio website.  It's so frightening I had to password protect it, so you'll have to find that information on the page.  It's in two parts, & what songs are in those two parts are listed below.

You've been warned!

(part one)

"Be A Clown" Judy Garland & Gene Kelly _De-Lovely Cole Porter_
"Bravo Pour Le Clown" Edith Piaf _The Essential Collection_
"The Clown" Roy Orbison _Orbison 1955-1965_

"No One Really Loves A Clown" Johnny Crawford _The Complete Del-Fi_
"Everybody Loves The Clown" Nirvana _All Of Us_
"Everybody's Clown" Johnny Dynamite _Southern Soul Showcase_
"Space Clown" Jobraith _Jobraith_
"Space Klown" Sissybar _Songs For Peeps_

"Killer Klowns" The Dickies _Killer Klowns From Outer Space_
"Clowny Clown Clown" Crispin Hellion Glover _The Big Problem ≠ The Solution. The Solution = Let It Be._
"Clown" Ric Menck _The Ballad Of Ric Menck_
"The Clown" Chuck Wilder _Eccentric Soul: The Tragar & Note Labels_

"The Clowns Are In Town" The Go-Betweens _G Stands For Go-Betweens: The Go-Betweens Anthology Volume 1_
"Clown Strike" Elvis Costello _Brutal Youth_

(part two)

"Clown Town" Steve Clayton _Clown Town_
"Jumper Clown" The Wedding Present _It's A Gas_
"Chromium Clown" Gary Wilson _Alone With Gary Wilson_

"Don't Send In The Clowns" Zorak _Space Ghost's Musical Bar-B-Que_
"Tears Of A Clown" The Beat _What Is Beat?_
"Don't Kill The Clowns" Soda Fountain Rag _Sometimes I Wonder If You Have A Heart_
"Death Of A Clown" The Kinks _Something Else By The Kinks_

"Eiderdown Clown" The Scots Of St. James _Circus Days: UK Pop-Sike Obscurities, 1966-1970_
"Pantomime Clown" Damien Youth _Strangest Hits, Vol. 1_
"Cabaret Clown" Marc Almond _Varieté_
"Clown Town" Laughing Clowns _Throne Of Blood, Reign Of Terror_

"The Clown Prince" The Triffids _The Black Swan_
"The Way Of A Clown" Teddy Randazzo _The Way Of A Clown_

Whither Clowns?

(I found that image here.)

Halloween shows!  They're the bane of my existence!  That might be appropriate!  But I notice a lot of deejays are happy to break out "The Monster Mash" once a year, & probably a lot of audiences are happy with that.  But not me!  I want to make sure each Halloween show is different than the last, because, of course, there are many different elements of Halloween that can be explored.  So, Self Help Radio has done shows about ghosts, vampires, monsters, zombies, werewolves, haunted houses, graveyards, nightmares, hell, & mummies. Such a long list! Where does the restless programmer go from here?

As an avid fan of Halloween, you must agree that there are surely some things out there that are scarier than all of these. For years, as I did these shows, I knew - I knew - in the back of my mind I was forgetting the worst of all. The terror that, unlike many of these others, was very real, was almost common, that had, unlike mummies or zombies, convinced the rest of the world that they were harmless, objects of delight for children, beings that could easily exist in a theatre or a three-ring circus without being frightening of all. These were - it hurts to say this - the clowns.

You've heard that line, the best trick the devil pulled was convincing everyone he/it doesn't exist. I disagree. I disagree vehemently. The worst trick pulled on the human race was clowns convincing the world they were objects of fun, & not fearsome creatures making nightmares into reality.

Self Help Radio will expose these horrors on the show this afternoon! It's on from 4 to 6 pm in the airwaves on 88.1 fm (in Lexington) &; in the computer waves at wrfl dot fm.  Tune in!  It may save you from a clown!