The Gary Files # 10: Gary Gilmore

(I found this image here.)

An explanation: Since the name Gary is going extinct, I thought it incumbent upon me to celebrate more notable Garys than myself.  This is the tenth of a series!

Gary Gilmore was, according to Wikipedia, "an American criminal who gained international notoriety for demanding the execution of his death sentence for two murders he committed in Utah. After the U.S. Supreme Court upheld a new series of death penalty statutes in the 1976 decision Gregg v. Georgia, he became the first person in almost ten years to be executed in the United States."

When did you first become aware of him?  The song "Gary Gilmore's Eyes" by the Adverts.

Did you know who they were singing about?  Not at all.  I figured he was someone English I wouldn't know about, & he had died & was giving his eyes to someone else as an organ donor.

You were alive when he was executed.  You don't remember anything about it?  He was executed three days before my ninth birthday.  That sort of thing wouldn't even have been on my radar.

When did you find out what the song was about?  A few years later, when someone mentioned to me that the Judy's song "How's Gary?" was also about him.  Around the same time, I read an article about the reinstatement of the death penalty in the United States, & his name was of course in the article.  Suddenly things started making sense.

He died by firing squad!  Not only that, his last words were apparently, "Let's do this."

What do you think of this line, from the Wikipedia article? 
The founder of advertising agency Wieden+Kennedy, Dan Wieden credits the inspiration for his "Just Do It" Nike slogan to Gilmore's last words.
I think it's pretty fucked up.

Is his name really Gary?  Apparently he was christened Faye Robert Coffman, but the reasons for that are in the Wikipedia article.  When his family left Texas, he was renamed Gary Mark Gilmore.

Do you know why he was named Gary?  I'm more interested why someone would name a boy Faye.

Self Help Radio 112415: Gardens

(Original image here.)

Do you have a garden?  How much time do you spend in your garden?  Do you give away a significant portion of your garden's yield?  Can I have some?

You may wonder why I ask.  On our regular dogwalk, the wife, dogs, & I pass at least two gardens which people have in their sort-of front yards (both houses are corner houses) in which I watch vegetables grow, ripen, & eventually rot, because the tenders of the gardens don't seem to manage their gardens well.  (If my dogs get close enough, they'll grab a tomato or a bell pepper!)  Gardens can be ornamental, of course, & these look great, but it seems weird to me to go through the process of planting, growing, & tending a garden, only to let what it produces go to waste.

Ah well.  Nothing goes to waste on this week's Self Help Radio - except the time you take to listen to it!  Lots of garden songs (listed below).  Interviews with a master gardener, a person who wrote a book about famous gardens, & my guru, who encourages everyone to grow a "spirit garden."  All done with a tremendous lack of style!

The show is now at the Self Help Radio web page.  Pay attention to username/password information!  & please be careful - there are creepy-crawlies in the soil!

(part one)

"The Garden" The Smittens _A Little Revolution_
"The Garden" The Shondes _The Garden_
"Walking Garden" Smack Dab _Queen Crab_

"English Country Garden" Jimmie Rodgers _Folk Songs With Jimmie Rodgers_
"Rooftop Garden" Lou Reed _Legendary Hearts_
"Garden Of Chalcedony" Licorice Roots _Licorice Root Orchestra_
"Perfume Garden" The Chameleons _What Does Anything Mean? Basically_

"Hong Kong Garden (John Peel Session)" Siouxsie & The Banshees _The Scream_
"The Hanging Garden" The Cure _Pornography_
"Garden Of Serenity" The Ramones _Hey! Ho! Let's Go: The Anthology_
"Gardenhead/Leave Me Alone" Neutral Milk Hotel _On Avery Island_

"Octopus's Garden" Jeffrey Lewis _Abbey Road Now!_
"The Garden At Night" The Clientele _God Save The Clientele_
"Island Garden Song" The Mountain Goats _The Coroner's Gambit_

(part two)

"City Of Gardens" Bent Denim _Romances You_
"Japanese Garden" Bernthøler _Merry Lines In The Sky_
"Garden Waltz" Bran Van 3000 _The Garden_

"Paradise Garden" Peter Jay _It's Hard To Believe: The Amazing World Of Joe Meek_
"The Hanging Gardens Of Reigate" Would-Be-Goods _él: The Legendary B Sides_
"Strawberries Are Growing In My Garden (& It's Wintertime)" The Dentists _Some People Are On The Pitch They Think It's Over It Is Now_
"Sculpture Gardens" The Art Museums _Rough Frame_

"Magical Garden" The Bartlebees _Acid House Kings/The Bartlebees EP_
"Arthur The Gardener" Television Personalities _Yes Darling, But Is It Art? (Early Singles & Rarities)_
"The Bottom Of The Garden" Bouquet _Miniminou_
"Botanic Gardens" Language Of Flowers _Songs About You_

"Avant Gardener" Courtney Barnett _The Double EP: A Sea Of Split Peas_
"Tip To Gardeners" Gary Owens _Put Your Head On My Finger_
"Rose In The Devil's Garden" The Castaway Stones _Make Love To You_

Whither Gardens?

(I found this image here.)

This is another of recent shows whose theme was suggested to me by a listener in the recent past*.  Normally I don't respond so quickly - not even to my own ideas - but this one made me think it'd be a good show.  Well, it might be a good show - in the spring.  In the autumn, teetering on winter?  Like most Self Help Radio episodes, it's a little silly in context.

At a different radio station, long ago, a peer reviewer (someone at the station reviewing the station's show to help improve them) once wrote a review of Self Help Radio in which the fact that my themes seemed arbitrary really stuck in her craw.  "I don't understand," she wrote, & I'm paraphrasing here, "why Gary does shows about the things he does when he does them."  (I added emphasis, imaging that was how she meant it to sound.

The answer is blindingly simple: obliviousness.  I usually become so occupied with a theme that I forgot to ask "Is this at all appropriate?"  It usually isn't.  Like gardens.  Today.

Today!  It happens from 4 to 6pm today!  On 88.1 fm!  Online at !  I hope you'll listen!

Spoiler alert: no gardening tips offered at all.

* You can suggest a theme too!  Just email me!

Preface To Gardens: Someone Should Have Said

Why didn't you warn me?  There are so many songs about gardens!  Wow, I think I've spent the entire weekend listening to songs about gardens.

Do I have a garden myself?  No.  Sadly I don't.  I am kind of afraid of bugs, & while I am not a neat freak, I don't enjoy having mud or other things on my hands.  It's one of the reasons that, though I love to cook, I don't bake too well - I am constantly washing dough off my hands.  I think the idea that I'd need to have my hands in soil, which has bugs of all kinds in it - slugs & worms are basically bugs to me! - has kept me from gardening.

Which is a shame.  I think I'd love to grow my own vegetables.  I have a plan, actually, to grow some hot peppers in the house come spring.  I'm told it's easy.  Maybe I will transition at some point to an actual garden with lots of vegetables.

But don't hold your breath!

Also, don't hold your breath till tomorrow - it's good to stay alive, as it might be a good episode of Self Help Radio.  (No promises, though.)

Cradle To Grave (Episode One)

Happy day!  November the 21st was the birthday of some great musicians!  Unhappy day!  November the 21st was the day many great musicians met their doom!  My new radio show on Lexington's community radio station, WLXL, celebrates both days in a couple of hour blocks.

In case you missed it, or in case you miss November the 21st for some reason, I've put the show up on the the Self Help Radio website for you to listen to.  The show is broken into two parts - listed below - the first part where birthdays are celebrated, the second part where deathdays are mourned.

The site requires a password.  That information is not a secret - it's on the site, actually!  There should be not trouble finding it.

Enjoy!

(part one)

"Bawlin' Baby" Johnny Horton with Hillbilly Barton _The Early Years_
"Mercury Boogie" K.C. Douglas _The History Of Country & Western Music, Vol. 14 (1947-1948)_
"Rockin' With Big John" Big John Greer _Ham Hocks & Cornbread_
"Only You" The Platters _The Platters' Golden Hits_
"Istanbul (Not Constantinople)" The Four Lads _Moments To Remember: The Very Best Of The Four Lads_

"Delirium" Red & Miff's Stompers _Anthology Of Jazz Drumming Vol.1 (1904-1928)_
"Under Paris Skies (Sous Le Ciel De Paris)" Coleman Hawkins _The Hawk in Paris_
"Clusters" Charlie Palmieri _Latin Bugalu_
"Changó Obarí" Clifford Thornton & The Jazz Composer's Orchestra _The Gardens Of Harlem_
"Mama Roux" Dr. John _Gris-Gris_

"All Day Music" War _All Day Music_
"Soul Bowl" Memphis Horns _Memphis Horns_
"I Had Too Much To Dream (Last Night)" The Electric Prunes _Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era_
"Girls & Boys" Blur _Parklife_

(part two)

"I Don't Believe You Met My Baby" The Louvin Brothers _When I Stop Dreaming: The Best Of The Louvin Brothers_
"Kentucky Bluegrass Angel" Jim Eanes _Bluegrass Ballads_
"Sunrise" Country Gentlemen _Yesterday & Today, Vol. 3_
"I'm Gonna Dig Myself A Hole" Robert Lockwood _Mississippi Blues (1935-1951)_

"Dixie Jazz Band One Step" The Original Dixieland Jazz Band _The Original Dixieland Jazz Band_
"Full Moon & Empty Arms" Frank Sinatra _The Best Of The Columbia Years_
"That's My Desire" Hadda Brooks _I've Got News For You_
"Keep On Dancin'" Alvin Cash & Scott Bros Orchestra _Soulin' Vol. 3_
"Hurt So Bad" Little Anthony & The Imperials _Out Of My Head & Payin' Our Dues_
"Down By The Old Mill Stream" Jerry Colonna _Songs For Screaming_

"Get Out Of My Life, Woman" Q65 _Revolution_
"Hot Wire My Heart" Crime _Hot Wire My Heart_
"Zerox" Adam & The Ants _Dirk Wears White Sox_
"Look My Way" The Vels _Velocity_

The Gary Files # 9: Gary Burghoff

(I found this image here.)

An explanation: Since the name Gary is going extinct, I thought it incumbent upon me to celebrate more notable Garys than myself.  This is the ninth of a series!

Gary Burghoff is, according to the Wikipedia, "an American actor, known for playing Charlie Brown in the 1967 Off-Broadway musical You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown, & the character Corporal Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly in the film M*A*S*H, as well as the TV series."

When did you first become aware of him?  On M*A*S*H.  Can I just write MASH?  No, maybe not, that looks weird.  But it's such a pain in the ass to write out those damn asterisks.

Sounds like a personal problem.  No lip from you!

Did you like the character he played?  Yeah, I mean, I think the show was brilliant, even know, but I guess Burghoff was funniest in the movie, where he knew was Henry Blake was going to say before he said it.  That was the kind of joke what would've gotten old pretty fast on television.  He was never as interesting or funny as the leads of the show were (especially Alan Alda) but as a member of the ensemble cast, he was fine.

Did you watch AfterM*A*S*H?  Yeah, a couple of episodes, but even my young, completely non-discrimating self realized it was an unfunny turd.  It needed more Hawkeye!  Hell, it could've used a sprinkling of BJ Hunicutt!

Did you know he played Charlie Brown?  I did not.  I don't think I've ever seen a performance of You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown.  Though I like some of the songs.

He was on Match Game a lot.  You love Match Game, right?  Oh yes.  Best. Gameshow. Ever.  But sort of like on M*A*S*H, he was overshadowed by funnier people.  I can't really remember seeing him on Match Game, though his Wikipedia page says he was on 428 episodes.  Eep.

Is his name really Gary?  No, it's Radar.  Actually, it's Gary Rich Burghoff.

Do you know why he was named Gary?  Gary Cooper was at the height of his fame so, probably in honor of the actor.

"Big" "Announcement"

(I found this image there.)

Surely something you know about me is, despite an almost embarrassing lack of natural ability, I love to be on the radio.  If any radio station in town gave me a daily 2am to 6am slot to just play music & be ridiculous on the air, I'd do it.  (I'd want to be able to pick the music I played, but I'm not going to double-down on this flight of fancy with a list of conditions because that's like making plans on how you're going to spend your money right after your bought your first lottery ticket.)  So when I discovered that new community radio station WLXL needed volunteers, I volunteered.  I am always glad to help out, but I did hope I'd eventually get a show there.  & now I have!

Premiering tomorrow night (that's Saturday), I'm doing a show from 7-9pm called Cradle To Grave.  The premise is dumb but simple: during the first hour of the show, I'll be playing music from artists who were born on the day of the show, & in the second hour, I'll be playing music from artists who died on the day of the show.  Obviously, tomorrow is Saturday the 21st, so if you love an artist who was born on that day, or who died on that day, there's something of a chance that you'll hear them tomorrow.  (How big a chance I can't say.  I mean, we might not have the same taste in music, you know.)

Who was born on November 21st?  Well, there's K.C. Douglas, Charlie Palmieri, Dr. John, & Alex James, to just name four of the folks you'll hear tomorrow.  Who died on November 21st?  Oh, there's Jim Eanes, Hadda Brooks, Robert Lockwood, & Matthew Ashman, to name four more folks you'll hear tomorrow.

If that sounds like fun, tune your radio dial to 95.7 fm in Lexington &/or tune your computer dial to the WLXL web page & click the "Listen Now" button.

Yes, I'll archive the shows for a short time on the Self Help Radio web page, but they're time-sensitive, aren't they?  Good for a day?  Something like that?

Maybe you'll listen?

Self Help Radio 111715: Stuck

(Original image here.)

Stuck in your life?  Your relationship?  Your career?  Your garage?  Then please don't listen to this week's Self Help Radio.  It may depress the hell out of you.  & not in the regular way!

The show features an interview with a fellow who's been stuck to a piece of wood for almost two decades!  Also, an unhappy Mark Miller calls to talk about how he's feeling stuck in a rut.  & I feature another installment of that forgettable series Dramatic Readings Of Classic Rocks Songs.  Plus the regular assortment of songs, this week all about being stuck.  Like you expect.

Listen now!  Don't wait till you're stuck somewhere & it's the only option you have!  It's at the Self Help Radio website.  If you get stuck & forget about the password, that information is on the page.  It's in two parts.  The songs in the two parts are listed below.

& thanks for listening!  I'm glad you stuck around.

(part one)

"Stuck" Birthmark _Antibodies_
"Stuck" Butterglory _Downed_
"Stuck" Pulses _Dirtnap Across The Northwest_

"Stuck Up Blues" Roy Acuff _Night Train To Memphis_
"Don't Be Stuck Up" Paul Hampton _Rockin' Doll_
"Little Miss Stuck Up" The Playmates _At Play With The Playmates_
"Mr. Stuck-Up" Christine Quaite _Gems One_
"Stuck Up" Shirley Gunter _Soulful Kinda Ladies_

"Safety Pin Stuck In My Heart" Patrick Fitzgerald _1 2 3 4: Punk & New Wave 1976-1979_
"Stuck Under My Shoe" The Dirtbombs _ If You Don't Already Have A Look_
"How Stuck Are You" Skating Polly _Skating Polly_
"Stuck On You" Sardine V _Inner City Sound: Australian Punk & Post-Punk_

"Stuck In The Middle" Astropuppees _Yo _u Win The Bride_
"An Orchid Stuck Inside Her Throat" Comet Gain _Paperback Ghosts_

(part two)

"Stuck On You" Elvis Presley _From Nashville To Memphis: The Essential 60s Masters_
"I'm Stuck" Jerry Reed _Capitol Rockabilly_
"Doing The Unstuck" The Cure _Wish_

"Stuck With You" Zones _Kilt By Death: The Sound Of Old Scotland_
"(I'm Stuck In A Pagoda With) Tricia Toyota" The Dickies _Dawn Of The Dickies_
"Stuck In A Movie!" Aquabats _Charge!!_
"Stuck Up A Hornbeam" Half Man Half Biscuit _Urge For Offal_

"Still Stuck Out Here" The Ocean Party _Soft Focus_
"Your Words Are Still Stuck In My Head" Garlands _The Garlands EP_
"Stuck In Transit" Slow Children _Slow Children_
"Stuck" Magazine _The Correct Use Of Soap_

"Stuck Inside Of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again" Bob Dylan _Blonde On Blonde_

Whither Stuck?

(I found this image here.)

Confession time: I would be lying if I told you that I didn't think of the idea of doing a show with the theme "stuck" when I discovered that we were not moving to Los Angeles.  I wisely decided not to do a show in which I bemoan the fact that I was stuck in Lexington as my first show as a podcast.  I don't enjoy rubbing salt into my own wounds.

Honestly, I forgot all about the theme until a few weeks ago.  I found it sitting forlorn in a folder of possible themes.  I had done lots of legwork for it.  I figured, I'll do it now.  I don't feel stuck in Lexington at the moment, I'm enjoying the show, I think at least some people with questionable taste are liking Self Help Radio, I might as well do a show about being stuck.

It'll be sticking from 4-6pm today on 88.1 fm in Lexington, & also here, there, & everywhere things adhere at wrfl dot fm.  As usual, when it's done in real time, I'll stick it till it's stuck over at self help radio dot net.  But that's tomorrow.  Today's it's just sticky.

Hope you'll listen in!

Preface To Stuck: Sticky?

Looking over the Self Help Radio "themes index" page, I was certain I had done a show with the theme "sticky."  It turns out, the closest to "stuck" I had explored was a show from eight years ago (!) with the theme "glue."

"Sticky" doesn't preclude "stuck," although "stuck" doesn't imply "sticky."  I believe I learned that in Kant's Critique Of Pure Reason:

Stickiness, by means of sensation alone, is stuck in only one moment, that is, if I do not take into consideration a succession of many sticky sensations. In the phenomenon, the tackiness of which is not a successive synthesis stuck to parts to an agglutinative representation, being sticky has therefore no extensive syrupiness; the want of sticky in a moment of time would represent it as stuck, consequently stuck stickied. That which in the viscous intuition corresponds to stick is stuck (stick to sticked, stuck up to stick down); that which corresponds to the absence of it, unsticky. Consequently, sticky doesn't preclude stuck, whereas it can be shown that stuck does not imply sticky.

See?  Told you so.  Not that I understand any of that, of course.  I Kant really get into it.

Ho ho ho.

Oh - I have interesting news coming up in regards to me doing another regular radio show but can I tell you after this week's show?  I'm not done with it yet.  & I need to watch Fargo tonight!

I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris

Paris.  Sometimes people who write these blogs get the sense that they have to comment on things that are happening around them, but, if you're even glanced at this blog, you'll know I don't feel that responsibility at all.  In fact, today someone was playing songs about Paris on RFL, & I thought myself somewhat callous for not doing a show about Paris this week.

The truth is, I have nothing to say that could possibly help the people of that great city, nor offer consolation to anyone who values our way of life, where tolerance & inclusion are celebrated.  Someone more eloquent than I pointed out that the people who were targeted, the people who died, they were out on a Friday night having a good time: eating, seeing shows, listening to music, socializing, living.  I'm not sure I know how to respond to an enemy who find such things not simply distasteful or abhorrent, but worthy of homicide.

Maybe at some point I'll attempt a show about dear Paris.  I loved the city when I visited & hope I can visit again some day.  The people there are strong, & will recover, & will find their way.  The secular European social democracies may just be a greater experiment than the American one, so hard-fought & hard-won are their principles.

One other thing: I've turned off & ignored the outrage from those who wish to politicize the event & those who enjoy being outraged for the sake of outrage.  It does one no good to get down into some ideological pit with people incapable of seeing the world other than the white to everyone else's black.  Honestly, those folks deserve only pity, & to remain unheard.

My favorite response was from a Charlie Hebdo cartoonist, who wrote a cartoon about the attacks, which you can read (translated) here.  I choked up with this one, which I believe with all my heart:

It says, "They never succeed."  & they won't, if we don't let them.

The Gary Files # 8: Gary Coleman

(I found this image here.)

An explanation: Since the name Gary is going extinct, I thought it incumbent upon me to celebrate more notable Garys than myself.  This is the eighth of a series!

Gary Coleman was, according to the Wikipedia, "an American actor, voice artist, & comedian, best known for his role as Arnold Jackson in Diff'rent Strokes (1978–1986) & for his small stature as an adult."

When did you first become aware of him?  The television show Diff'rent Strokes, of course.

Did you watch all eight years of the show?  Oh no.  I probably stopped watching it around the time I went to high school.  But before that, yeah, I watched the show a lot.

Did you like it?  Here's the thing.  There was a time in my childhood when the television was always on.  You just watched it.  Only later, probably after puberty, did one start thinking, "Oh, this is good" or "Man, this sucks."  Watching television was something that I came to think critically about once I was taught to think critically.  So the clichéd & preposterous hijinks of Arnold & Willis in a rich white man's household were not nearly as interesting to me as, say, a situation comedy set in World War II German POW camp.  I could appreciate that sort of nonsense!

Do you remember when you decided you wouldn't watch the show?  It's important to understand that I was horrified when Ronald Reagan became president.  I wasn't a Democrat or a Republican then, but I understood he was a charlatan who was there to reward the rich people who supported him.  Plus, he was a religious nutjob who talked about nuclear armageddon in a more or less positive light.  I went to bed every night for the first half of the eighties expecting to die in an atomic bomb apocalypse.  So when his bird-boned wife appeared on a very special episode, I knew I couldn't watch the show anymore.

Do you remember when he ran for governor of California?  I do!  It was after Gray Davis' recall.  Everyone ran for governor, & of course the Terminator won.  Coleman himself received over twelve thousand votes!

Did you know his growth was stunted by a disease?  Yes, I just read that.  He suffered from "focal segmental glomerulosclerosis, an autoimmune kidney disease," & had two kidney transplants, both unsuccessful, & had to have daily dialysis.  A fucked up way to live.

Do you know how he died?  Yeah, he feel down the stairs, & suffered an epidural hematoma.  He possibly had seizures.  He was 42.  It's crazy that, during the time he was on Diff'rent Strokes, he & I were the same age.  He was born less than a month after I was.

Is his name really Gary?  Yes, Gary Wayne Coleman, though he was adopted.  I don't know if that was his birth name - it probably wasn't - his adopted parents' name was Coleman.

Do you know why he was named Gary?  I assume his adopted parents had their reasons.

Self Help Radio 111015: Turtles

(Original image here.)

Yay turtles!  Listen: turtles loved yesterday's show.  How do I know?  I know because I got zero - that means none - calls from turtles complaining about the quality of the show!  That hardly ever happens!  Which is why I need to do more reptile-based shows.  Otherwise, it's complaining, complaining, complaining from turtles, snakes, alligators - & those guys get on the phone & they're mean.  They make me cry, sometimes.

No matter!  The turtles are happy, & perhaps you will be too.  In addition to tons of turtle songs (all listed below), I interview the famous internet sensation Turtle Man, I talk to a gerontologist who studies the longevity of turtles, & I talk to the turtle-ish Mark Miller in Hollywood.  I can guarantee that for the length of the time you listen to the show, you will not get any complaints from turtles!

The show is in its shell at the Self Help Radio website.  Psst!  Pay attention to password information on the page.  Otherwise: turtle complaints!  Enjoy both parts of the show which, in played in succession in real time, approximate what the actual show as it aired sounded like!

Turtles!

(part one)

"Turtles" PBNJ Buchanan _SHR: Take Carapace_
"The Turtle Song" Connie Haines with the Russ Case Orchestra _The Heart & Soul Of Connie_
"Green Turtle" Burl Ives _A Little Bitty Tear: The Nashville Year 1961-1965_
"Turtles & Trees" Bobby Sherman _Here Comes Bobby_
"Turtle" Tuna Helpers _I'll Have What She's Having_

"Little Turtle" Joe Bennett & The Sparkletones _ABC/Paramount Rock & Roll Party, Vol. 1_
"Turtle" Ernie & Neal _Rock & Roll Band_
"Turtle Woman" Christopher Guest _Buy This Box Or We'll Shoot This Dog: The Best Of The National Lampoon Radio Hour_
"Turtle Crazy" Toy Dolls _Cheerio & Toodlepip!_

"The Hare & The Tortoise" Mercury Childcraft _The Hare & The Tortoise_
"The Tortoise & The Hare" Joan Gerber _The Story Lady_
"The Turtle & The Hare" The P.F. Flyers _Hollywood Maverick: The Gary S. Paxton Story_
"Tortoise & The Hare" The Moody Blues _Question Of Balance_
"Tortoise Regrets Hare" James Yorkston _When The Haar Rolls In_

"Turtle Island" Beach House _Devotion_
"Turtle Pond (feat. Mark Kozelek)" Desertshore _Drawing Of Threes_

(part two)

"Bert The Turtle (The Duck & Cover Song)" Dick "Two-Ton" Baker _Atomic Platters_
"Turtles" Professor Peter Schickele _Sneaky Pete & The Wolf_
"Tricky Turtle" Blockhead _The Music Scene_

"Turtle Bait" The Jazz Butcher _Cult Of The Basement_
"Data For The Turtle In The Maze" Kleenex Girl Wonder _Graham Smith Is The Coolest Person Alive_
"Turtle Songs Of North America" They Might Be Giants _Podcast Highlights_
"Turtle Shell" Cloud Cult _They Live On The Sun_

"Turtles Have Short Legs" Can _Radio Waves_
"Turtle" Artery _Into The Garden: An Artery Collection_
"Turtles" Moustache _Moustache_
"Who Would Understand A Turtle?" Lemuria _The First Collection_

"Turtle Beach" Eric Von Schmidt _2nd Right, 3rd Row_
"Turtles All The Way Down" Sturgill Simpson _Metamodern Sounds In Country Music_

Whither Turtles?

(This image - & many very cute others - are here.)

Hmm, didn't I tell you yesterday why I'm doing a show about turtles?  Someone asked me to.  Someone I know who, I might add, does not have a turtle as a pet.  But I guess you can just like turtles.  That's cool.  I loved cats for like twenty-six years before one befriended me.

Maybe also I told you I was gone all weekend, so this show is going to be a shambling mess.  I spend a great deal of time on my shows - not that you can tell - but I had to cram three or four days of listening, rearranging, planning, fretting, into a little over twenty-four hours.  I am a bit frantic & ill-prepared at this moment.

Please come watch me stumble & flail about & fall!  All in the name of turtles!  That's 4pm today on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington, & online at wrfl dot fm.  I'll archive it tomorrow at self help radio dot net but don't worry!  I'll leave it as big a mess as it happened.  I am terrible at polishing turds.

See you then!

Preface To Turtles: The Hunt For Turtle Songs

This is going to be a boring discussion (if you can have a discussion with yourself) about a dumb dilemma I sometimes have with the radio program I do.  It's about certain themes.

Themes will happen when I least expect them, & they'll often happen without a cursory glance about to see if there are enough songs to populate a radio show about that theme.  In the case of turtles, it was a suggestion from a friend.  "You should do a show about turtles," she said.  "Okay," I said, & put it on the calendar (I will often program requested shows sooner than the ones that spring from my poor imagination), without checking first if I have in my ramshackle music collection enough songs for two hours of turtle music.

The short answer is, I do.  The issue I had is, many of them are instrumental.

Of course a radio show that's all instrumental is fine.  I have programmed electronic & jazz & surf shows which featured predominantly non-vocal music.  But something about Self Help Radio makes me want to make sure that the songs at the very least mention the theme, or something relating to the theme.  I wanted to play the Sundays last week, on the poetry show, not because the word "poetry" was in the title of the song (it wasn't, the song was called "My Finest Hour"), but because I liked that singer Harriet Wheeler repeatedly sang, "Poetry is not for me," throughout the song.

Instrumental tracks can have the show's theme in their titles, & I usually play such tracks under or behind my voice during airbreaks.  But during the show?  Something about the song needs to speak to the show's topic that week beyond the title.

There are great jazz tunes with turtle in the title.  Ditto electronica.  What I discovered is that there aren't really all that many songs, period, about turtles.  Not even children's songs!  Rest assured, there are enough turtle songs to populate tomorrow's show, but I like to have a lot to choose from.  There weren't a lot.  Alas.

Don't worry about me - I think it'll be a good show.  & I think I shouldn't worry about such things, you know, because it's just a dumb radio show.  But still.  It's something I do fret about.

Okay, I'm Back - What? Sunday's Nearly Over?

Let me tell you, the worst thing about having eight awesome animals is that you miss the hell out of them when they're not around.  Of course, they didn't go anywhere - my friend Ben watched them - & I have to be honest, it was nice to not have to worry about them while I was in Texas.  So glad to be with them again though!  Four days away was rough.

Now I have to work on a show!  I should probably get some sleep.

Any thoughts about Texas?  Look, I've complained about this before: there's not a vegetarian or vegan restaurant within sixty miles of Lexington, & places that have vegan options (of which there are maybe five) seem to have them begrudgingly.  Going to Dallas, you have not only amazing Ethiopian food (Lalibela), but possibly the best all-vegan diner in the world (Spiral Diner), among other treats (like vegan donuts at Glazed Donut Works, which has a vegan donut choice every damn day*).  Then we went to Austin for a day, where we discovered an extraordinary vegetarian (many items vegan!) food truck called Shhmaltz (the Reuben is divine, the Bob Dylan is a revelation), & I had breakfast (vegan pancakes, yum) at the same old Kerbey Lane (now twice its size) that I went to twenty-seven years ago, & pretty much all the time until five years ago.  Gah!  So much food!

Also I got to see dear friends whom I never really ever get to see.  That was better than all the food in the world.

Oh no!  Look at the time!  Radio show!  Sending tee shirts out!  Maybe even getting sleep?

* I called a hip new donut place here in Lexington & asked if they served vegan donuts.  The person on the other line said, "Why would we do that?"

On Vacation

Your fumbling host is having a weekend getaway to the exotic wilds of Texas (I hope I am spelling that right - I'm not sure what language that is) this weekend, so posting here is going to be light or maybe even nonexistent (well, okay, not that).  Please excuse.  Irregularly regular posting should resume when I'm back in town Sundayish.

Self Help Radio 110315: Poetry

(Original image here.)

Ooo, Self Help Radio got all literary & shit this week, with a highbrow show about poetry.  All the pseudo-intellectuals were there.  Who was there?  Let me see.  There was me.  & that was enough!

Also: I talked to a professor who's written a book called "Anyone Can Write Poetry."  We returned to our never-popular "Talk Back" segment to hear a listener tell us why he doesn't like poetry.  & I cold-called my spiritual advisor the Reverend Doctor Howard Gently, who was kind enough to share his insights about poetry.  Of course plenty of swell music.  About poetry.  & poets.  Like I said: highbrow.

There was a rumor that listening to this show will count as a three-credit college English class credit, but I can neither confirm nor deny that I totally made that up.  I suggest you take it up with the bursar.  Or the ombudsman.  Or the registrar.  Or any bureaucratic office on campus whose actual duties are confusingly named.

The show is now at the Self Help Radio website for your listening - er, enjoyment?  Maybe?  Please remember the password information, or don't, as it's written on the page.  The show is in two hour-long parts.  What are in the parts I have noted below.

Try to guess the show's rhyme scheme!

(part one)

"Mr. Poem" Mike Batt _Mr. Poem_
"San Francisco Poet" Nikki Sudden _Crown Of Thorns_
"Poet" Sly & The Family Stone _There's A Riot Goin' On_

"Poets Problem" Blondie _Plastic Letters_
"Poets Turmoil No. 364" Anne Clark _Changing Places_
"Poems" Bo Burnham _WHAT._
"Bad Poetry" Soko _My Dreams Dictate My Reality_
"She's Never Read My Poems (7" mix)" Television Personalities _She's Never Read My Poems EP_

"Poetry Of Destruction" Andrei Codrescu _No Tacos For Saddam_
"Poet, Fool, Or Bum" Lee Hazlewood _Poet, Fool, Or Bum_
"The Old Poet" The Palisades _A Month Too Soon 12"_
"Poetry Man" Phoebe Snow _Phoebe Snow_

"It's Not A Poem" Brideshead _Some People Have All The Fun_
"Not Poetry" Milky Wimpshake _Popshaped_
"Dead Poets" Lida Husik _Fly Stereophonic_

(part two)

"Dead Poets Make Me Smile" Bubblegum Lemonade _Some Like It Pop_
"The Poet's Dead" Rah Rah _The Poet's Dead_

"Cemetry Gates" The Smiths _The Queen Is Dead_
"Sister I'm A Poet" Colin Meloy _Colin Meloy Sings Morrissey_
"The Uncertainty Of The Poet" Kurt Elling featuring Stefon Harris & Laurence Hobgood _Man In The Air_
"Physics For Poets" Patton Oswalt _Werewolves & Lollipops_
"Teenage Poetry" Suburban Kids With Biblical Names _# 2 EP_

"Poetry In Motion" Bobby Vee _The Very Best_
"Poet For A Generation" Charlie Fawn _Charlie Fawn_
"Profit In Your Poetry" Butcher Boy _Profit In Your Poetry_
"My Finest Hour" The Sundays _Reading, Writing & Arithmetic_

"Poet Is Priest..." Julian Cope _Jehovahkill_
"Chatterton" Mick Harvey _Intoxicated Man_
"A Poem On The Underground Wall" Simon & Garfunkel _Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, & Thyme_
"Pop Art Poem" The Jam _Sound Affects_
"Love Poems To The Lovely Juanita Beasley" Andy Griffith _This Here Andy Griffith_

Whither Poetry?

(I found this image here.)

Confession time: I used to write poetry.  I might even share some with you if you ask.  But it was pretty bad.  & that's okay, because most poetry is pretty bad.  I once compared poets with singer-songwriters - the vast majority of each are most probably going to be churning out god-awful material.

There was a conundrum I had to deal with in regards to this show, which is this: should the show be about poets & poetry, or should it be songs that are inspired by poems?  Or perhaps songs that were actual poems, set to music?  I decided to go with the former.  It doesn't mean that I won't do the latter at some point, but today the show will focus on songs about poetry & poets in general.

Will there also be an interview with someone who wrote a book called "Everyone Can Write Poetry"?  Will a listener who hates poetry get a chance to explain why?  Will I maybe decide to telephone my spiritual mentor?  What will a radio program about poetry sound like, anyway?

You'll have to listen to find out!  It's on from 4 to 6 pm on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington, & online at wrfl dot fm.  I'll archive it tomorrow at the Self Help Radio website, but it might sound more rehearsed then.  It may be more like a slam poetry night if you listen live.

(Seriously, I have no idea what I'm talking about.)

Preface To Poetry: 2200!!

Oh yaz, we have now reached post number two two zero zero commonly known as twenty-two hundred or two thousand & two hundred - & no one's really very excited about it except me.

That's cool.  I am perfectly able to appreciate the achievement ("achievement") without you throwing me a party or baking me a cake or even saying "congrats!" in the comments section of this very blog.  Just like I've gone several weeks at a time doing my radio show without a single caller.  I understand I operate in near obscurity.

Here's some news, though: the shirts for the 13th Anniversary should arrive this week.  Alas, I'll be out of town this weekend.  But I'll start sending them out next week.  I hope they look good.  I'm pretty excited.

One of my oldest friends is a poet.  His name is Dale Smith, & he may be my only close friend who has a Wikipedia page.  He's quite good, too.  I asked him if maybe he'd like to write poems for my show, & he was very sweet & wrote a very touching one for my kitchen show this summer, & the wife asked me today why I didn't involve him in my show this week.

Here's the thing: while the songs I play are usually pretty seriously about the theme, most of my airbreaks are designed to be entertaining.  (Just because they may not be is mostly my fault.)  Dale is a pretty serious damned poet.  I felt weird presenting his talent in the midst of my farce.  So I haven't asked him again.  Honestly, I think he was just humoring me the first time!  Self Help Radio is several levels below his pay grade.

The past few days I have been wondering if he'd like this week's show.  I won't tell him about it - the whole idea embarrasses me.

But!  I soldier through!  Tomorrow!  A show about poetry!  That might even feature some poetry!  But!  Today!  An accomplishment!  2200 posts on this stupid blog!

Damn it!  I should've written a poem about it!