Whither Umbrellas?

(Image from here.)

Every week right before my show, I take a moment to reflect upon why this week's show is about whatever theme.  Sometimes it's hard to say - ideas for shows come at the weirdest times from the weirdest places in the weirdest ways.  But not this week!  I know exactly why this week's show is about umbrellas.  Because Jenny Adkins requested it!  In fact, she had such confidence in the subject that she entitled the email she sent me, "Brilliant theme idea alert!"

You didn't hear that from me.  But you will hear a show about umbrellas tonight from 9-11pm eastern, 8-10pm central, on WLXU 93.9 fm in Lexington & online at Lexington Community Radio online (make sure you pick WLXU)!  You be the judge of Jenny's theme-picking skills, & not, as usual, of my radio-making skills.

Oh, & by the way - I won't be able to put the show up on the website till Sunday.  So if you need a show about umbrellas to keep you warm - please listen tonight!

Preface To Umbrellas: A Short History Of Gary's Umbrellas

The ephemera in our lives - the clothes, the shoes, the things we have - there's something weird about how ultimately little they mean to us.  Because except for extraordinary items - expensive things, perhaps, or things we really, really wanted - we forget all about them.

Or maybe it's just me.

Because I was searching my memory to see if there were some umbrellas I've owned of which I was fond.  & frankly I can only remember the umbrella that my wife had which we used to keep in the car.  I don't know where it's gone now.

But there had to be other umbrellas in my life!  It does rain in Texas from time-to-time!  Bought or stolen, borrowed or found, umbrellas have definitely been in my possession or somewhat nearby when needed for most of my life.  For example, I've never bought an umbrellas in a store after I've been caught in the rain.  That's kind of a cliché, right?  The umbrellas are more expensive then?  But I can't remember doing that.

Ever heard of a memory palace?  I don't have the patience to do something like that but I have been, for the last few minutes, thinking about places I've lived, & wondered where the umbrella I must've owned was.  Mostly I think I've had those small, cheap, black umbrellas that are small & easy to carry (& lose).  Where are they in my bedroom when I was in the 11th grade, in 1985?  In the duplex I lived in in 1995?  In the house in Austin in 2005?  In the rental in Lexington in 2009?  In this house in which I now live in Fort Worth?  I have no idea.

Maybe you have a better umbrella story.  I hope so.  I'm doing a show about the damn things tomorrow!

This Was In Our Neighbor's Yard This Weekend

(Eek!)

That's a Great Plains Rat Snake.  This weekend we were in Dallas seeing Morrissey (this was the third time we'd bought tickets to see the Great Man; he had cancelled two previous shows) (here's a web site that lists all his cancelled shows up to 2014) & the neighbors called us to tell us they had seen a copperhead in their yard.  They took pictures & even video.  They were warning us to keep our pups indoors.

The neighbor came over tonight to tell me that he went to the zoo & talked to a herpetologist, who identified the picture right away as not a copperhead but a great plains rat snake.  I am confused as to whether I should capitalize breeds of snake.  According to this website, "[A]nimal names are not capitalized ('I spotted a red-tailed hawk,' not 'I spotted a Red-Tailed Hawk'), except when an element of the name is a proper noun, as in 'Steller's jay' & 'Siberian tiger.'"  So, Great Plains rat snake?  & copperhead?

We live very close to a lake, so I suppose I knew I'd be seeing snakes from time-to-time.  I'd totally freak out if I saw that baby up there, who's not venomous, but who will bite.  I also found myself admiring the snake specialist; I'd love to be able to know a snake type on sight!

The herpetologist believes the snake made its way back to the lake or in the ground.  In any event, it's not a threat to the pooches, & is only a threat to me inasmuch as I would ruin a perfectly good pair of pants if I saw it.

Now With Captions!

Hilarity may ensue.

You may perhaps know that Self Help Radio has a Tumblr page.  I am not entirely sure what Tumblr is or how it's any different from other things like Instagram & Blogger, but I jumped on the bandwagon at some point &, having nothing really to say about the show, I just started posting pictures I took on it.

You see, I like to take pictures.  I am completely aware that I have no natural skill at it, & also that the camera I use is not that great, but it amuses me, plus as I collect pictures, I am able to use them, if I happen to look back at them, to see what I might have been doing or where I happened to be at the time.  It's a help to a fading memory.  Initially I just randomly posted them, including pictures of my dogs & cats as well, since I take as many pictures of them as most parents take of their children.

Something hit me a few weeks back.  I thought, "Why don't I caption them?"  & then I thought, "That's boring."  Then I asked myself, "Why don't you caption them in an amusing way?"  I thought back to myself, "But I'm not very amusing."  Then I thought, "Oh well, what'll it hurt?"

So now I randomly post them, but I add captions.  Innovation!

For example, the caption to the picture above reads, this picture would have been much better if dallas would just stand fucking still.  Is that funny?  I thought so.  Maybe you'd find my pictures interesting & my captions funny.  If so:

Self Help Radio on Tumblr.  It has nothing to do with the show, which might recommend it to you after all.

Self Help Radio 041217: Blondes

(Original, not-as-disturbing image here.)

It's turns out that radio shows about blondes do have more fun!  Well, at least I had some fun.  Stereotypes were reaffirmed & simultaneously dismantled, attitudes were ultimately unaffected, peroxide bottles were left scattered in the hall.  & the other radio shows!  They started treating Self Help Radio differently, assuming the poor thing was a little dumb, but also kinda hitting the show, too.  Very disturbing.  & confusing!  Who knew radio show had libidos?

(Note to self: a radio show about libidos might be fun.)

In any event, Self Help Radio is glad its hair is going grey.  Going grey?!?  You're not even fifteen years old!  Silly thing.

The show, in all its golden glory, is now available at the Self Help Radio website.  The songs played on the show are below.  Now say it with me, "You don't have to be blonde to like this show, but it helps!"  Great!  Let's crochet that onto a knitted pillow.

(part one)

"The Blue Eyed Blonde Next Door" George Formby _The Ukelele Man_
"Peroxide Blond" Hank Penny _Crazy Rhythm: The Standard Transcriptions_
"Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes" Ray Smith _Rockin' Little Angel: The Sun Years, Plus_
"Long Blond Hair, Red Rose Lips" Johnny Powers _Rockin' Bones: 1950s Punk & Rockabilly_

"He's My Blonde-Headed, Stompie Wompie, Real Gone Surfer Guy" Little Pattie & The Statesmen _Hey, Beach Girls! Female Surf 'n' Drag 1961-1966_
"They Prefer Blondes" The Banshees _Back From The Grave, Volume One_
"The Girl With The Sandy Blonde Hair" Perpetuated Spirits Of Turpentine _Aliens Psychos & Wild Things Volume Fore_
"Dumb Blonde" Dolly Parton _Dolly_
"Platinum Blonde" Blondie _The Platinum Collection_

"Blonde Fever" The Diodes _Tired Of Waking Up Tired_
"I've Had It With Blondes" Cud _Elvis Belt_
"'Cause I'm A Blonde" Julie Brown _Earth Girls Are Easy OST_
"You're Not Blonde & Stupid, But Nobody's Perfect" The Bedflowers _Songs: Summer 1990_

"Blonde" The Wedding Present _Seamonsters_
"Dirty Blonde (Demo)" Summer Fiction _Himalaya_

(part two)

"Blonde Angel" Jacobites _God Save Us Poor Sinners_
"Episode Of Blonde" Elvis Costello _When I Was Cruel_

"Long Blonde" The Long Blondes _Singles_
"Leggy Blonde (feat. Rhys Darby)" Flight Of The Conchords _Flight Of The Conchords_
"Born Blonde" Hunx & His Punx _Street Punk_
"Blond Adonis" Future Bible Heroes _Memories Of Love_

"Just Because I'm Blonde" Dollyrots _Whiplash Splash_
"Big Blonde" Aidan Moffat & The Best-Ofs _How To Get To Heaven From Scotland_
"Down & Dusky Blonde" God Help The Girl _God Help The Girl (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)_
"Born Blonde" Wild Moccasins _Skin Collision Past_

"Sometimes A Blonde" Robyn Hitchcock _Spooked_
"My P'roxide Blond" Toby Stroud _MGM Hillbilly, Vol. 1_

Whither Blondes?

(Found here.)

Do you believe the stereotype about blondes?  Are they naïve, ditzy, downright dumb?  Do they really have more fun?  More fun than whom?  Brunettes?  Redheads?  Baldies?*  Are they innocents whom men use & ruin, or bombshells who prey on men & use their wiles to ruin the lives of others?

These questions may be asked & even more uncertainly answered on tonight's episode of Self Help Radio, which explores "blondes."  Blonde-headed women &, to be fair, also some blonde-headed men.  Who have, it's true, escaped the stigma of the stereotype unless it's combined with something else, like being a model or a sportsball player.  In any event: blondes are our focus tonight.

Invite the blondes in your life to listen!  Share you opinions on the Facebook &/or the Twitter if you're around.  & listen, of course, from 9-11pm eastern, 8-10pm central, on 93.9 fm WLXU in Kentucky & online at LCR dot org.

Even if blondes don't have more fun, I think radio shows about blondes are more fun.

* Baldies isn't a slur, is it?

Preface To Blondes: One More Blonde Gary Picture

Since you must've loved the picture of blonde Gary from 1988, here's one from maybe 1995, in my office in the computer lab in Batts 232, a space which no longer exists.  (The building's still there, but they gutted it & rearranged the floors.)

There are so many things to say about this photo.

First of all, that's a fucking Quadra I believe.  Holy shit, I loved playing Civilization on that machine.

Second of all, I'm totally rocking the first-generation Talk Soup tee-shirt.  That's from the Greg Kinnear era!

Third of all, my hair is blonde not because I dyed it blond but because I had to bleach it to add some color to it, & eventually because I am lazy the color just faded.

Fourth, I clipped my nephew Josh out of this picture - I'm smiling at him - because he felt it was unflattering.  The photo was taken when he visited that summer & I was showing him my office - the lab to the right in the photo was closed, so the lights were out.

I met someone around this time in person that I had only known online & he reported to me that I looked "like a viking."

Here's A Picture Of A Twenty-Year-Old Gary With Blonde Hair

Pick one:
1) I'm Sorry.
2) You're Welcome.

& yes, as I discussed back here, my left ear is indeed pierced.  I believe I had an ankh in it.

Angular Frequency

This is a very boring post about driving.  I drive to Dallas now to volunteer at KNON more often than I ever drove to Louisville or Cincinnati which were more or less the same distance from Lexington as Dallas is from Fort Worth.  Okay, that's not true.  To get from my home to KNON takes between 45 & 55 minutes in non-rush-hour conditions while it took about seventy minutes to get from my house to the average place I went to in Louisville (say, Queen Of Sheba Ethiopian Restaurant), & about ninety minutes to get to an average place I went to in Cincinnati (say, Mac's Pizza Pub).  So it's not true at all.  Dallas is far closer to Fort Worth than Cincinnati or Louisville were from Lexington.  Not that that is in conflict with the point I was going to make, it's just that I thought Dallas was as far away from me (or as close to me) as at least Louisville was when I was in Kentucky & that's kinda fucked me up for a minute.

For example, I often thought of volunteering at Louisville's low-power FM station, ArtXFM, & was thinking, Hey, if I had done that, it would have been the same as I'm doing now, driving back & forth to Dallas three times a week.  But it would've been a longer commute.  Safer, undoubtedly - except maybe in the winter, & certainly with the exception that I am not at all likely to hit a deer on I-30 in Grand Prairie, while that was always a chance on the entire drive to Louisville.  I had also, during a semester off at WRFL, thought about volunteering at WAIF in Cincinnati - I actually proposed doing Self Help Radio there - that's a story for another time - but I can't imagine driving ninety minutes each way now.

Has this ever happened to you?  Have you been about to say something & then you had the nagging feeling your facts were all wrong or at least somewhat off & so you were like, Let me check those facts, & then suddenly the fact that your facts were all wrong makes you reconsider what you were about to say?  Because that's happening to me now.  I had brunch in Dallas today (at the amazing V-Eats) & I was wondering why I didn't go more to eat vegan food in Louisville or Cincinnati.  The answer now, I see, is that because it was sometimes twice as far away.  (V-Eats, it says, is 38 miles from our Fort Worth home.)  I enjoy driving as much as the next guy (if that guy generally enjoys driving), but that was time away from our animals, & time on the road, which is always inherently unsafe.

Well.  This isn't quite the boring post about driving I was going to write.  It's more a boring post about getting waylaid in the process of writing a boring post about driving.  With links to three restaurants, which seems a little too much.  Plus, when I put my old Kentucky address into Google maps, I saw a picture of our old house, & I miss that house.  I put together six years of radio shows in that house!  My beloved dog George died in that house, & we raised Pauline from a pup in that house.  Our lovely cat Boone followed us home to that house, & I learned how to make passable vegan meals for my sweet wife in that house.  Shit, now I'm getting all sentimental.

Was this post going to be about bad drivers?  I think so.  Who cares anymore.  I am going to live in my memories for the rest of the night.  Excuse me.

Self Help Radio 040517: Diamonds

(Original image here.)

Here are the first few search phrases that pop into Google (for me at least) when I type in the word "diamond": backs, rings, earrings, jacks, resorts, direct, & silk.

Diamondbacks are terrifying snakes but also apparently a sportsball team, so the snakes get short shrift in a search engine game.  Which serves them right!

Diamond rings & earrings make sense, they're popular jewelry items, although it would seem weird to order gems on the internet.  But what do I know.

Diamond Jacks is a casino in Shreveport.  I thought for a second it would be a reference to the jack of diamonds in the card deck, & maybe it is, but probably not.  For the record, I avoided playing card references for this show, thinking there might be a playing card themed show in the future.

Diamond Resorts is a timeshare company out of Las Vegas.

Diamond Direct is jewelry store in Dallas.

Diamond & Silk are Youtube personalities that I have never heard of.

Nowhere was there anything about Self Help Radio's diamond show!  I'm beginning to think that, after nearly fifteen years of doing this show, I labor in obscurity!  Or maybe the show is just a diamond in the rough.

Well, dig deep for something of value & let me know what comes up.  The show is at the Self Help Radio website & the songs played on the show (in its two parts) are list below.  Pay attention to username/password info, on the page.  & be careful!  This diamond show is hard as a diamond!

(part one)

"Diamonds" by Shmu _Shhh!!!!_
"Diamonds" by The Bats _The Deep Set_
"Diamonds" by Lisa Germano _No Elephants_

"This Diamond Ring" by Sammy Ambrose _You Heard It Here First!_
"(Gary, Please Don't Sell) My Diamond Ring" by Wendy Hill _(Gary, Please Don't Sell) My Diamond Ring_
"Diamonds Are For Never" by Adam Quesnell _Can We Afford This Much Despair?_
"Diamond Ring" by Boothby _Homemade Hits Vol. 1_
"Diamond Ring" by The New Basement Tapes _Lost On The River_

"Diamonds Are Forever" by Cinerama _Health & Efficiency_
"Diamond Meadows" by T. Rex _T. Rex_
"Diamond Boys" by Smith Westerns _Smith Westerns_
"Diamonds In The Mine" by Leonard Cohen _Songs Of Love & Hate_

"Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds (Takes 6, 7, & 8)" by The Beatles _Anthology 2_
"Glass Diamond Green Roses" by Matthew Melton _Outside Of Paradise_
"Sparkling Diamonds" by Wild Man Fischer _Nothing Scary_

(part two)

"Diamonds & Rubies" by Boycrazy _Foreign Words_
"Diamonds & Coffeecake" by Old Hickory _The Patio Collection, Volume Two_
"Diamonds & Gold" by Tom Waits _Rain Dogs_

"Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend" by Julie London _Whatever Julie Wants_
"The Diamond" by Arlene Golonka & Betty Walker _Bob Booker & George Foster Present: You Don't Have To Be Jewish_
"She's A Diamond" by Opal _Early Recordings_
"She's Got Diamonds In Her Hair" by Biff Bang Pow! _Bertula Pop_
"Diamonds" by The Mekons _Natural_

"Diamond Age" by Blue Orchids _A View From The City 1980-1991_
"Diamond Dancer" by Bill Callahan _Rough Travel For A Rare Thing_
"Diamond Shine" by The Clean _Vehicle_
"Rough Gem" by Islands _Return To The Sea_

"Diamond Dogs" by David Bowie _Diamond Dogs_

Whither Diamonds?

(Image from here.)

After a few shows that were kinda challenging - searches for songs about ferris wheels & tails yielded far fewer results than I was expecting - my brain said to me, Hey.  Do an easy one.  Do a general one. Like cars.  Or trees.  Or things.  Or nouns.  Or words.

My brain prefers sleeping to being awake, & would love for me to ease up on the weirdo themes.  Somewhere along the way - probably while humming the song < href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqIHptgTam0">"Rough Gem"

by Islands - I thought to myself, Hey! I bet there are tons of songs about diamonds!  My brain, which was dozing at the time, said, I think words is a better theme. & went back to sleep.

Diamonds it was, then.  But then more problems! When there are too many songs, choices need to be made! & it's a whole other kind of challenging. Do I stick with one genre? Do I span time periods? Do I decide to forgo the more metaphorical songs? Just to spite myself, do I refuse to play songs I love?

You'll find out what I chose tonight from 8-10pm central, 9-11pm eastern, on 93.9 fm WLXU, which is also online, you know.  Come visit me on Twitter, I tweet along.

& remember: radio shows are a diamond's best friend!

Preface To Diamonds: No Jewelry On Me

My mother, who really isn't all that morbid, but who lives with a cracked sense of what she believes is expected from her*, will often talk about dying as if it's something she has any intention of doing.  But old people, you see, must chatter endlessly about it, she thinks, so she will halfheartedly do so.  One of the things she will talk about is who will get her jewelry when she dies.  My sister Pat often angered my mother by pointing out that she, my sister, didn't wear jewelry, so she wouldn't want to inherit it after she, my mother, died.**  This baffled my mother - after all, a woman is supposed to wear jewelry!  & owning it may even be better!

Now I have no idea if my mother has any diamonds nor do I care.  But when I think about diamonds I hear my sister's voice laughing at the idea that she would get from my mother useless trinkets that would just get rusty &/or dusty in a drawer somewhere.  Please note neither of us imagined that my mother's jewelry had any value.  My mother thinks they do, but we never did.

Maybe in the end I've worn more jewelry than my sister ever bothered to sling on out of obligation.  I have worn necklaces, usually ones given to me by girlfriends, & I've worn them until they wore out.  I also used to have both ears pierced, & wore different earrings every day, through most of the 1990s, which reminds me of a story.

Back in the day, there used to be a convoluted code about having one ear or the other pierced***.  The right one meant you were gay, the left one meant you were straight, the middle one meant you were bi - whatever.****  I had this friend named Gary Anderson I knew in high school.  We didn't go to the same high school, we met at a comic shop.  He liked elves.

Gary was pretty effeminate & was most probably gay.  I had no real understanding of such a thing but I liked hanging out with him because he had an active imagination, he liked to draw, & also comic books.  Well, Elfquest.  He liked Elfquest.

Three weird incidents made me think Gary might not be interested in girls.  The first one was, when I slept over one night, he kinda reached down, off his bed (I was on an air mattress), & started stroking my shoulder.  Unaccustomed to this, I simply pulled away, weirded out.  He didn't touch me again, & we never talked about it.  The second one was, when I was showing him my high school yearbook (probably for the tenth grade), he leapt back as if someone had struck him.  "Gary!" he said. "You let boys sign your yearbook!"  I said, "Of course I do.  All the people I know in school are boys."  His eyes wide, Gary asked me plaintively, "Won't people think you're gay?"  The third one was, he showed me, in his sketchbook, some pictures of naked girls he had drawn.  I said, "Ew, why are you showing these to me?"  He said, "I draw them for my friends at school.  It makes them get boners."

We didn't see each other much but saw each other every once in a while*****, & then I went away to college.  At some point in my first year of college, to piss someone off, I got my ears pierced.  My sister Karin took me to the mall, & I handled the first ear well, but when the woman started to pierce the second one, my rebellious brain started thinking, "Someone is punching metal into your flesh," & I got quite queasy.  I almost fainted.

Fast forward to the summer of 1987, & I'm home, wishing I were in Austin, but I'm walking from my sister Pat's house to the comic shop, which Google Maps says is two & a half miles away, but I was cutting through a park, when who should I run into but Gary******.  I hadn't seen him in over a year, & it was maybe the last time I saw him.  Probably not.  Probably the next to the last.

He said hello then looked as gobsmacked as he did when he saw male names in my yearbook.  "Gary!" he said.  "You pierced your left ear!"

(Or whatever ear it was supposed to be.  He didn't notice I had both ears pierced.)

"Yeah," I said, deadpan.  "I finally decided to come out."

"Oh!" Gary said happily.  "So did I!"

That line was a throwaway jibe I used to shut people up who were bothered by such things.  But Gary wouldn't have known that.  & most certainly it was an inelegant way to encourage someone to out themselves as gay to another.

The point is, I had a lot of earrings, but none of them were diamond.  Honestly, I find diamonds a little tacky.

* She gave me this sense, & it takes all my will power to drown those noises out.
** My sister Pat & I talked often about my mother's death & how it might affect us, so it's quite ironic Pat died before my mother.  Tragic, too.
*** Or this may still be true.
**** "Middle ear."
***** If I haven't told you already, remind me to tell you my Gary Anderson astral projection story.
****** He was going in the opposite direction from me. I don't know if I asked him where he was bound, but if I did, I don't remember what he said.  He lived near the comic book shop, so he was pretty far from home.

Oh No I Forgot

To Write Anything At All

In The Blog Today

Hashtag haiku
Hashtag lazy poetry
Hashtag late at night
Hashtag taghash
Hashtag hsahgat
Hashtag palindrome
Hashtag more hashtags than content
Hashtag
Hashta
Hasht
Hash
Has
Ha
Ha
Ha

Big Black X On The Calendar

In a fit of pique, you removed all the inserts & booklets from your CDs.  & you started stapling them to your walls.

I said, "That's going to make a mess when you take them down."

You said, "Who said I would ever take them down?"

I observed that more staples were wasted than actually used as you tried your best to secure the little booklets & inserts to the wall.

I said, "I did that a long time ago, with my albums."

You said, "I can get more on my wall with CD covers than you could with your stupid albums."

I remembered that, because the bedroom I shared with my little brother faced east, & because I liked to have the sun wake me in the mornings, & therefore left the curtains open all day long, many of the albums became faded by the sun.  But I didn't tell you that.

Instead I said, "Do you remember when you were shy?"

You didn't say anything.

I continued, "I was once out with you at an ice cream place & I saw someone I wrote clumsily romantic letters to, & I wanted to introduce you, but you wouldn't move, as though you were frozen in the booth."

You kept working.

I continued, "But the other day when we were at the coffee shop & my co-workers came in, you were very gregarious, asking lots of questions, making eye contact."

You said, not turning around, "What of it?"

I just sort of smiled weirdly.

You said, "I thought so."

I guess I ended up watching you stapling CD booklets to the wall until you got tired & then we just sort of sat there, admiring your work.

Self Help Radio 032917: Tails

(Original image - & you can play the game! - here.)

So many apologies for this week.  I am glad I was able to get the show done in time, but Tuesday night a storm ripped through the Metroplex & we woke up without power, a situation that lasted till Thursday afternoon.  Luckily it hasn't got unbearably hot here in Fort Worth.  But I wasn't able to listen to & live tweet the show like I do, as I am terrible doing such things on a tiny phone.  I hope you at least got to listen.

But if you didn't, here the show is.  My guests are very funny, I think the music is great, &, as always, there's a little of me but you can totally fast-forward - or whatever it's called when you do it to an mp3.

One thing I meant to do is share with you a picture of all the tails in my house, four doggy & four kitty tails, but you know, time, trauma, exhaustion, foreclosure, impudence, diffidence, apathy, ennui, dinnertime - things come up.  Ideas go missing.  A nap seems like a really, really good idea, only you're driving.

With all that in mind, the show is on the website, I hope you dig.  The songs I played are below.  I now have to go unlive-tweet it on Twitter, that's a real weird thing, but I like to tell folks there what I play, even if they look at it & say, "Who's this guy?"

(part one)

"Strange Tales, Strange Tails" XTC _Respectable Street_
"Who'll Tie The Bell (On The Old Cat's Tail)" Rosemary Clooney _Memories Of You_
"Gator Tail" Lee Dorsey _Yes We Can_

"Snakes, Snails, Puppy Dog Tails" Alma Cogan _Scratch My Back (New Rubble Vol. 5)_
"I've Got A Tiger By The Tail" The Derailers _Under The Influence Of Buck_
"In A Mermaid Tail" Po! _Horse Blanket Weather_
"Heads Or Tails" Shannon & The Clams _Dreams In The Rat House_

"Blue Tail, The Red Fox" Tex Ritter _High Noon_
"Monkey With Your Tail" The Cramps _Big Beat From Badsville_
"Salt On A Devil's Tail" Jack Teagarden _Has Anybody Here Seen Jackson?_
"Turn Tail" The Young Knives _Superabundance_

"Shake A Tail Feathers" The Five Du-Tones _Beg, Scream, & Shout! The Big Ol' Box Of '60s Soul_
"Pin The Tail On The Donkey" The Newcomers _The Complete Stax-Volt Soul Singles: 1968-1971_

(part two)

"Pigtails & Freckles" Nat King Cole Trio _The Complete Capitol Nat King Cole Trio Recordings_
"Pony Tail" T-Bone Walker _The Complete Imperial Recordings, 1950-1954_
"Duck Tail" Joe Clay _Rockin' Bones: 1950s Punk & Rockabilly_
"Pigtails" The Impacts _Pigtails_

"Tails In The Woods" Bonnie Leigh _Bridge Of Flowers_
"Blue Tail Fly" Bob Atcher _The Golden Age Of Bob Atcher_
"The Tail's Been Waggin' The Dog" Charlie Walker _Don't Squeeze My Sharmon_
"Poor Dog (Who Can't Wag His Own Tail)" Little Richard _Get Down With It! The Okeh Sessions_

"Whales Tails" Cocteau Twins _Victorialand_
"Polka Dot Tail" Ween _The Mollusk_
"I'll Cut Your Tail Off" John Leyton _John Leyton_
"Born With A Tail" Supersuckers _The Best Of Hootenanny_

"Swaller Tail Coat" Frank Luther Trio _Serenade In The Mountains: Early Old-Time Music On Record_
"Your Shirt Tail's Out" Hot Lips Page _1946-1950_
"Turn My Coat Tails Loose" Hasil Adkins _Out To Hunch

Whither Tails?

How I wish I could write about why this week's theme is "tails." Alas, a big storm knocked out our power last night & I am stuck writing this on my little phone. So - the show is on in a little over an hour - I just wanted to say it'll air on 93.9 fm WLXU in Lexington & online at Lexington community radio online & maybe you'll listen. I might not be able to!

Preface To Tails: Who Has The Best Tail?

We all have our favorite tails.  I may be partial to dogs' tails & cats' tails, since they're the tails I encounter most often, but I can't say I don't admire a squirrel's tail or, if I am abandoning mammals entirely, a mockingbird's sleek little tail.  But which is best?

Might it be these incredible tail feathers of birds?

What about all of these tails of different cats?

Or what about puppy dog tails?

Here are a bunch of pictures of monkey tails.

If length is your thing, why not look at this collection of animals with the longest tails?

So many tails!  Too difficult a decision!

It was unfair of me to ask.  But feel free to express a preference!

Found This Online

Apropos this week's show.

A Stray Observation About Alphabetation

For no real reason, I've always felt it made more sense for X to come before W.

Not necessarily right before W, but certainly after S or T.

Of course this would mess up the whole "X, Y, Z" ending of the standard alphabetic recital.  But I don't care.  X, Y, Z sounds fine.  W, X does not.

Perhaps the W could come before the X, but not immediately preceding it.

Maybe the W could come after the M.  M, W, N.  It looks like the M was upturned &, in the process of righting itself, shed one of its outer lines & became an N.

This works for lower-case too: m, w, n.

Not sure whom to ask about this, but perhaps some forward-thinking, rebellion-minded grammarians can take the lead & get this worked out.  It will be much appreciated.

This is the sort of thing I think about when I should be working on this week's show.

Self Help Radio 032217: Smash

(Original image here.)

Another show in the can.  Was it smashing?  How would I know?  There are actors who never see their finished films - Vincent D'Onifrio on Twitter says he doesn't enjoy it, & only sees them if he's forced to go to a premiere.  As time has gone by, I feel the same way about my radio shows.  My biggest problem right now is that I like to live-tweet the shows, & to do so - since the show is prerecorded - I have to listen to it.

& inevitably I think the show's a mess.  But here's the thing: I don't think I can listen closely enough to decide how to improve it.  In fact, I put it out of my mind.  I basically try to do the best I can while I'm doing the show, & then let it go.  Is that the right way to do it?  I don't know, but as time goes by, it seems like the only way I know how to do it.

With that preamble, here's the smash show.  I didn't enjoy listening to it much (well, I liked all the music & I liked the interviews with the funny people who aren't me) but maybe you'll have a better experience.  It's now available for listening at Self Help Radio on the web & the smashing smash songs I played are below.

(part one)

"Smash" The Baskervilles _Twilight_
"Smashed & Blocked" Terry Tonik _This Is Mod, Vol. 2: More Rarities 1979-1981_
"Smash It To Pieces" Cats On Fire _All Blackshirts To Me_

"Smashed (Live)" Mose Allison _Allison Wonderland: The Mose Allison Anthology_
"Smashing Of The Van" Chumbawumba _English Rebel Songs: 1381-1914_
"Smashing Time" Television Personalities _Smashing Time_
"We Had A Really Smashing Time" The Hangovers _Slow Dirty Tears_

"Smash It Up" The Damned _The Chiswick Story_
"Smash You" The Ramones _Too Tough To Die_
"Vision Smashed" Rejects _Messthetics Greatest Hits: The Sounds Of UK D.I.Y. 1977-1980_
"Smash It In Kick It On" Unisex _A Double Agent Compilation_

"Smash Hit Wonder" The King Of Luxembourg _Royal Bastard_
"Smash Hit" The Dining Room Set _Cafe Bleu_

(part two)

"Fish Cakes" Bauhaus _Mask_
"Smash" Calexico _Garden Ruin_
"Smash Palace" Breathless _Chasing Promises_

"Smash The System" Luke Haines _Smash The System_
"Smash The Beauty Machine" Future Bible Heroes _Eternal Youth_
"Smash Your Heart" Cat Stevens _New Masters_
"Smash This World" Papas Fritas _Papas Fritas_

"Smashed Blocked" John's Children _The Legendary Orgasm Album_
"Windshield Smasher" Black Moth Super Rainbow _Cobra Juicy_
"Smash" Wire _Red Barked Tree_
"Smashed Princess" David J _Urban Urbane_

"Smashed" C/A/T _Endzeit Bunkertracks [Act II]_