Have I mentioned - I might have mentioned - I know I must've mentioned - well, let me preface this by saying, I'm not getting any younger, & getting old is awful in many ways, primarily the physical ones. I have looked forever for this one quote by Woody Allen, it's from an interview back when people wanted to interview him, he was talking about being in his early 70s, he said something about growing up, he said something like, "As you get older, you have to do more & more things every day to make sure you're okay, & it's very, very boring."
Which is not really about me, but about a week ago I did something stupid which caused me to pull? strain? tear? a muscle in my shoulder, & it makes sitting at a computer somewhat difficult. It's better than it was a week ago, certainly, but I either am not taking good enough care of myself - I mean, I'm at a computer right now, typing away - or the injury is worse than I know, because I'm not healing as fast as I usually do when I pull a muscle. & I'm always pulling some dumb muscle or other.
The point is, I am not happy sitting on my computer prerecording a radio show, & so I can't imagine it will be that much easier tomorrow. I decided against having interviews this week because I knew that I didn't want to spend the time editing them, & today I had to prepare an "evergreen" mix of The Dickenbock Report in case the remote on Tuesday goes badly, so I've done very little work for SHR.
It doesn't mean I'm not going to work on the show tomorrow - I will. I just don't know how much of it I'll get done before The Dickenbock Report needs to be prepared for its live remote debut Tuesday morning/Monday night. So - if you have expectations of Self Help Radio, I'm sure they're already quite low. But lower them anyway.
As Edywn Collins said,
You've been down this road before
Which is not to say you're bored
Or that you shouldn't want for more
It's just your expectations should be lower
Saturday, May 30, 2020
Friday, May 29, 2020
Do It Live!
Some interesting news - for next week's The Dickenbock Report, I might be doing it live.
What? How?
It will not be at the KBOO studios, alas. Hardly anyone is there these days, as is expected. Nope, I'll be doing it from home.
What? How?
Using clever technologies, I'll be doing the show from my computer. Playing music from my computer. Talking on my own microphone. It could go well. It could go horribly wrong.
Might it be worth listening to just in case it goes wrong? Oh yes.
What? How?
It will not be at the KBOO studios, alas. Hardly anyone is there these days, as is expected. Nope, I'll be doing it from home.
What? How?
Using clever technologies, I'll be doing the show from my computer. Playing music from my computer. Talking on my own microphone. It could go well. It could go horribly wrong.
Might it be worth listening to just in case it goes wrong? Oh yes.
Thursday, May 28, 2020
May 28, 2011
This is a post I wrote nearly ten years ago before I did a show about the many ways to be called a devil, or Satan, without using the word "devil." The playlist for the show is here.. I suppose if I were more thorough, I'd reupload the show, but I'm not going to. Nyah. Here's what I wrote in the "preface" to the show:
Did you enjoy being frightened as a child? I was torn between the joy of being terrified & the general sense of calling bullshit on a world that was extremely suspect when it came to proving its scary claims. I kind of had a proto-scientific bent when it came to things that scared me. Here are two stories about intrepid Gary as a ghost-hunter & demon-summoner.
I remember when that book "The Amityville Horror" came out. My mother was reading it - I don't know if she ever finished it - & we had a giant hard-cover copy sitting in the living room which I had checked out one afternoon. On the cover was a picture of the window from which the evil pig - or else just evil pig eyes, I don't remember - could be seen. That haunted me. The evening after I read a few pages - not very scary pages, I remember - I couldn't go to sleep until after I had gone downstairs & hidden the book in the oven. The oven, I guess I imagined, would protect me from evil spirits.
Success! I was able to fall asleep, & didn't wake up to an evil pig looking at me for purposes I left to my imagination. Great. But what about the next night?
Also, would my mother be mad at me for putting a book in an oven overnight? (I didn't turn the oven on.) (She didn't say anything to me about it.)
The next night I thought, look, if ghosts or demons are going to come get me - I think because something as flimsy as an oven - an oven for fuck's sake! - had prevented them from coming, they might not actually exist - then why not let them come? The next night I brought the book upstairs with me.
It stayed there until either my mother retrieved it or I simply forgot it was there. I guess I knew books had a certain power, but that book, I had discovered, was full of shit.
As for summoning a demon, well - even though as children we didn't have any real idea who "Bloody Mary" was, the name itself was pretty frightening. What's more, we knew that she was dead now but could be summoned. Why summoned? Why would anyone want to bring a murderess back from the dead? Who made that stupid rule? No matter, we knew there was a scary she-demon from the past who was described as "bloody" not because she was hurt but because she bloodied people up, & we knew how to call her.
Here's the way I remember the process. & here's a description of it as a "game." But it was no game to us children.
Basically, you were supposed to go into a room without light (I thought immediately of a bathroom, since ours had no windows, although it was a more confined place), twirl twelve times saying "Bloody Mary!" (I chose to say it like Igor from the Frankenstein movies) & then, if you're not too sick, leaning into the mirror & saying her name a thirteenth time. She was supposed to appear &, out of gratitude for bringing her back, attack you & claw your eyes out.
The story intrigued me but I didn't know anyone who was brave enough to do it. So, one afternoon, when no one was around (I had enough sense at the age of nine or ten to realize that some people might think what I was doing was stupid), I gave it a shot. I confess I might have messed up the process some - as I said, the bathroom was small & I bumped into a lot of things as I was twirling - not to mention that I had to feel my way back around on the thirteenth turn to find the mirror - so all of this might have been rather disappointing to Mary - but of course she didn't come. I emerged with some bruises on my shins, but my eyes intact.
I was - & frankly still am - disappointed that I didn't live in a world with devils & demons & haunted books & mirrors. What has surprised me most about the people who live on this planet who still do think they live in a world with devils & demons & etc. is how easy it is to find out you don't all by yourself.
Did you enjoy being frightened as a child? I was torn between the joy of being terrified & the general sense of calling bullshit on a world that was extremely suspect when it came to proving its scary claims. I kind of had a proto-scientific bent when it came to things that scared me. Here are two stories about intrepid Gary as a ghost-hunter & demon-summoner.
I remember when that book "The Amityville Horror" came out. My mother was reading it - I don't know if she ever finished it - & we had a giant hard-cover copy sitting in the living room which I had checked out one afternoon. On the cover was a picture of the window from which the evil pig - or else just evil pig eyes, I don't remember - could be seen. That haunted me. The evening after I read a few pages - not very scary pages, I remember - I couldn't go to sleep until after I had gone downstairs & hidden the book in the oven. The oven, I guess I imagined, would protect me from evil spirits.
Success! I was able to fall asleep, & didn't wake up to an evil pig looking at me for purposes I left to my imagination. Great. But what about the next night?
Also, would my mother be mad at me for putting a book in an oven overnight? (I didn't turn the oven on.) (She didn't say anything to me about it.)
The next night I thought, look, if ghosts or demons are going to come get me - I think because something as flimsy as an oven - an oven for fuck's sake! - had prevented them from coming, they might not actually exist - then why not let them come? The next night I brought the book upstairs with me.
It stayed there until either my mother retrieved it or I simply forgot it was there. I guess I knew books had a certain power, but that book, I had discovered, was full of shit.
As for summoning a demon, well - even though as children we didn't have any real idea who "Bloody Mary" was, the name itself was pretty frightening. What's more, we knew that she was dead now but could be summoned. Why summoned? Why would anyone want to bring a murderess back from the dead? Who made that stupid rule? No matter, we knew there was a scary she-demon from the past who was described as "bloody" not because she was hurt but because she bloodied people up, & we knew how to call her.
Here's the way I remember the process. & here's a description of it as a "game." But it was no game to us children.
Basically, you were supposed to go into a room without light (I thought immediately of a bathroom, since ours had no windows, although it was a more confined place), twirl twelve times saying "Bloody Mary!" (I chose to say it like Igor from the Frankenstein movies) & then, if you're not too sick, leaning into the mirror & saying her name a thirteenth time. She was supposed to appear &, out of gratitude for bringing her back, attack you & claw your eyes out.
The story intrigued me but I didn't know anyone who was brave enough to do it. So, one afternoon, when no one was around (I had enough sense at the age of nine or ten to realize that some people might think what I was doing was stupid), I gave it a shot. I confess I might have messed up the process some - as I said, the bathroom was small & I bumped into a lot of things as I was twirling - not to mention that I had to feel my way back around on the thirteenth turn to find the mirror - so all of this might have been rather disappointing to Mary - but of course she didn't come. I emerged with some bruises on my shins, but my eyes intact.
I was - & frankly still am - disappointed that I didn't live in a world with devils & demons & haunted books & mirrors. What has surprised me most about the people who live on this planet who still do think they live in a world with devils & demons & etc. is how easy it is to find out you don't all by yourself.
Monday, May 25, 2020
Sunday, May 24, 2020
It's A Day Where You Don't Have To Worry About A New Self Help Radio
So what does Gary do?
This Sunday, I planted a petunia. It did not grow according to plan. It became quite petulant & perturbed. It objected to its plot. The place I planted it. It preferred a different plot. What do I do with a petulant, perturbed petunia that prefers a different plot? I replotted the petunia.
Also on Sunday, I took a nap. Where did I take the nap? I took it to my past. This may not surprise anyone, but in my dreams I often am employed at the place where I haven't been employed in eleven years. In this particular dream, I had an office outdoors. Everyone commented on how inconvenient it would be to have a desk outdoors in - you know - inclement weather. & when the Assistant Director of the department came out, he did ask me, "Do you even work here anymore?"
Nope! I did not.
Oh yes, on this Sunday I also spoke with my mother, something I've done for every Sunday since - my gosh, it may be over twenty years. My mother is ninety years old & she has Alzheimer's, & when I turn my speaker on when I talk to her, my wife claims she can't understand anything she's saying. But I do. & my mother doesn't have anyone to talk about, these days, but herself, & there's nothing to say. She cannot hear any of my dialog, & her disease has compromised the audio clues that have encouraged her for so long. When our connection was abruptly lost, she simply assumed I had said goodbye.
(This is something I confirmed with my sister, who is her caregiver.)
This Sunday I went for two walks, one in the morning, one in the early evening. Should I complain about careless people not observing social distancing? No, they are what they are. I confess, I wish I went out with a mask, I might feel somehow morally superior - although that is not the reason for doing so. Or is it?
People touch our dogs, that makes me flinch. But I touch other people's dogs! That also makes me flinch. There are so many dogs! I must give them treats.
But is there other radio? Yes, there is the Dickenbock Report. It gets recorded. Because of crybaby injury, it take a while. But. It gets recorded.
No worries, though. No worries for new Self Help Radio. Those worries are in the future. In the near future. Holy shit. It'll happen before you know it.
Happy Memorial Day.
This Sunday, I planted a petunia. It did not grow according to plan. It became quite petulant & perturbed. It objected to its plot. The place I planted it. It preferred a different plot. What do I do with a petulant, perturbed petunia that prefers a different plot? I replotted the petunia.
Also on Sunday, I took a nap. Where did I take the nap? I took it to my past. This may not surprise anyone, but in my dreams I often am employed at the place where I haven't been employed in eleven years. In this particular dream, I had an office outdoors. Everyone commented on how inconvenient it would be to have a desk outdoors in - you know - inclement weather. & when the Assistant Director of the department came out, he did ask me, "Do you even work here anymore?"
Nope! I did not.
Oh yes, on this Sunday I also spoke with my mother, something I've done for every Sunday since - my gosh, it may be over twenty years. My mother is ninety years old & she has Alzheimer's, & when I turn my speaker on when I talk to her, my wife claims she can't understand anything she's saying. But I do. & my mother doesn't have anyone to talk about, these days, but herself, & there's nothing to say. She cannot hear any of my dialog, & her disease has compromised the audio clues that have encouraged her for so long. When our connection was abruptly lost, she simply assumed I had said goodbye.
(This is something I confirmed with my sister, who is her caregiver.)
This Sunday I went for two walks, one in the morning, one in the early evening. Should I complain about careless people not observing social distancing? No, they are what they are. I confess, I wish I went out with a mask, I might feel somehow morally superior - although that is not the reason for doing so. Or is it?
People touch our dogs, that makes me flinch. But I touch other people's dogs! That also makes me flinch. There are so many dogs! I must give them treats.
But is there other radio? Yes, there is the Dickenbock Report. It gets recorded. Because of crybaby injury, it take a while. But. It gets recorded.
No worries, though. No worries for new Self Help Radio. Those worries are in the future. In the near future. Holy shit. It'll happen before you know it.
Happy Memorial Day.
Saturday, May 23, 2020
Reminder: No New Self Help Radio This Week
It turns out it's good that I am not doing a show this week. I pulled a muscle in my shoulder & everything hurts. I am such a fucking baby. I know people who deal with carpal tunnel, who have continual & constant pain every day, & I'm like, "No I can't sit up it hurts waaah."
My wife had to have surgery in her neck - one of the most dangerous places to have surgery - & she was in pain months before it happened. But I know this will mostly be okay in a week but I am completely inconsolable.
There'll be a new Dickenbock Report on Tuesday & I'm working on it now but jeez it's taking forever & it's very, very uncomfortable to sit in front of a computer right now. Seriously, though. What a fucking whiny piece of shit I am.
My wife had to have surgery in her neck - one of the most dangerous places to have surgery - & she was in pain months before it happened. But I know this will mostly be okay in a week but I am completely inconsolable.
There'll be a new Dickenbock Report on Tuesday & I'm working on it now but jeez it's taking forever & it's very, very uncomfortable to sit in front of a computer right now. Seriously, though. What a fucking whiny piece of shit I am.
Friday, May 22, 2020
May 22, 2007
Thirteen years ago on this blog I was about to see Morrissey for the first time live, & I was prepared to do a radio show in tribute to him. This is what I wrote for the blog:
I have this dread feeling when it comes to people whom I admire greatly that, if left alone with them, I wouldn't be able to say anything & they'd dislike me immediately. This is partially why I have become such great friends with Scott McLellan*. Part of me wants to say it'd be different with Morrissey, but everyone thinks they'd have a great relationship with Morrissey. It's not like people who become friends with Elvis Costello, then come to loathe him because of his current wife. Morrissey's wife is, I'm told, very down to earth. Like June Cleaver with chest hair. She uses all parts of the tofu when she cooks it. She is, it has been widely reported, the sort of girl you'd bring home to meet mother. Not father. Mother.
I have never met Morrissey, & I won't when he comes to town this week. But I feel like I really, really know him. Not like that asshole Johnny Marr. Do I get a sense of him from the new Modest Mouse record? No! I get a Mousey feeling, but that fucker's not Modest. Why should he be? Didn't he write the music for "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out"? Yes, he did. So he can call me all the names he wants. He can shit on my head when I am lying bleeding on the pavement because Morrissey kicked me in the teeth again, I DON'T CARE. He's allowed. But I still don't know him.
I used to know Morrissey, too. In his lean mean period, after he released one crappy record too many in the late 90s & was forced to turn to Bingo to make ends meet. You'll remember those days - I was afraid I had scarlet rubella, & you were daydreaming of making a reality television show where you'd be trapped on a desert island with only fifteen fifteen-year-old boys & girls & the soundtrack to "Hackers." Morrissey existed almost entirely in our heads, saved from ten years before when we were lonesome & we didn't want to believe people could take anything more seriously than we did. Morrissey disappeared, though - up the ass of the universe, I once heard you say - & you disappeared, too. You became part of Kenneth Lay's Ethics Squad & you were the number one Blowjob Researcher in Washington, DC.
Neither one of you did badly, though - Morrissey made a comeback & he's coming to town this week, & you went to the private sector & now study blowjobs for GE. I am estranged from you both. I guess, like the characters in the songs that Morrissey sings that I listen to & which I'll play on my show Friday, I got left behind.
No tears! I am not the saddest clown! Worry me not, endless past! I shall be free of you one day, if only because I plan to remove pieces of my brain one by one until I no longer remember grunge! I am prepared for collateral damage!
Tomorrow: a very long poem to Morrissey written when I was 17 & had never been kissed. Not even by Morrissey.
* I confess I had forgotten who this person was. Wikipedia tells me, "Scott McClellan was the twenty-second White House Press Secretary for President George W. Bush, & author of a controversial No. 1 New York Times bestseller about the Bush Administration titled What Happened. He replaced Ari Fleischer as press secretary in July 2003 & served until May 10, 2006." He's from Austin & he was literally born six days before I was.
I have this dread feeling when it comes to people whom I admire greatly that, if left alone with them, I wouldn't be able to say anything & they'd dislike me immediately. This is partially why I have become such great friends with Scott McLellan*. Part of me wants to say it'd be different with Morrissey, but everyone thinks they'd have a great relationship with Morrissey. It's not like people who become friends with Elvis Costello, then come to loathe him because of his current wife. Morrissey's wife is, I'm told, very down to earth. Like June Cleaver with chest hair. She uses all parts of the tofu when she cooks it. She is, it has been widely reported, the sort of girl you'd bring home to meet mother. Not father. Mother.
I have never met Morrissey, & I won't when he comes to town this week. But I feel like I really, really know him. Not like that asshole Johnny Marr. Do I get a sense of him from the new Modest Mouse record? No! I get a Mousey feeling, but that fucker's not Modest. Why should he be? Didn't he write the music for "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out"? Yes, he did. So he can call me all the names he wants. He can shit on my head when I am lying bleeding on the pavement because Morrissey kicked me in the teeth again, I DON'T CARE. He's allowed. But I still don't know him.
I used to know Morrissey, too. In his lean mean period, after he released one crappy record too many in the late 90s & was forced to turn to Bingo to make ends meet. You'll remember those days - I was afraid I had scarlet rubella, & you were daydreaming of making a reality television show where you'd be trapped on a desert island with only fifteen fifteen-year-old boys & girls & the soundtrack to "Hackers." Morrissey existed almost entirely in our heads, saved from ten years before when we were lonesome & we didn't want to believe people could take anything more seriously than we did. Morrissey disappeared, though - up the ass of the universe, I once heard you say - & you disappeared, too. You became part of Kenneth Lay's Ethics Squad & you were the number one Blowjob Researcher in Washington, DC.
Neither one of you did badly, though - Morrissey made a comeback & he's coming to town this week, & you went to the private sector & now study blowjobs for GE. I am estranged from you both. I guess, like the characters in the songs that Morrissey sings that I listen to & which I'll play on my show Friday, I got left behind.
No tears! I am not the saddest clown! Worry me not, endless past! I shall be free of you one day, if only because I plan to remove pieces of my brain one by one until I no longer remember grunge! I am prepared for collateral damage!
Tomorrow: a very long poem to Morrissey written when I was 17 & had never been kissed. Not even by Morrissey.
* I confess I had forgotten who this person was. Wikipedia tells me, "Scott McClellan was the twenty-second White House Press Secretary for President George W. Bush, & author of a controversial No. 1 New York Times bestseller about the Bush Administration titled What Happened. He replaced Ari Fleischer as press secretary in July 2003 & served until May 10, 2006." He's from Austin & he was literally born six days before I was.
Thursday, May 21, 2020
Self Help Radio 051820: Keep It
(Original image here.)
Yes, yes, I know, I know, this show took too long to get to you. It's almost guaranteed to not be worth the wait. But it's yours now, you gotta keep it.
This past week I've learned I've overcommitted myself. You'd think it would be easy to prerecord radio shows from home, but I am the farthest thing from a natural on the mic (you didn't need me to tell you that) so I spend a good deal of time editing my airbreaks. Self Help Radio comes with its own issues with the interviews, which I edit & re-edit hoping to make them as entertaining as possible & also to make sure they showcase the best of the interviewees. Suddenly I had two prerecords due for a deadline & Self Help Radio went by the wayside. I hope Freeform gets its automation set up soon, I would not have done that if I knew I had to have it in by a certain time.
In any event, I'm going to skip next Monday to try to get ahead of the next cycle, & I have an extra episode of The Dickenbock Report to work on besides. Meanwhile, please enjoy this nonsense which features too many versions of Dylan's "I'll Keep It With Mine" plus my funny friends being very, very funny.
The show is now at Self Help Radio dot net. Remember the username - SHR - & password - selfhelp - because you'll need them. The show is two hours long, what happens on the show is below.
Self Help Radio Keep It Show
"Keep It" Dexys Midnight Runners _Searching For The Young Soul Rebels_
"Keep It Comin'" Rufus _Rufus_
"Keep It Moving" Deep Sea Diver _History Speaks_
introduction, definitions, & kazoo
"I'll Keep It With Mine" Bob Dylan _Biograph_
"Keep It Clean" Rufus & Ben Quillian _Hokum, Blues, & Rags_
"Keep It To Yourself" Sonny Boy Williamson II _Sonny Boy Williamson_
"Keep It Simple" Allen Clapp & His Orchestra _One Hundred Percent Chance Of Rain_
"Keep It In The Family" Black Box Recorder _Life Is Unfair_
interview with horror writer Bartleby O'Brien
"I'll Keep It With Mine" Nico _Chelsea Girls_
"Keep It Up" The Boomtown Rats _The Fine Art Of Surfacing_
"Keep It In Mind" Tramway _A Brand Of Lovin'_
"How You Gonna Keep It (After You Get It)" Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 9: 1969_
"I Keep It Hid" Alice Clark _Alice Clark_
interview with trendsetter/trendspotter Duke Simpson
"I'll Keep It With Mine" Rainy Day _Rainy Day_
"Can't Keep It In" Cat Stevens _On The Road To Find Out_
"Keep It Together" Sprites _Starling, Spiders, Tiger, & Sprites_
"You Keep It All In" The Beautiful South _Welcome To The Beautiful South_
"Keep It For Your Own" Pop Etc _Pop Etc_
interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently
"I'll Keep It With Mine" Bettie Serveert _I Shot Andy Warhol: Music From & Inspired By The Motion Picture_
"Keep It Simple Stupid" The King Khan Experience _The King Khan Experience_
"Keep It In Motion" Guided By Voices _Class Clown Spots A UFO_
"Keep It Coming" The Manhattan Love Suicides _Burnt Out Landscapes_
"Keep It Surreal" Ride _Tomorrow's Shore_
conclusions, goodbye, phone call from Elliot Klifnerd, & kazoo
"I'll Keep It With Mine (Scott Hardkiss Remix)" Dean & Britta _13 Most Beautiful: Songs For Andy Warhol's Screen Tests_
"I'll Keep It Inside" Belle & Sebastian _Days Of The Bagnold Summer_
"Keep It In Mind" Kleenex Girl Wonder _Sexual Harassment_
"Keep It Together, Somehow" Bearsuit _Oh:io_
"Keep It From The Baby" Overlord _In Soviet Russia, My Heart Breaks You_
Monday, May 18, 2020
Whither Keep It?
(This is the first thing that comes up when I google "keep it." It's apparently "a podcast about pop culture, politics, & what happens when they smack into each other at alarming speed." I'm sure it's great.)
A brief interview with myself about the current state of Self Help Radio:
What's the current state of Self Help Radio?
Hey, I'm still doing it weekly. It's just not appearing every week at a specific time like when it's on a regular radio schedule.
Why not?
Because they haven't got the automation set up properly at Freeform at the moment. Hopefully some time in June, the show will air during its regular time slot.
So it's not because you're lazy?
This has nothing to do with laziness. I have been subbing shows on KBOO, & I've been doing The Dickenbock Report, & those shows air at a specific time, & the prerecords have to be ready twenty-four hours before that, so I am prioritizing those.
When does Self Help Radio air on Freeform?
That's something I don't know. All the content - except the special episodes on Friday & Saturday - are random. A couple of weeks ago I got a note that the April 6th show was airing on a Thursday night. In that way it's probably unfair to foist Self Help Radio on an unsuspecting public. At least when it's on during its regular time, you have fair warning to avoid it!
It just seems like it's taking you longer & longer to do an episode. Why is that?
It might be because there's no deadline. I am a serial procrastinator, & deadlines keep me honest. We'll see what happens when the show is more regularly scheduled. Plus...
What?
This might not be the best place to announce it, but starting June 9th, I'll be re-doing old recent episodes of Self Help Radio to air on KBOO on alternate weeks from The Dickenbock Report! It might only be for a couple of months, but I'm excited!
Will there be a new show tomorrow, then?
Yes, I hope so.
Yes, you hope so?
All I can say is, check back here tomorrow, or on the SHR Facebook page, or on the show's Twitter page. I am working on it now. I hope to have it done by tomorrow. Or just keep an eye on Self Help Radio website. That's where everything ends up.
Okay, well, thanks for letting me interview you, me.
You're welcome me!
Saturday, May 16, 2020
Preface To Keep It: Keep It How?
Keep it away from me.
Keep it between the lines.
Keep it clean.
Keep it down.
Keep it easy.
Keep it fresh.
Keep it going.
Keep it handy.
Keep it in your pants.
Keep it juicy.
Keep it kool.
Keep it light.
Keep it mellow.
Keep it natural.
Keep it on the down low.
Keep it positive.
Keep it quiet.
Keep it real.
Keep it simple.
Keep it together.
Keep it up.
Keep it vague.
Keep it weird.
Keep it x-l-ent.
Keep it (to) yourself.
Keep it zen.
Keep it between the lines.
Keep it clean.
Keep it down.
Keep it easy.
Keep it fresh.
Keep it going.
Keep it handy.
Keep it in your pants.
Keep it juicy.
Keep it kool.
Keep it light.
Keep it mellow.
Keep it natural.
Keep it on the down low.
Keep it positive.
Keep it quiet.
Keep it real.
Keep it simple.
Keep it together.
Keep it up.
Keep it vague.
Keep it weird.
Keep it x-l-ent.
Keep it (to) yourself.
Keep it zen.
Friday, May 15, 2020
New Intro Time Again Again Again Again Again Again Again Again!
Oh hey! It's around that time again - I make a new intro for Self Help Radio every year. I don't know why. I just do. Actually I do know - I've explained it before - I used to make it because the "season" began in May at KOOP, & then the summer semester began at WRFL in May - but the season at Freeform begins in March - so I should have done it in March - & also it's the middle of May - but last May I wasn't doing a show because I was moving to Portland - anyway, I did make a new intro in the middle of last May - now it's the middle of May & here's a new intro!
Here's the 2020 Self Help Radio Intro!
The show is nearly eighteen years old, & I've made seventeen intros for it. Here in fact are the previous seventeen. In chronological order. If you wanna listen.
You can listen to the 2002 intro (my first!) here.
You can listen to the 2003 intro here.
You can listen to the 2005 intro here.
You can listen to the 2006 intro here.
You can listen to the 2007 intro here.
You can listen to the 2008 intro here.
You can listen to the 2009 intro here.
You can listen to the 2010 intro here.
You can listen to the 2011 intro here.
You can listen to the 2012 intro here.
You can listen to the 2013 intro here.
You can listen to the 2014 intro here.
You can listen to the 2015 intro here.
You can listen to the 2016 intro here.
You can listen to the 2017 intro here.
You can listen to the 2018 intro here.
You can listen to the 2019 intro here.
So yeah, the new one, this is the intro for Self Help Radio for the next twelve months. You'll probably get sick of it. Apologies in advance.
Here's the 2020 Self Help Radio Intro!
The show is nearly eighteen years old, & I've made seventeen intros for it. Here in fact are the previous seventeen. In chronological order. If you wanna listen.
You can listen to the 2002 intro (my first!) here.
You can listen to the 2003 intro here.
You can listen to the 2005 intro here.
You can listen to the 2006 intro here.
You can listen to the 2007 intro here.
You can listen to the 2008 intro here.
You can listen to the 2009 intro here.
You can listen to the 2010 intro here.
You can listen to the 2011 intro here.
You can listen to the 2012 intro here.
You can listen to the 2013 intro here.
You can listen to the 2014 intro here.
You can listen to the 2015 intro here.
You can listen to the 2016 intro here.
You can listen to the 2017 intro here.
You can listen to the 2018 intro here.
You can listen to the 2019 intro here.
So yeah, the new one, this is the intro for Self Help Radio for the next twelve months. You'll probably get sick of it. Apologies in advance.
Thursday, May 14, 2020
May 14, 2008
In May of 2008, I was about to do a radio show about lemons. This is what I wrote the day before the show:
Whither Lemons?
A fan of lemons was telling me just the other day, "There's that old song, you know, about how the interior of the lemon isn't very good to eat, & I was always puzzled by this. I always ate lemons like other kids at oranges, or even grapefruit. I'd scoop the pulp out & just eat. It never occurred to me that it wasn't supposed to be edible. So I continue eating the flesh - for lack of a better word - of lemons to this very day. You may not believe me but it's true.
"What's weirder," he continued, "is that I can't do the same with limes. I can't eat a section of a lime in the same way that I can basically 'eat up' a lemon. It doesn't taste good enough & the consistency, the texture of the lime isn't the same. Isn't that just too odd? Because you can set a lemon & a lime side-by-side & even cut them in half, & they look like basically the same fruit, only colored differently. But they are very, very different. They are - at least to my taste buds - polar opposites.
"I can also tell you," said the fan of lemons, "that I could chew on a lemon rind - did you know they also call it a 'zest'? - I could chew on a lemon zest in the same way other kids chewed gum. To me, there was nothing better, after consuming the inside of a lemon, spitting its seeds out, wiping the sticky sour juice from my face - nothing better than gnawing off a piece of lemon zest & spending the rest of the day just chew, chew, chewing it. Other children, with their Wrigley's & their Fruit Stripe & they're Double Bubble, they'd complain of losing flavor & having to keep sticking new pieces of gum in their mouths, but not me. A little lemon rind went a long way."
"I wish I could tell you," he said with a sigh, "why I am so obsessed with lemons. There's probably a moment - or moments, really, felicitous, random moments when I was young - when lemons were the only thing around to eat, & I ate them. Ate them up. & my love of lemons continues undeterred to this day. I love lemon tea, lemon-flavored soft drinks, lemon garnishes, lemon juice dripped on frying foods, lemonade of course, lemon added to any alcohol, lemon candies, lemon, lemon, lemon! The taste of lemons. It overwhelms me & is the one thing on this planet that makes me completely, totally happy."
"Well," I said, "that's good news, because my radio show, Self Help Radio, this week features nothing but talk & music about lemons!"
"Hey," said the fan of lemons, "I didn't know you did a radio show."
Whither Lemons?
A fan of lemons was telling me just the other day, "There's that old song, you know, about how the interior of the lemon isn't very good to eat, & I was always puzzled by this. I always ate lemons like other kids at oranges, or even grapefruit. I'd scoop the pulp out & just eat. It never occurred to me that it wasn't supposed to be edible. So I continue eating the flesh - for lack of a better word - of lemons to this very day. You may not believe me but it's true.
"What's weirder," he continued, "is that I can't do the same with limes. I can't eat a section of a lime in the same way that I can basically 'eat up' a lemon. It doesn't taste good enough & the consistency, the texture of the lime isn't the same. Isn't that just too odd? Because you can set a lemon & a lime side-by-side & even cut them in half, & they look like basically the same fruit, only colored differently. But they are very, very different. They are - at least to my taste buds - polar opposites.
"I can also tell you," said the fan of lemons, "that I could chew on a lemon rind - did you know they also call it a 'zest'? - I could chew on a lemon zest in the same way other kids chewed gum. To me, there was nothing better, after consuming the inside of a lemon, spitting its seeds out, wiping the sticky sour juice from my face - nothing better than gnawing off a piece of lemon zest & spending the rest of the day just chew, chew, chewing it. Other children, with their Wrigley's & their Fruit Stripe & they're Double Bubble, they'd complain of losing flavor & having to keep sticking new pieces of gum in their mouths, but not me. A little lemon rind went a long way."
"I wish I could tell you," he said with a sigh, "why I am so obsessed with lemons. There's probably a moment - or moments, really, felicitous, random moments when I was young - when lemons were the only thing around to eat, & I ate them. Ate them up. & my love of lemons continues undeterred to this day. I love lemon tea, lemon-flavored soft drinks, lemon garnishes, lemon juice dripped on frying foods, lemonade of course, lemon added to any alcohol, lemon candies, lemon, lemon, lemon! The taste of lemons. It overwhelms me & is the one thing on this planet that makes me completely, totally happy."
"Well," I said, "that's good news, because my radio show, Self Help Radio, this week features nothing but talk & music about lemons!"
"Hey," said the fan of lemons, "I didn't know you did a radio show."
Tuesday, May 12, 2020
Self Help Radio 051120: A Personal Show
Look, I didn't want to get too personal, but I personally felt it was time for a more intimate, more personal Self Help Radio. I'll completely understand if that's something with which you're not very comfortable. There are other, more impersonal radio shows out there. But not Self Help Radio, not this week.
Don't take it too personally!
Listen to a personal Self Help Radio show at the Self Help Radio website. Remember, there's a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) required - this is for everyone, not just you personally! What happens on the show is below.
We'll return to being a cold, secretive show in due time.
Self Help Radio's Personal Show
"Personal Space Invader" Andrew Jackson Jihad _People That Can Eat People Are The Luckiest People In The World_
"Personal Detritus" The No-No's _Tinnitus_
"Pers-O-Nally" Bobby Paris _The Golden Torch Story (A Collection Of 18 Classic Northern Soul Shakers)_
introduction & definitions
"Personals" Jon Hassell & Bluescreen _Dressing For Pleasure_
"Personal" The Ballet _Mattachine!_
"Personal" Stars _In Our Bedroom After The War_
"Personal Column" Jake Thackray _Jake In A Box: The EMI Recordings 1967-1976_
"Personal Confusion" Guther _I Know You Know_
Alyssa & Jason discuss the young generation's idea of personal
"Too Personal" Generation X _Generation X_
"Too Personal" The Mekons _I ♥ Mekons_
"Personal Freedom" Monty Python _Monty Python's Previous Record_
"Personal" Ice T _Power_
"Take It Personal" Gang Starr _Full Clip: A Decade Of Gang Starr_
interview with my personal trainer Kkris Tiger
"Personal Computer" Doris Norton _Personal Computer_
"Personal Computer" Silicon _Personal Computer_
"Personal Information Waltz" Demitri Martin _These Are Jokes_
"A Personal Issue" Cleaners From Venus _The Cleaners From Venus Vol. 1_
"Personal Hygiene" Wreckless Eric _Wreckless Eric_
interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently
"Personal Jesus" Johnny Cash _American IV: The Man Comes Around_
"Personal Manager" Albert King _King Of The Blues Guitar_
"My Personal Possession" Nat "King" Cole & The Four Knights _Stardust: The Complete Capitol Recordings 1955-1959_
"Personal Property" Jimmy Jones _Looking For My Baby! (Soul Treasures From The Vaults Of Amy-Mala-Bell)_
"My Personal Property" Shirley Maclaine _American Songbook Series: Cy Coleman_
conclusion & goodbye
"Personal Things" The Triffids _Born Sandy Devotional_
"Personal Saviour" Bugs _Self Help_
"Personal Question" Little Caesar _Your On The Hour Man: The Complete Modern, Dolphin, & Downey Recordings 1952-1960_
"Personal Secret" Cathy Carr _Shy_
"A Personal Friend Of Mine" Jim Lowe _Rockin' Behind The Green Door_
Sunday, May 10, 2020
Whither A Personal Show?
(Image from here.)
Do you want to know a phrase I dislike? It's this one: I ain't gonna lie. It's supposed to mean, "I'm going to tell it to you straight," with the implication that the circumstances warrant no softening of language. But it also suggests that the speaker lies a lot. It's a bit of linguistic fluff people pepper their speech with because they have to fill up space somehow - whether to think about what to say next or because they have very little to say. & it irks me.
Having said that, I ain't gonna lie, I probably won't have a new Self Help Radio ready till late tomorrow. I have been feeling under the weather & have wanted to sleep most of today, although I haven't. I will rest some tonight & see how I feel in the morning. But I'll do my level best to get the show done - I know very few people listen, if any, but certainly I'd like the funny contributions of my co-conspirators to be heard. They were great this week.
If this seems like too much personal information, then, sorry, that's what the entire show is about this week. Not just me, either - it seems like every song takes it personally.
Look for the show tomorrow at the Self Help Radio website. I'll announce it here of course. Now. I need to sleep.
Saturday, May 09, 2020
Preface To A Personal Show: Remember Being Fearful
But first, a word from our sponsor:
Ashwagandha, also known as Indian ginseng, has a wide range of health benefits, which include its ability to reduce the blood sugar levels, fight cancer, reduce stress & anxiety, & increase fertility in men.
That's right, this blog post is sponsored by ginseng.
& now for the main event:
Remember being fearful? It's a trip down "Memory Lane"* with me, Gary, the host of Self Help Radio. This is a story about being too personal, on the radio, right out of the gate, & fearing afterwards that you'd somehow revealed too much... Like people's names you shouldn't have said. Or maybe details about your life. Or maybe your phone number... Did you actually give out your phone number on the air?
We'll be back to this stressful situation after this Public Service Announcement:
Eeww. Is it the proper reaction to most situations? Almost certainly. Next time, remember: Eeww.
When we last left our hero (me, Gary**), he was fretting about possibly revealing too much personal information about his life on the air. It seemed to flow naturally, he was trying to be funny, how could anyone make such stuff up? Riding his bike home, he wondered: Would anyone call? Or find out where he lived? Jeez, hadn't he seen Play Misty For Me?
But, like most worrying, it was all for naught! No one cared. No one, most likely, was listening.
& the next time he (I) blurted out more personal information, he was beside himself with concern. It became something like a ritual. What if I said something too personal? What if I made someone mad? What if I betrayed a trust? Why do I keep doing that?
& on & on, even now to the present day! & no one cared. No one took advantage of personal information the radio host might have said or shared on the air. No one was listening. Or if they were listening, they simply didn't care.
We'll be back after these footnotes:
* Not an actual thoroughfare.
** This is confusing, sorry.
Ashwagandha, also known as Indian ginseng, has a wide range of health benefits, which include its ability to reduce the blood sugar levels, fight cancer, reduce stress & anxiety, & increase fertility in men.
That's right, this blog post is sponsored by ginseng.
& now for the main event:
Remember being fearful? It's a trip down "Memory Lane"* with me, Gary, the host of Self Help Radio. This is a story about being too personal, on the radio, right out of the gate, & fearing afterwards that you'd somehow revealed too much... Like people's names you shouldn't have said. Or maybe details about your life. Or maybe your phone number... Did you actually give out your phone number on the air?
We'll be back to this stressful situation after this Public Service Announcement:
Eeww. Is it the proper reaction to most situations? Almost certainly. Next time, remember: Eeww.
When we last left our hero (me, Gary**), he was fretting about possibly revealing too much personal information about his life on the air. It seemed to flow naturally, he was trying to be funny, how could anyone make such stuff up? Riding his bike home, he wondered: Would anyone call? Or find out where he lived? Jeez, hadn't he seen Play Misty For Me?
But, like most worrying, it was all for naught! No one cared. No one, most likely, was listening.
& the next time he (I) blurted out more personal information, he was beside himself with concern. It became something like a ritual. What if I said something too personal? What if I made someone mad? What if I betrayed a trust? Why do I keep doing that?
& on & on, even now to the present day! & no one cared. No one took advantage of personal information the radio host might have said or shared on the air. No one was listening. Or if they were listening, they simply didn't care.
We'll be back after these footnotes:
* Not an actual thoroughfare.
** This is confusing, sorry.
Friday, May 08, 2020
Track Changes
These are some things I'm not doing during this pandemic:
Thinking about the future. No, my wife does that. Sometimes way into the future. Jobs have been lost, houses have been foreclosed upon, I suppose I might be arrested. That's her, not me. Mainly I am thinking about what radio show I need to do next. Which leads me to something else I'm not doing this pandemic:
Getting radio shows done on time. This is my classic procrastinator's pattern. I have a little bit of time to plan, & instead I read stuff online that depresses or enrages me, I eat, or I nap. I nap a lot. Like, probably an unhealthy amount. I actually think I nap for that moment when I wake when I have no idea what time it is, where I am, & what the hell I have been doing. That used to be frightening, now it's a comfort.
Which reminds me, something else I'm doing during this pandemic is:
Getting anything done. Sure, I have made some radio shows, but there are a million things I wish I could do - from finishing books I've started reading to simply getting ahead of the curve for other projects - that I am not taking the time to do. Yes, I have a good deal of anxiety & yes, I am often a bit depressed, but I have to admit that that's par for the course of my life. What is keeping me from doing this? I am not drinking more than usual. I am not doing other drugs or otherwise occupying my time in that way (although I do nap a lot). So what is it? Laziness. Pure & simple.
It's been so beautiful & warm around here lately so I wish I could tell you I've been spending time outside, but nope! I do walk the dogs twice a day, & am stunned by folks who require you to cross the street out of some weird privilege - dude, we have three dogs & one of them is a senior citizen who's old & slow, but sure, I'll move so you & your fucking husky can breeze past us - but that's not nearly as much time as the wife, who also has to work, has spent in our garden. Does sitting outside in the backyard on the porch playing games on the phone count? No. No, it doesn't.
Yes, I am eating a bit more. I am going to eat something now, in fact, while reading things that will raise my blood pressure online. I actually just saw something I thought was thoughtful & wanted to see what the reaction online was - & of course it was bugfuck crazy. We need to defend our "side" over anything - & luckily there are obfuscation tools available at the ready once you've committed. I feel awful for anyone who might have questions, or doubts, or reservations - surely you, like me, will be destroyed first.
Oh yeah, I mentioned I would eat something now. That's what I'll do, then.
Thinking about the future. No, my wife does that. Sometimes way into the future. Jobs have been lost, houses have been foreclosed upon, I suppose I might be arrested. That's her, not me. Mainly I am thinking about what radio show I need to do next. Which leads me to something else I'm not doing this pandemic:
Getting radio shows done on time. This is my classic procrastinator's pattern. I have a little bit of time to plan, & instead I read stuff online that depresses or enrages me, I eat, or I nap. I nap a lot. Like, probably an unhealthy amount. I actually think I nap for that moment when I wake when I have no idea what time it is, where I am, & what the hell I have been doing. That used to be frightening, now it's a comfort.
Which reminds me, something else I'm doing during this pandemic is:
Getting anything done. Sure, I have made some radio shows, but there are a million things I wish I could do - from finishing books I've started reading to simply getting ahead of the curve for other projects - that I am not taking the time to do. Yes, I have a good deal of anxiety & yes, I am often a bit depressed, but I have to admit that that's par for the course of my life. What is keeping me from doing this? I am not drinking more than usual. I am not doing other drugs or otherwise occupying my time in that way (although I do nap a lot). So what is it? Laziness. Pure & simple.
It's been so beautiful & warm around here lately so I wish I could tell you I've been spending time outside, but nope! I do walk the dogs twice a day, & am stunned by folks who require you to cross the street out of some weird privilege - dude, we have three dogs & one of them is a senior citizen who's old & slow, but sure, I'll move so you & your fucking husky can breeze past us - but that's not nearly as much time as the wife, who also has to work, has spent in our garden. Does sitting outside in the backyard on the porch playing games on the phone count? No. No, it doesn't.
Yes, I am eating a bit more. I am going to eat something now, in fact, while reading things that will raise my blood pressure online. I actually just saw something I thought was thoughtful & wanted to see what the reaction online was - & of course it was bugfuck crazy. We need to defend our "side" over anything - & luckily there are obfuscation tools available at the ready once you've committed. I feel awful for anyone who might have questions, or doubts, or reservations - surely you, like me, will be destroyed first.
Oh yeah, I mentioned I would eat something now. That's what I'll do, then.
Thursday, May 07, 2020
May 7, 2019
It may seem a little cheap to return to something I wrote barely a year ago, but today is a momentous day for me & my family. A year ago today we left a beautiful home & truly great neighbors to begin what would be an exhausting four-day trek across the United States to come live in Portland. I'm glad I wrote these travelogues every night in the hotel rooms. To this day I can't believe we actually did it. Here's what I wrote a year ago in a hotel room in - well, it's what the post was called:
Santa Rosa, New Mexico
We made it. 516 miles. Three dogs & me in a tiny Prius. Three cats & the wife in a rented minivan. (A Chrysler Pacifica if you really want to know.) The wife was happy because it had Sirius radio, & she loves the First Wave channel. I am exhausted.
Last night I couldn't get to sleep, which is par for the course. I get anxious before trips - my first trip by car to this part of the world, I spent the night until I collapsed from exhaustion around 3am thumbing through a Mapsco deciding the best route. (This was in 1995, in the days before GPS.) Then, as this morning, I woke at six. It's 9pm New Mexico time, & I am running on fumes. Which is great! I'll sleep like the dead tonight.
We planned to leave at eight but it took a little longer to get the house cleaned & our shit packed - kudos to the wife for putting four & half times as much as realistically possible into the minivan - & so far the only thing we left behind was Magda's lunch.
It was sad to let the house go. It's a lovely place, & I know even though they really can't miss it, the dogs (especially Pauline) are going to miss the beautiful yard. I think my anxiousness about last night was equal parts going from the house & going to Portland. The wife put so much work & so much of herself into the house & it was the most comfortable place I've ever lived. Even after all our belongings were taken away on Thursday, I would find myself going to this room or that as I had been doing for two or more years, out of habit, surprised that my stuff wasn't there anymore.
But I love moving, I love going to new cities, I am very excited about getting to know Portland. It's not that I have wanderlust per se, I just wish I could relocate every two or three years & spend time in a new place.
The dogs - who doubtless thought we were just going to the park - were easily cajoled into the car. The cats, however, were freaked out - we put them in an empty room while we packed up & it unnerved Bolan, who was quite frantic. Bronte & Boone hid in an empty closet, & they were easily grabbed & put into carriers. Bronte & Bolan shared a large one, Boone had to be by himself in a regular-sized one. The wife tells me that Bolan complained occasionally throughout the drive, & when we stopped & I checked on them, Bolan was meowing to get out while Boone & Bronte stayed in the back of the carriers. I wish I could have trained them to be walked like dogs!
We hit the road after 9, I got to hear a bit of my friends Pippin & Carole begging for money on the show I used to do, the Tuesday Morning Blend. They were much, much better at it than I was, & I was glad they were doing it & not me. The route began on I-30 till it became I-20 & wound its way through Weatherford, past Mineral Wells, through Abilene, & made a right onto 84 at Sweetwater. Thanks to the magic of cell phones, the wife & I talked a great deal of the drive, although I did listen to some new records, & a collection of Momus tunes I made so I could sing along. I didn't listen to any podcasts or books on tape, though I brought those, too - I just really love to listen to music when I drive.
We made a promise to stop every hour or so, for everyone but the cats to go pee, & we pretty much kept the schedule. We stopped outside Abilene to eat lunch - we brought a lot of food, since we ate out with friends pretty much the entire last week we were in Fort Worth (though, as I've said, the lunch Magda prepared for herself last night was left, we later realized, by our unused fireplace). While I was eating my sandwich, I met a fellow at a gas station who had a pro-beagle bumper sticker & I also met his beautiful sixteen-year-old beagle named Buster. The guy was so obviously pro-beagle that Winston, who is famously stingy with his love, gave him a lick when the fellow put his face close to Winston's.
The route took us around, & not through, Lubbock - which seems to have more wind turbines than oil derricks these days, hooray! but the same amount of stockyards, so boo! - & we had to improvise to find a gas station, which we did, in a town called Littlefield, at a service station on Waylon Jennings Road. Would you believe I was listening to Townes Van Zandt when we drove up? I was, but you don't have to believe it. It began to rain as we left, & the very gregarious cashier told us bad weather was coming. How did she know? I asked. She said, "I don't watch TV! It's just what people tell me!"
She's very good, it turns out. We later discovered we just missed a storm which included a tornado watch. We had escaped over the border to New Mexico by then.
The highway was smaller, & we had to drop from 75 mph to 35 mph in a matter of fractions of a mile from time-to-time. That happens in Texas, too, of course, & also there are generally cops there to give tickets to the unwary. About an hour from Santa Rosa - in a town called Fort Sumner - we met a young woman who was moving from Washington State - the wife noticed her license plates - to Austin (we asked). We talked about the Austin that we knew & she admitted that she was moving reluctantly - her husband recently got a job there. Magda thought I might sympathize but nope! There isn't a lot of reluctance with this move.
Highway 84 took us to Santa Rosa & I noticed we were in a new time zone. It is earlier than it once was. We sneaked the cats into the hotel room - luckily our room was near the back door - hey, we paid extra for three dogs! - & they were pretty unhappy. It's been a few hours & they've finally come out to eat. They still don't know what to make about the noise in the hallway, but I think they'll be fine - although I am not entirely sure they won't hide when it's time to go.
The hotel is on what used to be Route 66, so we walked the dogs a mile or so down the road & back & I took a lot of pictures of cool signs & abandoned places, two of my favorite things. I'll post the ones I like best at some point - to my personal Facebook page & to the show's Tumblr blog - but knowing how long it takes me to get through my pictures, I'll be settling into regular life in Portland by the time they make their appearances. Hey! I take a lot of dumb pictures! I go through them chronologically! They remind me how much I forget things!
For dinner, we ate leftover enchiladas I made in Lexington*. There are not a lot of vegan choices in Santa Rosa. Let me rephrase that. There are hardly any vegan choices in Santa Rosa. Might I try again. I would be surprised if there were vegan choices in Santa Rosa. The enchiladas were good. If I don't say so myself. Though I just did.
It's earlier than I feel, but I am exhausted. The wife has already fallen asleep. I had last driven in this part of the world maybe twenty-five years ago, & for some reason back then I usually drove around here at night. But the desert is lovely in its way & I've missed it. Like Jonathan Richman says, "When I'm in the desert, I wanna see the desert some more."
Luckily we're driving up into Utah tomorrow!
* (I wrote this sentence at the end of a very long day; of course I meant Fort Worth)
Santa Rosa, New Mexico
We made it. 516 miles. Three dogs & me in a tiny Prius. Three cats & the wife in a rented minivan. (A Chrysler Pacifica if you really want to know.) The wife was happy because it had Sirius radio, & she loves the First Wave channel. I am exhausted.
Last night I couldn't get to sleep, which is par for the course. I get anxious before trips - my first trip by car to this part of the world, I spent the night until I collapsed from exhaustion around 3am thumbing through a Mapsco deciding the best route. (This was in 1995, in the days before GPS.) Then, as this morning, I woke at six. It's 9pm New Mexico time, & I am running on fumes. Which is great! I'll sleep like the dead tonight.
We planned to leave at eight but it took a little longer to get the house cleaned & our shit packed - kudos to the wife for putting four & half times as much as realistically possible into the minivan - & so far the only thing we left behind was Magda's lunch.
It was sad to let the house go. It's a lovely place, & I know even though they really can't miss it, the dogs (especially Pauline) are going to miss the beautiful yard. I think my anxiousness about last night was equal parts going from the house & going to Portland. The wife put so much work & so much of herself into the house & it was the most comfortable place I've ever lived. Even after all our belongings were taken away on Thursday, I would find myself going to this room or that as I had been doing for two or more years, out of habit, surprised that my stuff wasn't there anymore.
But I love moving, I love going to new cities, I am very excited about getting to know Portland. It's not that I have wanderlust per se, I just wish I could relocate every two or three years & spend time in a new place.
The dogs - who doubtless thought we were just going to the park - were easily cajoled into the car. The cats, however, were freaked out - we put them in an empty room while we packed up & it unnerved Bolan, who was quite frantic. Bronte & Boone hid in an empty closet, & they were easily grabbed & put into carriers. Bronte & Bolan shared a large one, Boone had to be by himself in a regular-sized one. The wife tells me that Bolan complained occasionally throughout the drive, & when we stopped & I checked on them, Bolan was meowing to get out while Boone & Bronte stayed in the back of the carriers. I wish I could have trained them to be walked like dogs!
We hit the road after 9, I got to hear a bit of my friends Pippin & Carole begging for money on the show I used to do, the Tuesday Morning Blend. They were much, much better at it than I was, & I was glad they were doing it & not me. The route began on I-30 till it became I-20 & wound its way through Weatherford, past Mineral Wells, through Abilene, & made a right onto 84 at Sweetwater. Thanks to the magic of cell phones, the wife & I talked a great deal of the drive, although I did listen to some new records, & a collection of Momus tunes I made so I could sing along. I didn't listen to any podcasts or books on tape, though I brought those, too - I just really love to listen to music when I drive.
We made a promise to stop every hour or so, for everyone but the cats to go pee, & we pretty much kept the schedule. We stopped outside Abilene to eat lunch - we brought a lot of food, since we ate out with friends pretty much the entire last week we were in Fort Worth (though, as I've said, the lunch Magda prepared for herself last night was left, we later realized, by our unused fireplace). While I was eating my sandwich, I met a fellow at a gas station who had a pro-beagle bumper sticker & I also met his beautiful sixteen-year-old beagle named Buster. The guy was so obviously pro-beagle that Winston, who is famously stingy with his love, gave him a lick when the fellow put his face close to Winston's.
The route took us around, & not through, Lubbock - which seems to have more wind turbines than oil derricks these days, hooray! but the same amount of stockyards, so boo! - & we had to improvise to find a gas station, which we did, in a town called Littlefield, at a service station on Waylon Jennings Road. Would you believe I was listening to Townes Van Zandt when we drove up? I was, but you don't have to believe it. It began to rain as we left, & the very gregarious cashier told us bad weather was coming. How did she know? I asked. She said, "I don't watch TV! It's just what people tell me!"
She's very good, it turns out. We later discovered we just missed a storm which included a tornado watch. We had escaped over the border to New Mexico by then.
The highway was smaller, & we had to drop from 75 mph to 35 mph in a matter of fractions of a mile from time-to-time. That happens in Texas, too, of course, & also there are generally cops there to give tickets to the unwary. About an hour from Santa Rosa - in a town called Fort Sumner - we met a young woman who was moving from Washington State - the wife noticed her license plates - to Austin (we asked). We talked about the Austin that we knew & she admitted that she was moving reluctantly - her husband recently got a job there. Magda thought I might sympathize but nope! There isn't a lot of reluctance with this move.
Highway 84 took us to Santa Rosa & I noticed we were in a new time zone. It is earlier than it once was. We sneaked the cats into the hotel room - luckily our room was near the back door - hey, we paid extra for three dogs! - & they were pretty unhappy. It's been a few hours & they've finally come out to eat. They still don't know what to make about the noise in the hallway, but I think they'll be fine - although I am not entirely sure they won't hide when it's time to go.
The hotel is on what used to be Route 66, so we walked the dogs a mile or so down the road & back & I took a lot of pictures of cool signs & abandoned places, two of my favorite things. I'll post the ones I like best at some point - to my personal Facebook page & to the show's Tumblr blog - but knowing how long it takes me to get through my pictures, I'll be settling into regular life in Portland by the time they make their appearances. Hey! I take a lot of dumb pictures! I go through them chronologically! They remind me how much I forget things!
For dinner, we ate leftover enchiladas I made in Lexington*. There are not a lot of vegan choices in Santa Rosa. Let me rephrase that. There are hardly any vegan choices in Santa Rosa. Might I try again. I would be surprised if there were vegan choices in Santa Rosa. The enchiladas were good. If I don't say so myself. Though I just did.
It's earlier than I feel, but I am exhausted. The wife has already fallen asleep. I had last driven in this part of the world maybe twenty-five years ago, & for some reason back then I usually drove around here at night. But the desert is lovely in its way & I've missed it. Like Jonathan Richman says, "When I'm in the desert, I wanna see the desert some more."
Luckily we're driving up into Utah tomorrow!
* (I wrote this sentence at the end of a very long day; of course I meant Fort Worth)
Monday, May 04, 2020
Self Help Radio 050420: Maps
(Never the treasure on the map. Original image here.)
If you used a map to find this week's Self Help Radio, good for you! The show is in fact about maps. I am unaware of any actual maps made for the show - it's where all the shows turn up, at Self Help Radio dot net - but there are so many maps out there, I suspect it would be easy to repurpose, let's say, the #9 downtown to find your way to a radio show. Hey. It's not fun to get lost!
& you won't get lost. There are plenty of maps on today's show. There's even a GPS! & handy tips on making your own map! It's a mapstravaganza! A mappapalooza! A maptastic mapselebration! Sorry. I always take these things too far.
Visit the Self Help Radio website to listen to the show. You should know by now there's a username - SHR - & a password - selfhelp - which you need to enter but you won't have to do it more than once a visit. & of course all the songs & what happens on the show is noted below.
You're safe! You have a map now!
Self Help Radio Maps Show
"Maps" Yeah Yeah Yeahs _Fever To Tell_
"Maps" The Front Bottoms _The Front Bottoms_
"Map" Call & Response _Call & Response_
introduction & definitions (with the Definition-O-Tron 3000!)
"Map Of The World" Comsat Angels _Waiting For A Miracle_
"Maps For Lost Lovers" The Rosie Taylor Project _This City Draws Maps_
"Case Study: Maggie The GPS" Superego _Superego Season 2, Episode 7_
"The Map To Your Good Graces" Ad Frank _Mr. Fancypants_
"A Map Below" The Blue Aeroplanes _Detective Song_
interview with educational software Mappy The Map Maker
"Guess How Much I Love You" The Lucksmiths _A Good Kind Of Nervous_
"Maps & Legends" R.E.M. _Fables Of The Reconstruction_
"Moon Map" Jonathan Winters _Another Day, Another World_
"Map Ref. 41°N 93°W" Wire _154_
"Map Of The World" The Corn Dollies _The Corn Dollies_
interview with cartographer & psychologist Dr. Mortimer Davis
"Midnight Maps" Shriekback _Jam Science_
"Map Your Eyes" Bernthøler _Merry Lines In The Sky_
"Map Of The World" The Smothers Brothers _The Two Sides Of The Smothers Brothers_
"El Mapa" Family _Un Soplo En El Corazón_
"An Animated Description Of Mr. Maps" The Books _Lost & Safe_
interview with the Rev Dr Howard Gently
"Hey, Map My Way" Cutaways _Earth & Earthly Things_
"I'm Using My Bible For A Road Map" Porter Wagoner & The Blackwood Brothers Quartet _The Grand Old Gospel_
"Lewton Cole, The Doc, The Map, & The Gunfight" Roger Miller _Waterhole # 3_
"Off The Map" Guy Clark _The Dark_
"Dot On The Map" Volcano Suns _All-Night Lotus Party_
conclusion & goodbye
"New Map" M83 _Hurry Up, We're Dreaming_
"Maps For Sleep" Half String _Eclipse * Oval * Hue_
"Map" The Ex _Disturbing Domestic Peace_
Sunday, May 03, 2020
Whither Maps?
(Could this be the oldest map in the world? It's a map on a mammoth's tusk. It's from around 25,000 BCE. Read more at this link.)
Oh wow, do you see that picture up there? It's a map from maybe 27,000 years ago. It's an amount of time that's hard to wrap one's head around (although this quarantine has made it somewhat more understandable). Smart people who study these things aren't entirely sure what it's a map of - it could be a map of the area where it was found, in the current Czech Republic. Or it could have been a hunting map. It's just fascinating to think, human beings were making maps way back when. & I still can't tell someone exactly where the nearest dispensary is.
You might be wondering about my own fascination with maps. I will tell you two stories about my youth - one which I am certain I've mentioned here before, another that I haven't. I had this notion, because as a child I loved to look at maps, that every city was surrounded by railroad tracks. That's how you knew you were leaving one city & entering another. I hadn't thought about it before, but I suspect I might have thought that because of the broken line borders that designated boundaries, which perhaps I interpreted as railroads. Anyway, my family members disabused me of that notion by calling me an idiot when I spoke the idea out loud.
This did not deter me from thinking I might be helpful & come up with a kind of map. As I sat in the back seat while someone else (probably one of my brothers) was driving, I took to carrying a notepad & pencil & I attempted to scribble down the street names as we passed. In a sense I meant to make a kind of "word map" that would help someone - if you memorized, for example, "Medina, Prescott, Ridgedale," you'd be able to know where a street was off another street (in this case, Fifth Street) if you needed a sense of where something was located.
Also I really just wanted a list of every street name. That fascinated me. I don't always know when my projects as a child began & ended, but I know when this one was quashed: when I saw my first map of Garland. There, on the right hand side, was a list, in alphabetical order, of all the streets in the town. I don't know if that's what I wanted all along, but I remember having a feeling that someone has somehow beaten me to the punch. & I lost interest in that kind of cartography.
Until tomorrow, of course. An entire show about maps! But. I can't say when tomorrow - I am still operating on what I'm calling quarantime - but some time tomorrow I hope there'll be a Self Help Radio episode about maps. You can find it at the Self Help Radio website, but I'll announce it here & the other usual places.
You won't need to follow a map to find it. Although if I planned better, that would've been fun.
Saturday, May 02, 2020
Preface To Maps: Maps On Tumblr/New Uploads
You don't mind if I use today's blog for two things, do you?
Here's number one:
There's a blog I like a lot on Tumblr, which is called quite handily Maps On The Web. It's where the above image comes from, & where you can go to find out what exactly that map is supposed to represent. Or, you know, I could just tell you. It's "US States whose names' letters perfectly alternate between consonants & vowels." If that's something you enjoy, I recommend you visit.
Here's number two:
I have uploaded three recent KBOO shows to the Self Help Radio website. You can simply go to selfhelpadio.net to find them, or you can click the following direct links, remembering that you'll need to enter a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) to listen, at least the first time. The shows are:
A three-hour general format show that aired April 18.
The Dickenbock Report from April 21 (it's Episode Ten).
A two & a half general format show that aired April 23.
The Dickenbock Report episode was assembled in haste & has two glaring errors which I got to experience while live tweeting & couldn't do a thing about it. One is that I played a song twice. I don't know how that got by me. The other is that I didn't play a song, but still back-announced it. I'm sure it had something to do with both exhaustion as well as handling dozens of sound files. But even though no one would have noticed if I hadn't said something, I am still mortified by it.
That's all! Please enjoy!