(Original image here.)
It's true, mermaids live among us! While researching this show, in Fort Worth, which is nowhere near the ocean, I had a vision of mermaids playing poker in an undersea bar. The music was slow & murky, because, you know, you have to move through water to play the piano. & there were no drinks because you just had to open your mouth to drink something. In fact, it made no sense why there would be a bar underwater. But it was a vision, so it didn't have to make sense!
In my vision, after I ordered a scotch & soda at the bar (it never came) (for reasons explained above), one of the poker-playing mermaids motioned to me, & I went over. She told me her name was Glurble & she worked part-time as a real estate agent while she was working her way through college. She was so beautiful! She said she knew of some lovely coral I could easily make a home in but it was going fast, not because of people buying it, but because of climate change.
While I couldn't buy any property, I could offer to buy her a drink, which went over as well as might be expected. It turns out she was married, & I was too, even in a vision, which I thought massively unfair. But after she spurned me I became aware that she wasn't the only one: there were hundreds, thousands, possibly hundreds of thousands of mermaids, & they were all married!
It seemed appropriate that this be the subject of a radio show. & so it was. Hear the results of my scientific investigation now at the Self Help Radio Science Page. It's all true I swear! You'll need a username & password to enter, but that information is on the page. It's in two parts of almost-equal length, & what is in each section is below.
Spurned by Glurble! My heart remains broken.
"The Mermaid Song" Cab Calloway & His Orchestra _1941-1942_
"Song Of The Mermaid" Petula Clark _It Had to Be You: The Complete Early Singles_
"Mermaids" Paul Weller _Heavy Soul_
"Zennor Mermaid" The Hit Parade _Cornish Pop Songs_
"Mermaid" The Dollyrots _Whiplash Splash_
"Mermaid" Flight Of The Conchords _Folk The World Tour_
"My Mermaid & Me" Bill Soden _Fading Yellow, Vol. 6 (Another Rich Smorgasbord Of Timeless US Pop-Sike & Other Delights)_
interview with mermaid hunter Capt. David Fruchter
"The Mermaid" Ewan MacColl _Ye Mariners All: More Shanties & Forebitters_
"Let The Mermaids Flirt With Me" Mississippi John Hurt _D.C. Blues: The Library Of Congress Recordings, Vol. 1_
"The Mermaid" Frankie Laine _The Frankie Laine Collection_
"The Mermaid" Shel Silverstein _I'm So Good That I Don't Have To Brag_
"Blue Eyed Mermaid" Bobby Darin & The Jay Birds _The Complete Singles Collection_
"Mermaids & Surfer Girls" Colleen & Paul _Colleen & Paul_
"Mermaids" Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds _Push The Sky Away_
"Mermaid Smiled" XTC _Skylarking_
"Sweatshop Mermaid" Haircut _Sweatshop_
"Minnie The Mermaid (A Love Song In Fish Time)" Bernie Cummins & His Hotel New Yorker Orchestra _Baby How Can It Be (Songs Of Love, Lust, & Contempt From The 1920s & 1930s)_
"Little Mermaid Time" The Telephone Company _Panda Brain!_
"Mermaid Chant" Crushed Out _Teeth_
"Mermaids" Gingerlys _Gingerlys_
phone call from actual merman SteFin Seaborn
"Mermaids" I Am Kloot _I Am Kloot_
"Mermaid" Inspiral Carpets _The Beast Inside_
"Mermaid" Viva Saturn _Soundmind_
"Mermaid Drowning On Dry Land" Miles Dethmuffen _Clutter_
"At The Mermaid Parade" Katell Keineg _At The Mermaid Parade_
"In A Mermaid Tail" Po! _Horse Blanket Weather_