Don't Take Our Advice

I know, it seems absurd for Self Help Radio to be giving out advice. Almost no one expects to hear advice from a Self Help Radio show! But it turns out it's all right - it's not the show that's giving the advice, so much as the music on the show. Therefore Self Help Radio can't be legally liable for any advice you might take from the songs. Blame the singers, not the radio show!

The show is available for consultation at the Self Help Radio website. It's in two parts: part one is here & part two is here. All the advisory song titles are listed below.

As always, thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Get Yourself Together" Velocette _Get Yourself Together_
"Accept Yourself" The Smiths _This Charming Man_
"Be True To Yourself" Bobby Vee _The Look Of Love: The Burt Bacharach Collection_

"Respect Yourself" Staple Singers _Can You Dig It? The 70's Soul Experience, Vol. 2_
"Do It Yourself" Sprites _Starling, Spiders, Tiger & Sprites_
"Get A Grip On Yourself" The Stranglers _Rattus Norvegicus_
"Believe In Yourself" Sesame Street _Sesame Street Silver: The Tenth Anniversary Album_
"Help Yourself" Diamond Joe _Crescent City Soul: The Sound of New Orleans_

"Find Yourself, Pt. 1" Marvin Holmes _Bay Area Funk_
"Express Yourself" Charles Wright & The Watts 103rd Street Rhythm Band _Express Yourself: The Best Of Charles Wright_
"Pull Yourself Together" Hefner _Breaking God's Heart_

(part two)

"Let Yourself Go" Laptop _Don't Try This At Home_

"Eat Y'self Fitter" The Fall _Perverted By Language_
"Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself" Sandie Shaw _The Greatest Hits Of Sandie Shaw_
"Think For Yourself" The Beatles _Rubber Soul_
"Be Yourself" Whodini _Greatest Hits_

"Make Yourself A Happiness Pie" Roger Ruskin Spear _Electric Shocks_
"Just Be Yourself" LaBrenda Ben _The Complete Motown Singles: 1963_
"Be Yourself" The Antennas _Whip! Wobble & Grind! 1962-1964_
"Help Yourself" Railroad Jerk _One Track Mind_
"Get Yourself Together (Demo)" The Jam _Sound Affects_
"Find Out For Yourself" Acid House Kings _The Sound Of Young Sweden_

Whither Advice?

"Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it." Benjamin Franklin said that. I hope that means this show is for the some folks in between - & no, last week's show was the in between show, not this week's again, & - oh never mind.

It's very unusual for Self Help Radio to be doing such a self-help radio-y thing like giving advice. I have no advice to give. Well, I have one bit of advice to give: if you're lucky, enjoy it. If you're not, endure it. Sometimes it seems to me that experience & skill & art & demeanor are all helpless in the face of hard luck - & get all the credit in cases of good luck. That's all the advice I have.

But the music I play tomorrow will be filled with advice from people less shy than I to give advice. If you want to hear it - whether you take it or not, I don't care - you can do so from 7:30 to 9am tomorrow morning on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. You can listen to it on your radio or online at our website. (If you're reading this & only want to click once, you can click here to get the live music stream.) If you are late in getting this information, you can listen any time after tomorrow at the Self Help Radio website.

You may want to listen to Self Help Radio's show about advice - there might not be much self-help on the show for months afterwards!

Preface To Advice: Some People Can't Help But Give Advice

So you probably know someone who can't help but give advice. Sometimes it's someone who's perfectly handy, & maybe you've asked them for advice before - like when a tree branch has fallen & you might need to chop the tree down, or if it's something to do with plumbing - but since then, they imagine every innocent comment you make is a cry for help. Or maybe it's someone who you know for a fact is a complete fuck-up & you can't believe what they're telling you - they could be sitting in a pool of their own filth & they'd give you advice on personal hygiene.

The first type of person is always a nice fellow. Their advice might even be fine, but shouldn't you ask for the advice before it's given? Here is perhaps a sample conversation probably not drawn from real life:

You: Hey, good to hear from you.
The Adviser: How are things up north?
You: Oh, I'm excited, it's going to snow tonight!
The Adviser: You'll want to be careful driving in that snow. Let me tell you the best techniques...

The second type of person is pretty self-explanatory, but they have another terrible trait (well, the first probably has, too) of giving you advice for a third person on behalf of whom (they imagine) you're seeking their expertise. For example, & again, certainly not something that has ever possibly happened in real life:

The Adviser: How's the wife?
You: Oh, she's fine, but she's a little overextended at work.
The Adviser: You should tell her what I do to keep my work & home life separate...

You yourself have doubtless given advice unsolicited many times in your life, but it's not a serial problem with you. With these kinds of people, it really is. & there's probably no good advice out there on how to deal with them - confronting them will just make them defensive - except perhaps - uh oh here's some unsolicited advice - just stay away from them.

Happy Birthday Mitch Hedberg!

He would have been 44 today - my age. It was - & remains - a terrible loss. Luckily there's a lot of media that documents his awesomeness. Like this:

Thursday Picture Of A Pet

This magnificent bastard is named Bolan, a cat brought into our household by the woman I would soon marry, who wanted a cat all her own, & who raised him like a dog. (Actually, he was raised, much as Beatrice was, by my cat Buster, about whose life & sad, sad death I wrote about some time ago.) Bolan did grow up with two beagles, & was always fearless around them, & eats about as much as they do. I think he sometimes wonders why he doesn't have floppy ears.

He's a noisy guy, & stubborn, & ballsy. He will eat things that happen to be lying around, & we put him in a separate room at dinnertime because he'll inhale his food & then harass his sisters for theirs. I've seen him make off with dog treats - because he stands with the dogs expecting one himself.

I think he daydreams about taking me down one day. But then, being a cat, he seeing a spot of sunlight & settles down for some napping & grooming.

In Between This Show & The Next One

Self Help Radio learned this week that grammarians & aesthetes everywhere dislike the putting of a dash between "in" & "between" in the phrase "in between." Self Help Radio, unfortunately, LOVES putting dashes in between words. But I guess I see the point. The dash doesn't make much sense when you say things like "I stood in between you & your dog at the bus stop." But it somehow feels right to say "I like when I do my shows; I don't like the times in-between."

But every song I played today mentioned or was entitled "in between" in some way. I am a little prideful of that - I thought I might have to cheat & play a few plain old "between" songs. Not so! You can see the playlist below if you want to check. You can also listen to the show at the Self Help Radio website. Or! Do you want direct links? I will put them in between this word - link to part one + link to part two - & this word.

As always, thanks for listening!

(part one)

"In Between" Beat Happening _Jamboree_
"In-Between" Tree Fort Angst _Last Page In The Book Of Love_
"In Between" Judy Garland _The Complete Decca Masters (Plus)_

"In-Between Days" The Cure _The Head On The Door_
"In Betweens" The Only Ones _Even Serpents Shine_
"In Betweens" The Nils _The Nils_
"Somewhere In Between" Kate Bush _Aerial_

"Between The Devil & The Deep Blue Sea" Blossom Dearie _Give Him The Ooh-La-La_
"Call Me Mr. In-Between" Burl Ives _A Little Bitty Tear_
"The In-Between Years" James MacArthur _Hey! Look What I Found, Vol. 3_
"The In-Between" Magnapop _Mouthfeel_

(part two)

"In Between Buses" Las Robertas _Cry Out Loud_

"High, Low & In-Between" Townes Van Zandt _The Anthology: 1968-1979_
"In Between Love" Tom Waits _The Early Years, Vol. 2_
"Deep Down & In Between" Young Fresh Fellows _This One's For The Ladies_
"In Between Tears" Irma Thomas _In Between Tears_
"In Between" Pop Art _Really Blind Faith: A Retrospective 1984-1990_

"In Between" Secret Shine _The Beginning & The End_
"In Between & After" All Natural Lemon & Lime Flavors _Turning Into Small_
"In Between Times" Mice Parade _What It Means To Be Left-Handed_
"Houses In Between" The Water Walk _Thingamajig_
"Two Minds In Between" Guther _Sundet_

Whither In-Between?

I'm not a "tween," which is defined by Wikipedia as "that is, preadolescence, the stage between middle childhood & adolescence in human development, in the range of 10 to 12 years old," & not only that, I find tweens particularly boring.

Almost none of them listen to my show!

I'm also not the middle child - I have six brothers & sisters, & I was number six of the series of seven. Although technically I did come in between number five & number seven. I was the penultimate child, though!

There will be an entire show about things in between, or in-between, or just being in between something & another - tomorrow morning at 7:30 am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. You can listen to the show anywhere in realistic time by clicking here to get the audio stream. (This applies to all WRFL programming so you can click it any time!) I'll archive the show some time in between when I do & when it's already on my website, which is self help radio dot net.

I hope you listen some time in between now & then!

Preface To In-Between: In-Between Daze

I suspect many of us have in-between days. & time in between the hours of the day. It all depends on how we define the things we're in-between. For example, I am usually (about six days & twenty-one hours) in between regular scheduled radio shows. My radio shows last about three hours (ninety minutes of Sugar Substitute, ninety minutes of Self Help Radio) & the rest of the time I'm in between them.

Or consider meals. I eat on average two meals a day. Most of the time I'm in-between meals. No snacking in between!

Then there's this Peanuts cartoon to consider, from just over forty years ago (it appeared in newspapers February 17, 1982):



By the way, I've been alternating writing "in-between" & "in between" because I like writing "in-between" but grammarians tell me (not to my face) that the proper way to write it is "in between." I am hedging my bets with ferocious grammarians. Yet I think a dash add dash. Pun intended.

I am not programmed

to have this much fun.

Thursday Picture Of A Pet

This is Ringo. He's the first dog I've ever owned myself (my family dog when I was growing up was technically my mother's, & George belongs mainly to my wife, Magda) but he was also the first animal that I adopted with my wife (who at the time was my girlfriend). She was away for the summer of 2004 but was always sending me images from a hound rescue website in Houston, Texas. He had been rescued from people who used him (this is true) as a bait dog for pit bull fighting. His left eye, as you can see above, doesn't work anymore - it was almost ripped out of his head.

We call him our "love child" because he was my present to Magda after her being away all summer. Turns out he was also a present to George, with whom he became best friend & co-conspirator. He's a very waggish dog & very snuggly, & also terribly lazy. Though when he wants to run, he can. & does.

It hasn't really snowed here in Lexington this winter, but I snapped this pic a week or so ago when there was a little snow in the air. & on Ringo.

Hello Lovesick Friend!

Today Self Help Radio examined your condition in detail. We touched your sweaty palms, we noted your weak knees, we watched you form labored sentences in your dry mouth, we worried about your increased heart rate, & we asked you to sit down when you complained of light headedness. Then we played songs about being lovesick for you. What the hell else could we do?

If you'd like to have some empathy from lovesick musicians from the past few decades, you can listen to the show at the Self Help Radio website. As always, the show is divided into two parts for easy consumption, & you can find part one pumping blood out from the left ventricle & part two bringing blood back through the right atrium. Though the contents might be a little bloody, they are listed below.

Have a happy Valentine's Day! & thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Lovesick" The Arrogants _Your Simple Beauty_
"Lovesick" Jackie & Roy _Lovesick_
"Love Sick" Orange Juice _The Glasgow School (Coals To Newcastle CD1)_

"Lovesick Blues" Emmett Miller _American Yodeling 1911-1946_
"Lovesick" Lisa Germano _Excerpts From A Love Circus_
"Love Sickness" Sir Mack Rice _The Complete Stax-Volt Soul Singles: 1959 - 1968_
"Lovesick" Gang Starr _Mass Appeal: The Best Of Gang Starr_
"Lovesick" Autonervous _Nostalgia Del Buio_

"Love Sick" Mariachi El Bronx _Chimes Of Freedom: The Songs Of Bob Dylan_
"Crazy Lovesick Fool" Brak & Zoak _Space Ghost's Musical Bar-B-Que_
"Lovesick" Mike Berry & The Innocents _Don't You Think It's Time: R&R Hits From The 60s & 70s_

(part two)

"Lovesick" Broder Daniel _Saturday Night Engine_
"Lonesome Lovesick Blues" Katherine Henderson _Clarence Williams & The Blues Singers, Vol 2: 1927-1932_

"Love Sickness" Sandy Trapp _Love Sickness_
"A Favor For A Girl (With A Love Sick Heart)" Brenda Holloway _The Motown Anthology_
"Lovesick" Lindstrøm & Christabelle _Real Life Is No Cool_
"Minors At Nite (Still Sick)" Adult. _Resuscitation_
"Lovesick" King Khan & The Shrines _Mr. Supernatural_

"Mayfly" Belle & Sebastian _If You're Feeling Sinister_
"Love Sickness" The Camelots _Doo Wop Radio: A Tribute To The DJs, Vol. 1_
"Love Sick Tears" Koko Taylor _Koko Taylor_
"Love Sick Dog" Willie Alexander & The Jackals _Throbbing Lobsterclaws_
"Lovesick Blues" Bertha "Chippie" Hill _Louis Armstrong & The Blues Singers_

Whither Lovesick?

Though I don't advocate for Valentine's Day, since it does seem to make more people miserable than happy, & seems to enrich some truly greedy people in our society, I do a Valentine's Day show every year because I can't help myself. (It's the same with Christmas.) (It's not the same with Arbor Day.)

This will be Self Help Radio's ninth Valentine's Day show. It's about lovesickness. What have the previous Valentine's Day shows been about? I'm glad you axed!

VDay 2003: Valentine's Day (generally)
VDay 2004: Love
VDay 2005: Hate
VDay 2006: (cancelled due to burned-down radio station)
VDay 2007: Crushes
VDay 2008: Jealousy
VDay 2009: Boyfriends
VDay 2010: Girlfriends
VDay 2011: Love Songs

It's on tomorrow morning at 7:30 am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. The WRFL website is wrfl dot fm. You can listen to the show anywhere in the world from there. This right here is a direct link to the station's audio stream. I will archive the show later in the day for all your Valentine's Day needs at self help radio dot net.

I'll be giving away valentines tomorrow. You may want one!

Preface To Lovesick: It's Like Hunger

Is being without love like being without food? People who are experiencing lovesickness often act as if they are in pain, & the stomach hurts a lot. But hunger is not like indigestion - perhaps lovesickness is more like gastro-intestional distress than hunger. Hard to keep food down. Lots of hurking.

Self Help Radio has often thought of starting a kind of "lovesick cafe," with expensive food that no one really eats because they're feeling like shit, so the food doesn't have to be terribly good. It might even be recycled!

It would be fun to program the music for a place like that.

Lovesick is like hunger in that it affects the entire body, though. That's pretty true. Hunger will waste you away like lovesickness.

However. There might be those who think that hunger - which is a terrible problem that afflicts a depressing percentage of the world's population - shouldn't be compared with lovesickness, which isn't acknowledged by the psychiatric community as a real sickness. Those people might not understand the concept of a metaphor. That's too bad.

Can pets be lovesick? Yes. Yes, they can.

Letter To A Famous Person

Do you worry about urinary tract infections? Or do you have a urologist on speed dial? Could there be such things as lousy urologists? Wouldn't someone enter that profession to make the most money possible? So wouldn't they want to be the best urologist possible? This is something perhaps you know.

What makes you most sad, being misunderstood or being only able to relate to other famous people? Is it enough that you can now be friends with George Clooney? Do you talk about important things, even private things, around the people who work for you in the same way that the aristocracy talk around servants - as if they're not even there, utterly secure in the knowledge they won't tell anyone your awful secrets? Do you think people other than you feel resentment?

You might google yourself every once in a while. Or do you have someone who does that for you? Do you trust that person? Don't you think that person whom you've hired to search for stuff online about you might edit some of the comments found? Because he or she is getting paid not to engage you but to flatter your ego? Does that bother you? Do you remember a time when that might've bothered you?

People imagine the famous dying in horrible ways far more often than they imagine anyone else dying. This is almost certainly a scientific fact. Does that flatter you? If at some point in time something impossibly magical happens in the universe, like an assassin genie or a death ray, would you be happy to be the first famous person utterly destroyed by the rage of someone who will never be famous? What if the person with the death ray or the assassin genie made sure you suffered terribly for it? Note: there would not be an award - posthumous or otherwise - for your suffering.

Wouldn't it be nice if you sent out greeting cards from time to time? Yourself, of course, not your assistant. Just taking a little time to send greeting cards, cards you've purchased yourself, it can be in a gift shop or in a drug store, it doesn't matter, cards you've purchased yourself and written in yourself, sent to perhaps family or old friends, if you still have any. Even to George Clooney. Wouldn't that be nice? You could pretend then you have something like a soul!

Do you know why you're so easily offended? Do you need an analyst to tell you why? How about some kind of spiritual medium, like a Scientologist or a Magic Eight Ball? Are you as comforted as most people to know that nothing lasts forever?

That's enough for now. Thank you for your time.

Thursday Picture Of A Pet

This is my dog George. He's the oldest non-human animal in the house - he'll be fourteen in April. I met him in the fall of 2001, & we were not always friends. He loved his mother most of all, & was disturbed when I entered the picture. But we became friends over time, & now we love each other quite a lot. I still think he loves his mother more than me.

Just recently he ate about a pound & a half of birdseed. Though I've had beagles in my life for over ten years now, I still occasionally do dumb things like leaving opened containers of birdseed out for them to pillage. Beagles are foodies & will eat pretty much anything.

He was very sick for a couple of days, & like most animals, he looked miserable, since he had no idea what was happening to him nor why. & frankly, seeing a shaky old dog vomit & poop birdseed is one of the saddest things you'll ever see. He got better though. He'd eat more birdseed if it were still around.

He's old so he sleeps a lot. I admire his old white face & his happiness in slumberland.

Bumpity Bump

Self Help Radio bumped along today. It was a bumpy ride. I might have bumped my head. Can anyone here diagnose a hematoma? Many of the bumpy songs seem to postulate a dance called "the bump." The dance might also require "a grind." It just seems a little less than wholesome. That's all I'm saying.

The show in its entirety is at the Self Help Radio website. But! If you need a quick bump, you can listen to the two parts directly here: part one, bump bump, & then part two. What is in each part is below. Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!

& thanks for listening!

(part one)

"The Bump" The Commodores _Caught In The Act_
"The Bump" Kenny _The Singles Collection Plus_
"The Bump (Part 1)" The Everyday People _The Everyday People_

"New Orleans Bump (Take 2)" Jelly Roll Morton & His Orchestra _The Jelly Roll Morton Centennial: His Complete Victor Recordings_
"Bump & Boogie (Part 1)" The Wrecking Crew _The Complete Stax-Volt Soul Singles: 1972-1975_
"Goombay Bump" Jay Mitchell _Cult Cargo: Grand Bahama Goombay_
"Bumpin' & Stompin'" Garland Green _Northern Soul's Guilty Secrets_

"Bumpity Bump" Smiley Lewis _Juke Joint Jive_
"Do The Double Bump" Rufus Thomas _The Funkiest Man Alive: The Stax Funk Sessions 1967-1975_
"I Love To Bumpity Bump (On A Bumpy Road With You)" Guy Lombardo & His Royal Canadians _Songs The Bonzo Dog Band Taught Us_
"Bumper Crop" Volcano Suns _Bumper Crop_

(part two)

"Humpin', Bumpin' & Thumpin'" Andre Williams _Movin' On: Greasy & Explicit Soul Movers (1956-1970)_

"Jump & Bump" The Flares _Foot Stompin'_
"Bumpercars" Andy Partridge _Fuzzy Warbles, Vol. 4_
"Humpty Bump (Parts 1 & 2)" Vibrettes _Eddie Bo's Funky Funky New Orleans_
"Bump & Grind" Tenor Fly _An England Story: 25 Years Of The MC In The UK_
"Bumpin'" Ground Hog _Curtom Funk_

"Bump Miss Susie" Big Joe Turner with Van 'Piano Man' Walls Orchestra _Atlantic Blues (1949-1970)_
"Bump'n From The Middle" Act 1 _Act 1_
"Bumper To Bumper" Eleventh Hour _Hollywood Hot_
"Bumps Boogie" King Porter _Rare West Coast Jump 'N' Jive 1945-1954_
"Speed Bumps" Boston Spaceships _Let It Beard_

Whither Bump?

I don't really know where the idea for this show came from. It appeared on the Self Help Radio queue & it made me very nervous. How many songs are about bumping? How many could there be? Before I sat down to think about it, the only song that popped into my head was "Children Of The Revolution" by T Rex, which contains the phrase "you can bump & grind." Would that be how this show went?

No! It would not! I sprang into action! I learned how to do The Bump! I refused something called "a bump" (which I was told "would get me high") at a dance club from a stranger! I tangled with things that go bump in the night! (In my house, those are cats.) I got goose bumps thinking about the show! Then I tried to find music.

That wasn't as much fun as learning The Bump.

No, it was plenty fun! The show will be a bumpin' good time. & it's on tomorrow (that's Monday) morning from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. This is a direct link to the audio stream of the station. I'll archive the show later on the Self Help Radio web site.

I'm glad I didn't hit a speed bump!

Preface To Bump: A Bump On The Head

The internets is a scary place. Look at the title of this web page: A Simple Bump On The Head Can Kill You

I bump my head almost too often. It never gets as comically huge as it can - & no one has ever filmed a bump on my head on a plane - but I especially hit my head a lot when I am putting away dishes & forget the cabinet doors above the dishwasher are open.

There are many different kinds of head injuries, & luckily, this website tells me "[M]ost people recover from head injuries & have no lasting effects." You have convinced me of your benevolence internets!

Meanwhile, make sure you notice the sign that tells you not to bump your head on the sign:

Happy Birthday Gertrude Stein!

Here she is reading a poem to Picasso. (Audio only.)

Thursday Picture Of A Pet

This is my cat Beatrice. She's the pet I've had who's been with me the longest, entering my life in the summer of 2000, a very shy & skittish little thing who, before she became too big to do so, used to amuse my by running up my curtains.

I taught her how to poop! It's true. She apparently didn't know (maybe she was weaned too early) & so I looked online to discover that a mother cat will lick the baby cat's bottom to encourage poopage. I chose to use a warm towel.

She's never thanked me for that.

She's quite lovely, don't you think?

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!

Oh, Self Help Radio was a greedy radio show today with all its gimme gimme gimme! What did it want? Gimme everything! it said. A difficult show to be sure but what do you expect? It's just nine years old!

There were too many gimmes on the show today & you can listen to them at the Self Help Radio web site. Should you prefer to listen to the show directly, there are links to the show's two parts here: part one & part two. You don't have to say "Gimme!" - what's in each part is listed below.

If I had thought about it sooner, or if I put any real planning into the show, I might have made gimme caps to give away. But I didn't. Oh well!

(part one)

"Gimme" Freddie Fresh _Accidentally Classic_
"Gimme Gimme" Bo Diddley _The Chess Years (1955-1974)_
"Gimme, Gimme, Gimme" Hot Lips Page _1946-1950_

"Gimmie, Gimmie" Bobbyteens _Young & Dumb_
"Gimme The Nite" Laptop _The Old Me Vs. The New You_
"Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'" The Mitch Easter Sound _Right To Chews: Bubblegum Classics Revisited_
"Gimme Some Of Yours" Rhetta Hughes _Relight My Fire_
"Gimme You" Sado Nation _History Of Portland Punk, Vol. 1_
"Gimme Gimme" The Demands _Garage Justice Vol 1_

"Gimme Some" Nina Simone _Four Women: The Nina Simone Philips Recordings_
"Gimme Some Lovin'" The Spencer Davis Group _The British Invasion: The History Of British Rock, Vol. 4_
"Gimme A Little Sign" Brenton Wood _Baby You Got It_

(part two)

"Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment" The Ramones _Hey! Ho! Let's Go: The Anthology_
"Gimme Some Truth" John Lennon _Imagine_

"Gimme Shelter" Merry Clayton _Strange Games & Funky Things Vol. 5_
"Gimme Some Slack" The Cars _Panorama_
"Gimme A Li'l Taste" Al Miller _Complete Works In Chronological Order (1927-36)_
"Gimme Danger" The Stooges _Raw Power_
"Gimme Dat Ding" The Pipkins _Super Hits Of The 70's: Have A Nice Day! Vol. 6_

"Gimme Some Skin" Delta Rhythm Boys _Dry Bones_
"Gimme A Little Kiss" Michael Landon _Hey! Look What I Found Vol. 11_
"Gimme A Try" Clarence Reid _The Dial Records Southern Soul Story_
"Gimme Bubblegum!" The Fantasies _Earth Life_
"Gimme Some Time" The Nerves _One Way Ticket_
"Gimme Your Heart" Subs _Kilt By Death: The Sound Of Old Scotland_

Whither Gimme?

There are a lot of songs with the word "gimme" in the title or within.

There are a lot more with the proper, not contracted version "give me" in the title or within.

Self Help Radio aims to explore the "gimmes" not the "give mes."

Even though there are a lot of "give me" songs that we will not get to play. Because the songs aren't entitled "gimme." We must therefore assume, although it does seem like a lot of the singers are singing "gimme," that in fact they are singing "give me."

What a shame.

Gimme Self Help Radio, you say? It's on tomorrow morning at 7:30 am in Lexington on 88.1 fm WRFL. You can listen online at WRFL dot fm, & because someone asked for it, here's a direct link to the stream.

The show will be archived later tomorrow at self help radio dot net.

Gimme, gimme, gimme. Greedy! You're greedy!

Preface To Gimme: Give It Me

According to the Wikipedia, a "gimme" in golf is "a shot that the other players agree can count automatically without actually being played." I remember once when someone requested a song for a particular theme, it seemed such an obvious choice, I said, "That's what we in the biz call a 'gimme.'" I don't know if at the time I knew the meaning of the golf term but it seems like I did. Though I didn't use it in quite the same way. Chances are my brain was repeating the phrase from a movie or a television show.

Looking for the phrase online, I am seeing it used not as "something obvious" but as "something free." So I used the word incorrectly. But the sentence felt right when I wrote it. So I think I will continue to use it in that way. & perhaps I can encourage other people to use it in that manner, which means, according to the rules of grammar, it may acquire that additional meaning in 350 years.

Start now!

By the way, I am so not "in the biz." I have never been paid to deejay nor do I imagine I ever will be. It's like a joke a friend of mine made to another Gary when that Gary (I swear it wasn't me!) said he would make a great gigolo. My friend, "Don't ever try to be a prostitute, Gary - you'll lose money on the deal."

That's how I feel about me being a professional deejay - I'd end up paying someone to do it. It would not be a 'gimme.' Not for me, anyway.

Damn it I used it correctly!

Happy Birthday Patton Oswalt!

This Self Help Radio favorite is just a year younger than the Self Help Radio host. Egads!

I bet he won't celebrate his 43rd birthday in any special manner...

Learn Those Minced Oaths!

You do not want to offend nor profane nor blaspheme. Oaths may find their way up up up to the Lord's ears. Learn instead to mince your oaths for the sanctity of your soul.

Say "begorrah" instead of "by God!" & "bejabbers" instead of "by Jesus." Other replacements for "by God!" are "by George," "by gum," "by gosh" (boring), "by golly," & "by Jove!"

If you must damn someone in the place of our Lord's more acceptable damnation, you can avoid saying "God damn" or "God damn it" by saying "Dad gum!" or "Dagnabbit!" "Doggone!" is also an acceptable "Goddamn!" Someone you just damned could be "gosh darned." Say "dang" or "darn" to fool the omniscient Creator of the Universe, & feel free to refer to the state of damnation as "tarnation."

If you must refer to the Son of God, you can call him by his first name secretly as "gee whiz" & "gee willikers" & "jeebus." As his last name (or is it his title?) you can say "Crikey!" & "Criminy!" & "Cripes!" Must you say his full name? It's your eternal soul! Try "Cheese & Rice" or "Jeepers Creepers" or "Jeezy Creezy!" Heck, some even say "Judas Priest" is code for the Son Of Man. How's that for breaking the law?

You might want to simply add, for emphasis, the phrase "for Christ's sake," but that would be breaking a commandment. So how about "Chrissakes" or (even safer) "for crying out loud!" There is of course the chance He (junior) wouldn't be too happy about that, so you might want to reference his subordinates. In case they have punishing powers up above, say "for Pete's sake" or "for the love of Mike" to refer to Saint Peter & Saint Michael, respectively.

There are more archaic but just as surreptitious oaths you can say, which may baffle the Old Dude Upstairs since no one really uses the phrases they are hiding. Say "cor blimey" to mean "God blind me" & He probably won't know what you're talking about. Say "Drat" to mean "God rot it." Say "crivvens" not just because no one you've ever known has, but because it means "Christ defend us!"

You can refer to odd things that the Good Lord owns, like his hooks ("gadzooks" equals "god's hooks") or his wounds ("zounds" means "god's wounds," or "by His wounds"). "Strewth," which you're likely to hear mainly on British comedies, is "His truth" truncated, but the French sacré bleu is apparently a minced oath from France meaning "sang de Dieu," the blood of God.

Or you can profane & blaspheme like Sylvester the Cat. Did you know "suffering succotash" meant "suffering savior"? Now you do!

Self Help Radio Is Everything

"Everything is..." said Self Help Radio. Everything is what? Why do ellipses bother me so? Mightn't I have simply put a blank space (as in "fill in the blank") rather than those three dots that mean a thought is trailing off? What is everything! Tell me now!

The show tried to finish that sentence but you will have to decide if it truly did. To make that decision, you'll have to listen. To listen, you'll have to find where I've put the files. To find where I've put the files - oh, you know. They're at the Self Help Radio website. If you're impatient & would like to download the shows directly, that can be accommodated. Part one of the show is on this side of everything while part two of the show is on that side of everything. Everything that's in each part is listed below.

(part one)

"Everything Is" Neutral Milk Hotel _Everything Is_
"Everything Is Black" The Faintests Ideas _What Goes Up Must Calm Down_
"Everything's Alright" David Bowie _Pin Ups_

"Everything's Explodin'" The Flaming Lips _Oh My Gawd!!!... The Flaming Lips_
"Everything's Coming Up Roses" The Modernaires _Like Swung_
"Everything's Wrong" A House _Rarities_
"Everything's Alright (w/ Danielle Ferguson)" Kimya Dawson _My Cute Fiend Sweet Princess_
"Everything Is Broken" Bob Dylan _Oh Mercy_
"Everything Is Relative" Beatnik Filmstars _In Hospitalable_

"Everything Is Cool" The Pork Chops _Rhythm & Blues Vol. 3_
"Everything's On Fire" Shriekback _Naked Apes & Pond Life_

(part two)

"Everything's Gone Green" New Order _Movement_
"Everything Is Fresh Today" Jack Hodges The Raspberry King _Songs The Bonzo Dog Band Taught Us_

"Everything's Fine" Adorable _Sistine Chapel Ceiling_
"Everything Is Not OK" Miles Hunt _Hairy On The Inside_
"Everything Is Good About You" The Supremes _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 5: 1965_
"Everything Is Weird" They Go Boom!! _Beyond Tomorrow_

"Everything's Disappeared" Steinski _What Does It All Mean?_
"Everything's Just Fine" Earwig _La-Di-Da... So Far..._
"Everything's Alright When You're Down" The Jesus & Mary Chain _Barbed Wire Kisses_
"Everything Is Average Nowadays" Kaiser Chiefs _Yours Truly Angry Mob_

Whither Everything Is...?

Some things don't fill in the blank. Please don't bring up the logical fallacy of appeal to consequences of a belief. Some things do fill in the blank. These are the things that deserve a proper attention span.

When one's brain processes time (apparently) differently, it's not unusual to look up & see that three minutes have passed. Older people often express the same kind of thought when looking over their overlooked life. When it has so much to teach, why is boredom all but forgotten by the mass of humanity?

Everything is. Nothing isn't. These generalities can be embarrassing. The brain has a prescribed memory capacity, it can make things easier for itself when it gathers what it needs to know underneath a generic plural noun or pronoun.

There was once a man who couldn't help but speak in couplets. Sometimes he added internal rhyme. Assonance was not unknown, though he did eschew alliteration. It made passers-by imagine things were going horribly wrong somewhere.

Was there something else? At the sound of the bell, there will be another Self Help Radio, for better or for ill. On the air in Lexington Kentucky from 7:30 to 9:00 am on Monday morning at 88.1 fm on the dial. Will there be a live audio stream? If not, there is always the show archived later at that website.

Everything is all right. Unless everything is not.

Preface To Everything Is...: Is What?

Oh criminy crackers Self Help Radio's doing it again. Why couldn't Self Help Radio have a normal theme, something that's a noun. Not another phrase! "Everything is..." What could that possibly mean?

Do you know the number of perfectly good themes that Self Help Radio hasn't covered yet? It's gotta be a bazillion plus! What about "cars" or "rain" or some other simple type theme? People can get behind that shit! They might even like a show about "shit"! Well, the FCC probably wouldn't. What if it was "fecal matter"? There's sure a lot of shitty music out there!

That was a terrible joke but it was only as terrible as a theme that's a phrase. Remember when Self Help Radio did as a theme "Here he/she/it/you/they come(s)"? What a mess that was! People turned their radios off in disgust! Or turned to the new hip hop station. That's a good station. They don't even do "themes" there. They just play the hits!

Not Self Help Radio, no. Remember when Neil Young did that "It's Time For Themes! Radio Show"? He had themes like "work" & "famous people" & "Christmas." That's how radio shows with themes ought to be. It's too bad that guy stopped making those shows. Did he get fired? Can someone fire Self Help Radio?

Maybe Self Help Radio should do a show about getting fired! & quitting! Maybe it can air instead of "everything is..." They can play that song "Take This Job & Shove It." & other songs! What a great idea! Someone make Self Help Radio do that! Before everything is ruined!

Wait a second...

Happy Birthday To Me!

Today I am 44! Jesus Christ that's old! I never imagined I'd live to be forty-four. Do you want to know who else didn't make it past their forty-fourth year?

Robert Louis Stevenson.

F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Billie Holiday.

Anton Chekhov.

D.H. Lawrence.

Jackson Pollock.

Stephen Vincent Benét.

Henry David Thoreau.

& Gerard Manley Hopkins.

Terrible losses, all. Still, if I don't make it through this year, I can at least know it's probably not because of tuberculosis, which took the lives of at least three of the folks up there. (Alcohol did most of the rest.)

Blackout Drunk Blog

Just in case you were wondering why this blog (or selfhelpradio.net) wasn't blacked out yesterday during the day without internet, it's not that Self Help Radio supports the ridiculous SOPA & PIPA bills. It opposes them. Adamantly. Fervently.

It's just that the Self Help Radio website gets less than ten hits a day. This blog is lucky to get ten hits a week. It would have been an empty gesture to go black for a day when there's a better than average chance that no one would notice. It would've been far more powerful if Google had gone down for the day. Or reference sites for music lovers, like the All Music Guide. As usual, Wikipedia held the moral high ground.

As with most things in American politics, the greedheads are too obvious, & their stooges too willing to do anything for all that money. Some people choose to believe such corporate lackeys & their labored explanations for taking away the freedom built into the internet. Self Help Radio doesn't need those sorts of people to listen to its shows. The people who might enjoy this clumsy, stumbling radio program have almost certainly already helped out & let their representatives know how they felt. There's a link if you haven't yet.

Self Help Radio feels guilty it didn't stand in solidarity with the internet yesterday. It just really didn't think anyone would notice or care if it did.

The Spirit Of '76

As you know, it's my birthday week, & every year on my birthday week, I use Self Help Radio as an excuse to go back in time & explore my favorite music from a particular year. I started in 1968, the year I was born, & have found my way now in 1976, America's bicentennial, when punk was saving rock & roll & scaring the bejebbus out of British people. Looking over the year I also managed to find some early new wave, some funky stuff, & even my favorite disco song of all time. I asked to have an extra thirty minutes for the show because so many songs were so damn long. I had to play the entire title track of Bowie's "Station To Station" because it's awesome.

The show is of course at the Self Help Radio web site where it sits in two lengthy parts, the contents of which are listed below. Part one is here. & then: Part two is here.

I was told by a caller that on this day in 1976 Peter Frampton released "Frampton Comes Alive." Alas, he did not make the list of my favorite music of the year. I did not feel like he felt.

Yes! A Peter Frampton joke! You heard me!

My apologies.



(part one)

"Station To Station" David Bowie _Station To Station_

"Amelia" Joni Mitchell _Hejira_
"Isis" Bob Dylan _Desire_

"Chrome Sitar" T.Rex _Futuristic Dragon_
"Let's Stick Together" Bryan Ferry _Let's Stick Together_
"I Like Girls" Sparks _Big Beat_
"X Offender" Blondie _Blondie_
"Heat Treatment" Graham Parker _Heat Treatment_

"Roadrunner" The Modern Lovers _The Modern Lovers_

(part two)

"Final Solution" Pere Ubu _Final Solution_
"Blitzkrieg Bop" The Ramones _The Ramones_
"(I'm) Stranded" The Saints _(I'm) Stranded_
"New Rose" The Damned _New Rose_
"Anarchy In The UK" The Sex Pistols _Anarchy In The UK_

"Pastime Paradise" Stevie Wonder _Songs In The Key Of Life_
"Everything Is On The One" Parliament _The Clones Of Dr. Funkenstein_
"Get Up Offa That Thing (Release The Pressure)" James Brown _Get Up Offa That Thing_
"The Rubberband Man" The Spinners _Happiness Is The Spinners_
"More, More, More (Pt. 1)" Andrea True Connection _The Disco Years, Vol 1: Turn The Beat Around (1974-1978)_

"Important In Your Life" Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers _Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers_
"I Want More" Can _Flow Motion_
"La Düsseldorf" La Düsseldorf _La Düsseldorf_

Whither 1976?

This week I will turn 44 years old, & since the beginning of Self Help Radio, on the show that happens on or before my birthday, I have gone back in time to explore my favorite music from a bygone year. I started at 1968, the year I was born, & have progressed one year with each year of the show. I have now reached - or will reach tomorrow - 1976.

In 1976 I had my first real contact with a disc jockey. I had already become obsessed with music. Certain songs, especially the ones with stories, intrigued me. At Christmas this year, I would receive my first album: Elton John's Greatest Hit, primarily for the song "Rocket Man."

But when I made contact with an actual radio station, it was this song I wanted to hear: Rhinestone Cowboy by Glenn Campbell. I remember asking my mother, while she was doing things as I sat on the floor listening to the radio, if I could call the radio station to request that song. The deejay had, after all, said the number several times. She said I could!

I called & requested the song. I remember being very surprised that the deejay himself answered. Even now, I get calls from people asking to speak to "the guy who was just on the radio." As if there's someone between the deejay & the listener. But not in 1976. He said he'd play it. I was ecstatic.

I waited for over forty minutes for the song. At one point, my mother yelled at me for turning the radio up too loud, but I had to go to the bathroom & had to keep listening. It seemed to me that the station played one or two songs more than once in that little span of time, but no "Rhinestone Cowboy." I don't recall whether I asked my mother for permission, but I called the deejay back.

I told him I had requested the song, & he had said that he'd play it, & that that had happened nearly an hour ago. Now, I obviously sounded like a little kid. I had a high voice & was all of eight years old. But the deejay lied to me. He said, "I just played it. You must have missed it."

I don't know if I already knew that adults could just lie to you like that - I come from a family of bullshitters, ones that are terrible at lying but do not let that stop them. But I was astonished that the man on the other end of the line could be so brazen. I had been listening faithfully for an hour, & he dismissed me.

What life lessons I took from this immediately, I don't know, but over time I became suspicious of fm radio. I remember - this is much later, when I was in my teens - even casually marking down, while I was doing homework, the songs that one station played over & over. Perhaps I was learning that it was a scam, & perhaps it made me appreciate non-commercial radio all the more when I finally discovered it.

Which reminds me: Self Help Radio is on one fine non-commerical radio station, WRFL, for two whole hours tomorrow. That's 88.1 fm on the dial, online at wrfl.fm. I know it's a holiday, so you can wait until it's archived at self help radio dot net if you want. But it's going to be all my favorite music from 1976, so why wait?

Preface To 1976: Thugs Hangout Late

I was eight years old for three hundred & forty-six of 1976's three hundred & sixty-six days. (It was a leap year.) I was in second grade when it started, & lived at that time in an apartment complex on Kingsley Road in Garland, Texas, called the Lockwood Arms. (It's still there, but the name has changed. (I wrote about that place here.) We moved to another apartment complex a street over called Little Brook Apartments some time during the year. I was too young to know why we moved. I just know we did.

In our apartment at Little Brook was me, my little brother Chris, my sister Karin, & my older brothers Ralph & Steve. I'm not sure if Ralph was calling himself Ralph yet. His full name is James Ralph, but he started getting people to call him Ralph because everyone was calling him "Jamie," which I suppose seemed feminine to him. My oldest sister Pat & my oldest brother Eddie had already moved on. I believe both were married - Pat married that year. She & her husband got married in a civil ceremony at City Hall, so I wasn't invited to a wedding that year. The apartment had, if I recall correctly, three bedrooms & two bathrooms. Chris, Karin & I slept in one, Ralph & Steve in another, & Mom (& her boyfriend Ed) in the big one, which had the second bathroom. I remember the main bathroom did not have a lock that worked. That sucked. Lots of walking in on Gary doing number two!

I have many memories of Little Brook Apartments. It was close to my elementary school, Caldwell Elementary, so we walked there, rain or shine (more rain than shine in Garland, Texas) & hot or cold (more hot than cold). I had a couple of really good friends there, & I even remember being more than smitten with a girl - but I can't remember her name now. The property at the time was fenced on three sides (the front was open) but the area behind it was empty & there were a couple of abandoned, dilapidated houses which, when we discovered them, seemed like heaven to us, but we were told not to go to them by our mother & because I suppose we (I mean me & my little brother, we were inseparable then) were obedient, we didn't go back. The area behind the apartments was a dirt bike & go-kart trail, & once my little brother stepped into a fire ant hill & had an allergic reaction. I remember crying & thinking he was going to die.

Across Cranford Road was an empty load with pecan trees. One of the few memories I have of my father was him walking with us to a convenience store on Kingsley Road, called the Time Saver (which would figure heavily in my teen years), & showing me which pecans were good to eat. He was most definitely drunk at the time, but I didn't know that.

The place is still called the Little Brook Apartments, which means it's had the same name for probably as long as I've been alive. It even still sort of looks the same, although it used to be brown:



The apartment is now in a "bad part of town," which means, in Texas, it's predominantly poor & Hispanic. You can read a few bad "reviews" of the place here. I am especially fond of the comment, "Thugs hangout late roaming the Cranford St."

I have a particularly happy memory from that place. The apartment was a little under a half mile from train tracks, & every morning about six-thirty - usually when I would wake up to get ready to go to school - a train would come by. I learned to wake up to that train. Especially on sunny mornings, it seemed so nice to know this train was passing by regularly, & I would always wake up to it.

I remember throwing away old comics at that apartment. Bad Gary! I also had a terrible experience with a disc jockey at that apartment - but I'll tell that story tomorrow.

Raise This Profile

Today is January 13, 2012, the fest day of St. Glaphyra, a popular saint among the chaste, wherever they may be.

The little boy downstairs is listening to the blues. The neighbor bums him out by telling him it's a dying art form.

In this holiday season everyone from everything & everyone expects only the best, most honest & sincere. The devil in front of the newspaper editor began to open long-faded pictures of his origins & sentenced him to write some 35 years.

But the story actually goes far past the 20th century, which was carried out in tents & vaudeville on South America with a strong tendency of migration to the north.

Of course, even today, the situation has not changed significantly, but the possibilities of affirmation are now much higher & that is, they inevitably open doors.

The little boy screams at the negative neighbor, "If you thought you heard all the blues, you are terribly wrong!"

Quiet, calm, fully relaxed without any euphoria & some additional stimulus, no fan preferences pure heart & good conscience.

Stop now! It's cold. Go, go & make a cake for your wife!

Hello, Snow!

January twelfth is the time & day when it first snowed in earnest in Lexington, Kentucky, in twenty twelve (2012). It rained a bit, then it snowed. It snowed a bit, then it snowed. It was all quite lovely.

The Almanac said, "Snow, then snow showers, cold." Tomorrow, it will be, "Sprinkles, very mild." The poor snow, come all this way to just be sprinkled off.

Science has confirmed (inasmuch as science "confirms" anything) that no two snowflakes are alike. You can catch one in your hand (but better if it's on your glove) & marvel at its crystal beauty.

You may need a guide to snowflake types. This is not available in the Almanac which, as has been demonstrated, treats the snow with scorn. "Sprinkles, very mild," sounds more like an order at a restaurant than a weather prediction!

Can you imagine, some folks even ask the question is the Farmer's Almanac accurate?

Does tell those farmers that the word "almanac" comes from the Arabic al manakh, which means calendar!

Gray Or Grey?

Is it gray or is it grey? On a gray day in Lexington, Self Help Radio taught a city how to properly spell the word for an unassuming color & then reported on what people thought the color meant. (For example, it "unsettles," but also "creates expectations," perhaps for unsettling things.) & lots of songs about the color & things of its color were played, all in grayscale. (What a terrible pun. I couldn't resist.)

The show has rested on the graying Self Help Radio website, but it is in two parts, gray part one & gray part two. What's in each part is listed below. Will the show make you gray? It certainly has made me gray.

(part one)

"Grey" Ken Nordine _Colors_
"Grey" Witches _Forever_
"Grey" New Young Pony Club _Fantastic Playroom_

"Gray Goose" Leadbelly _Midnight Special_
"Ofay & Oxford Gray" Louis Jordan & His Tympany Five _The Hoy Hoy Collection: Rock Before Elvis!_
"When You Are Old & Gray" Tom Lehrer _The Remains Of Tom Lehrer_
"Blue Turns To Grey" The Rolling Stones _December's Children (& Everybody's)_
"Here Come The People In Grey" The Kinks _Muswell Hillbillies_
"Turning Grey" The Boys _The Boys_

"White & Grey" Math & Physics Club _Movie Ending Romance_
"This Is Green, This Is Grey" Spearmint _Airpop Terminal 2_
"Grey Cell Green" Ned's Atomic Dustbin _The Brit Box: UK Indie, Shoegaze, & Brit-Pop Gems Of The Last Millennium_

(part two)

"Grey Lagoons" Roxy Music _For Your Pleasure_
"Fade To Grey" Visage _The Edge Of The Eighties_

"All Cats Are Grey" The Cure _Faith_
"All Cats Are Grey" Cleaners From Venus _Back From The Cleaners_
"Girl With Grey Eyes" Big Country _Steeltown_
"Grey Skies" Secret Shine _Fountain Island_

"Grey Flannelette" Jazz Butcher _In Bath Of Bacon_
"Wrapped In Grey" XTC _Nonsuch_
"Grey Day" Madness _7_
"Grey-Eyed Lie" Belmondo _Project: Echo_

Whither Grey/Gray?

Sez the wikipedia, "In photography & computing, a grayscale or greyscale digital image is an image in which the value of each pixel is a single sample, that is, it carries only intensity information. Images of this sort, also known as black-&-white, are composed exclusively of shades of gray, varying from black at the weakest intensity to white at the strongest."

There was a time when the entire world was shades of grey (or gray), as is discussed in this important historical document:



(You can click to make it bigger.)

Self Help Radio turns gray tomorrow at 7:30 am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. You can listen anywhere online at wrfl dot fm. & it'll settle into its grayness later at self help radio dot net. Listen in!

Preface To Grey/Gray: Does Gray Matter?

Does gray matter? Or is it grey matter?

The wikipedia spells it grey matter & points out, as people who have seen the movie Hannibal know, that "in living tissue, grey matter actually has a grey-brown color, which comes from capillary blood vessels & neuronal cell bodies." But "grey-brown matter" sounds a little like something that might be hurked up after a night of binge drinking, or something someone might find in one's trousers after they had sharted, usually during a night of binge drinking.

Of course, people have wondered what does grey matter taste like? As someone who doesn't eat any animal products, I can't even imagine, but many humans have eaten other animals' brains for millenia, & apparently you can even buy pork brains in milk gravy at the supermarket. Poor little pigs!

I don't know how old we've been using this term for the brain, but the Latin, substantia grisea, does indeed mean "grey substance," or, "grey matter" as a pretty good translation. No one online wants to tell me when the word came into English, & if it came as a translation of the Latin.

I thought grey matter mattered more than that!

A Complete History Of American Fight Songs

Rah rah rah! said the placard in front of the unassuming building two doors down from a home town hardware store. In this particular edifice, it is said, are contained vaults filled with recordings, sheet music, &, perhaps inevitably, pom poms of every conceivable fluff & color.

The docents have all gone home or retired. There are no cheers emanating from the Museum Of The American Fight Song. Not even the junkies who stand sadly by the giant dumpster know when last it was opened to the public. It is not easy, says one, to cop in such a place.

Across the street is a bar, The Fartknocker, not the most popular place in town. The clientele is virtually nonexistent. To discover it is actually named after someone - Elvis Thibauld Fartknocker the Third - Third! - turns more people away than you might expect. Mr. Fartknocker explains the museum's dilemma:

"They are another victim of the Islamo-Zionist-Feminazi plan to take over our popular sports," he says.

Three New York Times reporters were suspended without pay for not vetting Mr. Fartknocker who, it turns out, is a really awful person & a big smelly racist no matter what his lawyers say we can or cannot say. Racist! Racist! Racists suck!

But did racism do in the Museum Of The American Fight Song? Or was it, as a drunken plumber suggested at the bar, a series of frozen pipes unrepaired after last year's terrible winter?

We may never know. Calls to the museum were unreturned. No one answered the door. The posted hours were not honored. They wouldn't accept a friend request on Facebook. We stayed outside the building for two whole days but no one came in or out. The light over the "exit" sign burned out & no one replaced it.

To be continued?

Are We Having Foam Yet?

This is delicious not to share:

The Long Way Around

No, you're not tripping. After a season where many take trips home for the holidays or trips away from bad weather, Self Help Radio has chosen to talk about trips. It is, however, cheaper than most trips & you don't have to wait in line at all.

The show is waiting on the top platform at self help radio dot net. The show has two legs - er - two parts - sorry, I'm still thinking in traveling terms. The first part of the show is in this unpacked bag & the second part of the show is in this packed bag. The items in the manifest are listed below.

Enjoy your trip!

(part one)

"The Trip" Dave Mitchell & The Screamers _All Night Soul Stomp! Dancefloor Boogaloo Romp!_
"Let's Take A Trip" Jonathan Richman _It's Time For Jonathan Richman_
"Hard Travelin'" Woody Guthrie _Hard Travelin': The Asch Recordings, Vol. 3_

"African Trip" George Carlin _When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?_
"Thee Olde Trip To Jerusalem" The Mekons _OOOH!_
"My Trip To Asia" Oh Sweet Music! _Series Two Compilation Vol. 1_
"Siamese Couplets" Guild League _Private Transport_
"Honey Moon Trip To Mars" Jack Tucker _Rocket Ship_

"Travel Agent" Monty Python _Monty Python's Previous Record_
"Chartered Trips" Hüsker Dü _Zen Arcade_
"Travelling Man" The Woodentops _Giant_

(part two)

"Day Tripper" Swingle Singers _Ticket To Ride: A Beatles Tribute_
"Trip To Your Heart" Sly & The Family Stone _Whole New Thing_

"The Trip" Kim Fowley _Nuggets: Original Artyfacts From The First Psychedelic Era, Vol. 2_
"The Trip" Donovan _Troubador: The Definitie Collection 1964 - 1976_
"Trip On Me" The Forum _The River Is Wide_
"Bad Trip" Lee Fields _Problems_
"Mobius Trip" H.P. Lovecraft _H.P. Lovecraft/H.P. Lovecraft II_
"Pat-Trip Dispenser" The Fall _The Wonderful & Frightening World Of The Fall_

"Tracy Took A Trip" Executive _Rubbles Vol. 1_
"Take A Trip" Dirtbombs Vs. King Khan & His Shrines _Billiards At Nine Thirty_
"Bad Trip" Auntie Christ _Life Could Be A Dream_
"Essential Wear For Future Trips To Space" Ballboy _Club Anthems_

Whither Trips?

I am not planning any trips in the near future, except for the show. Instead, I am planning to spend the first part of the year mimicking ants.

This will be difficult, since I have only four legs (counting my arms as legs). Also, I am several hundred times larger than the average ant, & will doubtless be considered a threat when I try to burrow into their hills. Clearly, I need to practice being an ant before I attempt to mimic one in the wild.

I know what you're thinking. When I was practicing camouflage in early 2011, in order to blend in with the natives of Lexington, I failed miserably. I didn't know that cheetos & cigarettes would be required in such abundance. My cholesterol shot up. I chose instead to be shunned.

But it made sense for me to want to mimic the human beings here in Lexington. I live here! Why ants? Well, there are doubtless many good reasons to mimic ants, & as soon as I get these antennae on, I will think of some. Also, it may be hard to find an anthill in the winter. No matter! I am on my way!

Shall I be a worker or a queen?

Listen tomorrow to Self Help Radio from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm in Lexington for songs about trips, including (but probably not) songs about the trips ants make. Are you not in Lexington? You can listen at wrfl dot fm on the internet. Are you not happening in real time? Then you can listen later at self help radio dot net. Ants dig it!

(I hope.)

Preface To Trips: Year End Accounting

If it turns out anyone has actually read this blog, he or she will know that I love to count things. Dumb things, like the number of posts in the blog, & also the number of radio shows I've done. I like to keep most of them to myself - but since it's the end of 2011, I thought I post this little bit of number crunching.

(Note: no numbers have actually been crunched.)

In 2011, I did (according to my count) 149 radio shows. That means roughly one radio show every two & a half days. That's a lot of radio, I know. In a different world, I'd be punished for it.

But is that number correct? It certainly didn't seem to me that I've been up at the station every three days. It turns out that when I counted my radio shows, I didn't take into account the fact that I tend to do two radio shows in a three hour period - Sugar Substitute for ninety minutes, then Self Help Radio for the same. So if I add that to my calculations, I did 94 shows in 2011 - which is still a lot, or a show about every four days.

As for Self Help Radio, there were 49 episodes this year. I'm not entirely sure where I was during some of those weeks - I thought I had taken just two weeks off this year.

What a lot of radio though! My word!

Once More, Near The End Of The Year

I met a man with a sore on his foot. I could not, myself, see the foot. I could only hear the sore.

"That's some sore, sir," I told the man, who was old & could no longer wince.

"Sorcerer?" he said superciliously, which I took super-sillily.

"Does it often sound as sad, your sore?" I asked once more.

He told me a story, which he bade me not to tell, but I will tell, now that his own tale is told.

He said, "I once was a titan, a leader of men. I led some women too, but only astray. The men I led were men of iron, not of lead, & they followed me to the end. The end of the street. They went to their one-room shacks on the right, I went to my mansion on the left. It was a company town. But that night I did not want company. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to eat alone. I wanted to sleep alone. I wanted to remind myself that I was a lone wolf."

I said, "Was this before or after the present day?"

He continued, "Night came & went, & still I was alone. But now I no longer wanted it. I wanted to hear the bells of the factory & the whistles of the church bells. I wanted to be reminded of Emma, now long forgotten, whose life had so nearly touched mine. Or of Emma, Emma's cousin, with the same, unfortunate name, who to this day runs a mile & a half every morning just to wake up. Her alarm clock, you see, is a mile & a half away."

I said, "I can't hear over the soaring score of your sore!"

He waved a dismissive hand. "The more I grew aware of my surroundings the less I cared about the mansion, the men I led, the place from whence we all came. Instead, I had to go where I was certain I could be more or less myself. So I went to Mysore."

"Your sore?"

"Mysore," he said, "in India. Though it's a lovely city - second in size only to Bangalore - & rated the second cleanest city in India in 2010 - it turned out to be a terrible chore. I could not find myself in Mysore."

"But," I asked, "did you find your sore in Mysore?"

"Young man, your sore is not as loud as my sore, nor (I might add) is it as loud as Mysore, which is a great city of nearly a million inhabitants, all with something to say."

I was late for writing this blog entry so I became impatient. I suddenly realized the man was an outpatient.

"You have been treated for your sore!" I said triumphantly. "& now you are returning home."

"Alas," said the man, as his sore made a low moan, "the story is never that simple."

"Humor me," I said phlegmatically.

"I will not humor you!" he said with bile.

"Then you leave me no choice," I said. "I will ask the sore!"

To the sore I swore I would say no more. Do not implore nor explore this lore! I cannot ignore the roar of your esprit de corps, but though I am done for, I'll underscore the origin's core: it was something of a bore.

Live! From Planet X!

The oldest surviving dance form in India is called Odissi. The oldest non-surviving dance form in India does not have a name yet. We're working on it.

The spaceship left for Planet X sometime in the morning from a farmhouse in County Donegal, Ireland. The passengers, if you want to call them that, were not in the least bit Irish. There was an element of bad planning.

In the spirit of romance, he wanted to name a lunar impact crater for her, only to discover that they were all named, & have been for some time. Therefore, he argued that the logical step would be for her to change her name to that of an existing lunar impact crater. He suggested Inghirami.

Meanwhile, on the way to Planet X, the space toilet gets clogged up. Everyone blames Barnes.

To understand the next part of our tale, please familiarize yourself with the effects of human exposure to vacuum.

Our heroes may return to find their planet reduced to a feudal state.

The entire adventure, I am told, will be performed a cappella by several college singing groups in competition. A well-known but possibly washed-up director with his screenwriter pal Jimmy has already purchased the rights.

(What you've all been waiting for) Live! From Planet X! They answer the door! They're invited in! It's very nice! & classy! (That's a surprise!)

The new motto: "We'll Show YOU A Good Time On Planet X!"

Indiepop A To Z Continued

Oooo, so close! Three songs away from finishing the indiepop Gs!

Today I shanghaied my freeform pop show, Sugar Substitute, to play three hours of indiepop in alphabetical order, from Gold-Bears to Guild League, in my foolish, ridiculous, OCD-driven plan to catalog indiepop bands, musicians, & influences. Maybe I'll never finish this, but it's sure fun trying.

The shows are available at the Self Help Radio website, but below are direct links to each show (they're both in two parts), & below the below there's a list of the songs in each part. Feel free to yell at me for missing a band or artist that's important. After a while, poring over lists, thinking too hard, my brain turns to twee & mush.

Indiepop A To Z # 34 Part I
Indiepop A To Z # 34 Part II
Indiepop A To Z # 35 Part I
Indiepop A To Z # 35 Part II

Thanks for listening! Self Help Radio returns to random themes next week!

Indiepop A To Z # 34 Part I

"Tally" Gold-Bears _Are You Falling In Love?_
"George Hamilton's Dead" The Golden Dawn _Air Balloon Road_
"Now I Hear The Train" The Golden Rule _The Golden Rule EP_

"My Life Is Like A Stanley Knife (Cut, Cut, Cut)" Golden Strings _Split 7" with Buy Off The Bar_
"A Summer Escape" Golden Teardrops _A Summer Escape_
"Wherever" Goldstoned _You Thought It Was The End Of The World When The Rain Ruined Your Hair_
"Virtually Happy" Golightly Holly _The Good Things_
"Rose" The Good Natured _Birdsongs, Beesongs: Eardrums Spring Compilation 2009_

"We Are Not The Same" Good Shoes _Think Before You Speak_
"First One On The Beach" Goodnight Monsters _Summer Challenge_
"Dancing Shoes" Goof _C06_
"Sunshine, Lollipops & Rainbows" Lesley Gore _Sunshine, Lollipops & Rainbows: The Best Of Lesley Gore_
"Young Girls & Happy Endings" Gorky's Zygotic Mynci _Barafundle_

Indiepop A To Z # 34 Part II

"Automobile (with Tracyanne Campbell)" Gospel Music _Duettes EP_

"We Are The Gothic Archies" Gothic Archies _The Tragic Treasury: Songs From A Series Of Unfortunate Events_
"I'm Used Now" Grab Grab The Haddock _Three Songs By Grab Grab The Haddock_
"Bad Days Must End" Gradapenda Rosindale _The Sound Of Leamington Spa Vol 5_
"Song 18" Grandrapids _Symphony For Heartbreak - US Pop Life Vol. 9: Seattle/Portland_
"Baby In A Plastic Bag" Grape _Baby In A Plastic Bag_

"Breaks My Heart" Grapes Of Wrath _September Bowl Of Green_
"St. George's Way" The Gravy Train _St. George's Way 7"_
"We Say No" Great Aunt Ida _How They Fly_
"Amen" Great Chefs Of Europe _Amen_

Indiepop A To Z # 35 Part I

"A Little Touched" Great Lakes _Great Lakes_
"All I Could Do" Great Outdoors _World At My Shoes 7"_
"Head In The Clouds" The Great Outdoors _Head In The Clouds_

"Letter To A Fanzine" Great Plains _Length Of Growth 1981-89_
"Hold Onto The Rail" The Great Unwashed _Clean Out Of Our Minds_
"Jessica" Adam Green _Friends Of Mine_
"I'm Gonna Stay With Her" Pete Green _Platform Zero EP_
"Summer's On" The Green Fields _Melodies For Afternoon_
"Kim The Waitress" Green Pajamas _Indian Winter_

"I Get It!" Green Peppers _Ave Marina: Ten Years Of Marina Records_
"The Millionth Lovesong" Greenhouse _Knowing Where It All Leeds_

Indiepop A To Z # 35 Part II

"Philco" Grenadine _Goya_
"Faces" Greyhound Green _Baby I'm Yours_
"Just A Silly Phase I'm Going Through" The Groove Farm _The Sound Of Leamington Spa Volume 2_
"Innocent Yuppie" The Groove Machine _Try A Little Sunshine: A Greek Indiepop Compilation_

"Summer" The Grooveyard _Uncle Arthur's Pop Parlour_
"Andy Watch Out!" Paul Groovy & The Pop Art Experience _Andy Watch Out!_
"Of All The Girls In The World" The Groovy Cellar _Review III (Marsh-Marigold)_
"You Make My Head Explode" The Groovy Little Numbers _You Make My Head Explode 12"_
"Don't Wake The Dead" Guards _Guards EP_

"Cucurucho" Guatafán _Cucurucho_
"I Am A Scientist" Guided By Voices _Bee Thousand_
"Citronella" The Guild League _Inner North_

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 34 - 35?

It's true! Tomorrow Self Help Radio & Sugar Substitute are teaming up to continue the Indiepop A To Z series!

When we last left the foolish, interminable attempt to be comprehensive, we were still in the Gs... We finished with the Gol Gappas, which can only mean bands with "gold" in their name can't be far behind! (Actually, they're right behind. We're starting with Atlanta's Gold-Bears.)

Spoiler Alert!

I did that too late, didn't I?

I have fifty songs in my head right now which will take us to the end of the Gs. Will one hundred eighty minutes be enough time to get through them all? You'll have to listen to find out!

Remember, Indiepop A To Z # 34 airs on Sugar Substitute from 6am to 7:30am, while Indiepop A To Z # 35 airs on Self Help Radio from 7:30am to 9am. You can listen in Lexington at 88.1 fm or online at wrfl dot fm. The shows will be archived - as are virtually all of the indiepop a to z shows, later at the Self Help Radio website.

Fans of indiepop, alphabetization &/or OCD behavior - I'll see you tomorrow!

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 34: Why Talk About This On Christmas Eve?

It was a lovely day in Lexington. I spent the morning preparing the Christmas show I'm playing tomorrow morning from 6 to 9 am on WRFL. Then I continued listening to bands & musicians whose alphabetically important name starts with "g" since I will be continuing the indiepop a to z this Monday. Might I even finish the Gs? I don't know!

Then I walked the dogs. It was sunny & not that cold & doesn't feel much like Christmas - the clerk at the "co-op" in town (it's not a co-op, but they call themselves one) didn't even wish me a happy holiday - but it did get nippy as the sun sank toward the horizon.

I am thinking about what to make for dinner while listening to stuff for Monday's show. You might hear my multitasking brain while I am typing - "Is Guadalcanal Diary indiepop?" it just thought, before answering itself, "No" - as I sort through the list. This is both the easiest & most time-consuming show I do. I might even finish the Gs!

You're not reading this right now, if ever, but if you are someone who celebrates the Christmas Eve & then the Christmas Day, let me say on behalf of everyone at Self Help Radio (it's basically just me & three dogs & three cats & whatever birds & squirrels are hanging around the bird feeder) that we hope you have a safe & happy holiday. You deserve it!

Self Help 101: Surviving The Holidays With Families

Do you have a family? You may think yourself lucky. There are, as we are solemnly aware in this season of credit card debt, many people who've lost other people, or who never had them in the first place. & if you think that's a bummer, you may know be coming to this realization: holy crap in a blanket, I'm going to have to spend the next few days with my family!

Family, as it probably says in the Bible or something, is like a tumor: most are benign. But no one really wants to get a tumor, not even as a conversation starter or a reason to take the day off for elective surgery & the biopsy party that night. (There are, as Oscar Wilde once noted, better reasons to have a party.)

Yet we must ask ourselves in this season of homophobic Salvation Army bell ringers: what if our family is malignant? Who's going to tell Mom? Does it have to be me? Below is a list, gathered from the sages of ages & some Family Circus cartoons, of ways to survive the time with the family at least until there are better prescription pills.

1) Choose to hear the most common offensive remarks (racist, misogynistic, jingoistic, etc.) in the context of an anthropologist visiting from the future. Perhaps write a few of them down.

2) Give useless advice to one family member & then say another family member told you to tell them that.

3) One is often told to stay away from touchy subjects like religion & politics. However, you do not have to avoid them; instead, brush up before the holidays on obscure ancient religions & the politics of dead civilizations.

4) Respond to most queries with a smile & a wink.

5) In situations where a drunken or old (or both) family member is about to tell the same story they've told every year, pay attention like you've never done before, often exclaiming things like, "Ooo, I know this one! It's a good 'un!"

6) Don't be so rude by listening to music on your mp3 player or texting all the time on your phone. Be so rude by pretending to fall asleep while sitting at a table.

7) Have short poems from amateur internet "poetry" sites printed on pieces of paper. Give them to family members & say, "This made me think of you." Or, if the poem is exceptionally bad, say, "Can you tell me what this means?"

8) Weather permitting, position yourself always just out of earshot.

9) Hug family members quickly, often muttering words of consolation, then pretend to be distracted by something else & move on.

10) Continue that search for those better prescription pills.

Happy holidays & stuff from Self Help Radio!

Have Yourself A Gary Little Christmas

What, did you think this year's A Very Self Help Radio Christmas was the end? Oh no. Despite the fact that I don't really celebrate Christmas, & will in fact be mostly drunk throughout the holidays, I am actually going to be doing shows on Christmas Eve & Christmas Morning. What? No way!

You can catch me from 6 to 8pm on Saturday night & from 6 to 9am on Sunday morning. Basically, I'm bookending Santa's flight.

Might I remind you that you can also hear a Christmas show I did two years ago in a different state on a different radio station here? I don't repeat myself often, if at all, on Self Help Radio, but when I'm doing other shows, repeats are allowed.

I promise I won't scream into the microphone like I've been doing lately.

UPDATE: I won't be doing Christmas Eve after all. Oh well. More drinking for me!

A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2011

Happy holidays from Self Help Radio! Here's a selection of holiday tunes that range from the goofy to the schmaltzy.

The show is in two almost equal parts at the Self Help Radio website. Part one is beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Part two is donning now its gay apparel. What's in each part is below.

The best wishes for you & yours during this festive season! As always, thanks for listening!

(part one)

"The Kinds Of Christmas" Ken Nordine & Chorus _Merry Christmas From Line Material 1958_
"Santa Santa" Rocky Fellers _Look At Killer Joe Go!_

"Christmas Ferret" The Amoeba People _Incomprehensible Communications_
"Disco Claus" Bionic I _Disco Claus_
"Christmas Bop" T. Rex _T. Rex Wax Co. Singles, Vol. 2 (1975-1978)_
"Sleigh Ride" Lio, Helena Noguerra, & Marie France _Ze Xmas Record Reloaded_
"Twelve Days Of Christmas" Mike Sammes Singers _White Christmas_

"The Chord Cracker" Hugo Kant _I Don't Want To Be An Emperor_
"Do You Hear Rainbows I Hear (Apollo Zero Reconstruct)" Apollo Zero _Santastic III In 3-D_
"To Make A Christmas Cake That Will Keep Until Easter" Alan Maitland (Fireside Al) _Fireside Al's Treasury Of Christmas Stories_

(part two)

"It's Christmas Baby (Why You Wearin' Black)" Aquavelvets _Fuzz, Acid & Mistletoe: Christmas In The Garage_
"Christmas Here On Mars" Bubble _Xmas EP_
"White Christmas" Doug & The Slugs _Slugcology 101_

"On A Christmas Day" Leadbelly _Leadbelly_
"Christmas Sing-Along/Deck The Halls" Sesame Street Gang _Sesame Street Christmas Sing-Along_
"Santa Got Lost In Texas" Michael Landon _Bonanza Original TV Cast: Christmas On The Ponderosa_
"Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town" The Ralph Hunter Choir _Christmas Surprises_
"Jingle Bells" Balla Tounkara & Balla Kouyate _Malifoly_

"Merry Something To You" Devo _Merry Something To You_
"Christmas In The Center Of The Earth" Wow _Business Deal Band Lotto 2_
"For Christmas I Got Pityriasis Rosea" The Research _Rhubarb Bomb Xmas EP 2007_
"Christmas Is Cancelled" The Long Blondes _Christmas Is Cancelled_
"X-Mas Song" Fireflies _Goodnight Stars, Goodnight Moon_

Whither A Very Self Help Radio Christmas 2011?

'Twas the night before the Self Help Radio Christmas show,
& all through the house -
Well, I can't see all through the house -
All the hounds & cats were on the sofa with the wife
Watching the season finale of "Homeland"

What, you can't write a "free verse" version of a Christmas classic?
It would be a hard thing to have to rhyme
At a time like this
See, I can't even manage it in that manner
I guess it really is kind of lame

It actually reminds me of a chick I used to know
Who wrote me emails that were like this
It made the emails seem to be "poetic"
& added bulk to them
When the content was really just
Barely a paragraph

Oh well, let's go back to talking about Christmas
One show! A show a year! One Christmas show!
If only that made it all go away
Instead, it's just another year
Will you listen & not be like
the hounds & the cats & the wife on the sofa

They always sleep through my show

Listen! Listen! All through your house & car or whatever!
From 7:30 to 9am on the 88.1 frequency
That's in Lexington
Or online at wrfl dot fm
(Archived later at the Self Help Radio website)

Fa la la la la la la la falafel!