Preface To In-Between: In-Between Daze

I suspect many of us have in-between days. & time in between the hours of the day. It all depends on how we define the things we're in-between. For example, I am usually (about six days & twenty-one hours) in between regular scheduled radio shows. My radio shows last about three hours (ninety minutes of Sugar Substitute, ninety minutes of Self Help Radio) & the rest of the time I'm in between them.

Or consider meals. I eat on average two meals a day. Most of the time I'm in-between meals. No snacking in between!

Then there's this Peanuts cartoon to consider, from just over forty years ago (it appeared in newspapers February 17, 1982):



By the way, I've been alternating writing "in-between" & "in between" because I like writing "in-between" but grammarians tell me (not to my face) that the proper way to write it is "in between." I am hedging my bets with ferocious grammarians. Yet I think a dash add dash. Pun intended.

I am not programmed

to have this much fun.

Thursday Picture Of A Pet

This is Ringo. He's the first dog I've ever owned myself (my family dog when I was growing up was technically my mother's, & George belongs mainly to my wife, Magda) but he was also the first animal that I adopted with my wife (who at the time was my girlfriend). She was away for the summer of 2004 but was always sending me images from a hound rescue website in Houston, Texas. He had been rescued from people who used him (this is true) as a bait dog for pit bull fighting. His left eye, as you can see above, doesn't work anymore - it was almost ripped out of his head.

We call him our "love child" because he was my present to Magda after her being away all summer. Turns out he was also a present to George, with whom he became best friend & co-conspirator. He's a very waggish dog & very snuggly, & also terribly lazy. Though when he wants to run, he can. & does.

It hasn't really snowed here in Lexington this winter, but I snapped this pic a week or so ago when there was a little snow in the air. & on Ringo.

Hello Lovesick Friend!

Today Self Help Radio examined your condition in detail. We touched your sweaty palms, we noted your weak knees, we watched you form labored sentences in your dry mouth, we worried about your increased heart rate, & we asked you to sit down when you complained of light headedness. Then we played songs about being lovesick for you. What the hell else could we do?

If you'd like to have some empathy from lovesick musicians from the past few decades, you can listen to the show at the Self Help Radio website. As always, the show is divided into two parts for easy consumption, & you can find part one pumping blood out from the left ventricle & part two bringing blood back through the right atrium. Though the contents might be a little bloody, they are listed below.

Have a happy Valentine's Day! & thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Lovesick" The Arrogants _Your Simple Beauty_
"Lovesick" Jackie & Roy _Lovesick_
"Love Sick" Orange Juice _The Glasgow School (Coals To Newcastle CD1)_

"Lovesick Blues" Emmett Miller _American Yodeling 1911-1946_
"Lovesick" Lisa Germano _Excerpts From A Love Circus_
"Love Sickness" Sir Mack Rice _The Complete Stax-Volt Soul Singles: 1959 - 1968_
"Lovesick" Gang Starr _Mass Appeal: The Best Of Gang Starr_
"Lovesick" Autonervous _Nostalgia Del Buio_

"Love Sick" Mariachi El Bronx _Chimes Of Freedom: The Songs Of Bob Dylan_
"Crazy Lovesick Fool" Brak & Zoak _Space Ghost's Musical Bar-B-Que_
"Lovesick" Mike Berry & The Innocents _Don't You Think It's Time: R&R Hits From The 60s & 70s_

(part two)

"Lovesick" Broder Daniel _Saturday Night Engine_
"Lonesome Lovesick Blues" Katherine Henderson _Clarence Williams & The Blues Singers, Vol 2: 1927-1932_

"Love Sickness" Sandy Trapp _Love Sickness_
"A Favor For A Girl (With A Love Sick Heart)" Brenda Holloway _The Motown Anthology_
"Lovesick" Lindstrøm & Christabelle _Real Life Is No Cool_
"Minors At Nite (Still Sick)" Adult. _Resuscitation_
"Lovesick" King Khan & The Shrines _Mr. Supernatural_

"Mayfly" Belle & Sebastian _If You're Feeling Sinister_
"Love Sickness" The Camelots _Doo Wop Radio: A Tribute To The DJs, Vol. 1_
"Love Sick Tears" Koko Taylor _Koko Taylor_
"Love Sick Dog" Willie Alexander & The Jackals _Throbbing Lobsterclaws_
"Lovesick Blues" Bertha "Chippie" Hill _Louis Armstrong & The Blues Singers_

Whither Lovesick?

Though I don't advocate for Valentine's Day, since it does seem to make more people miserable than happy, & seems to enrich some truly greedy people in our society, I do a Valentine's Day show every year because I can't help myself. (It's the same with Christmas.) (It's not the same with Arbor Day.)

This will be Self Help Radio's ninth Valentine's Day show. It's about lovesickness. What have the previous Valentine's Day shows been about? I'm glad you axed!

VDay 2003: Valentine's Day (generally)
VDay 2004: Love
VDay 2005: Hate
VDay 2006: (cancelled due to burned-down radio station)
VDay 2007: Crushes
VDay 2008: Jealousy
VDay 2009: Boyfriends
VDay 2010: Girlfriends
VDay 2011: Love Songs

It's on tomorrow morning at 7:30 am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. The WRFL website is wrfl dot fm. You can listen to the show anywhere in the world from there. This right here is a direct link to the station's audio stream. I will archive the show later in the day for all your Valentine's Day needs at self help radio dot net.

I'll be giving away valentines tomorrow. You may want one!

Preface To Lovesick: It's Like Hunger

Is being without love like being without food? People who are experiencing lovesickness often act as if they are in pain, & the stomach hurts a lot. But hunger is not like indigestion - perhaps lovesickness is more like gastro-intestional distress than hunger. Hard to keep food down. Lots of hurking.

Self Help Radio has often thought of starting a kind of "lovesick cafe," with expensive food that no one really eats because they're feeling like shit, so the food doesn't have to be terribly good. It might even be recycled!

It would be fun to program the music for a place like that.

Lovesick is like hunger in that it affects the entire body, though. That's pretty true. Hunger will waste you away like lovesickness.

However. There might be those who think that hunger - which is a terrible problem that afflicts a depressing percentage of the world's population - shouldn't be compared with lovesickness, which isn't acknowledged by the psychiatric community as a real sickness. Those people might not understand the concept of a metaphor. That's too bad.

Can pets be lovesick? Yes. Yes, they can.

Letter To A Famous Person

Do you worry about urinary tract infections? Or do you have a urologist on speed dial? Could there be such things as lousy urologists? Wouldn't someone enter that profession to make the most money possible? So wouldn't they want to be the best urologist possible? This is something perhaps you know.

What makes you most sad, being misunderstood or being only able to relate to other famous people? Is it enough that you can now be friends with George Clooney? Do you talk about important things, even private things, around the people who work for you in the same way that the aristocracy talk around servants - as if they're not even there, utterly secure in the knowledge they won't tell anyone your awful secrets? Do you think people other than you feel resentment?

You might google yourself every once in a while. Or do you have someone who does that for you? Do you trust that person? Don't you think that person whom you've hired to search for stuff online about you might edit some of the comments found? Because he or she is getting paid not to engage you but to flatter your ego? Does that bother you? Do you remember a time when that might've bothered you?

People imagine the famous dying in horrible ways far more often than they imagine anyone else dying. This is almost certainly a scientific fact. Does that flatter you? If at some point in time something impossibly magical happens in the universe, like an assassin genie or a death ray, would you be happy to be the first famous person utterly destroyed by the rage of someone who will never be famous? What if the person with the death ray or the assassin genie made sure you suffered terribly for it? Note: there would not be an award - posthumous or otherwise - for your suffering.

Wouldn't it be nice if you sent out greeting cards from time to time? Yourself, of course, not your assistant. Just taking a little time to send greeting cards, cards you've purchased yourself, it can be in a gift shop or in a drug store, it doesn't matter, cards you've purchased yourself and written in yourself, sent to perhaps family or old friends, if you still have any. Even to George Clooney. Wouldn't that be nice? You could pretend then you have something like a soul!

Do you know why you're so easily offended? Do you need an analyst to tell you why? How about some kind of spiritual medium, like a Scientologist or a Magic Eight Ball? Are you as comforted as most people to know that nothing lasts forever?

That's enough for now. Thank you for your time.

Thursday Picture Of A Pet

This is my dog George. He's the oldest non-human animal in the house - he'll be fourteen in April. I met him in the fall of 2001, & we were not always friends. He loved his mother most of all, & was disturbed when I entered the picture. But we became friends over time, & now we love each other quite a lot. I still think he loves his mother more than me.

Just recently he ate about a pound & a half of birdseed. Though I've had beagles in my life for over ten years now, I still occasionally do dumb things like leaving opened containers of birdseed out for them to pillage. Beagles are foodies & will eat pretty much anything.

He was very sick for a couple of days, & like most animals, he looked miserable, since he had no idea what was happening to him nor why. & frankly, seeing a shaky old dog vomit & poop birdseed is one of the saddest things you'll ever see. He got better though. He'd eat more birdseed if it were still around.

He's old so he sleeps a lot. I admire his old white face & his happiness in slumberland.

Bumpity Bump

Self Help Radio bumped along today. It was a bumpy ride. I might have bumped my head. Can anyone here diagnose a hematoma? Many of the bumpy songs seem to postulate a dance called "the bump." The dance might also require "a grind." It just seems a little less than wholesome. That's all I'm saying.

The show in its entirety is at the Self Help Radio website. But! If you need a quick bump, you can listen to the two parts directly here: part one, bump bump, & then part two. What is in each part is below. Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!

& thanks for listening!

(part one)

"The Bump" The Commodores _Caught In The Act_
"The Bump" Kenny _The Singles Collection Plus_
"The Bump (Part 1)" The Everyday People _The Everyday People_

"New Orleans Bump (Take 2)" Jelly Roll Morton & His Orchestra _The Jelly Roll Morton Centennial: His Complete Victor Recordings_
"Bump & Boogie (Part 1)" The Wrecking Crew _The Complete Stax-Volt Soul Singles: 1972-1975_
"Goombay Bump" Jay Mitchell _Cult Cargo: Grand Bahama Goombay_
"Bumpin' & Stompin'" Garland Green _Northern Soul's Guilty Secrets_

"Bumpity Bump" Smiley Lewis _Juke Joint Jive_
"Do The Double Bump" Rufus Thomas _The Funkiest Man Alive: The Stax Funk Sessions 1967-1975_
"I Love To Bumpity Bump (On A Bumpy Road With You)" Guy Lombardo & His Royal Canadians _Songs The Bonzo Dog Band Taught Us_
"Bumper Crop" Volcano Suns _Bumper Crop_

(part two)

"Humpin', Bumpin' & Thumpin'" Andre Williams _Movin' On: Greasy & Explicit Soul Movers (1956-1970)_

"Jump & Bump" The Flares _Foot Stompin'_
"Bumpercars" Andy Partridge _Fuzzy Warbles, Vol. 4_
"Humpty Bump (Parts 1 & 2)" Vibrettes _Eddie Bo's Funky Funky New Orleans_
"Bump & Grind" Tenor Fly _An England Story: 25 Years Of The MC In The UK_
"Bumpin'" Ground Hog _Curtom Funk_

"Bump Miss Susie" Big Joe Turner with Van 'Piano Man' Walls Orchestra _Atlantic Blues (1949-1970)_
"Bump'n From The Middle" Act 1 _Act 1_
"Bumper To Bumper" Eleventh Hour _Hollywood Hot_
"Bumps Boogie" King Porter _Rare West Coast Jump 'N' Jive 1945-1954_
"Speed Bumps" Boston Spaceships _Let It Beard_

Whither Bump?

I don't really know where the idea for this show came from. It appeared on the Self Help Radio queue & it made me very nervous. How many songs are about bumping? How many could there be? Before I sat down to think about it, the only song that popped into my head was "Children Of The Revolution" by T Rex, which contains the phrase "you can bump & grind." Would that be how this show went?

No! It would not! I sprang into action! I learned how to do The Bump! I refused something called "a bump" (which I was told "would get me high") at a dance club from a stranger! I tangled with things that go bump in the night! (In my house, those are cats.) I got goose bumps thinking about the show! Then I tried to find music.

That wasn't as much fun as learning The Bump.

No, it was plenty fun! The show will be a bumpin' good time. & it's on tomorrow (that's Monday) morning from 7:30 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington. This is a direct link to the audio stream of the station. I'll archive the show later on the Self Help Radio web site.

I'm glad I didn't hit a speed bump!

Preface To Bump: A Bump On The Head

The internets is a scary place. Look at the title of this web page: A Simple Bump On The Head Can Kill You

I bump my head almost too often. It never gets as comically huge as it can - & no one has ever filmed a bump on my head on a plane - but I especially hit my head a lot when I am putting away dishes & forget the cabinet doors above the dishwasher are open.

There are many different kinds of head injuries, & luckily, this website tells me "[M]ost people recover from head injuries & have no lasting effects." You have convinced me of your benevolence internets!

Meanwhile, make sure you notice the sign that tells you not to bump your head on the sign:

Happy Birthday Gertrude Stein!

Here she is reading a poem to Picasso. (Audio only.)

Thursday Picture Of A Pet

This is my cat Beatrice. She's the pet I've had who's been with me the longest, entering my life in the summer of 2000, a very shy & skittish little thing who, before she became too big to do so, used to amuse my by running up my curtains.

I taught her how to poop! It's true. She apparently didn't know (maybe she was weaned too early) & so I looked online to discover that a mother cat will lick the baby cat's bottom to encourage poopage. I chose to use a warm towel.

She's never thanked me for that.

She's quite lovely, don't you think?

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!

Oh, Self Help Radio was a greedy radio show today with all its gimme gimme gimme! What did it want? Gimme everything! it said. A difficult show to be sure but what do you expect? It's just nine years old!

There were too many gimmes on the show today & you can listen to them at the Self Help Radio web site. Should you prefer to listen to the show directly, there are links to the show's two parts here: part one & part two. You don't have to say "Gimme!" - what's in each part is listed below.

If I had thought about it sooner, or if I put any real planning into the show, I might have made gimme caps to give away. But I didn't. Oh well!

(part one)

"Gimme" Freddie Fresh _Accidentally Classic_
"Gimme Gimme" Bo Diddley _The Chess Years (1955-1974)_
"Gimme, Gimme, Gimme" Hot Lips Page _1946-1950_

"Gimmie, Gimmie" Bobbyteens _Young & Dumb_
"Gimme The Nite" Laptop _The Old Me Vs. The New You_
"Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'" The Mitch Easter Sound _Right To Chews: Bubblegum Classics Revisited_
"Gimme Some Of Yours" Rhetta Hughes _Relight My Fire_
"Gimme You" Sado Nation _History Of Portland Punk, Vol. 1_
"Gimme Gimme" The Demands _Garage Justice Vol 1_

"Gimme Some" Nina Simone _Four Women: The Nina Simone Philips Recordings_
"Gimme Some Lovin'" The Spencer Davis Group _The British Invasion: The History Of British Rock, Vol. 4_
"Gimme A Little Sign" Brenton Wood _Baby You Got It_

(part two)

"Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment" The Ramones _Hey! Ho! Let's Go: The Anthology_
"Gimme Some Truth" John Lennon _Imagine_

"Gimme Shelter" Merry Clayton _Strange Games & Funky Things Vol. 5_
"Gimme Some Slack" The Cars _Panorama_
"Gimme A Li'l Taste" Al Miller _Complete Works In Chronological Order (1927-36)_
"Gimme Danger" The Stooges _Raw Power_
"Gimme Dat Ding" The Pipkins _Super Hits Of The 70's: Have A Nice Day! Vol. 6_

"Gimme Some Skin" Delta Rhythm Boys _Dry Bones_
"Gimme A Little Kiss" Michael Landon _Hey! Look What I Found Vol. 11_
"Gimme A Try" Clarence Reid _The Dial Records Southern Soul Story_
"Gimme Bubblegum!" The Fantasies _Earth Life_
"Gimme Some Time" The Nerves _One Way Ticket_
"Gimme Your Heart" Subs _Kilt By Death: The Sound Of Old Scotland_

Whither Gimme?

There are a lot of songs with the word "gimme" in the title or within.

There are a lot more with the proper, not contracted version "give me" in the title or within.

Self Help Radio aims to explore the "gimmes" not the "give mes."

Even though there are a lot of "give me" songs that we will not get to play. Because the songs aren't entitled "gimme." We must therefore assume, although it does seem like a lot of the singers are singing "gimme," that in fact they are singing "give me."

What a shame.

Gimme Self Help Radio, you say? It's on tomorrow morning at 7:30 am in Lexington on 88.1 fm WRFL. You can listen online at WRFL dot fm, & because someone asked for it, here's a direct link to the stream.

The show will be archived later tomorrow at self help radio dot net.

Gimme, gimme, gimme. Greedy! You're greedy!

Preface To Gimme: Give It Me

According to the Wikipedia, a "gimme" in golf is "a shot that the other players agree can count automatically without actually being played." I remember once when someone requested a song for a particular theme, it seemed such an obvious choice, I said, "That's what we in the biz call a 'gimme.'" I don't know if at the time I knew the meaning of the golf term but it seems like I did. Though I didn't use it in quite the same way. Chances are my brain was repeating the phrase from a movie or a television show.

Looking for the phrase online, I am seeing it used not as "something obvious" but as "something free." So I used the word incorrectly. But the sentence felt right when I wrote it. So I think I will continue to use it in that way. & perhaps I can encourage other people to use it in that manner, which means, according to the rules of grammar, it may acquire that additional meaning in 350 years.

Start now!

By the way, I am so not "in the biz." I have never been paid to deejay nor do I imagine I ever will be. It's like a joke a friend of mine made to another Gary when that Gary (I swear it wasn't me!) said he would make a great gigolo. My friend, "Don't ever try to be a prostitute, Gary - you'll lose money on the deal."

That's how I feel about me being a professional deejay - I'd end up paying someone to do it. It would not be a 'gimme.' Not for me, anyway.

Damn it I used it correctly!

Happy Birthday Patton Oswalt!

This Self Help Radio favorite is just a year younger than the Self Help Radio host. Egads!

I bet he won't celebrate his 43rd birthday in any special manner...

Learn Those Minced Oaths!

You do not want to offend nor profane nor blaspheme. Oaths may find their way up up up to the Lord's ears. Learn instead to mince your oaths for the sanctity of your soul.

Say "begorrah" instead of "by God!" & "bejabbers" instead of "by Jesus." Other replacements for "by God!" are "by George," "by gum," "by gosh" (boring), "by golly," & "by Jove!"

If you must damn someone in the place of our Lord's more acceptable damnation, you can avoid saying "God damn" or "God damn it" by saying "Dad gum!" or "Dagnabbit!" "Doggone!" is also an acceptable "Goddamn!" Someone you just damned could be "gosh darned." Say "dang" or "darn" to fool the omniscient Creator of the Universe, & feel free to refer to the state of damnation as "tarnation."

If you must refer to the Son of God, you can call him by his first name secretly as "gee whiz" & "gee willikers" & "jeebus." As his last name (or is it his title?) you can say "Crikey!" & "Criminy!" & "Cripes!" Must you say his full name? It's your eternal soul! Try "Cheese & Rice" or "Jeepers Creepers" or "Jeezy Creezy!" Heck, some even say "Judas Priest" is code for the Son Of Man. How's that for breaking the law?

You might want to simply add, for emphasis, the phrase "for Christ's sake," but that would be breaking a commandment. So how about "Chrissakes" or (even safer) "for crying out loud!" There is of course the chance He (junior) wouldn't be too happy about that, so you might want to reference his subordinates. In case they have punishing powers up above, say "for Pete's sake" or "for the love of Mike" to refer to Saint Peter & Saint Michael, respectively.

There are more archaic but just as surreptitious oaths you can say, which may baffle the Old Dude Upstairs since no one really uses the phrases they are hiding. Say "cor blimey" to mean "God blind me" & He probably won't know what you're talking about. Say "Drat" to mean "God rot it." Say "crivvens" not just because no one you've ever known has, but because it means "Christ defend us!"

You can refer to odd things that the Good Lord owns, like his hooks ("gadzooks" equals "god's hooks") or his wounds ("zounds" means "god's wounds," or "by His wounds"). "Strewth," which you're likely to hear mainly on British comedies, is "His truth" truncated, but the French sacré bleu is apparently a minced oath from France meaning "sang de Dieu," the blood of God.

Or you can profane & blaspheme like Sylvester the Cat. Did you know "suffering succotash" meant "suffering savior"? Now you do!

Self Help Radio Is Everything

"Everything is..." said Self Help Radio. Everything is what? Why do ellipses bother me so? Mightn't I have simply put a blank space (as in "fill in the blank") rather than those three dots that mean a thought is trailing off? What is everything! Tell me now!

The show tried to finish that sentence but you will have to decide if it truly did. To make that decision, you'll have to listen. To listen, you'll have to find where I've put the files. To find where I've put the files - oh, you know. They're at the Self Help Radio website. If you're impatient & would like to download the shows directly, that can be accommodated. Part one of the show is on this side of everything while part two of the show is on that side of everything. Everything that's in each part is listed below.

(part one)

"Everything Is" Neutral Milk Hotel _Everything Is_
"Everything Is Black" The Faintests Ideas _What Goes Up Must Calm Down_
"Everything's Alright" David Bowie _Pin Ups_

"Everything's Explodin'" The Flaming Lips _Oh My Gawd!!!... The Flaming Lips_
"Everything's Coming Up Roses" The Modernaires _Like Swung_
"Everything's Wrong" A House _Rarities_
"Everything's Alright (w/ Danielle Ferguson)" Kimya Dawson _My Cute Fiend Sweet Princess_
"Everything Is Broken" Bob Dylan _Oh Mercy_
"Everything Is Relative" Beatnik Filmstars _In Hospitalable_

"Everything Is Cool" The Pork Chops _Rhythm & Blues Vol. 3_
"Everything's On Fire" Shriekback _Naked Apes & Pond Life_

(part two)

"Everything's Gone Green" New Order _Movement_
"Everything Is Fresh Today" Jack Hodges The Raspberry King _Songs The Bonzo Dog Band Taught Us_

"Everything's Fine" Adorable _Sistine Chapel Ceiling_
"Everything Is Not OK" Miles Hunt _Hairy On The Inside_
"Everything Is Good About You" The Supremes _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 5: 1965_
"Everything Is Weird" They Go Boom!! _Beyond Tomorrow_

"Everything's Disappeared" Steinski _What Does It All Mean?_
"Everything's Just Fine" Earwig _La-Di-Da... So Far..._
"Everything's Alright When You're Down" The Jesus & Mary Chain _Barbed Wire Kisses_
"Everything Is Average Nowadays" Kaiser Chiefs _Yours Truly Angry Mob_

Whither Everything Is...?

Some things don't fill in the blank. Please don't bring up the logical fallacy of appeal to consequences of a belief. Some things do fill in the blank. These are the things that deserve a proper attention span.

When one's brain processes time (apparently) differently, it's not unusual to look up & see that three minutes have passed. Older people often express the same kind of thought when looking over their overlooked life. When it has so much to teach, why is boredom all but forgotten by the mass of humanity?

Everything is. Nothing isn't. These generalities can be embarrassing. The brain has a prescribed memory capacity, it can make things easier for itself when it gathers what it needs to know underneath a generic plural noun or pronoun.

There was once a man who couldn't help but speak in couplets. Sometimes he added internal rhyme. Assonance was not unknown, though he did eschew alliteration. It made passers-by imagine things were going horribly wrong somewhere.

Was there something else? At the sound of the bell, there will be another Self Help Radio, for better or for ill. On the air in Lexington Kentucky from 7:30 to 9:00 am on Monday morning at 88.1 fm on the dial. Will there be a live audio stream? If not, there is always the show archived later at that website.

Everything is all right. Unless everything is not.