I have been reading, lately, (at the advice of the the Word Detective) Hugh Rawson's Dictionary Of Euphemisms & Other Doubletalk
, & I was hoping there'd be some interesting euphemisms for "lip" or "lips" that I could share on this week's show. Alas, there's not an entry for "lips." But there is, in the entry for the word "bushwa," this entry:
Bushwa, also bushwah, booshwa, booshwa, boushwa, or boushwah: they all up to the same thing: bullshit.
Okay, that's unhelpful. Let's move on to this:
Similar to "bushwa" is "bushlips," a nonce term but redolent with history, alluding to President George Bush's emphatic "Read my lips" promise (later broken) not to raise taxes. This was typically encountered, ca. 1990, in such phrases as "Don't give me any of that bushlips" or "I know pure, unadulterated bushlips when I hear it."
Oh, to have existed in a simpler time - twenty years ago!
Saturday, December 08, 2012
Friday, December 07, 2012
Where To Put The Quote.
Quote quoted at me from (possibly genius but scary in perverted Lolita manner) Nabokov (the book called I think Pale Fire) a poem which goes or went:
It missed the gist of the whole thing; it missed
What mostly interests the preterist;
For we die every day; oblivion thrives
Not on dry thighbones but on blood-ripe lives,
And our best yesterdays are now foul piles
Of crumpled names, phone numbers & foxed files.
I'm ready to become a floweret
Or a fat fly, but never, to forget.
& I'll turn down eternity unless
The melancholy & the tenderness
Of mortal life; the passion & the pain;
The claret taillight of that dwindling plane
Off Hesperus; your gesture of dismay
On running out of cigarettes; the way
You smile at dogs; the trail of silver slime
Snails leave on flagstones; this good ink, this rhyme,
This index card, this slender rubber band
Which always forms, when dropped, an ampersand,
Are found in Heaven by the newlydead
Stored in its strongholds through the years.
& I liked it!
But then Nabokov was all like:
& I didn't say I liked it out loud all that much though I did. Really I did.
It missed the gist of the whole thing; it missed
What mostly interests the preterist;
For we die every day; oblivion thrives
Not on dry thighbones but on blood-ripe lives,
And our best yesterdays are now foul piles
Of crumpled names, phone numbers & foxed files.
I'm ready to become a floweret
Or a fat fly, but never, to forget.
& I'll turn down eternity unless
The melancholy & the tenderness
Of mortal life; the passion & the pain;
The claret taillight of that dwindling plane
Off Hesperus; your gesture of dismay
On running out of cigarettes; the way
You smile at dogs; the trail of silver slime
Snails leave on flagstones; this good ink, this rhyme,
This index card, this slender rubber band
Which always forms, when dropped, an ampersand,
Are found in Heaven by the newlydead
Stored in its strongholds through the years.
& I liked it!
But then Nabokov was all like:
Thursday, December 06, 2012
Useless Explanations
(Noises of things being shuffled around in an attempt to delay or if possible postpone.)
Well.
No one's here so it's as good a time as any to make an apology.
I am lucky there's no mirror here because it's me I am apologizing to.
From the almost-earliest days of Self Help Radio (meaning in the show's third year), I started doing an end-of-the-year "best of" show (quickly retitled "favorites") because that's what radio shows do & because I listen to a lot of records during the year & want to support many of them (especially if they don't have songs that fit into my chosen themes).
Well. I was also listening to a lot of electronica at that time, so it seemed - I started this a year or two later - I could also do a "favorite electronica" show.
& I did. From 2005 to 2011.
You might have noticed I am not going to do one this year. Was there no good electronica?
Actually, I'm not sure. I kind of lost interest.
Not entirely. But not enough to fill an entire radio show.
I think a lot of my favorite electronica artists have decided they want to be more poppy. Or make their music with acoustic instruments, to "prove" their musicians. & then there's dubstep, which became ubiquitous, & which is mostly not all that good these days. At some point I drifted away.
So, I apologize. I wish I kept up. I wish I had the energy to keep up. There was a lot of great music this year. A lot. The favorites show will be hard to do.
But no electronica.
Sorry about that.
(Looking around, sounds of crickets, the lights dim.)
Well.
No one's here so it's as good a time as any to make an apology.
I am lucky there's no mirror here because it's me I am apologizing to.
From the almost-earliest days of Self Help Radio (meaning in the show's third year), I started doing an end-of-the-year "best of" show (quickly retitled "favorites") because that's what radio shows do & because I listen to a lot of records during the year & want to support many of them (especially if they don't have songs that fit into my chosen themes).
Well. I was also listening to a lot of electronica at that time, so it seemed - I started this a year or two later - I could also do a "favorite electronica" show.
& I did. From 2005 to 2011.
You might have noticed I am not going to do one this year. Was there no good electronica?
Actually, I'm not sure. I kind of lost interest.
Not entirely. But not enough to fill an entire radio show.
I think a lot of my favorite electronica artists have decided they want to be more poppy. Or make their music with acoustic instruments, to "prove" their musicians. & then there's dubstep, which became ubiquitous, & which is mostly not all that good these days. At some point I drifted away.
So, I apologize. I wish I kept up. I wish I had the energy to keep up. There was a lot of great music this year. A lot. The favorites show will be hard to do.
But no electronica.
Sorry about that.
(Looking around, sounds of crickets, the lights dim.)
Monday, December 03, 2012
Worry Not!
Don't worry, be happy I didn't play that song on my show about worry.
Otherwise, worry. There's every reason to. Perhaps Self Help Radio's show can help ease your worries.
The show is worrying itself at Self Help Radio Dot Net. As usual, it's in two parts, or, as I worry someone will call them, "chunks." Part one is here & part two is here, with a track listing of each part below.
As always, thanks for listening!
(part one)
"I'm So Worried" Monty Python _Monty Python Sings_
"Ease My Worried Mind" Sonny Terry & Brownie McGhee _Hometown Blues_
"I Don't Worry Myself" Johnny Adams _Action Speaks Louder Than Words: The Best Of SSS International_
"Isch Ka Bibble (I Should Worry)" Kay Kyser _The Best Of Kay Kyser & His Orchestra_
"Worryin' Kind" Regents _Quagmire, Vol. 5_
"Something Is Worrying Me" Otis Redding _The Otis Redding Story_
"Don't Worry This Isn't About You" The Cat's Miaow _Songs For Girls To Sing_
"Baby Don'tcha Worry" Tammi Terrell _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 6: 1966_
"God's Getting Worried" Virginia Dandies _Goodbye, Babylon_
"Your Time To Worry" Blind Willie McTell _Complete Recorded Works, Vol.3 (1933-35)_
"Don't Worry Baby" Bryan Ferry _These Foolish Things_
"Sometimes I Worry About You" The Razorcuts _Sometimes I Worry About You_
"Why I Worry About You" House Of Commons _History Of Michigan Garage, Vol. 1: The Wheels 4 Label Story_
"Don't Worry" Pere Ubu _Raygun Suitcase_
"Worried Blues" Bob Dylan _The Bootleg Series, Vols. 1-3 : Rare & Unreleased, 1961-1991_
(part two)
"Don't Worry About The Government" Talking Heads _The Name Of This Band Is Talking Heads_
"Why Worry" Israel Vibration _The Same Song_
"Worri" Majesty Crush _Fan_
"Worry Worry" The Fiery Furnaces _Gallowsbird's Bark_
"Worry" The Splinters _Kick_
"Do I Worry?" The Ink Spots _The Singing Detective_
"Don't You Worry Little One" Adventures In Stereo _Adventures In Stereo_
"Worried Man Blues" The Carter Family _Wildwood Flower_
"Worryhead" Summer Twins _Summer Twins_
"Worried Life Blues" Big Maceo _When The Sun Goes Down, Vol. 4: That's All Right_
"The Worryin' Song" Guided By Voices _Demons & Painkillers_
"Don't Worry" The Moss Poles _Shorn_
"Nothin' In The World Can Stop Me Worryin' Bout That Girl" The Kinks _Kinda Kinks_
"Do Your Best & Don't Worry" Morrissey _Southpaw Grammar_
"New Worried Mind" Bob Wills _San Antonio Rose_
"Worried Blues" Gladys Bentley _Roots N' Blues: The Retrospective (1925-1950)_
Sunday, December 02, 2012
Whither Worry?
Please hurry, hurry, hurry!
We've got no time for worry!
Because your eyes get blurry
when you worry, worry, worry!
At dinner we'll have curry
& afterwards we'll worry!
We'll scowl like Fred McMurray
& we'll worry, worry, worry!
If you've lost your fringe-topped surrey
It's probably time to worry!
Don't scamper & don't scurry
While you worry, worry, worry!
Find a friend who's face is furry
To join in on the worry!
In the middle of a flurry
We will worry, worry, worry!
You're looking Raymond Burr-y
Just Perry Mason worries!
Like a ship's deck covered in gurry
All our worry, worry, worry!
You can simper like Peter Lorre
When you worry worry worry!
Or you can dance like Arthur Murray
When you worry worry worry!
More bad poetry tomorrow on Self Help Radio - from 7 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington & online at wrfl dot fm!
Archived later at self help radio dot net!
No worries!
We've got no time for worry!
Because your eyes get blurry
when you worry, worry, worry!
At dinner we'll have curry
& afterwards we'll worry!
We'll scowl like Fred McMurray
& we'll worry, worry, worry!
If you've lost your fringe-topped surrey
It's probably time to worry!
Don't scamper & don't scurry
While you worry, worry, worry!
Find a friend who's face is furry
To join in on the worry!
In the middle of a flurry
We will worry, worry, worry!
You're looking Raymond Burr-y
Just Perry Mason worries!
Like a ship's deck covered in gurry
All our worry, worry, worry!
You can simper like Peter Lorre
When you worry worry worry!
Or you can dance like Arthur Murray
When you worry worry worry!
More bad poetry tomorrow on Self Help Radio - from 7 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington & online at wrfl dot fm!
Archived later at self help radio dot net!
No worries!
Saturday, December 01, 2012
Preface To Worry: It Takes A Worried Person
Thirteen years ago - it was another century - I happened into a men's room in an unfamiliar building at the University of Texas at Austin. I was walking across campus &, you know, had to use the facilities, like you do, & wandered into the nearest building.
It was a nice old restroom, dating - like the building - from the early 1960s. The building was mostly deserted - it was afternoon, it was summer, there were no classes - so I had the place to myself, which is how I prefer it anyway.
I used to carry a notebook with me to write stuff down, thoughts & ideas, impressions, even (god help me) poetry & prose. But I wasn't going to be composing on the crapper - I just needed to "do my business" & get out of there.
I am glad I had the notebook, though, because there was a sort-of haiku on the wall, & commentary, which delighted me so that I had to write it down.
Someone wrote:
"No matter how beautiful she is
Someone, somewhere
Is sick of her shit."
Underneath, a different person wrote:
"We should have such worries, you and i."
That building - & therefore that little bit of bathroom poesy - no longer exists. There's another building in its place, & I remember thinking about the graffiti when I watched workers tear the building down a few years later.
Over time workers built something new there, & I walked past it often as I walked around campus, but for the life of me I can't think of what that new edifice looks like.
But I can see the scrawled words of wisdom - & the pithy response - on the back of a men's room's stall's door as clear as day.
It was a nice old restroom, dating - like the building - from the early 1960s. The building was mostly deserted - it was afternoon, it was summer, there were no classes - so I had the place to myself, which is how I prefer it anyway.
I used to carry a notebook with me to write stuff down, thoughts & ideas, impressions, even (god help me) poetry & prose. But I wasn't going to be composing on the crapper - I just needed to "do my business" & get out of there.
I am glad I had the notebook, though, because there was a sort-of haiku on the wall, & commentary, which delighted me so that I had to write it down.
Someone wrote:
"No matter how beautiful she is
Someone, somewhere
Is sick of her shit."
Underneath, a different person wrote:
"We should have such worries, you and i."
That building - & therefore that little bit of bathroom poesy - no longer exists. There's another building in its place, & I remember thinking about the graffiti when I watched workers tear the building down a few years later.
Over time workers built something new there, & I walked past it often as I walked around campus, but for the life of me I can't think of what that new edifice looks like.
But I can see the scrawled words of wisdom - & the pithy response - on the back of a men's room's stall's door as clear as day.
Friday, November 30, 2012
The Gag Writer
Did anyone call for a gag writer? There's a gag writer at the door.
He's a nervous chap, with a crooked smile, & he's holding a small box which appears to contain a lot of differently colored index cards.
He speaks so softly! Bernie said he had a kind of feminine giggle.
You wouldn't think it - this is an old neighborhood, there are so many retirees here - but he says that, yes, he often gets calls from folks who want a joke here & there. Many jokes, he says, are started by the person who requests him, but they can't think of a punchline.
Tanya asks him if he sings, & he blushes & says, Oh no.
It's not hard, he says, to think of funny things. What's hard is that people find different things funny. We make him a cup of tea & he sits down, keeping the box of index cards on his lap.
He's very polite, Bernie notes, & though he appears ill at ease, he smiles & listens intently to our comments, & answers all of our questions.
He realizes he got the address wrong - we're a road & he was looking for an avenue - & he is apologetic, hoping he did not put us out in any way.
He gives me his card, & I can't help thinking that if he had a hat - well, not only would it cover his bald spot - but he'd tip it as he left. He seems like that kind of guy.
He gets into his beat-up Ford Fiesta, backs into our driveway to turn around, & chugs off down the street.
It's funny, Tanya says. We had a gag writer here & never even asked him to tell us a joke.
He's a nervous chap, with a crooked smile, & he's holding a small box which appears to contain a lot of differently colored index cards.
He speaks so softly! Bernie said he had a kind of feminine giggle.
You wouldn't think it - this is an old neighborhood, there are so many retirees here - but he says that, yes, he often gets calls from folks who want a joke here & there. Many jokes, he says, are started by the person who requests him, but they can't think of a punchline.
Tanya asks him if he sings, & he blushes & says, Oh no.
It's not hard, he says, to think of funny things. What's hard is that people find different things funny. We make him a cup of tea & he sits down, keeping the box of index cards on his lap.
He's very polite, Bernie notes, & though he appears ill at ease, he smiles & listens intently to our comments, & answers all of our questions.
He realizes he got the address wrong - we're a road & he was looking for an avenue - & he is apologetic, hoping he did not put us out in any way.
He gives me his card, & I can't help thinking that if he had a hat - well, not only would it cover his bald spot - but he'd tip it as he left. He seems like that kind of guy.
He gets into his beat-up Ford Fiesta, backs into our driveway to turn around, & chugs off down the street.
It's funny, Tanya says. We had a gag writer here & never even asked him to tell us a joke.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Gasp! First Ever Blog Post Written On My Phone!
It comes as no surprise that I am somewhat behind in technological advances - I still don't know what Instagram is - so as I was sitting here in a boring meeting, it occurred to me I could write in my dumb blog instead of paying attention.
I wonder, will it say "posted from my iPhone"?
That always annoys me.
I don't think it's something I'll do regularly. It's hard to type on the phone, especially since I didn't grow up with texting. Also, I have fingers like sausages.
Still, it's neat. Now if I could just learn how to send pictures with my texts...
Content? What content!
I wonder, will it say "posted from my iPhone"?
That always annoys me.
I don't think it's something I'll do regularly. It's hard to type on the phone, especially since I didn't grow up with texting. Also, I have fingers like sausages.
Still, it's neat. Now if I could just learn how to send pictures with my texts...
Content? What content!
Monday, November 26, 2012
Another Birthday Down The Drain
Hey people! Do you have a person with whom you're madly in love? Also, do you have a radio show? If so, one way to celebrate that person's life is to make a radio show every year around the time of his or her birthday & play a lot of birthday songs! You will average a 41% rise in goodwill which will make your next year very happy!
What? You don't have a radio show? You can use mine! Just go to Self Help Radio's website & listen to this week's show, which is about birthdays! (You can see the song list below.)
Hey! I know what you're thinking! This is about someone named "Magda." (See picture above.) Sure, but the songs aren't all about her. & anyway, for a short time, you can still listen to last year's birthday show for her. All those songs! About birthdays! 41% I said!
(For this year's show, you can listen to each part by clicking here: part one | part two.)
Happy birthday to Magda! Again!
& thank you for listening!
(part one)
"Peter's Birthday (Black & White Rainbows)" World Of Oz _Muffin Man_
"A Cat Had A Birthday" Sesame Street _Hot! Hot! Hot! Dance Songs_
"Happy Birthday" So Many Wizards _Warm Nothing_
"Happy Birthday Lisa" Jens Lekman _Live From Stora Teatern_
"Born" Beloved Binge _Pockets_
"Happy Hippie Birthday" SoKo _I Thought I Was An Alien_
"Happy Happy Birthday Baby" Sandy Posey _Sandy Posey: Born to Be Hurt - The Anthology (1966-1982)_
"All The Birthdays" The Apartments _The Evening Visits... & Stays Forever_
"Jest's Birthday" Kimya Dawson _Knock-Knock Who?_
"Birthday Reminder" The Smittens _Believe Me_
"Envelope" The Phantom Six _Plastic Rain_
"Happy Birthday To Me!" Luv Clowns _Love Clowns!_
"The Happy Birthday Song" Andrew Bird _Andrew Bird & The Mysterious Production Of Eggs_
(part two)
"Magdalena" Alan Vega _Jukebox Babe/Collision Drive_
"Romance In Durango" Bob Dylan _Desire_
"Oh Magdalena" George Baker Selection _The Complete Collection_
"Magdalen Sky" Mark Gardener _These Beautiful Ghosts_
"Birthdays" Max Bollinger _Easy Russian For English Speakers, Vol. 1 & 2_
"Keep Your Hands Off Of It (Birthday Cake)" Jerry Lee Lewis _Jerry Rocks_
"Happy Birthday To You" O.B. Jackson _Hollerin'_
"Birthday" The Sensational Alex Harvey Band _Considering The Situation: Anthology_
"Happy Birthday, Mr. President (James Hardway Remix)" Marilyn Monroe _Greatest Hits Remixed_
"Happy Birthday" Bernadette Carroll _Touch The Wall Of Sound, Vol. 3_
"Special Birthday Person" Space Ghost _Yeah, Whatever..._
"Happy Happy Birthday To Me" Colin Clary _One Hundred Decembers_
"The Birthday" Hospitality _Hospitality_
"Can You Keep A Secret?" Lotus Eaters _No Sense Of Sin_
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Whither Magda's Birthday 2012?
Let's get the important stuff out of the way: there is a woman named Magda, whom I married (although it might be more appropriate to say she allowed me to marry her) & with whom I fell madly in love with over a decade ago. Such is my clumsy attempt at showing my love to her that I do a birthday show for her every year. I play songs about birthdays. If I played songs about her, I might get in a little trouble. I play it safe by celebrating all birthdays by virtue of the fact that it's the birthday of the love of my life.
That's all well & good. Here's what I want to say: it's getting harder & harder to find good birthday songs.
I'm serious.
Well, I hear someone who doesn't know me very well say, why not just play the best birthday songs every year?
I know that's the modus operandi of your average radio show. Tune in on Halloween, they play "Monster Mash." Most radio listeners want to hear things they find familiar, which is why there's a lot of money in classic rock & "jammin' oldies."
I believe that one of the main reasons that not too many people listen to my show is because I don't play the same stuff over & over. That used to bother me. It doesn't really any more. Without listeners, I am free to play what I like. & what I like is not to play the same stuff over & over.
If that's the case, & if I am to continue to celebrate my love's birthday every year with wonderful birthday songs, can I please ask the musicians of the world: can you make more & better birthday songs in 2013? If every band I loved just made one really great birthday song, I'd be set through 2020. & let's be honest - by 2020, she's probably going to realize she made a mistake by marrying me & I can celebrate the divorce date with songs about broken hearts.
There's a lot of those.
Hey! Come celebrate Magda's birthday with me tomorrow morning from 7 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington &/or online at WRFL.fm!
I'll archive it as a birthday present for her - & you! - at the Self Help Radio website before her birthday. Promise!
That's all well & good. Here's what I want to say: it's getting harder & harder to find good birthday songs.
I'm serious.
Well, I hear someone who doesn't know me very well say, why not just play the best birthday songs every year?
I know that's the modus operandi of your average radio show. Tune in on Halloween, they play "Monster Mash." Most radio listeners want to hear things they find familiar, which is why there's a lot of money in classic rock & "jammin' oldies."
I believe that one of the main reasons that not too many people listen to my show is because I don't play the same stuff over & over. That used to bother me. It doesn't really any more. Without listeners, I am free to play what I like. & what I like is not to play the same stuff over & over.
If that's the case, & if I am to continue to celebrate my love's birthday every year with wonderful birthday songs, can I please ask the musicians of the world: can you make more & better birthday songs in 2013? If every band I loved just made one really great birthday song, I'd be set through 2020. & let's be honest - by 2020, she's probably going to realize she made a mistake by marrying me & I can celebrate the divorce date with songs about broken hearts.
There's a lot of those.
Hey! Come celebrate Magda's birthday with me tomorrow morning from 7 to 9am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington &/or online at WRFL.fm!
I'll archive it as a birthday present for her - & you! - at the Self Help Radio website before her birthday. Promise!
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Preface To... Wait A Minute! Did I Make A Scheduling Error?
Oh no!
Every year for a long time - since 2004, when the show was barely two years old - I've been celebrating my beloved's birthday with songs about birthdays. Her birthday is on December 1st, but for some reason this year I scheduled her birthday show on December 3rd.
(My show will obviously not fall on her birthday, since it'll be a Saturday.)
Here's the problem: like with holidays, if you can't celebrate them on the day, it's much much better to celebrate them before than after. Who the hell wants to open up Christmas presents on December 28th?
I made a ridiculous mistake by scheduling my sweetheart's birthday show two days after her birthday. So I will do a birthday show for her this Monday.
The list of upcoming shows has been officially swapped out on the official website, which I suppose makes it official.
The worry show will happen next week, don't worry!
Every year for a long time - since 2004, when the show was barely two years old - I've been celebrating my beloved's birthday with songs about birthdays. Her birthday is on December 1st, but for some reason this year I scheduled her birthday show on December 3rd.
(My show will obviously not fall on her birthday, since it'll be a Saturday.)
Here's the problem: like with holidays, if you can't celebrate them on the day, it's much much better to celebrate them before than after. Who the hell wants to open up Christmas presents on December 28th?
I made a ridiculous mistake by scheduling my sweetheart's birthday show two days after her birthday. So I will do a birthday show for her this Monday.
The list of upcoming shows has been officially swapped out on the official website, which I suppose makes it official.
The worry show will happen next week, don't worry!
Friday, November 23, 2012
But This Is What I Have To Say About Airports
I am a little depressed that I've reached an age where I go to airports instead of bus stations. From the age of 18 until 25, when (at the time) you could legally rent a car, I rode buses back & forth all across Texas. Mostly these bus rides were uninteresting, but I did have some minor adventures. I met a sad divorcee running from her husband on a bus ride from Laredo to Austin, who might have wanted to kiss me if I had shown any interest. I watched a crazy person get kicked off a bus somewhere near Temple - after the bus driver took pity on the person, who was hitchhiking, & let him get on the bus for free. (The bus driver didn't know he was also welcoming this oaf's bottle of cheap hooch.) Outside the big bus terminal in Dallas, I was either mistaken for a narc - or almost set up for an arrest - by a fellow who dropped a bag of pot in front of me as I passed. Needless to say, I did not pick up the bag on the ground. I started to say something like, "Hey! You dropped something!" but quickly realized the situation was hinky & walked on.
Airports used to be fun. It was fun to meet a loved one at the gate. I knew some people who'd go to airports after hours to shoot dumb drunk movies. Airports lost their shit over ten years ago but I remember going to the bar to sit & wait for someone. Now it's all baggage claim. Everyone gathered at baggage claim. Often at the bottom of an escalator. It's stupid & unromantic.
More than that, I just don't like airports. I am more comfortable with vending machines than I am with franchise restaurants. I like that you can survey an entire bus terminal (well, at least in the South) with a glance; an airport occupies huge acreage. & let's face it - you feel safer in a bus terminal. Except for that one movie - jeez, was Denzel Washington in it? what is the name of that film? - no one's really thinking about blowing up buses. No one.
(I just did a google search. It's a Don Cheadle film, actually, called "Traitor." It's not bad. Sorry for the mix-up.)
Planes are somewhat more convenient than buses, it's true. A trip from Lexington to Dallas takes 19 hours (!) & costs nearly two hundred bucks. The same trip costs twice as much - & has an annoying connection in some random city, often in the opposite direction where you're heading - but takes six or seven hours. That wins!
Even if it means spending downtime in airports. Which are some of the saddest, loneliest places on the planet.
Airports used to be fun. It was fun to meet a loved one at the gate. I knew some people who'd go to airports after hours to shoot dumb drunk movies. Airports lost their shit over ten years ago but I remember going to the bar to sit & wait for someone. Now it's all baggage claim. Everyone gathered at baggage claim. Often at the bottom of an escalator. It's stupid & unromantic.
More than that, I just don't like airports. I am more comfortable with vending machines than I am with franchise restaurants. I like that you can survey an entire bus terminal (well, at least in the South) with a glance; an airport occupies huge acreage. & let's face it - you feel safer in a bus terminal. Except for that one movie - jeez, was Denzel Washington in it? what is the name of that film? - no one's really thinking about blowing up buses. No one.
(I just did a google search. It's a Don Cheadle film, actually, called "Traitor." It's not bad. Sorry for the mix-up.)
Planes are somewhat more convenient than buses, it's true. A trip from Lexington to Dallas takes 19 hours (!) & costs nearly two hundred bucks. The same trip costs twice as much - & has an annoying connection in some random city, often in the opposite direction where you're heading - but takes six or seven hours. That wins!
Even if it means spending downtime in airports. Which are some of the saddest, loneliest places on the planet.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thansk!
I don't believe in anything supernatural to whom I could "give thanks" but I can say a brief "thank you" to anyone who has taken the time to sit & listen to my ridiculous little radio show. I very much appreciate it, & wish I could somehow make it better, since you probably deserve better.
So thank YOU today. I'm a little worried that you do listen - but I am glad you do.
So thank YOU today. I'm a little worried that you do listen - but I am glad you do.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Table For You
Yeah, I did a show about tables. Is there anything else to say about that?
I didn't think so.
You can listen to it now at the the Self Help Radio website. It's in two parts - like one of those tables you can add a middle part to to make it longer. Part one is over on this side & part two is over on that side. There is an invisible table below which says what's in each part.
As always, thanks for listening!
(part one)
"The Table" The Beautiful South _Quench_
"Table" Fuck _Those Are Not My Bongos_
"The Table" Sonny James _Young Love: The Complete Recordings 1952-62_
"You Turned The Tables On Me" Billie Holiday _Solitude_
"Tables Are Turning" Brenda Lee _Little Miss Dynamite_
"Turn The Table" Kleenex/Liliput _Kleenex/LiLiPUT 1978-1983_
"Tables Turning" Modern English _After The Snow_
"Coffee Table Song" Edwyn Collins _Hope & Despair_
"Diplomatic Dining Tables" Gloria Cycles _Campsite Discotheque_
"Card Table" Holly Golightly _Singles Round-Up_
"The Periodic Table" Death By Chocolate _Bric-a-Brac_
"Under The Table With Her" Sparks _Indiscreet_
(part two)
"Crumbs From The Table" Young Disciples _Eccentric Soul: The Young Disciples_
"Crumbs Off The Table" The Glass House _Inside The Glass House_
"Fight At The Table" Chris Bell _I Am The Cosmos_
"Knives On The Table" California Oranges _Souvenirs_
"You Take The Table" Miki & Griff _A Little Bitty Tear: The Pye Anthology_
"One Table Away" Toussaint McCall _Nothing Takes The Place Of You_
"Table For One (Live)" Darren Hayman & The Wave Pictures _Madrid_
"On The Table" A.C. Newman _The Slow Wonder_
"That Girl Who Waits On Tables" Ronnie Milsap _The Essential Ronnie Milsap_
"Hands Across The Table" Fats Domino _The Original Rock & Roll Classics_
"Knights Of The Round Table" Monty Python _Monty Python Sings_
"Tables & Chairs" Nits _Work_
"Table Top Joe" Tom Waits _Alice_
"Get To The Table On Time" M. Ward _Transfiguration Of Vincent_
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Whither Tables?
My wife is a notorious cheapskate. A skinflint. A tightwad. A penny pincher. (She once called herself a spendthrift, thinking it was synonymous with "thrifty," but she's actually the opposite of that.) Her cheapness is astonishing, & I have a lot of fun teasing her by pretending to want to buy expensive, ridiculous things, which - because she's miserly & that overpowers her sense of humor - tends to make her quite upset. Just saying things like, "It's only five hundred dollars" causes her to break into spasms of fear & anger.
Unless - of course - it's something that she wants. Like our house. It was "worth the price." I can sometimes agree with her on things like that. Except.
Except our dining room table.
It cost a lot. It cost a little too much. We don't eat off it, except when we have guests. We have guests maybe every other month. I put things on it that I can't put on my desk. I think it annoys my wife. But what can she do? We're not otherwise using the table.
I dedicate tomorrow's show, about tables, to my wife's expensive table. The show is on from 7 to 9 am tomorrow morning, Monday, on 88.1 fm in Lexington, & online at WRFL dot fm.
When I come home, I put the recording of the show on that table. Sometimes it gets buried under stuff. I'll put it on the Self Help Radio website as soon as possible - otherwise it may get buried!
Unless - of course - it's something that she wants. Like our house. It was "worth the price." I can sometimes agree with her on things like that. Except.
Except our dining room table.
It cost a lot. It cost a little too much. We don't eat off it, except when we have guests. We have guests maybe every other month. I put things on it that I can't put on my desk. I think it annoys my wife. But what can she do? We're not otherwise using the table.
I dedicate tomorrow's show, about tables, to my wife's expensive table. The show is on from 7 to 9 am tomorrow morning, Monday, on 88.1 fm in Lexington, & online at WRFL dot fm.
When I come home, I put the recording of the show on that table. Sometimes it gets buried under stuff. I'll put it on the Self Help Radio website as soon as possible - otherwise it may get buried!
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Friday, November 16, 2012
Toothless
Like everyone else, I've dreamt of losing my teeth, though not anywhere near as horrifying as Charlie just pulling his teeth out quizzically in It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. I at least feel justified in worrying about my teeth just falling out because I have terrible teeth. I have managed to salvage most of mine (I have only had to have one pulled) which is so incredibly fortunate since I'm pretty sure I didn't see a dentist before I was twenty-two years old. (My mother had other priorities.)
It's hard to find data about people dreaming of losing their teeth but it's not hard to find out what that's supposed to mean. Humans really need to have their dreams mean something, which is part & parcel of the hubris of our species, & the web insists that losing teeth means either "embarrassment" or "losing faith." Not only are those two things completely unrelated, I should think it's not at all embarrassing to "lose faith."
(The Devil's Dictionary defines faith as "belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.")
It's far more easy to find figures about how many people no longer have teeth, & it's a little frightening: one quarter of adults in the United States over the age of 65 have lost all their teeth. That's more terrifying to me than dreams of teeth falling out or, worse, being loose in my mouth, because it seems far more likely to happen to me. Two decades is a long time to neglect one's teeth.
Luckily I am not a patient at the hella sarcastic Doon South Dental in Kitchener, Ontario, which has this hilarious article entitled How To Get Rid Of Your Teeth on their website. It's a scream.
I won't sleep well tonight.
It's hard to find data about people dreaming of losing their teeth but it's not hard to find out what that's supposed to mean. Humans really need to have their dreams mean something, which is part & parcel of the hubris of our species, & the web insists that losing teeth means either "embarrassment" or "losing faith." Not only are those two things completely unrelated, I should think it's not at all embarrassing to "lose faith."
(The Devil's Dictionary defines faith as "belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.")
It's far more easy to find figures about how many people no longer have teeth, & it's a little frightening: one quarter of adults in the United States over the age of 65 have lost all their teeth. That's more terrifying to me than dreams of teeth falling out or, worse, being loose in my mouth, because it seems far more likely to happen to me. Two decades is a long time to neglect one's teeth.
Luckily I am not a patient at the hella sarcastic Doon South Dental in Kitchener, Ontario, which has this hilarious article entitled How To Get Rid Of Your Teeth on their website. It's a scream.
I won't sleep well tonight.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Another Recommendation? For reals?
I can't recommend this - I haven't heard it yet - but look what I have espied:
Toy Love! Live At The Gluepot 1980! Info here!
Holy jumpin jeebus on a rhinoceros horn! That's the best news I've heard all week!
Holy jumpin jeebus on a rhinoceros horn! That's the best news I've heard all week!
Monday, November 12, 2012
An Invisible Show
I bet you didn't see this show coming. I personally couldn't see the point. Still, the show listed some things you can't see & some super-heroes who can turn invisible. Also, an invisibility spell! Really! Plus many songs about being invisible - literally or metaphorically.
The show can be seen at the highly visible Self Help Radio website. If you'd rather not be seen there, you can download the show (it's in two parts) by clicking here for part one & here for part two. Can't see what's in both parts? That's because it's at the end of this blog post!
Thanks for listening!
(part one)
"Invisible" Lenny Miles _The Best Doo-Wop Of Scepter Records_
"Invisible" Poprace _Clear EP_
"Invisible" The Forever People _Invisible_
"Invisible Man" Holger Czukay _Good Morning Story_
"Invisible Man" Breeders _Last Splash_
"The Invisible Man" Elvis Costello _Punch The Clock_
"An Invisible Man" Nick Todd _Pat Boone's Little Brother - Rockin' Classics_
"The Invisible Man" Milky _Travels With A Donkey_
"The Invisible Man & The Unforgettable Girl" Bill Nelson _Blue Moons & Laughing Guitars_
"Invisible Girl" The King Khan & BBQ Show _Invisible Girl_
"The Invisible Girl" Fonda _Moshi-Moshi: Pop International Style_
"The Invisible Dog" Electrelane _Rock It To The Moon_
(part two)
"To Be Invisible" Curtis Mayfield _Sweet Exorcist_
"Spell One - The Invisibility Cloak" Plusquam Workshop _Workshop - Teen Witch_
"My Invisible Friend" The Bartlebees _What Is It All About?_
"Invisible People" Hamilton Streetcar _Highs In The Mid-Sixties, Vol. 3: L.A. '67, Mondo Hollywood À Go-Go_
"Dodging Invisible Rays" Guided By Voices _Demons & Painkillers_
"Invisible Tears" Ned Miller _From A Jack To A King_
"Invisible One" Tanya Donelly _This Hungry Life_
"She's Invisible Now" Eurthymics _In The Garden_
"Invisible Sun" The Police _Ghost In The Machine_
"Uptown Invisible" Moose _Uptown_
"Invisible Ink" Sweet William _Ambiguous_
"Invisible State" Bill Pritchard _3 Months, 3 Weeks & 2 Days_
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Whither The Invisible Show?
You might enjoy this fellow, John Lloyd, as he does a TED talk on inventorying the invisible. It will get you in the mood for tomorrow's show.
Tomorrow's show will be invisible, as all radio shows are, but you can hear it - it's noisy as hell - by listening in Lexington at the 88.1 fm frequency. It will also find its way into the internets & you can listen online at the WRFL web page. Why, it will probably even end up eventually on the Self Help Radio web site, which is visible to the untrained eye.
I sometimes believe I am only visible when I'm on the radio - you know, when no one can see me.
Tomorrow's show will be invisible, as all radio shows are, but you can hear it - it's noisy as hell - by listening in Lexington at the 88.1 fm frequency. It will also find its way into the internets & you can listen online at the WRFL web page. Why, it will probably even end up eventually on the Self Help Radio web site, which is visible to the untrained eye.
I sometimes believe I am only visible when I'm on the radio - you know, when no one can see me.