As promised: the August Self Help Radio Extra mix is up for your listening-to enjoyment. Please hire me to make mixes for your supermarket or retail establishment. I can make old ladies blush under their rosacea. Unless that's not what you want.
As threatened: tomorrow's Self Help Radio will be about those stalwart defenders of democracy, chairs. Yes, chairs. Imagine where America would be sitting if we didn't have chairs! We'd be standing, that's where! & what true American could stand a world without chairs! Not this reclining patriot!
See you tomorrow then. Get some sleep. You look a little, I dunno, ragged. Oh wait. I'm seeing my reflection in my monitor. Holy shit!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
The Worst Joke Ever: A Chronology
I got into a habit in the last century where I would get a lot of free email accounts, then subscribe them to some "daily affirmation" or "joke-a-day" service because, in those days, the accounts could be suspended in they were not used. A million of those "free email" sites came & went, sadly. My favorites were muslimonline.com (I so wanted to be christ@muslimonline.com, but someone beat me to it) & startrekonline.com (although of course the best emails there were already taken - even yoda@startrekonline.com!). Of course, I took to reading the daily whatevers (I'm not proud), & I have two thoughts about them, since I checked one of my remaining accounts just now & it's still subscribed to one of those daily email services.
The first thought is: some of those daily emails are pathetic, some are just saccharine & unbearable, none are helpful or interesting to people who have IQs with more than two digits, but at least one was downright scary. It doesn't exist any more, but one I subscribed to could have been called "The Scariest Possible Conclusions Drawn From Daily Bible Verses." I don't have any of them saved, alas! (the account disappeared - maybe I was cute & subscribed it to my muslimonline account!) but here's a paraphrase:
TODAY'S VERSE: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind, it is abomination." Lev. 18:22
TODAY'S LESSON: You must kill all homosexuals.
Not that unsubtle, of course, but scary enough for me, & I've seen most if not all of the seven billion kinds of religious craziness, to go, "Whoa!" Day after day. It was awesome!
The second is: those joke of the day emails are painfully lame. I know some so-called comedians & even their slightly exhausting attempts at funny ha ha are brilliant compared with most of these. I just wish they'd steal something from a book. It makes me sad. Here was today's (paraphrased):
A dude stole a bird. He ran afowl of the law!
Seriously. They used a few dozen more words, but that was the joke. & it's like that most every day!
I spent a little free time today working on the August Self Help Radio Extra. I'll put it up tomorrow. I'm sure you can't wait. Meanwhile, I'll be starting a Self Help Radio Joking Affirmation Of The Day email list soon enough. Sign up for it at your own peril.
The first thought is: some of those daily emails are pathetic, some are just saccharine & unbearable, none are helpful or interesting to people who have IQs with more than two digits, but at least one was downright scary. It doesn't exist any more, but one I subscribed to could have been called "The Scariest Possible Conclusions Drawn From Daily Bible Verses." I don't have any of them saved, alas! (the account disappeared - maybe I was cute & subscribed it to my muslimonline account!) but here's a paraphrase:
TODAY'S VERSE: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind, it is abomination." Lev. 18:22
TODAY'S LESSON: You must kill all homosexuals.
Not that unsubtle, of course, but scary enough for me, & I've seen most if not all of the seven billion kinds of religious craziness, to go, "Whoa!" Day after day. It was awesome!
The second is: those joke of the day emails are painfully lame. I know some so-called comedians & even their slightly exhausting attempts at funny ha ha are brilliant compared with most of these. I just wish they'd steal something from a book. It makes me sad. Here was today's (paraphrased):
A dude stole a bird. He ran afowl of the law!
Seriously. They used a few dozen more words, but that was the joke. & it's like that most every day!
I spent a little free time today working on the August Self Help Radio Extra. I'll put it up tomorrow. I'm sure you can't wait. Meanwhile, I'll be starting a Self Help Radio Joking Affirmation Of The Day email list soon enough. Sign up for it at your own peril.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Whither Chairs?
This week's Self Help Radio is dedicated to the loving memory of Alfred "Thorny" Swaller, the most famous man in the world ever born without a heinie.
For years young "Thorny" watched as other kids, kids with rear ends, were able to do all the fun things that he could not. Among the joys denied "Thorny" were: flatulence, ass-slapping, defecation, buggery, pinchy-pinchy, mooning, &, of course, sitting. Alfred "Thorny" Swaller was one of the few young men in America who never, ever used a chair.
"There are many delicate & painful consequences involved in being born without a posterior," says Dr. Leonard Felch, a leading specialist in the treatment of birth defects. "Nature will re-route your waste expulsion mechanism to wherever it can. Which can be disgusting."
But why, Dr. Felch, couldn't "Thorny" sit?
"Most of all, his condition caused the body to lean forward when he walked, & so he tended to remain upright when possible. Or lean. 'Thorny' was a leaner. Trying to sit might 'bow' his body in such a way that it would not only have been quite painful but it may have made it impossible for him to get back up without help. & 'Thorny' was fiercely independent."
Three months ago, the forty-five-years-young "Thorny" Swaller wrote an email to the Self Help Radio offices, then in exile in Kitchener, Ontario. The letter, which cannot be reproduced because it was illegible, touched the staff of the well-regarded but under-nourished radio show, who determined to make a show for "Thorny" before he died. Unfortunately, Alfred "Thorny" Swaller died, ironically enough, from prostate cancer, which the doctors had missed, because they had assumed he either didn't have a prostate gland, or it was simply some place else. Oh he had one.
A "regime change" at the Self Help Radio offices brought down Scooter Lothario, executive in charge of thematics, who already was in trouble because of the "Dynamite" show debacle (TNT is not dynamite! Stupid stupid stupid!), & he was replaced by sentimental favorite Silver Fredlington, who promptly decided that the next show, regardless of theme, be dedicated to Swaller.
Fredlington was fired earlier this week when it was discovered the show would be all about chairs.
Nonetheless, this week's Self Help Radio is dedicated to the loving memory of Alfred "Thorny" Swaller. Here's hoping that, wherever you are, you can finally sit down.
For years young "Thorny" watched as other kids, kids with rear ends, were able to do all the fun things that he could not. Among the joys denied "Thorny" were: flatulence, ass-slapping, defecation, buggery, pinchy-pinchy, mooning, &, of course, sitting. Alfred "Thorny" Swaller was one of the few young men in America who never, ever used a chair.
"There are many delicate & painful consequences involved in being born without a posterior," says Dr. Leonard Felch, a leading specialist in the treatment of birth defects. "Nature will re-route your waste expulsion mechanism to wherever it can. Which can be disgusting."
But why, Dr. Felch, couldn't "Thorny" sit?
"Most of all, his condition caused the body to lean forward when he walked, & so he tended to remain upright when possible. Or lean. 'Thorny' was a leaner. Trying to sit might 'bow' his body in such a way that it would not only have been quite painful but it may have made it impossible for him to get back up without help. & 'Thorny' was fiercely independent."
Three months ago, the forty-five-years-young "Thorny" Swaller wrote an email to the Self Help Radio offices, then in exile in Kitchener, Ontario. The letter, which cannot be reproduced because it was illegible, touched the staff of the well-regarded but under-nourished radio show, who determined to make a show for "Thorny" before he died. Unfortunately, Alfred "Thorny" Swaller died, ironically enough, from prostate cancer, which the doctors had missed, because they had assumed he either didn't have a prostate gland, or it was simply some place else. Oh he had one.
A "regime change" at the Self Help Radio offices brought down Scooter Lothario, executive in charge of thematics, who already was in trouble because of the "Dynamite" show debacle (TNT is not dynamite! Stupid stupid stupid!), & he was replaced by sentimental favorite Silver Fredlington, who promptly decided that the next show, regardless of theme, be dedicated to Swaller.
Fredlington was fired earlier this week when it was discovered the show would be all about chairs.
Nonetheless, this week's Self Help Radio is dedicated to the loving memory of Alfred "Thorny" Swaller. Here's hoping that, wherever you are, you can finally sit down.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Preface To Chairs: Have A Seat!
There was once an increasingly violent discussion between two friends about punctuation. In particular, the taller of the two friends was telling the shorter of the two friends that the shorter of the two friends used the exclamation point way too often to suit the taller of the two friends' taste. The taller of the two friends told the shorter of the two friends that the continual gratuitous use of the exclamation point pissed him off.
"Really!" said the shorter of the two friends. The taller of the two friends started hitting the shorter of the two friends & did not stop until the shorter of the two friends could now be called "the friend who was now a bloody pulp."
"My God!" said the friend who was not a bloody pulp under his breath when he realized what he had done to his friend who was now a bloody pulp. "I can't believe I did that just because of an exclamation point!"
The New Yorker noted that "this story is amusing enough for pleasant company at cocktail parties, ski lodges, & barn burnings." The original writer of the tale, Savage H. Puncture, while agreeing with the review, quickly point out that the reviewer, summarizing the tale, left out the important ending & its import. In fact, there were two more paragraphs about a quizzical chair who watched the two friends with interest, especially when the blood began to be spilled.
Puncture's final paragraph told us that the chair did not get the same joke the reader of the tale should, & that that was sad, because it meant that chairs had no sense of irony. Chairs could be used ironically, or placed ironically, or discussed ironically, but they did not themselves understand the irony of a man angry at exclamation points using them when he realized where his anger led him.
Savage H. Puncture himself was murdered by a friend who didn't like his writing at all.
"Really!" said the shorter of the two friends. The taller of the two friends started hitting the shorter of the two friends & did not stop until the shorter of the two friends could now be called "the friend who was now a bloody pulp."
"My God!" said the friend who was not a bloody pulp under his breath when he realized what he had done to his friend who was now a bloody pulp. "I can't believe I did that just because of an exclamation point!"
The New Yorker noted that "this story is amusing enough for pleasant company at cocktail parties, ski lodges, & barn burnings." The original writer of the tale, Savage H. Puncture, while agreeing with the review, quickly point out that the reviewer, summarizing the tale, left out the important ending & its import. In fact, there were two more paragraphs about a quizzical chair who watched the two friends with interest, especially when the blood began to be spilled.
Puncture's final paragraph told us that the chair did not get the same joke the reader of the tale should, & that that was sad, because it meant that chairs had no sense of irony. Chairs could be used ironically, or placed ironically, or discussed ironically, but they did not themselves understand the irony of a man angry at exclamation points using them when he realized where his anger led him.
Savage H. Puncture himself was murdered by a friend who didn't like his writing at all.
Monday, August 11, 2008
A Wealthy Of Sharing
Hey! I had to wake up this morning early for the first time in thirteen years! It was awful! It's all dark outside & my girlfriend's still in bed with me! It was just so unseemly!
Why did I wake up so early? It was to listen to my former barber & current pal Zeke Moonshine as he subbed one of KVRX's great shows, Heliocentric Hootenanny. Zeke was there with his untrustworthy sidekick Boy Howdy, who's weirder than a square egg. I went ahead & archived the show over at my Self Help Radio page, since I liked it so much. Or I would have, if I had heard it. I fell back asleep because I couldn't find a way to remove my pillow prematurely from my head. It would've been like abortion or self-mutilation or something.
Might I also remind you, if you're visiting the Self Help Radio so-called web site, that this past week's Self Help Radio, about blossoms & blooms, is available there for however you want to play with it. It's a good show, & you'll learn all about flower pinching. Or are you brave enough? Hmmm?
Hurrah! I am done with this blog entry! Now I need to go stand outside in the painful August heat & see if I can keep my eyes open by burning my lower eyelids so it hurts for the upper lids to touch them.
Why did I wake up so early? It was to listen to my former barber & current pal Zeke Moonshine as he subbed one of KVRX's great shows, Heliocentric Hootenanny. Zeke was there with his untrustworthy sidekick Boy Howdy, who's weirder than a square egg. I went ahead & archived the show over at my Self Help Radio page, since I liked it so much. Or I would have, if I had heard it. I fell back asleep because I couldn't find a way to remove my pillow prematurely from my head. It would've been like abortion or self-mutilation or something.
Might I also remind you, if you're visiting the Self Help Radio so-called web site, that this past week's Self Help Radio, about blossoms & blooms, is available there for however you want to play with it. It's a good show, & you'll learn all about flower pinching. Or are you brave enough? Hmmm?
Hurrah! I am done with this blog entry! Now I need to go stand outside in the painful August heat & see if I can keep my eyes open by burning my lower eyelids so it hurts for the upper lids to touch them.
Friday, August 08, 2008
Olympic Scandal!
It's true! There's shame & scandal involving the Olympics! But not the shame & scandal you'd expect! No - NBC, which is showing the Olympics on the teevee over the next three hundred days, is pre-empting the best thing on television this summer: new episodes of Law & Order: Criminal Intent!
Look, I am as sad as you are of the fucked-up Chinese government & how they treat their people, & I wish & hope that somehow the word could get out & life could get better for the Chinese. But you know what? NBC doesn't care. Most certainly our government doesn't care. & what's worse, we owe the Chinese government a shitload of cash money. NBC is doubtless under strict orders not to get too "moral" or soon they'll be renamed the Nanking Broadcasting Company. I am sad & I wish & I hope but you know nothing is going to change because of the goddamned Olympics. The only thing sports changes is sweat into dollars - mostly for people who don't have to break a sweat.
With that all said, why can't I see new episodes of Law & Order: Criminal Intent instead? Mike Logan is leaving again! Eames is still mad at Goren! I still have a difficult-to-explain-to-my-girlfriend crush on Wheeler! Why celebrate & obfuscate the oppressive Chinese regime when more important things are happening in my imaginary emotional slash crime fighting life!
Look, I know they're shown on USA. I make sure I record them from USA. But my bullshit cable company doesn't have USA in high def. So the only chance I'm going to get to gaze longingly at Vincent D'Onofrio - er, I mean, Julianne Nicholson - in crisp, scarier than life video, is when it's shown on the bullshit local NBC affiliate. You get me? I've been taping one episode, then waiting eight days to see it in high def. & now the motherfucking Olympics has fucked that up for me.
I protest. I protest vehemently. Also, I won't be watching the Olympics grand opening sale-a-bration tonight, no. I'll be working on tomorrow's Self Help Radio, which is all about blossoms & blooms, something they know nothing about in China, & it'll be available tomorrow afternoon exclusively at selfhelpradio.net. But it'll be sad. For there will be no high def Law & Order: Criminal Intent for it to look forward to when it is done.
Weep for me! Weep for China! Weep for this world of fucked priorities! But mostly, weep for me. Seriously.
Look, I am as sad as you are of the fucked-up Chinese government & how they treat their people, & I wish & hope that somehow the word could get out & life could get better for the Chinese. But you know what? NBC doesn't care. Most certainly our government doesn't care. & what's worse, we owe the Chinese government a shitload of cash money. NBC is doubtless under strict orders not to get too "moral" or soon they'll be renamed the Nanking Broadcasting Company. I am sad & I wish & I hope but you know nothing is going to change because of the goddamned Olympics. The only thing sports changes is sweat into dollars - mostly for people who don't have to break a sweat.
With that all said, why can't I see new episodes of Law & Order: Criminal Intent instead? Mike Logan is leaving again! Eames is still mad at Goren! I still have a difficult-to-explain-to-my-girlfriend crush on Wheeler! Why celebrate & obfuscate the oppressive Chinese regime when more important things are happening in my imaginary emotional slash crime fighting life!
Look, I know they're shown on USA. I make sure I record them from USA. But my bullshit cable company doesn't have USA in high def. So the only chance I'm going to get to gaze longingly at Vincent D'Onofrio - er, I mean, Julianne Nicholson - in crisp, scarier than life video, is when it's shown on the bullshit local NBC affiliate. You get me? I've been taping one episode, then waiting eight days to see it in high def. & now the motherfucking Olympics has fucked that up for me.
I protest. I protest vehemently. Also, I won't be watching the Olympics grand opening sale-a-bration tonight, no. I'll be working on tomorrow's Self Help Radio, which is all about blossoms & blooms, something they know nothing about in China, & it'll be available tomorrow afternoon exclusively at selfhelpradio.net. But it'll be sad. For there will be no high def Law & Order: Criminal Intent for it to look forward to when it is done.
Weep for me! Weep for China! Weep for this world of fucked priorities! But mostly, weep for me. Seriously.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Saaaaay, Should You Be In North Carolina Or Something By Now?
Wow, I thought you'd never ask! If there weren't already an elephant in the room here with us, that would be the elephant in the room! (The elephant wants a peanut.)
No one but you cares, but I'll write about it here anyway. You'll recall that my lovely squeeze, Magda, had made plans to get her PhD this summer (she got it, a doctorate in whiskerology) (note, I started dating her because I thought she said "whiskeyology") (I'm an idiot) & had found a post-doc at Duke University, which is in North Carolina. I did lots of stuff in preparation for this - I drank more, I left my show & the radio station which kindly aired it, I began to make preparations for leaving my job, & I also drank more. A major freaky thing I was doing was mentally preparing myself to leave this place I've lived more than half of my life. I was riding the bus & going like (in my head, not to the drunk next to me) "This is the last time I'll ride the number 343 home from the comic convention!" Stuff like that. I wanted to be as supportive to Magda as possible, & I was definitely excited about going somewhere else.
The way things went, though, was somewhat different. We travelled to Durham in June, & toured the Duke campus, & visited the free-roaming lemurs in the Duke Forest, & had a swell time in that city built smack dab in a forest. But on the second day, Magda was deeply unhappy. We had one of those patented couple-related "long talks." It took a long time. I think we were up until 4am. I think she ate all the donut holes they had left at the nearby Kroger. In any event, she wasn't sure she wanted to be an academic. She had been complaining all during the writing of her dissertation of wanting to do something else - most often she mentioned being a veterinarian - rather than being a full-time anthropologist. I knew the only important thing was her being happy, so I let her argue with herself with only minor input, being devil's advocate for whatever position was winning at the time. It's only been a couple of months now, but it feels very blurry to me. It was a long night.
She decided not to take the job & to return to school to become a veterinarian. Luckily I had not quit my job or else I might have ended up in North Carolina on the bum circuit. She'll need to take two years of catch up classes before she gets to vet school, so I suppose she can reconsider at that time. But frankly I think she'll do it. The chick likes being in school.
I have kept doing Self Help Radio as a podcast (in case you haven't noticed) but it probably won't return to the air for some time. Worry not, though! There are other surprises in store! The Self Help Radio family of broadcasters & alcoholics is ever-growing & you can watch the weirdo progress at regular intervals at selfhelpradio.net!
& as for me, yeah, I'm still in Austin. Sorry to disappoint that guy on the corner of 51st & Cameron who thinks I stole his spot. Dude, I was just crossing the street to urinate into the Home Depot concrete! I always carry a sign that says, "US VETRAN GOD BLES!" It reminds me of dear old dad. Or dear old mom. Or someone dear & old.
That's why I am still here. Why are YOU still here?
No one but you cares, but I'll write about it here anyway. You'll recall that my lovely squeeze, Magda, had made plans to get her PhD this summer (she got it, a doctorate in whiskerology) (note, I started dating her because I thought she said "whiskeyology") (I'm an idiot) & had found a post-doc at Duke University, which is in North Carolina. I did lots of stuff in preparation for this - I drank more, I left my show & the radio station which kindly aired it, I began to make preparations for leaving my job, & I also drank more. A major freaky thing I was doing was mentally preparing myself to leave this place I've lived more than half of my life. I was riding the bus & going like (in my head, not to the drunk next to me) "This is the last time I'll ride the number 343 home from the comic convention!" Stuff like that. I wanted to be as supportive to Magda as possible, & I was definitely excited about going somewhere else.
The way things went, though, was somewhat different. We travelled to Durham in June, & toured the Duke campus, & visited the free-roaming lemurs in the Duke Forest, & had a swell time in that city built smack dab in a forest. But on the second day, Magda was deeply unhappy. We had one of those patented couple-related "long talks." It took a long time. I think we were up until 4am. I think she ate all the donut holes they had left at the nearby Kroger. In any event, she wasn't sure she wanted to be an academic. She had been complaining all during the writing of her dissertation of wanting to do something else - most often she mentioned being a veterinarian - rather than being a full-time anthropologist. I knew the only important thing was her being happy, so I let her argue with herself with only minor input, being devil's advocate for whatever position was winning at the time. It's only been a couple of months now, but it feels very blurry to me. It was a long night.
She decided not to take the job & to return to school to become a veterinarian. Luckily I had not quit my job or else I might have ended up in North Carolina on the bum circuit. She'll need to take two years of catch up classes before she gets to vet school, so I suppose she can reconsider at that time. But frankly I think she'll do it. The chick likes being in school.
I have kept doing Self Help Radio as a podcast (in case you haven't noticed) but it probably won't return to the air for some time. Worry not, though! There are other surprises in store! The Self Help Radio family of broadcasters & alcoholics is ever-growing & you can watch the weirdo progress at regular intervals at selfhelpradio.net!
& as for me, yeah, I'm still in Austin. Sorry to disappoint that guy on the corner of 51st & Cameron who thinks I stole his spot. Dude, I was just crossing the street to urinate into the Home Depot concrete! I always carry a sign that says, "US VETRAN GOD BLES!" It reminds me of dear old dad. Or dear old mom. Or someone dear & old.
That's why I am still here. Why are YOU still here?
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Whither Blossom & Bloom?
Tee hee, the title of this post could be "Wither, Blossom & Bloom." I should change it. I won't change it.
Well, Tropical Petulance Edouard (now known as Tropical Fart Reoutard) didn't hardly bring any rain to Austin so I was excited about nothing. But it did make the place more humid than a heavy breathing factory (you know, a factory whose product is heavy breathing... no? isn't funny? all right) & it encouraged me to press on with what is truly a bizarre subject for the middle of a nastily hot summer: blossoms & blooms!
Y'know, folks who want to complain about Self Help Radio (which always seems like more than have listened to it) (although, of course, the number of both is tiny) (though your presence here makes it all worthwhile, wink wink!) seem to mostly have a problem with the fact that only sometimes do I do explore timely themes. In other words, since the show this week is on the 9th of August, why don't I do a show about telegraphs, since on that date in 1892, Thomas Edison got a patent for one? Or how about a celebration of Kurtis Blow (it's his birthday) & old skool hip hop? Or maybe just a show about nines, since it's the ninth? It doesn't have to be nonsensical. Like "blossoms & blooms" in the middle of summer, months after the last blossom has bloomed, & the last bloom has blossomed!
I appreciate this criticism. It would be fun indeed to have that sort of show, where people could check in on particular days & be all like, "Yay! This is the anniversary of when some rock star died in his own vomit, so Self Help Radio's all about regurgitation!" But, alas, my mind doesn't work that way. It latches on to ideas & thoughts & develops them whether I am incredibly drunk or not. Eventually they suggest something to me. I've worked to have certain "regular" shows, but the shows that generally give me the greatest joy are the shows have a timelessness about them - they're shows about something, & that something doesn't require that you be fixed firmly in some spot in time to appreciate them. At least I hope so. It could be I'm just spinning my wheels.
Something blossomed in my brain a few weeks back about blossoms & blooms. I said, "Bloomin' hell!" (in a fakey English voice) "I've got to do me a show about that!" Then I fell on my face &, as I began to choke a little on my own vomit, I thought, as I passed out, "Also, regurgitation might be a good theme for a show..."
(Separate note: big ups to Austin EMS crew Alpha Tango Bravo. Thanks for not removing my tongue when I refused to stop swallowing it!)
Well, Tropical Petulance Edouard (now known as Tropical Fart Reoutard) didn't hardly bring any rain to Austin so I was excited about nothing. But it did make the place more humid than a heavy breathing factory (you know, a factory whose product is heavy breathing... no? isn't funny? all right) & it encouraged me to press on with what is truly a bizarre subject for the middle of a nastily hot summer: blossoms & blooms!
Y'know, folks who want to complain about Self Help Radio (which always seems like more than have listened to it) (although, of course, the number of both is tiny) (though your presence here makes it all worthwhile, wink wink!) seem to mostly have a problem with the fact that only sometimes do I do explore timely themes. In other words, since the show this week is on the 9th of August, why don't I do a show about telegraphs, since on that date in 1892, Thomas Edison got a patent for one? Or how about a celebration of Kurtis Blow (it's his birthday) & old skool hip hop? Or maybe just a show about nines, since it's the ninth? It doesn't have to be nonsensical. Like "blossoms & blooms" in the middle of summer, months after the last blossom has bloomed, & the last bloom has blossomed!
I appreciate this criticism. It would be fun indeed to have that sort of show, where people could check in on particular days & be all like, "Yay! This is the anniversary of when some rock star died in his own vomit, so Self Help Radio's all about regurgitation!" But, alas, my mind doesn't work that way. It latches on to ideas & thoughts & develops them whether I am incredibly drunk or not. Eventually they suggest something to me. I've worked to have certain "regular" shows, but the shows that generally give me the greatest joy are the shows have a timelessness about them - they're shows about something, & that something doesn't require that you be fixed firmly in some spot in time to appreciate them. At least I hope so. It could be I'm just spinning my wheels.
Something blossomed in my brain a few weeks back about blossoms & blooms. I said, "Bloomin' hell!" (in a fakey English voice) "I've got to do me a show about that!" Then I fell on my face &, as I began to choke a little on my own vomit, I thought, as I passed out, "Also, regurgitation might be a good theme for a show..."
(Separate note: big ups to Austin EMS crew Alpha Tango Bravo. Thanks for not removing my tongue when I refused to stop swallowing it!)
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Preface To Blossoms & Blooms: Let's Talk About The Weather
What is the nooz telling us about Austin's weather?
Monday the 4th of August was the 42nd day of triple-digit heat so far in this Austin summer, with readings of 100-105 degrees all over, from the Hill County to counties east of I-35. Self Help Radio's own Self Help Gary has reported that it's well over one hundred degrees in his pants, with possibly higher temperatures in his car, where neglected bottles of soda have been known to bend, fold & weep.
Monday's high matched the number of over 100 degree days Austin experienced in 2000, but was like a crying little girl compared to 1925 with 69 plus-100 days & 1923 with 66 (in the days before air conditioning!). But of course Austinites weren't coddled whiney-butts then. They weren't afraid of a little goddamn sweat. For 69 days. Also, they died of cholera & influenza all the time. When they weren't lynching people a little darker in skin tone than them.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. The National Weather Service, that august bureaucratic body, notes that Austin averages eleven triple-digit days a year, but everyone has already forgotten that it rained all last summer so that totally brought the average down. It's always really hot in Austin in the summer. That's all.
As I came out to go to work today, I noticed it wasn't as hot. Why is that? Motherfucking tropical storm Edouard, that's why! We're going to get some rain! Hot damn! Just remember, gentle reader: "Turn around, don't drown." & peep these awesome flood facts:
BANG! Six inches of water will reach the bottom of most passenger cars, causing loss of control & possible stalling.
CRASH! Twelve inches of water will float many cars. So size does matter.
SPLASH! Two feet of rushing water will carry off pick up trucks, SUVs & many other vehicles. & surely it will serve them right! Gas-guzzlers!
SWOOSH! Cars can become death traps because electric windows & door locks can short out when water reaches them, trapping occupants inside. Of course, if they're death traps, they'll also trap death inside. Which is bad news for the occupants.
CLANG! More Texans die in floods than any other severe weather event. When we have weather, it freaks us out.
& finally:
KA-BOOM! Most flooding deaths can be avoided if drivers turn around instead of driving into water across a road.
I am about to encourage that people who want to go out in the rain to follow instead my own advice, which is, when the weather's bad, dance! That's right: "Get down, don't drown!" Because we're all in the fourth grade in we can't remember anything unless it rhymes.
Wash us all away Edouard! It's too frickin' hot here! & it's been too long since I've seen any blossoms & blooms!
Monday the 4th of August was the 42nd day of triple-digit heat so far in this Austin summer, with readings of 100-105 degrees all over, from the Hill County to counties east of I-35. Self Help Radio's own Self Help Gary has reported that it's well over one hundred degrees in his pants, with possibly higher temperatures in his car, where neglected bottles of soda have been known to bend, fold & weep.
Monday's high matched the number of over 100 degree days Austin experienced in 2000, but was like a crying little girl compared to 1925 with 69 plus-100 days & 1923 with 66 (in the days before air conditioning!). But of course Austinites weren't coddled whiney-butts then. They weren't afraid of a little goddamn sweat. For 69 days. Also, they died of cholera & influenza all the time. When they weren't lynching people a little darker in skin tone than them.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. The National Weather Service, that august bureaucratic body, notes that Austin averages eleven triple-digit days a year, but everyone has already forgotten that it rained all last summer so that totally brought the average down. It's always really hot in Austin in the summer. That's all.
As I came out to go to work today, I noticed it wasn't as hot. Why is that? Motherfucking tropical storm Edouard, that's why! We're going to get some rain! Hot damn! Just remember, gentle reader: "Turn around, don't drown." & peep these awesome flood facts:
BANG! Six inches of water will reach the bottom of most passenger cars, causing loss of control & possible stalling.
CRASH! Twelve inches of water will float many cars. So size does matter.
SPLASH! Two feet of rushing water will carry off pick up trucks, SUVs & many other vehicles. & surely it will serve them right! Gas-guzzlers!
SWOOSH! Cars can become death traps because electric windows & door locks can short out when water reaches them, trapping occupants inside. Of course, if they're death traps, they'll also trap death inside. Which is bad news for the occupants.
CLANG! More Texans die in floods than any other severe weather event. When we have weather, it freaks us out.
& finally:
KA-BOOM! Most flooding deaths can be avoided if drivers turn around instead of driving into water across a road.
I am about to encourage that people who want to go out in the rain to follow instead my own advice, which is, when the weather's bad, dance! That's right: "Get down, don't drown!" Because we're all in the fourth grade in we can't remember anything unless it rhymes.
Wash us all away Edouard! It's too frickin' hot here! & it's been too long since I've seen any blossoms & blooms!
Monday, August 04, 2008
Quest Stars!
After a week of avoiding stuff, I am happy to get back on track & simply ignore stuff. What? You don't know whatof I speak? For shame! Fie & kerfuffle! You are now instructed to visit selfhelpradio.net to listen to last week's show. It is all about avoidance, & since you are no longer allowed to avoid it, you must therefore do whatever the opposite of avoid is. Yes! You must confront it! You must seek it out! You must face up to it!
As I said, though, since the themes that make up Self Help Radio make up also my made-up life, I tend to live them up until the moment I do my show. Then I must turn around & begin again. So last week I avoided everything. This week I am blossoming. Next week I will sit in a chair. But just because I live my shows in the way that so many of you choose not to doesn't mean I miss them or have great regret & rue once they're done. Indeed! I am glad to be done with avoidance. It seemed like such a waste of time.
Now, I live in a tightly prescribed circle of work commitments & looming mental ward incarceration, so I am generally free of the sort of annoyances that cause unhappiness for you who interact with more than half a dozen folks a day. So I didn't have as much to avoid. Since I work in a bureaucracy, work avoidance is part of the daily schedule. Since my relationship is stable (mainly because the girlfriend is busy not avoiding stuff), I don't have to avoid difficult talks about "the future." I avoided mentioning all this last week, but can't now. The truth must blossom & bloom!
Go now, & listen to the Self Help Radio show from last week! It will help you avoid whatever you want to avoid!
As I said, though, since the themes that make up Self Help Radio make up also my made-up life, I tend to live them up until the moment I do my show. Then I must turn around & begin again. So last week I avoided everything. This week I am blossoming. Next week I will sit in a chair. But just because I live my shows in the way that so many of you choose not to doesn't mean I miss them or have great regret & rue once they're done. Indeed! I am glad to be done with avoidance. It seemed like such a waste of time.
Now, I live in a tightly prescribed circle of work commitments & looming mental ward incarceration, so I am generally free of the sort of annoyances that cause unhappiness for you who interact with more than half a dozen folks a day. So I didn't have as much to avoid. Since I work in a bureaucracy, work avoidance is part of the daily schedule. Since my relationship is stable (mainly because the girlfriend is busy not avoiding stuff), I don't have to avoid difficult talks about "the future." I avoided mentioning all this last week, but can't now. The truth must blossom & bloom!
Go now, & listen to the Self Help Radio show from last week! It will help you avoid whatever you want to avoid!
Friday, August 01, 2008
No Mourn I Thee!
I love reading reviews, & I especially love reading reviews that disagree with my opinion. I think they round out my views, because often someone hates a part of a movie, a book, an album, that I totally didn't notice or didn't really care about. In some cases, really good criticism causes you to think about your own criticism, in the same way that open-minded religious folk will compare & contrast different belief systems when confronted with someone else's faith.
& I am not averse to labels - sometimes they're the best way to get you in the door of the small room of understanding. So I'll describe music as "indie pop" or "post-punk" & it's fine as far as it is - although you can sometimes get into trouble with folks who hate that. Describing Pere Ubu as post-punk, for example, might make someone who knows the timeline correctly note that, actually, Pere Ubu began before punk. But in that case, it's not necessarily a chronological description, it's about a sound... But never mind.
Yet I am just as liable as everyone else to be put off by specific labels - labels which are like warning signs about thoughts or ideas I don't agree with. A book I was really interested in reading, which apparently has been getting decent reviews, was described in a negative review as being funded by a "neoconservative think tank." It turns out this is true, the author got a grant from a neocon group. I immediately began to lose interest. Then I started to think about what this made me think about the author - did I believe this person was so weak-willed & greedy that he'd produce whatever the right-wing group wanted him to produce? Did I imagine it always happens this way, money trumping free thought?
I certainly believe every human being has his or her price, & that it's always embarrassingly low. But my point in bringing up criticism is this: if I can read different opinions & not be swayed away from my own, why couldn't I read something from someone who had no affiliation with a deluded money pit but who took the cash offered him? Even if he were corruptible, I'd at least have some information to consider. (& this person is a scholar, not a right-wing blowhard who's better known for being on television or on the corporate dole.)
It may be because he is in fact a scholar with some well-received books under his belt. I personally can't stand what can best be described as the Jerry Springer school of heated debate - it's just too sad to hear someone talk about what they think about the government or god or society without really having any information to back up their idiotic assertions.
I experienced a great bad example of this on the recent 30 Days episode about same sex parenting. A retardedly religious woman opposed the gayness of the two obviously good parent gay men, & neither side bothered to ask her just why homosexuality offended her so. They took it as read that her religion opposed man-on-man action (& though she was a Mormon, she could easily point to the Bible's anti-gay stance) & she just said she opposed it. It was a waste of a very long hour.
A simple chat with anyone who's actually studied the Bible would've made her look like a fool for blindly parroting homophobe talking points. & the same goes for the gay men - their "live & let live" attitude is relativistic quicksand. A slight change of the wind in our nation & their kids are taken away & they're locked up in camps to "cure" their gayness. They may be buoyed by gay liberation's astonishing successes in the last decade, but they haven't really paid attention to how tenuous freedom is. You think they'd know better.
Ah well. What's that? You think I am writing all this to avoid making my show for tomorrow, which is about avoidance? Nonsense! You're only saying that because you don't agree with me. Say! Who funds you?
& I am not averse to labels - sometimes they're the best way to get you in the door of the small room of understanding. So I'll describe music as "indie pop" or "post-punk" & it's fine as far as it is - although you can sometimes get into trouble with folks who hate that. Describing Pere Ubu as post-punk, for example, might make someone who knows the timeline correctly note that, actually, Pere Ubu began before punk. But in that case, it's not necessarily a chronological description, it's about a sound... But never mind.
Yet I am just as liable as everyone else to be put off by specific labels - labels which are like warning signs about thoughts or ideas I don't agree with. A book I was really interested in reading, which apparently has been getting decent reviews, was described in a negative review as being funded by a "neoconservative think tank." It turns out this is true, the author got a grant from a neocon group. I immediately began to lose interest. Then I started to think about what this made me think about the author - did I believe this person was so weak-willed & greedy that he'd produce whatever the right-wing group wanted him to produce? Did I imagine it always happens this way, money trumping free thought?
I certainly believe every human being has his or her price, & that it's always embarrassingly low. But my point in bringing up criticism is this: if I can read different opinions & not be swayed away from my own, why couldn't I read something from someone who had no affiliation with a deluded money pit but who took the cash offered him? Even if he were corruptible, I'd at least have some information to consider. (& this person is a scholar, not a right-wing blowhard who's better known for being on television or on the corporate dole.)
It may be because he is in fact a scholar with some well-received books under his belt. I personally can't stand what can best be described as the Jerry Springer school of heated debate - it's just too sad to hear someone talk about what they think about the government or god or society without really having any information to back up their idiotic assertions.
I experienced a great bad example of this on the recent 30 Days episode about same sex parenting. A retardedly religious woman opposed the gayness of the two obviously good parent gay men, & neither side bothered to ask her just why homosexuality offended her so. They took it as read that her religion opposed man-on-man action (& though she was a Mormon, she could easily point to the Bible's anti-gay stance) & she just said she opposed it. It was a waste of a very long hour.
A simple chat with anyone who's actually studied the Bible would've made her look like a fool for blindly parroting homophobe talking points. & the same goes for the gay men - their "live & let live" attitude is relativistic quicksand. A slight change of the wind in our nation & their kids are taken away & they're locked up in camps to "cure" their gayness. They may be buoyed by gay liberation's astonishing successes in the last decade, but they haven't really paid attention to how tenuous freedom is. You think they'd know better.
Ah well. What's that? You think I am writing all this to avoid making my show for tomorrow, which is about avoidance? Nonsense! You're only saying that because you don't agree with me. Say! Who funds you?
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Link Cookies, a pram
Say! This is a Thursday. Do you have anything Thursdayish to tell me? All you ever do is stare at those schematics. It gives you a vaguely vacant look, like a supermodel or a heroin addict taking a driving test. What he gave you wasn't so much criticism as a meager expression of disappointment - & could you blame him? Every time someone tries to get through your defenses, you circle your wagons. "I'm a rough draft," you say. As if that means anything outside of the newspaper trade!
We were reminiscing about growth & hitch-hiking when, out of the blue, you-know-who started asking for volunteers. I was eating a banana at my steel guitar lesson & no one seemed to be thinking of me. That's when I thought of you - all the time & energy put into the wrong receptacle. Like someone using Google to spell-check. I confess I never learned barre chords for this very reason.
I expect you're wondering why I dally, why I make conversation like this if there are hard feelings. Time to time I do think there aren't so much hard feelings as flaccid feelings. Feelings that can't get hard unless there's chemical help. You should encourage these feelings to stiffen up. It might make you feel a little more Thursdayish. Or able to conceive Thursday thoughts. It would be worth your time.
Some sample Thursday thoughts:
- Christ in a bucket called fish, will this day ever end?
- Of all the Thursdays in the world, why did this Thursday have to be the last day I am allowed to work here?
- This morning... This morning is not good enough.
- Did the Vikings leave more than their teeth marks on the coast of Scotland? Why or why not?
- It's only a fire on the porch. Go back to bed.
- Did you leave the OH MY GOD HAVE A LOOK AT THIS DISTURBING SLOW MOVING POLICE CAR!
I look forward to next Thursday. Although not for the same reasons you think I do. Do I?
We were reminiscing about growth & hitch-hiking when, out of the blue, you-know-who started asking for volunteers. I was eating a banana at my steel guitar lesson & no one seemed to be thinking of me. That's when I thought of you - all the time & energy put into the wrong receptacle. Like someone using Google to spell-check. I confess I never learned barre chords for this very reason.
I expect you're wondering why I dally, why I make conversation like this if there are hard feelings. Time to time I do think there aren't so much hard feelings as flaccid feelings. Feelings that can't get hard unless there's chemical help. You should encourage these feelings to stiffen up. It might make you feel a little more Thursdayish. Or able to conceive Thursday thoughts. It would be worth your time.
Some sample Thursday thoughts:
- Christ in a bucket called fish, will this day ever end?
- Of all the Thursdays in the world, why did this Thursday have to be the last day I am allowed to work here?
- This morning... This morning is not good enough.
- Did the Vikings leave more than their teeth marks on the coast of Scotland? Why or why not?
- It's only a fire on the porch. Go back to bed.
- Did you leave the OH MY GOD HAVE A LOOK AT THIS DISTURBING SLOW MOVING POLICE CAR!
I look forward to next Thursday. Although not for the same reasons you think I do. Do I?
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Whither Avoidance?
Was Bartleby a shirker? An essay by Tommy Titmouse, age five.
In re-reading Melville's seminal short story, "Bartleby the Scrivener," with my little brother Timmy, I am bemused at the total inability of the titular character to understand even the minutest basics of the capitalist system. Indeed Timmy, who has only begun reading Marx's Capital, grasped the inherent dynamic between personal freedom versus market forces. Bartleby, by proclaiming with terse vapidity his opposition to any ideas of his own, comes across as a layabout, a wastrel, a slacker, & a shirker.
Can we, in these days of nation-transcendent corporate interests & transformative free trade, afford to allow the labor force to so blithely renege on what is assuredly a social contract? More information would be required, of course, & it would be helpful if perhaps Melville had provided ancillary documents, like Bartleby's resume, & perhaps commentary from previous employers. Yet if we are to believe in the maturation of the employed through incentives that only the market can provide, we must empathize with his supervisor's boundless optimism in utilizing someone who surely came with more caveats than praise. When business fails, it can rarely be said to be from the sanguinity of the owners of the means of production!
How to prevent such unhappy outcomes in the labor force? Surely a system of rewards coupled with healthy slogans, perhaps from the works of Adam Smith, would suffice for the average earner. But Bartleby was worse than a Luddite; a wooden shoe thrown into a cogwheel would be more fundamentally fixable than a stubborn dolt refusing to do his work! & unemployment is frankly too generous for the likes of Bartleby; when a hireling causes profit loss through non-cooperation, the punishment ought to be more severe.
Perhaps a critic of my polemic might say, "Didn't Bartleby suffer as you would have him do? Did he not die?" Ah, but he did so first by breaking the law (a right surely reserved only by the most international of consortiums) & then requiring a social network (ie, the police & the criminal justice system) to shelter him as he destroyed himself! As the late Charlton Heston might have said, a firing squad (in an event publicized & attended by his fellow scriveners) would have been quicker, cheaper, &, I daresay, more just.
Indeed, Bartleby was a shirker, & his sorry tale should be as a parable for all who wish the wheels of industry to run smooth & true. I rest my case.
Adds little Timmy Titmore, age three & a half: But Bartleby was cool!
Damn it Timmy!
In re-reading Melville's seminal short story, "Bartleby the Scrivener," with my little brother Timmy, I am bemused at the total inability of the titular character to understand even the minutest basics of the capitalist system. Indeed Timmy, who has only begun reading Marx's Capital, grasped the inherent dynamic between personal freedom versus market forces. Bartleby, by proclaiming with terse vapidity his opposition to any ideas of his own, comes across as a layabout, a wastrel, a slacker, & a shirker.
Can we, in these days of nation-transcendent corporate interests & transformative free trade, afford to allow the labor force to so blithely renege on what is assuredly a social contract? More information would be required, of course, & it would be helpful if perhaps Melville had provided ancillary documents, like Bartleby's resume, & perhaps commentary from previous employers. Yet if we are to believe in the maturation of the employed through incentives that only the market can provide, we must empathize with his supervisor's boundless optimism in utilizing someone who surely came with more caveats than praise. When business fails, it can rarely be said to be from the sanguinity of the owners of the means of production!
How to prevent such unhappy outcomes in the labor force? Surely a system of rewards coupled with healthy slogans, perhaps from the works of Adam Smith, would suffice for the average earner. But Bartleby was worse than a Luddite; a wooden shoe thrown into a cogwheel would be more fundamentally fixable than a stubborn dolt refusing to do his work! & unemployment is frankly too generous for the likes of Bartleby; when a hireling causes profit loss through non-cooperation, the punishment ought to be more severe.
Perhaps a critic of my polemic might say, "Didn't Bartleby suffer as you would have him do? Did he not die?" Ah, but he did so first by breaking the law (a right surely reserved only by the most international of consortiums) & then requiring a social network (ie, the police & the criminal justice system) to shelter him as he destroyed himself! As the late Charlton Heston might have said, a firing squad (in an event publicized & attended by his fellow scriveners) would have been quicker, cheaper, &, I daresay, more just.
Indeed, Bartleby was a shirker, & his sorry tale should be as a parable for all who wish the wheels of industry to run smooth & true. I rest my case.
Adds little Timmy Titmore, age three & a half: But Bartleby was cool!
Damn it Timmy!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Preface To The Avoidance Show: How Can I Get Out Of Writing In My Blog Today?
A note from Gary's mother:
To those nice people who read the increasingly ridiculous Self Help Radio blog:
Although he no longer lives at home, my son Gary is not well today. He woke up with a bad taste in his mouth & a bad outlook on life. He refused to eat his sauerkraut & sausages for breakfast & looked a little green under his gills. Even though it's been at least two decades since he's had to attend high school, he missed his bus & refused to hitchhike as I always tell him to do. Instead, he went back to his room & crawled under his covers, curled into a fetal position, & refused to tell me he loved me like he should if he really loved his mother.
Therefore he's not able to write in his blog today. He's not getting any dinner either.
Yours,
Gary's Mother
(It'll be harder to avoid writing in this tomorrow...)
To those nice people who read the increasingly ridiculous Self Help Radio blog:
Although he no longer lives at home, my son Gary is not well today. He woke up with a bad taste in his mouth & a bad outlook on life. He refused to eat his sauerkraut & sausages for breakfast & looked a little green under his gills. Even though it's been at least two decades since he's had to attend high school, he missed his bus & refused to hitchhike as I always tell him to do. Instead, he went back to his room & crawled under his covers, curled into a fetal position, & refused to tell me he loved me like he should if he really loved his mother.
Therefore he's not able to write in his blog today. He's not getting any dinner either.
Yours,
Gary's Mother
(It'll be harder to avoid writing in this tomorrow...)
Monday, July 28, 2008
That's Not My Cat!
For the sake of enjoyment, just refer to Friday's Self Help Radio Blog entry (which is below this one), & replace every reference from a "hat" to a "cat." Hilarity will most certainly ensue.
Here's an example rib-ticking entry:
I described my cat & even included a photograph in the ad in which I mentioned I had lost my hat. This looks nothing like the photograph. Granted, the photograph was in black & white, on newsprint, but, even so, here - look! - this is the picture of the cat, that is the helmet-like headgear object you are attempting to return to me
Do you see? A cat is nothing like a hat, which creates absurd incongruities which can only make one laugh!
Please note, while this works with most things that rhyme with hat (cat, rat, mat, gnat, vat, bat, DAT player), it generally doesn't work with things that rhyme with cat which are not nouns (like fat, unless you mean the animal products some gross people cook with) or even past tenses of verbs (like spat, unless you mean the thing that horse riders put on their boots). The absurdity is diminished by the incongruity. It is funnier to think of someone mistaking one thing for another thing instead of someone mistaking one thing for a quality. No one has that kind of sense of humor.
Well, you've certainly taken all the fun out of this exercise. If I were you, I'd just forget all about this & mosey over to selfhelpradio.net & listen to this past week's show, which is about whales. No more of this hat-cat-chat-drat stuff. You obviously don't have as refined a sense of humor as I had heretofore believed. Hrrummph!
Here's an example rib-ticking entry:
I described my cat & even included a photograph in the ad in which I mentioned I had lost my hat. This looks nothing like the photograph. Granted, the photograph was in black & white, on newsprint, but, even so, here - look! - this is the picture of the cat, that is the helmet-like headgear object you are attempting to return to me
Do you see? A cat is nothing like a hat, which creates absurd incongruities which can only make one laugh!
Please note, while this works with most things that rhyme with hat (cat, rat, mat, gnat, vat, bat, DAT player), it generally doesn't work with things that rhyme with cat which are not nouns (like fat, unless you mean the animal products some gross people cook with) or even past tenses of verbs (like spat, unless you mean the thing that horse riders put on their boots). The absurdity is diminished by the incongruity. It is funnier to think of someone mistaking one thing for another thing instead of someone mistaking one thing for a quality. No one has that kind of sense of humor.
Well, you've certainly taken all the fun out of this exercise. If I were you, I'd just forget all about this & mosey over to selfhelpradio.net & listen to this past week's show, which is about whales. No more of this hat-cat-chat-drat stuff. You obviously don't have as refined a sense of humor as I had heretofore believed. Hrrummph!
Friday, July 25, 2008
That's Not My Hat!
Sir, I must object. This hat you claim to be returning to me - it's not my hat!
First of all, my hat has no ornamentation of any kind. It's just an average trilby. It doesn't have flashing lights or whirling colors or beeping noises like this hat here. It has not electronical components nor does it run on solar power, as I am assuming this hat does, with those panels on the sides. It does not have a video screen on its elongated visor, as it has no elongated visor. This, sir, is not my hat.
Second of all, & I do not mean any disrespect when I point this out, but this really shouldn't be categorized as a hat. It's more helmet-like. Not many hats cover almost the entire head, & have a chin-strap beside. Nor do have as many accesories as this device you have hear. Nor are most hats made out of polymers - usually they're cloth, or cloth & plastic. What you have there, people call those helmets. Not hats.
Third of all, I described my hat & even included a photograph in the ad in which I mentioned I had lost my hat. This looks nothing like the photograph. Granted, the photograph was in black & white, on newsprint, but, even so, here - look! - this is the picture of the hat, that is the helmet-like headgear object you are attempting to return to me. Do you see, sir, as I hold them side-by-side, that they don't really look like one another? They are in fact very different - they have virtually no commonalities.
Fourth of all, I do appreciate that you apparently came all the way from the wilds of Bastrop to return this hat to me - although how it could have gotten there I don't know, as I lost it at a restaurant in Clarksville - I confess I don't know why you imagined there would be a reward for the return of a hat. I didn't say I would give a reward, & if I did, it wouldn't be ten thousand dollars. That's all seventeen kinds of ridiculous!
& finally, sir. In spite of all you've done, even if it was for material gain, it truly was a kind gesture to try to return a stranger's hat, & although I feel I've gone out of my way to avoid making you angry, it certainly was uncalled for for you to urinate on my lawn. On my lawn chairs. On my pet puppy Wiggles. On my pet rocks. You are a bounder sir! A bounder & a cad! Which are rare traits in a good (or shall I say mediocre) samaritan.
Ah! Now that that's taken care of, I must sit, daydream about my hat, & wait till tomorrow for this week's exciting Self Help Radio episode. I hope it'll be about hats!
Ah! It's about whales! What fun! Whales love hats!
First of all, my hat has no ornamentation of any kind. It's just an average trilby. It doesn't have flashing lights or whirling colors or beeping noises like this hat here. It has not electronical components nor does it run on solar power, as I am assuming this hat does, with those panels on the sides. It does not have a video screen on its elongated visor, as it has no elongated visor. This, sir, is not my hat.
Second of all, & I do not mean any disrespect when I point this out, but this really shouldn't be categorized as a hat. It's more helmet-like. Not many hats cover almost the entire head, & have a chin-strap beside. Nor do have as many accesories as this device you have hear. Nor are most hats made out of polymers - usually they're cloth, or cloth & plastic. What you have there, people call those helmets. Not hats.
Third of all, I described my hat & even included a photograph in the ad in which I mentioned I had lost my hat. This looks nothing like the photograph. Granted, the photograph was in black & white, on newsprint, but, even so, here - look! - this is the picture of the hat, that is the helmet-like headgear object you are attempting to return to me. Do you see, sir, as I hold them side-by-side, that they don't really look like one another? They are in fact very different - they have virtually no commonalities.
Fourth of all, I do appreciate that you apparently came all the way from the wilds of Bastrop to return this hat to me - although how it could have gotten there I don't know, as I lost it at a restaurant in Clarksville - I confess I don't know why you imagined there would be a reward for the return of a hat. I didn't say I would give a reward, & if I did, it wouldn't be ten thousand dollars. That's all seventeen kinds of ridiculous!
& finally, sir. In spite of all you've done, even if it was for material gain, it truly was a kind gesture to try to return a stranger's hat, & although I feel I've gone out of my way to avoid making you angry, it certainly was uncalled for for you to urinate on my lawn. On my lawn chairs. On my pet puppy Wiggles. On my pet rocks. You are a bounder sir! A bounder & a cad! Which are rare traits in a good (or shall I say mediocre) samaritan.
Ah! Now that that's taken care of, I must sit, daydream about my hat, & wait till tomorrow for this week's exciting Self Help Radio episode. I hope it'll be about hats!
Ah! It's about whales! What fun! Whales love hats!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Christian Bailed
Bad pun! Went to see "The Dark Knight" at the "IMax" so couldn't write in the "Blog."
Forgive me. There'll be more nonsense tomorrow. You have my pants on it. & what is a man without his pants?
Erp.
Forgive me. There'll be more nonsense tomorrow. You have my pants on it. & what is a man without his pants?
Erp.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Whither Whales?
Yes, you don't have to ask, I've never seen a whale in real life. Maybe from an airplane - I have vague memories of seeing a school of whales in the Atlantic when I was a boy on my way to Germany the first time - who knows if that really happened - but I've never even been to Sea World or some other water park. Or have I?
There's a truism in the history of life on this planet that human beings, once they came around in sufficient numbers, killed off, over time, the largest mammals. There used to be mammoths & saber-toothed tigers, of course, but also giant sloths & horses & mice for all the hell I know. Once dinosaurs were abducted by the evil space felchers from the Andromeda galaxy, mammals were all like, "This is our world now. Talk to the paw." & they got as big as they could get. & from the looks of it (ie, the fossil record) they did it quickly.
But it took us humans nearly no time (geologically speaking) to dispatch them. The last great giant mammals left are elephants, rhinos, hippos, & of course the whales. (I don't count morbidly obese Americans.) & yeah, we're killing pretty much all those off. There's no reason to point blame: we're all involved. We're blubber fuckers & we know it.
The scariest thing I've heard is that, because of all the damn boats (tankers, liners, submarines, battleships, etc) we have in the water, it's too noisy for the whales to communicate over long distances any more. Apparently, before the advent of the steam engine, a whale could start a chat in the South Pacific that could be heard in the North Atlantic. & it didn't use up arbitrary "minutes." But that's all done.
I'm totally bumming myself out. But wait, there's more! Did you know there was "an enormous island of trash twice the size of Texas... floating in the Pacific Ocean somewhere between San Francisco & Hawaii" ? It's true!. I mean, really. What must the whales think of us? Besides being scared shitless, I mean?
The whales will be fine once we run out of oil & kill ourselves off. I just hope it happens to us before it happens to them.
There's a truism in the history of life on this planet that human beings, once they came around in sufficient numbers, killed off, over time, the largest mammals. There used to be mammoths & saber-toothed tigers, of course, but also giant sloths & horses & mice for all the hell I know. Once dinosaurs were abducted by the evil space felchers from the Andromeda galaxy, mammals were all like, "This is our world now. Talk to the paw." & they got as big as they could get. & from the looks of it (ie, the fossil record) they did it quickly.
But it took us humans nearly no time (geologically speaking) to dispatch them. The last great giant mammals left are elephants, rhinos, hippos, & of course the whales. (I don't count morbidly obese Americans.) & yeah, we're killing pretty much all those off. There's no reason to point blame: we're all involved. We're blubber fuckers & we know it.
The scariest thing I've heard is that, because of all the damn boats (tankers, liners, submarines, battleships, etc) we have in the water, it's too noisy for the whales to communicate over long distances any more. Apparently, before the advent of the steam engine, a whale could start a chat in the South Pacific that could be heard in the North Atlantic. & it didn't use up arbitrary "minutes." But that's all done.
I'm totally bumming myself out. But wait, there's more! Did you know there was "an enormous island of trash twice the size of Texas... floating in the Pacific Ocean somewhere between San Francisco & Hawaii" ? It's true!. I mean, really. What must the whales think of us? Besides being scared shitless, I mean?
The whales will be fine once we run out of oil & kill ourselves off. I just hope it happens to us before it happens to them.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Preface To Whales: 'Whale' As A Verb
We all know that "whaling" is the hunting of whales, much in the same way that monkeying around is the hunting of round monkeys. But why then does the verb "to whale" include this definition (from the Oxford English La-di-da):
1. trans. To beat, flog, thrash.
Examples:1801 G. HANGER Life II. 162 Whaleing a gentleman is but a vulgar revenge. 1884 ‘MARK TWAIN’ Huck. Finn iii, He used to always whale me when he was sober and could get his hands on me.
In recent times we seem to have added the preposition "on," I guess to clarify, especially when referring to heavy metal guitar solos - "he was really whaling on that guitar, dude!"
But where did that meaning come from? Were there perverted seamen (that sounds perverted!) who would thrash the whale once its giant carcass was pulled onto the ship? Were they whale-fuckers? Does blubber feel really good when... But I've gone too far again.
To return: I am not an etymologist (or even an epidemiologist) but I do enjoy trying to figure out where words come from. Some are easy, some are not. Says the OED:
Of obscure origin. Commonly regarded as a spelling of WALE v.1, but there are difficulties of form, chronology, and meaning. (I'll say!) Perhaps orig. = to thrash with a whalebone whip
Aha! The old "whalebone whip" gambit! That may have worked in Indiana Jones & The Belly Of The Whale (or it might have been Star Wars 2: Guts On Fire) but it won't work here! Whalebone whips my blowhole.
Unfortunately, there's nothing else I can find online (other than the obligatory "origin obscure") so I'll have to make something up. That's right. I'm allowed to do that. Because I have a blog. On the internet.
Here's my explanation:
Back in the day when sailors used to hit each other, & things, with great force, they needed a word for it. "Hit" was boring & "thrash" is what the captain & other officers did to them. They had yet to invent the word "thwack," & "strike" sounded too union-y. So one day, two sailors who shall remain immortally nameless were beating the crap out of each other - some might say "whaling" on each other - when a big whale, the biggest they'd ever seen, came out of the ocean & then went back in with a big ker-splat! of its tail on the water.
"Dude," said sailor one. "Did you see that whale whaling on the water with its tail?"
"Dude!" said sailor two, "you just invented a verb!"
Sailor one was all like, "I'm so Shakespeare," & sailor two started whaling on him.
They passed the word around to their rowdy crew, & soon it was commonplace among the sea dogs of the world. In time, as they came ashore, so did the lucky word. Not so lucky, though, for our inventive sailors, though. A few weeks later, when the captain found they had spotted a whale & not called out, they were hanged.
There! You have your etymology. Now go & spread it amongst the people of this world!
1. trans. To beat, flog, thrash.
Examples:1801 G. HANGER Life II. 162 Whaleing a gentleman is but a vulgar revenge. 1884 ‘MARK TWAIN’ Huck. Finn iii, He used to always whale me when he was sober and could get his hands on me.
In recent times we seem to have added the preposition "on," I guess to clarify, especially when referring to heavy metal guitar solos - "he was really whaling on that guitar, dude!"
But where did that meaning come from? Were there perverted seamen (that sounds perverted!) who would thrash the whale once its giant carcass was pulled onto the ship? Were they whale-fuckers? Does blubber feel really good when... But I've gone too far again.
To return: I am not an etymologist (or even an epidemiologist) but I do enjoy trying to figure out where words come from. Some are easy, some are not. Says the OED:
Of obscure origin. Commonly regarded as a spelling of WALE v.1, but there are difficulties of form, chronology, and meaning. (I'll say!) Perhaps orig. = to thrash with a whalebone whip
Aha! The old "whalebone whip" gambit! That may have worked in Indiana Jones & The Belly Of The Whale (or it might have been Star Wars 2: Guts On Fire) but it won't work here! Whalebone whips my blowhole.
Unfortunately, there's nothing else I can find online (other than the obligatory "origin obscure") so I'll have to make something up. That's right. I'm allowed to do that. Because I have a blog. On the internet.
Here's my explanation:
Back in the day when sailors used to hit each other, & things, with great force, they needed a word for it. "Hit" was boring & "thrash" is what the captain & other officers did to them. They had yet to invent the word "thwack," & "strike" sounded too union-y. So one day, two sailors who shall remain immortally nameless were beating the crap out of each other - some might say "whaling" on each other - when a big whale, the biggest they'd ever seen, came out of the ocean & then went back in with a big ker-splat! of its tail on the water.
"Dude," said sailor one. "Did you see that whale whaling on the water with its tail?"
"Dude!" said sailor two, "you just invented a verb!"
Sailor one was all like, "I'm so Shakespeare," & sailor two started whaling on him.
They passed the word around to their rowdy crew, & soon it was commonplace among the sea dogs of the world. In time, as they came ashore, so did the lucky word. Not so lucky, though, for our inventive sailors, though. A few weeks later, when the captain found they had spotted a whale & not called out, they were hanged.
There! You have your etymology. Now go & spread it amongst the people of this world!
Monday, July 21, 2008
Watering One's Lawn - Source Of Hope Or Regret?
It's mid July so it's time once again to check on our Drought Monitor. Oh hooray! Austin is teetering between "Extreme Drought" & "Exceptional Drought" & I spent a couple of hours watering my poor dry lawn last night. What an asshole I am! Furthermore, what a bunch of assholes live in my neighborhood! Because everyone was watering their god damned lawns last night. Didn't they know we're experiencing an Extreme Drought?
There's a lot of staring at ground & sitting on porch when one's lawn is dying or dead. The history of our lawn is a sad one. When we bought the house three years ago, we had one more tree than we currently do. Not because we chopped one down, oh no no no. The tree died. It could have died of old age (can you imagine that trees dry of old age?) or we could have not watered it enough in the Quite Awful Drought of two years ago, but however it went, it did die. & the back yard its stump still resides in is pretty much dead too. So I watered. How could I know the Drought we're having is almost Exceptional?
Here's something you never hear from people living in apartments or with their parents or in places that have no lawns: "If we install a sprinkler system, it'll increase our property value." & what will our property be worth in a world with little or no water? People will be ripping our sprinkler system out to drink the drops in the rusty pipes. Then they're break into our house to drink the water in our toilets. Property value will be for shit.
Yeah, I think about this stuff. Mainly in the day or so after I successfully finish another Self Help Radio. Did you know that this blog relates somehow to a radio show? It does! & you can hear this last week's show - it was about taxis, & not about watering the lawn - over at the Self Help Radio web site. It's easy, it's fun, & it doesn't affect the Overachieving Drought either way. Well, maybe in some ways. Don't water the lawn while you listen to it!
There's a lot of staring at ground & sitting on porch when one's lawn is dying or dead. The history of our lawn is a sad one. When we bought the house three years ago, we had one more tree than we currently do. Not because we chopped one down, oh no no no. The tree died. It could have died of old age (can you imagine that trees dry of old age?) or we could have not watered it enough in the Quite Awful Drought of two years ago, but however it went, it did die. & the back yard its stump still resides in is pretty much dead too. So I watered. How could I know the Drought we're having is almost Exceptional?
Here's something you never hear from people living in apartments or with their parents or in places that have no lawns: "If we install a sprinkler system, it'll increase our property value." & what will our property be worth in a world with little or no water? People will be ripping our sprinkler system out to drink the drops in the rusty pipes. Then they're break into our house to drink the water in our toilets. Property value will be for shit.
Yeah, I think about this stuff. Mainly in the day or so after I successfully finish another Self Help Radio. Did you know that this blog relates somehow to a radio show? It does! & you can hear this last week's show - it was about taxis, & not about watering the lawn - over at the Self Help Radio web site. It's easy, it's fun, & it doesn't affect the Overachieving Drought either way. Well, maybe in some ways. Don't water the lawn while you listen to it!