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It seems like I'm always driving these days (the downside of living in a sprawling place without decent public transportation) & when you do the same things all the time you want to talk about it.  So I am often talking (complaining) about driving.

That's not something I'm going to do here.  Not right now.  Except to say that I've become a less aggressive, more thoughtful driver the more I encounter douchebags on the road.  I'm sure their lives are infinitely important than mine, so it makes sense that they should speed & weave around & cause people to hit their brakes & almost hit me, as my car isn't worth a fraction of theirs.  What I tend to do nowadays is watch out for the rest of us, to make sure I'm not as douchey as the speed demons whose lives, as I've said, are infinitely more valuable than mine.

Honestly, I can't wait until they refuse to give up their death machines when driverless cars take over, & end up dying when trying to maneuver around them.  No one, not even their loved ones, who must know they drive like superdouches, will shed a tear.  "Lord knows we're all surprised," even the priest will say at the funeral, "it took this long to happen."

While I do hope one day to learn to meditate, & I try to pay attention to my breathing (a kind of rudimentary practice) when I am in bed trying to fall asleep (it's hard to do) (both concentrate on my breathing &, for me, falling asleep), my mind does wander, & it often wanders to a kind of mind-game in which I think to myself, would the world be better off if [enter someone's name] were dead?

Let me assure you, while this is probably not terribly healthy, it's a little healthier than wondering if the world would be better off if I were dead, which is something I arrogantly wondered in my deepest depressive days of the 1990s.

& by the way, these are not people in my life or even in my past - these are always public figures, most of them politicians or dictators or others who cause a great deal of misery in the world.  & also this is not a matter of me planning anything.  I wouldn't even know where to begin.  No, in this scenario either some other agent causes the demise or I am given the power of life & death in some magic way & I make a decision, & then I imagine the fallout.  Would the world in fact be a better place?  Would my world be a better place?

Other people, you know, they count sheep.  To help me fall asleep, my mind wanders into wondering.