Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 22: I Told You To Leave Jane Alone!

I may be the only person who actually looks into his or her spam folder before he or she deletes the contents, but sometimes I am glad I do. Do you recall, when spam first became a massive problem, around the turn of the century, & all the spam had weird titles like phrases spelled from refrigerator word magnets? Nowadays giving spam interesting titles is a lost art (a lot of my spam has the simple subject line "hi") (& the only person who wrote me emails titled "hi" no longer writes me emails) (though she could be my friend on Facebook - I am friends now with a person who always wrote me emails with the subject line "hey") but I did notice I got a spam today entitled "I Told You To Leave Jane Alone!"

That's rad. Did I tell you this? I was getting take-out at a place here in Huntington & when I came out, I was confronted by this very large African-American who took my hand & introduced himself. While holding my hand, he looked down at me & said, in a very soothing voice, "Your grandmother's okay." I told him, "Both of my grandmothers are dead." He said, "Yes, Susan & Elizabeth want you to know that they are all right." I didn't tell him that those weren't the names of my grandmothers, but before I could pull away, he looked at me & said, "I'm very hungry, can you help me?" So I gave him some change.

But as I went to the car, I thought to myself, "Holy spit, I don't really know the names of my grandmothers!" I was pretty sure it wasn't Elizabeth or Susan, but I didn't know. My father's mother died when he was a boy, so I never met her. My mother's mother I met a few times but she lived in Germany so all I knew her as was "Omi," which is an affectionate way of saying "Oma," which is German for grandmother.

In any event, the spam & the encounter with the hungry begging man seemed to work on the same principle: throw a name out there, hope it's common enough to get someone's attention or make you seem psychic. It's kind of bargain-basement-cold-reading type stuff.

By the way, my grandmothers' names (I have since discovered) were Eloise & Anna. Which are awesome names.

My Boring Dreams, Part 745

God I hate listening to people talk about their dreams. I don't believe they're prophetic, or full of hidden symbols, or even that they do much except possibly express painfully obvious anxieties & concerns one has.

(I knew a dude at KOOP who heard me discussing a dumb dream with someone once & he looked distressed. I don't really remember what I was discussing, but he was grave & troubled & said to me something like, "You know, Gary, it's very serious when you dream about windows {or whatever it was}." Of course, he also believed that quantum mechanics proved human being could levitate, so I didn't take him up on his offer to give me free dream therapy.)

But dreams are on my mind because - well, let me bore you.

My family used to have a convenience store, & I worked there for a while during high school, & occasionally I have dreams about it, because I spent so much time there. My dream last night (technically, this morning, as it was the last dream I had before I woke up) involved me opening the store one morning like I did on Sundays. (By the way, in the dream, I was my current age, & the store was in an advanced state of disrepair & it was filthy. That's kind of true - the people who bought the store back in 1989 tore the building down & put up a kind of mini-mall, but I went in for the first time since the late 80's a few years ago - it must've been when I was a smoker, since I was looking for American Spirits, which they didn't have - & the place was nasty. But in my dream, it was the old store, not the new one.)

I made coffee - you did that, you know, first thing - & there was a person there that I had the sense I was holding over for possibly the police or someone to pick up. Or maybe he was hiding in the store overnight & I noticed him, but somehow expected him at the same time. Anyway, as I was getting the cash drawer ready - & it was filled with weird papers that somehow had to do with my trip to Europe a couple of years ago - he started to escape, but before he did, he attempted to pour some liquid into the glass case next to the cash register, as if to destroy evidence or something. I snatched it from him in time, & when I checked it, it was nail polish remover.

He got away, & the dream ended soon after that, & I confess it was nice to see the old store, which of course I will never see again, but what I woke up wondering about is this: where in my mind was there the knowledge that there's something you can get rid of by pouring nail polish remover on it? What could it be? Is that real? Did I see it in an episode of CSI or Law & Order? That fascinates me. It might be nonsense, but it might also be my brain showing off - look what I remembered that you don't, nyah nyah nyah.

That ends this episode of my boring dreams. Remember, I'll talk about my dreams to anyone who listens - & they're guaranteed to be completely uninteresting to anyone except me & fools who imagine they mean more than they really do. (The more I think about it, maybe that industry rose up as a way for people to at least make money when people tell them their boring dreams... Hmmm...)

Good night!

The Carousel Show Goes Round

It does! Today's dizzy show about carousels & merry-go-rounds is not available for your listening pleasantries at the Self Help Radio website. When you're listening, try to catch the brass ring! It means you win another show about carousels & merry-go-rounds!

Also there is the most recent episode of Sugar Substitute, which is a pop show & which has enjoyable music & information about homosexuality in bedbugs. I can say no more. You just have to listen.

Brrr. It's chilly in Huntington!

Harry & The Online Degree

Once upon a time my friend Harry stole an online degree which he erroneously thought belonged to my father. My father had of course gotten his degree the old-fashioned way: he purchased it with embezzled money. But Harry didn't know that. Harry could barely form three consecutive thoughts in his head - Harry was high all the time, so his thoughts were non-consecutive. Though sometimes contiguous.

Harry didn't know that my father had an online degree in Middle Eastern Fashion Photography, one of three awarded that year by the President & the Secretary Of Waste. The other two haven't been heard from since - it was that prestigious a degree. So Harry literally ran with it. In the West Bohemia marathon, in 1992. Which of course required both a time machine - he stole the degree last Thursday - & the time to organize a marathon in the non-existent country of West Bohemia, which had to be both founded, stabilized, & finally recognized by the International Marathon Cabal.

My father, bless his drunken soul, didn't notice that the degree had been stolen until it was far too late & he had finally convinced the Saudi girlies that it was perfectly fine to be photographed without their veils because he had a license.

None of this is related to the fact that in a few short hours, new episodes of Sugar Substitute & Self Help Radio will air on WMUL, 88.1 on the fm dial here in Huntington. Not in Huntington? I'll put it up on selfhelpradio.net during the day tomorrow.

If you see Harry or my father, please, tell them: all is forgiven.

Whither Carousels?

To be honest, when I was a kid, carousels kind of bored me. I liked, you know, the weird animals in creepy colors (if it wasn't one of those that just had horses) & I thought the whole going-up-&-down thing was all right, but it moved too slowly for me, took too long for a revolution, & there were always those people standing there, watching you. Maybe one of them was a parent or a family member, but I always felt like I had to be performing a little when I went around & around. Though thinking about it now, I totally loved the metal feel. I loved the raised metal cross-hatching on the floors & the barely concealed, greasy engine in the center. I saw a freaky carousel in Belgium - I might even have a picture:



There were other insects & weird half-animal, half-machine contraptions as well. I couldn't ride it, though, as I was an adult at the time. Boo! Hiss! (Other adults were on it, but with their children. All I had was my childish girlfriend.)

No, the reason to think at all about this show is because when I was a kid my single favorite thing on the playground is the now-all-but-extinct merry-go-round. I mean the kind you could push or someone could push for you. This kind:



I have a lot of happy childhood memories but among them one of the dearest is being spun on a merry-go-round that no longer exists in a park that still does in Garland, Texas. The park is called Rick Oden Park, apparently named for a kid who died from a baseball accident there. One time - maybe more than once, & they've become one memory in my head - one of my older brothers, who was probably bored stiff & looking for chicks - he deigned to spin it for us & he did, mightily, in a manly fashion, just turning & turning & turning the merry-go-round until it was going a million miles an hour & me & my little brother (& possibly some other kid or kids) just holding on for dear life - the centrifugal force pushing us away, legs flailing off the edge, lots of screams, possibly even tears - & me loving every damn second of it. My god that was so much fun. & it never seemed to last, it just never seemed to last.

It was so much more fun when someone else spun the merry-go-round for you, like it was much more fun to have someone push you on the swings. I think my brothers - & it had to be either Ralph or Steve, since I don't remember ever going to a park with my oldest brother Eddie - couldn't have understood how much I & the other kids loved it, or they would have done it all the time, every time, until we were sick of it. Because I never got sick of it (even if a couple of times I probably got physically sick), it's obvious they didn't do it enough. & of course for that I never loved them as much as I could have loved them, & they have suffered in their lives for that lack of love.

I would gladly have pushed my nephews & nieces on any merry-go-round they chose, but by the time they came along, the merry-go-rounds were gone. At least the kind I love. I am sure carousels are still available at carnivals & places like that.

Oh heavy sigh.

Preface To Carousels: Or Should It Be Preface To Merry-Go-Rounds?

I'm assuming there's not a lot of difference - I haven't really done my weekly research yet - but I've found about three times more songs about merry-go-rounds than carousels. Not only that, but the carousel songs nearly always mention merry-go-rounds - while the merry-go-round songs almost never mention carousels. But I wanted to do a show about carousels, so, if I could have found ninety minutes worth of songs just about carousels - &, you know, half of them wouldn't be covers of the Jacques Brel song - which for all the hell I know is supposed to be translated "merry-go-round" anyway - I would have eschewed any merry-go-round songs. I couldn't, so I didn't.

I'm sure this preface could have been more interesting, but Dexter's on, so that's all I got.

Leprechaun Light

Happy rainy Huntington Halloween! You might have already celebrated by going to the Pumpkin House (who knows if it's supposed to be open today though) or today you might be going to the Health Expo (where, one notes breathlessly, there will be a "Germ City station" which "will teach good hand-washing techniques" - that's terrifying!) but the one thing you won't be doing - on Halloween - in Huntington - is going out for some old fashioned trick-or-treating. Why is that? Did you check the Tri-State trick or treat times? It was Thursday! You totally missed it!

To be fair, so did I. I didn't know that the city government could, by some sort of fiat, just say, "No children will be out on Halloween because we've deemed two days before more suitable for some inscrutable reason." What's to keep them from saying, "Thanksgiving on a Thursdays interrupts too many lives. We're moving it to Saturday between the hours of 4 & 7 pm. You're welcome, Huntington!" & what about New Year's? What if the crazy people in charge of this decide there should be two Christmases to up their present count?

It seems weird to me because they love themselves some Halloween in Huntington. Houses all decked out - there are Halloween lights everywhere (orange & black, naturally) in the same way people put up Christmas lights. Why then reschedule a portion of the day? Are they SCARED?

Anyway, if you're like me & would prefer Halloween to happen on the very day when the barriers between the world of the living & the world of the dead are at their weakest, have a happy one tonight. You can certainly listen to the award-winning(*) Halloween Self Help Radio shows at selfhelpradio.net if you need some chills. I also believe there'll be Halloween programming on WMUL, but you'll need to be in Huntington to hear in on the 88.1 frequency. What you can't do in Huntington is, you know, go around & ask for candy. All the candy was gone on Thursday.

(*) Self Help Radio has won no awards.

Awoooooooooo!

That's right, lycanthrope fans, the Self Help Radio show about werewolves is now available for listening this scary Halloween at selfhelpradio.net. It's ninety minutes worth of delights & frights for anyone who's cursed to change into a beast every full moon - & those who love them. Wait till the end before you waste any silver bullets!

I wouldn't be an amateur crypt-keeper if I didn't point out that last year's Halloween show - about witches! - is also available for listening during your Halloween rounds. I hope you're not too terribly tricked this season, so I give you two treats.

(In robot-related news, the third episode of Dickenbock Electronics also aired this morning. It's available on the Self Help Radio website, if you need a shiny, metallic place to be safe from the werewolves.)

Have a Happy Halloween!

Do You Have A Favorite Werewolf Movie, Gary?

Thank you for asking. Not really. It depends on the age I was when I saw it.

As a child, I loved comic books, & one of the thrills of comic books was crossovers. Yay! Batman is fighting with the Flash! Spider-Man is hanging out with Dr. Strange! The Teen Titans have discovered that the Freedom Fighters need to get back to Earth-X & will help them! The X-Men must team up with the Defenders to battle the Avengers who have been possessed by the Brotherhood Of Evil Mutants! Whee!

So you can imagine that, as a child, my favorite werewolf movies were the ones in which the Wolf-Man had to hang out with Frankenstein's monster & Dracula. Oh boy! & when Abbott & Costello got involved, watch out!

As a teen, I remember being totally unimpressed with An American Werewolf In London & also Teen Wolf, which aren't too dissimilar if you think about it. I was, however, scared by The Howling & Wolfen. Those films rocked. They still rock. I stand by that statement even if I haven't seen them in over twenty years(!).

I never saw Jack Nicholson in Wolf - it seemed too, I don't know, made for people who are older, more middle-class than I'll ever be. I should've liked Van Helsing - it was a team-up movie - but the best werewolf film I've seen recently is probably the first Underworld, & not just for Kate whatsername in the tight bodysuit. But there have been a lot of werewolves on the screen recently - in the past three years, I see there's been Blood & Chocolate, The Lycanthrope, Skinwalkers, Benighted, Freeborn, In The Blood, & the ridiculously titled Never Cry Werewolf. I haven't seen any of these. What sort of werewolf fan am I anyway?

One who'll do a show about them tomorrow morning on WMUL - 88.1 on your fm dial! Archived soon after on selfhelpradio.net! That's what sort of werewolf fan I am!

What about you - got a favorite werewolf movie? What is it?

Whither Werewolves?

Each year - as though promised, or, more accurately threatened - it rears its awful, misshapen head - it moves like crippled death, slowly but inexorably making its ghoulish & ghastly way - fueled by Satan's fire or urged on by its own filthy, macabre motivation - dripping sickness & disease, carried along in an ill wind that it seems to generate - moving closer, closer, closer - to your radio! It's the Self Help Radio Halloween show. It's an undead delight, cold, clammy, rising only once a year, then quickly decomposing. Avoid it as if your life depended on it, but miss it at the peril of your immortal soul!

The show has a scabby, uneven history. It chose to appear when Self Help Radio was very young, but was spotty, unfocused, & the next year was haunted by ghosts & spirits of torment. But the year after that, it did not appear - perhaps because the first Tuesday in November would bring horrors unimaginable that the show could simply not measure up to.

But then! It returned in full force! The next year it brought forth vampires, & the year after that monsters! The next year was zombies, & last year, it gathered a fierce coven of witches to its side! This year, it brings werewolves - cursed creatures who must have been living in the cold, wet forests that surround Huntington - or in the backwoods of nearby Kentucky or Virginia or Pennsylvania or Ohio. Evil beasts with a taste for blood!

Sad that Halloween does not fall on a full moon - nor does Self Help Radio. Let the show be a warning, then - of the blood red eyes watching from the darkness, ready to strike when the moon is full & you are at your most vulnerable!

Preface To Werewolves: Shouldn't This Be On A Sunday Instead Of On A Monday?

Hey! Who appointed you lead cop detective of everything this blog-related anyway? Just because the clock turns itself past midnight & then goes Oh look at me I'm a brand new day la de da doesn't mean it stops being that day for people who are unlucky or drunk enough to still be awake past the late twelve o'clock hour. I know, this blog post will say "Monday, October 26" just like my computer does but I am still living in a Sunday, babe, & so you too should be reading this with a Sunday mind. & no, not a religious mind, because religions will take whatever days they can - & have you noticed, they like to take the weekend days? Isn't that convenient? No problems with the bosses that way, right? Anyway. What was I talking about? Oh yeah.

As far as I am concerned, no matter how the gremlins in the computers at blogger.com tag this, this post is totally written on a Sunday. & it's the post that prefaces tomorrow's deep discussion about werewolves which will be the subject of this week's Self Help Radio which is of course this year's Special Halloween Show. & seriously, the folks in West Virginia love their Halloween. They were turning their (small by Texas standards) front yards into mock graveyards at the end of September. They also like scarecrows sitting around hay. Like this one (actual photo taken in my neighborhood I shit you not):



Maybe it will finally put Self Help Radio on the map? Or at least the GPS? We'll see.

Tomorrow. Which is Monday. It is!

Can I Sing The Praises

Interesting. That title can be read two ways without punctuation. Most folks would probably read it as a question, since it's arranged like one: Can I sing the praises? But it could also be a boast - a question answered by itself: Can I sing the praises!

I was going to talk a little about a dumbass online game I've been playing which I think is based in Germany (sometimes German pops up in boxes & captions in places that I guess are little-travelled & therefore not regularly updated). But I got shy all of a sudden. Hmm.

It's not a Facebook game - I don't play any of those Facebook games, mainly because they make me nervous. I played one game in which, when I was at the lower levels, I was constantly getting killed when I was offline. That made me sad every time I logged on. So I deleted it & I don't accept those invitations from friends when they want me to play them.

Another game I play still from time-to-time is Adventure Quest, which I did pay for (a one-time fee) to become a "guardian level player," but while the game has its moments, it's generally dull & it takes a long time with repetitive fights with the same creatures to level up. I have been playing it for a while - I even checked in on it when I was in France a couple of years ago. I forget when I started, but it may have been even before we bought our house. So that's many years.

Now with this new game, I've been playing it regularly enough that others are contacting me to join their "teams." (They aren't really teams. If I mentioned what they were, you might be able to guess the game.) Oh, & it's not World Of Witchcraft or whatever. This is a pretty small-time thing, I guess. It's only slightly role-playing-ish.

So can I sing the praises? No. No, I can't. Sorry. I've lost my nervy.

I Always Forget About You!

It's true. After I return home from my weekly radio show, I of course detox with a carrot gel enema & radiation straight to the frontal lobe, then I shower to wash the probable filth off me, & then I edit the show (taking out most of the funny stuff - I don't want it to be too good!) & put it on the Self Help Radio website. Then I go to my Facebook fan page & write an update for those lovely folks, & then I go to the Myspace page & post the playlist & update the themes. But for some reason, it's always at the end of the day when I go, "Oh fuck me like an endangered cockateel, did I forget to mention it on the blog?" I did, & I do. When I shouldn't. Really. I'm much, much more intimate with you.

Which is why, you know, more people pay attention on Facebook & Myspace.

But. This week's show - all about sliding - is now at selfhelpradio.net for you to listen to & make faces at. Also, a new Sugar Substitute. Which is like two nice things that I might have forgotten to tell you about. Luckily, though I always forget you, it's temporary, & I always remember you at last. Kiss kiss.

Can't Wait Till Tomorrow?

Well, neither can I. If I had my way, Self Help Radio would be on every day. Sure, my brain would no longer function except as an apparatus which processed songs related to "themes," & my marriage would have ended sometime after the first month, & I'd probably grow barnacles under my feet for being in front of the microphone all the time, but it would be worth it! Especially the barnacles. That'd be awesome.

As it stands, you'll have to wait till tomorrow for Self Help Radio's show about sliding. If you're really in need of a fix, scour the Self Help Radio archives to see if there's a show you haven't listened to yet. Might be. Who knows? I don't know what you're listening to. I'm delighted you want to listen to MY show. Though I think you might have questionable tastes, since you do. Just saying.

Tomorrow. 7:30am. On 88.1 fm WMUL. Archived later, of course. But wake up anyway! It tastes fresher when it's live.

Whither Sliding?

Did you ever play the game chutes & ladders when you were a kid? Did you know that it was also known as "snakes & ladders"? Does it matter to you in any case that Self Help Radio has done both a show on snakes & also one on ladders? Did you think, once hearing that factoid, that Self Help Radio in some obsessive-compulsive manner, had to therefore at some point do a show about "chutes" - which is to say, slides?

Well, you'd be wrong. It's all a coincidence. I don't possess that level of foresight nor obsession. I do, however, notice some time after the fact when I've done something that might seem like that. & when it's a cool thing to do, I totally take credit for it.

But this isn't too cool. Basing a randomly-airing set of radio shows on a toddler's game is weird enough & the fact that I might do such a thing is probably the reason children throw things at me. But the fact that they aired so far apart - "snakes" over six years ago in early October 2003, "ladders" almost two years ago in early January 2008 - makes it highly unlikely. Besides, if I were such a weirdo, wouldn't I be planning a show about "chutes" instead of "slides"? Aha! Got you! Thought you were so smart, dintcha?

Well, now that I've cleared that up, I need to go take some more medication. There are more arguments in my head I need to have & it requires all the SSRIs I can legally consume in a twelve-hour period.

Preface To Sliding: Lots Of Slides

Here. Here's seventy-four (74) pictures of playground slides: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Playground_slides. You're welcome.

Now, Less Than Ever

People are already starting to review the first decade of the 21st century. That's freaky. It's like the folks in Huntington decorating for Halloween in late September or something.

This may seem like a digression, but it isn't. Nowadays, comic books love to start over or have one-shots with the number one on them - "# 1! First issue! Collector's Item!" - but that wasn't always the case. Back in the golden & silver ages, publishers preferred continuing series (even if they were renamed) because it was not only cheaper (there were postal fees involved) but also they believed it showed comic buyers that the series was successful. As an example, when The Flash was revived in the late 50s, they numbered it from the next number of the cancelled series (# 105), which ended a decade before. Or Tales To Astonish, which became the Hulk with issue 102.

The reason to bring this up is I kinda wish it were the same with calendars. I don't like that this is just the twenty-first century after we starting counting again with Jesus' birth. It's arbitrary & dumb. So I wondered - what is the oldest calendar ever?

It might have been the Egyptian calendar. The Hindu calendar may be the oldest one still in use, but it's a lunar calendar (boo!) & it's therefore not terribly correct. It might mean the years get screwed up when counted, & I need accuracy.

The Egyptian calendar was a solar calendar, & according to the Wikipedia article, some scholars believe it started in 4242 BCE.

Just some scholars? Oh well. That's good enough for me! If the first year was 4242 BCE, then that makes this the year 6251. The second year of the fifth decade of the 63rd century. I'm not reading any "decade reviews" until eight years from now.

The 63rd century! That's fucking cool!

Happy Anniversary To Self Help Radio!

Yes, Self Help Radio turned seven years old this month, & the show today celebrated that with a theme revisited ("Around The World," first explored in November of 2002), stories about the show's creation & placement told (possibly made up?), & festival lighting in the deejay booth by gorgeous scented candles which kept nostalgia wafting gracefully in the air (though you can't hear that, you know, on the radio).

Did you miss it? No worries! It's available for your listening pleasure at selfhelpradio.net! & as an added bonus, there's a second episode of Dickenbock Electronics! It's the best seventh anniversary Self Help Radio ever had!

Dame Gay

That's a spoonerism. Though spoons are so last week. This week? Anniversary! Party! Cake! Unnecessary medical procedures!

Can you wake up early & celebrate? Self Help Radio officially turned 7 years old (old enough to drive in some Polynesian lands!) (that's probably not true) on October 9 - last Friday - but the show wasn't on the air on Friday, & there are some cultures in which people who celebrate anniversaries before their actual day are hunted down & killed by ad hoc death squads organized around the most offended elders & substitute teachers (none of that is true), so Self Help Radio's anniversary will be held as close to the day itself. At least it's a Wednesday. Self Help Radio began on a Wednesday. It may even be a sidereal anniversary. (Can someone look up sidereal? It may have been used incorrectly.)

So! Tomorrow morning at 7:30am on WMUL - 88.1 fm - & then of course on the Self Help Radio website later. But what if all the cake is gone by then? What will you do?

Also, Dickenbock Electronics is airing electronica from 6 to 7:30 am. But that's not nearly as exciting as an anniversary. An anniversary! Wow!

Whither An Around The World Seventh Anniversary Show?

Wow, seven years doing Self Help Radio. A stronger man might be able to pry himself away from such a tar pit. But not me!

Here's a funny story. I never really intended to do a show like Self Help Radio, by which I mean a weekly show organized around a particular theme. I would have preferred to simply do a freeform show like the one I did at KVRX in the 1990s, which was mainly music organized around me letting my id completely free to say things disturbing & arguably humorous. But KOOP radio at the time was a very dark, shell-shocked place, on account of the struggles for power in the late 1990s. (You can read about that from the losing side here.) This is not the place to talk about the later struggle to revitalize KOOP, something with which I was involved, but to just point out that at the time, the so-called Programming Committee, which met about three times a year, & which was chosen by the Board of Directors, had (possibly as a result of the crises) virtually no power nor authority to remove, reschedule or replace KOOP shows (the Board did that, or someone on the Board did it, & then reported to the Board at the next meeting).

I have (you might have noticed) a varied interest in music, which some call "freeform," but the people to whom I spoke at the station, some on the Programming Committee, would discount such a show added to KOOP's line-up. "We already have a free-form show," they'd say, which was true - I guess they thought they only needed one? They also had a punk rock show, an indie music show, a blues show, three country shows (grandfathered in from the old days, these programmers had always raised lots of money for the station & never been a threat), a reggae show, an experimental music show, a world music show, & two jazz shows (old & new, of course). The only thing I could have offered, if I had to, was an electronic music show, but I felt a little like a phony even proposing it - although I'm doing one now, at the time I didn't know as much about the genre & it would have become repetitive (in a bad way) fast.

What did I do? How did I fill my time those two years I waited for a show? Well, I subbed other shows, & I kept volunteering until, as the Programming Committee still had no power, the President of the Board of Directors was forced to fire a programmer who was advertising her place of business on the air, & space opened up so the Board gave me a show. It's amazing to think about it... But that's really how it happened. & I was noticed not because of my exciting show idea, but because I was a good volunteer.

Why did I stay with the Self Help Radio idea? Didn't I think that, now that I had a slot, I couldn't possibly lose it unless I ran afoul of the people in charge or broke FCC rules? I would never do the latter, but I was afraid of the former (which happened two years later - but that's another story), & another show was added the same time as mine which, though technically a jazz show, was sufficiently nestled in a sub-genre that wasn't at the time represented on the station, & was far more defensible than just "here's a freeform show dum de dum."

The Station Manager at the time loved the name - she was of a perverse bent anyway, & appreciated the irony, although some people to this day (those who can't, you know, just look the show up on Google or whatever) still send me life-transforming class information & the like.

The postscript is that I really, really like organizing shows around themes. I like that it helps me corral my out-of-control music collection. In the old days, I came up with my theme, like, the night before. Now I work on them for months sometimes. Though, really, the theme I'm going to revisit on Wednesday was one of my cleverest.

Preface To The Around The World Anniversary Show: Like I Promised, Extra Self Help Radio

The very first Self Help Radio went on the air in Austin completely & utterly unnoticed on October 9, 2002. I don't remember that day at all. When you think about it, we weren't even at war with Iraq yet at the time. Madness!

I probably have a tape of the show, but will not (probably) get it out & play it on this week's show. Too much of a hassle. Carrying a heavy cassette tape up to the WMUL studios & then cueing it & hoping that I didn't say anything stupid (which of course I probably did) that might offend the lovely people of Huntington, West Virginia... No, it isn't, as the Amish say, worth it.

It's pretty amazing I've been doing this for seven whole years & no one has stopped me. It does seem to suggest that our world is doomed. But I like to celebrate anniversaries because they are milestones, & as someone who couldn't walk a mile even with a rock of crystal meth in my shoe, I am happy to note that it's nice to have stones that people aren't throwing at you. (How many metaphors were mixed in that last sentence? Find out in next month's Highlights For Children!)

Speaking of treats, which we weren't, here's one: this month's Self Help Radio Extra! Huzzah! Hoorum! Guten Tag! Wie geht's? It features a clumsy but sincere mix of music by the likes of Billy Childish, Cat's Miaow, Chappaquiddick Skyline covering New Order, the Pooh Sticks namechecking everyone they love, & much, much more. It's at this link: this link here.

It's not a milestone (nor a millstone for your neck) but it will fit on one CD & you will dig it. I swear.

Something Something Columbus Ohio Something

Hey! I was totally working on a new Self Help Radio Extra today (don't click on that link! I haven't made one since July or something!) but then the wife & me went to Columbus for no apparent reason. I didn't get to see much of the town as it was shrouded in a dense green fog (that's not true) but we did manage to go to an awesome vegetarian restaurant run (apparently) by scrawny vegan women. It was so much better than pretty much any place to eat in Huntington that it was worth the tangle of highway & the dense green fog (there was no dense green fog!). For its reputation as the 16th largest city in the United States (just behind Austin), the place reminded me a little of Dallas. Not in anything except the sprawl. Obviously, the trees & the weather are nowhere near as pretty in Texas as in Columbus. Fun Columbus fact: "Columbus is located within 550 miles of half of the population of the United States." Austin can't say that.

The restaurant, by the way, is the Whole World Natural Bakery & Restaurant. I highly recommend it. I'm not sure what an unnatural bakery would be like - maybe like the canteen at Monsanto? I think a supernatural bakery would be cool - all those magical things flying around, right into your stomach. Mmmm.

I also saw a real live pumpkin patch. My first ever. Here's me & the wife being ridiculous & the pumpkin patch behind:



Tomorrow! A new Self Help Radio Extra! I promise.

The View From Glastonbury Tor

I hear it's phenomenal. Here's a picture of it. I wonder if I'll ever get to see it in-person-like.

What I can do in-person-like is a radio show (although it's not all that in-person-like, as listeners & I are connected only by sounds traveling on the airwaves) which I did do this morning which is now available at selfhelpradio.net. There are actually two shows, though I did them back-to-back without even a break for cake & tea, but they have been separated for fear of cross-contamination. Details are:

1) This week's Self Help Radio, which is about spoons; &
2) This week's Sugar Substitute, which is about pop!

Please download, listen, enjoy & then repeat.

Your Weekly Reminder, Forgetful

Beep beep beep beep! Turn on your radio at 6am tomorrow (that's October 7th) (also, that's in Huntington, West Virginia) & don't go back to sleep but tune it in to 88.1 fm which is WMUL which features two great shows starting at 6am - well, one great show starts at 6am, then there's another one at 7:30am - you understand, why be such a pest about it? - Sugar Substitute is on at 6am with Self Help Radio following at 7:30am. Wowy zowy! Don't go back to bed! Get some coffee & listen very carefully. You will grow as a person.

Beep beep beep beep! Did you go back to bed? What? You're not even IN West Virginia? Not Kentucky nor Ohio? Oops. Go back to sleep. Just WATCH THIS SPACE for announcements about when these shows will be put up on selfhelpradio.net - because they will be. Soon after they've happened. Bet on it.

Beep beep beep beep! Oh for the love of God can you turn that damn alarm off. Jeez.

Whither Spoons?

Just look at this. Just look. At this. From (of all places!) wiki.answers.com!

Q: What drugs can be used using a spoon?
A: Most drugs used intravenously that need to be transformed from powder to liquid. Most common being Heroin, Cocaine, & Speed. There are also several types of pills that may be crushed & used IV or IM including Dilaudid or Oxycontin.

Spoons! Spoons aiding & abetting drug users! Is it any wonder that the marvelous spoon is considered the least important eating utensil in the world today, lagging vastly behind the inscrutable fork & the homicidal knife? In some polls, of silverware & cutlery, even beaten by the bastard spork? Why? Why should that be?

Because of the relationship of spoons to drugs. That must be the reason!

Self Help Radio this week vindicates the spoon! The reputation of the spoon shall be rehabilitated! Soon the world shall look upon the spoon not as a junkie's helper but as the brave implement that shovels food into the mouths of us citizens & our precious children once more!

Preface To Spoons: Nothing At All About Bands With "Spoon" In Their Name

Self Help Radio has only a few rules, most of which could be regularly violated & no one would give a flying flip. But they're not. This week, there was some discussion of one of the rules that has been in place since the show began - seven years ago, & we celebrate next week! - & that rule is kinda simple: whatever the theme is, don't play bands or musicians whose names happen to be the same as the theme. (If the theme is the band, however, that rule doesn't apply. For example, a show about the Velvet Underground, which has happened in the past, could & did include a song called "Velvet Underground.") If the bands themselves have songs named after themselves, like someone of them do, that could be & has been included. But it's included because of the song, not the band.

A few people have written to ask if this week's show, the subject of which will be spoons, will include either of the bands called Spoon (from Missouri or Texas), or the Canadian band The Spoons, or old skool rap sensation Spoonie Gee, or new skool electronica producer Spoon (of Jam & Spoon), or even bands like Spoonfed Hybrid or Fischerspooner. The answer is no. None of those folks have a song about spoons - or even related to spoons - although Spoonie Gee does have a song called "Spoonin' Rap" which almost made the cut. I wish that some of the bands above had in fact written a song about spoons, but they didn't. Too bad.

Speaking of, another rule of Self Help Radio forbids (knowingly) playing different versions of the same song to pad out the playlist. This particular rule is sort of in response to a practice by an Austin radio personality who, it is safe to say, is loved & loathed in equal parts (though it's pretty easy to ignore him, since one can change a channel, unless one has to work in some place where his is the station of choice). One of the reasons for such ambivalence is that he had (assuming he might have changed this habit, as the Self Help Radio team hasn't heard his show in many, many years) a habit of playing numerous covers of a certain song in a row, playing the original version every other song. Wrap your head around this. He'd play, for example, "Day Tripper," by the Beatles. Then a cover. Then the Beatles' version again. Then another cover. Then the Beatles' version again. Then another cover. For over an hour. Sometimes for two whole hours, if his interns found him enough covers. Unbelievable. Maddening.

But some folks did like it. Not over here, which is why he hasn't been listened to for many moons in these here parts, even when these here parts were still in Austin. So the "no repetitive covers rule" was established, & it has been enforced with remarkable consistency - the idea being, if a radio show can't be filled with all different songs, it's suffering from a lack of imagination, & the theme should be altered, edited or dropped.

However, this week's show breaks that rule - sort of. It involved a blues song about a spoonful & its transformation over the years. But. Too much has already been revealed. The rules are in place. The show is taking shape. All is right with this tiny little part of the world.

Paraprosdokian

"A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians & satirists." (Says the wikipedia.)

Examples!

Will Rogers: "I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."
Winston Churchill: “If you are going through hell, keep going.”
Groucho Marx: "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
Dorothy Parker: "If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised."
Mitch Hedberg: "I haven't slept for ten days. Because that would be too long."
Jimmy Carr: "When someone close to you dies, move seats."
Vance Chamberlain: "She told me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. She was the worst cardiologist I ever knew."

Bring your own!

Used To Be? Is!

Yep, the Self Help Radio show that used to have the theme "used to" may no longer exist in the present, as is right & proper, but it does now exist in the past, in archived form, at selfhelpradio.net, where everyone used to go to listen to Self Help Radio shows before they realized that they weren't very good. But no matter! You can get used to the lower quality of the shows because there are so many of them!

A case in point: also in the same place (selfhelpradio.net) you can find the first episode of Huntington's only (as far as can be determined) electronica show, called Dickenbock Electronics. Oh wow! Oh gee! Oh crap, it's only about as good as Self Help Radio. Well, you can't win them all.

But go listen anyway! It's not like you have anything better to do.

You Used To Enjoy Listening To Self Help Radio...

Maybe one day you will again? If you think you can be rehabilitated - if you think you can get used to listening to Self Help Radio again - please remember, it's now on at 7:30 in the a.m. on 88.1 fm, WMUL, in lovely & chilly Huntington, West Virginia. Since WMUL doesn't stream its music programming live, you can listen to a recording of the show probably later in the day over in the usual place, selfhelpradio.net.

If you're an early riser, you may also want to listen to the premiere of Dickenbock Electronics, which will begin its biweekly rotation at 6am on 88.1 fm. It'll share the space with Sugar Substitute, which will air on alternate weeks. Six o'clock in the morning is just as good as time for bleeps & bloops as it is for pop pop pop. You know it.

Self Help Radio tomorrow explores that odd linguistic phrase "used to," in both its main senses: talking about things you used to do, & getting used to things. So if you used to enjoy listening to Self Help Radio, now is the time to get used to listening to it again. Please do!

Whither Used To?

Ah, the fertile fluff of sentiment! How it wows us on! Was it perhaps Norman Vincent Perp or was it Vincent Van Gorp who once stuttered, "The past, she or he ain't what we used to think it ought to be!"? At odds, as always, with current thinking in nostalgia, brave souls suffering from a lack of maudlin tendencies challenge their mawkish peers with cold, rational eyeglasses shined on the blurry charts of history. Yet are they doomed to fail? Or shall they instill rigorous & removed standards on the industries that make the most of human rue, regret & recrimination? Irony of ironies! Only time will tell.

Confined as they are to dismissing the human desire to ponder & misconstrue, these scholars perhaps downplay the point of remembrance: a double chance at redemption: first, in the possible misremembering - especially if no one from "those days" is around to gainsay one; & second, in vows & promises, to oneself & others, to have "learned" from the events now embarrassingly etched into one's psyche. Opinion polls strongly suggest the former to be the most successful, as it requires the least amount of work.

Who, then, shall step up to employ & therefore subvert these techniques? Perhaps the mission might begin with the abandonment of the competition paradigm - surely how one views what once was in attempts to recast it as what could never have been is not an either/or proposition. Dr. Lenny Caldicott of the imaginary Flutter Institute has begun such a project, identifying nearly fourteen ways a human can wrangle with wistfulness. But even he admits his meager & tentative forays into this new scholarly wilderness are barely the beginning - "I'm not terribly inventive," he confides. "Also, I'm a little dumb." He urges graduate students & coffee shop baristas to enter the field en masse, to transform it utterly in the same way a previous generations invented such things as "the humanities" & "American studies." "It can't go on the way it used to," he says, "& even that sentence deserves at the very least a write-up in the 'news' box of your average academic journal."

Whatever the future, it shall one day be the past, & how it shall be perceived is being grumbled over by a small but sturdy group of new thinkers. One day, then, we can look back & interpret how they chose to look back & interpret, & even then perhaps we can argue about their perceptions, & therefore shall none in this promising field ever be without work, then or now or in the futures that shall be.

Preface To Used To: I Used To Celebrate Every 100th Post I Created, But Now, Not So Much

It's true. This is the 700th blog entry for the Self Help Radio blog. & here are some factoids about Self Help Radio which you can use at no cost to you the next time you play Obscurity Jeopardy:

Self Help Radio began officially Wednesday, October 9, 2002 at 2pm CST. It lasted sixty minutes. (There had been two or three shows on a different time before the name had gelled, but as soon as it seemed like Wednesday would be the day, the website was built & the clock started.)

The first theme was "The War Show," & the idea was to call all the shows "the [theme] show," but that was abandoned relatively quickly. The show that was scheduled to be on before Self Help Radio was called "The Pilot Show," which was a training hour for new volunteers at the radio station, & that day I subbed it, since no one was scheduled, & that theme was "Hello!" However, no one around here counts that as the first Self Help Radio. Nope.

The show that followed at the time was nice punk rock show which showcased showily bands both local & touring that were in Austin that week. It was called "Live Bait."

I wish I knew what the first archived show was - I recorded the show from the get-go & possess recordings of virtually every Self Help Radio (there are a few gaps, which historians many moons from now will bewail) but I didn't think of making them available on a website till either 2004 or 2005.

& finally, I created this blog almost four years after Self Help Radio began, on September 12, 2006. I generally wrote in it five days a week, although I forgot sometimes, & most often I discussed the themes of the upcoming shows around three days before the show, one post a "preface," the other a "whither [theme]?" It's amazing that I did that from the get-go, although the "whither [theme]?" posts predated the "preface" post by one post. At this point, as well, Self Help Radio was on Friday afternoons.

The 100th post happened on March 7, 2007.

The 200th post happened on August 13, 2007. (158 days later.)

The 300th post happened on January 9, 2008. (149 days after the 200th post.)

The 400th post happened on May 26, 2008. (138 days after the 300th post.) (Also, at this point, Self Help Radio had become a show without a radio station.)

The 500th post happened on October 14, 2008. (141 days after the 400th post.)

The 600th post happened on March 25, 2009. (162 days after the 500th post.)

& now, 186 days since the 600th post, we're at 700. Due to my month off this year, it's slowed down a little - or a lot. But now that SHR is thriving on WMUL I think things will perk up.

In any event, I used to celebrate these things in some way, shape or form. You know, by doing something notable, or noting something I did. I don't do that anymore. & the past laughs in mockery!

Provender

The word of the day is "provender." It's pronounced prov-en-der, with the o in "prov" being short, like saying "prof" (for "professor") with a v instead of an f. The "ender" is two syllables & is pronounced like it rhymes with bender or sender. Provender. Use it at least once today, incorrectly. Might I suggest this sentence? "She's a real provender, man."

It means both the food you give to your livestock or domestic animals, & any supply of food. I seem to remember learning the word while reading "All Quiet On The Western Front," but it could also have been Stephen Crane. Or one of those "Little House On The Prairie" books. There was no real need in my life to use the word, so of course I used it incorrectly. Just to fuck with people. Like you should.

It's an old word, as it should be - those of us who use English are descended from people who kept stores for their livestock. It comes from the French word provende, where we also get "provisions," & that word comes from the Latin praebenda, which meant one's daily allowance of provisions. Its meaning hasn't changed much. It hasn't really had to. It's not really all that exciting a word.

Which makes it a little disappointing, as the Self Help Radio blog only has a "word of the day" on days that begin or end on September 26, 2009. It's in the contract. Might I suggest other "word of the day" sites on the internet? No? All right then.

Introducing... Dickenbock Electronics!

You all know Richard "Dick" Dickenbock, the entrepreneur, the raconteur, the saboteur, the voyeur, the wit, the witless, the eyewitness. It's no secret his many dollars & little sense are the financial backbone of the Self Help Radio media empire. But what many people don't know about him is that, besides being almost certainly fictional, he's a priest. Also, he absolutely adores electronic music. (Electronic religious music, though, not so much.)

That's why the same people who bring you both Self Help Radio & the pop show Sugar Substitute are proud to announce (mainly to Dick Dickenbock) the creation of a third radio show called Dickenbock Electronics, named in honor of (or in spite of) Mr. Dickenbock himself. The show will alternate with Sugar Substitute (since no one wants to give more radio time to yours truly) (& Mr Dickenbock is only supportive enough to buy the name of the show) on Wednesdays at 6am. The first show will be this coming Wednesday, September 30, & then the week after that is Sugar Substitute on Wednesday, October 7, & then the next week - well, you get the idea. It's basically the definition of alternating. Didn't mean to be condescending or anything.

You can certainly contact us in the usual manner (writing here or here, for example, or writing something on a stone & throwing it through the office window) if you have suggestions, requests, threats, subpoenas, recovered memories, etc., although every idea (sigh) will need to be pre-approved by Mr. Dickenbock. I'm sure you understand. The dude has serious cash. & not-so-serious cash, which he calls "funny money."

Aren't you excited? This Wednesday, the premiere of Dickenbock Electronics!

This Show, Like The Last Show

Wednesdays, which is now when Self Help Radio airs, will probably be a little rough for me. Not because of any work-week cliche like it's "hump-day," nor because of co-workers who feel perfectly all right humping me whatever day it is, nor because of anything at all related to employment - no, I don't have a job, therefore I can go right home after my three hours on the radio & snooze.

Or can I? Ask my dogs! I stayed up late Tuesday because I am an anxious sort, & returned after my show around half past nine & fed the menagerie, then retired to my boudoir, where I clutched a lumpy pillow to my head & dozed to dream about whatever sorts of awards they give people with amazing radio shows, & the ceremonies those awards would compel me to attend.

But this is a house with three dogs & a probably equal number of cats. They are cute fellows but they are selfish & mean. I was asleep not two hours - barely time to get interviewed on the red carpet by some entertainment news show! - when they were asking to go out, asking to be loved, asking to borrow the car keys to go get some lunch - you know, the shit pets do.

After explaining that they didn't know how to drive, & giving them a little loving, as they are cute as hell, I got up & put the selfsame shows I did that morning on the interweb. (I did a Sugar Substitute along with a Self Help Radio.) I then zombied my way through the rest of the day, retiring at the unheard-of time of 10pm (!) even before I watched the Daily Show. I should've said something yesterday, but it would've looked & read a lot like remarks in drool. & maybe this will be how my Wednesdays are from now on.

The shows are at selfhelpradio.net of course. Remember, if you're named Emily, the Self Help Radio show might be very interesting for you.

Whither Emily?

I am currently without an Emily in my life. I have a niece named Emily, & I saw her last week, although I didn't say anything to her & she didn't say anything to me. She's maybe nine or ten? She's my little brother's kid, & he & I aren't close, so there's no reason or expectation that I'd be close with his kids.

I worked with an Emily in Austin, but she didn't even come say goodbye to me when I left - we weren't more than co-workers.

I kissed an Emily once, but we lost touch a long time ago. I think she tried to get in touch with me a few years back, but I waited too long to respond & it fell through the cracks. In any event, neither of us seems to need each other in our respective lives, so most probably at some point we'll connect through Facebook & continue not speaking to each other.

None of these Emilys are the reason for tomorrow's Self Help Radio. It's just fun to make a show with songs about a certain someone, & at some point I noticed a lot of songs about an Emily in a lot of musicians' lives. I am actually grateful I don't have an Emily buzzing around me - if I did, she'd probably think the show was for her specifically. It isn't. It's for every Emily in the world equally.

Are you an Emily? If you are, & you'd like a CD of the songs I'll play on the show, write me & I'll send you one. Like I did for the Bills of the world summer before last. I'm good like that - & it's my way of saying thanks for letting me celebrate your name.

Preface To Emily's Show: What's All This About Emily Dickinson & "The Yellow Rose Of Texas"?

According to Wikipedia (on this page) the song "The Yellow Rose Of Texas" is "a traditional folk song which has long been popular in the United States & is considered an unofficial state song of Texas. The actual author is unknown; the original publisher (Firth, Pond & Co.) only stated that it was composed & arranged expressly for Charles H. Brown by 'J.K.' [...] The soundtrack to the TV miniseries James A. Michener's Texas dates a version of the song to 1927 & co-credits the authorship thereof to Gene Autry. However, Don George ('I'm Beginning to See the Light') reworked the original version of the song, which Mitch Miller made into a popular recording 1955."

Emily Dickinson was of course the reclusive 19th century New England poet whose morbid sing-song poems are the easiest thing to memorize in high school English class. But did you know that most if not all of her poems (which were mainly written in what is called "common meter" by snobby poets) can be sung to the tune of "The Yellow Rose Of Texas"? I learned that in high school just like you did, & this page has a midi file to compare, while this page explains that this is possible because of oh so common meter. Emily Dickinson & television! The nerve!

If you don't know "The Yellow Rose Of Texas," don't worry - most folks know the melody more than the words, & that includes most Texans. A lot of them would be shocked by the minstrel lyrics, which begin "There's a yellow rose in Texas that I am going to see/No other darkey knows her, no darkey only me."

Something I had never heard of is added on the Wikipedia page: "A twentieth century myth has turned the Yellow Rose into one Emily D. West, a housekeeper in a hotel in New Washington, Texas, during the Texas Revolution." It's of course unlikely, but what a coincidence for this week's show!

When Is A Vacation Not A Vacation?

I can't tell you, but I can show you. Just look back over the last five or six days of my life...

I am back in Huntington, not terribly rested & smelling like airport disinfectant. It turns out - did I tell you this already? - I will be premiering Self Help Radio (& its current sister-show Sugar Substitute) as three hours of morning offerings starting this Wednesday at 6am on 88.1 WMUL. Of course, you have to be in the tri-state area to hear the shows live, but I will post them to selfhelpradio.net as soon as I catch up on the sleep I miss getting up at 6am (!) to do a show. For the time being, Sugar Substitute will start off at 6am & Self Help Radio will stumble along ninety minutes later.

I am thinking - maybe you have some input - of doing another show on alternate weeks with Sugar Substitute that plays electronica. What do you think? I don't know what to think. I don't think I know what to think. You think?

Regular blog posting begins again tomorrow. I've missed you. If only you told me where you lived, I could have sent you postcards. Or text messages. Or little hearts with arrows through them on crinkly candy wrappers.

Some Things To Do Before The Vacation

It's true, I don't know where Self Help Radio will end up on the WMUL schedule in a couple of weeks. But I can't worry about that. I gotta get back to Texas to help my mother celebrate her 80th birthday! & knowing her, I'm going to designated driver all weekend long.

I'll let you know about the show's fate when I do, but until then, surely you can enjoy yesterday's show (theme: "Run!") available now at selfhelpradio.net, as well as the sixth episode of the pop show Sugar Substitute (theme: deliciousness) also available there.

If I see you in Dallas & Austin, I'll see you there. Expect a little radio silence for ten days or so - not from the radio, just from me. I may pop in every once in a while to say hey - & to tell you where Self Help Radio lands on the 88.1 schedule.

Now go, listen to those shows. I have to pack.

On Your Markers...

Hey! Yeah, you! Do you live in Huntington, West Virginia? Do you or anyone you know have access to a radio? Do you know how to turn it on? To adjust the volume to a level at which your ears are comfortable? Do you know how to tune it to a particular frequency? Yeah? Hey! Can you tell time? It doesn't matter if it's digital or uses an hour hand & a minute hand - any type of clock will do. You can? Swell! When it's three o'clock (big hand pointing to the top of the clock, little hand at a right angle pointing to the right) (or 3:00 on a digital clock) (if it's military time, it'll be 1500 hours), you can tune your radio to 88.1 fm. That's WMUL Huntington. You can listen to today's episode of Self Help Radio. That's right! The theme is "run!" Wait - I didn't mean for you to... Nertz.

Okay, you - do you live in Huntington, West Virginia? No? Do you have a computer? Is it connected to the internet? Yes? Do you know how to use a web browser? Yes? Super! Some time tomorrow - you can check back here if you like - you can listen to today's show at selfhelpradio.net! Isn't that great? It'll be the same theme because it's the same show. Just recorded. It's like science fiction of the nineteen-thirties only it's eighty years later & it's real!

This'll be the last Self Help Radio for a couple of weeks, so do tune in if you can, or listen online when you can. It not only makes you a better citizen, it entertains you in a grand old style. It's true!

Whither Run!?

in the auld database, where there are data saved, information about a musical collection gathered over many years, consisting of many media, vinyl, digital, compressed & uncompressed, scattered & strewn, the clever music maven begins to note similarities of title & theme, tiered & alphabetized handily, not coincidental, but in convenient blocks, lines of repeated words which signify not cover songs but originals.

"Run" is a song title. There are dozens!

"Run Run" is another song title. Only a few of these. Why?

"Run Run Run" is yet another song title. Many more of these.

Something like a spark ignites the tinder-quality gray matter in the deejay's song-soaked head. "A show!" thinks he, "A show with songs only titled "Run!" & "Run Run!" & "Run, Run Run!"

The gauntlet is thrown. The disparate, yet homogeneously named, tracks are gathered, listened to, arranged.

Another Self Help Radio is thus born!

Preface To Run!: A Wide History Of Flat Feet

I never knew I had flat feet until the girlfriend/wife (sometime either before or after the marriage, but I don't remember when, so I err on the side of calling her both although she cannot for whatever reason be both) pointed it out to me on some occasion with some surprise. I suppose she had never really looked at my feet before. She seemed startled. I was a little embarrassed.

She's an anatomist, so I take her observation as fact.

I hoped I had flat feet when I was a lad because I had heard that flat feet disqualifies you for military service. I didn't want to serve the military. I wouldn't have liked the killing or, on another level, the showering with other men. I wondered how one could fake flat feet, but decided instead on being a conscientious objector, although later research showed that you really, really had to prove you hated war. No spending the entire conflict with the Quakers for me!

However, since 20 to 30 percent of the population have flat feet, it would be moronic for the military to refuse those afflicted with this condition. They've even done studies about it, probably more to assuage old officers who believe in old officers' wives' tales, than to find proof of disqualification. However, it must be said, I have more or less well flat feet, while some folks with flat feet are in a lot of pain. Damn you fallen arches! How can you be so cruel?

Yet I run. I run free! My flat feet, my flat right foot, my flat left foot, & me.

Lyrics To Songs That May Or May Not Exist

I grew up in a medium-sized suburb called Garland, Texas. Here is the city's homepage. I knew that people paid a lot of attention to football, but myself lost interest as I grew older. I went to only a couple of games for my middle school team, since I was on the yearbook staff & had to take pictures. I never went to any of my high school's games. Actually, I might have gone to one. Yeah, I went to one. In my senior year. I remember everyone I knew being surprised to see me there. & it was chilly. & afterwards, I deejayed for the first time at the after-game dance, & I did an astonishingly bad job. The shape of things to come!

College football is another thing entirely, of course, & I never went to a single game at the University of Texas, when I was a student or later as staff. (Here is Austin's web site.) In fact, the games were very inconvenient for me since I used to spend Saturdays at KVRX, & of course campus was clogged when there were games. One time, I was walking to the station, which was away from the game, & some already drunk dudes passed me & said, "Hey, you're going to wrong way!" I said, somewhat snottily, "No, I think I'm going exactly the right way." I didn't smile or turn around or anything, but one of them said, "He's lookin' to get his ass kicked!" But I didn't get my ass kicked.

But even though Austin slowed down during UT football games, & it was generally quieter at supermarkets & the like during such times, the city never shut down the way Huntington was this afternoon. Granted, Huntington (whose web page is right here) is about a tenth the size of Austin, & less than a quarter the size of Garland, but wow! The city was quiet as if there had been an invasion this afternoon because of the football game. What football game? Er. I didn't ask. Let me check.

Ah! It was the season opener, & Marshall University beat Southern Illinois 31-28. I beat there's a lot of happy folks tonight. Good for them! I think I'm going to watch Green Acres instead. Speaking of, have I ever shown you my Green Acres fan fiction? I really should.

Manna Mania

From the Wikipedia:

As a natural food substance, manna would produce waste products; but in classical rabbinical literature, as a supernatural substance, it was held that manna produced no waste, resulting in no defecation among the Israelites until several decades later, when the manna had ceased to fall. Modern medical science suggests the lack of defecation over such a long period of time would cause severe bowel problems, especially when other food later began to be consumed again. Classical rabbinical writers say that the Israelites complained about the lack of defecation, and were concerned about potential bowel problems.

They used every part of the manna, no shit.

That's manna mania!

The Other End Of The Loop

Huzzah & hurrah! Yesterday's Self Help Radio show is up for those of you foolish enough to have missed its initial airing at selfhelpradio.net! Alert the authorities! Countermand the captain's orders! Belay that! Belie that! Bellow from the rooftips! Cut the blond from your hairtips! Cut the bland with your fingertips! & by all means tip your caddy!

Also huzzah & as well hurrah! In the same place, with a slightly more poppy feel, is the fifth non-fattening episode of Sugar Substitute. Loaded with confection, you can play it in public & it'll slightly increase your intrinsic self-worth. Psychologist-apprised & well worth its own sweet time!

Please be a dear & go listen to them. Daddy needs to have a nap now.

Game Duh

I'm on the air in about an hour on 88.1 fm WMUL Huntington. If you're not able to listen to it, I'll be archiving the show tomorrow at selfhelpradio.net. I have to go clean my shoes & shine my spats - must look spiffy for the radio crowd! Hope to hear that your heard!

Stay Of Elocution

Yeah, it turns out that there was scheduling issue today at WMUL, so I didn't get to do Self Help Radio. It'll air tomorrow on 88.1 at 3pm, & maybe again next Wednesday at that time. The new schedule will begin the week after next, so my timeslot (if I get one I hope I get one!) should be stable for a while after that. Tune in!

I probably didn't coin the pun "stay of elocution," but I did use it in a poem I wrote a million years ago. It was called "Stripper Girlfriend" & went like this:

what is light after all but the end of the denial & the rest
of the afternoon spent secretly dreaming of management games
& chests pressed sternly against sidewalk & self or did they
in half of one six dozen of the other somehow tell everybody
that subdued sadness or repressed depression manages to lift
out of sex & affection when least is likely & knowing naught
is not the right response but what i mean or what i'm trying
to say whether love or whether apple core clues or whether a
stay of elocution pumps honesty or not like i care to get at
the meat of the matter or the jism of the gist or the broken
heart of the moment need sweaty bloody teary-eyed courageous
& all i ever manage is hold on hold back hold it right there
ha eyelids make smashing sounds & perspective is a curse but
end of the tunnel faster than the thankfully schoolyard bang
bang or did i mention marriage because the shadow cross play
& play house too closely for me to pharmacy & farm community
in isolation is another dreamy dream like losing nothingness
your best friend the only one who understands you sacrifices
inlove for breakfast eugene v debs for places to go peephole
to see the never never ain't forever what with bookends here
& over here so excuse me tough time opening this jar of meat
loaf should be pandora's box it's surely not happening is it

I Was Going To Call This Particular Post "The Night Before"

But it turns out I may be moving the show around again to air on Wednesdays from 3 to 5.

So you'll just have to wait till tomorrow to find out. I have to wait the rest of the night, I think.

Whither Loops?

In high school, I came the closest to fulfilling my aspirations of being a rock & roll star (aspirations which, by the way, I never pursued with any sort of determination - so it's not like I'm heartbroken it didn't happen) when an old friend - who really could play musical instruments, &, unlike me, could also sing - had me come in & horse around with him, making stuff up while he played basic chord progressions on the guitar (in those days, this friend was more of a loner, & he would then spend days adding other stuff - drums, backing vocals, other guitars - in the privacy of his lonesome room with a four-track recorder). Thus was born such incredible songs you'll never hear like "Teenage Zombie," "Prom Night," "Battering Ram," "Officer Burrell Has Some Documents For You To Sign," & "Vandal With Me," as well as eminently forgettable covers of U2's "I Will Follow" (in which I ad-libbed the lines, "I'll follow you to your house - to you grandmother's house - I'll wait in the bathroom - I will follow!") & ZZ Top's "Sharp Dressed Man," which I was openly mocking by perfectly enunciating the doggerel lyrics. I still fucking hate that song.

My pal Joe gave us a name - Atheists On A Mission From God - but it turned out to be ill-timed, as my loner friend was finding Jesus simultaneous to our musical adventures & would eventually stop talking to me for years because I was an infidel & he couldn't save me. You can imagine that, for a young man surreptitiously (well, he didn't tell me) finding God, it must have rankled when I'd phone up & say, "Hey, wanna do some Atheists stuff this weekend?"

Those songs are all lost, more or less. I probably have them on cassette somewhere, but the cassettes have probably melted or oxidized or whatever happens to old cassettes. I was pretty young at the time - 17 or 18 - but boy did I have fun. I wish then we had had the digital technology we have now. My friend destroyed his copies (along with a lot of his own recordings, I think, & a lot of his record collection, which had a lot of Satanic stuff in it, like Talking Heads) when he was saved by Jesus. Jesus may well have been doing the world a favor!

Of all the songs to be least proud of is "Battering Ram," a sexist ode which is a ridiculous boast from me, a boy who hadn't yet had sex, about my member's terrifying abilities to break down the walls of love (literally?) over a twelve-bar blues. Inane, but the whole point was that I was trying to crack up my musician friend (who gave the song its title - I didn't then & still don't think that way) with dumb lines like:

I dated this girl about four days
I said "Baby something's getting in the way"
No problem, battering ram!

At the end of the song, while I was singing "I'm a battering ram," my friend said, "His bedroom's an obstacle course." So I added, "Watch it jump through the hoops, do loop-de-loops, battering, battering ram." I can still both see my friend crack up & hear it in my head. He was one of those people you liked to make laugh.

That "loop" song is one, though, you won't hear on Self Help Radio this week. Or ever. If I can help it.

Preface To Loops: You Can Loop This Blog Post & Rap Over It

I miss working at the University of Texas for one really big reason: the campus has a subscription to the Oxford English Dictionary Online. You know how much it costs for one person, like me, who might only use it now & again, & usually for my dumbass radio shows? Two hundred & ninety five dollars a year! That's amazing. Of course, the twenty-volume set costs a thousand dollars, so I suppose it's something of a bargain. Not all that looking up, leafing through pages, etc. You know, the stuff that makes books so much fun.

I can use dictionary.com, but it doesn't have those archaic quotes from writers that I'm sure seemed a lot more important at the time that the OED has. It does, however, have twenty-nine definitions for "loop" so I am a little grateful for that. I can also used Merriam-Webster, which is also free but a little clunky to navigate through. The other Webster's is by far the most comprehensive & free, yet I don't know why - I still miss the OED.

I think it's that you can turn off & on, like etymology & quotes. I am a sucker for sites that let you hide & show information.

You know, if you spend a little time with dictionaries online you can see where I get a lot of info I impart on the show. That's probably not a good thing to tell you - maybe you would otherwise think I am much smarter than I really am. But there you are. You can think I'm loopy - even if I'm not looped but sober - you can grab me by the pants loop or take me around town on the loop - but now you're in the Self Help Radio loop. Enjoy.

Loop Loopy

You get kind of loopy listening to songs both about loops (including the clothing kind) as well as songs constructed with weirdly obvious loops, & as such you begin to find yourself thinking about, I don't know, dressing up your dog as the Starship Enterprise. How bad an idea can it be?

Whatever happened to all those people who wanted to raise their own money to keep a Star Trek franchise show on the air? Did the new Star Trek movie quiet them down? Or will they continue to make their own movies? (I confess, I really like the tag line of that homemade Star Trek movie, "Star Trek - Of Gods & Men": "Legends come together one last time... To destroy each other." But wouldn't it be better if the last part were all caps? "Legends come together one last time... TO DESTROY EACH OTHER." Also, shouldn't there be an exclamation point? "Legends come together one last time... TO DESTROY EACH OTHER!"

Maybe then I'd find it & watch it.

That's not true - I'm a huge Star Trek nerd but I barely choked down Enterprise & Voyager. The new movie was a lot of fun. If they're not going to try to make a series like Deep Space Nine again, I can handle reinvention & big budgets. Although there should have a been a little Shatner in the new movie, you know?

You heard me!

Taking Thursdays Off

I was thinking of taking Thursdays off writing this blog. Having Self Help Radio be on a Tuesday severely screws with my ridiculous artificial structure for the blog, which, when SHR was on a Friday (or when I unveiled the podcast on Saturday), was all like:

MONDAY: Remind folks I put last week's show on the web site over the weekend.
TUESDAY: Mostly nonsensical "preface to" whatever theme I was covering that week.
WEDNESDAY: Equally inane "whither the theme?" post.
THURSDAY: Treading water.
FRIDAY: The show's on today! Or the show's on this weekend!

But I can't seem to get into any sort of rhythm with the show on Tuesday. & I tend to put the show up on Wednesday, which is sort of the new Saturday, so I can't not write something until Friday. That doesn't feel right. So I think I'll just take Thursdays off & maybe even Sunday or something. I am not in any way interesting enough to write something funny &/or/god forbid insightful more than three or four days a week.

I know, no one cares but me. Man, I wish I read this blog!

Also, if I take Thursdays off, I guess I have to start next week. Damn it!

This Week's Show, It's Up

Sorry for the perfunctory post, but other things are occupying your host's time. Please have a listen to the Self Help Radio show about dimensions - as well as this week's episode of the pop show Sugar Substitute - at selfhelpradio.net. Then make everyone you know listen to it. Form little clubs to discuss its possible merits & obvious failings. Write long academic papers about it. Copy it to a small external drive or your mp3 player & sleep with it under your pillow. Use it instead of prayer when you feel like asking something of imaginary deities. The show is for you. Have a little fun with it.

Pocket Holes

Oh boy! A website that teaches how to sew!

Not that I plan to learn how to sew. Self Help Radio is happening today at 3pm on 88.1 fm WMUL Huntington! I don't even have a needle & thread.

But I do have a hole in my right front pocket. I just put my change & keys in my left pocket. For the time being.

I don't think I've ever had a hole in my back pockets. I have had a hole in the back of my pants, of course, from my days as a professional cactus sitter. That's a part of my past I'd prefer to not discuss.

Neither my cats nor my dogs have a problem with pocket holes, but despite their insistence that they do have pockets, they don't have pants, & that's one thing they seem to insist more than anything else, except that they're hungry - "We have pockets!" they bark or meow. It's a little ridiculous, but they are ridiculous creatures.

I know, I did a show about pockets many moons ago. But when have I ever had to worry about fixing a hole in my dimension? When do pets talk about dimensions?

This is the material I have to work with.

The Thin Layers Between The Dimensions Are So Handily Separated

It is a super power one can sometimes get by exposure to radioactive Sevin Dust &/or chocolate with too much fudge within. It is not a super power that one would know how to use unless one was actively seeking to separate the thin layers between the dimensions. If you happen to have this super power, & you don't want to separate the thin layers between the dimensions, please read no further. Below is a brief overview of the process of separating the thin layers between the dimensions.

Please note: Self Help Radio is not responsible for irresponsible use of this information. Separating the thin layers between dimensions can sometimes cause unexpected & usually lethal release of something toxic from the dimension which is separated from our own by only a thin layer. Proceed with caution & always remember to be armed with either a spray can filled with a carbonated citrus-based liquid &/or a picture of a person on fire.

First: Dimensions don't just exist perpendicular with our own; they exist perpendicular to every point of our own. Therefore there are virtually an infinite number of dimensions.

Second: If you can open the thin layers that separate our dimensions, & you attempt to pull back a layer, you will only open one.

Third: It really depends where you start. Most people with the super power to be able to separate the thin layers between dimensions can open a layer with a finger or, at most, a grabby motion with the hand.

Fourth: There's no truth to the rumor that the better dimensions are accessible at groin level.

Fifth: Despite what one might think, dimensions being virtually infinite, & the ability separate the thin layers between them utterly contingent on the point at which you begin, it is entirely possible to avoid opening bad dimensions.

Sixth: Bad dimensions are the ones that can kill or otherwise hurt you.

Seventh: Bad dimensions are much, much easier to access than good dimensions. Which is to say, the thin layers that separate our dimension from bad dimensions are much easier to breach. Bad dimensions are shabbily kept.

Eighth: It is true that our dimension has a reputation for being a bad dimension.

Ninth: This may explain why so few being from the better dimension don't venture into ours terribly often.

Tenth: If you must travel into another dimension, good or bad, please make sure to leave open the thin layers that separate it from ours, or else you may never find your way back again. It's perfectly all right to pack a lunch.

More dimensional travel instructions may be available on tomorrow's Self Help Radio.

Sounding Like A Whiny Child Rethinking Its Options

Nothing puzzles more the inclusive mind than the frustrating possessive pronoun problem. To this day, it rankles to substitute the plural when not wanting to sound like a sexist dope. "If a person wants to use these facilities, they need to ask the manager on duty." How that grates. But you know what else grates? When people who should know better use the words "man" or "mankind" for the much more palatable "human" or "humanity." It seems just laziness or spite, if it's not outright hatefulness.

However, there isn't much of a problem with calling a single child "it," unless of course you know what gender it is. It might even be more offensive to assign it an arbitrary gender rather than waiting until one knows.

Also, lackluster cover versions of songs by performers who one knows can do a better job - a much better job - shouldn't be tolerated. The performers know who they are. It's simply irresponsible.

Further consideration of this post's title, which has generated eighty percent of its content, leads one to wonder perhaps if children ever reconsider their options. Would we let them? An acquaintance a few years ago referred to her child as a "little person." Never mind that the term was already in use for people of genetically short stature (there's even an organization called Little People Of America, although their web page hasn't been updated for three years), the acquaintance was attempting to stress to anyone unfortunate enough to be in earshot that her child was a person, damn it, just like grown-ups. Which seemed at the time saddening, since the poor little person probably wasn't getting a childhood as much as a little personhood. All those clinics & classes!

In any event, much like life, nothing has been resolved, nor any light shed on vexing problems. Apologies all around.

Whither Dimensions?

The scientifically correct guide to the first ten dimensions:

The first dimension: a dot, I guess.
The second dimension: flatland.
The third dimension: you're soaking in it,
The fourth dimension: time.
The fifth dimension: this is your four dimensions on drugs.
The sixth dimension: doubt.
The seventh dimension: what happens to you after you die.
The eighth dimension: what happens to you after what happens to you after you die.
The ninth dimension: what happens to you after you die, with commentary, deleted scenes & a gag reel.
The tenth dimension: space wars.

The next ten dimensions have not been validated scientifically but they have been color-coded. What really happens in those dimensions is just theory, although there's some guessing, too.

The eleventh dimension (the chartreuse dimension): Like standing in a long line except you're sitting & asleep.
The twelfth dimension (the off-white dimension): The feeling of being a tip jar.
The thirteenth dimension (the burnt umber dimension): In-between floors.
The fourteenth dimension (the other burnt umber dimension): Itchy.
The fifteenth dimension (the cheesecloth dimension): Inappropriate snuggling.
The sixteenth dimension (the holiday blue dimension): Cafeteria food.
The seventeenth dimension (the clear liquid dimension): What's that noise? Is that whining?
The eighteenth dimension (the bright fuchsia dimension): Lake house in a horror film. A very, very cliched horror film.
The nineteenth dimension (the evergreen dimension): No time.
The twentieth dimension (the pale red dimension): Dying FM Radio.

The other dimensions are discussed at great length in Dimension X. For those who can make it, please point your dimensional browsers there at the dimensional link now appearing in front of your computer. Please remember not to feed the computers in Dimension X. See you there.*

* & of course by "see you" I mean with my fifth eye.

Preface To Dimensions: Another Keen Observation About Those Joke Of The Day Emails

Almost exactly a year ago I talked about - on this here blog - those joke of the day emails one can subscribe to. I have one email account that I check irregularly which is kept nourished by daily infusions of that nonsense. So I read the awful humor, & the one today went something like this:

Some children are taken on a tour of the local police precinct to see what the working atmosphere of a cop is, or something like that. At one point in the tour, the cop shows them the ten most wanted criminals in the standard "wanted" poster format.

One precocious little pickle says to the cop, "Do you want to catch this one?"

Officer McTourguide replies, "Oh yes, he's a hardened criminal."

Says the tot, "Why didn't you just keep him after you took his picture?"

(Cue audience chuckling & going "awwww.")

I felt a weird shock of recognition - I realized something - as I read this, & here's what I discovered: these services are stealing jokes from children's comic books from the forties & fifties. You know, the Archie shit or Little Lotta or Richie Rich or comic versions of Looney Tunes or Walter Lantz or Terrytoons. Those are the kinds of jokes that ended up in the short six-panel one-page filler. Someone at "joke a day" has a stack of them he's had since his childhood - which are handy because he still lives at home - & he just tosses one in every three or four days.

Either that, or he's a big Bazooka Joe fan. You can just see the cop's feet in the air, with an exclamation point above his falling body, as the punchline is spat out.

It could be worse, I know - they could be dirty jokes. Stolen from Hustler magazine. From the 1970s.

Help! My pants are on fire!

Damn it! All that does is make people think I'm a liar! I'm not lying! My pants are on fire!

Let me take my burning pants off first - since no one wants to help me - there. Ooph. Great. They're ruined. & now I regret going commando today. & lest someone think that my pants caught fire because I told a lie - no. That particular canard, gleaned from a child's bit of taunting doggerel, has no basis in fact. Or else why don't the pants of every politician catch fire during every speech? Aha, you think if they believe what they say, even if it is a lie, for pants-igniting purposes, it may not be enough... Hmm.

Can I borrow your pants? Or would you happen to have a spare? I feel so naked here in the middle of your browser window - mainly because I AM naked in the middle of your browser window. Do you mind if I hide behind a bookmark or something?

Why my pants caught fire as you loaded this page I don't know. I just wanted to tell you that last night's episode of Self Help Radio, called somethingtown, is available for your aural edification at selfhelpradio.net. As an added bonus, the show Sugar Substitute finished the Indiepop Ds for me. That show is there too.

Please close this window now, or reload. I can sneak away during those times.

Gargle

I like to say the word "gargle." It's onomatopoeia. But it's not echoic - it's not the noise of gargling that made people call gargling gargling. It comes from the French word for throat.

When I was a kid, if I had to gargle something, I thought the rules were (in the absence of any adult telling me the proper way to gargle) that you had to try to say "gargle" while you gargled. So I naturally swallowed a lot of what I was gargling. I did that a lot when I was a kid - not gargled, but assumed there were certain rules that I followed which I mainly just made up. I think a lot of kids do that.

There'll be no gargling on Self Help Radio today which - you remember - is on 88.1 fm WMUL at 4pm rather than 6pm due to a soccer game being covered live at 7pm. So tune in if you can. This means you, all of Huntington. & some of Barboursville.

Swingin' Schedules

This only affects you if you live in Huntington, but due to a soccer game being aired on 88.1 fm WMUL tomorrow, Self Help Radio will be truncated to 90 minutes & air two hours earlier, at 4pm. Sugar Substitute will air at 5:30pm, & it's kinda important that it does, as the plan was to have the show - which is an indiepop show, after all - continue the Indiepop A To Z project by finishing the Ds. I so want to finish the Ds. You know?

So if you're in town, be aware. If you're not in town, you know where they'll end up the next day.

Excuse me, I must go read more disappointing news about American politics. I can't help it, I'm a disaster junkie.

Whither SomethingTown?

You know how you sometimes overexert yourself, most often physically, but sometimes mentally, & then a couple of days later some muscle or some other part of your body (could be your brain or your nerves) rebels & you've got this ache or pain or other condition that causes you to completely derail whatever plans you might have had because suddenly you have to deal with the excessive thing you did that, at the time, didn't cause any apparent discomfort but now, hours & maybe days after you finished it, it completely screws everything up?

Well, yes, it happens to me a lot but it has nothing to do with this week's theme.

This week is just an exploration of some adjective or noun or god forbid an abbreviation in front of the word "town." For example, & I never heard this once in my two decades living there, but imagine it was the hipster thing to do to call Austin "A-Town." Then someone wrote a song about it. Then the song was good, so I played it on my show. That's the idea behind this week's theme.

I specifically looked for that construction - I didn't look for town's nicknames, like "The Big Apple" or "The Armpit Of The Metroplex" (that's the nickname of my hometown of Garland, Texas) (or, if it isn't, it certainly should be) (& by the way, to give credit where it's due, I totally stole that from a Howard the Duck story written by the great Steve Gerber in which he calls Cleveland "the armpit of the universe"), I just looked for descriptions of towns in some way, avoiding more generic parts of towns ("downtown" or "uptown") & also just adding the word town to a named place ("London town" or "Chicago town"). It's very simple & the culling still left me with over seventy songs that I still have to sort out.

Other than that, what's up with you?