Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting

Someone told me today was the first day of Spring but Googly says it was Thursday.  Here's a question: does time even matter anymore?  Here's a follow-up: what the actual fuck?

Yesterday I said I'd try to get stuff done but I finished the night staying up really late & binging coronavirus websites & then watching two Cinemasins episodes about two movies I'll never watch.

That's no excuse but a good night's sleep would be nice.  I wonder what that would feel like in this day & age.

One thing I keep finding myself doing is hearing old classic rock songs from my youth in my head & revisiting them on Youtube.  Mostly it's a disappointment - I will for example like a section of the song but find most of it quite silly - especially noodly guitar solos - but mostly I'm surprised how many of them have lyrics I simply never quite knew.  Like the Elton John song after which this post is named.  Here's a little background:

The first album I ever owned, the first record that was exclusively mine, was Elton John's Greatest Hits.  I loved it mainly for the song "Rocket Man" (though I had yet to see William Shatner's definitive version) & possibly "Daniel," a song that always freaked me out for some reason.  Anyway, the song "Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting" - & yeah, I know it's "Alright," I just can't bring myself to use the incorrect grammatical word, I'm sorry - that song never really grabbed me, & part of the reason why that I heard the lyrics wrong.

"Saturday's night all right for fighting, get a little action in," is how it goes.  For some reason - might it be because I got the record in 1976? - I thought the song said, "even in an election year."  There was a part of my eight-year-old mind that somehow accepted the premise that you shouldn't fight in election years, but Elton John was arguing that that indeed was fine.  Wanna scuffle on a Saturday in 1968?  Totally cool.  Bash some brains between Friday & Sunday in 1972?  Go for it.  Beat up some drunkards on a weekend in 1980?  You can do it dude!  Eight year old me appreciated the specificity but found it a tad unrelatable.

How many lyrics have I heard wrong my entire life?  You could narrow it down to Elvis Costello lyrics & it would be a troubling number.

Not as troubling as the world is right now, & who knows, maybe my mind is attempting to comfort me with soothing sounds from my childhood.  They might have been soothing then, but of course old Gary does find a lot of them, as I said, a little silly.  Still, keep 'em coming.  It's a welcome respite from the news which has no hope for any of us in sight.

Wait, I shouldn't speak for everyone.  The very rich will come through this all right.  They always do.

Panic & Depression

People text me - some email me - it's really been just a couple of people - a couple of people have either texted or emailed me - they ask me how I'm doing.  I say I spend a lot of time feeling panicked & a lot of time feeling depressed.  My wife isn't a terribly empathetic person & she doesn't really know how to deal with me in times like this.  Of course, I've known her for almost twenty years, I don't expect her to.

There's Twitter, there's the news, there's online reading, there's Next Door dot com.  There's walking the dogs in glorious spring weather - it's supposed to rain in a few days, maybe that fix something with my mood - there's so many people at home, outside, they're walking their dogs, they're taking their kids to the park.  Some are truly foolish - my wife noticed people playing volleyball - at least ten people touching the same ball & batting it to one another - & she said, "The winner of that game is COVID-19."  We've stopped letting people pet our dogs - & the smarter people don't try.

Tonight I went to get some food at a vegan Chinese place & they basically made us pay over the phone & put the food out on a table in the foyer.  They texted us when it was ready.  That seems completely crazy.  But welcome to this world.

& everyone's saying it'll get worse before it gets better.  My god, look at Italy.

But as far as I know I'm healthy (probably not, but for now...) & I have stuff to do.  I finished my third Freeform prerecord, that was fun, maybe I'll share them on the website.  I will spend the weekend working on the Dickenbock Report.  Last week at this time - last week! - I had decided to stop doing Sugar Substitute because I was too exhausted.  Now I could have three episodes of that in the can.  But it's best to do it for Freeform - right now people are making cool mixes for rotation.  It's adventurous to listen now.

Okay, I'm going to try to forge ahead.  Try to get shit done.  Try not to be overwhelmed by this strange world we're going to have to live in for some time.  It's been a week!  Five days ago I waited in line at Costco for toilet paper.  I don't even want to repeat what I've read online today.  Although this article was a true fucking delight: Texas Antivaxxers Fear Mandatory COVID-19 Vaccines More Than The Virus Itself.  Really?  Holy shit.

Can I Tell You Something?

This might be weird.  I did it for so long.  But I don't really like prerecording my shows.

This is something I admit as I am actively prerecording shows for Freeform Portland, & as I plan to prerecord one or more Dickenbock Reports for KBOO.

Here's the thing: I don't want to do it for Self Help Radio.  I feel the need to apologize.  But I spent so long doing the show prerecorded, I simply prefer to do it live.

But I know I won't be able to do it live for a while.  So maybe - not do it?

Things are changing fast, my mind might change in a week.  But there won't be a new Self Help Radio - even as a podcast - next week.

That's what I wanted to tell you.  I hope that's okay.

It Felt Weird

Not doing a show today.  I'll podcast next week.  I'm making some freeform shows for random play on Freeform, maybe I'll share them on my web site.

Fuck, it's just generally weird out here.  I waited in line at Costco for toilet paper today.  & I suspect it will just get stranger.

Whither Virus Cancels Self Help Radio?

(Original image here.)

In case you haven't heard - or you haven't read this blog - both KBOO & Freeform Portland have closed their studios for the time being in response to the coronavirus.  This means I won't be able to do Self Help Radio this week or perhaps for several weeks.  (But you know me - I'll probably make a podcast next week.  The reason I didn't do it this week is because I was waiting to hear what the plan was for prerecords or other broadcast options, & I just got the news this morning.  Not enough time, alas, to make a podcast.)  Okay, most of this post is parenthetical.  That's bad writing, right there.

Yes, this is disappointing but I am 100% behind the decision at Freeform.  The news we get from the rest of the world is a horror story, & everyone is advising us to act as if we're already infected & that means not infecting anyone else.  That's a good idea & I am proud of the decisive action taken at both stations.  (I will have a prerecord of the Dickenbock Report for the week after next, although I'm not sure if it will air at its regular time at this point.)

This is a bummer but eventually this virus will be contained & we can go back to whatever semblance of normal is left.  I myself have been a bit depressed about it all but will do what I can to help.  I'll keep you apprised of any radio appearances I may have & most probably (like I said) will make a Self Help Radio podcast in a week.

Please take care of yourselves.

Preface To Surprise: Would It Surprise You If There Were No Self Help Radio This Week?

It wouldn't surprise me.

Yesterday I wrote:

I expect - despite how fucked up the world is right now - I expect I will be in the Freeform studios for Self Help Radio come Monday.

But don't quote me on that.  Everything is in flux, everything is completely crazy. 

The folks at Freeform closed the studios this afternoon.  I mentioned they were exploring remote broadcasting options, but one station Board member said "we aren't going to remote broadcast in the short term."  I have been waiting for a confirmation email, & I have been working on Self Help Radio, but I suspect that there won't be one this week.

There hasn't been any information from KBOO about submitting shows, either.  I spent most of today wondering what the next couple of months will mean for me, radio wise.  I suspect at some point in there I may be battling a virus - as will many others.

Surprise!  A radio show about surprise is (not surprisingly?) probably not going to happen!

Shutdown

Today I almost subbed a show on KBOO.  It was a folky show, they found a folky sub in time.  I was almost out the door when I heard someone more - is qualified the word? sure - more qualified than I was was available.  I confess I wasn't excited about subbing the show, but now I wish I had, because at the end of the day, KBOO closed the station to everyone but staff.

Now, I don't have a show scheduled on KBOO till a week from Thursday, & I will prerecord that.  I don't like to prerecord but I understand.  The same marching orders came down from XRAY - but as you know, I am no longer doing a show there.

& my beloved Freeform?  They are exploring options for remote broadcasting.  I hope that works out, although I am not sure how that will work.  But I expect - despite how fucked up the world is right now - I expect I will be in the Freeform studios for Self Help Radio come Monday.

But don't quote me on that.  Everything is in flux, everything is completely crazy.  I think it's amazing we're protecting ourselves but I fear the uncertainty will perhaps drive us even more insane.

But what the hell do I know?  I didn't expect this yesterday, what can I say about tomorrow?

Suspending My Sugar Substitute Campaign

This is so completely unimportant but so is this blog & all the radio shows I do.  Like you, I am worried about pandemic & I can't be sure what the future holds but let me, for a moment, pretend everything is normal, & talk about the dumb radio shows I do.

Radio shows.  Do you know, a year ago, the idea of having more than one show on more than one station was unthinkable?  I did a program called the Tuesday Morning Blend on KNON, & the station manager would have "fired" me - they used that term, although of course I didn't get paid for deejaying - if I had done another show at a different noncommercial station.  "They are our competition," he would say, even if it were a low-power station in Denton whose signal never reached Dallas County limits.

Which isn't to say that I had a chance to do a show on such a station.  While I was in the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex, there were three low-power fm stations at which I might have done a show.  One of them only played "local" music, which was a restriction that would've made it impossible for me to do Self Help Radio, & the other two never wrote me back.  The latter two seemed to be content to have a few live deejays & the rest of the time play random music from iTunes or whatever.

Ack!  I didn't mean this to be a complaint or a whine.  I just wanted to point out that the idea of me doing three radio shows on three different stations - with no complaints by the stations! - the Program Manager at KBOO said, "Hey, we're all in this together" - that is still a bit mind-blowing for me.

Even moreso is the fact that I am doing a show on KBOO.  Of the three stations at which I'm involved, KBOO is the most storied, & probably the most respected.  Certainly it's the most recognized, which might not mean anything, but when I say I do a show on KBOO, people know what I'm talking about.

In any event, even before the pandemic ratcheted up this week, I was feeling very exhausted doing Sugar Substitute on XRAY so soon after Self Help Radio on Freeform.  When I did the show from 6-8am, there were eighteen hours between the end of one show & the beginning of another.  That changed when the show was moved to 8-10am.  I was getting very little sleep & then rushing off to do another show.  & I felt the last few Sugar Substitutes were suffering from my inability to prepare well for them.

Something has happened, though, & it's not just the coronavirus.  In April, I am going to be doing the Dickenbock Report - which now airs Thursday mornings from 3-5:30am - on Tuesday mornings from midnight to 3am.  In addition to getting an extra half-hour - gulp! - I will be much earlier, when many more people might be listening.  (To be fair, I have listeners now - this morning I got three calls, more in one setting than I've ever gotten on my XRAY show.)

But Gary!  In April, you will have only fourteen hours between Self Help Radio & the Dickenbock Report!  Won't you be tired then too?

Yes.  But the Dickenbock Report will happen every other week.  & giving up my XRAY slot frees me to work more on the other two shows.  I honestly can't believe I'm saying this.  But I think it might be better to do just two shows instead of three.

Holy shit, the me in Dallas is like, What the fuck?  Do you know what you're giving up?

Yeah, I do.  I wrote the Program Manager at XRAY today, after I got an email from the Operations Manager saying that if deejays can prerecord their shows, they should do so.  I don't want to prerecord Sugar Substitute.  I hope I can resurrect it at a different time in the future.  It was the one place I could play new music, which I love to do.  (Maybe I can do it on Freeform during sub shifts now?)

Wow this is a lot of writing.  It's my way of saying goodbye to Sugar Substitute for now.  & to prepare for the Dickenbock Report on Monday nights/Tuesday mornings in April.

Now if you don't mind I need to drink a little to insure I have a decent amount of nightmares about COVID-19 tonight.

Self Help Radio 030920: Every Day

(Okay, what's with me & the movie posters?  Original image here.)

Wow!  For the fifth time in this show's - what is it now? - nearly eighteen year history, I managed to program an entire show with only songs that have as their title the show's theme.  Never mind that there are both "Everyday" & "Every Day" songs.  They are synonymous, & anyway, are you that much of a stickler?  Really?  The truth is, I didn't start out wanting to do the show that way - it just so happened I noticed an overabundance of songs called "Every Day" (or "Everyday" - actually there are more songs with that title although they do in fact mean "Every Day").  One thing led to another.  & I do like a challenge.

In addition to that, & interviews with silly people, I went out into the field - well, it was a dog park - off leash! - & asked folks about things they loved & hated every day.  That was fun, & I hope to do more of that sort of thing, but I'm convinced people think I'm a weirdo, so I try to make sure I have my dogs nearby to prove I have a reason to be there.  One woman thought I was from a right-wing radio show!

Anywhatever, the show can be listened to every day (not recommended) or any time you want (that's probably a better plan) at Self Help Radio dot net.  There's a username (SHR) & a password (selfhelp) but also that information is on the page so what's the big deal?  What happened on the show, as well as the songs that were played, is listed below.

Seriously, though, I couldn't do this show every day.  I am aware of that.

Self Help Radio Every Day Show
"Everyday" Buddy Holly _Not Fade Away: The Complete Studio Recordings & More_
"Everyday" Mack Self _The Sun Country Box_
"Everyday" Johnny Rivers _Johnny Rivers_

introduction & definitions

"Everyday" The Challengers _Witchcraft In The AirL Detroit Soul 1957-1962_
"Everyday" The Moody Blues _The Singles+_
"Every Day" Sandie Shaw _Nothing Comes Easy_
"Every Day" The Outcasts _Acid Visions: The Complete Collection, Vol. 2_
"Every Day" The Golden Dawn _Power Plant_

one of Gary's favorite words!

"Every Day" Sleepy Labeef _Larger Than Life_
"Everyday" The Climax Chicago Blues Band _A Lot Of Bottle_
"Everyday" Gil Scott-Heron _Small Talk At 125th & Lenox_
"Everyday" Dead Fingers Talk _Storm The Reality Studios...  Plus_
"Everyday" Rikk Agnew _All By Myself_

interview with expert millennials Alyssa & Jason

"Everyday" The Delmontes _Carousel_
"Every Day" Go Sailor _Go Sailor_
"Everyday" Ivy _Realistic_
"Everyday" Collette Carter _The New Stroboscopic_
"Everyday" Thee Headcoats _Beached Earls_

interview with sociologist Dr. Stang Foley

"Everyday" A Drag City Super Session _Tramps, Traitors, & Little Devils_
"Every Day" Sing Sing _Madame Sing-Sing_
"Every Day" The School _Wasting Away & Wondering_
"Every Day" The Sunbathers _A Weekend Away With..._

Marge Most interviews Parson Abernathy no she doesn't

"Everyday" Indian Jewelry _Free Gold!_
"Everyday" Keeps _Brief Spirit_
"Everyday" Sacred Paws _Strike A Match_
"Everyday" Weyes Blood _Titanic Rising_

conclusion & goodbye

"Everyday" Yo La Tengo _And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside-Out_
"Everyday" Saturday Looks Good To Me _Saturday Looks Good To Me_

Whither Every Day?

(Original image here.)

First, to assuage your fears: this show is not an announcement that Self Help Radio will be on every day.  Yes!  I can hear your sigh of relief.  I'm on the radio enough as it is - imagine if you had to suffer through daily episodes of Self Help Radio!  Don't you have enough to worry about as it is?

Second, I know a while back I did a show with the theme "the days of the week".  You might be asking yourself, "Isn't that the same as 'every day'?"  No, & you're overthinking it.  That show featured songs which happened to mention every day of the week.  This show simply features songs where people talk about things that happen every day.  Non-specifically.  It's different.  I swear.

Third - & I can't promise this will happen - but I might be able to do on this show what I have only done four times before - & that was when I did shows with the themes heaven, tell me, everybody knows, & hold on - I might be able to play nothing but songs with the theme as the title for the entire show.

There will be one catch - there are songs called "every day" & songs called "everyday."  I plan to play nothing but songs with those titles.  But are they the same title?  It's for you to decided.  I got nothing to prove.

Tomorrow!  Monday!  From 8-10am!  On Freeform Portland!  90.3 & 98.3 fm!  freeformportland.org!  It's not every day you hear a show like this!

Preface To Every Day: What Do You Do Every Day

That's an interesting question - what do I do every day?  I asked the internet that question & instead of some social or psychological answer, it proceeded to tell me what I should do every day.  For example, this web page from lifehack.org had thirty suggestions "that improve the quality of your life."  Let me go through the first few, may I?

1. Drink a cup of coffee or tea. The caffeine will help to give you a much-needed boost – and it is pretty delicious too!

Wow, is this web page sponsored by the coffee or tea industry?  I don't like hot liquids, & I try to stay away from caffeine if I could.  I do drink caffeinated sodas when I am up late/early to do radio, but luckily I haven't felt addicted so far.

2. Wake up earlier.

Spoken like someone who doesn't have to be awake at 3am to do a radio show.  & if you wake up earlier every day, won't you be waking up around your bedtime?

3. Clean out your email.

As someone who does this, I don't think it improves the quality of my life.  I'm just a tad OCD, & when I spend a few minutes to go through email, I often think to myself, "God, I'd be so much happier if have an inbox with a thousand emails in it didn't make me uncomfortable."

4. Make a friend smile.

All I can say is that my cats are humorless fucks.

5. Read the newspaper.

It's interesting it doesn't specify which newspaper.  I have a few I check out online, but most recently I've become aware of a local paper that seems to collect the most horrible stories you've read on Next Door.  If I read that every day, I'd be afraid to go outside.

6. Hug someone you are close to.

Again, I could use some new cats.

7. Have a quick tidy up if you have a few spare minutes.

Is this even English?

8. Write a diary entry or a blog post.

Sigh.

It is true that I don't write in this blog every day - I usually do it five days a week.  Isn't that enough?  Seriously.  Isn't it?

Or is it already too much?

SXSW & The Single Coronavirus

It really shocked me today when I found out they cancelled South By Southwest in Austin this year.  Until I discovered that the people behind South By Southwest didn't cancel the festival - the city of Austin did.  Read more here.

Which makes sense - South By Southwest (SXSW) makes millions of dollars for Austin, why in the world would any capitalist enterprise cancel any event for health reasons?  This is not to say it won't be without consequences - local businesses, especially local venues, will suffer the most.  They usually operated with such a slim profit margin, a music festival might float them for the rest of the year.  I have read reports about venues which have ordered lots of beer for the festival - which was to begin next week - who cannot return the order if there are not thousands descending on Austin for the week.

At the moment, I don't think I'm nervous about going to see shows - there are a few in March here in Portland I might want to see - but if this keeps happening, what will our future concert calendars look like?  Will the folks who bought wristbands & badges for SXSW be reimbursed for their purchase?  Will the folks who booked flights to Austin (& reserved hotel rooms) back out, or come anyway?  I had read that some bands cancelled their SXSW showcases - what about the bands that didn't?

Now, I know I don't live in Austin anymore, & none of this matters to me in the abstract (I most probably won't visit Austin ever again).  But I feel a strange kinship to the folks who live at the edges of the monstrosity that the South By Southwest music festival has become.

Mostly I want everyone to be safe.  Is this something that will become more awful with time?  If so, good!  Cancel the music festivals!  If not - well, let's be glad we were safe.  All the people I know in Austin will be safe.  That's good enough for me.

Corona

As is my wont, I discussed the coronavirus on Sugar Substitute this week, & it's something I read about occasionally (all right, constantly) when I am surfing the net.  Outside the world seems pretty much the same - spring is coming tentatively to Portland, people are still waiting for buses & walking their dogs & driving way too slow - but at Costco they were out of toilet paper (!) & as I was leaving I heard to employees say, "Well, that was the last of the Clorox wipes!"

Now it says twelve confirmed dead in the United States.  There are many cases just north & south of us here.  It's a bit frightening.  But, again, I am not seeing folks in masks, I don't know a person who's been unwell, & though I am taking precautions - wiping down consoles at the radio stations before I use them, for example - I feel a little silly doing so.

But, yes, I'm anxious about it.  I watched Bill Maher last Friday & he seemed a bit freaked out.  I watched John Oliver on Sunday & he was a bit more helpful.  In fact, I'm going to watch that segment again.  Want to watch with me?  Cool.

Self Help Radio 030220: Quite A Show

Yes, the first Self Help Radio on from 8-10am on Freeform was indeed "quite a show."  Do not make a drinking game out of the foul-ups, bleeps, & blunders, or you'll have alcohol poisoning before the second hour begins.  "Quite" as an adverb here can mean so many things, it's sweet if you assume it means something intensifying, as in "quite good," but more often than not, for this show anyway, it goes the other way: "that's not quite right."

Still, it was quite the time this morning, what with English computers interrupting, & old dissolute mentors calling in.  There was music, poetry, secret call-ins, & I almost - almost! - revealed Masonic secrets that probably would've gotten me killed, if not audited.

You can listen now at Self Help Radio dot net.  As always, it's quite inconvenient that you'll need to know a username & a password, but as usual it's SHR & selfhelp respectively.  What happens on the show - which too two hours, quite a lot of time! - is listed below.

All right.  That's quite enough for now.

Self Help Radio - Quite A Show
"Quite Early Morning" Pete Seeger _The Essential Pete Seeger_
"Quite Ugly One Morning" Warren Zevon _Mr. Bad Example_
"Quite All Right" The Reputations _Electric Power_

introduction & definitions

"Allright/Not Quite" The Apples In Stereo _The Discovery Of A World Inside The Moone_
"Not Quite Burning Bridges" Bunnygrunt _Wish I'd Kept A Scrapbook: A Tribute To Tullycraft_
"Quite Quieter Than Spiders" Joy Electric _The Ministry Of Archers_
"Quite Disappointing" 999 _The 999 Singles Album_
"Mary, Mary Quite Contrary" Ruff Diamond _Mary, Mary Quite Contrary_

an English computer interrupts!

"Quite Unrehearsed" Colin Newman _It Seems_
"Quite Ahead Of My Time" David Bowwow _439 Golden Greats: Never Mind The Originals Here's The HeeBeeGeeBees_
"Standing Quite A Long Way Away" Stephen Fry & Hugh Laurie _Saturday Live, Vol. 1_
"Almost But Not Quite There" Traffic Jam (Status Quo) _Quotations, Vol. 1: The Beginning_
"The Hour Of Not Quite Rain" Buffalo Springfield _Last Time Around_

idioms - with a Ned Dry interruption!

"Quite Content" The Soup Dragons _Scared To Get Happy (A Story Of Indie-Pop 1980-1989)_
"She Seems Quite Free" The June Brides _She Seems Quite Free_
"Not Quite Right" The Cannanes & Steward _Communicating At An Unknown Rate_
"Why I Am Quite Handy With The Ladies" Emo Philips _Live From The Hasty Pudding Theatre_
"Not Quite A Lady" Miss World _Keeping Up With Miss World_

Gary's old mentor, Pat "Stinky Pete" Millburn, calls in!

"I'll Never Quite Get Over You" The Hep Stars _We & Our Cadillac_
"Not Quite A Yes" Arab Strap _Philophobia_
"Quite Like You" Andy Shauf _The Party_
"Not Quite The Same" Temples _Hot Motion_
"Quite Unusual" Front 242 _Official Version_

conclusion & goodbye

"Quite Naturally" The Jellydots _Hey You Kids!_
"Quite Good Time" 50,000,000 Elvis Fans Can't Be Wrong _Baby Trash_
"Quite A Reputation" The Chymes _Girls In The Garage, Vol. 2_
"Quite Fast" David Moses & Group _Swinging London: The Accidental Genius Of Saga Records 1968-1970_
"Must Be Quite A Show" Marvin Gaye _Motown Unreleased 1964_
"The Picture Became Quite Clear" The Manhattans _With These Hands_

Whither Quite A Show?

(Informative information to inform you here.)

That's correct: this week's Self Help Radio theme is "quite a show."  Which means of course a bunch of songs that prominently feature the word "quite."  If you don't know how to use the word "quite," you will get many examples on this week's show, & you can also watch the video I linked to above.  It's actually quite entertaining & informative.

There's something else going on, of course - Self Help Radio is changing timeslots for the new Freeform Schedule (which began this morning at midnight!).  We're moving up from 6-8am to 8-10am.  & I felt it would be a good introduction to the show to any new listener to let them know that Self Help Radio is "quite a show" - but also that the show does dumb things like spend an entire show playing songs & talking about an adverb.  It does that from time-to-time.  That's how Self Help Radio rolls.  It's quite ridiculous.

The show is on tomorrow, Monday morning, new timeslot! from 8-10am on 90.3+98.3fm Freeform Portland freeform portland dot org.  Will it be quite entertaining?  With "quite" as the theme, it better be!

Preface To Quite A Show: No More Non Sequiturs For Me, Thanks

Back when I used to smoke - I used to smoke - I quit smoking a while ago, I think it must be over ten years now, although my smoking heyday was from 1995-2005 or so - about ten years as a moderately heavy smoker - a pack a day - more if I were out drinking - I remember one night hanging with my friend Molly I ran out of matches & so I kept lighting a new cigarette with the one I had been smoking & she said, "Gary! You're chain smoking!" - until then I don't think I knew what chain smoking meant - anyway, I quit around 2005 or so - it was Halloween, I remember - maybe 2006 - it was uncomfortable but after a couple of days I was fine - but I still kinda longed for a cigarette - & I took it up again in the summer of 2008 - at that point I was a "secret smoker" - I found quiet places to smoke & only told a few people I smoked - of course I smoked at home - I guess I was a smoker when I moved from Austin to West Virginia in 2009 but I don't remember smoking on the drive - I had to quit smoking for good in the fall of 2009 because of my health - so I suppose I smoked for eleven years? - I had a couple cigarettes since then - probably the last in 2012 or so - usually when I was drinking - if I smoked a cigarette sober I'd do two things immediately: I'd get incredibly nauseous & I'd really, really need to take a shit - I remember I had a cigarette in Atlanta in 2013 - I bummed it off a cute girl at a bar - it was something awful, like a Marlboro Light - I was drinking but the cigarette really fucked me up - my hands got numb - anyway - back when I used to smoke - as I was saying - what was I saying? - I was going to say something about what my life was like when I smoked - but the memories came flooding back & I can't remember now (ironically) what I was getting at when I wrote "back when I used to smoke" - there was a time when everyone smoked - I grew up in a haze of tobacco smoke - my mother smoked - nearly every one of my siblings smoked - it was stupid of me to take up smoking when I did but in a way - I suppose I might not be saying this if I had a condition like lung cancer or COPD caused by smoking - in a way I'm glad I was a smoker -  something about the experience is nice to have under one's belt - but I am far more glad that I no longer smoke - it's not worth the cost, financially & to your health - & I never feel like a non-smoker - I feel like an ex-smoker - it's funny, or maybe it's sad, it's funny & sad, near KBOO is what I think is a halfway house for women & children - there's no sign that says that, but that's because - especially if they come from violent homes - they usually don't advertise such places - anyway, they obviously don't allow smoking on the premises - so the women will find a place just outside the boundaries of the complex & they'll smoke there - sometimes it's like an open air cocktail party (without the cocktails) there are so many women just standing there smoking - & I try to not bother them - I will cross the street instead of having to walk through them - but there's a woman I've seen twice - none of these women seem older than thirty - there's a woman who I've seen standing there, smoking, looking at her phone, & she looks seven or eight months pregnant - & it bothers me but I have a confession to make - I was outside my work sometime earlier this century smoking & a woman stopped me & asked for a cigarette - I was never greedy, I always shared, what a merchant of death I was - & when I was lighting her cigarette, she told me she was three months pregnant - I know I should've knocked the cigarette out of her mouth & told her to go elsewhere - but instead I just said, "I guess I'm going to hell" - she tried to make me feel better but I felt awful - & I remember my mother telling me she never smoked when she was pregnant - & I don't know if I believe her - one of my brothers is so addicted that even after he had a stroke he continues to smoke - but what the fuck do I know about pregnancy, maybe it makes you have strength to do such things - in any event - I thought I'd remember what I was going to say but it doesn't look like I will - but I used to smoke - if there's anything to take away from this, it's that I used to smoke - & another thing - I don't miss it at all.  Not anymore.

Just Watched Tonight's Real Time With Bill Maher

& now I know I'm going to have nightmares about the coronavirus.

Yep, I'm going to spend the rest of night sipping whiskey & reading too much about this disease.  I'll try to stay away from alarmist websites.  But I make no promises.

Another thing: I need to clean the boards & the mics & the stuff I use at radio stations starting now.  That's what I will do.  Good lord.

Three Possible Flavors (Mostly Unpalatable)

Early Tuesday morning, when I was doing the show I do on XRAY, I came to a weird realization.  It may not seem like it, because all the shows I do have me in them, but I think there's three different (not wildly different, but perhaps demonstrably different) kinds of me who host the shows.

Take Sugar Substitute, the XRAY show.  I mainly just play music, but I jot down notes about the bands & will mention them (that band is from Philadelphia!) when I back-announce.  But more often than not, I'm not making much sense in a stream-of-consciousness style, somewhat like I used to do at KNON.  Basically, I won't stop talking.

This stands in direct contrast to The Dickenbock Report, which, since it's supposed to be a kind of newscast, is pretty scripted.  I ad-lib a little, but mainly I'm reading during airbreaks.

Self Help Radio is a mix of both - there's not always a lot of time to completely off the rails like I do on Sugar Substitute, but I'll sometimes find myself doing that.  But since there's usually some information I'd like to convey, I do have notes I have taken, which I attempt to read.  But a lot of it is me clumsily riffing.

That was a weird thing to come to terms with - the fact that I have different approaches for different shows.  My brain just said to me, "If I ever get a fourth show..."  & then there was just screaming, screaming from everywhere, inside & out.

Self Help Radio 022420: Bees Revisited

(Look at that beauty.  Original image here.)

This was a bittersweet show to do.  It was by request from Freeform deejay Jaxxmaster Kevrock - the fellow whose show has followed Self Help Radio for the past six months - & it turns out it's his last show for a while.  He's taking six months off (that's the length of the Freeform schedule).  He will be missed!

So I'm glad I did the show when I did!  I wish I had recorded his first airbreak - Kev is actually a beekeeper & he said some powerful things about bees.  Instead, all you get is my silliness & lots of songs about bees.  By the way, for the record, the show is about 33% new.  I suspect if I hadn't relied so much on the original show, I might have found many more new bee songs.  As it happened, there are ten songs I didn't play on the original, & I think that's grand.

Listen to the show now at Self Help Radio dot net - pay attention to the username & password info (it's SHR & selfhelp).  See what you'll hear on the show below.

& for fuck's sake save the bees!

Self Help Radio Bees Show Revisited
"Why Does A Bee Buzz?" Marais & Miranda _More Nature Songs_
"Busy Bee Boogie" Hal Serra & Carol Mark _Animal Hootenanny_
"Buzz Buzz Buzz" Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers _Back In Your Life_
"Honey Bee" Mountain Man _Made The Harbor_

introduction & definitions

"Flight Of The Bumble Bee" Harry James & His Orchestra _Swingin' The Classics_
"Be My Little Baby Bumble Bee" Julie London _Swing Me An Old Song_
"Honey Bee (Keep On Stinging Me)" Diana Ross & The Supremes _Love Child_
"Bee Sting Stings" Tullycraft _City Of Subarus_
"Honeybee" Girlfrendo _One_

interview & performance by beetronica musician Oscar Maize

"Me & The Bees" The Softies _Holiday In Rhode Island_
"Like A Honey Bee (Honey Bee)" The Carousel _abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz_
"Bees" The Hepburns _In The Mean Time_
"One Bee At A Time" Negativland _True False_
"A Sleepin' Bee" Nancy Wilson & Cannonball Adderly _Nancy Wilson/Cannonball Adderly_

interview with millennial experts Alyssa & Jason

"Beehive" Boss Hog _Boss Hog_
"Taster Of The Honey (Not The Keeper Of The Bee)" The Jones Girls _The Music Merchant Story_
"Bee Kind To The Bugs" Culture Abuse _Bay Dream_
"The Bees (The Bees)" His Name Is Alive _Stars On ESP_
"Honey Bee" Johnny Johnson & The Bandwagon _The Golden Torch Story (A Collection Of 18 Classic Northern Soul Shakers)_

interview with Rev Dr Howard Gently (replay)

"Honey Bee" Jon & Robin _Elastic Event_
"The L.S. Bumble Bee" Peter Cook & Dudley Moore _We Can Fly, Vol. 1_
"Beeswing" Richard Thompson _Mirror Blue_

interview with master beekeeper Lana "Swarmy" Swarms

"Beestung" Kristin Hersh _Hips & Makers_
"Tumble Bee" Karl Blau _Shell Collection_
"Humble Bee" John Wesley Harding _The Confessions Of St. Ace_
"I'll Be The Bee" Ruth & Al _Crescent City Soul: The Sound Of New Orleans 1947-1974_

conclusion & goodbyes

"Sweet Honey Sucking Bees" W. H. Auden _An Evening Of Elizabethan Verse & Its Music_
"Queen Bee" John Lee Hooker _The Classic Early Years 1948-1951_
"New Bumble Bee" Memphis Minnie _Queen Of The Country Blues: All The Published Sides 1929-1937_
"Beehive (feat. Tony Allen, Akenya Seymour, & Isaiah Oby)" Chicago Afrobeat Project _What Goes Up_

Whither Bees (Again)?

(Image from here.)

The reason why Self Help Radio's show this week is about bees is very simple: someone asked me.  Yes, someone said, "I hear you on the radio all the time saying if I'd like you to explore a theme, just ask, & so, I'd like you to do a show about bees."

But there was a twist!  I had already done a show about bees, back in 2016, on a station in Kentucky!

But there was another twist!  That show was done nearly four years ago & over two thousand miles away.  The chances of anyone in Portland ever having heard that show were infinitesimal.  (The chances of anyone having heard it at the time were also vanishingly small.)  So why revisit the theme?  Update it, if you will, with some new songs & new interviews!

& that's what will happen.  Tomorrow morning, Monday, February 24, from 6-8 am, on Freeform Portland, 90.3 + 98.3 fm, freeformportland.org - a show about bees.

You know, I could've done a show about honey or something - made it somewhat new.  But nope!  I wanted to revisit the theme!