Preface To... Wait A Minute! Did I Make A Scheduling Error?

Oh no!

Every year for a long time - since 2004, when the show was barely two years old - I've been celebrating my beloved's birthday with songs about birthdays.  Her birthday is on December 1st, but for some reason this year I scheduled her birthday show on December 3rd.

(My show will obviously not fall on her birthday, since it'll be a Saturday.)

Here's the problem: like with holidays, if you can't celebrate them on the day, it's much much better to celebrate them before than after.  Who the hell wants to open up Christmas presents on December 28th?

I made a ridiculous mistake by scheduling my sweetheart's birthday show two days after her birthday.  So I will do a birthday show for her this Monday.

The list of upcoming shows has been officially swapped out on the official website, which I suppose makes it official.

The worry show will happen next week, don't worry!

But This Is What I Have To Say About Airports

I am a little depressed that I've reached an age where I go to airports instead of bus stations.  From the age of 18 until 25, when (at the time) you could legally rent a car, I rode buses back & forth all across Texas.  Mostly these bus rides were uninteresting, but I did have some minor adventures.  I met a sad divorcee running from her husband on a bus ride from Laredo to Austin, who might have wanted to kiss me if I had shown any interest.  I watched a crazy person get kicked off a bus somewhere near Temple - after the bus driver took pity on the person, who was hitchhiking, & let him get on the bus for free.  (The bus driver didn't know he was also welcoming this oaf's bottle of cheap hooch.)   Outside the big bus terminal in Dallas, I was either mistaken for a narc - or almost set up for an arrest - by a fellow who dropped a bag of pot in front of me as I passed.  Needless to say, I did not pick up the bag on the ground.  I started to say something like, "Hey! You dropped something!" but quickly realized the situation was hinky & walked on.

Airports used to be fun.  It was fun to meet a loved one at the gate.  I knew some people who'd go to airports after hours to shoot dumb drunk movies.   Airports lost their shit over ten years ago but I remember going to the bar to sit & wait for someone.  Now it's all baggage claim.  Everyone gathered at baggage claim.  Often at the bottom of an escalator.  It's stupid & unromantic.

More than that, I just don't like airports.  I am more comfortable with vending machines than I am with franchise restaurants.  I like that you can survey an entire bus terminal (well, at least in the South) with a glance; an airport occupies huge acreage.  & let's face it - you feel safer in a bus terminal.  Except for that one movie - jeez, was Denzel Washington in it? what is the name of that film? - no one's really thinking about blowing up buses.  No one.

(I just did a google search.  It's a Don Cheadle film, actually, called "Traitor."  It's not bad.  Sorry for the mix-up.)

Planes are somewhat more convenient than buses, it's true.  A trip from Lexington to Dallas takes 19 hours (!) & costs nearly two hundred bucks.  The same trip costs twice as much - & has an annoying connection in some random city, often in the opposite direction where you're heading - but takes six or seven hours.  That wins!

Even if it means spending downtime in airports.  Which are some of the saddest, loneliest places on the planet.

Thansk!

I don't believe in anything supernatural to whom I could "give thanks" but I can say a brief "thank you" to anyone who has taken the time to sit & listen to my ridiculous little radio show.  I very much appreciate it, & wish I could somehow make it better, since you probably deserve better.

So thank YOU today.  I'm a little worried that you do listen - but I am glad you do.

Table For You

Yeah, I did a show about tables.  Is there anything else to say about that?

I didn't think so.

You can listen to it now at the the Self Help Radio website.  It's in two parts - like one of those tables you can add a middle part to to make it longer.  Part one is over on this side & part two is over on that side.  There is an invisible table below which says what's in each part.

As always, thanks for listening!

(part one)

"The Table" The Beautiful South _Quench_
"Table" Fuck _Those Are Not My Bongos_
"The Table" Sonny James _Young Love: The Complete Recordings 1952-62_

"You Turned The Tables On Me" Billie Holiday _Solitude_
"Tables Are Turning" Brenda Lee _Little Miss Dynamite_
"Turn The Table" Kleenex/Liliput _Kleenex/LiLiPUT 1978-1983_
"Tables Turning" Modern English _After The Snow_

"Coffee Table Song" Edwyn Collins _Hope & Despair_
"Diplomatic Dining Tables" Gloria Cycles _Campsite Discotheque_
"Card Table" Holly Golightly _Singles Round-Up_
"The Periodic Table" Death By Chocolate _Bric-a-Brac_
"Under The Table With Her" Sparks _Indiscreet_

(part two)

"Crumbs From The Table" Young Disciples _Eccentric Soul: The Young Disciples_
"Crumbs Off The Table" The Glass House _Inside The Glass House_
"Fight At The Table" Chris Bell _I Am The Cosmos_
"Knives On The Table" California Oranges _Souvenirs_
"You Take The Table" Miki & Griff _A Little Bitty Tear: The Pye Anthology_

"One Table Away" Toussaint McCall _Nothing Takes The Place Of You_
"Table For One (Live)" Darren Hayman & The Wave Pictures _Madrid_
"On The Table" A.C. Newman _The Slow Wonder_
"That Girl Who Waits On Tables" Ronnie Milsap _The Essential Ronnie Milsap_
"Hands Across The Table" Fats Domino _The Original Rock & Roll Classics_

"Knights Of The Round Table" Monty Python _Monty Python Sings_
"Tables & Chairs" Nits _Work_
"Table Top Joe" Tom Waits _Alice_
"Get To The Table On Time" M. Ward _Transfiguration Of Vincent_

Whither Tables?

My wife is a notorious cheapskate.  A skinflint.  A tightwad.  A penny pincher.  (She once called herself a spendthrift, thinking it was synonymous with "thrifty," but she's actually the opposite of that.)  Her cheapness is astonishing, & I have a lot of fun teasing her by pretending to want to buy expensive, ridiculous things, which - because she's miserly & that overpowers her sense of humor - tends to make her quite upset.  Just saying things like, "It's only five hundred dollars" causes her to break into spasms of fear & anger.

Unless - of course - it's something that she wants.  Like our house.  It was "worth the price."  I can sometimes agree with her on things like that.  Except.

Except our dining room table.

It cost a lot.  It cost a little too much.  We don't eat off it, except when we have guests.  We have guests maybe every other month.  I put things on it that I can't put on my desk.  I think it annoys my wife.  But what can she do?  We're not otherwise using the table.

I dedicate tomorrow's show, about tables, to my wife's expensive table.  The show is on from 7 to 9 am tomorrow morning, Monday, on 88.1 fm in Lexington, & online at WRFL dot fm.

When I come home, I put the recording of the show on that table.  Sometimes it gets buried under stuff. I'll put it on the Self Help Radio website as soon as possible - otherwise it may get buried!

Preface To Tables: My Favorite Table

It's this one:

Toothless

Like everyone else, I've dreamt of losing my teeth, though not anywhere near as horrifying as Charlie just pulling his teeth out quizzically in It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.  I at least feel justified in worrying about my teeth just falling out because I have terrible teeth.  I have managed to salvage most of mine (I have only had to have one pulled) which is so incredibly fortunate since I'm pretty sure I didn't see a dentist before I was twenty-two years old.  (My mother had other priorities.)

It's hard to find data about people dreaming of losing their teeth but it's not hard to find out what that's supposed to mean.  Humans really need to have their dreams mean something, which is part & parcel of the hubris of our species, & the web insists that losing teeth means either "embarrassment" or "losing faith."  Not only are those two things completely unrelated, I should think it's not at all embarrassing to "lose faith."

(The Devil's Dictionary defines faith as "belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.")

It's far more easy to find figures about how many people no longer have teeth, & it's a little frightening: one quarter of adults in the United States over the age of 65 have lost all their teeth.  That's more terrifying to me than dreams of teeth falling out or, worse, being loose in my mouth, because it seems far more likely to happen to me.  Two decades is a long time to neglect one's teeth.

Luckily I am not a patient at the hella sarcastic Doon South Dental in Kitchener, Ontario, which has this hilarious article entitled How To Get Rid Of Your Teeth on their website.  It's a scream.

I won't sleep well tonight.

Another Recommendation? For reals?

I can't recommend this - I haven't heard it yet - but look what I have espied:

Toy Love!  Live At The Gluepot 1980!  Info here!

Holy jumpin jeebus on a rhinoceros horn!  That's the best news I've heard all week!

An Invisible Show

I bet you didn't see this show coming.  I personally couldn't see the point.  Still, the show listed some things you can't see & some super-heroes who can turn invisible.  Also, an invisibility spell!  Really!  Plus many songs about being invisible - literally or metaphorically.

The show can be seen at the highly visible Self Help Radio website.  If you'd rather not be seen there, you can download the show (it's in two parts) by clicking here for part one & here for part two.  Can't see what's in both parts?  That's because it's at the end of this blog post!

Thanks for listening!

(part one)

"Invisible" Lenny Miles _The Best Doo-Wop Of Scepter Records_
"Invisible" Poprace _Clear EP_
"Invisible" The Forever People _Invisible_

"Invisible Man" Holger Czukay _Good Morning Story_
"Invisible Man" Breeders _Last Splash_
"The Invisible Man" Elvis Costello _Punch The Clock_
"An Invisible Man" Nick Todd _Pat Boone's Little Brother - Rockin' Classics_
"The Invisible Man" Milky _Travels With A Donkey_

"The Invisible Man & The Unforgettable Girl" Bill Nelson _Blue Moons & Laughing Guitars_
"Invisible Girl" The King Khan & BBQ Show _Invisible Girl_
"The Invisible Girl" Fonda _Moshi-Moshi: Pop International Style_
"The Invisible Dog" Electrelane _Rock It To The Moon_

(part two)

"To Be Invisible" Curtis Mayfield _Sweet Exorcist_
"Spell One - The Invisibility Cloak" Plusquam Workshop _Workshop - Teen Witch_
"My Invisible Friend" The Bartlebees _What Is It All About?_
"Invisible People" Hamilton Streetcar _Highs In The Mid-Sixties, Vol. 3: L.A. '67, Mondo Hollywood À Go-Go_
"Dodging Invisible Rays" Guided By Voices _Demons & Painkillers_

"Invisible Tears" Ned Miller _From A Jack To A King_
"Invisible One" Tanya Donelly _This Hungry Life_
"She's Invisible Now" Eurthymics _In The Garden_
"Invisible Sun" The Police _Ghost In The Machine_

"Uptown Invisible" Moose _Uptown_
"Invisible Ink" Sweet William _Ambiguous_
"Invisible State" Bill Pritchard _3 Months, 3 Weeks & 2 Days_

Whither The Invisible Show?

You might enjoy this fellow, John Lloyd, as he does a TED talk on inventorying the invisible.  It will get you in the mood for tomorrow's show.

Tomorrow's show will be invisible, as all radio shows are, but you can hear it - it's noisy as hell - by listening in Lexington at the 88.1 fm frequency.  It will also find its way into the internets & you can listen online at the WRFL web page.  Why, it will probably even end up eventually on the Self Help Radio web site, which is visible to the untrained eye.

I sometimes believe I am only visible when I'm on the radio - you know, when no one can see me.

Preface To The Invisible Show: Did I Recommend A Record This Week Of Did It Disappear?

Last week - here, in fact - I responded to someone who had asked me, "If you have a blog about your radio show, why don't you talk about records - reviews, etc. - on it?"

My answer is mainly this: I don't talk about anything on the blog!

But I thought I might make tentative steps toward such a thing - as if anything I say could really matter - by just telling about something I heard & liked & have been listening to during the week.

This week it's this:

It's a record by an English fellow (who was raised in Scotland) who's known primarily as an artist - he won the Turner Prize!  It's quirky indiepop - something I like a lot.

There!  Have a recommendation!

Feet!

I thought I'd get off on the wrong foot in November with a show about feet.  Though I risked alienating the more unstable sort of podiatrist, I went ahead & asked (also I answered) difficult questions like: is it important to have a good-fitting shoe? what is wrong with foot fetishists? what are the major ailment of the foot?  I thought I stumbled, but the show stood on its own two feet.

The show is at the Self Help Radio website letting the grass grow under its feet.  You can listen to it in two parts (which are detailed below): right foot & left foot.  I think the left foot is longer than the right.  Hey!  Sometimes that happens.

Thanks for knocking me off my feet again!

(foot one)

"You Need Feet" Bernard Bresslaw _Classic British Comedy_
"Happy Feet" Paul Whiteman & His Orchestra _The History Of Pop Radio (1930-1932)_
"My Pal Foot Foot" The Shaggs _The Shaggs_

"Get On The Good Foot" James Brown _Star Time_
"Foot Stompin'" The Underbeats _The Soma Records Story_
"Cold Feet" Ronnie Whitehead _Eccentric Soul: Mighty Mike Lenaburg_
"Feet Start Walking" Doris Duke _I'm A Loser_
"Knocks Me Off My Feet" Stevie Wonder _Songs In The Key Of Life_

"The Flat Feet Floogie" Slim & Slam _Slim Gaillard 1937 - 1938_
"Henry's Got Flat Feet (Can't Dance No More)" Hank Ballard _Sexy Ways: The Best Of Hank Ballard_
"Reggae Feet" Lloyd Williams _Studio One Funk_
"Foot Apple" Coyle & Sharpe _On The Loose_
"Two Left Feet" Richard Thompson _Watching The Dark: The History Of Richard Thompson_

(foot two)

"Barefoot Baby" Janis Martin _Western Dance, Vol. 1_
"Barefootin'" Robert Parker _Beg, Scream, Shout: The Big Ol' Box Of 60's Soul_
"Dancing Barefoot" Patti Smith Group _Outside Society_
"Who's Gonna Shoe Your Pretty Little Feet" Woody Guthrie _Some Folk_
"Bigfoot" The Legendary Jim Ruiz Group _Sniff_

"Cushion Foot Stomp" Clarence Williams' Washboard Band _Clarence Williams 1927_
"Don't Let The Rhythm Go To Your Head (Let The Rhythm Go To Your Feet)" Fletcher Henderson _Fletcher Henderson & His Orchestra_
"Your Feet's Too Big" Fats Waller _Ain't Misbehavin'_
"Tap Your Feet (& Go Bo-De-Do-De-Do)" New Vaudeville Band _Winchester Cathedral_
"Happy Feet" 8 1/2 Souveniers _Martini Musique_

"Kick That Little Foot Sally Ann" Round Robin _Hearing Is Believing: The Jack Nitzsche Story 1962-1979_
"Throw Your Foot" The Cure _Join The Dots_
"Eyes Grow Feet" Hummingbirds _Va Va Voom_
"Falling Off Of My Feet Again" Siddeleys _Slum Clearance_

I Know, I Know

I haven't put up this week's show on the website.  I guess the week just walked away from me.  Get it? The show was about feet?  It walked away?

Cripes.

Anyway, I am putting it on the list of things I need to do tomorrow.  I will do it tomorrow.  I wish that someone actually wanted to hear the show after it aired, because then I'd feel a bit of pressure to actually take the time to put it up on the website.  But since no one does, since it's about my own obsessive desire to follow rules I put in place for myself years ago, it's easy to shirk when other things - less important things (if you can believe that) to be sure - take up my time.  Like spending all night Tuesday watching election returns until 2am.  Stuff like that.

I need to get my life in order.

Whither Feet?

Feets don't fail me now!

I just realized there are too many foot-related idioms to really even begin to talk about tomorrow on Self Help Radio.  I may just have to talk about foot ailments instead.

I better go write some things down.

Listen!  Tomorrow morning from 7 to 9 am on 88.1 fm WRFL in Lexington - online at WRFL dot fm - & hopefully I'll put the show online later that day at the Self Help Radio website.

I hope to put my best foot forward tomorrow!

Preface To Feet: The Importance Of Good Shoes/Foot Fetishists

I can't decide what I want to talk about most on Self Help Radio this week: the importance of good shoes, or foot fetishists.

This article says "it's important to wear good shoes, as the foot along has more than 25 percent of the body's collected bone mass."  (My wife, who is an anatomist, says that's bullshit, by the way.)

But!  The Wikipedia's article on foot fetishism says "it is the most common form of sexual fetishism for otherwise non-sexual objects or body parts."

That's pretty amazing.

I'm torn.

The Constant Struggle To Get One's Act Together

I can't understand how everyone has time to check their social media - their Facebookers, Twitters, Instant Gram, Bloggering, Tumblering - & I have more time than most!

Occasionally when I am wandering around & have my cell phone with me, I check my Twitter feed.  Usually, I am entertained, but I never really have anything to add, & so it's something of a passive medium for me.  I don't keep up the Self Help Radio Tumblr blog, & I feel bad about that.  I have fallen behind on Facebook.  & I try to write in this blog, even if - as per usual - I have nothing to say.  But where does the time go!

For me, there's a great satisfaction - even if it has affected my girth - in cooking.  It keeps Mrs. Self Help Radio happy, which should be pleasure enough, but I find joy in trying new things out - especially if they turn out all right.

Fuck you baking!

The wife was a passable cook, but she had a tendency, like a satellite's orbit decays, to make the meals just a little more sloppily each time.  I want to be able to either make the same recipe as great as it was the best time, or better.  I think that, since I'm never going to be a musician, or an actor, my cooking is a little like learning an instrument or memorizing lines.

It doesn't explain why I can't regularly update my life on Twitter, but it's the start of an excuse, anyway.

Is It Time To Start Recommending Records?

Someone asked me the other day why, since I have a blog for my radio show, I don't do what other people do who have one of those, which is talk about/review records here.  After all, I play new music on my show & I'm not terribly genre specific, so doubtless I listen to a lot of music - why not hype it up on this website?

The answer is in two parts.  One, I'm not a writer & even though I "review" records for WRFL, I'm not writing anything that I expect to publish.  Honestly, I'm surprised when my scribblings make any sense.

Two, I kind of think that the music I play on my is the best way to tell you what I like.  There are artists - a lot of them - which you'll never hear on Self Help Radio, & that's because I don't think they're any good.  It's sometimes heartbreaking to tell that to someone who suggests a song for one of my themes, but it's true - I don't have to play music I don't like, so I don't.

I'm not above saying what's making me happy at the moment, though, so perhaps I'll do that on Thursdays for a little while.  Maybe over time I'll be comfortable enough to write something that will resemble a review or at least some discussion of why I like what I like.

So today I recommend the new album by Talk Normal, which is called "Sunshine."  I think it's a record with super powers.  If you know how to get them to Lexington, that would be amazing.  The record looks like this:

I like it a lot.  Might you?

Don't Go To Sleep!

Here's this year's Halloween show, about nightmares, wherein I play lots of nightmare songs & also talk about why we have bad dreams.  After you listen to this show, though, you should sleep like a baby.

The show is in two parts, naturally, described below.  Part one is here & part two is here.  The entire show is at the Self Help Radio website.  Heck!  You can even listen to last year's Halloween show for a little while longer (it's about graveyards).

I hope it's sufficiently spooky.  Please enjoy.

(part one)

"Nightmare" Boris Karloff _Tales Of The Frightened, Vol. 2_
"The Nightmare" Cab Calloway _1930-1931_
"Nightmare" The Sinners _Bomp In The Night_

"Nightmare" Scottie Stuart _Monster Bop_ there i was in a strange & distant land
"Psycho Nightmare" Daniel Johnston _Fun_
"Nightmare On My Street" DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince He's The DJ, I'm The Rapper_
"Lullaby To Nightmares" They Might Be Giants _Long Tall Weekend_
"Like A Nightmare" The Andantes _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 4: 1964_

"Lord Chancellor's Nightmare Song" Todd Rundgren _Todd_
"Nightmare Mash" Billy Lee Riley _These Ghoulish Things: Horror Hits For Halloween_
"Another Velvet Nightmare" Frank Black _Honeycomb_
"Nightmare" The Rebel Set _Garage Monsters - The Best Of The GaragePunk Hideout, Vol. 9_
"Nightmares In Red" The Brain _Rubble Vol. 2_

"Happy Nightmare Baby" Opal _Happy Nightmare Baby_

(part two)

"Nightmare" Chuck Armstrong _Shackin' Up_ i woke up this morning from a deep sleep
"Lulu's Nightmare" The Jazz Butcher _Illuminate_
"Let It Be A Nightmare" The Bran Flakes _I Remember When I Break Down_
"Nightmares" Jay Reatard _Blood Visions_

"Nightmare" Moving Parts _Wrong Conclusion_
"I Got Nightmares" Q65 _Revolution_
"Nightmare" The*Rock*A*Teens _Cry_
"Nightmares" Creation _Our Music Is Red With Purple Flashes_
"Nightmare" Jack Turner _Haunted Halloween, Vol. 1_
"Nightmare" Kimberley Rew _The Bible Of Bop_

"Wet Nightmare" The Cramps _Big Beat From Badsville_
"Nightmares" Violent Femmes _3_
"Johnny Nightmare" The Secret History _The World That Never Was_
"The Nightmare Goes On" Piano Magic _Ovations_

Whither Nightmares?

It's becoming increasing difficult to make Halloween shows.  There are only a few Halloween themes, & I waste some of them like I did a couple of weeks ago & do a show about spiders too far ahead of Halloween to count.

What themes have I covered?


In 2003, it was just "Halloween."
In 2004, I didn't do a Halloween show.
In 2005, the show was about vampires.
In 2006, the show was about monsters.
In 2007, the show was about zombies.
In 2008, the show was about witches.
In 2009, the show was about werewolves.
In 2010, the show was about haunted houses.
In 2011, the show was about graveyards.

I am getting more abstract as time goes by, it seems.

Some nice person suggested a show about "creepy crawlies," which seems eminently do-able.  More problematic is a show about "Japanese monsters."  I think next year I'll do a show about voodoo!

You can wake up screaming tomorrow morning at 7am on 88.1 fm in Lexington - or online at the WRFL website, or you can wait until later when I put it up at Self Help Radio Dot Net.  Just in time for Halloween!  I promise!

Preface To Nightmares: On The Way Back From Atlanta

I will be home tonight & will hopefully have time to work on my show but mainly I'll want to cuddle with all my animals at home.

The drive from Lexington to Atlanta is a straight shot down I-75 & if you're somewhere near the Tennessee/Kentucky border around thereabouts - you're driving over some of the Appalachians I believe - the trees this time of year look scrumptious.  I can't share any pictures because I was driving & that would be unsafe, taking pictures from a moving car with all those unsafe Kentucky drivers around!  Do you think I have a death wish or something?

(Don't answer that.)

I had the chance today, when someone said, "It goes without saying," to interrupt & say, "Then don't say it!"

I've always wanted to do that.