Thursday, April 26, 2007

What To Expect & When To Expect It

Because I am on the radio, people expect me to know virtually everything about everything. I surprise them because I do. Ta-da! I know virtually everything about everything. It's just how you define "virtually." & "about." & "everything."

Much buzz has been generated in my own head this past week about my triumphant return to the airwaves to do Self Help Radio once again. Sure, many lives were lost in the crazy coup d'etat my foes from NPR & the "Everything 99¢" chain stores waged to get me off the air. They're still cleaning all the blood & raisins out of the carpet at KOOP. But though I was forced to retreat for a week, I am returning this Friday, like MacArthur to the Phillipines. & everyone agreed that the radio show MacArthur did the night of his return was the best radio show of his long career.

Not many people have written me to ask, "Gary, do you forgive your enemies for their ridiculous attempt at depriving the world of your genius?" Of course not. They are my enemies & we have an agreement. Besides, it's come to my attention that many religious figures urged forgiveness, & none of them ever had a radio show. There's a correllation there if you squint hard enough & have someone tap you incessantly on the forehead at the same time. I won't be drowned in the mistakes of the past, any more than I'll be clotheslined by the errors of the present. Right now, my concern is for the catastrophic boo-boos of the future.

Tomorrow is the new tomorrow; yesterday is yesterday's yesterday. The days of the week shall be renamed with the names of species of bees that are dying off. Please let me know when they announce the end of the world - I will therefore be able to start smoking again with impunity.

Ah, Self Help Radio. You are again safe, protected & loved. Let us converge in twenty-four hours, at the four-thirty time slot, & see what we can see. Embrace me! Embrace us all!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Whither Indiepop A To Z # 8

Why make lists at all? Why best ofs and worst ofs & top tens? Could there be something wrong with it all?

The first "best of" list was not, as many have supposed, the Top Ten Best Laws Of The Land by Hammurabi, who, & many people don't know this, was also a disc jockey on the weekends. No, the oldest & among the best "best of" lists was a series of rocks, flower parts, animal guts & strangely-shaped twigs, made by none other than Lucy - the fossil of her "best of" list was found with her fossil, meaning she was probably obsessing over something when she died. Who's to say?

But is the Indiepop A To Z a list or merely an attempt to make some kind of "encyclopedia"? The folks over at probably didn't think their list of indiepop bands was definitive. They just wanted people to see what an example of indiepop was. Leave it to a freak like me...

Someone has probably guessed right now what the whole point is: it's a chance for a lazy deejay (me) to show off what a large record collection he has (duh) by following some dumb list. I'm sure someone's done it for all kinds of genres. I just happen to be doing it now. & even though it's a sign of laziness, BOY is it exhausting.

I thought of something funny just now. If you collapse "record collection," you get "recollection." Isn't recollection just a collection of records? I so want to become Andy Rooney right now.

Where was I? Oh yeah. I continue a hopeless task on Friday. Tune in. We won't finish the Bs, but we'll get mighty close.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Preface To Indiepop A To Z # 8: Eight Times The Charmer!

Hello. Self Help Radio returns this week with the eighth installment of our popular "Indiepop A To Z" series. We last left off with a band called Brincando De Deus, so, as you can imagine, we're going to start - if not finish entirely, although I truly doubt that - the Bs.

This will be a return to Self Help Radio after a week off. If you must know, I was forced off the air by a brief but bloody military coup in my own home. If you heard Self Help Radio last week, you might have noticed the show was programmed by what sounded like very fat & lazy beagles. That's because our dogs found a way to lock me in the bathroom, eat everything in the house & then rush to do my show. I spent the weekend cleaning up after them. But I was able to reassert control when they realized they couldn't use my credit card. They're my dogs, so there's obviously a family resemblance, but in the photo on my credit card, I am clean-shaven. Foiled!

By the way, it's very obvious to me the dogs didn't think of this themselves. But the cats kept their paws clean. Or, if their paws were dirty, they cleaned them carefully before I noticed.

Anyway, I am committed to continuing the Indiepop A To Z for the time being, so let's put all the unpleasantness of the past week behind us & forge ahead. Eventually there'll be a gigantic audio documentation of indiepop from a to z which will be like a giant Ken Burns documentary - saved in someone's collection but never listened to.