Saturday, December 03, 2011

Preface To Gary's Favorite Electronica 2011: If You Like Electronica So Much Why Don't You Do An Electronica Show?

There used to be a show called "Dickenbock Electronics" which was an electronica show hosted by the person who also does Self Help Radio. It was not listened to by any humans & an attempt to make fun of a circuit board angered the very-easily-offended robot listenership that might have been. The show was put in a box next to a Mac Quadra & told it may one day return. Occasionally, someone will wipe it down to remove the rust.

This week's Self Help Radio will contain songs from the favoritest electronic records listened to by the person who does Self Help Radio, hereafter (& herebefore) known as "Gary," or, if you must, "me." In a different world, there would be a regular electronical show done by the same person but also a show called Self Help Radio, & also, perhaps, a cooking show but that would probably be on cable access with a scorched backdrop. That would be in a different world. In this world, at least right now in this world, Gary can play electronica here & there but not on a designated electronica show. No matter how hard you pray.

Except this week, when the favoritest is highlighted although it must be made clear it's only Gary's favoritest. If you want to play your favoritest music on the radio, it is incumbent upon you to get your own radio show.

There might be more to say about this subject but the robots have come to parlay. This is disquieting because no one has said anything about an actual conflict between this radio show & the robots. In addition, the formation of a robot nation was scheduled to happen in 2016, after a robot was elected President of the Pasadena Chamber Of Commerce. Gary has accepted the terms of the parlay but has allowed asked for time to reconsider. There may still be an opportunity to slip out the back & make the dogs deal with this.

Friday, December 02, 2011

Self Help 101: Please Remember To Put The Rice On

That's all I'm saying. It's not an impossible thing & it's not something that's going to change lives. But if you have a rice cooker & you want to make good-for-you brown rice & not that boil-in-the-bag shit that takes five minutes, make sure you put the rice in time for the meal. Otherwise, the tensions between us may make us say dumb things.

Let's say, for example, that we normally eat at 7pm. That's a good time for eating & it's something we've done all the time throughout our relationship. The rice usually takes a little under an hour. Then make sure you put the rice in the cooker at 6. It's very simple. I might not be home at 6. If I'm home, I'll remember to put the rice in the cooker. If not, it's your responsibility.

What? I'm not being condescending here! Not like you are when you remind me to put rice in the cooker. If we eat rice with, let's say, half our meals, & if I cook most of our meals, then I will always remember to put the rice on. If the situation were reversed, if it were you would more than fifty percent of the time were the cook, I would totally understand your exasperation at me forgetting to put the rice on. Or maybe I wouldn't. But I wouldn't get so defensive & call me condescending when you reminded me.

Okay, maybe I would, but can you take my word that I did not mean to be condescending & just remember to put the rice on at 6? Do you realize how long we've been talking about this? Are you aware of how long we talk about tiny little quotidian activities & hardly if all about things that are really important to us? Does that worry you? Make you nervous? Frighten you?

Oh! You put the rice on! Thanks honey!

Thursday, December 01, 2011

A Joke A Day A Week: Episode Twenty-Three

I've been late in getting into the spirit of the A Joke A Day enterprise, but I've decided to stop being a snobby pants & write my own A Joke A Day "joke." & I did! It might be a little blue, but I think it could possibly slip through the inept filters they must use to edit out profanity & ethnic slurs if I don't "explain" the pun at the end like they usually do, assuming (perhaps rightly so) that the average A Joke A Day "joke" enjoyer has an IQ just a tad higher than the average floor lamp. Here, with the patented A Joke A Day Pointing Out The Obvious Parenthetical Remark (tm) at the end, is my submission for an A Joke A Day "joke":

Two men are standing next to each other at the urinals in a men's room.
Man One: I guess you come from the Old Country.
Man Two: Why would you say that?
Man One: Because European! (You're-a-peein'!)

What do you think? Ought I send it along?

Monday, November 28, 2011

Happy Magda Birthday!

I'm no fool. I know I married up. I know the day willcome when the lovely scientist who deigned to marry me realizes the error of her ways & kicks me to the curb. I plan to delay that dreadful moment as long as possible. For example, by publicly celebrating her birthday every year by talking about her on the radio & playing lots of ridiculous birthday songs for her around the time of her birthday. That buys me about three extra months - four if she's dozing when she's listening & I can add some post-hypnotic suggestions during the show. I highly recommend this process if you can do it: get a radio show & then dedicate one show a year to your spouse/sweetheart/honey/parole officer. It's amazing how much good will you bank.

Though Magda's birthday isn't until Thursday, I am only on the radio on Mondays, so today's show allowed her to celebrate her birthday starting now. The entire show is available as usual at self help radio dot net. The show is in two parts, both scary as a birthday clown, with part one on this plate & part one on this plate. The songs in the sections are below.

Happy birthday to Magda! Happy birthday to you!

(part one)

"A Child's First Birthday (Side One)" Frank Luther _A Child's First Birthday_
"Happy Birthday" Ronald McDonald _KIDS Radio Birthday Party_

"What Is This Thing Called?" Memphis _Here Comes A City_
"Birthday" Zuki _Black Noise Generator_
"Birthday Present" The Love Me Nots _Detroit_
"Birthday" Do The Robot _First Names_
"Birthday Present" The Love Me Nots _Detroit_
"Zum Geburtstag Viel Glück" The New York Stage Orchestra & Choir _Happy Birthday_

"Bad Birthday" Servotron _No Room For Humans_
"Happy Birthday" Weird Al Yankovic _"Weird" Al Yankovic_
"A Very Unhappy Birthday To You" Oscar The Grouch _Happy Birthday From Sesame Street_

(part two)

"Tippy The Wonder Dog: Gramps' Birthday" Bob & Ray _The Best Of Bob & Ray: Volume 4_
"Happy Birthday Momma" Bill Cosby _Disco Bill_

"A Child's First Birthday (Side Two)" Frank Luther _A Child's First Birthday_
"Happy Birthday Boogie" Louis Jordan _Let The Good Times Roll (1938-1954)_
"Happy Birthday" Georgio _Happy Birthday_
"Funky Birthday" Bobby McLaughlin _Funky Funky New Orleans 3_

"(It Must Be) Somebody's Birthday" Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players _Lost & Found_
"Existential Birthday" The Squares _Enjoy Yourself (& Others)_
"Jesus Came To My Birthday Party" The Middle East _I Want That You Are Always Happy_
"The Birthday Kiss" Jilted John _True Love Stories_
"Birthday Boy" The Takeover UK _Running With The Wasters_

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Whither Magda's Birthday 2011?

Once again, to save my marriage, I dress like a clown & play lots of birthday music for my wife.

Wait. Did I just say I dress like a clown on the radio? Yes. Yes I did.

You might not notice it. Me being on the radio & all. But she does. Believe it.

Listen to another crazy collection of birthday songs for the woman I love tomorrow morning from 7:30 to 9am on WRFL Lexington. That's 88.1 fm on dial, or online at wrfl dot fm. If you're otherwise engaged, you can listen later when I put the show up at self help radio dot net. If you'd like.

Happy birthday to Magda! (Her birthday isn't until Thursday, I know, but work with me here.)