Saturday, January 28, 2012

Preface To Gimme: Give It Me

According to the Wikipedia, a "gimme" in golf is "a shot that the other players agree can count automatically without actually being played." I remember once when someone requested a song for a particular theme, it seemed such an obvious choice, I said, "That's what we in the biz call a 'gimme.'" I don't know if at the time I knew the meaning of the golf term but it seems like I did. Though I didn't use it in quite the same way. Chances are my brain was repeating the phrase from a movie or a television show.

Looking for the phrase online, I am seeing it used not as "something obvious" but as "something free." So I used the word incorrectly. But the sentence felt right when I wrote it. So I think I will continue to use it in that way. & perhaps I can encourage other people to use it in that manner, which means, according to the rules of grammar, it may acquire that additional meaning in 350 years.

Start now!

By the way, I am so not "in the biz." I have never been paid to deejay nor do I imagine I ever will be. It's like a joke a friend of mine made to another Gary when that Gary (I swear it wasn't me!) said he would make a great gigolo. My friend, "Don't ever try to be a prostitute, Gary - you'll lose money on the deal."

That's how I feel about me being a professional deejay - I'd end up paying someone to do it. It would not be a 'gimme.' Not for me, anyway.

Damn it I used it correctly!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Happy Birthday Patton Oswalt!

This Self Help Radio favorite is just a year younger than the Self Help Radio host. Egads!

I bet he won't celebrate his 43rd birthday in any special manner...

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Learn Those Minced Oaths!

You do not want to offend nor profane nor blaspheme. Oaths may find their way up up up to the Lord's ears. Learn instead to mince your oaths for the sanctity of your soul.

Say "begorrah" instead of "by God!" & "bejabbers" instead of "by Jesus." Other replacements for "by God!" are "by George," "by gum," "by gosh" (boring), "by golly," & "by Jove!"

If you must damn someone in the place of our Lord's more acceptable damnation, you can avoid saying "God damn" or "God damn it" by saying "Dad gum!" or "Dagnabbit!" "Doggone!" is also an acceptable "Goddamn!" Someone you just damned could be "gosh darned." Say "dang" or "darn" to fool the omniscient Creator of the Universe, & feel free to refer to the state of damnation as "tarnation."

If you must refer to the Son of God, you can call him by his first name secretly as "gee whiz" & "gee willikers" & "jeebus." As his last name (or is it his title?) you can say "Crikey!" & "Criminy!" & "Cripes!" Must you say his full name? It's your eternal soul! Try "Cheese & Rice" or "Jeepers Creepers" or "Jeezy Creezy!" Heck, some even say "Judas Priest" is code for the Son Of Man. How's that for breaking the law?

You might want to simply add, for emphasis, the phrase "for Christ's sake," but that would be breaking a commandment. So how about "Chrissakes" or (even safer) "for crying out loud!" There is of course the chance He (junior) wouldn't be too happy about that, so you might want to reference his subordinates. In case they have punishing powers up above, say "for Pete's sake" or "for the love of Mike" to refer to Saint Peter & Saint Michael, respectively.

There are more archaic but just as surreptitious oaths you can say, which may baffle the Old Dude Upstairs since no one really uses the phrases they are hiding. Say "cor blimey" to mean "God blind me" & He probably won't know what you're talking about. Say "Drat" to mean "God rot it." Say "crivvens" not just because no one you've ever known has, but because it means "Christ defend us!"

You can refer to odd things that the Good Lord owns, like his hooks ("gadzooks" equals "god's hooks") or his wounds ("zounds" means "god's wounds," or "by His wounds"). "Strewth," which you're likely to hear mainly on British comedies, is "His truth" truncated, but the French sacré bleu is apparently a minced oath from France meaning "sang de Dieu," the blood of God.

Or you can profane & blaspheme like Sylvester the Cat. Did you know "suffering succotash" meant "suffering savior"? Now you do!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Self Help Radio Is Everything

"Everything is..." said Self Help Radio. Everything is what? Why do ellipses bother me so? Mightn't I have simply put a blank space (as in "fill in the blank") rather than those three dots that mean a thought is trailing off? What is everything! Tell me now!

The show tried to finish that sentence but you will have to decide if it truly did. To make that decision, you'll have to listen. To listen, you'll have to find where I've put the files. To find where I've put the files - oh, you know. They're at the Self Help Radio website. If you're impatient & would like to download the shows directly, that can be accommodated. Part one of the show is on this side of everything while part two of the show is on that side of everything. Everything that's in each part is listed below.

(part one)

"Everything Is" Neutral Milk Hotel _Everything Is_
"Everything Is Black" The Faintests Ideas _What Goes Up Must Calm Down_
"Everything's Alright" David Bowie _Pin Ups_

"Everything's Explodin'" The Flaming Lips _Oh My Gawd!!!... The Flaming Lips_
"Everything's Coming Up Roses" The Modernaires _Like Swung_
"Everything's Wrong" A House _Rarities_
"Everything's Alright (w/ Danielle Ferguson)" Kimya Dawson _My Cute Fiend Sweet Princess_
"Everything Is Broken" Bob Dylan _Oh Mercy_
"Everything Is Relative" Beatnik Filmstars _In Hospitalable_

"Everything Is Cool" The Pork Chops _Rhythm & Blues Vol. 3_
"Everything's On Fire" Shriekback _Naked Apes & Pond Life_

(part two)

"Everything's Gone Green" New Order _Movement_
"Everything Is Fresh Today" Jack Hodges The Raspberry King _Songs The Bonzo Dog Band Taught Us_

"Everything's Fine" Adorable _Sistine Chapel Ceiling_
"Everything Is Not OK" Miles Hunt _Hairy On The Inside_
"Everything Is Good About You" The Supremes _The Complete Motown Singles, Vol. 5: 1965_
"Everything Is Weird" They Go Boom!! _Beyond Tomorrow_

"Everything's Disappeared" Steinski _What Does It All Mean?_
"Everything's Just Fine" Earwig _La-Di-Da... So Far..._
"Everything's Alright When You're Down" The Jesus & Mary Chain _Barbed Wire Kisses_
"Everything Is Average Nowadays" Kaiser Chiefs _Yours Truly Angry Mob_

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Whither Everything Is...?

Some things don't fill in the blank. Please don't bring up the logical fallacy of appeal to consequences of a belief. Some things do fill in the blank. These are the things that deserve a proper attention span.

When one's brain processes time (apparently) differently, it's not unusual to look up & see that three minutes have passed. Older people often express the same kind of thought when looking over their overlooked life. When it has so much to teach, why is boredom all but forgotten by the mass of humanity?

Everything is. Nothing isn't. These generalities can be embarrassing. The brain has a prescribed memory capacity, it can make things easier for itself when it gathers what it needs to know underneath a generic plural noun or pronoun.

There was once a man who couldn't help but speak in couplets. Sometimes he added internal rhyme. Assonance was not unknown, though he did eschew alliteration. It made passers-by imagine things were going horribly wrong somewhere.

Was there something else? At the sound of the bell, there will be another Self Help Radio, for better or for ill. On the air in Lexington Kentucky from 7:30 to 9:00 am on Monday morning at 88.1 fm on the dial. Will there be a live audio stream? If not, there is always the show archived later at that website.

Everything is all right. Unless everything is not.